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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Is living at home with parents such a turn off for dating someone?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 103
Is living at home with parents such a turn off for dating someone?Page 20 of 20    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20)
By the third date he got more comfortable and decided to be honest ... He had moved into his parents' basement, years before, because he decided that earning a living was not that important. He explained how he was on a "higher plane" in his spiritual life...and money wasn't important to him ... He met another lady from here....moved in with her, they got engaged .... She recently punted him to the curb....and he moved back into that basement with his parents.

This is the reason why it's pathetic for a past-college-age guy to stammer his feet and whine that he should be dateable while living at his parents'. I mean, seriously -- if you can't move out of your parent's house with relative ease, why are you even out on the dating market?

One can play the "well, I'm helping my folks out" card, which may be true. But if he's out on the dating prowl, don't buy it. It's more believable if by happenstance you run into him and his story isn't to impress, but even then -- take a rain check on actually dating.

The ones who whine and cry about it need to understand something -- the world doesn't revolve around you. Analogy: You COULD be someone who's in Nigeria with an actual great deal to make someone money -- but don't expect people to believe you if for some crazy reason it was the truth. Look around you! 99 out of 100 people who say the same thing are full of (bleep) or just loserin' it. Are there exceptions? Yes. But what even remote obligation does anyone have to believe you, IF .... IF you happen to be in that spot? If it's temporary, fine -- then temporarily don't expect anything and think you should be seen by strangers who don't know you from Adam as "so different"! :)

In other words, you can't be active out on the dating market with any expectations when you're in a situation that is not dateable. No, you're not going to get your pony. Get yourself straightened out before expecting anything when you're significantly past college age and dealing with gals past college age. Good economy, bad economy, you can still make it out on your own with enough time. And until then, don't expect -strangers- to assume you're the exception. That's as sad as the classic story about someone pining over their ex and how they can get them back "... but this is different ...". No... no it's not. :)
 RobertKoi
Joined: 11/9/2008
Msg: 104
Is living at home with parents such a turn off for dating someone?
Posted: 8/29/2010 8:22:40 AM
Well, seen from a more humanistic perspective it is my opinion that if a guy (or woman) is living with his/her parents and there's a wish to actually have a sexlife for instance, that one's living and financial situation shouldn't come in between and ruin all prospects for that to happen, AND to find true love. Since there obviously ARE a lot of people out there trying to change their lives and for one reason or another it simply isn't happening over night, I wouldn't condemn them all to life in celibacy and loneliness. However, understanding comes into the picture anyway no matter who or what you are. A gold digger for example, couldn't care less about personality and chooses to live off an a$$hole rather than to be loved by him (if he's even capable of it). The flipside of the coin is obviously the opposite who values personality over everything else. It's not WRONG to expect things from either side, be it the guy who's living with his parents or the woman who becomes interested in him.
 RobertKoi
Joined: 11/9/2008
Msg: 105
Is living at home with parents such a turn off for dating someone?
Posted: 8/31/2010 7:30:03 AM
And besides, who would want to live with his/her parents without a good reason? To call everyone lazy, immature, irresponsible, etc. etc., is indeed ridiculous. It takes some thinking outside of the box here and a lot people fail to do that.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 106
Is living at home with parents such a turn off for dating someone?
Posted: 8/31/2010 10:00:20 AM
One of my exes (when I was much younger)'s "good reason" was: why should he? He didn't have to do laundry, cook, pay rent, or do much else. His mother worshipped him as the youngest boy. Granted he made good money, but just felt it was better spent partying. He and a few friends of his had a bragfest about how they were going to live at home as long as they could. lol
 RobertKoi
Joined: 11/9/2008
Msg: 107
Is living at home with parents such a turn off for dating someone?
Posted: 8/31/2010 1:43:51 PM
"One of my exes (when I was much younger)'s "good reason" was: why should he? He didn't have to do laundry, cook, pay rent, or do much else. His mother worshipped him as the youngest boy. Granted he made good money, but just felt it was better spent partying. He and a few friends of his had a bragfest about how they were going to live at home as long as they could. lol"
---------------
Does this "he" represent everybody else? :) All I'm saying is that people who can't think outside of the box will always see what they want to see. I couldn't care less under which roof somebody sleeps during the nights if I'm interested.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 108
Is living at home with parents such a turn off for dating someone?
Posted: 8/31/2010 8:58:52 PM

I'm saying is that people who can't think outside of the box will always see what they want to see. I couldn't care less under which roof somebody sleeps during the nights if I'm interested.

Well, you would care that it's their "ex"'s, or a guy they're breaking up with... or with 4 dope-heads, etc. But with that aside...

... there's a difference between saying that everyone who lives at their parents' house is a loser vs I don't want to date someone who's living at their parents house (over 25).

Someone can say "someone currently living with their ex is in love with them and there's zero possibility of anything ever working out, and they're lying to you or themselves" ... or "There's a BIG chance there's something going on and it can't work out. They can be really cool, but just bad timing. I just don't go in that direction for dating..."
 RobertKoi
Joined: 11/9/2008
Msg: 109
Is living at home with parents such a turn off for dating someone?
Posted: 9/1/2010 6:55:23 AM
"Well, you would care that it's their "ex"'s, or a guy they're breaking up with... or with 4 dope-heads, etc. But with that aside..."
--------------
Yes, in that case I WOULD care. But like I said - "if I'm interested."

"... there's a difference between saying that everyone who lives at their parents' house is a loser vs I don't want to date someone who's living at their parents house (over 25)."
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I agree. Where somebody chooses to draw the line is up to him/her. Personally I don't see a magical age limit though - depending on the circumstances perhaps. However, that goes with all the other "lines" as well, e.g., how much money one has to make, etc. etc. If somebody would bring that up to my face I'd kick her out.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 110
Is living at home with parents such a turn off for dating someone?
Posted: 9/1/2010 1:27:59 PM
Does this "he" represent everybody else? :) All I'm saying is that people who can't think outside of the box will always see what they want to see. I couldn't care less under which roof somebody sleeps during the nights if I'm interested.

Did I SAY he represented everyone else? Cause if I did - then YEAH I meant that. Since I have no problem saying what I mean - if you don't see it, it's not my point. I said he was an ex, so I dated him. What's your issue?

I've said plenty of times I would date a guy who lived at home under certain conditions - I don't want to have to deal with his family to see him, he's not hanging out at my place to get his space, and he doesn't think by default my place is where we're going to spend most of our time.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 111
view profile
History
Is living at home with parents such a turn off for dating someone?
Posted: 9/2/2010 7:59:35 AM
Most of the requirements we set are meaningless in the grand scheme of things; nothing more than roadblocks we've created, and yet we question why we're not getting to where we want to be...
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 112
Is living at home with parents such a turn off for dating someone?
Posted: 9/2/2010 12:18:35 PM

Personally I don't see a magical age limit though - depending on the circumstances perhaps.

Well, I think age does have something to do with it, in terms of the higher chances of it pointing to someone who doesn't "have things going for themselves". Someone who's 19 vs someone who's 29.

However, that goes with all the other "lines" as well, e.g., how much money one has to make, etc. etc. If somebody would bring that up to my face I'd kick her out.

Well, yeah, how much money one has to make is a very reasonable issue. Without enough money, one can hardly sustain themselves, much less a relationship. So at least SOME amount of money would be a "bar". Some people can be uppity or even gold-diggerish about it, sure.

But wanting someone financially independent? That's not asking a whole lot, as far as dating's concerned. And someone COULD be that way, despite living at their parents', but nobody has any obligation whatsoever to someone to find out if they are or not, for real.

It's a lot like someone who's separated, but still living with their ex. COULD it be okay? Yeah, technically, I guess. Am I going to even consider going down genuine-dating alley with that gal and end up finding out which way or another? No. Should I be obligated to if she likes me? No.

Same thing for a guy living at his parents at 29. He COULD be alright -- but there's enough risks of mismatch that's under the radar, why get involved in something that has a high risk in radar, if one's looking for someone with some ambition to be financially independent on their own?
 RobertKoi
Joined: 11/9/2008
Msg: 113
Is living at home with parents such a turn off for dating someone?
Posted: 9/2/2010 1:27:21 PM
CR: this discussion is going in circles and there's just no end. No one has the final word or truth anyway. What matters to you doesn't necessarily matter to someone else. It's as simple as that. There's no logic whatsoever to speak of in topics like this one. If you go to another country where families are closer to each other it's a completely different world. What would make you more right than them... Exactly - nothing. People are brainwashed and it's become normal almost to kick your kid out at 18 only because he/she has reached legal age. It's ridiculous. And that's also part of the reason why I said that there's no "magical" age limit. Again, it depends on the circumstances. The funny thing is, I'm not in that situation myself and yet I have full understanding that the world's not in black and white.

Few people can honestly stand up and say that they, only they, made it on their own without any help from their parents, relatives or friends. How many have gone back and begged for money, help with the car, the bills or whatever? Let's see some "hands". I'll take a guess... I know several people including women who I've dated, had a relationship with, etc., and MANY of them had received SOME sort of help from their parents. And why not? Isn't that quite normal? Would it be better if they'd got no help at all only because they're too old or don't seem independent enough? Some receive so much help that they might just as well live under their parent's roof. But hey, it doesn't look good, does it? *laugh*

As I said before - a lot of people cannot, or will not, think outside of the box the minute it becomes a little bit more complicated and not "crystal clear," fancy, sweet and shiny - where someone's life shines on the surface and he, or she, fulfills all "requirements" and is still single and complains about why no one wants them.

Live and let live.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 114
Is living at home with parents such a turn off for dating someone?
Posted: 9/2/2010 2:31:08 PM
What matters to you doesn't necessarily matter to someone else. It's as simple as that.

Actually, I disagree, it's not like that. I'm talking outside of myself and observing how people are, and in consideration of things that break relationships or prevent them in a feasible way and how the natural/common human condition is. It's about what tends to matter to people in generally, normally. That's actually the issue.

It isn't pure opinion (although everyone will inject their own in it), but the logic behind it is whether there's validity behind the % chance of someone "not having much for themselves" at the time of living with their parents, and also considering the % chance that they're lying/exaggerating about how they're doing.

It is a taste issue as to what one desires, sure. But we all know that most gals do not desire a guy who relies or nearly relies on their parents for a place to live, well past initial adulthood. That's what I'm pointing out. You can not like that natural thing... but yes, there are a few gals out there I'm sure who are middle-aged who don't care if a guy has little money and relying on his parents... and even fewer who would go so far as to date a hobo, too.

The question is -- is it a turn-off? Yes. Should it be a turn-off? Well, if someone is turned off by someone who very potentially can't make it on their own -- yes. Okay... should we then -expect- most of the female population be turned off by that notion, just as (not to the same degree) we should -expect- most females to be turned off by guys with missing teeth and the worst haircut in the world? Yes.

Most gals don't like a guy who can't make it on his own.

How many have gone back and begged for money, help with the car, the bills or whatever?

Getting a bit of help is different than it being the Way Of Life. If they need a -stream- of money from their parents because they can't on their own -- that's different than once in a while needing help. Just because one has a car that has broken down before (show of hands), doesn't mean they don't have a functional car. If someone is living at their parents' out of need -- they aren't just asking for help, they're being SUPPORTED at least to a notable degree. They're not making it on their own. But being supported by one's folks to some degree can be a good option as opposed to living out of a dumpster out of pride, of course.

But don't expect in EITHER situation to be a sufficient commodity in the dating market -- that is a fact -- a fact that some are upset about. And others are upset because they expect gals to be obligated to get to know them for a while to find out if they can support themselves just fine, but just happen to be at their parents'.
 RobertKoi
Joined: 11/9/2008
Msg: 115
Is living at home with parents such a turn off for dating someone?
Posted: 9/2/2010 3:02:19 PM
CR: of course you disagree because again, this discussion goes in circles. If I wanted to I could disagree with every post you make and there's nothing you could do about it, right? It is extremely rare that someone talks outside of himself without there being quite a lot of opinion and value. And what people are you talking about and for? All those in Japan, South America, India, Italy to just name a few countries where families are closer than in USA? Or are you talking about a few cases in the neighbourhood? So yeah, what matters to A doesn't necessarily matter to B and thank God for that.

Also notice that I'm not talking about a situation where somebody's living from trashcans, showers once every month (or Christmas) and has absolutely zero going for him both in brains, money and life in general. This thread is about a guy, or chick, who's living under the parent's roof for a reason - and that REASON is what I'm trying to get across here, i.e., to actually bother to find out - to see outside of the box instead of through a straw. I don't care about the percentage, i.e., how big his or her chances are to find a date in the first place. Quite frankly I couldn't care less. However, what I DO care about is prejudice and I say that without being in those "shoes" myself.

I'd bet anything that you're one of those people who have INDEED gone back and asked for help, maybe even lived with your parents AFTER moving out. That automatically changes everything. It means that (since we don't care about exceptions here, right?) you've not been independent every day since you first moved out. As for those people who are right now, as I'm typing these lines, living at home, what's the difference? Age? Does it matter that much? There's nothing wrong to move back in if there's a reason.

The only thing I can agree with is that yes, if we're talking about a worthless chick who's looking $ signs in people's eyes and one who doesn't give shyte about reasons, etc., then a guy wouldn't stand a chance even if he'd hold his head under his arm as to prove why he's living with his parents. But if you take somebody who can see the forest and not only the trees, then he (or she) WOULD stand a chance.
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