Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 OxDrover
Joined: 7/20/2006
Msg: 26
Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?Page 2 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
My mom lives in her own home on the same property i live on, she is "going down hill on a bob sled" right now I have a live-in caregiver/companion with her but I over see her care. I was fortunate to find someone who badly needed a home at the time she needed a companion so it is helping both of them. He gets room and board and a small cash payment and takes wonderful care of her. But that may change at any time for me. I am fortunate that at this point it is not 24/7 bvut could be.
 ny_lady_13601
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 27
Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 3/7/2007 1:11:43 PM
If people have a problem with this, they need to stop and remember who took care of them when they were a child. And would they want to be alone in their old age? I don't have kids so I don't know what I'm going to do when I get a lot older, hopefully I'll have excellent neighbors because my own family of brothers and sister, neices, nephews don't give a hoot about anything but their own lives. When I went through a painful divorce my parnets were there for me, they were the only ones there for me! They have become my best friends and we help each other out, and I will be there for them no matter what!
 NapJoe
Joined: 1/17/2007
Msg: 28
Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 3/7/2007 1:39:26 PM
It's painful of course. However, after years of making money, looking forward to retirement I ask myself do I want to accrue that kind of person who has so much devotion to others that it disenables her, depletes the relationship. As for sacrifice I've sacrificed my whole life. Now is the time for freedom. Not more baggage by someone else's responsibility. It's time for retirement.

When I planned for retirement I didn't plan for a partner with such huge burdens she can't honor commitments to a relationship. She's torn between a new life and carrying another burden.

Sometimes it takes courage to disengage from parenting, grandparenting. Take time for yourself. You've earned it. Okay for others. But not everyone.

 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 29
view profile
History
Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 3/9/2007 10:23:09 AM
There are also parents who are mental independant even if they need help physically. Neither of my parents would ever be dependant on living with another person. Their choice. This presents a different set of problems. You try to help out, but the only help they will accept is running errends. It leaves the adult child worrying about their parents, but unable to change the desire to be independant long after independance isn't a good idea.

My parents have both passed on, but they did it their way.
 OxDrover
Joined: 7/20/2006
Msg: 30
Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 3/9/2007 1:12:22 PM
Kidshellene--that is why they called us the "sandwich" generation--many of us are still taking care of our kids and our parents too! Though since I am a bit over 45, the sandwich is thinner because my kids are grown, but still feel the crunch!

By the way, Cat Balou was my favorite movie in the entire world! Must have seen it 1,000 times Cat is my heroine!
 loveboat42
Joined: 1/7/2007
Msg: 31
Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 9/1/2007 1:03:59 AM
Here's to you! I agree totally. I took care of my dad for the last 2.5 years until he passed away three weeks ago. In my profile I mentioned that I take care of my dad (terminally ill with cancer and severe emphysema) and I believe this is why I had problems getting responses or interest from a gal! I can't figure out what would cause women to want to stay away--and not even chat!?!?
 gpb1953
Joined: 10/16/2006
Msg: 32
Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 9/1/2007 5:30:45 PM
Krekker50,
I agree with SandyMac (see Msg #4) ... the fact that you are taking care of your mother in her later years is a very admirable trait ... not somethting that should scare someone away. My guess would be you are better off without someone who would be scared away from you doing the responsible thing.
Gary
 strollinbella
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 33
Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 9/1/2007 7:43:06 PM
Kudos to you, Krekker50, for doing what any loving child should do. I work in health care with seniors and hope that, when I need it, someone will give me the quality of care that I now give to my clients.

Any woman who can't see the honourable qualities you possess is not worth another thought. She is obviously not considering the fact that, if you are going to step up to the plate when your parents need help, you will be there for her when she needs it.

Bonnie
 SimplySweet45
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 34
Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 9/2/2007 6:35:02 AM
As a health care aid I work with the elderly everyday. It's very sad to see them alone and struggling to survive because they don't want to give up the home they've lived in for 50 or 60 years. Most are alone and have no family members left. Whats really sad are the ones who do have family, but no family support.
Would I date someone who is looking after his elderly parents? In a heartbeat.
 nightowl5460
Joined: 9/4/2007
Msg: 36
Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 9/8/2007 6:50:03 PM
am responding to this thread because it explains WHY I am in the town I have listed on my profile.



If you read my profile, you will note that I live in Royse City which is a SMALL town which is about 30 miles to Dallas so it is not too far to date and my elderly mother (my father died when I was 12 years old and I am an only child) is the ONLY reason I am in this town.
While I do not like Royse City and long for the daily life of the big city, I feel that I have a responsibility to help look after my mother. She takes care of her affairs and we do not spend a lot of time together. And I bought a house that I would be close enough in case I was needed but not too close where we got in each other's lives too much.

As far as dating, It has NOT helped. Women say that they want a guy that will honor his parents but in reality, they seem to think that this issue will one day be the only thing I can focus on.

Of course the fact I am retired and I have enough time to take care of mom if need be and still have time for a relationship does not seem to enter into the minds of women living in my area.

I have said that a lot of Dallas women say one thing and do another.

But if I have to choose between dating a shallow woman just to have company or help the person that has been the ONLY one in my corner when I have gone through some really bad stuff and can still call and ask advise and what have you, then I will choose my mother any day.

The thing is, I have time for BOTH dating and if the need arises, then I can still take care of my mother.

And women need to remember if I am not willing to take care of my flesh and blood, do you think I will take care of YOU when you need help?

I never said Dallas women were not shallow but I keep hoping I am proved wrong.
 nightowl5460
Joined: 9/4/2007
Msg: 37
To love boat about lack of replies
Posted: 9/8/2007 6:57:12 PM
Women are after three basic things and it will never change. Money, what you can do for them, and someone they find attractive.

And these women are probably afraid you might actually ask them to provide a little help like wait for the plumber while you take a parent to the doctor.

Dating leaves a LOT to be desired.

Thank God there are other options.

But I do prefer a real relatioship.

Buyt I am at the point of my life that I do not believe this is going to happen.

But I keep trying and maybe I will be proved wrong.

The difference between me 20 years ago was that I was willing to put up with the dating BS.

As I get older and have been through more than my share of the BS, I find that I can take dating or leave it if push comes to shove.

The main thing is that a lot of women complain that they can't find anyone . Maybe they should be less picky and more reasonable because as we get older, life becomes more complicated.
 betterlate
Joined: 12/22/2006
Msg: 38
view profile
History
Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 9/8/2007 9:20:38 PM
OP, I am moving my Mother to a lovely farm and plan to take care of her financially and any other way she may need for the rest of her life.

If someone has a problem with that, then that is their problem and I am not about to change a thing.

I think the society is so "throw away" these days and I am proud that I listen to my own mind, my own heart and do just exactly what I feel is right.

I am impressed that you are caring for your mom, heck she did carry you for nine months, feed, dress, bathe you for many years, made sure that you had what you needed and it is time for a bit of payback,, if some women dont like that... too bad, no loss,, they probably just didnt want anyone else in your life... hang in there...

there are lots of good women out there, it just takes time... I also dont feel you should disclose personal information until you are in the more serious phase of a relationship, it is really none of anyone's business but yours...

BL
 catman40
Joined: 5/20/2007
Msg: 40
Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 10/2/2007 8:29:31 AM
those woman who would date a guy who is looking after his mom is a loser herself . she has no morles . someone told me . IF , they are looking after mom or dad they are ones who will be loving and NOT a hot head . I am living at home and taking care of my mom .
 ..firebird..
Joined: 7/30/2007
Msg: 42
Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 10/2/2007 12:18:10 PM
I am a home health care giver. I have seen family members take care of there parents. It is not always easy, stressful and time comsuming for some also. Anyone who helps a family member has a thumbs up. I also feel one would be a very loving person to do that.
Yes, I would date a person who was taking care of there parent(s), that would not be the issue.
Good for you that you helped your Mom.
 talksalot02
Joined: 6/7/2007
Msg: 45
Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 10/7/2007 8:37:15 PM
I'm sorry to say this, but probably not. I have my time to myself, and would like someone who can share it with me with no impediments. No kids, no parents.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 47
view profile
History
Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 11/7/2007 10:33:29 AM
I have seen identifying that you take care of children, an elderly parent, or patient for that matter is often the "Kiss Off" in the dateing world that seems to have an phobia of "baggage" of any sort. But I don't always go along with most of the poster's that say "Good riddence to bad rubbish".

Being a caregiver I have seen all types of caregivers and know my own failings.

Does it make us nobel? Nope. Sometimes it is easy to lean towards sounding self righteous when day after day what you do goes unpaid, undervalued by society, and resented by those who see us as weak oportunists rather than caregivers so defensiveness creeps in but we are doing a job we wanted and could so what is nobel about it? Certainly no more than going to work every day and handing your paycheck over to support a family for 10, 20 , 30 years and getting the ditch so the spouse can go be the Heroic son or daughter and abandon the promises made to be a spouse when it was suppose to be their turn. I have seen caregiver's punish provider spouses for leaveing them to feel un-needed for years when suddenly the opportunity comes up with a parent and forget they have enjoyed being home maker and Mom. Often the time they spent as caregivers now where balanced the time that they were being a pampered spouse. They just got bored and found and out. Or their parents finally pulled them off the couch with guilt, cash, or sad to say availability of booze or drugs in their "medicine" cabinets.

How often do we think we are superior because Mom and or Dad chose us over the "other" sibling or relative. Sadly parents don't always pick their caregivers on their skills but what they see is their lack of them to do anything else or as a payback for past due debts. Those needing care will pick the most easily dominated, desperate, or bored caregiver available especially if they are cheap. I have seen parents "Excuse" siblings that were the invested child/pride and joy/status child and wear out another so that the former justifys them as sucessful parents. Sometimes the incoming fish has swam in that river of denial and doesn't want to play into the abuse yet again for you. Admitting you were duped, guilted, abused into caregiving is a bitter self analysis that many adults won't make.

Do we profess to be availble and then ultimately only offer tiny off hour windows to nurture a relationship. How credible are statements that" I am going to enjoy a date with you" if you get there late, are constantly talking about "the Patient", are checking in constantly, smell like Bengay or worse, and leave early because you don't want to pay all night for not getting home in time to give the Patient their Good Nite routine. More and more people want more than being a temporary diversion to a caregiver-0-holic. More and more people don't see being placed as a low prioity or waiting in the wings to become the next object of care as terribly desireable. Who is really being selfish to ask another to wait to have a "life". When caregiving can and does often go into a 5, 10, or even 20 year gig that is a serious package deal. One I think people have a right to pause over. Especially if they see markers of where you are exhausted, broke, depressed, blameing, and dishonest with yourself about what you are asking.

Being a caregiver partner often doesn't fit in financial goals. When modern medicine can keep care recipients alive but make it financial suicide to who ever is involved is it fair for a potential partner to want to pick up the tab? If you are a long term caregiver you are NOT accrueing retirement, seniority, employment perks, or even protection from the state or siblings for your parents assests that is what they are doing if they take you own. Also how is it fair to ask a significant other to maintain a home so the state can get it. But if you have a LTR with a caregiver that is often exactly how it works out. Do we have the right to ask a potential spouse to carry us and the person we choose to carry. The effect is not just while the care recipient is here and now. The whole my parents are "My responsibility" takes on a whole knew meaning in the harsh light of reality.

Not saying all will but I have seen partners drive the wheels off their cars, pass up career promotions, raise kids, and spend years waiting in the wings to get ditched when the spouse inherited the parents home. The Caregiver decided they had done their time and didn't want to nurse a spouse. Sold the parents home. collected half the value of the spouses home, and run off with a nurse or some entirely new third party.

Makes people really nervouse and sometimes a red flag is all they need to move on to the next profile or another first date. I have thought a lot about how I present my ability to balance when I present my responsibilities. Sometimes being a caregiver is something you want to reveal after you have had the chance to show who you are as a person and what you are offering a potential date or partner. Actions always speak louder than words. Going on a couple dates, having fun , showing you will not ONLY or FIRST be a caregiver is probably going to up your chances at meeting someone who just might be a caregiver too but a PERSON first.
 Carole789
Joined: 10/6/2007
Msg: 49
Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 11/8/2007 8:29:03 AM
I think we all approach the years where a decision has to be made about the care of their aging parent, and it's not pleasant any way you look at it. If you are fortunate enough to be the one child "most able" to care for a parent, count your blessings. Would I get involved with a man- that is a different situation. I think it would depend on if I was ready to deal with that situation, more about me and where I am in my life, than about you. My father-in-law was just a mean person after his stroke, and that isn't something I care to have in my life again, BUT- if I was involved with someone, and the elderly parent issue came into the equation, it would have to be a give and take balancing act.
 Dorkfully Geekalicious
Joined: 7/11/2007
Msg: 50
Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 11/8/2007 10:12:08 AM
My mother takes care of my grandma right now. She moved in with her at the age of 49. After my grandmother had surgery she now needs 24/7 care so I shut down my business and care for her during the day while my mother is at work. (The rest of the family disappeared when she got really sick). Even tho there is all that family, if it wasn't for me staying with her during the day, she'd have had to be put in a nursing home since my mother couldn't take that long of a leave from work.

I'm finding a lot of men are having a problem with this, since I'm not working. But, too bad for them! My grandma won't be around forever, I'm only 31, I have plenty of time to work.
 GeekyCrazyButCool
Joined: 11/21/2012
Msg: 51
Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 12/15/2012 3:09:08 AM
I do also....and women run thinking I'm a momma's boy....which I don't understand since I PAY all the bills and own
the home. They still have this idea "Oh you live with your mom" and worst I've had multiple women say "Put her in a home" Seriously!!! no respect for their elders anymore just cast family aside....it's sad.
 tiff7777
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 52
Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 12/15/2012 2:38:15 PM
They were fools. I would admire you.
 LuvADKs
Joined: 8/31/2011
Msg: 53
Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 12/15/2012 3:25:00 PM

Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?


Charity begins at home.
 statemachine500
Joined: 8/25/2011
Msg: 54
Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 12/15/2012 6:06:07 PM
The majority of women voted yay.....but men that look after an elder claim the women say nay...not surprised at all...
 FML2013
Joined: 11/16/2012
Msg: 55
Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 12/16/2012 10:10:00 AM
I could see the men dating cold & selfish women saying "nay"..but at this point in time many of us are in/have been/will soon be in that boat. I'd like to think that the compassionate, caring nurturers out there wouldn't hesitate..whether they be male OR female..if they had a quality SO in their life.
 Midwest_Southwest
Joined: 9/9/2012
Msg: 56
Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 12/16/2012 11:18:20 AM

Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
I took care of my mother and the women I talked to online when they found out they just stoped talking to me. What are your thoughts on this?


I think its pretty telling. I have moved to be near my parents 82 and 87, and do a little helping now but expect to be doing caretaking at some point soonish. That's what family does. Too bad the women he was encountering didn't appreciate that OP is someone who cares for family, that people can count on. I think it would be great to meet a guy who was doing the same.
 activemelaney
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 57
view profile
History
Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 12/16/2012 5:59:32 PM
These issues surface on the forum..would you date(fill in the blank)?

I have no issue with someone who does not want 'to start' to get involved with a woman who has minor children, a major disability, an elderly parent at home, etc. This is different from someone who is already in a relationship and faces these issues with a partner. Then I wouldn't think much of a man who abandoned ship.

Many of us have reached a point in life where we want to be free to travel, relocate, pursue other dreams. I personally do not want to take on another level of responsibility. I helped care for my parents until their end. I raised my children until they were on their own. I'm not interested in 'starting' a relationship with someone who has these reponsibilities so 'no', I woudn't date them. I'm not going to feel like a less worthy human for it. I'm not letting them down in any way because they don't even know me.
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?