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 AUTHOR
 JWA
Joined: 5/21/2005
Msg: 5
AT MY WITS END....INPUT PLEASE!!!!!Page 5 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
I'm not a mother, never could be and really don't know any along with not having any kids of my own BUT I have to go along with a few here who ask where you were when this FIRST began? Your laments about waiting 22 years etc won't have much effect on her---she's living out what she learned at home. With a third child on the way and your daughter being totally dependant on this guy for a home and money is only part of a whole mess of problems. It's sad to think there are three innocent children who will no doubt live the same life you originall set the example for.

I also think there are a few very irresponsible female replies based solely upon their own personal, emotionally-charged feelings about this situation. Your daughter needs her own motivations in order to escape this guy IF it's as you describe. We're hearing only your version of all this and it's very, very possible the full story isn't being revealed here. Certainly I'm NOT doubting your love or dedication to the daughter but then we're back to where were you as this began??? Trying to correct things for her now is a bit late----helping her IF and/or WHEN she leaves him might be your only strategy.

Do you intend to break them up? If that happened what would become of the children and her? I'm NOT suggesting she stay with him just to be "taken care of" but what would you have her do? Are you willing or able to take her and the children in for an extended time? If she's not worked in a long time re-entering the job market now would mean starting at the bottom and trying to advance. If she doesn't have a degree or advanced education something like a cashier or other lower paying job would probably be all she could get in the beginning. With child care and the monsterous time requirement for a new-born along with two kids where will she find time to do all this?

I'm sorry to say as described this is one helluva fix and there's no easy answer to it. I feel terrible knowing someone is in this position but it's not like she hasn't been there all along, knowing how this has been going. Like others here have said until SHE is ready to make a change one has to get the impression she's not quite as upset about this as you are. One child might have been an accident, the second wasn't so much a surprise and now the third----that says mountains about her state of mind. She's not as discontented as you think it would appear!

I hope the kids in this mess don't grow up to repeat this cycle---of if they do that there will be forums then for them to post to!!
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 10
AT MY WITS END....INPUT PLEASE!!!!!
Posted: 6/23/2006 1:19:30 PM

and smokes about 500 hundred a month on dope

And he's a trucker??! Even if there is no governmental agency watching over the trucking industry,sooner or later this is gonna catch up with the guy. Get out, child, before he loses his job( and blames you) or has a wreck, kills someone loses his job AND gets sued, so that the lot of you are out in the street with nothing.
A guy who's doing that much dope and/or alcohol is courting disaster, you need to get you and your kids out before you get caught up in it.
Cindy O
 libre rich
Joined: 4/13/2006
Msg: 12
AT MY WITS END....INPUT PLEASE!!!!!
Posted: 6/23/2006 9:00:43 PM
Desdock, You are a good mother and believe me, your daughter needs professional help! This is close to a situation I know about first- hand. The same scenario held true for a friend of mine, the abused ex-wife whose ex-husband had a strong emotional control over. The more her family complained, the more the lady in question felt the psychological need to defend his actions! So, the answer is to sort of "stand up" for the bad guy!! That's right, do "the opposite" of what seems natural to you as a good mother. Nobody likes their parents to tell them what to do! By not criticizing him, she'll be left to discover for herself about his negligent ways. And believe me, he's bad!! What do you have to lose?? If that doesn't work, try not to interfere and hope she arrives at the "right conclusion", which is that she doesn't need a loser like him running her life! It's apparent that she has self-esteem issues, problems, etc. Therefore some professional counseling may help. But, that may take many months and years - time may allow her to gain a better perspective, but that doesn't solve the immediate problem! You are a good parent and hopefully in time she will realize that. Best of Luck, Have patience, Hopefully he'll fall for another woman and leave your dau. alone - "better to be alone than in bad company", the old saying goes. Your daughter is victimized by a messed-up dude who has little class or merit!! Be glad they're not married!
 BrownEyedLeo
Joined: 1/5/2006
Msg: 13
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History
AT MY WITS END....INPUT PLEASE!!!!!
Posted: 6/23/2006 9:16:41 PM
I am sure I will get blasted for my answer, but this is my opinion. You can help her by butting out of her life. She does not seem to mind that he is the way he is, you are the one that seems to mind. Maybe you need to get a life and not be so concerned about hers and the way she chooses to live it. You speak of his prioities, yet she doesn't seem to mind what his priorites are. She must be content or just as irresponsible as he is or she would not be pregnant with a third child. As the old saying goes, "She made her bed, let her lie in it." She seems to be enjoying lieing in bed with her "Significant Other."
As for you "being the loving Mother that you are" as started in your thread and purchasing her clothes she needed, you are only further enabling both of them to continue as they are. No need for either of them to change anything as long as Mommy is going to be there to "fix" it for them.
I do not mean to sound like I am attacking you. I am just being honest in my view of the situation. Your Daughter is not uncapable of caring for herself or leaving. She has let you know in more ways than one that she does not wish to leave. Seems she is more than willing to let the relationship stay as it is.Your Daughter is just as responsible for her life being the way it is as her S/O is.
 rednalsI
Joined: 11/27/2005
Msg: 14
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History
AT MY WITS END....INPUT PLEASE!!!!!
Posted: 6/23/2006 9:20:27 PM
so when does she realize its time to leave him? hopefully not after the third or fourth time he beats her.

get your daughter out and get her a lawyer. She will do better on half of the $60K net than $400/mo
 dogar2007
Joined: 5/24/2006
Msg: 22
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History
AT MY WITS END....INPUT PLEASE!!!!!
Posted: 6/24/2006 9:18:08 AM
I would never accept such behavior from a woman. What has made her accept this behavior in a man, for even a week, much less years?
 atrkyhntr™
Joined: 12/20/2005
Msg: 26
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AT MY WITS END....INPUT PLEASE!!!!!
Posted: 6/24/2006 10:32:03 AM
I have not read this whole thread so SORRY...
If this was my daughter I'd have her move in with me and file for child support from him and also see if the court would award some kind of support for her if she is not working and has given up her chance at a career to take care of him and thier childrens needs...
He'll either see that he needs to straighten up his act for her and his childrens sake or screw him, parden my french...
Your daughter and her children deserve much more then they are getting from him... Lets hope her moving out opens his eyes to what he has...
A relationship consist of much more then just financial needs there are emotional issues that need taken care of also....
King JayM
Dude you need to get real... She cannot become employed at her stage of pregnancy... $400.00 is enough a month?? More like $400.00 a week or better yet let her take what she needs to keep him, her and the kids healthy and happy for all their well being...
LMAO your comments simple minded man really simple...
GOOD LUCK and keep us posted!!
 atrkyhntr™
Joined: 12/20/2005
Msg: 29
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History
AT MY WITS END....INPUT PLEASE!!!!!
Posted: 6/24/2006 5:18:14 PM
I found out that the Family Law in Alberta has just been changed on May 1st 2006.I don't know where you live in Alberta so I don't know which number to give you for Legal Aid.I don't know if the law has been changed about common-law marriages in the past seven years.I heard rumors that you can have the same legal rights as legally maried people have in Alberta.Look for Legal Aid in the section you live in.I know for sure they have housing where your daughter can go with the children where Beds and everything She needs for her and her children so she can get out of the house if she needs to without having to take anything with her incase she needs a quick get away even.If you need to talk to anybody for help any kind.You can send me an email if you want.


^^^^ That is good news^^^^
Now have your daughter use it to her advantage
for her and the children
 bleeptwo
Joined: 11/29/2005
Msg: 31
AT MY WITS END....INPUT PLEASE!!!!!
Posted: 6/25/2006 8:53:22 PM
To kame etc tell your daughters to leave these jerks see how theses bums like paying child support. I mean hell I got custody of my kids I do not get any money from the mother of my children but I also do not want any from her. But no need for a woman or a man to but up with insecure people or dope heads. Just my two cents worth .
 christylicious
Joined: 8/9/2006
Msg: 32
AT MY WITS END....INPUT PLEASE!!!!!
Posted: 5/16/2007 8:11:02 PM
There is only one thing you can do here...be there for her.

Try not to argue with her (she is under enough stress).

Keep trying to come from the angle of the kids, they need a better enviroment.

Open your home to her and her children.

Just be supportive...she will need that...help her get on her feet and divorce the pig.

Good luck!
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