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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > He has been married 4 times.........a danger sign or what...      Home login  
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 jamesdean55
Joined: 6/21/2006
Msg: 51
He has been married 4 times.........a danger sign or what...Page 3 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
we're negative..? how about this guys track record is that somehow a positive..? I mean the people here are pretty much on the mark [think of them a a jury of your peers] people here don't want to see unhappy [least I don't think they do] frankly if you didn't want the advice why did you ask for it..? take it from a guy who married a woman who was divorced 3x before I met her and got married I had high hopes to but it crashed and burned in 3 yrs. dump and run or you too will find yourself in my shoes in just a couple of years.
 a bit nomadic
Joined: 6/14/2006
Msg: 52
He has been married 4 times.........a danger sign or what...
Posted: 6/22/2006 9:27:01 PM
I've known a couple of serial marriers (male and female) and neither were bad people--just really insecure. Like they got to a place where they couldn't bear not being married, and so married instead of dating--it is the ultimate way to "secure" a relationship for a person who fears or expects to be left. I don't think this guy should be judged too harshly, but on the other hand my advice would be to take your relationship with him very slowly. Don't find yourself talking with him about marriage until you have really developed something warranting it, and you feel wholly comfortable about the idea (as one should do in any relationship).

Red flags are red flags--is there anyone who doesn't have a flag or two waving over their head? For me, if I was really connecting with the guy, the flag would start waving bigtime if he prematurely started pressuring me to go running down the aisle. But if you're really into him and he's prepared to move at your pace, why not?

And btw, I would not think about "discussing" him with his ex-wives and/or kids.
 jim bag
Joined: 5/23/2006
Msg: 53
He has been married 4 times.........a danger sign or what...
Posted: 6/22/2006 9:47:37 PM
make sure this guy makes a lot of coin? 4 times yipes
run forest run unless hes a CEO of a fortune 500 company
 _Icon_
Joined: 5/18/2008
Msg: 54
He has been married 4 times.........a danger sign or what...
Posted: 10/16/2010 10:26:28 PM
One failed marriage was enough for me. I might try it again someday, but I can't even imagine it now.

I'll say this. If I can't get it right the second time, there will be no third.
 aliveandwell314
Joined: 10/7/2010
Msg: 55
He has been married 4 times.........a danger sign or what...
Posted: 10/16/2010 10:33:01 PM
Lets just say there wont be alot of allimony left for when its your turn
 luckyhot777s
Joined: 12/26/2008
Msg: 56
He has been married 4 times.........a danger sign or what...
Posted: 10/16/2010 11:58:48 PM
One thing you said was he is "old fashioned".....old fashion people don't always go for living together or having sex relations without commitment, and etc.

So to achieve these things and have pease of mind, some get married. Thats really the wrong premis of marriage and why some might fail. From what I have gathered many now days have been married three times on average.

What I consider a red flag is when someone is out to get married, and if someone somes along who seems to hit on all the levels, they conjure up what they think is love, because marriage is their objective. To my way of thinking, you are following the path of life and come across someone who you have real love with and there is enough compatibility and understanding between you both, it stands a chance of working out.

Conjured up love doesn't last.....could be your both a red flag.
 Fierysunlvr
Joined: 1/14/2010
Msg: 57
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History
He has been married 4 times.........a danger sign or what...
Posted: 10/17/2010 6:13:22 AM
I've had this exact same experience. I once knew a man in his early 50's who'd been married 4 times. I was in my thirties at the time, but I like older men so we dated.

I did think that I'd rather have a man who's been married 4 times, than someone in mid life who's never been married at all. This guy was a great guy. No one is perfect, including me, and his one issue may have been that he was too needy but was old fashioned at the same time and thus married the women he fell in love with. He was an excellent husband and provider for all of his wives.

The reason he and I didn't work out was because he was really needy and I had a demanding job and lots of extrcurricular activites and he wanted someone to give him all her time and attention. He ended up finding what he wanted. He signed up for Match.com and found his high school sweet heart who was getting divorced. They ended up getting married and she became wife #5. He stated that "she was the first and now she'll be the last."

Anyway, I'd still take a guy who's been married 4 times than a guy who's never been married at all.
 HappyLibra70
Joined: 5/17/2009
Msg: 58
He has been married 4 times.........a danger sign or what...
Posted: 10/17/2010 1:39:50 PM
Nah OP,

How can it be a red flag? Me thinks he was training, you know making sure that by his fifth time he would already know what he didn't in his fourth marriage. Oh it looks so promising! Also can you imagine, you can actually hold that position of being the fifth wife! Do you get anything? Like a prize or something to conmemorate that?

All in jest OP, I really don't know anything about relationships, I refuse to get involved romantically or otherwise with anyone. I wouldn't know how to deal with all the associated complications. So I just read forums, in the hopes of learning something. I am a coward OP. You on the other hand are one brave woman for getting out there in the fishing pond!
 jezebellpgh
Joined: 2/3/2010
Msg: 59
He has been married 4 times.........a danger sign or what...
Posted: 10/20/2010 8:11:43 AM
Snow:

When someone makes 4 lifetime commitments and breaks them all by divorce, there should be HUGE red flags up, its not being negative and single, its called common sense and thinking a little about this person's staying power.
 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 60
He has been married 4 times.........a danger sign or what...
Posted: 10/20/2010 9:09:01 AM
^^
....this person's staying power.

It COULD mean they do have 'staying power' but they picked mates who didn't.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 61
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History
He has been married 4 times.........a danger sign or what...
Posted: 10/20/2010 10:10:58 AM
Well, I would not consider marriage with this person but I bet they are a hell of a lot more entertaining on a casual level than a lot of people.
 TDH49
Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 62
He has been married 4 times.........a danger sign or what...
Posted: 10/20/2010 10:29:16 AM

Well, I would never consider marriage with this person but I bet they are a hell of a lot more entertaining on a casual level


Ahh so you would not mind having a little fun with this guy while you're waiting on Mr right to come along? How interesting.
 _Icon_
Joined: 5/18/2008
Msg: 63
He has been married 4 times.........a danger sign or what...
Posted: 10/20/2010 10:31:24 AM
^^^That is called projection.
 DemonLeather
Joined: 8/10/2007
Msg: 64
He has been married 4 times.........a danger sign or what...
Posted: 10/20/2010 10:39:22 AM
Comon' people .. get over the numbers crap! My Dad was married 4 times, My biological Mom 5 times. I said NOT ME! I'm marrying ONE time,..well,.. guess what? It didn't quite work that way,. been married 2.6 times (yeah, the .6 is a long story some other time) Now, I'm just looking for someone to spend "happy-time" with,.. not interested in marrage, BUT,.. I'm not going to say that NOT ME crap again because it always comes back to bite you in the behind. If you like someone,. you like them,.If they made mistakes in the past,.. it's the past,.. If you going to run, every time some one is married multiple times, 10 or 15 years older, had some kind of prison record, a bisexual experience, or whatever gets your feet going,.. YOU, are going to be ALONE,.. it's that simple. Everyone has something, a skeleton, whatever, If you need some excuse to hit the road, your not very much of a great catch yourself, if you stop to actually THINK about it! and all the lame-O's that pass judgment,.. are just as alone as you are,(or they wouldn't be here for "just the forums" now, would they?) Think about the people you're asking advice from... real authourities huh? (including myself, I'm just as fulla crap as the next advice-giver ) Just do what most won't advise you to do.. Think about how YOU feel,. go from there..
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 65
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He has been married 4 times.........a danger sign or what...
Posted: 10/20/2010 10:41:50 AM
A red flag always comes up for me if someone has been married multiple times and considering yet another marriage.........

My mother has been married six times, and my father was married four, so I think I know about this situation. I swore that I would not be like them and how they handled relationships, and stayed in my marriage for far to long and to make sure that my son had a father there.

Once I knew that it was going to destroy me both physically and mentally, I moved on and bit that bullet of divorce, but told myself never again unless I wanted to have more children, which I am happy to say, I do not. My life style and beliefs have led me down the path of enjoying a significant other that may be in my life, but to state it up front that caring, loving, consideration, and enjoyment, does not have to be wrapped up in the cloak of marriage, and if it does for you......I will miss you!!

cd.......
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 66
He has been married 4 times.........a danger sign or what...
Posted: 10/20/2010 10:50:25 AM
Seems to me this is just another preference just like any other preference.
People are judged EVERYDAY...on weight, height, age, looks, sexual experience,
etc etc etc.
Asking yourself (or your potential significant other) how could someone be
married and divorced 4 or 5 times doesn't sound unreasonable to me.
Has nothing to do with being an "authority" on anything.
Has everything to do with people's own tolerance level for whatever they are
passing a "judgement" on.
I don't consider marriage numbers a "danger sign", but it's something I would
look at and be real careful about. I mean either they are a really bad judge
of character, or the people they are marrying are really odd characters...either way
what does that make me?

I know people will say they married someone and didn't know they would beat
them or take drugs or be an alcoholic or whatever, and I get that. But making a
mistake 4 or 5 times? I dunno. I think after 3 I'd slow it down. But that's just me
of course....I'm basically full of crap as well.

I will say from personal experience though...there are a lot of people out there
that bring out the absolute worst in others..maybe they can't help it...I don't know.
But it's a pretty sorry trait to have I think, and I also think it has a lot to do with how
some people behave in relationships.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 67
He has been married 4 times.........a danger sign or what...
Posted: 10/20/2010 10:57:46 AM
~OT~ It's just another preference. Some people are serial monogamists. Not comfortable with living together, so they marry. When that falls apart, they have to divorce. Is that any less alarming than someone who's lived with 4 people in their adult lives? Then you get the in-Vegas-with-a-23-year-old-hot-guy-Tequila-and-a-wedding-chapel-on-every-corner situations. There are all sorts of variables. I think I'd ask questions first, make a decision later. But that's just me.
 TDH49
Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 68
He has been married 4 times.........a danger sign or what...
Posted: 10/20/2010 11:06:03 AM
It's just another preference


I have been married 3 times in my life as far as I can tell. Once officially with the church with all the bells and flowers. 2 other times I lived long term with my SO, which I view as being married only without all the society BS attached. Funny how some things work out, some women are always complaining about guys not being able to make a committment . Here we have a woman complaining about a guy who seem to be too committed.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 69
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History
He has been married 4 times.........a danger sign or what...
Posted: 10/20/2010 11:12:12 AM
Maybe he would be Mr Right but marriage ain't his thing!
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 70
He has been married 4 times.........a danger sign or what...
Posted: 10/20/2010 11:25:47 AM
I'm sorry...I thought we were talking about someone that had
been MARRIED 4 or 5 times and then got divorced. Didn't realize
we were talking about people who lived together . But if we are...
yeah...I'd still think it odd if someone had 4 or 5 live ins under their
belt and had reached my age. I don't really see the difference.
uuummm...what is the difference?

Anyways, I'm not interested in moving my stuff in and out of someplace,
nor am I interested in helping a few someone's move their stuff. So yeah,
I'd think carefully about someone who had 4 or 5 live ins under their belt
at my age just as much as I would think about someone being married that
many times.

The good news is this time around...I don't really need a 30 year relationship...
I'd be happy with 15 or 20.

ahahahahahahaha!


{quote]Maybe he would be Mr Right but marriage ain't his thing!

I think this is true as well. Not everyone needs or wants to be married...some
people are better off just in a relationship with someone else that doesn't
want or need to be married.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 71
He has been married 4 times.........a danger sign or what...
Posted: 10/20/2010 11:35:09 AM
Those who don't believe the dead come back to life should be around when some of these threads pull a Lazarus and rise up after 4 years of dormancy LOL.
Yeah yeah I know not supposed to create new topics about something that already has one in existence.
With that all said, and responding to the question in the topic;for me it does-and has, in the past!-raised red flags. I suppose it might be worthwhile to try and find out more about the circumstances-there is such a thing as a good person with a bad picker.
But, I had to laugh at the "either/or" basis-that someone who's been married and divorced 4 times is better than one that has never committed-good grief! People!? There is a vast territory between multiple failed marriages and a lack of intestinal fortitude to committ even once.
However, to speak directly and honestly, from the bottom of my heart-yes, for me 4 failed marriages would be a veritable red-flag parade. This does not mean that ALL persons with a past history of multiple failed marriages are bad or unworthy persons-I guess one DOES have to award them full marks for perseverance in principles. And I might not completely reject a serial divorcee,out of hand,but I would be very cautious about doing any more than dating, or a non-cohabiting,independent LTR. Since that might not sit well with the object of my (dubious )affection, it would probably be a moot point.
Cindy O
 Twilightslove
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 72
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History
He has been married 4 times.........a danger sign or what...
Posted: 10/20/2010 12:05:39 PM
I have seen this go both ways. One man who has been married four times that I know seems to pick or be picked by women with extreme problems such as (alcohol and prescription drug problems, cheating, etc.). He is a very nice guy who seems to get sucked into any woman with emotional problems since he is so nice.

Another man who seems to have been married over 7 times that I met appears to be a very manipulative and controlling man with his own addiction issues. You might equate him with that of a sociopath as you see a very charismatic person in the beginning who then turns out not to be so after all is said and done.

No matter how many times a person has been married or not married, has or doesn't have children, etc. you need to get to know them well before deciding whether or not they are the one.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 73
He has been married 4 times.........a danger sign or what...
Posted: 10/20/2010 5:21:53 PM
Hell, isn't this what a lot of women WANT. That is, a man that isn't "afraid" to marry????? You know,,,cause one of the MAIN reasons FOR marriage I hear from a lot is that marriage = COMMITMENT. OMFG!!!!!!

This is a perfect example,,,,is it not?????
 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 74
He has been married 4 times.........a danger sign or what...
Posted: 10/21/2010 7:22:04 AM
Maybe he marries who he sleeps with?

I think every situation is unique.

Sometimes we do dumb things when young or for the wrong reasons.
We grow up.


I don't want to be judgemental

Then get to know him..as he is now.

If he was divorced because he beat his wives , cheated or other unsavory reasons then you need to know.

How about those that didn't put it on paper and lived with 4-20 women?

Old fashioned usually means wed lock doesn't it?

At least you know he will marry if that's your plan.


The good news is this time around...I don't really need a 30 year relationship...
I'd be happy with 15 or 20.


Hell I'll take 10-25 Of good stuff.^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Good luck............
 TerrieLynnC
Joined: 7/4/2007
Msg: 75
He has been married 4 times.........a danger sign or what...
Posted: 10/21/2010 9:51:36 AM
OP I'm going against the majority here and saying you shouldn't run.
Take things slowly, as your doing. You said he hasn't said anything
about marrying you as of yet and I wouldn't rush into that.
Since you said you all have the chemistry and things are going great,
why not give it time and see where it goes? I just don't get why people
want to rush into a relationship and not take the time to see if your
really compatible.

As someone said there is a difference in being married 4 times and being DIVORCED 4 times and in your case he hasn't been divorced 4 times.
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