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 purrtyprecious
Joined: 3/10/2005
Msg: 9
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Would you enter into a relationship with a person in Recovery?Page 5 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Hell NO....BAD Move! from experience (recently) 1) People in recovery become addicted to the meetings and really exclude other positive influences in their lives "because they wouldnt understand" 2) people often in "recovery" are recovering from addiction issues However, are forgetting all the issues that resulted in the "addictions" itself 3) most in recovery have many many unresolved issues as well stemming from personality (irratibilty), intimacy issues, old stuff comes out i.e. "dry drunks" or just a lot of other past stuff that never gets worked on eventually comes out!
 BrownEyedLeo
Joined: 1/5/2006
Msg: 25
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Would you enter into a relationship with a person in Recovery?
Posted: 5/25/2006 1:56:19 PM
No, NO, and NOOOOO !!! People who are addicts are always in "Recovery" and must put themselves and their addiction first in order to stay clean and sober. I have done the AA/AlAnon meetings with my Ex. And YES, some do become just as addicted to the meetings.
To even think for a minute that one will never relapse is totally ridiculous. How can we know they will not relapse when they do not know ?Addicts become addicted to other things to keep them from going back to the addiction they are getting help for.
I do not wish to live my life with AA taking a back seat to a relationship.
And, as for you drinking socially,Bob it is not my business to tell you this, but the program of AA teaches you that you are only one drink away from being a drunk How does an addict know when he/she may have that one drink again? I am far too selfish and want much more from a relationship than to live my life totally involved in AlAnon and AA. I applaud everyone who has achieved sobriety with AA. I do feel the addiction of AA is a far better addiction than drugs and alcohol.
For me. I do not want the life of being involved with a "Recovering Addict". There is too much of a Roller Coaster ride involved. One never knows when an "recovering addict" will once again become a "using addict".
I perfer a much more calm life. I never have enjoyed roller coaters rides anyway. I am a non drinker/non smoker and was married to an addict. I do not wish to be controlled by anyone's addiction.
 KAPOW!!
Joined: 3/11/2006
Msg: 27
Would you enter into a relationship with a person in Recovery?
Posted: 5/25/2006 4:53:07 PM
I'm currently in a serious relationship with someone who used to do meth quite a lot among other things, though I wouldn't really say it was AS serious as an addiction.. maybe minor. They have other problems along with that, some they can control, others not so much. I'm more than happy to be there everyday and help in every way I can.. I've never been in a better relationship than this one, really.
 captnjimbo
Joined: 2/11/2006
Msg: 29
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Would you enter into a relationship with a person in Recovery?
Posted: 5/25/2006 6:39:50 PM
Been there done that. Problem is with that, is that there is no recovery until addictions are so not a part of one's life that they are actually foreign to them. As long as one is still in a place where they can "still relate to that" they are still a part of it. There is a lot of truth to the old saying, "new play grounds, new playmates". Sounds like there is still more work to be done buddy,, I do wish you well and the very best.
 purrtyprecious
Joined: 3/10/2005
Msg: 31
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Would you enter into a relationship with a person in Recovery?
Posted: 5/26/2006 5:04:51 AM
thanks, your also absolutely right!! from recent experience (very very recent) I was dating, seeeing whatever you call it a guy who is in "recovery" man oh man! they really need a "MA" for messed up people. He was confused, abusive mentally and emotionally and when I called him on it his response was " I have worked out ALL my issues" hehe...what a joke i guess the issues of controlling women didnt stand out for him!
 canyunflyer
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 32
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Would you enter into a relationship with a person in Recovery?
Posted: 5/26/2006 7:26:29 AM
I would enter into a relationship with anyone whome I genuinely felt Safe. Recovery or not. Having said that, it is painfully evident how so many of you have No accurate concept of what recovery actually is. It is really tragic that such a negative stigma seems to be associatied with it.
allow me to share something with you. The programs are Good. The people in the programs represent every kind and every phase. Don't judge the programs by your particular experience with someone, or by negative hear-say ect. Programs are only as good as you work them. some people "get it".... and some just don't. Recovery, as it was initially developed by AA... is nothing short of a "gift from God" for mankind, in my opinion. the success rate and lives saved surpasses by far any other method we have come up with yet... including all our latest medical/psychological medicines and treatments.
Bellymanbob: I would suggest that by your use of the word "slave" in referring to meetings, you have an attitude problem which prevents you from really getting the programs full benifits. I had a good friend who, like you, decided that he was More intelligent that all those idiots who reduntently recite the stuff in meetings.... he quit going after 16 years. He died drunk. and very miserable too! As you should well know... being proactive in recovery is much more about personal and spiritual growth, than just sobriety.
Who can find anything negative about a program of "personal and spiritual Growth"? thats how I like to define recovery. Once we are thru the door... it really doesn't matter which door you stumbled in thru..... its all the same inside. My suspicion is.... In truth, there are probably very few people out there who have no need whatsoever of at least 'some' kind of recovery. Recovery is really a very good thing. Its where you will find the winners.
If any of you seem to be picking "loser's"..... don't blame it on recovery, just because they happened to be attending some meetings. It has nothing to do with the programs. It is about them. (and YOU!). Peace, and good luck.
 kristinanb
Joined: 3/21/2006
Msg: 34
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Would you enter into a relationship with a person in Recovery?
Posted: 5/26/2006 9:19:08 AM
I have much respect for those that are turning their lives around. Regardless of how they came into the situation, it takes much strength to improve. So on that level I can applaud them.

However, I would not want to be in a relationship. I just can't relate. I know a few friends and acquaintances in recovery. They are quite a rollercoaster and I'm just not that can stomach drama. One acquaintance I've known for about 6 years. A very likeable guy except he's just not stable sometimes. A stressful situation can and has put him over the edge to a relapse. It is very ugly to witness and be even casually involved as an outsider.

Tina
 captnjimbo
Joined: 2/11/2006
Msg: 40
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Would you enter into a relationship with a person in Recovery?
Posted: 5/26/2006 4:03:11 PM
Ever looked around at an AA or an Alonan meeting? Notice the coffee and the sweets. Guess who they're for. Most in the recovery are really replacing one addiction with another. As long as one's life is centered on not falling off the wagon, what ever the addiction is or was, that person is still in a state of addiction. If another enters into a relationship with them, then they have just taken on the problems of the addiction.. THey may even become an enabler for the person to fall off the wagon. This is called co-dependancy. I realize that recovery from many addictions are now recognized as medical conditions. Recovery can be considered as complete when the person can lead a nornal life without considering the consequences of doing things a regular person might do, like lets say for an example, alcohalism. One can enjoy a few drinks without any problem with the alcohal controling their life again. If one is in a position of 'one drink and I'm hooked', the person is still addicted. This can be said for any addiction, I've mentioned alcohal, but any of the others, cigarretts, food, shopping, sex, etc. the work can be both difficult and lond but probably the most rewarding thing one can ever do. I do wish you well and unlimited success.
 Alli_K
Joined: 10/14/2008
Msg: 47
Would you enter into a relationship with a person in Recovery?
Posted: 10/18/2008 1:55:54 PM
No I would not. My brother is an alcoholic and after seeing the things and the hell he put our family through it would not be possible.

Living in a different city, having him call me totally incoherent, then silence where I had to call the police in the city he lived to see if he was alive was a frightening experience. The police arrived to find him in an alcoholic coma after drinking a 40 oz. of vodka in a short time, then beer. . another time seeing him laying urine soaked, filthy dirty, that memory stays in your head

He was hospitalized , the promises of "never again" until he reached home. He was in rehab, released, eventually ended up in jail, released, relapsed going back to AA refusing to attend meetings, because he already knew everything, he'd been there done that. Remained sober, for nearly 3 years. Then he thought he could have the odd drink every now and then. Binge drinking, hospitalized, rehab, jail.... calling me , I and wanted to help him but you come to the realization he didn't want help, you can't help someone they don't want your help, they want the bottle more. Back to jail for drinking and driving without a permit, breaking his probation. It's a vicious cycle that doesn't end with some. His liver is now shot, he has some brain damage, cognitive thoughts are no longer cognitive. This was a professional man a medical career , wife, (she left early).
As much as you love them and swear you can "fix them". You will end up resenting them more! Yes he is still drinking.....
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 53
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Would you enter into a relationship with a person in Recovery?
Posted: 10/18/2008 6:21:20 PM
Depends, what were they addicted to, whey did they stop, at what point in their recovery are they, and really important, are they sober or on a big ole dry drunk?

Some people just can't do things in moderation, they aren't the falling down, piss your pants addicts, they just have to stay away from certain things because they over-indulge. I wouldn't be nearly as worried about them relapsing as say someone who drank to a stupor every day or did heroin or is only sober because the law makes them be. If an addict has no real idea why they are like they are, if they live in denial and are pissed at the world, I want no part of it. BTW not every recovery program works for everyone, but anyone looking for a relationship in the first couple of years of sobriety, I wouldn't trust them to really be trying to recover.
 yooperbrat03
Joined: 7/19/2006
Msg: 55
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Would you enter into a relationship with a person in Recovery?
Posted: 10/18/2008 7:44:04 PM
Ya'll are talkin about if you would enter a relationship with a person in "recovery" or not. Well here's a little perspective from someone in "recovery" and how they feel about dating ya'll so called "normal" people....

I'm a compulsive gambler, been attending GA for a year and a half and have a little over a year of sobriety. It is true we are discouraged from making any big changes in our lives for the first few years of our recovery and startin a serious relationship is a big change.

The people we meet at these meetings and see each week become like family. They help us when we have our moments of weakness and have our hand on the doorknob wanting to open it and walk back into our addiction. They understand what we are going through, because they have been there themselves.

This is the issue when it comes to dating. It is the understanding of the addiction, the possible relapse, and seeing that the need to attend meetings is just a small part of us keeping our sobriety as we work our program.

This is a big part of who we are and when we do date someone who is not an addict, we do take this in to consideration because when we date we look for people who are strong, caring, independent, and understanding individuals.
Why? Because a person needs to be strong for themselves, caring to our battle at addiction, independent because we do not want to have them in our lives just because and end up with a co-dependent relationship, and finally understanding because we would like them to understand our addiction because it would make the relationship stronger but it is their choice to do so.

Maybe this question should be reversed? What about a person in recovery entering into a relationship?

For me, if the person is not able to understand or at least willing to attempt to understand what my addiction is about or see that each day I work hard to maintain my sobriety by working my program then they are not the person for me....

Just my thoughts...


Brat
 LLandGirl
Joined: 9/2/2008
Msg: 58
Would you enter into a relationship with a person in Recovery?
Posted: 10/20/2008 5:03:26 AM
Greetings from another "friend of Bill". Six years clean and sober. Just wanted to touch on a few things I read here. First of all, it is recommended that recovering addicts not enter into a new relationship for at least 12 months. That is not because it takes 12 months to do 12 Steps, as they can be completed in short order if the desire is there, but because a person in recovery is detoxifying and in most cases working on their issues they have had for a lifetime. This allows the recovering person to focus on just that, their recovery, as well as their everyday lives.
Getting addicted to meetings? Some people feel they require more meetings than others and for some it is truly their social circle as well. A place where friends gather and love and support each other.
Relapse? Yes, sometimes it happens but in all cases I have found these people admit they were not working their program and/or attending meetings. They say "meeting makers make it." In the Big Book of AA it talks about the fact that often when a person completes their fifth step, all desire for alcohol will be removed. Such was the case with me. Others are not so lucky.
I think there should be a new thread started called "would you enter into a relationship with someone who drinks like a fish?"
I was really startled I must say, to read that so many people would not date a person in recovery as my experience has been quite the opposite in life and especially on plenty of fish. Do I tell men on pof that I am a recovering alcoholic? Yes, if they ask. Often the subject comes up with men in preliminary pre-date chats as my profile indicates I do not drink. I make it clear that I have no problem with anyone having a drink around me as long as they do not enter into some altered state. I steer clear of men who have listed in their profiles that they drink "often".
I have received nothing but positive reinforcement from the men I have shared this with on pof and some of the best dates and friends I have had on here are with men with whom I have been completely honest.
One last thing. If you would not enter into a relationship with a person in recovery, would you also not hire an attorney, have a teacher for your children, go to a doctor, buy a home from......a person in recovery? Sorry, chances are you already do.
One Day At a Time. Peace Out.
 geoffrey116
Joined: 10/11/2008
Msg: 60
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Would you enter into a relationship with a person in Recovery?
Posted: 10/20/2008 11:27:47 AM
I would stick with them if I loved them. I know things can be difficult but if the good times outweigh the bad then perhaps there is a chance. I know that hinsight is a wonderful thing and that you might feel bad at the time the issues are been raised. I suppose it depends how much in love with the person you are and the level of your support
 Arinna
Joined: 4/29/2007
Msg: 61
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Would you enter into a relationship with a person in Recovery?
Posted: 10/20/2008 4:47:18 PM
It depends on the person and how much responsibility he has taken for his own recovery.

One of the things that I appreciate about some people who are in recovery is that they go through serious self-reflection. They figure out how they participated in or caused issues. It is wonderful to talk with people who take responsibility for their own thoughts, feelings, and actions. I guess it's emotional maturity. There are many people not in recovery who have emotional maturity, but for whatever reason, the folks in recovery are a little more open and vocal about it. Just my observation. I could be completely wrong, of course.

On the other hand, there are those folks in recovery who hang onto anger and blame, even after attending meetings for years. This type of person I would stay far away from. And, again, there are those who are not in recovery who have these same issues. I steer clear of them, too.
 honeyhair
Joined: 8/11/2008
Msg: 68
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Would you enter into a relationship with a person in Recovery?
Posted: 10/29/2008 8:57:18 AM
Been there done that. Most of the posts here, and I had to read each and every one, put the onus on the recovering addict and no matter how you choose to look at them, the answer to the question is within.

Never again will I knowingly choose to become second place to some one else's priority. With an addict, his recovery will always be first priority. His friends will be in recovery (hopefully) and they will become a part of your life should you choose to support an addict. No matter what, or how little you might need from this person in terms of your relationship, unless it fits within his needs for recovery, it will never be HIS priority. Everything that you value or strive to achieve for yourself in terms of a relationship will be subjected to the quality of his recovery as he defines it.

My choosing not be involved is no reflection on the addict, but on the knowledge that I am capable of so much more than would ever fit within the confines of what a recovering addict is capable of dealing with.
 want to travel
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 71
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Would you enter into a relationship with a person in Recovery?
Posted: 11/3/2008 7:30:02 AM
yes i would, some of my friends and co workers are in' aa', one is in 'na', some prety wonderful people!!!
 hurricane hanna
Joined: 9/4/2008
Msg: 76
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Would you enter into a relationship with a person in Recovery?
Posted: 2/28/2009 6:20:07 AM
Most addiction treatment organizations recommend that a person avoid intimate relationships until their recovery is very solid. AA usually says that people should not get involved until they have been 'working the program' successfully, appropriately and sincerely for a year; and I think some people need longer.

I would recommend that if the person has stopped using for a number of years, you try to put it out of your mind as a problem, and not 'be paranoid' about it. A person who has successfully put addictions behind them for some years is quite unlikely to fall back into it. However, I would be sure that I verified that, as not all former addicts totally leave their substance abuse behind and not all are honest.

"Addicted to meetings"

Some former addicts need to participate in meetings frequently, and some do not.

For some people, attending meetings every night becomes a way to avoid household responsibilities or to avoid the difficult work of facing up to the effects of their addiction or making amends.

For some people, they simply need to attend meetings every night.

Quite a few addicts continue in manipulative, dishonest and evasive behavior even while attending meetings. My high school friend was quite a bit like this. Even if a former addict is annoying or difficult, not entirely dishonest, or 'thirteen stepping' in meetings (setting up relationships that help him avoid 'working the program' honestly and completely, or allow him to continue to manipulate and be dishonest), at least they aren't drinking or drugging.

A few people remain limited and are unable to participate in honest relationships their entire lives, they may even go back and forth using again and quitting again and again. Even for those who represent a very partial success, it is usually better than what they would be without the organization meetings.
 hurricane hanna
Joined: 9/4/2008
Msg: 79
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Would you enter into a relationship with a person in Recovery?
Posted: 3/1/2009 11:04:05 AM
He may be required to go. If he got in legal trouble that may be a condition of his probation or avoiding jail time.
 licoricecat_1
Joined: 11/23/2008
Msg: 95
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Would you enter into a relationship with a person in Recovery?
Posted: 10/12/2012 1:02:12 AM
I would not enter into a relationship unless they have a couple years sobriety under their belt and they have a sponsor. Reason is that they need to focus on their sobriety first not a relationship. This is a life or death situation. Drinking/drugging has got them in a lot of trouble everywhere and now they are finally getting help in a program. DO NOT .break their focus. Do not be their friend even because their focus will be to pursue you not the program. Be honest with them. It is an honest program.

Al anon or Nar anon is for Friends and families of the user and the meetings are for YOU not the user or to help them. It is to keep us from becoming a co dependent or an enabler and you would be working on yourself not on the user. It would be extremely helpful to you and it is a spiritual program/
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