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 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 122
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Loners - what gives ? Page 2 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
He probably had a lot of married or dating friends and listened to them talk about it and thought "Stuff that for a masochistic pursuit"
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 124
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Loners - what gives ?
Posted: 10/7/2011 2:55:24 PM
Another person wont fix that, its something you have to fix yourself first before trying to share your life with someone otherwise its not doing them any favours either
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 126
Loners - what gives ?
Posted: 10/7/2011 3:16:49 PM
~OT~ I'm a serial monogamist, but a loner, no doubt. Very likely why most of my "romantic" relationships have a shelf-life about as long as 4 seasons. Being a "loner" is tough for people around us. I start to feel smuffocated very easily and then the shut down begins and the questions begin, usually with, "What's wrong??" There's very likely nothing wrong except my insane need for expansive amounts of alone time. Very few people, women or men, understand this part of "who" I am. The upside is that I've never been accused of being needy. I have met one man that can deal with this aspect of me and bless his heart, he truly does get it. Doesn't ask what's wrong, just knows that there will always be a day/date/time when I want to be left entirely alone and that it will pass at some point in time. There are three women friends that have stood the test of time, knowing this about me, and they all know that I'll vanish and then re-appear when I'm re-charged and capable of giving them time, effort and energy that they so deserve from me. I don't think being a "loner" is a bad thing, if you choose people to be in your life that understand, "It's not you, it really is ME." JMO
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 129
Loners - what gives ?
Posted: 10/7/2011 3:59:24 PM

Verygreeneyes, I can relate to that need. It is common in introverts. Not calling you an introvert, it is just a common thing amongst them. I didn't realize I had this need for many years and when I did, I opted to call it "needing space" and I discovered that term is interpreted many ways, not the what I was intending. But the need is very real. As real as needing sleep.

You are correct. I am definitely "introvert" if dozens of personality tests and evaluations are correct. We (introverts) definitely have our own set of needs/wants that are often times misunderstood and/or mis-interpreted than "gotten." I married an extrovert, thinking his out-going nature was amazing. That out-going-ness very quickly grated on my nerves and ripped at the core of who I was because I found him draining me personally on so many levels. The need to be seen/heard/watched/and attached to MANY people simply did not work in the world I tend to hold very privately. I often wonder if there is a happy medium for this, but what I have found? I do best with those as introvert or even more so than I am. Seems there is at least a shred of understanding when someone needs alone time as much as I do. JMO
 seesclearly
Joined: 5/31/2007
Msg: 130
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Loners - what gives ?
Posted: 1/4/2012 2:47:40 PM
Not at all judgmental. It isn't normal to avoid closeness.
 Ravenstar66
Joined: 8/27/2007
Msg: 132
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Loners - what gives ?
Posted: 1/11/2012 8:14:40 PM
I've always been a loner... I adore my space and free time/solitude. I actually need it to remain balanced if I'm around too many people for too long I find it exhausting and get irritable.

I've been married and lived with people but I'm happier living on my own. It has nothing to do with my sex drive though.. that's quite healthy. I just don't need to have someone with me 24/7. I don't think I'd ever live with anyone again though - it's against my nature and I'd end up making them and myself miserable.
One of the advantages of being a little older is being able to throw out the rules and make your own.

I have friends, family that I spend some time with. I've never felt the emotion of loneliness, not often anyway. I enjoy my own company and have a ton of interests that keep me busy. I think it's in the makeup of some people to be that way just as there are some who need people around all the time...which I totally don't understand.

It's the differences that are cool - we are all different and have different needs. It would be boring if we were all the same.
 idaho_chuck
Joined: 6/27/2006
Msg: 133
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Loners - what gives ?
Posted: 2/13/2012 1:58:30 PM
People think it's odd that people (like me) have never married and had no children. For some of us, it just wasn't in the cards. I had two relationships when I was younger that involved kids that completely soured me on the whole picket fence idea. I also let a couple of good keepers get away because I was young and stupid. (most) women have bought into the picket fence 2.3 children ideal that has been forced down our throats for years and years by our parents and society. Is having 3 or 4 failed marriages and kids by several different fathers more normal than never getting married and just dating instead? As far as celibate....I am not. I am choosy about my partners but do not go without by any stretch of the imagination. I am also a bit of a loner and am ok with my own company. I do not need to be around people all the time to be content. I have 2 cats that love me unquestionably. They are ALWAYS happy when I come home LOL. Would I like to get married? SURE to the right person. I just refuse to get married because it's the status quo. I just had my divorces before I tied the knot!! (much cheaper that way!) It is either right, or it is not....I refuse to settle!
 anais987
Joined: 12/14/2010
Msg: 134
Loners - what gives ?
Posted: 2/13/2012 8:10:01 PM
He is used to be alone and he is comfortable with it. It's more honest than start living with someone and only care about his own needs because this is all what this man is going to care about, he never cared about anyone else. Living together (married or not) it's a compromise every day, otherwise you won't last very long.
I was married and lived with a boyfriend, but I was the one compromising most of the time. Call me loner too, but I seriously don't want to live with anyone any longer, I like to live alone but date.
 TouristAttraction
Joined: 9/29/2010
Msg: 135
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Loners - what gives ?
Posted: 2/15/2012 9:06:45 AM
I don't see the big deal, one of my co-workers is like that, and he's a great guy and everyone likes him. He's getting into his fifties, fit as can be, loves riding motorbikes, has lotsa fun, and has strong work ethic, great guy.

But has no interest in marriage. Barely even interested in sex even though he can easily find it. Some people are like that, and nothing weird about that lifestyle.
 CaptainAlbator
Joined: 8/26/2010
Msg: 138
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Loners - what gives ?
Posted: 2/15/2012 8:52:06 PM
Some people don't play hard to get, they play hard to want!
 1osubuckeye
Joined: 1/12/2011
Msg: 139
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Loners - what gives ?
Posted: 2/15/2012 8:55:14 PM
I'm a loner because I don't care. I get laid plenty and have plenty of friends. What's the incentive not to be a "loner"?
 Peppermint_Petunias
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 142
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Loners - what gives ?
Posted: 11/29/2013 2:19:29 PM
Loners are not always psychopaths that want to be alone all of the time ready to shoot someone knocking at the door.

They can just be picky about what they do and with whom they do it with.
They enjoy alone time more often than most and others can take it the wrong way.
They can say no without being made to feel guilty by doing what they don't want to when they don't want to, usually because they were forced into situations like that when younger.


There is a lot in this book about loner kids being forced to mix by anxious parents who don't know better

^^^^^^^Sounds insightful

Many have/had relationships, have/are married, have had kids and careers involving dealing with people.
The less people in their lives often make them the most fiercely loyal/loving to those that are.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 143
Loners - what gives ?
Posted: 11/29/2013 4:03:19 PM
I say that while society wants all people to do a certain thing to satisfy something it wants, that not all humans will have personalities that have interest in following that thing. So if all of society wanted people to remain single and not get involved or wanted people to remain isolated - then people who wanted to settle down and get married, or wanted to be around people would be seen as odd.

I'm believe all people have different interests, ideas, preferences. Sometimes one person can't at all identify with another, but that doesn't make either of them normal or abnormal, just different. So neither introversion/extroversion is right or wrong - there are just people who naturally crave one or the other (or a little of both) and there's nothing wrong with it.
 deerdog1
Joined: 6/17/2013
Msg: 144
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Loners - what gives ?
Posted: 11/30/2013 6:04:31 AM
many times in my life I have wished I could have been content to live life alone ..No relationships ..No kids ..no heart aches ... dont get me wrong I wouldnt take anything for the people I have became close to ..or for my kids ..but love does make for a lot of pain in life ..and in the end it wont mean a solitary damn
 elmuchoburrito
Joined: 8/27/2013
Msg: 148
Loners - what gives ?
Posted: 12/1/2013 10:13:19 AM
Just from my stand point
It is easier to be yourself and alone - than it is to constantly lie and compromise to be with someone.
And at some point - you realize you don't need it.
Sure - it would be nice - like winning the lottery - I think I have about as much chance at either
After ALL (meaning every damn one of them) of my friends have gotten a divorce - they have all said - 'I get it' and finally quit asking me when I am going to 'settle down and get married' .
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 149
Loners - what gives ?
Posted: 12/2/2013 4:14:54 PM
for every introvert, there could be one or two people unhappy with their marriage/family situation. they may be in their situation in order to feel they have achieved success in life, by avoiding being alone. I meet many people who deserve human respect...but don't deserve my focus and devotion. so I don't invite their stupidity into my life, and everyone's happy as a result (I'm not constantly reminding them their problems are self-inflicted and can be easily remedied as a result of that control).

some people invent the things we use in life b/c they didn't have distractions. others invent what we use b/c they saw a problem to solve, by hanging out with other people.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 152
Loners - what gives ?
Posted: 12/5/2013 11:48:25 AM

I totally agree, I'd like a new car but that means I'd have to work to get one. Totally not worth the hassle.

The car analogy is good - so in that context I guess it depends on how much value you place on a new car and how practical it is. If you don't need one and can either live without a new one or live without one at all - it will be easier for you to be choosy about buying one or what features you want. If a car doesn't meet your budget or have the features you want in a car, you'll have no problem walking away from it. If you don't have a car or yours dies and you need a new one, you're going to adjust your expectations, spend differently than you want to, or go without features you want for the sake of needing to get around.

No one is "strong enough to be independent". How hard is it be single?

For some it's very hard.

Seriously.

Yes, seriously.

You make it sound like it's a badge of honour not to be in a relationship, when it's takes no work at all.

On the contrary, it's very hard for some people not to just consider anyone an option if it keeps them from being single.

I find it funny (and not singling you out here) when someone thumps their chest about how cool they are because they are not with anyone.

I have seen people say they prefer it, but I don't recall them saying that they thought they were cool.

Yes, I'd rather be single than in an abusive relationship - who the hell wouldn't?

You'd be surprised that some would rather put up with crap than be "alone". While some would never consider staying with someone who treats them like crap - plenty feel that it's better than having no one.

Relationships (good ones at any rate) take work. Lots of it. People don't want to work for them - they'd much rather have Ms/Mr Perfect just gently fall into their laps.

I'll work for something I want. If I want a certain kind of relationship my selection is just as important as the work I'm willing to do. If all I want is to avoid being single, I'll consider damn near anyone. It's more work to keep a relationship that's bad for you going than to stay by yourself, sure. I think that's the main point people are making.
 elklover13
Joined: 10/30/2013
Msg: 153
Loners - what gives ?
Posted: 12/18/2013 1:41:35 PM
I am a loner because I choose to be. I work 5 days a week 40 hours a week and I never get weekends off so I am never available for most women. It isn't hard to be single. It is hard to ask a woman out. Easy for the woman to say yes or no. In my case I have ask out over 50 women and had them all tell me no. It is not like I didn't try.
 cesska
Joined: 11/7/2011
Msg: 155
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Loners - what gives ?
Posted: 12/18/2013 8:19:10 PM
when are you happiest?
I am happiest alone.
 Iredurbio2
Joined: 4/18/2013
Msg: 156
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Loners - what gives ?
Posted: 12/20/2013 11:55:50 AM
It seems to me with all that I have read here and in other forum threads as well as profiles.All the ones being in relationships have learned so much and state they know what they're looking for and won't put with.It's a good chance it won't be long before they actually will know what it's like to be alone.
 m14shooter
Joined: 10/2/2009
Msg: 157
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Loners - what gives ?
Posted: 12/22/2013 5:35:28 PM

OP, I'm 47, never dated, never married, never had a relationship. Although, I would like to have one. I just have never asked a woman out who said yes yet.


From reading your profile you should read Emotional Intelligence, it could help you relate to others to where she will say yes.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 158
Loners - what gives ?
Posted: 12/24/2013 7:58:31 AM

All the ones being in relationships have learned so much and state they know what they're looking for and won't put with.It's a good chance it won't be long before they actually will know what it's like to be alone.

People who are loners are already comfortable with their own company - so they will be better prepared for being single for life if that's what happens. In fact, they prefer it to being with someone just for the sake of it.

Ahhh, the old threat of aloneness if you don't compromise yourself enough. You're never alone unless you end up somewhere there are no living things. Are you saying that these people should date people they may not even like so they don't (GASP) end up by themselves?
 deerdog1
Joined: 6/17/2013
Msg: 159
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Loners - what gives ?
Posted: 12/24/2013 9:17:44 AM
the first and most prominent red flag I see when looking for a woman on POF to date is when she list long term relationship as her goal .. not so much when just chosen as what she is looking for ..but when it stressed so much she includes it in her description..second red flag is when she stresses a disinterest in sex ... Let me explain I too have dreams of meeting Ms right and spend a life time in a blissful relationship...

but that being said what I really want is to meet a woman who has met me cant live without me ..rather than one who is seeking a relationship..and I have found that just when a relationship was least important in my life ..thats exactly when a relationship found me ..harping on wanting long term just reeks of wanting a relationship regardless of who its with .. and feeling that they have to mention that they wont have sex in a certain time frame reeks of using sex as bait for said relationship

for me a woman that has sex with me on the first date while making it evident that the reason she is having sex is because she is so attracted to me she cant hold back .is a much better catch than the woman who wont even mention sex without a commitment or for a certain time frame

and my hard limit red flag is these women who whatever the time frame for sex ..they think that its instant commitment /relationship has been implied ..even when it has not been discussed ..one woman I dated from POF comes to mind .. we chatted and made a date .. we went out and I was intrigued.. we ended up at her house and had fantastic sex ..and slept in each others arms ..next day im thinking ..Ive fell into something good !!..lol well evidently she was thinking the same thing ..lol. I called her and asked her out for the weekend ..and she invited me back to her house for dinner ..I accepted ..everything was going great till I had to use the bathroom ..in her bathroom was my own toothbrush labeled .. towels ,bathrobe and house slippers no less..monogrammed with my name on them ..well the walls started closing in and I had to run ..I made an excuse and hit the door running ..a few weeks later she was telling what a player I was ..I never discussed any commitment with her but it was on my mind ..if she had just waited a few weeks the towels and bathrobe may have been in order
 GJBrown
Joined: 9/12/2011
Msg: 161
Loners - what gives ?
Posted: 12/24/2013 9:54:44 PM
I could be a Loner. But would probably still get a loyal dog to keep me company.
What did this have to do with Sex or Dating?!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 163
Loners - what gives ?
Posted: 12/25/2013 7:51:54 PM

I could be a Loner. But would probably still get a loyal dog to keep me company.

That would make you not a loner, as a loner you would only want company when you're in the mood for it, and that's rare and exhausts you quickly. Take it from me, a dog is a 24/7 obligation of attention - as a loner, it ain't easy dealing with that from humans, animals, house plants - you name it. Forced interaction can drive you crazy.

I got a dog for other reasons entirely, the fact that he needs so much attention is the downside to some degree. There are times I don't want to leave my house for two days. The dog forces me to. I'm not always a fan of it.
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