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 AUTHOR
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 80
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Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?Page 2 of 17    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17)
7 months is a very short period of time. i hope you have joined a bereavement group or a singles group that is getting prepared to enter a dating world, for a variety of reasons be it death or divorce or some other unforseen situation. many bereavement groups can be filled with older people who are not looking to date/mate again, so it will depend on your area as to what group offers you not only solace, but some hope and social contact in the meanwhile.

there are many options and you do what you feel you need to do. one option not mentioned is to get a long thin necklace chain and wear the rings close to your heart while you accompany, in your mind, his journey to settling into his "new place". kind of a soul connection. if/when you are ready to move on, you can take the rings off--or just continue to wear them. many people wear lockets with pictures of loved ones or pieces of jewelry that they have inherited from parents and grandparents. so, why not a wedding ring, worn in this manner?

i myself get confused with the right hand/left hand issue. although i suppose i'd ask if someone approached me, i would just assume that a wedding ring on any finger means the person is married still. keeping it close to my heart would be more of a personal matter between me and my deceased. it would not necessarily show and in due time, i could explain my loss to someone who might prove to be another ltr.
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 81
Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/19/2008 2:15:55 PM
navy,
All I can say is good for you,, don't date widowers then.. ,, I see your point,, you are the type of person Who "FEELS" a "NEED" to "COMPETE",, I won't repeat everything I have said it this forum,, but you should read my posts again,, It's not about a materials possessions,, it's whats in a widowers heart..


You will never know what it is like to compete with the dead, because you are a widower.

There is half truth in that statement, your right,, I will never know what it feels like to compete,, because I will never be in competition with someone alive or deceased,, it's not about who wins,, It might be about me for just moment, "am I good enough"..
Then it would be about, what the other person thinks of me,, and if in their eyes I'm not good enough for them,, hey I'm Ok with that.. I have nothing to prove,,

I'm not looking to take the place of someone else through competition, nor would I want to. If though I made the other persons memories fade,, (but not forgotten), because of the person I am,, then guess what,, I might be their new man/Lover in their life,, because of good moments and memories we are sharing together..

However,, this is where you statement is wrong, You suggest because I'm a widower, I wouldn't know what it is like to date a widower,, That is where you are wrong I have dated widowed woman,, "That was some assumption by the way" I have/had no issues with it at all,, mainly because I have an understanding of her pain and suffering,, I also know what it means for her to talk about her love who passed away,, I say,, I am happy that woman loved,, and sorry she lost that love to death,,
I would also know through talking with her,, what a relationship and love means, at-least in her eyes..
For me,, to want to take her love/memories away,, I would never be so insensitive and insecure with who I am, to ever want too..

I won't even comment on the rest of what you wrote,, because phoebe said this and I agree,, just change woman to man

I WILL speak for myself. As a self- confident woman, I don't feel threatened because a man has an ex-wife, ex-girlfriend or a deceased spouse. Neither do I feel threatened, if a man wants to discuss or relate his experiences in his previous relationship/s. Because it helps me understand what has brought him to this point in his life.
I do not need to be the center of attention. I've learned that the " giving and receiving of attention" by BOTH partners will result in a successful relationship.

If a widow or widower are still wearing their wedding band, I'll wager that when they meet a special person, someone they want to go forward in life with, they will either move or remove their ring.


This is an open forum,, I think though,, it's about how long we should wear our rings, Not whether you are going to date us,, so I ask you,, why are you here, trying to suggest, widowers have issues,, when you your self will not date us,, so move on to another forum,,
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 84
Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/19/2008 7:56:08 PM
mom cherie
This question was OP question..,,

Are there any widows/widowers that still wore their wedding bands
after their spouse passed and if you did, for how long?
I seem to have a hard time taking mine off but it has only been
7 months

I don't think anywhere in that question it's asked would you or would you not date a widower..

I do agree Navy has a right to her opinion, then again so do I,, and If I don't agree,, I have my right to say what I think as well,, and if I think or feel they are heartless or uncaring, even self centered, by her making such outrageous statement I will say something.. and in my opinion, she is an *ss... Yes I do have a right to take it personality...

I think you are being harsh on her. She may not have said it eliquently


I have to ask you then,, how could a comment like this have been said elegantly when she speaks the truth in her own mind... also how can she use the words
"a lot widowers",, when she only was involved with one widower..But I think she is selfish and only thinks of her self,, just by remakes she makes..like this one below..


but a lot of widowers make their deceases spouses into some kind of saint ( although talking to their kids I found that not to be the case) they don't want to remember the bad times (its disrespectful in their eyes). So, how do you compete with a ghost? You can't. At least with a living ,breathing ex. you can point out all the person's faults without getting clobbered with "I don't want to speak ill of the dead" OFten times giving them more respect dead than they ever deserved alive. If a widower can't put his ring away. THen there is no room for you. Because he can't give up the dead.



As far as calling someone their late spouse. I see nothing wrong with that. What do you call them once you remarry because then you have a current spouse?


That answer is easy,, I have a brother who passed away,, I don't call him my late brother, nor do my friends,, they call him Raymond,, we all Know he is dead,, so why add a title before his name.. As for My wife who passed away,, my friends talk of her as Penny,, and my dates talk of her as Penny as well,, we all know she has passed away,, therefore why add a title before her name.. lets add a twist, if you haven't thought about this,, But I'll use me as an example,,

If and when I meet someone and I get serious,, the woman I'm involved with, should be able and comfortable calling my late wife "Penny",,, ,, I have a little boy,, and Penny will not be referred to as my late spouse,, but rather, My sons Mom who is in heaven and her name is Penny, so any conversations about her will be directed that way..

I do agree with on this,, It doesn't matter if your divorced, widowed or just single getting out of a relationship.. in all those situation , people need time to heal..
I will also say, in some cases a person my think they are ready and able to move on,, yet are not.. But not all,, in the same token, if someone were to get involved with anyone who hasn't moved through that healing process,, it's important for the other person to recognize those signs like you did,, It's to bad you couldn't see those signs before the 6 mo.. clearly evident by what you said.. It's nice to hear you didn't bash this guy or all widowers just because of one experience,,
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 86
Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/19/2008 9:24:11 PM

That is good, to call her Penny and your son's Mom. That works in some situations, I suppose. What about when you are making small talk with other people when with a current spouse? Just curious so I know how to handle these sorts of things in social situations. Learning here.

Nothing I tell you will work, if you feel you are in competition.. or if you feel like your second best,, if those feeling don't exist in you,,
Then view it this way,,through this story

I went to a snowmobile party in Feb, At this party were friends of mine for over 30+ years, I introduced Penny to my same friends over 20 yrs ago..She went to most of these parties in the past. All of my friends talk of Penny as if she has never left this earth,, even though they are well aware she is dead. They talk as if she just couldn't make this party,,Two of those friends, were in our wedding,, matter of fact every guy that was in my wedding carried her casket..

How do we/I handle this with a date or a new significant other.. well at this party,, I had a date,, she was well aware of my past,, and my friends,, I knew dam well Penny's name would come up,, as it always does... My friends open their arms to any woman that they meet, so she feels welcome,, they are sincere,, because they want me to be happy,, as always we all laugh and talk about old times,, my friends like to bust on me,, because we have some funny stories,, and those same stories seem to get told over and over again,, just because new people show up,, it's conversation,, old pictures get passed around,, I guess your wondering how my date felt,, she was laughing in tears, asking questions of my friends about Penny and me,, basically she had a wonderful time,, and didn't feel threatened at all.. my date could see Penny was loved by many,, not just me,, and my friends made my date feel like she was always part of the group.. .... Let me ask you this,, in the situation I just described,, how would you have handled it..???

really though everyone is different,, it's up to you either accept a widowers past, and relive it at times with him or her,, as they will and should do for you as well.. The interesting thing is,, many want us to put away our past and not speak of it.. this is justified by them believing if a widower doesn't speak of his or her loss, or their life before, then they must have forgotten it or gone through it,,
that really is a delusion for the person who is not the widower..because we will never forget.. nor will our friends,,,, yet you can't tell our friends to forget,, nor should we as widowers give up our friends because our possible new partner can't handle our past..
I am not willing to erase my past for someone new,, I am able to put that life behind me,, but still memories exist and conversations will come up..
 navywave
Joined: 1/30/2008
Msg: 87
Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/20/2008 6:40:44 PM
rdcnorm, who died and made you boss of how this forum should be run? And any of my comments were not toward any one individual. And I dated 2 widowers not 1 . A widow,widower, is not able to move on unless they put the ring away for good. Any psychologist will tell you that. ANd yes , I took 2 years of Psych in college. If a living spouse feels they have to still wear their wedding band, then that person will not be able to move on to a new relationship. I have no problem with a widower talking about their dead spouse. WHat I do have a problem with is he is still wearing his ring, pictures all over the house of her and him,her clothes and things still in the closet and sitting on the dresser. WHen a widower has that , he is not ready to move on. Even, the vows as man and wife say. Til death do us part. MEaning in death the contract is broken giving the surviving spouse permission to move on. It is up to him, whether he is ready or not. But any man or woman, that is still wearing a wedding ring, regardless of which hand it is on. Is not ready to accept another mate. Not until he removes the ring for good.
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 88
Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/20/2008 8:35:30 PM
navy,

rdcnorm, who died and made you boss of how this forum should be run? And any of my comments were not toward any one individual

I never claimed I was the boss,, but if you feel I'm in control ,, that would be your issue not mine,, if in your Psychology class, you learned anything,, forget it,, I'm laughing,, you must have failed those classes,,, if you haven't noticed I'm not the only one who didn't like your remarks or comments towards us widowers...

You also did make a remark towards me,, you suggested this

You will never know what it is like to compete with the dead, because you are a widower.

I responded with this statement

There is half truth in that statement, your right,, I will never know what it feels like to compete,, because I will never be in competition with someone alive or deceased,, it's not about who wins,, It might be about me for just moment, "am I good enough"..
Then it would be about, what the other person thinks of me,, and if in their eyes I'm not good enough for them,, hey I'm Ok with that.. I have nothing to prove,,

I'm not looking to take the place of someone else through competition, nor would I want to. If though I made the other persons memories fade,, (but not forgotten), because of the person I am,, then guess what,, I might be their new man/Lover in their life,, because of good moments and memories we are sharing together..

However,, this is where you statement is wrong, You suggest because I'm a widower, I wouldn't know what it is like to date a widower,, That is where you are wrong I have dated widowed woman,, "That was some assumption by the way" I have/had no issues with it at all,, mainly because I have an understanding of her pain and suffering,, I also know what it means for her to talk about her love who passed away,, I say,, I am happy that woman loved,, and sorry she lost that love to death,,
I would also know through talking with her,, what a relationship and love means, at-least in her eyes..
For me,, to want to take her love/memories away,, I would never be so insensitive and insecure with who I am, to ever want too..


I quote you again...

but a lot of widowers make their deceases spouses into some kind of saint ( although talking to their kids I found that not to be the case) they don't want to remember the bad times (its disrespectful in their eyes). So, how do you compete with a ghost? You can't. At least with a living ,breathing ex. you can point out all the person's faults without getting clobbered with "I don't want to speak ill of the dead" OFten times giving them more respect dead than they ever deserved alive. If a widower can't put his ring away. THen there is no room for you. Because he can't give up the dead.

I quote you again

And I dated 2 widowers not 1 .

I have to ask you,, how does dating two widowers equal a lot of widowers as you stated above..

This was my reply to you if you had forgotten...
you

In some ways that is true phoebe, but a lot of widowers make their deceases spouses into some kind of saint

I responded with this statement
I for one do not have to pretend,, My wife was a saint in my eyes,, That by no means suggests I haven't gone through that tragic loss.. but rather a stepping stone for my life,, meaning,, I know what I want and desire,, because of her..
you

they don't want to remember the bad times

I responded with this statement
That is one of the big difference between widowed men and woman, we didn't dwell on what didn't work/or bad times,,, most can not comprehend how wonderful married life was,, yes,, we had our bad times,, but we did not focus on them,, rather we moved forward,, focused on what was important,, and what is team effort,, learning how to move forward,, and not dwell on the past, or bad experiences,, Rather focus on our love and how to make things work,, it didn't matter what differences we had,, it's learning to respect those differences,,
It's interesting,, I can tell if someone was happy in there life, whether it be through death or divorce,, their isn't the negativity, that is displayed in the statement I just quoted above,,,
you

At least with a living ,breathing ex. you can point out all the person's faults without getting clobbered

I responded with this statement
WOW.... that statement,, why would anyone, what to or attempt to find faults in either the ex, or someone who is deceased,, is it to prove who you are or who are not,, Now I would think,, as a person,, you could gain your own acceptance without bad mouthing someone else..


you

"I don't want to speak ill of the dead" OFten times giving them more respect dead than they ever deserved alive

I responded with this statement
Now this statement,, really pissed me off,, who the hell are you, to suggest this, I won't speak for all widowed men and woman,, But I think they would agree,, Your a complete #ss for even suggesting this,, for example, Not only did I respect and love my wife, the community we lived in did as well.. so much so,, they took the original school bell out of storage, now it sits at the entrance of her school where she taught., as a monument to her, ........ Not only did I respect her in life,, As I do in death,,

You think widowed men and woman compare,, you dam right we do,,let me tell you why,, lets just forget the persons name second.. ,, lets talk a who they were as a person,, that is who we fell in love with,, now many men and woman have those similar qualities,, as a widowed man,, I will never want to replace my wife,, but I will tell you this,, I will find someone with her qualities,, yet I know the personality will certainly be different,, I think, how wonderful is that.. Yet you feel you need to compete,, your only competing, not because you you don't measure up to my wife,, it's because you may not measure up to what I desire, what I'm looking for in a woman,, and to think we/I would settle for anything less than what made us/me happy,, the only competition you have is with yourself,,


you

Because he can't give up the dead.

I responded with this statement
You are so wrong with that,, I have let go of the past,, yet people like you want us widowed men and woman to forget our past,, that will never happen,, those are our memories,, we cherish them, matter of fact we love them,, it is because of our deceased spouses we are who we are today,, good and bad,, and to deny that,, would be to deny that we ever lived,, both in happiness / love and pain,,


you

If a widower can't put his ring away.

I responded with this statement
It's not about the ring for men and woman like you,, you will find fault in all that we widowed men and woman do, it's because you feel the need to compete,, We could have one picture up,, you would find fault in that as well,, yet,, I loved my brother, he is dead, I have a picture of him,, no issues their why,, love is love no matter,,
I should deny my son, who my wife was, who his adoptive mom was,, all because you can't see it as our past,, yet we want to let go and we have and can,, but it's people like you, who even though we don't have to defends our reasons,, we do it,, because,, you need to be enlightened....so that you can move forward through your shallow thinking and insecurities..


It does appear, you would like to be the center of attention not only with men in your life.. but here as well,, just because I don't agree with your off the wall remarks, insensitive remarks, your generalization of widowers, may be if showed a little more compassion toward others,,
Now if I piss you off ,frankly I don't care, because you are one of the most negative, insensitive people I have come across.. .. some much for your Psychology courses..

Like I said before,, I get it, you don't want to date widowers,,
I see your writing and ideas have improved, as you use thoughts and ideas from other posters to regain some sort of integrity.. ,, it's interesting how you didn't mention any of those issues before, other than the ring and how you felt it was ok to bad mouth the dead.. Now I'm not sure of this,, but I would think, those Psychology classes you took haven't taught you anything,, You would think, you would have learned from your first misfortune dating a widowed man ,, Knowing all the signs you just mentioned in your last post,, but no,, you do it again,, and missed all the signs you claim you are aware of..

Now I have to ask,, is it really the widower who has the issues,, or is it you... but you need to blame those men,, because I think they won't accept you because of your idea, that you should be the center of their world,, and you want them to completely give up the memories of their past,, you seemed pissed because those men you dated,, have nothing bad to say about their late wives, and I'm sure, they will not stand by and let you bash their wives either,, so you claimed you wanted to do...


But any man or woman, that is still wearing a wedding ring, regardless of which hand it is on. Is not ready to accept another mate. Not until he removes the ring for good.

You know nothing of men and rings,, I will say this again,, read it slowly,, it's not a material possessions for most widowers,, it is what we carry in our hearts,,

My first post here stated,, I took off my ring 6 mo. after I was married, the only time I wore it, if we went to a social function.. I took it off because I was in construction,, and it got caught on everything,, almost lost my finger several times,, My point is,, I took 4 years to grieve the loss of my wife,, and I didn't need to take off a ring to say,, I have gotten through that painful time,, it was my mind and heart that healed,, believe it or not,, the body had some healing to do as well.. so please do not tell us widowers what we need to do to, so that we can prove to you that we have healed, as I said before,, if you can't handle a picture, or anything else we choose to do,, do not date us,, you will be much happier,, and so won't the next widower you meet if you just left him alone...
 navywave
Joined: 1/30/2008
Msg: 89
Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/26/2008 1:24:41 PM
rdcnoorm, you have way too much time on your hands to write that book you just wrote in response to my email
 bcsofnc57
Joined: 11/20/2007
Msg: 91
Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/28/2008 7:18:40 PM
Phoebe48: I think everyone has the right to do what they feel like doing if they lose a spouse. For me if I married a man I truly loved and he died, there is no way I would ever date anyone again. I would always feel they were my husband. My mother feels the same way since my father passed away. I could never date a man who had lost his wife through death. I would feel like I was with another woman's husband. Death is not the same as divorce. You get divorced because the marriage was a mistake, never should have happened. Most of the time death is not a choice.

I would no more try to replace a dead husband than I would try to replace one of my children if they died.

I really don't understand the need to take the wedding rings off or move them to another hand.

As to talking about the person, we talk about my father all of the time. Why wouldn't we?
 bcsofnc57
Joined: 11/20/2007
Msg: 92
Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/28/2008 7:39:28 PM
happyrebel: I am not trying to be critical of others that do date, but my feeling on it is, if I had lost a husband through death at 20, 30, my age now or 80 I would have not dated again.

I feel that each of us should only have one real husband or wife(to me if you get divorced it means the marriage was a mistake, and once you are divorced they were never your spouse, and you are free to try again.) To me once you marry and you truly love each other, that person is your spouse forever, and that you shouuld never marry again even if that person dies.

My mother is 74, but really doubt she would have dated again if my father had died when she was 30. My mother was 22 when she married my father, and he was only the second man she had ever dated.

I have had a few men write, all seemed very nice, who had lost their wives through death, and I just can't bring myself to date them. To me they are still very much married.

Also to me marriage is too special to be called a relationship, it is in a class all by itself. Once you are truly married, as in you both truly love each other, you become a family. It would like be like saying a mud puddle and an ocean are both bodies of water. Maybe on a techinacal level that is true, but in reality it is far from true. A mud puddle is far more likely to dry up and go away than an ocean. Just as a marriage is a lot more likely to survive the ups and downs of life than a mere relationship.

I can not and have no desire to try and tell others what they should or shouuldn't do.
 dustyknight
Joined: 9/14/2006
Msg: 94
Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/29/2008 5:33:18 PM
You didn't get divorced, you were made a widow etc..If someone cares that you still wear a ring..it's their problem not yours.. Maybe a lack of self assurance on their part? now if you were married for a longtime it is ofcourse a natural act to continue to wear your marital ring.
dusty
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 96
Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/31/2008 10:41:33 AM

I feel that each of us should only have one real husband or wife


Even so, my real husband has died. So I am to be alone the rest of my life? Hey, can't I have a concubine or a mastress or...what the hell WOULD you call finding another love of your life? An INsignificant other?


To me they are still very much married.

Setting aside the emotional factors of incomplete grieving process and "dead wife worship" situations, the marriage vows state "Forsaking all others, until DEATH do us part". There's nothing stating we can't have a subsequent marriage. Of course there is a custom in one Eastern religion that requires a widow to die on her husband's funeral pyre...and trust me honey, in many social and practical matters, a woman who chooses to isolate herself from the possibility of a second chance at love is practicing a sort of social, practical and sexual self immolation.a I think most Western culture men with their heads on somewhat straight, would be APPALLED that their widow felt obliged to deny herself male companionship, the emotional support of a relationship or marrriage, and sex, to "honor' his memory.
Cindy O
 LoonyTunz
Joined: 8/11/2006
Msg: 100
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History
Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/31/2008 10:38:17 PM
OP: Sorry for your loss and honestly don't let anyone tell you when to take it off. Only you can decide that and 7 months compared to a long marriage is a drop in the bucket.
Personally, if you want to wear it while you grieve no one elses opinion matters. The symbol the ring represent might cause some confusion when/if you choose to start dating again later but, again who are a bunch of strangers to tell you when that will be.
 lovelilacs
Joined: 5/27/2007
Msg: 101
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Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 6/1/2008 12:09:38 AM
I agree-it was about 6 months before I took mine off. But it was not to forget him, it was just time to move on.
 golf001
Joined: 7/25/2008
Msg: 110
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Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 8/14/2008 10:25:46 AM
I have belong to a bereavement group now for a couple of years and we were just talking about this the last meeting. It seems the ladies some are up to 3 years since the loss are still having issues with removing the rings and are just now starting to think about it.
I think it is an individual decission on what to do. I changed mine to the right hand a year and a half after the loss.
I beleive it may be different for men then women. but like I said it is an idividual decission
 DebrahLynn
Joined: 2/8/2009
Msg: 128
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Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 4/28/2009 7:34:26 AM
I have worn my rings for 6 months since my Husbands death ,I have no plans to take them off. Maybe were them on the right hand. I feel when I were them that we are still connected. I need his warmth feeling spirit connected to me when I have them on it is a part of us, still apart of me and always will be ,35 yrs.married.
 dustyknight
Joined: 9/14/2006
Msg: 131
Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 4/29/2009 1:14:53 PM
hey, wear it or not ..do what makes you feel best..
wouldn't bother me at all..I'm the future love not the past love..it's only competition if you allow it to be...
If we put this much effort into loving someone comepletely instead of picking things about them apart..we would be much happier!
good luck to you all..fish deep and use shiny bait..the water's a lil murky lately
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 138
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Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/13/2009 3:35:50 PM
After 16 yrs. I still wear (only) my eternity ring. If someone doesn't like it, too bad.
 Witchiwomin
Joined: 4/15/2009
Msg: 139
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Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/13/2009 5:33:17 PM
I'm so glad to have found this thread.
I am into my 18th month of widowhood and beginning to feel ready to move on. I thought that would also mean removing my rings, but I'm having a difficult time doing that. I know that ready is different for each of us, and there is no right or wrong time. My question is, does having trouble removing my rings also mean that I'm not ready to date?
 caelynmom
Joined: 3/25/2009
Msg: 155
Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 11/11/2009 1:57:28 PM
I have been widow for 2 years and 1 month and 7 days. I took mine off after a year, felt "guilty" about it so I put it back on and then once I finally felt disconnected was when I finally took it off and put it away to pass down to our daughter.
 kari135
Joined: 9/1/2009
Msg: 157
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Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 11/11/2009 3:45:17 PM
I was with my husband for just over 21 years, and he died 2 years ago tomorrow. I still wear my ring, but on my right hand. For me, it doesn't symbolize our marriage, but over 2 decades of friendship, which is what I want to remember, and what he'd want me to remember. But I also know he'd want to get on with living life as much as possible.
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 166
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Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 11/26/2009 9:36:53 AM
even when i was married, i always got the "correct" ring finger mixed up in my second marriage , let alone which went on first? the engagement ring we bought "after" we were married or the wedding ring? i found myself always moving them around from hand to hand and reversing the order! as for my first marriage, we didn't believe in rings, so it's a mute question. back in the 60's, they symbolized property ownership moreso than love in my crowd!

i am now back dating the same widower i stopped seeing a while ago, because i felt he was not ready. he wears the ring, altough for the life of me, i'm not sure on which hand. i think i will check that out!

for me, it was the pic looking over the bed. her nightgown hanging in the bathroom. her hat is still on the kitchen table chair. just the other day, we had a game nite at his place and the guys were moving it all around and even trying it on. they didn't realize it was hers and he said nothing.

however, he has shared both the good and the bad, as have i, of past relationships. i'ts clear to me that he really cares, as he has always been there for me as a friend in some of the most dire times. i also know he feels a strong attraction. slowly i am seeing more of "him" in his living space. it didn't bother me the other day when he served me tea in "her" cup. he suddenly realized what he did and offered to change it. i said it was okay. but, i DO NOT sit in her special chair. i've made my own special chair.

my ex SO (before the widower) has also been there for me a lot lately. he never felt about me the way the widower does and he made that very clear over time. but, he too is proving to be a good friend. my widower has met him and showed concern about him being alone. asked me if i wanted to ask him for our group T'giving. i had wanted to do that, but didn't want to cause concern. the fact he showed that concern for my ex SO, because he was helping me out with stuff, made it a bit easier to tolerate her cup! plus, i was worried about my ex SO spending it alone. but, he had something going on already.

it's a process and a reciprocal process at that. it's a lot easier when it's mutual. however, there is no way i can make love to a man with his ex wife's pic smiling down at me. i also need to see signs of an emerging individual life. plus, we talk about it all. that is very essential to have honesty.

my friend has put all her deceased husband's things away and is now dating. for her, it was too painful to have all his stuff around. she does keep a hidden driver's license in her desk drawer and does say goodnite to him that way with a kiss. she knows he would want her to be happy. i plan to see if she is wearing her ring and also to ask her how/where she plans to be buried (issue raised above), as this current beau of hers was never legally married to his ex SO. knowing her, she's donated her body to science. mine will be ashes strewn in my creek after i donate myself to lymes disease research.

all these difficult "daily living" questions! i guess the question is does s/he open up to you as the new person in his/her life? do they really care for you and does s/he have the "hots" for you. in my younger years, also dated a couple of widowers and they had serious sexual cravings, but in no way were either ready for a "relationship", let alone any commitment. one become a real man-whore, yet his house and kids had the illusion of what was "before". the kids must have sensed it all. the other primarly wanted to dump his kids on me. frankly, i would have kept them and i was the one who helped them deal with their mother's passing. however, i have no memory of where they wore their bands. something is missing in my priorities, i guess. or too much time spent listening to their stories and where their heads are at!

when it comes to the time, when the new person's needs are listened to, respected and heeded--that is when there is some "hope" for the non widow, as well as her widower and his continuing life. for me, it's fine about the old ring as long as it doesn't negate the possibility of a new one. but, that is another process. one day at a time.....
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 167
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Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 11/30/2009 10:38:21 PM
aha, you all were right. he wears it on the right hand. so, i guess there's hope for us?!*
 CoolOldBroad
Joined: 8/9/2007
Msg: 169
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Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 12/5/2009 8:35:00 PM
Whatever my situation in life, if I am able, I will be wearing solely an obvious toe ring.....aging hippies, rejoice! Wedding rings are like the wedding contract -- something ephemeral and in this day and age, things to be "tweaked" to our desires. Not for moi.
 You go first
Joined: 5/1/2008
Msg: 171
Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 1/3/2010 10:27:00 PM
Married almost 25 years, I kept mine on for 2 years as that was the timeline I gave myself before I would even consider dating.

I put the original wedding set into safe deposit and bought myself my 25 year anniversary band that I wear on my right hand. When you're ready, you'll know.
 Exotigal
Joined: 8/7/2009
Msg: 179
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Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 3/12/2010 8:39:04 AM
I can answer this questions as an adult child. My mother passed away 19 years ago, my daughter was 4 months old. My dad, is still living a vibrant life and yes he still wears his wedding ring. Keep it on. It must give you a sense of calm in this crazy world.
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