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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?      Home login  
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 Midwest_Southwest
Joined: 9/9/2012
Msg: 56
Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?Page 7 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
I took care of my mother and the women I talked to online when they found out they just stoped talking to me. What are your thoughts on this?


I think its pretty telling. I have moved to be near my parents 82 and 87, and do a little helping now but expect to be doing caretaking at some point soonish. That's what family does. Too bad the women he was encountering didn't appreciate that OP is someone who cares for family, that people can count on. I think it would be great to meet a guy who was doing the same.
 activemelaney
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 57
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Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 12/16/2012 5:59:32 PM
These issues surface on the forum..would you date(fill in the blank)?

I have no issue with someone who does not want 'to start' to get involved with a woman who has minor children, a major disability, an elderly parent at home, etc. This is different from someone who is already in a relationship and faces these issues with a partner. Then I wouldn't think much of a man who abandoned ship.

Many of us have reached a point in life where we want to be free to travel, relocate, pursue other dreams. I personally do not want to take on another level of responsibility. I helped care for my parents until their end. I raised my children until they were on their own. I'm not interested in 'starting' a relationship with someone who has these reponsibilities so 'no', I woudn't date them. I'm not going to feel like a less worthy human for it. I'm not letting them down in any way because they don't even know me.
 aussiesealady
Joined: 11/10/2011
Msg: 58
Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 12/16/2012 6:24:53 PM
My dad, nearly 80 lives with me.
And it has never bothered any of my dates.

A couple of men have felt strange about staying overnight here as he is still a father and I laugh as I can imagine them thinking he will ask their intentions and come after them with a shotgun. lol.

I have tried to date men who are caring for a parent but unlike me they do not seem to have time to go out do things.
And they often have a different way of thinking to me.
They also don't want me to meet thier parent and one man from here this week made it perfectly clear that he was seeking a Friend with Benefits who could be available for no strings sex, away from him mum's house and when he had some spare time.

Sorry - Nope.

I wonder if there is a different mindset if the parent moves in with the child - i.e. my situation and I am supporting my father - not getting a carers benefit. I work and he gets an old age pension.
If someone comes to my house for dinner, lunch, to pick me up etc they meet dad.
He is just there.
The same as they would meet anyone.
Introductions happen to dad and the dogs.


As against living in your parent's home and getting a carers pension.
Living in your parents home and their rules.

For me it is as others have said, the same as having small children.
I want to date someone who wants to date me and has time to do things.
 BlackLady1953
Joined: 5/27/2011
Msg: 59
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Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 12/16/2012 6:26:18 PM
Yes I would. That action says a lot about their character....and it says GOOD things.
 activemelaney
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 60
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Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 12/17/2012 10:20:21 AM
Yes I would. That action says a lot about their character....and it says GOOD things.


Usually. As a nurse for 32 years I see a lot of scenarios. All types. Hats off to most who take care of their parents but there are still many with not so noble connections. Often single adult children drift into this relationship. It's the child that had a few issues, never left home, left home and then didn't do too well in life. they may have had children of their own and now have an emotional dependency on a parent,etc.

Bottom line...a lot of 'living together' adult child/ dependent parent relationships involve lower socio-economic groups, borderline poverty, etc. It's one thing for a person with good employment, a healthy lifestyle, etc. to take in a parent ....they may get day help, enrole the parent in out of home activities, etc. However, all too often it's a default situation in which an adult child doesn't do much to improve their own lot in life, and retreats into the role as caregiver. It becomes an excuse to put life on hold.

As others have written. There isn't any reason why a dependent parent need put restrictions on activities most of the time. If it does, then that's not really the parent but the adult child not having the wherewithal to look into programs, make other arrangements, etc.
 BlackLady1953
Joined: 5/27/2011
Msg: 61
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Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 12/19/2012 5:00:52 PM
I respect your position as a nurse activemelaney, but I don't fully agree with all that you say. Sometimes, there are few alternatives.......I have an elderly aunt who doesn't get much $ on social security who currently lives in a low-income senior apartment. If she would get into the position where she was unable to care for herself (she has no children, and her husband is long dead), it would be up to me to find a way to care for her. And in my state, they would rather pay for someone to be in a nursing home than to have a person come "in-home" to help the elder a few hours a day. And I do work (two jobs), and can't afford to hire anyone, nor can I afford to quit my job(s). I'll need my pension for my old age -- so I don't end up like my aunt. For people in this situation, the alternative arrangements are few and far between.
 GeekyCrazyButCool
Joined: 11/21/2012
Msg: 62
Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 12/21/2012 4:32:11 AM
It's kind of sad that people look down on others for taking care of their family isn't it.
 Smarts and Heart
Joined: 12/15/2009
Msg: 63
Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 12/21/2012 12:27:47 PM
Well all I can say is you're "lucky" they stopped talking to you. Would you really want to be with someone who didn't want to take care of their parent? Tells alot about that person!

My mom passed away on New Years Day 2012, I spent the previous 2.5 months sleeping in the hospital by her side 4 nights of the week, My sister spent 2 nights and my kids took turns the 7th night. My dad spent the days with her. We booked a gathering room at the hospital and the entire family celebrated Christmas Day with grandma. I cooked the turkey and everything and brought it to the hospital, it was fantastic! New Years eve we ordered Swiss Chalet chicken again at the hospital and everyone got to say their good-byes. I knew her end was near and I decided to stay with her, although one of my sons was to stay. I didn't want the kids to be alone with her when she passed. She did so in the wee hours of New Years day in my arms. My then boyfriend, was a pillar of support through all this. He's now my fiance.

We both now have aging fathers 83 and 88 and know that the time will come when we'll both have to be there for them, ungrudgingly! Our home is open to both of them if or when they reach the point when they can no longer cope on their own. That's what family is about. I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't have that in them.
 GeekyCrazyButCool
Joined: 11/21/2012
Msg: 64
Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 12/23/2012 1:38:23 PM
Apparently yet again it's a huge turn off (sigh) as I spoke to a girl last night and mentioned it to see her reaction :(
 tulipsforme474
Joined: 11/25/2012
Msg: 65
Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 12/23/2012 2:05:56 PM
I don't know why not, I'm planning to move close to my Dad. Many our age are looking after grandchildren. My hat is off to them all.
 kryla3yahoocom
Joined: 6/7/2010
Msg: 66
Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 12/23/2012 3:37:39 PM
they are not worth the time of day i to take care of my mom she has alsimre and can not stay a lone so i stay with her and my sister dode the same if they can not under stand that then they are not the right one for you i think it is great that you take the time for your mom
 aussiesealady
Joined: 11/10/2011
Msg: 67
Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 12/24/2012 10:46:18 PM
YES!

And I take care of my dad. Or should I say he takes care of me.
He also is a media star.
http://www.abc.net.au/news/

Cut and paste the link into you browser.

Now with a dad as cool as that.
I think the blokes will be lining up.
But they will have big shoes to fill.
 activemelaney
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 68
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Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 12/26/2012 9:55:20 AM
^^^^^
Excellent perspective.

A common scenario is mom or dad has a stroke, progressive mobility, cognitive issues, etc. The adult children are well intentioned in wanting to provide care. Arrangements are made for in home care but then a few months later the parent is in a seniors' care home with proper facilities and trained staff. Older seniors deteriorate. they rarely get better.

Sometimes nobody is benefitting from home care. It's a well intentioned alternative but the world collapses around some arrangement. Immediate families suffer, siblings often get resentful, career suffers, etc. The parent being cared for may or may not be benefitting. Family members would often do better to spend a lot of time choosing a proper care facility and then setting out a schedule for visiting, following up with nurses, doctors, etc. Today there is a full range of care opportunities.

Actually we'd all do better making our own arrangements. Be proactive and think about a one level condo, adult onl y building, etc. Men are notorious for not planning. They often say something like 'just shoot me' but that's not going to happen so they've just put put the burden of choices on their spouse or children.
 teditis
Joined: 12/5/2012
Msg: 69
Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 12/26/2012 3:29:50 PM
I'm doing that very thing right now... and while it concerns me, because I still want a life that's "outside" of that... I fully intend to continue doing what I'm doing.
If someone else can't deal with a guy that's fully involved in taking care of an elderly, dying parent... no harm done, no criticism... we're just not meant for each other at this time. Pass me by... please.
My problem is... that I don't know how to make it known and understood.... without turning it into an "issue".
It's a tough subject that I'm dealing with on my own... er, with my family... I just don't want it to impact my life in regard to meeting new friends... dating, whatever.
GL with yours...
 BLAIR2
Joined: 1/9/2010
Msg: 70
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Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 12/29/2012 11:15:47 AM
To stop talking to a person because he/she cares for an older relative shows an empty heart. She did you a favor...a big one.
 larissan04
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 71
Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 1/22/2013 6:22:31 PM
that's terrible! i don't get how someone could make that an issue. we should all take care of our parents.
 Lucky...13
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 72
Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 1/24/2013 12:44:12 PM
OP. They're just jealous of the other woman in your life. Not even worth giving them the time of day.
 hooisu
Joined: 2/27/2011
Msg: 73
Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 1/24/2013 6:36:53 PM
I can't even imagine anyone being so shallow as to quit talking to someone because they have decent family values.
 Love.Notes
Joined: 7/27/2012
Msg: 74
Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 1/24/2013 8:41:55 PM
I took care of my mother until the day she died and I can tell you from experience... I had NO TIME for a relationship even if I wanted one. It would depend on how much care your mother needs. In my case I couldn't leave her unattended to go off for a nice night on the town let alone date anyone. The doctor I was seeing at the time didn't seem to understand that and as a result I ended that relationship pretty damn quick. As a caregiver, much of the responsibility falls on your shoulders. If anyone can't understand the pressure you're under or the burn out you may face they are not worth having in your life. You're doing the right thing by honoring your mother and in the end you will be grateful you did. Trust me, there is no better reward in life than to walk her through to the end.

Does that answer your question?
 ekb66
Joined: 12/17/2012
Msg: 75
Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 1/25/2013 10:07:15 AM
Beginning and building a relationship requires a commitment of time, effort and availability. Taking care of an elderly parent requires more of the same. If you are giving all that time, effort and availability to caring for your parent(s), there isn't going to be much left over after work, caring for yourself and other obligations to give to relationship. IMO, it is not shallow for another to not want to be a part of that. You have set your priorities and it is your commitment, not another's. Keep looking, or put dating on hold while you fulfill your commitment to caring for your elderly.
 turnitover1959
Joined: 2/15/2013
Msg: 76
Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 3/31/2013 10:03:25 PM
I admire someone who does this and I do it myself. I have been rejected for a date because of it. What are we supposed to do-euthanize our parents? Anyone who wouldn't date you because of it is not worth meeting. Do you think they will have your back later on? Take good care of Mom and good luck .
 BlackLady1953
Joined: 5/27/2011
Msg: 77
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Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 4/1/2013 11:52:46 AM
Hooisu, there are a ton of folks out here who don't have "decent family values." They "talk the talk", but don't "walk the walk."
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 78
Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 4/1/2013 1:11:46 PM
I have to agree that it depends upon the level of care that ones parent requires, and what level of support the primary caregive has....that being said..."some" ppl are looking for someone who can devote all/most of their free time to a relationship...others are more flexible...So, if as a caregiver you're not staight out 24/7 caregiving, then look for someone who is flexible with what they seek in another.
 mitzicentennial
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 79
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Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 4/1/2013 7:33:09 PM
Their loss.

What does that have to do with anything? If they really like you, they will deal with your situation.
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 80
Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 4/2/2013 5:26:05 AM
Again, I would say it depends on the level of care the caregiver is required to give to the aged parent, as well as, the living arrangements.

Is someone who takes care of, and lives with, a parent 24/7 really setting their priorities correctly by also persuing dating???
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