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 kari135
Joined: 9/1/2009
Msg: 157
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Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?Page 10 of 17    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17)
I was with my husband for just over 21 years, and he died 2 years ago tomorrow. I still wear my ring, but on my right hand. For me, it doesn't symbolize our marriage, but over 2 decades of friendship, which is what I want to remember, and what he'd want me to remember. But I also know he'd want to get on with living life as much as possible.
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 166
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Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 11/26/2009 9:36:53 AM
even when i was married, i always got the "correct" ring finger mixed up in my second marriage , let alone which went on first? the engagement ring we bought "after" we were married or the wedding ring? i found myself always moving them around from hand to hand and reversing the order! as for my first marriage, we didn't believe in rings, so it's a mute question. back in the 60's, they symbolized property ownership moreso than love in my crowd!

i am now back dating the same widower i stopped seeing a while ago, because i felt he was not ready. he wears the ring, altough for the life of me, i'm not sure on which hand. i think i will check that out!

for me, it was the pic looking over the bed. her nightgown hanging in the bathroom. her hat is still on the kitchen table chair. just the other day, we had a game nite at his place and the guys were moving it all around and even trying it on. they didn't realize it was hers and he said nothing.

however, he has shared both the good and the bad, as have i, of past relationships. i'ts clear to me that he really cares, as he has always been there for me as a friend in some of the most dire times. i also know he feels a strong attraction. slowly i am seeing more of "him" in his living space. it didn't bother me the other day when he served me tea in "her" cup. he suddenly realized what he did and offered to change it. i said it was okay. but, i DO NOT sit in her special chair. i've made my own special chair.

my ex SO (before the widower) has also been there for me a lot lately. he never felt about me the way the widower does and he made that very clear over time. but, he too is proving to be a good friend. my widower has met him and showed concern about him being alone. asked me if i wanted to ask him for our group T'giving. i had wanted to do that, but didn't want to cause concern. the fact he showed that concern for my ex SO, because he was helping me out with stuff, made it a bit easier to tolerate her cup! plus, i was worried about my ex SO spending it alone. but, he had something going on already.

it's a process and a reciprocal process at that. it's a lot easier when it's mutual. however, there is no way i can make love to a man with his ex wife's pic smiling down at me. i also need to see signs of an emerging individual life. plus, we talk about it all. that is very essential to have honesty.

my friend has put all her deceased husband's things away and is now dating. for her, it was too painful to have all his stuff around. she does keep a hidden driver's license in her desk drawer and does say goodnite to him that way with a kiss. she knows he would want her to be happy. i plan to see if she is wearing her ring and also to ask her how/where she plans to be buried (issue raised above), as this current beau of hers was never legally married to his ex SO. knowing her, she's donated her body to science. mine will be ashes strewn in my creek after i donate myself to lymes disease research.

all these difficult "daily living" questions! i guess the question is does s/he open up to you as the new person in his/her life? do they really care for you and does s/he have the "hots" for you. in my younger years, also dated a couple of widowers and they had serious sexual cravings, but in no way were either ready for a "relationship", let alone any commitment. one become a real man-whore, yet his house and kids had the illusion of what was "before". the kids must have sensed it all. the other primarly wanted to dump his kids on me. frankly, i would have kept them and i was the one who helped them deal with their mother's passing. however, i have no memory of where they wore their bands. something is missing in my priorities, i guess. or too much time spent listening to their stories and where their heads are at!

when it comes to the time, when the new person's needs are listened to, respected and heeded--that is when there is some "hope" for the non widow, as well as her widower and his continuing life. for me, it's fine about the old ring as long as it doesn't negate the possibility of a new one. but, that is another process. one day at a time.....
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 167
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Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 11/30/2009 10:38:21 PM
aha, you all were right. he wears it on the right hand. so, i guess there's hope for us?!*
 CoolOldBroad
Joined: 8/9/2007
Msg: 169
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Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 12/5/2009 8:35:00 PM
Whatever my situation in life, if I am able, I will be wearing solely an obvious toe ring.....aging hippies, rejoice! Wedding rings are like the wedding contract -- something ephemeral and in this day and age, things to be "tweaked" to our desires. Not for moi.
 You go first
Joined: 5/1/2008
Msg: 171
Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 1/3/2010 10:27:00 PM
Married almost 25 years, I kept mine on for 2 years as that was the timeline I gave myself before I would even consider dating.

I put the original wedding set into safe deposit and bought myself my 25 year anniversary band that I wear on my right hand. When you're ready, you'll know.
 Exotigal
Joined: 8/7/2009
Msg: 179
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Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 3/12/2010 8:39:04 AM
I can answer this questions as an adult child. My mother passed away 19 years ago, my daughter was 4 months old. My dad, is still living a vibrant life and yes he still wears his wedding ring. Keep it on. It must give you a sense of calm in this crazy world.
 StevieCashmere
Joined: 4/22/2009
Msg: 183
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Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 3/14/2010 9:14:26 AM
pople can't understand the relationship that existed that allowed the living partner to keepy their wedding ring on
but if they are going to meet somone the should consider taking it off, as it has the same affect as halitosis

~sc~
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 190
Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 3/15/2010 11:00:30 AM
I, personally, think that fear of rings is pretty sad. The relationship that widowed me had no rings involved, but his picture still sits next to my computer, and my current love is in no way shaken or upset that that is so. I *would* say that if anyone were still wearing their ring/rings on the wedding ring finger that it's likely they are not ready yet. On a chain around their neck? On their right hand? Remodeled into another piece of jewelery? Just a personal preference.

A couple of years ago, when I was still looking, I certainly ran into a fair amount of fellas that seemed threatened by the mere fact that he had ever existed in my life, and claimed that they couldn't compete. I wanted to say (but never did, lol!) "What don't you understand about D E A D? He's gone, he won't be back." Since every love I've ever had lives in my heart, this is no different. He's there, they are there: they shaped the person I am; if you like that person, say Thank You! And let's move on.

 Sboro
Joined: 9/22/2008
Msg: 191
Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 3/15/2010 11:06:50 AM
I lost my husband 3 years ago this month and it has been a very difficult time. I was married to my best friend for 23 years and I removed my wedding band just a few months ago, but I am wearing my husband wedding band on my thumb. I think everyone is different and you don't have to remove it until you are ready. Removing the ring doesn't change how you feel, he will always live in your heart.
 lostsoullooking
Joined: 7/3/2009
Msg: 199
Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 3/15/2010 11:14:29 PM
From Mon Cherie
I have dated a widower who wore his wedding ring (first on his left hand and then on his right hand) and to me it represented that he was not ready to move on. I definitely was never threatened by the ring nor the spouse that was passed on. I simply was not prepared to give my heart to someone who was in love with someone else (even one who is not on this earth anymore) and who was clearly unable to give me his heart in return because he had not let go of her. He is a great guy but at the time he was not emotionally available to be in a relationship with anyone new because he was not over the last relationship.


Mon Cherie do you really believe that a wedding ring on any finger indicates that a person is not ready to love someone else? Or was that the item you focused on once you realized that he was not ready?

Let me say that good marriages are NOT perfect marriages. We’ve all have had our ups and downs but at the end of the day we were in the plus column.

Like it has been said before the departed spouse will always be present in their partner’s heart. But have no fear because the heart has an infinite capacity for love and will make room for a new love.

Personally I would feel honored to be offered a place in that heart because the offer is only extended to people they love. And who doesn’t want to be loved.

I carry both our wedding rings with me at all times to remind me how lucky I was to have shared 25 years with Colleen. When I find the woman for the second half of the journey the rings will be put away because I’ll be with the woman who is making me feel lucky to be with her and we will have our rings and love to join us together.

lsl
 lostsoullooking
Joined: 7/3/2009
Msg: 203
Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 3/16/2010 1:07:01 PM


Rather than assume wearing a ring means a person is not ready to move forward, open your ears and listen.... open your eyes and observe.... reach out your hand and touch.... kiss their lips and taste... breathe in through your nose and smell their scent...

What you hear, what you see, what you taste, what you smell and what you feel ...all the information you gather with your senses is going to tell you either this person has moved on with life, or this person has not moved on with life. You could come to this conclusion with or without a band of gold.


WidowInLoveAgain you said it so eloquently.

lsl
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 241
Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 3/29/2010 2:05:22 PM
Smileforg ~~ You are just as cute as a bug's ear you know? But the deal is, no matter how grown up you are, there are simply things that are going to be on your plate that are unimaginable to you now. And that you insist that you know how you'll handle them, feel about them, and act -- well, that is truly a dead giveaway to the fact that you *aren't* grownup.

You are on your honeymoon ~~ enjoy it! No need to posit how well you're going to handle your widowhood just yet. Plenty of peeps are widowed because their mate in their twenties or thirties dies -- so your Dear Hubby could well be the one dealing with the widowhood you are so relishing the thought of. Mug's game, Sweetie: we don't get to see, and it's a total waste of breath and good gray matter to worry and/or plan, or predict how it's going to be.

My own hands are ringless most of the time. Sometimes I wear the gold dolphin on my right hand, but only because it's a gorgeous piece of jewelry. And I love dolphins. Seeing them at Sea World was one of the very last things we did together. . . .

 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 274
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Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 4/22/2010 2:14:03 PM
I took mine off at the one year mark, replaced it with Black Onyx ring that I also discovered was an alternative birth stone ring. Now, it is another ring. Time heals, it really does.

Here's what I disliked, still do to some extent. Wearing a jacket that I am still mourning the death of my wife. I did, I have moved on. I mourned, and at times I miss her. But, I know I could never replace her with anyone, we are all different. I have never thought to "replace" my wife..that can never happen.

I am raising my deceased daughters youngest girl. And, we speak of Momma and Nanna frequently. She was only 2 1/2 when Momma passed away (reaction to a prescription medication), and Nanna and she were very very close. I feel the need to have her know her mother, since her daddy got remarried shortly after the death, and that resulted in verbal and mental abuse to her (they are divorced now, and both live with me, but I do the rearing now). She was so messed up, that she was kept back in Kindergarten. Now..after moving in with me, and living here for 17 months, she is a happy, loving, High Honor Roll First Grader! You go girl!!!
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 276
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Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 4/22/2010 2:36:00 PM
I have my faults..since I am human too.

I am not in a hurry, I wasn't before and I had great luck. I figure it may work again, who knows?

But, I do like to comment once in a while on the widow/widower thing. I feel there is a stigma attached to that..and we are regular folks just like anyone else.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 278
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Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 4/29/2010 8:06:27 PM
"many (not all) widow/widowers are not ready for a long term relationship with a new person until 2 or 3 years after the death of their partner"

Makes no difference whether widowed or divorced, break up need to be grieved.
 lostsoullooking
Joined: 7/3/2009
Msg: 279
Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/8/2010 11:44:22 PM

Msg 360
"many (not all) widow/widowers are not ready for a long term relationship with a new person until 2 or 3 years after the death of their partner"

Makes no difference whether widowed or divorced, break up need to be grieved.


First off this comment appears to be off the topic which is Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?

But I could not let it stand unchallenged.

Yes there will be a period of grieving and mourning if a person is widowed or divorced. To try and put a timeline to it is, as Spock would say, “is irrational”.

There as some who will be ready within a few months, some will be ready within the year, some will be ready within two years, some will be ready within five years, and then there are those who will never be able to fully give themselves over to a new relation.

Telling a widowed or divorced person that they wouldn’t be ready for a LTR for two to three years sends the wrong message. And leads to comments like “you should be over it by now”. The only thing a statement like that does is put a guilt trip on a person who needs our help and understanding.

The only way a widowed or divorced person will know is when they feel strong enough to stick their toes back into the fish pond. It may take them several tries before they are ready to totally submerge their bodies in the pond.

There are some who will say they should sit on the sidelines until they are ready. How will they know if they are just sitting there waiting for some external sign that they are ready? Being alone on the side lines for long periods of time works against a widowed or divorced person to re-integrate into society.

lsl
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 280
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Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/9/2010 10:31:32 AM
"Telling a widowed or divorced person that they wouldn’t be ready for a LTR for two to three years sends the wrong message."

Off topic? If a person still would be uncomfortable taking their wedding ring off, that tells me they need more time to grieve.

Wish more people had drilled into me that grieving needs to be finished before people can move on.

"How will they know if they are just sitting there waiting for some external sign that they are ready? Being alone on the side lines for long periods of time works against a widowed or divorced person to re-integrate into society."

I disagree. Too many people hurt themselves over and over again (and others too) by jumping in to dating/relationships before they are ready.


"Being alone on the side lines for long periods of time works against a widowed or divorced person to re-integrate into society."

Does this mean that single people, widowed people, divorced people aren't part of society? Does this mean that people to choose to remain single aren't part of society?
 lostsoullooking
Joined: 7/3/2009
Msg: 285
Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/11/2010 11:31:28 AM
^^^^ And if I met a widow who still had their wedding ring on the left hand, I would get the impression she was not 'ready' for any relationship to go beyond friendship. But if it was on the right hand, I would only see a nice piece of jewelry.

lsl
 wkmooreh
Joined: 12/10/2009
Msg: 290
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Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 9/17/2010 4:30:18 PM
I moved mine to the other hand after 2 yrs then stopped wearing it after 3 yrs, but it doenst seem to matter, men have such a hard time dealing with widows. I take it as a point of pride, that I am single becuase of a failed marriage, but because I lost someone, but that seems to be wrong. Men seem like they are competing with my husband. HOW...he is gone.. I will always love my husband, but I am not IN love with my husband. BIG Difference. Why cant they see that??? I have recently changed my status from widow to single, becuase of the stigma..
Its sad, I thought men would want a women who had been in a long standing relationship and one that didnt end because of issues.. Guess I was wrong.
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 299
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Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 12/16/2010 9:51:53 AM
There are no set rules.

I wore mine for about a year, then because it felt strange not wearing any ring on that finger, I replaced it with a Black Onyx ring. and later replaced that with an older ring I found which my late wife had given to me as a present. I forgot I had it. I now wear that.

You'll decide, and it will be right for you.
 leonnevarc
Joined: 6/28/2010
Msg: 305
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Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 6/22/2011 2:30:46 PM
i now wear mine on right hand it has been 4 years it feels right
 maryb1956
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 306
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Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 6/22/2011 7:30:03 PM
i started dating after a year. took my rings after 3 years. only because i found it uncomfortable for my partner at the time. it was time to really say goodbye to my late husband. and start a new life.
 whidbeygal
Joined: 6/15/2011
Msg: 309
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Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 6/23/2011 11:20:08 PM
It is a matter of choice. I wear mine on my right hand, Nothing wrong with still wearing your wedding ring on either hand in my opinion. BTW, I have been widowed for 9 years.
 ClaireChristine
Joined: 8/16/2011
Msg: 325
Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 8/22/2011 10:42:21 PM
7 months is not very long and I would suggest possibly that you are not really ready to date. THe ring can be worn on another hand or finger or possibly around your neck if you feel it is detrimental to dating.
 WesternRose
Joined: 1/2/2011
Msg: 326
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Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 8/24/2011 7:57:41 PM
In month seven I was so confused that I could not have possibly even thought about spending my time with someone else. At that point I remember being angry with God, my husband, and the entire world in general. Friends and family spoke to me of the change they noticed in my attitude. The once very loving person became a lady with a definate bite.
I did not take my rings off until the beginning of last year. Having gone through much self examination, grief counseling, reading a lot of material on the subject I knew I was ready to do so. I do not believe that one should hold onto the past. Wearing your wedding rings when you are dating is a no no in my book. It says that you have not let go of the past. My engagement ring has been put away for my daughter. My wedding ring will be put on my finger when I am buried beside my husband in our plot. My husband was buried with his.
This is where I am in my life. Yes, I do want to share it with someone special but I am not marriage minded. I may be just a tad too independent for that at this juncture in my life. I can tell you this. It does get better.
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