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 AUTHOR
 scozomflop
Joined: 6/1/2006
Msg: 8
Did I screw up my chances?Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)
So, are you saying that a woman won't usually change her mind? I'm hoping my ex will. I miss her alot, we broke up in april and i wasnt expecting it. I never thought I would lose her. She seemed so attached to me. She acually seemed obsessed with me to the point that I started to neglect her. We had known eachother for 4 years and dated for 2.. I always had a crush on her but she was taken. In my heart I always thought she was the one for me, but I couldent have her. Then after 2 years she told me she had feelings for me, and didnt love the guy she was with (he was a total jerk). she broke up with him a few months later and we took it slow. I didn't trust her at first but she assured me "I was the one." after a little time I believed her and gave her my heart completely. She told me she didn't know what true love was until she met me.
Now were broke up and she's with someone else. She met him at college. He's in the same field as her. I'm so crushed. after all we went through to get together( I didnt tell you the details of that) I thought she was the one. after we broke up I decided to tell her that I still loved her and was having trouble moving on. She told me not to move on "for now" and she wanted me to call her 2 times a week. she hugged me and we went out seperate ways, I have never called her. She hasnt contacted me at all. Oh I saw her once at a store, she was pretty cold.
whats up!? I thought she would miss me a little. we had a deep relationship. I long for her and the great times we shared.
 Gibbly
Joined: 6/21/2006
Msg: 11
Did I screw up my chances?
Posted: 6/21/2006 12:37:55 PM
Attn SCOZOMFLOP

(If you got this twice, I am having technical difficulties....!)

Hey dude, SWF (24yrs old) talkin...

"She seemed so attached to me. She acually seemed obsessed with me to the point that I started to neglect her.........
........She told me not to move on "for now" and she wanted me to call her 2 times a week. she hugged me and we went out seperate ways, I have never called her. She hasnt contacted me at all. Oh I saw her once at a store, she was pretty cold."

Obviously I can't know exactly what went on? But I have been on the other side of this a few times, so here's what it is when I'm acting the way she is....

1. Girl meets guy, girl is cautious about relationship but guy has been saying all sorts of sweet, romantic, caring things for a long time....
2. Girl caves and thinks "this is the one!", as all the caring, emotionally vulnerable things the guy said finally break down girl's defenses and earn her trust.
3. Ok, here's the problem... many guys can say all the sweet emotional things they are feeling, and change their mind later without feeling bound by what they said (which confuses girl)... end result being girl is now super attached, remembering all his words, and guy is wondering why girl is all of a sudden "so attached... seemed obsessed", and begins to neglect her (not uncommon, actually almost a normal response)
....what is it? Being unobtainable and independent, rather than clingy, is what earns the girl attention? That'd be my guess. Except girl is now open to being vulnerable, so that's why the unobtainable thing went out the window and she became so attached, resulting in guy neglecting/ignoring her (causing hurt over long periods of time).
4. Break up: after feeling that vulnerable and now being neglected by guy who previously said sweet, caring things, (to a girl that = she is not worth your time), girl is probably quite thoroughly, emotionally, beat up, and realizes she'd better call it quits (for the sake of her sanity)
5. Ran into girl again, she says "not to move on "for now" and she wanted me to call her 2 times a week. she hugged me and we went out seperate ways"
Ok, the dont move on "for now", she still likes you but is gun shy after being that emotionally beaten, she wants to be with you but can't take the jump back into the same situation, which is why she told you to call her "2 times a week". She needs proof that you are invested in this and she won't be ignored again.
-Frankly, for her to only be asking you to call her 2 times a week, I would guess she was VERY neglected... I would have asked for more.

6. "She hasnt contacted me at all. Oh I saw her once at a store, she was pretty cold." Well, no, she hasn't contacted you.... that's what she was sick of, her having to chase you down for contact, while you don't call her (which, to her, is a sign that you are not interested/don't care about her enough to even spend the length of a phone call with her). That's a pretty big rejection, so yeah, when you saw her again, you can bet your boots she was "cold"... she was probably waiting and hoping for your call, initially, and by putting herself out there (asking for the call) and then being ignored (to a girl that says you don't care about her at all, she's not worth your time), she allowed you to give her one final kick in the ass, breaking her heart one last time.

WHERE YOU ARE NOW:
Ok, if she is in a happy relationship, you are pretty much done for. By the time that relationship ends, probably too much time will have passed for her to still be loving and forgiving to you. Too much time for her to dwell on the bad, and then move on. 'Probably'.

IF she is single, you 'might' have one last chance if you tackle this IMMEDIATELY, I don't mean later tonight or tomorrow, I mean start typing when you are done reading this.
EITHER:
A) Tell her everything you did wrong, why you didn't call twice a week, that you were wrong, that you understand you hurt her, and WHAT YOU PLAN TO DO TO FIX IT. Like, an actual specific plan. Not "Call more", say Call on these days at these times, or call 3 times a week, and fix whatever else, or whatever. (She gave you specific instructions "2 times a week", this is a girl who likes to know what is going on, specifically, and dislikes being strung along or leaving things to chance) BE SPECIFIC IN YOUR PLAN.
-Guys complain that girls are too complicated, you seem to have a nice, straight forward one who gives clear instructions, and you still didn't follow them. "Call her 2 times a week." Simple, easy. No room for error or misenterpretation. Of course, more time has passed and more hurt feelings, so dont settle for 2 times a week (as that is the minimum), call 3 times to show you are taking initiative.
DOWNSIDE: You are giving your power away, and leaving yourself vulnerable, and it might work or it might not. BUT that is how she fell for you in the first place, isn't it? Because you were the stereotypical 'nice' or 'sensitive' guy, saying all sorts of nice things, taking an interest in her/calling her, putting your heart on the line.

OR
B) Just call her and tell her you are sorry for neglecting her, and that you really want to stay in touch with her, even just as friends. THEN START CALLING A FEW TIMES A WEEK. If not too much time has passed, you might be able to win her back by fixing what she obviously asked you to fix, without her asking again. By just doing it anyway.

If it were me, I would pick "A"... (All or nothing, right? Want her back, or not?), but it'll hurt if it doesn't work.

BEFORE you look into all this, ask yourself one thing - if she starts getting too attached to you again (it WILL happen, if things are working in your relationship. It happened before), will you be ok with that? Or will it be too clingy and cause you to call her less? (No point in going down the same road, twice).

My thoughts, anyway.... god I talk too much!
Goodluck, and don't break her heart twice...!

Gibbly
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