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Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms      Home login  
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 Xainos9
Joined: 12/15/2004
Msg: 78
How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle momsPage 4 of 27    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27)
Tangopru, it seems you stated the facts. Well done.

Like I said in the past I have nothing against single moms. I wish them the best.

But one thing I don't like doing, is paying for other people mistakes.
And yes, I have done that in the past and I'm sick and tired of it.
 mommyoftwo20
Joined: 6/25/2005
Msg: 79
How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms
Posted: 6/26/2005 7:33:17 AM
Hi Tango,
For one thing, I realize there is another mommyof2 on here, but I use this name for everything as it is my Y messenger name.

When I said "sales pitch", it was figuratively, because the thread is "what men are missing out if they don't choose SMs". So, it indicates that there is something that they have and childless women don't. It means that, just like a vendor who gives a pitch to convince a potential customer, a person has to convince a potential mate that such potential mate would be better with the person than without him/her (at least, that's the spirit of my words, and since there were no bad comments about it, looks like everybody else understood that). /quote/

Ok, I didn't realize that you were figurativle speaking so my bad on the terms.

And how will you convince a prospective partner that his life will be better if he chooses you, if you say such remarks?/quote/

for one thing, I'm not going to convince a prospective partner that his life will be better if he chooses me. I put my info on here so that a potential partner can see how I am and what I like to do and so on. He doesnt have to choose me. We choose each other. And any guy that wants to get with me, wether he knows it or not, its one of the best things hes doing wether I have kids or not. I am the type of girl that is a very good girlfriend or whatever. I am the type that will be there with him through thinck and thin through good times and bad. I have been through alot with my kids' father and put up with alot of abuse. I went through phyiscal,mental,emotional, and even sexual abuse with him. But you know what, like the good girlfriend I was I still stuck up for him no matter what. He went to court numerous times and was going to go to prison. But he didnt due to the fact that that I am very persuasive and very good at getting done what I want done. But I went through shame,embarrassment,humliation, and abuse in the process. And even though he put me through all that everyday, I still stuck up for him and look what I got out of it, nothing. The point is: I will treat a man like a king and love him no matter what. If a man cant see that when they talk to me in person, then I dont need them.

Such remarks also indicate frustration, anger, and others. And guess who will probably be at the receiving end? Yes, the prospective mate. So, from the viewpoint of the guy those remarks don't sound too loving.

I didnt mean for that to come out as anger and frustration. I just dont men to think that single mothers dont have enough love to give because they give theirs to their kids. We single mothers have plenty of love to give to our kids and our partners.

Here we go again. "Date me or you aren't a man". Great way to attract a man, trying to shame him into liking you.

This was an accident, I didnt mean to say that. I dont know why I did for real. I am not trying to shame any man into liking me. I dont try to force them either. If they like me then they like me, if they dont, then they dont.

If we turn the tables, what if you don't come first in a guy's life? Would you be equally eager to be with him, knowing that you come second/third/fourth in his life? What you want is a guy who makes you his first priority, and is eager to be your second/third/fourth priority. And if he's not eager to be that, you call him "a boy, not a man"./quote/

To tell you the truth, I wouldn't want to come second or so on. BUt I would if it was to a child. Because then I wouldnt think of it as who is coming first in our lives, because automatically the children would. If the guy was single and I came second, then yes I would be mad if I was coming second to lets say his raceing game or something like that. depending on how far our relationship is. If were just dating, then no I'm going to be mad, I dont have any right to. But if were really together and seeing each other steady very often or if were living together then yes I would be mad, if we are in the type that is we see only each other. If were seeing other people that is a totally different thing. I'm not trying to call any man not a man, that statement earlier was wrong and accidental.

Ok, then what am I? Mom's friend? If I'm gonna have a family, I will be the father, with full rights and duties, and won't accept any less than that.

It's nice that you wouldn't accept any less than that. But lets say we turn the tables again.
And its you with the kids, and you say you dont want us to be their mother. Then what are we also? Dad's friend? Honestly, I, myself would want to be like their mother. I would love to have that privlige. I was looking for a single dad when I first started to date, before I had kids. Depending on how far the relationship is again, it would depend on what I would tell my kids as to who you are. Myself, my kids arent old enough to have to worry about that right now. I am hoping that by the time they are old enough to understand, I will have settled down into a nice little routine and can tell them who you are. Kids understand alot more than people take them for, when their old enough to understand. When the time comes for me to have to explain who the man is that mommy keeps seeing, I will worry about that bridge when it gets there. I take one day at a time cause none of us know how much longer we even have to live. I may not live long enough to tell my kids anything. You never know if you will have one more day or even one more hour. I learned that from losing my mom when I was pregnant.

You ask a lot. You should be also eager to give a lot. /quote/

Trust me, I am eager to give everything I have to the right man. I dont mean money. I gave my kids' father everything I had, I even gave up everything I had to be with him. I know we can ask alot, but I am willing to give alot, I am willing to give everything. I sacrificed the only family I had left when I had kids and stayed with their father. I had to give up my twin sister who is the closest person to me in my life, she was my leaning pole. She is what kept me going after my mother died. She is my life and is just as important to me as my kids. But I had to give her up to be with the man I loved. I had to give up not just her, but my dad and brothers also. He made it to where we lived in a town in a different state as to where they lived. He got me to where I was broke and in a different state where I had no one and nothing. So, I had to depend on him, he wouldnt let me work, he wouldnt let me go to college, nothing. I was to stay at home, take care of the kids and the house, and take anything he gave me wether it was physical abuse from him drinking, or emotional or mental abuse when he was high, or sexual abuse when I was sleeping. I went through this for five years straight. I just know got out because my family started to realize that I was going to kill him if they didnt try and get me out. They never new what was going on though or I'm sure they would have gotten me out alot sooner than that. Anyways, the whole point of this is, I do have alot of love to give, more than anyone could imagine. Though I do not intend to get myself into another situation like that one again. We single mothers have alot to give in return, and you should like us for us, we cant help it if we couldnt stay with their father. I understand completly that a single man wouldnt want to get into this type of relationship, I'm not saying they have to, all I'm saying is, everyone has their own choices, if a man thinks he wants to be in a relationship where the mother has kids, then good,if he dont then good for him to. Women go through the same thing when the man has kids and she dont. People.men and women, put themselves in the position to be with a single mother or father. Its their choice to do so. I just dont want people or single men more like it, to think that dating a single mom is going to be hell cause its not going to be that way. If/when a man comes into my life, then he will be treated just as good as my kids. I will always have time for him, and I will always give him plenty of love, and still go to college like I am doing now and take care of my kids. I can do it all. Since I am going to an online college and working from home, I have plenty of time for a man and my kids and definatly have plenty of love to go around. I wasnt trying to bash anyone or say that something was wrong or that someone was wrong, I was just trying to say that we do have enough love and enough time for a man, even if we have kids. People shouldnt really worry about who comes first or second in their life right now, especially if their just dating and seeing other people. Anyways, sorry I know had I had some misspelled words in here and probably offended someone, not trying to, its hard for me to get what I am trying to say and my point across on paper or computer. Its much easier to do something like this in person. So, sorry if what I said came out wrong or if I offended anyone. I wasnt trying to.
 Goddard
Joined: 2/17/2005
Msg: 80
How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms
Posted: 6/26/2005 7:59:00 AM
Hi. First of all, I just said about the names as an anecdote datum, nothing else.


for one thing, I'm not going to convince a prospective partner that his life will be better if he chooses me. I put my info on here so that a potential partner can see how I am and what I like to do and so on. He doesnt have to choose me. We choose each other. (...) If a man cant see that when they talk to me in person, then I dont need them.

Yes, you choose each other. He chooses you, you choose him. And yes, you must be convinced that you will be better with him (not only money-wise, but love-wise and others), otherwise why did you chose him in the first place? The same goes for him. About ... "can't see that", well, let me tell you: most men are not gypsy fortune-tellers. We listen what you say, and then we decide.


I didnt mean for that to come out as anger and frustration.

Ok, but meaning it or not, the fact is that such things come out as anger and frustration. And they tend to turn off possible suitors.


And its you with the kids, and you say you dont want us to be their mother. Then what are we also? Dad's friend?

Although hypotetically, if I were a single father and a woman comes to my life, she would become my wife and the mother of my children. But well, that's only me (And I'd need to find a woman eager to become so).


If/when a man comes into my life, then he will be treated just as good as my kids. I will always have time for him, and I will always give him plenty of love, and still go to college like I am doing now and take care of my kids. I can do it all. Since I am going to an online college and working from home, I have plenty of time for a man and my kids and definatly have plenty of love to go around.

If you backtrack to one of my previous posts you'll see I wrote: " men would be more receptive if they wrote something more along the lines of: 'I'd like to find a good man who will accept me and my child and I'm eager to make time for us.' " Well, that's what you are writing, so I really hope you find a good man.

Trust me, I am eager to give everything I have to the right man.

And the right man will be eager to give you everything he has, you'll see.

Just don't blame a guy if he's not the right man for you. That's not a sin, and he'll be the right man for someone else.

So, sorry if what I said came out wrong or if I offended anyone. I wasnt trying to.

Hey, no need to apologyze. Nobody is offended, and you'll see conversations tend to become quite intense around here.
 Xainos9
Joined: 12/15/2004
Msg: 81
How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms
Posted: 6/26/2005 8:29:39 AM
Lonesomenight, now you turn the tables around.

Good call.

I bet women would ingnore your question though
 mommyoftwo20
Joined: 6/25/2005
Msg: 82
How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms
Posted: 6/26/2005 8:52:55 AM
Hi Tango,
You do always have some good points, problem is I like to speak before i think and it tends to get me into trouble. I know men are not fortune tellers, thats why I said in person. I didnt mean on the net.

Just don't blame a guy if he's not the right man for you. That's not a sin, and he'll be the right man for someone else /quote/

I wont blame a guy if hes not the one for me. I know that anyone thats not right for me can still be right for someone else. Everyone has a match in this world somewhere and all of us will find that match someday. I just hope its sooner rather than later.

Ok, but meaning it or not, the fact is that such things come out as anger and frustration. And they tend to turn off possible suitors./quote/

well, I suppose I should watch what I say and how I say it from now on as like you said, even though I didnt mean to, it can still be that way. Thanks for telling me.

Anyways, I tend to apologize alot, I think it has something to do with how I was treated as a kid, I think its one of the worst habits I have. I do it all the time even for the little things. I am trying to break that habit right now. But, its been nice talking to you, and I will end this message nicer than I seem to have the others.
 mommyoftwo20
Joined: 6/25/2005
Msg: 83
How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms
Posted: 6/26/2005 9:01:10 AM
Lonesomeknight,
I dont know what women are missing out by not being with a single dad that has kids. I think only a single dad can tell us that one, as I only know what it is like to be a single mom, and can only speak for how it is being a mom. I think single fathers and single mothers have things very different even if they are in the same situation by being single parents. I dont know if that all came out right the way I meant it or not, but oh well.
 Robbie28
Joined: 6/3/2005
Msg: 85
How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms
Posted: 6/26/2005 3:36:04 PM
with the children issue...i look at how she might take care if her own...which could give insight into how she would take care of "ours".

i could certainly be with a single mom. even if the kids had a great dad who was an active part in their lives. but if she told me that she would still like me to be a part of that...well...that would make it even more special. because kids really are a number one priority. and being able to share that part of their life with someone new is a tremendus gift of trust. i welcome it. and seeing a single mom who loves her kids to no end...would make me want to be with one so much harder...its proof that she has the love, kindness, compassion and patience, that it takes to make any relationship work.
 checkingup
Joined: 6/25/2005
Msg: 86
How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms
Posted: 6/28/2005 2:20:42 PM
If they refuse to date any single moms, they could easily be passing up the woman that would be perfect for them.

 biga17133
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 87
How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms
Posted: 6/28/2005 4:12:00 PM
I think that a lot of ppl think men and women with kids is scary baecuase they have not delt with a lot of things we with children have and the think there goes freedom and whipscal events, and they think there's know fun in your live with kids ...and they would be wrong ever so wrong kids add a spark to your eye's a laugh to your heart and a felling of joy... even tho sometimes u wished the had a battrey to take out we love them always... my son means the world to me and if being with out the love of a woman ,, then tough 4 them cuz they are missing out on 1 of the joys of the world he's my world and life to hell with any who dont like ..ALLEN
 Xainos9
Joined: 12/15/2004
Msg: 88
How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms
Posted: 6/28/2005 7:29:38 PM
It seems is all about the womens' needs and nothing else
 AllLiveAlone
Joined: 10/8/2004
Msg: 89
How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms
Posted: 7/5/2005 5:51:03 PM
^^ love that guy's comments--to the point ^^

The thing men miss most is when the woman fishes the condom out of the trash, uses the turkey baster, and then collects child support from you--mission complete.

You should have flushed!

Remember men! Alway flush and don't leave the seat up either!
 1sweetlove
Joined: 5/22/2005
Msg: 90
How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms
Posted: 7/6/2005 12:16:47 PM
I dunno about missing out but I think it not very mature to be so closed minded and not date women or men with kids. I mean what are they afraid of? Are they not responsiable enough or grown up enough to accept that a person has kids and they come first?
Some people can be such babies and would even get jealous of their partners kids..lol. How insecure can some be with the thought of a partner having kids?
But everyone can choose what they want,however,they may miss the boat by being so exclusive to whom they would be willing to date. Kids or not shouldn't really matter unless they can not handle responsability and sharing love with an extended family. It's about maturity I believe.
 ontario_woman
Joined: 4/3/2005
Msg: 91
view profile
History
 AllLiveAlone
Joined: 10/8/2004
Msg: 92
How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms
Posted: 7/6/2005 3:12:37 PM
^^^ high maintanance -- but cute. Is it worth it? Hell no. ^^^
^^ look up two ^^
---------
She writes:
"But I sure as h e ll do."
"what on earth makes him think he'd be good enough for me? "
"all you weak minded ones can go sit in the other pit"
"Don't let the door hit ya on the way out.."
"no darn wonder you aren't finding it, you have no clue what it is yet"
"We seem to be managing fine without your "assistance"."
She looks for a "a great and noble man"
"I'd like to reveal my utter disdain for what nicklicks said"

No wonder she is divorced or whatever.
Please all great and noble men please step up here to deal with her!
Be prepared to be insulted by this one since she seems to have the last word--WOW!
High maintainance should have her picture by it. Damm girl!
The truth is kids are a mostly 24/7 job and lots of work.
Kids from split families are even worse.
The practical issues of kids and dating are huge.

It is not about "selfishness". It is about their choices and inability to maintain a husband or have one in the first place.
I will catch hell for this but children are a big obligation.
Being a step-father or even step-boyfriend is hard due to built in resentment in the children.
She says you are weak minded if you don't like her kids. Hell getting a relationship going with her might be a huge challenge. You better be able to do everything she wants or else.

Children can be a joy but mostly your kids and not other's kids.

This woman is an a number one "man with pants on"
Someone tell this woman to tone down the "BAGGAGE" ===WOW!
 felldownstairs
Joined: 10/2/2004
Msg: 93
How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms
Posted: 7/7/2005 1:21:23 AM
I would have no problem dating a single mother. But I don't see it working out too well. As it has been stated over and over and over, single parents have quite the load of responsibility and commitment. I on the other hand am only responsible to my self and those who give me research grants. If the single mother can deal with the fact that I may lock myself up for a week or two at a time and not see the light of day while I work, then I can accept the fact that she might not be able to go out on weeknights because she has to stay home with the kids.

However, I would not marry a single mother (at least not until her kids are out of the house). I wish to have children of my own, but I do not wish to take care of someone else's progeny. Similarly, were I dating a single mother, I would not spend time at her house when her children were present.

Is it so wrong that I have no interest in kids that are not my genetic offspring? The burden of responsibility, and yoke of shared commitment is not one that I should have to bear - that's up to the real father. Just as were I a single father, I would not marry again, nor would I want those women I am dating to be around my children. It is not their responsibility, it is mine, and the birth mother's.

Someone on here stated something to the effect that those who have no interest in commiting themselves to a pre-formed family are lacking maturity. Take a good long look at the person you had those kids with, the one who doesn't take a hand in the support or responsibility. You made just about the biggest commitment in the world with this person by having children with them. Think about that, then come back and tell me all about maturity.

Feel free to riff on me all you want.
 AllLiveAlone
Joined: 10/8/2004
Msg: 94
How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms
Posted: 7/7/2005 10:45:56 AM

blastkist: High maintenance this baby...! And sadly it gives me great pleasure to not be in agreement with you on this topic...hmmm.


Dear girl, it is not the agreement or disagreement that was the issue. It is when you foam at the mouth with strong excessive statements of great ferver that make me feel you might be hard to get along with. It would appear that you do not want a discussion but rather the last word in the loudest voice.

It is not that you are not well spoken and smart, it is rather that you appear to be so convicted to "your solution" that it might turn off many men. Men are hardwired to do what you do in such a forceful way. It is not that men want to keep you down or not value the strength of opinion, but rather that it is inately unattractive to men.

Men aren't attracted women that are too forceful. Attraction is not a choice. It is a feeling from the limbic part of the brain which is one of the most primative centers and least changable. You have other traits that are attractive like looks and smart as well as being articulate. Please understand me. Men might like it intelectually but this has nothing to do with inate attraction itself. Many men can overlook it if they try hard. However, my point was you make yourself unatractive to males by your forceful nature. Some of the statements are downright hurtful to some. Not here, but in a close situation if you talk like this in real life.

This might be some of the roots of compatibility issue that might exist.
Now this is the point where you tell me to "PISS OFF".
 sweetdad4u
Joined: 6/2/2005
Msg: 95
How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms
Posted: 7/7/2005 12:03:39 PM
sorry, to go a little off topic but you single moms might be able to answer my question, why to women seem i hard to believe that a father can have full custody and raise his children or child
 sweetdad4u
Joined: 6/2/2005
Msg: 96
How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms
Posted: 7/7/2005 12:41:50 PM
well i am glad there is one out there, i guess i have been meeting the wrong women, but i have always agreed with what you said
 sshyguy
Joined: 6/19/2005
Msg: 97
view profile
History
How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms
Posted: 7/7/2005 2:35:04 PM
Blast I totally agree with your opinion
some ppl have to grow up both MEN and the occasional WOMEN some just have no respect and choose to hold on to a childish mentality that is beyond comprehend!!!
I left my ex because she couldn't get above a 16yr mentallity and it took me yrs to figure that out what a waste.
 Breifne
Joined: 5/13/2005
Msg: 98
How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms
Posted: 7/7/2005 2:43:36 PM
Back on topic: Without getting into the personal characterstics of parents vs. childless singles, I think the main reason to include parents in your dating repertoire is that it enlarges the pool of people to select from. Obviously you have to like children and be willing to accept the challenges that accompany them to consider this an option. More specifically you have to be willing to accept his/her children. I find that kids can add to a relationship (as well as detract). Some of the finest women I have dated have had children. I think a person is foolish not to consider dating single parents. But then, I guess that leaves all the more for me.
 AllLiveAlone
Joined: 10/8/2004
Msg: 99
How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms
Posted: 7/7/2005 3:02:43 PM

blastkist: I am my own hero...


I noticed in the DSM-IV descriptions very explicit signs of manic-depressive tendenacies mostly from high levels of grandeosity that you exhibit.

Or, maybe I am wrong and this malignant self love" might be a sign of "Narcissistic Personality Disorder". It is too bad that people with this disorder never are the ones that can see it. Most will not consider treatment until something really bad happens. NPD is also not treatable so you might be screwed.

Are you sure you are not in some kind of manic state and forgot to take your lithium or depakote?

You really should miss any does. This can get dangerous.
 yendor65
Joined: 1/15/2005
Msg: 100
How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms
Posted: 7/7/2005 3:43:58 PM
Well often times I "think" I'd like to date a woman without kids. However.....I NEVER say no just because of that. Several reasons why not. First and foremost, I believe in God. As much as I'd like to know what God has in store for me....I don't. I believe God has the "perfect" woman "for me" and she was picked long ago. I'd hate to slam the door in her face just because she has a child. Besides that, some women have very legitimate reason to be single moms and it isn't her fault, nor the child's fault, that she is single. For example, what an honor it would be to fill the shoes of a fallen soldier who died protecting OUR BUTTS!! For all I know that child might be the biggest blessing my life will ever know.

So, if I "choose" to not date single women with kids then I might miss my calling because self-will got in the way of Gods design.
 sweetdad4u
Joined: 6/2/2005
Msg: 101
How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms
Posted: 7/8/2005 5:25:45 AM
nice post just lmao as i just bought a mini van, i agree in my search i am not looking for a mother for my children, they have one, not a good one but they are happy
 TexasGal_JD
Joined: 6/1/2005
Msg: 102
How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms
Posted: 7/8/2005 6:04:24 AM
It would be a heck of a lot less complicated to date someone who isn't a single parent. However, with the divorce rate as high as it is, it's not very realistic. I've been divorced now for several years, and the recurring theme is one of selfishness. It's certainly neither easy nor for the faint of heart to juggle several competing interests, and frankly to many men it seems to be too much trouble. In my case, it's not just being a full time single parent, I'm also a full time post graduate student. If I'm forced to choose between a man and my education, I'll choose my education.
 AllLiveAlone
Joined: 10/8/2004
Msg: 103
How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms
Posted: 7/8/2005 10:37:27 AM
^^^^

There was no diagnosis of anything.
I just said I reconized some behaviors listed in DSM-IV that I though she showed.
Or, she already had these symptoms if she was being treated and was off meds.

You people are the ones reading things into the comment and assuming I made some kind of diagnosis.
You do not diagnoss based upon a few comments on a message board.
If you thought that, you obviously don't know how the process works.

I notice the people that come to this topic are understanding that kids are a huge responsibility and raising them as a single parent is very difficult.

Dating is hard enough to coordinate. Having to juggle kids and injecting a love interest into a child's domain is even worse. Then, there is the complications with the "ex'. It's like 3 strikes: stressed woman, kid complications, and the ex.

Somehow, noone says dating and raising kids is very difficult. Yet it seem obvious.
Singles that do come on mostly just say: maybe for a quikie (crude) or No way--I would rather start a relationship fresh. They are very frank.

Most divorced with kids complicate and justify why they make sacrifices and are worthy. The reality is it's more dificult and hugely more complicated than dating a single. Some object to the trackrecord of starting with a divorce no matter how "terrible" the ex was. Somehow the "ex" was great when they married and now is "terrible". That is hard to reconcile. Things tend to repeat but there are exceptions. With divorce rate at 50%, it is easy to see why there are many in this boat. It is just an unfortunate situation all arround.
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