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 eminemguy
Joined: 4/10/2012
Msg: 168
is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?Page 7 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
hey am a dad of two boy and girl i take them every week end and may not contrubite to support i do love them and this just bash on dads but u may have a good reason thou
 Tealwood
Joined: 12/16/2008
Msg: 169
is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 4/21/2012 8:26:53 AM



Ladies….No matter what you suggest I will just have difficulties accepting the suggestion you are doing all that is required for your children. Now if you are financially well established then that is different. ~Tealwood~



^^^And yet in all your rants...you still fail to acknowledge a deadbeat father and his obligations....typical...nice to see things haven't changed in 7 years Tealwood...ya still sore about that date I stood you up for all those years ago?
FYI the years I have spent on my kids are not wasted...they are cherished and the time and money I spend on them will be well spent. I am educating MY kids about people such as yourself.
There are always different circimstances...and you are not the authority on making those judgements...nice try though.Get a grip dude. Chillax..take a chill...it's all good!
You take care of yours...and I'll take care of mine...just keep paying those full time salary taxes ;)


Exactly my point, no matter the realities of the individual circumstances, you will continue to harp on finances as the tell all and end all measure of a parent. Thanks Tealwood!


Lizzie…I always suggest or advocate that both parents…equally be required to be financially responsible. And have the same disdain for the non custodial who is avoiding working and not being financially responsible…as I do for the custodial parent who is not being financially responsible as they rely on payments from the ex partner or government payments to subsidize what they are unwilling to earn themselves. Both are deadbeats looking for others to uphold their responsibilities.

And I do not remember it being a date but a coffee …. I really was curious to see if you really did have the sense of entitlement you portray. Pleased to hear you are educating your children about individuals who actually earn their own way in life and perhaps they might not follow the path of what some might interpret as users or those who under employ themselves and expect society to subsidize their choices or lack of initiative?

As to ohwhynot….what said the responsibilities end with financial responsibilities. Perhaps this is where we differ? You made a choice as to financial responsibilities versus parenting. I insured my financial requirements and still did the required parenting to insure homework was done. I was there for the school meetings with the teachers….It was because of financial responsibility I was able to provide the dental and extra ordinary expenses that is a requirement of raising ones children. So unlike yourself…rather than making a choice of one or the other…I upheld my financial responsibilities myself….I also maintained the responsibilities required for fully supporting the needs and responsibilities of my children. Perhaps the effort of doing both is something that some feel they are not capable of upholding…or they feel entitled to having others pay for their choices?
 Confuzzled4ever
Joined: 6/9/2005
Msg: 170
is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 4/25/2012 3:44:59 PM
•79.5% of custodial single mothers are gainfully employed
49.8% work full time, year round
29.7% work part-time or part-year

•90% of custodial single fathers are gainfully employed
71.7% work full time, year round
18.4% work part-time or part-year

•27% of custodial single mothers and their children live in poverty
•12.9% of custodial single fathers and their children live in poverty

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

These are meaningless...
Guess what? My last job? I made what most would consider upper middle class income... HOWEVER I qualified for low income housing (not that it was available for me), state medical ins for my son and some other income based programs out there.. I also worked 60-80 hours a week, missed everything my son was involved in and still had trouble getting food on the table. I do not have extras nor did I then, and I do not have debt and at that time even my student loans were deferred. I was considered hovering at poverty level, but I was working full time for more money then I make now.. So where does that put me?

Do these stats take into account mothers who were stay at home moms before the divorce?

Men STILL on average make more then women..although it the gap is closing..does it take that into consideration?

Truth is I should have QUIT that job, long before I lost it.. moved and made sure I was home more. Which I finally did and guess what.. Once again I qualify for just about everything based on income. HOWEVER my son is happier, I am happier and life is easier.

My point? You can't base everything on income, financial status or custodial arrangement.

Oh and the best part? Whenever my son's father would send money.. I was able make ends meet.. and trust me. .it's very little he is supposed to send.. less then a 1/4 of what it actually costs to raise him...which I guess by your standards is good enough? (actually if i sat down and did the math it's probably less then that..) oh and he never visited him, and actually moved farther away from us to avoid the CS court.

I can make it with or without his money.. but when a ncp help in the support, it only benefits the child.

Also you contradict yourself a lot. It's not ok to not be there for your kids, but you should be able to support them completely financially by yourself if need be. It's not always possible to do both! Being on a social service program does not mean you are a deadbeat. And perhaps if the ncp would simply do their that wouldn't be the case.

Just because women are the ones to carry the baby before it's born, doesn't give the other parent free reign to walk away and leave her stranded. Even the most well off person struggles to balance parenthood with everything else. it's s struggle and when you do it on your own, you don't always get it right the first time. But what matters is the child is loved and cared for. period.

Oh yes and my son is better provided for now, better cared for, he is happier and has more respect for me as his parent. So I see the lowering of my income as a blessing and so does my son (although he doesn't really know about the monetary situation)
 Tealwood
Joined: 12/16/2008
Msg: 171
is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 4/25/2012 8:00:25 PM
These are meaningless...


So are all statistics meaningless or just the ones you do not like hearing about?

What percentage of marriages end in divorce? Forty-three percent of first marriages end in divorce, according to the National Center for Health Statistics.

Now is this also meaningless? Just wondering what determines what is relevant and what is not relevant in your acceptance of government published statistics.




Men STILL on average make more then women..although it the gap is closing..does it take that into consideration?


Go back and look at the numbers of full time employment and part time employment and perhaps some part of why men earn more might also be understood….then can we look at the numbers of post secondary education and despite more woman than men graduating high school and entering university….they still seem to pursue degree’s in traditional roles that also pay less?

So why not go read “An Analysis of Reasons for Disparity in wages Between Men and Woman”
Prepared by the US Government of Labor Standards

PREPARED BY:
CONSAD Research Corporation
211 North Whitfield Street
Pittsburgh, PA 15206
Under Contract Number GS-23F-02598
Task Order 2, Subtask 2B
January 12, 2009

A greater percentage of women than men tend to work part-time. Part-time work tends to pay less than full-time work.

Women, especially working mothers, tend to value “family friendly” workplace policies more than men. Some of the wage gap is explained by industry and occupation, particularly, the percentage of women who work in the industry and occupation.

Research indicates that women may value non-wage benefits more than men do, and as a result prefer to take a greater portion of their compensation in the form of health insurance and other fringe benefits.

2.1.1 Occupation
Historically, men and women have worked in notably different occupations. As a result, the percentage of workers who are female varies greatly among occupations. Researchers have used several terms to characterize this phenomenon, including occupational selection, occupational sorting, occupational segregation, and occupational crowding. Because women have disproportionately worked in occupations with relatively low wages (e.g., teachers, nurses, secretaries, retail sales clerks) and men have disproportionately worked in occupations with comparatively high wages (e.g., executives, managers, doctors, lawyers, engineers, scientists), the average and median earnings of women in general has been much lower than the average and median earnings of men in general.

In a recently published study, Mulligan and Rubinstein (2008) report that their research has found that most of the observed narrowing of the gender wage gap between the 1970s and the 1990s is attributable to change in the occupational composition of the female labor force over that period. The results from their statistical analyses suggest that the wages of women have increased relative to the wages of men because women have behaved differently than they had previously in terms of the skills of the women who have entered the labor force, their attachment to the labor force, and their investment in forms of human capital that are valued highly in the labor market. They note that women have increased the market orientation of their courses of study in high school and college by increasing their emphasis on courses in mathematics and business. Thus, the median wages of women have risen more rapidly than the median wages of men because the behavior of women in relation to the labor market has become increasingly similar to the behavior of men.
This conclusion in reinforced by evidence reported by Joy (2006) Based on results from her statistical analysis, she concludes that the sorting of men and women among occupations begins with their choice of major academic discipline for some occupations, but not for others. Where there are strong practical links between specific academic disciplines and specific occupations, the differential enrollment of males and females in those disciplines serves as the foundation for the prevalence of men or women in the linked occupations. For other occupations, differences in personal characteristics such as preference for working in high paying jobs after graduation are more important in determining the prevalence of men or women in the occupations. Thus, changes over time in the major academic disciplines chosen by women and in the weight given to the level of compensation in the choice of occupations by women have been key factors in the observed narrowing of the raw gender wage gap over time.


Now why not go watch 20/20….Warren Farrel- Wage Gap.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DtjaBQMog0Q

Interesting point on choices of work and how it reflects income.

I am employed full time….so I make more money than someone who is working part time…

I make up extra working hours doing work at home after the children went to bed….or now they are older while they watch TV or do their own homework.

Now I did not miss everything…in fact I was able to catch most things but I also turned down job promotions as they did not allow the lifestyle I made a choice to assume…but that choice did not mean living off the avails of others.

I would also never suggest being involved and self supporting parent is easy. In my case being single and doing it alone was far easier and less stressful than doing it and having to support my wife.

But then some have always been able to stand on their own two feet and survive without living off society and or social programs and others use the pretext of the children as a tool to not have to be held accountable for their own insufficiencies. I know a number of single mothers who do without child support…earn their own income and are still there for their children every evening….but some part time mothers still need to be at home…when their children are at school.
 Confuzzled4ever
Joined: 6/9/2005
Msg: 172
is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 4/26/2012 12:46:27 PM
So.. which is it.. hmm?

Do we give up the "great job with the high pay" to be with our kids?

Or do we pursue the high paying career that will stop us from being with our children?

You're advocating both, which you can't really have..

when a woman has a baby.. married or not.. most will sacrifice working hours for mommy and me classes, which men, generally speaking, won't do. It's great that you could work from home to make extra income, I didn't have the opportunity (although I was looking for it) and many don't.

You turned down promotion.. so by your own definition, you gave up income that would benefit your children's, doesn't that make you a bad parent??? Or is it's ok because you did it?

But you are suggesting it is easy.. You've got the I did, so you can do it too mentality. It's not true.

A woman gets pregnant young.. say 19.. didn't finish college.. marital status makes no difference.. the man bails.. now she has a choice.. work and put her child in the arms of strangers, go to college and live off others, or do both and no only fall into both scenarios, but also not be with their child.

A woman gets pregnant after getting married and the couple decide she will stay home to raise the child. After 5 years of not working they get divorced.. What kind of job do you think she will be able to get? A gap of employment for 5 years looks terrible on a resume regardless of the reason. whatever she ends up with almost guaranteed will be a lot less then what she's used to.. by what you said her asking him for support is bad parenting..

You wanna argue that she made her own bed? Ok. that's true also.. but the man helped her make it.. and then he bailed.. so now she's a "drain on society and it's all her fault" (so you didn't say those words exactly.. it's the same thing), and the man get to go play with his buddies and live the way he wants.

So a woman's career choice is bad if she chooses a career that doesn't pay a ton of money? This also makes her a bad mother? It's a bad choice to accept a lower paying position that has better benefits? Well if the man bailed perhaps she needs the better medical ins or the on site daycare or the extra vacation time or flex schedule? Ah but this makes her a bad mother right? Forget that she SHOULD have another person involved who bailed.

basically.. i can't be a lawyer simply because I can't keep the schedule, I can however work in an office where my son is welcome and I don't have to work weekends or holidays.

I'm up for a much better position now.. want to know my only road block?? I'm not a man. They are afraid a woman will crumble under the pressure of the position. I won't, but that's what I'm facing right now. So don't tell me this doesn't still exist.

I personally do have a support order, but usually don't receive it. So I do it on my own, but I am not blind or dumb to the difference that support makes in my son's life. Denying him the support of the other parent is wrong. A child is meant to have 2 parents for a reason. I can't make him be here physically, but I can make him contribute financially. My son deserves it and so does every other child out there being raised by a single parent. Anything less is robbing the child. If I have to be viewed in such a way as you probably view me, then so be it. i know what is best for my child and I will pursue it, and I think everyone else should as well.

By your own arguments you are saying that a parent is only good if they make a large salary and have enough time left over to be there for the kids. I love how it all falls on the shoulders of the single parent and love how the other parent get away scott free of responsibility. I don't think you've ever had to struggle a day in your life, not really. Ever lived in your car? Didn't eat so your kids could? Ever sold your most prized possession just to cloth your child? That's the reality of some single parents, even some who are working full time. In my view a parents is only bad if they neglect their children or don't put them first. That woman who starved her baby, but was rather large herself? She was a bad parent! I'd love to see if she was working full time or not.

I worked 3 jobs when my son was a baby to make ends meet, since i had no help.. I think that was a terrible choice and if i could redo it, i'd be home more. But I guess by your standards I was a good parent because I made a decent amount of money.. I don't agree.
 Tealwood
Joined: 12/16/2008
Msg: 173
is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 4/26/2012 3:03:57 PM

You turned down promotion.. so by your own definition, you gave up income that would benefit your children's, doesn't that make you a bad parent??? Or is it's ok because you did it?


I turned down a job promotion that would have paid me 6 figure, but would have required long hours away from home or overnight trips monthly. I have in my existing full time job the financial capability of earning what we need to have to live comfortably without having to go without which is what is needed for insuring the needs of my children are met. I have never chased the golden ring of being the highest paid. And once they are both out of the house or finished with high school I have opportunities that are not available for those who did not work or who hid behind their children.


A woman gets pregnant after getting married and the couple decide she will stay home to raise the child. After 5 years of not working they get divorced.. What kind of job do you think she will be able to get? A gap of employment for 5 years looks terrible on a resume regardless of the reason. whatever she ends up with almost guaranteed will be a lot less then what she's used to.. by what you said her asking him for support is bad parenting..


I agree a woman who is out of the work force is at a disadvantage….and the statistics where 43% of first marriages end in divorce would suggest that a responsible capable individual would insure they did not put themselves in the position of not being capable and responsible in terms of self sufficiency. But then I might suggest many who “stay at home” probably were not that capable or career set in the first place but simply looked at this as an excuse. To reinforce this look at choices for graduating high school students and compare to gender choices. But anyone who was responsible and careful would make choices in life that minimized threats to their personal safety….so why with 43% failure would a woman with a good career potential stop working…because she did not have one or she did not like working and required an excuse.


A woman gets pregnant young.. say 19.. didn't finish college..


They get a free ride because they were stupid enough to get in this position? Strange but despite an active lifestyle in my teens and 20’s I never seemed to fall into the position of having mistakes to clean up or assume. But I was always deathly afraid of the noose or the harness or would that be the yoke? I figured to wait until I was ready to be responsible. Didn’t you see this as responsible?


So a woman's career choice is bad if she chooses a career that doesn't pay a ton of money? This also makes her a bad mother? It's a bad choice to accept a lower paying position that has better benefits?


I would suggest you have to stop complaining that men earn more money if you made a career choice that earns less money. I would suggest you have to stop complaining about a lack of financial resources when you are not working or working part time. I would suggest you cannot expect child support from a non custodial parent based on full time employment when you are unwilling to do the same.


basically.. i can't be a lawyer simply because I can't keep the schedule, I can however work in an office where my son is welcome and I don't have to work weekends or holidays.


You work as a lawyer you can make your own hours. The best lawyers earn very good money because they work long and hard hours…the lawyers who work less earn less. Again the effort you put into it has some bearing on the remuneration that comes out?


I personally do have a support order, but usually don't receive it. So I do it on my own, but I am not blind or dumb to the difference that support makes in my son's life. Denying him the support of the other parent is wrong. A child is meant to have 2 parents for a reason. I can't make him be here physically, but I can make him contribute financially.


I have no support order. I was told simply she would not contest custody if I never asked for cs….I always looked at that as a financial bonus for me. But then I have never had a problem being self sufficient either!

My children have 2 parents…both have a home that is a safe haven for them if needed…both homes have mortgage payments and both homes have costs associated with it. The costs do not change if they are living there or not. There is no denying of the parent…any time they want they can go and visit their mother…and she has the resources and ability to spend time with them…as she like many other woman seemingly made a choice not to work hard or work full time. So my house I pay my own bills and do not expect financial compensation because they are sleeping there.


You wanna argue that she made her own bed? Ok. that's true also.. but the man helped her make it.. and then he bailed.. so now she's a "drain on society and it's all her fault" (so you didn't say those words exactly.. it's the same thing), and the man get to go play with his buddies and live the way he wants.


I cannot abide any parent be it male or female that is not there emotionally or financially for their children. But I expect equal standards of expectation and accountability for both genders. You let one work part time or not at all then equally both are allowed that situation. As to her being a drain on society…I suggest she is a drain on society because she is who she is and would be one regardless and having the children enables her to hide and or use the children to hide what she is….a deadbeat just like the guy who is not there to financially support the children as well.

50/50 arrangements would suggest no child support being required as both parents are capable and able to work. But statistics and studies indicate woman prefer to work less than full time and guess who then has to make up the lack of financial responsibility?


I'm up for a much better position now.. want to know my only road block?? I'm not a man. They are afraid a woman will crumble under the pressure of the position. I won't, but that's what I'm facing right now. So don't tell me this doesn't still exist.


LOL….guys do not back down from a challenge. Your road block is your self defeatist attitude that you suggest you are unable to succeed because you are a woman. I have long advocated to my daughters…there is nothing you are not able to accomplish if you desire and put in the effort to earn it yourself. Unlike your defeatist attitude I told them to not ask if you could achieve something but simply go out and prove it through your actions.

http://www.quintcareers.com/leveraging_womens_work.html

Women Are the New Men: Reviewing and Leveraging Women's Bold New World of Work
by Katharine Hansen, Ph.D.

Recent research suggests that companies helmed by women outperform other companies.

Several experts have asserted that too much testosterone-driven risk-taking behavior may have been behind the financial meltdown of 2008.

For the first time, women outnumber men in the U.S. workforce.
Many experts point to the recession as the reason behind women's ascendancy into the majority of the workforce. Men have been laid off in greater numbers than women -- three-quarters of the 8 million jobs lost were lost by men, Rosin reports -- and industry sectors that have lost the most jobs tend to be those that are historically male-dominated -- such as construction, manufacturing, and finance. So brutally has the recession affected men that Ella L. J. Edmondson Bell, Ph.D., in The Huffington Post, joined others who have called it a "mancession."

Future job growth looks brighter for women, too, with Rosin noting that "of the 15 job categories projected to grow the most in the next decade in the U.S., all but two are occupied primarily by women." Citing economists, Catherine Rampell notes in the New York Times, "The longer-term trend of stronger [female] representation on the nation's payrolls will most likely continue."

Women, now in a majority in middle-management positions, demonstrate leadership qualities that may make them especially well-suited to management.
Citing the Bureau of Labor Statistics, Rosin notes that "women now hold 51.4 percent of managerial and professional jobs -- up from 26.1 percent in 1980. They make up 54 percent of all accountants and hold about half of all banking and insurance jobs. About a third of America's physicians are now women, as are 45 percent of associates in law firms -- and both those percentages are rising fast."

Since the feminist movement began in the 1970s, much research has been conducted on women in management. Early advice suggested that women behave more like men to be good managers and get ahead. Research in the 1990s began to distinguish between men's and women's leadership styles and assert that women possessed certain characteristics particularly well suited to management. In the first decade of the 2000s, research has tended to continue focusing on differences between male and female management traits. :


LOL…My daughter was also asking how she goes about a prenuptial agreement that insures her hard work and effort does not have to go and be split with some guy who wants to live of her hard work….welcome to the guys world was my retort. Both plan on self reliance and independence and appear to be making choices in life that will enable them not to have to live off someone else. I was stupid in it took me to age 30…to settle down and start my career.
 Confuzzled4ever
Joined: 6/9/2005
Msg: 174
is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 4/26/2012 3:32:07 PM
Oh.. so the FACT that the owner of the company who interviewed me SAID that she is really looking for a man for that reason. .means that I have a self defeatist attitude? I don't see it as a road block, it's what my potential employer SAID to me, during my interview. To which I told her I am used to high pressure positions and will do just fine with it. You can quote all the sources you want.. the fact remains that's what the owner of the company SAID to me. Oh and before you say I did anything. They said they really liked me and I'll probably get the second interview.. they just need to be comfortable hiring a WOMAN.

You expect equality between parents.. but it's ok that a single parent raises a child alone? You contradict yourself. I wonder how those statistics would change if BOTH parents supported the child in EVERY case, as is should be! Costs of bills DO go up with the addition of children, you need additional bedrooms, which means a bigger space and higher rent/mortgage, your utilities go up since you now have 2 or more people living in your home and using those utilities, plus your expenses go up since you have to buy everything the child needs. So you DO need to make MUCH more when you raise a child. I'd have a 1 bedroom apartment for hundreds less if I didn't have a child. I'd have much smaller utility bills if there was only 1 person using them, I'd have more time to work and make money and not be a "drain on society"

So if one parent "bails out" of the equation, you expect them to be able to just shirk all their responsibilities, they should just be able to go on as if they didn't create life with another person? That's typical.

Oh and I'm not complaining about a man making more money in the regard that you put it up there. You are the one harping over it. I am upset when one person makes more then another in the same position in the same company esp when those people have similar qualifications for the position and the only difference is gender. but again, I didn't harp about this, you did. I simply think that I financially support my child and so should his father. He won't do it on his own, so I got a child support order. You don't like it? you think that makes me a bad parent or a "drain on society" then so be it.

I really hope you never fall on hard times and have to depend on others to eat. Of course if you did, it might open your eyes to reality.

EDIT: So.. you advocate entering a marriage with the expectation that you will get divorced? I don't think like that and most people don't, if i thought I would end up divorced I wouldn't get married, which is actually what I did do.
 LaValenciano
Joined: 12/30/2010
Msg: 175
is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 4/26/2012 6:13:54 PM
Dam that boils my blood. Tell him that if he want to be a REAL dad hes got to BE a real DAD. LOSER and a DUMB ASS
 ohwhynot46
Joined: 6/28/2009
Msg: 177
view profile
History
is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 7/25/2012 8:48:02 PM

what said the responsibilities end with financial responsibilities. Perhaps this is where we differ? You made a choice as to financial responsibilities versus parenting. I insured my financial requirements and still did the required parenting to insure homework was done. I was there for the school meetings with the teachers….It was because of financial responsibility I was able to provide the dental and extra ordinary expenses that is a requirement of raising ones children. So unlike yourself…rather than making a choice of one or the other…I upheld my financial responsibilities myself….I also maintained the responsibilities required for fully supporting the needs and responsibilities of my children. Perhaps the effort of doing both is something that some feel they are not capable of upholding…or they feel entitled to having others pay for their choices?


Tealwood, you say that you advocate both parents being financially responsible but you continue to hammer a point about one's ability to be SOLELY financially responsible for one's offspring, thus giving the impression that finances alone are the measure of one's parenting skills, and that every individual who has children need be able to support them alone. We differ in many places, but your constant need to twist not only the words of others but even your own words belies more than a hint of a bitterness. I may be mistaken, but if I remember correctly, your children spent some years in the care of their other parent, who was far less than a good role model. True? Perhaps you took time away from parenting to "insure" that you were able to support them financially. Perhaps you were simply lucky.

Quite bold of you to compare us; truth is you know nothing of my "choice". Furthermore, it is not up to YOU to decide that your choice is a better one for anyone. Perhaps your idea of the requirements of parenting differ from mine, perhaps my requirements entail far more than making sure homework is done & attending school conferences. Perhaps it is simply that you weren't raising children under the age of 5 alone, and you have no point of reference. Guess what? Perhaps you are not the end all of every argument. Perhaps you know jack sh&t about the lives of all other single parents. Perhaps the efforts of others are far greater than your own and perhaps those whom you deem as having a sense of entitlement are simply smarter than you are. Get off your high horse & realize that not everyone who thinks differently than you is lazy and irresponsible.
 judgeliz
Joined: 6/28/2012
Msg: 178
is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 7/27/2012 1:29:14 AM
^^^^^^^^Love the post and perspective ohwhynot46, nice try...:)...it isn't the popular opinion!
I am not thinking it will garner any response from Teal or his bandwagon bum buddies! Yeah I am being immature, but hey, I can only be this petty online because I am making the hard choices that I never thought I would have been faced with. I can tell you I am looking forward to the rewards in a few years!

The time with my kids is being spent everyday, whether I like it or not. I personally want to make sure I am spending my time making sure my kids have the memories and support they deserve and need..right now and in the present !!!
I cannot save up this time for my kids to recoup later... it is what it is...and I wouldn't have it any other way because their memories of childhood will be my most cherished ones, and that alone make me a great parent!
 Tealwood
Joined: 12/16/2008
Msg: 179
is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 7/27/2012 10:24:23 PM

I may be mistaken, but if I remember correctly, your children spent some years in the care of their other parent, who was far less than a good role model. True? Perhaps you took time away from parenting to "insure" that you were able to support them financially. Perhaps you were simply lucky.


I was very lucky….as an active and involved parent with my children prior to the separation I was able to stay involved in their lives post separation and not be reduced to part time every other weekend status. I was also the one who was picking them up from daycare on my way home from work. I even had my picture in the local newspaper for Thanksgiving feeding my daughter dinner….LOL…and I was a new client….but the newspaper lady reporter liked a guy in a suit doing the daycare bit.

I would and still do work or do reports after they have gone to bed so my work is spread over the day and into the evening so I make up sometimes the hours that do not get done in normal working hours.

No I do not suggest parenting skills are financial stability alone. I have always done the teacher interviews and the doctor visits for both….and also post and prior separation. The assisting in homework and insuring they get their work done.


Furthermore, it is not up to YOU to decide that your choice is a better one for anyone.


Yet you have no problem or issue of advocating the financial responsibility of the non custodial parent…and calling them out when they are not doing the full effort required…..which I have never disagreed on…only suggesting the requirements of full employment or full effort be equally held for both custodial and non custodial parents….something you fail to address or accept as you give and have advocated custodial mothers should have that choice or their choice is acceptable if they are their for their children…something working parents either single or happy married are as well…just a little more hard working.


Perhaps you know jack sh&t about the lives of all other single parents. Perhaps the efforts of others are far greater than your own and perhaps those whom you deem as having a sense of entitlement are simply smarter than you are. Get off your high horse & realize that not everyone who thinks differently than you is lazy and irresponsible.


LOL…I am perfectly aware there are many far brighter individuals than I….a few who are retired at early 50 as they were careful and worked hard while they were younger and now have the choice in not working…and not hooking up with a single father with custody and who pays all the bills and does not receive any child support…she did not see it as prudent hooking up with someone who was not as financially capable as she was….but then…when she was early 20’s with children and diapers I was single and care free….different strokes….but she and many other single woman are and have a financial self reliance….something to admired…as opposed to the single mother who is unable to pay her own way and still whines about what she does not collect from her ex.

And then you got poor saps like Cappy….shared 50/50 custody and he is still paying cs….because his ex is not required and does not feel it is her responsibility to also hold down gainful employment…….Yes I was very lucky….I had to pay spousal support in one large lump sum and never had to pay for her again….some other guy is now paying her bills…..
 judgeliz
Joined: 6/28/2012
Msg: 180
is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 7/27/2012 11:14:08 PM
I would and still do work or do reports after they have gone to bed so my work is spread over the day and into the evening so I make up sometimes the hours that do not get done in normal working hours. ~Tealwood~

^^^Well then...It certainly sounds like you had the luxury of having an already established career when you became a single parent Teal..I mean really...how many employers will let you take your work home to spread accross your bed so you can work on it...later? I wonder if the country club I work at a few nights a week will let me bring home the days reciepts so I can spread them on my bed and get to them later?..lol
Gimme a break..can you say attention whore?...good lawrd...I swear these forums make me feel better about myself after reading the crap in these threads ;)
 Confuzzled4ever
Joined: 6/9/2005
Msg: 181
is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 7/28/2012 9:51:22 AM
~~~~~
I was very lucky
~~~
Exactly.. You were lucky. You had a decent job before the separation, you had the the parent still around after you got custody and the other parent was there before you got custody. You had a job where you could work from home (I would have LOVED that when my son was a baby). the woman you refer to.. who had a baby when she was in her 20s.. did she struggle then? I bet she did.. and now she's a good productive member of society with a good job. So she's a good person but a women who is starting where she did is not? Why? It takes TIME to get raises at a job, it takes EXPERIENCE to get promotions. Of which a 20 something of either gender hasn't had yet. I wasn't lucky enough to have all of this under my belt prior to becoming a mommy. Most of us aren't. Doesn't mean I don't love my child and take care of him properly.

~~~~~~~
the financial responsibility of the non custodial parent
~~~~~~~
that's right.. because when a non custodial parent ISN'T THERE physically and doesn't help raise the child, it is MUCH harder to work. As daycare costs are very high and salaries are very low and even school age kids aren't at school for 9 hours a day and you HAVE to be at the bus stop up until I think 4th grade or they don't drop your child off. .I know people with Master's degree working for 12 bucks an hour because there is no work, that will not cover daycare and living expenses if they were a single parent. Especially when their support payments would MAKE that daycare possible. When you have to defer 500-1000 a month to daycare it is MUCH harder to pay all the other bills in your household. When the non custodial parent doesn't contribute in anyway, it may not be a do able expense for the single parent. Now.. if non custodial parent was involved and stuck around, then some kind of deal could be struck to where either a work schedule is worked out so they don/t need the daycare, or they both pay for half, which might make it affordable. That's the REALITY of it. Not the "luck" of some versus everyone else.
 BountyHunterMike
Joined: 10/5/2011
Msg: 182
is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 8/2/2012 6:13:10 AM
there are two sides to ever story!! Like to hear his on this one.
 Confuzzled4ever
Joined: 6/9/2005
Msg: 183
is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 8/3/2012 6:09:40 PM
to my story??

I can tell you what he says... Pretty much the opposite of what I say except for a few things that we actually agree on. No mystery there.
 SpittyKitty
Joined: 5/2/2011
Msg: 184
is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 8/3/2012 9:02:22 PM
I've read all of the posts. Many of these are heartwrenching and frustrating. Some are simply scary.
I can't wait for the day when our children are grown and I don't have to deal with my ex and his problems anymore.
I could tell all of the sordid details of our lives to give my reasons for feeling that way, but I don't even want to bother. It is what it is. All I can do is try my best and keep from the worst.

That's all any of us can do. Size the situation up as much as possible and try to do damage control.
I hope my boys turn out okay. I haven't had the best time of my life dealing with my ex's problems.
As a matter of fact, for me I would choose to never see him again. But the boys want to love their father....
So, for THEM I try my best. For THEY are the single most important thing I will ever DO in life.
My limitations and choices are weighed out in my mind, with THEIR (not my) best interests at heart.

Basically, my ex sucks big fat weenies and I am sick to death of his sh!t
To the children? They receive another story. One that allows them to have and love their father as much as their hearts drive them to. I "monitor" and keep them safe and whole, inside and out.
I may as well beat my head against the wall to try and change him.
He is who he is.
It is what it is.
Depressing? Maddening? Frustrating? Exhausting? Dangerous? Debilitating? Expensive?
I gave up on my dreams...
I won't take their's away.
THAT is the gift I can give them.
Love.
 phil127
Joined: 7/24/2009
Msg: 185
view profile
History
is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 8/10/2012 9:22:37 AM
It sounds like this guy is kind of an idiot and doesn't realize what it means to be a father.Maybe he will as he spends more time with his daughter,but its no guarantee. Don't cut him off,but try to maybe talk to him in a non-confrontational way about his role.Don't bring up money though,because its a sure way to drive him away.Just little stuff,such as you mentioned changing a diaper or feeding or taht kind of thing. Baby steps.The thing is that he needs to realize for himself what a special thing he has.If he continues to be such a dissapointment,your daughter will hopefully be smart enough to figure out on her own that he is not a good father and while it can be painful for her,its better for her to see the truth on her own than to have you decide it for her.the only way you should cut him off is if he is abusive. hope that helps.
 booserinc
Joined: 9/13/2011
Msg: 186
is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 8/13/2012 1:56:17 PM
well theres allways the way some guys are. my father has very little to do with any grand babies born into the family. As soon as the babies get to crawling or walking hes the best grandpa ever. Some guys are like that when it comes to babies. I know they shouldn't be. Can't change it though. 3 months isn't a real long time to make a big judgment. If the guy is a good father and you keep the child from him then in the end it will kick you in the butt. It went that way with me and all it did was cause emotional stress on my son. I got my custody and take great care of him and his sister. Do whats right. In the end things will be ok!
 yankeest03
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 187
is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 8/20/2012 7:41:37 PM
If the man truly loves his daughter he would help you out financially,and make his daughter first and foremost priority of his life over friends,sisters,brothers,parents anybody she come first... His daughter deserves all of his free time and he needs to step up and be a man .I would take him to court for child support and make him support his daughter because its his responsibility to support his daughter.There is a big differance when a man is around his children,because any man can put on a show and act like they truly love their kid/kids..but only a true man who loves his kid/kids would do everything and anything that a true father is suppose to do for his children...he cant bond with his daughter only spending 30 mins a day twice a week.I would tell him to get his ass in gear and step up...because the courts will make his choice for him if he cant step up...it will hit him like a brick wall.... I am a father of a 2 year old son,and i cant stand deadbeats...Any man that doesnt spend quality time with his family isnt a man but only a child who wishes he can become a man...
 rich-dee
Joined: 5/13/2012
Msg: 188
is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 8/21/2012 8:34:02 AM
how about dead beat moms ???
 yankeest03
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 189
is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 8/21/2012 1:44:47 PM
It goes both ways for parents.I am very surprised at some women who are deadbeats.I dont expect something like this coming from a women.
 judgeliz
Joined: 6/28/2012
Msg: 190
is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 8/30/2012 12:40:19 AM
juicyfruit83 on 7/1/2006 1036 PM
Subject: is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Message: I'm a first time mom of a 3 month old baby girl, who is my world . Her dad comes around when it's convienient for him, maybe a half hour, twice a week. He doesn't help me out financially and he wont even change her diaper. When he is with her I can tell that he loves her but he doesn't do any of the stuff a dad is suppose to do. Is it better to let him be around when it is convienient for him or should I tell him to beat it? I don't want to deny my daughter of her dad but I also don't want her to get hurt from his lack of being a father.



^^^^Want to put everyones focus on the real origin of this thread!
My opinion juicyfruit is to set some very clear boundaries for this guy when it comes to being around your child. Being a parent is a privelledge emotionally, but an obligation legally. Make sure that this guy is not confusing the two responsibilities and using your emotions right now for his adavantage. Better a fairy tale (deceased) Dad than a dead beat emotionally manipulating man in your child's life!
Just my opion though....Any man worth his salt will step up...or hopefully step aside if he can't hack it.
Tough spot..I have been there...done that...My advice is to enjoy your lil one and find the joy and acertain the future sooner than later.
 Greg19899
Joined: 10/10/2011
Msg: 191
is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 9/5/2012 8:01:53 AM
No one needs a deadbeat Dad or Mother in their child's life. If he/she isn't contributing, show them the door. The childs needs a good role model, regardless of gender. If you are a unemployed deadbeat who doesn't support your kids, but are capable of working..you don't belong in the childs life.
 ohwhynot46
Joined: 6/28/2009
Msg: 192
view profile
History
is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 9/5/2012 6:28:24 PM
as opposed to the single mother who is unable to pay her own way and still whines about what she does not collect from her ex.


Not being able to pay your own way, as you put it, doesn't absolve your child's other parent from their responsibility. Chances are that that other parent was well aware that you were incapable of supporting yourself, much less a child, yet they still chose to have one with you. More likely than not, that other parent, agreed, by word, action, or both, to support you. Either way, one has little to do with the absolute right of any parent to expect their child's other parent to contribute. Do you really believe that, in the cases of which you speak, the ex who doesn't pay cs is willing to take on the responsibility of their children? More likely than not, no, they are not. They don't support them and they are not willing to raise them or take on the responsibility of a cp. You continually compare apples to oranges, and it simply doesn't work.


And then you got poor saps like Cappy….shared 50/50 custody and he is still paying cs….because his ex is not required and does not feel it is her responsibility to also hold down gainful employment


While I wouldn't exactly call Cappy a "poor sap", undoubtedly he contributed far more than 50% to the expenses of his family prior to the split. His ex is not required to do more than what was agreed upon by THE TWO OF THEM prior to the split, in fairness to their children. We don't, regardless of what you post, have any idea what his ex feels. Honestly, even if she is wrong & he is b*tching about it, I see in Cappy what is more the norm: he would provide anyway, he would simply bi!ch less if it were chosen rather than forced upon him. More of us than not acknowledge our responsibility, sacrifice so our kids don't have to & provide to the best of our ability. Certainly, we b!tch, but that is our right. Two wrongs don't make a right.
 greedy76
Joined: 4/22/2012
Msg: 193
is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 9/5/2012 7:01:01 PM
Just like a boy have to grow into manhood & some men are just still boys. And a man that have a baby dont make them a father.
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