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 Northern Lights
Joined: 9/17/2004
Msg: 24
Polyamorous (Warning This Is A Long Read)Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)

Somehow, someway, somebody becomes jealous. And the whole thing becomes an ugly mess.

IMO, you'd have to have pretty basic emotions to be able to have this kind of lifestyle, otherwise it will become a mess.

You can have casual sex with someone with the agreement thats all it is. I dont know about y'all, but when I start having sex with someone on a regular basis, I cant help but to start developing feelings for them, no matter how hard I try to avoid them. Once those feelings begin, then its game over. I dont share well, especially my men.

To me, it all seems so superficial. Sure they talk about loving and communications, but in all honesty, when I love someone, it comes with the expectation of monogamy, and I'd hope it would be the same for him. I cannot love two men at once, not in the same way.

You can have this lifestyle and be ok with it, but what if someone you bring into it is like me, that starts developing feelings and doesnt want to share anymore... what then?

To each his own, I'm sure some people can be perfectly happy with this type of lifestyle, but its not for me. I couldnt even swing I dont think. My partner and I have talked about it, talked about bringing a third person in, its his fantasy, and yeah, I think it'd like to try it one day, but I honestly dont think I could watch him be with another woman, nor could he watch me be with another man... It would most likely not have a good outcome, and we've both agreed on that.

Then, like someone else mentioned, there is always the risk of an STD. I've never had one in my life, and would like to keep it that way. If you bring someone else into it, you have no idea of who they've been with....

I dont think badly of people who engage in this lifestyle, but its not for me.
Joined: 3/12/2006
Msg: 25
Polyamorous (Warning This Is A Long Read)
Posted: 5/21/2006 12:53:53 PM
its not for me...or for everyone...but to some its what works for them

I am the last one to tell anyone what thier relationships should be. I have spent a considerable time with swingers and while that is purely physical i do understand the appeal. One of my girlsfriends is in a poly relationship and she realy feels the three adults int he relationship are all one is being exploited or involves the same risks as other conventional it works for her based on her moral compasss and rules. Like i said, though, its just not for me. I prefer to have my guy to myself...there are some parts of a relationship that i like to have just between he and i...away from friends...away from family...and away from other women.
 Northern Lights
Joined: 9/17/2004
Msg: 28
Polyamorous (Warning This Is A Long Read)
Posted: 5/21/2006 3:41:22 PM
I love my lover different then I love my family. I love my child different then I love my lover, I love my dog, again, differently. Of course you can love more then one person, but in different ways. For myself, there is no way I could love two men the same way, I've tried it, didnt work, one always lost out, no matter how hard I tried to make it equal..

Loving people is common, yes, but not in the way you're trying to make it.
Joined: 3/31/2006
Msg: 31
view profile
Polyamorous (Warning This Is A Long Read)
Posted: 5/22/2006 11:42:50 PM
I've been there. In 90, the husband approached me at a party and told me "I don't think you've been catching the signals my wife has been trying to send you." I'd known her for ten years and him for six by that point.

A month later I was telling her about someone who'd made a pass at me "and you turned her down? For me? Oh, that's sweet. Now you go chase her down and get her to make the offer again."

I chilled the relationship with the first one after a year or so when I couldn't keep it in perspective. The second one was more complicated, but it, too, ended. I remained friends with both of them for a long time afterwards, and I'm currently posting from the second one's guest room 16 years later.

I know someone who's been in a successful closed-poly relationship with two women for about a year. It seems to work for both of them.

What Jolie quotes seems to be more a description of an "open" relationship than of a "poly" relationship.
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 46
view profile
Polyamorous (Warning This Is A Long Read)
Posted: 2/12/2007 10:45:42 AM
The only comment I want to make is in response to Northern Lights way up above.

it went something like this "I love my lover, my kid, my dog, but all differently. I can only love one person one way." or something.

What if you have two kids? or two dogs? how is having two lovers any different?

I will always be antiestablishmentarian. The IDEA of monogamy is one of ownership, control, and submisison to the ruling factions/tribal leaders/men. It has nothing to do with spiritual rights, or whatever... but you can believe what your mommy told you instead... forget about enlightened culture.

Monogamy is nice, makes people feel nice and special. Polyamorists that have good relationships make each of their lovers feel nice and special. Each person is different, so each mate is different and special in his or her own way. If you serial monogamists think that making someone feel special is the doting and nicknames and little things like that; do you think that those are in limited supply? Do you use the same actions for each of your serial partners? Doesn't sound very special to me, but I know many many people who have found themselves in that situation. Romance/empathy/interest is the same challenge only multiplied... done in exchange for the multiplied rewards, and because some people cannot be happy when tied down by artificial legal unions that have no direct correlation to the growing heart or pelvis.
Joined: 3/31/2006
Msg: 51
view profile
Polyamorous (Warning This Is A Long Read)
Posted: 7/22/2007 2:02:23 PM
"the emphasis is not on casual sex"

This is what he SAYS. But is it really not casual? Is what he describes really any different from FWB? After all, your relationship with your friends is more meaningful than his relationship with the hat-check girl.

I've been FWB a few times. My first, at 28, was an FWB. While we were occasionally "active", I was encouraging her to find someone more suitable than myself. We remained friends for another five years.

My third and fourth partners (both starting in 1990) were complex cases. Both of them were married women, acting WITH PERMISSION. It was FWB from my side, probably polyamorous from theirs. One of those had been a friend for a nine years by that point and remained a friend till an argument a dozen years later. The other is still a friend that I talked to within the past week.

I was not polyamorous (nor otherwise unfaithful) during my marriage, even when my wife was away for four months and an attractive friend was offering "benefits". It wasn't valid under the rules we were using.

FWB is allowed in my current rule book. Polyamory as Jean-Baptiste DESCRIBED it is not. Once I find the right woman, it's just her for me. And I would have problems if she wanted to enlarge the circle on her side. Of course, JB's description didn't match his actions, as the hat check girl incident showed. It sounds likely that the poor man was mistaking FWB for love, and thinking that was all that there was available.

My "rule book" only applies to me. It applies to others ONLY when examining the similar rule book used by a candidate partner to decide whether we are likely to be compatible. It does not apply to "outside" people like the reporter or JB. I feel neutral towards the reporter for trying it, and my only contempt for JB is the hypocrisy of talking about "meaningful, long-lasting romantic relationships" and then hitting on the hat-check girl. He talks depth but doesn't practice it.
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 54
view profile
Polyamorous (Warning This Is A Long Read)
Posted: 7/23/2007 11:22:59 AM
I can see where they come from, its better than running around cheating on your partner, but its so not for me, after reading that i feel greasy.
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