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 CanadianChic2006
Joined: 5/6/2006
Msg: 257
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?Page 11 of 13    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)

It's an addiction to drama. Emotional programming. And co-dependency


Are you serious?? Women that are in abusive relationships don't stay in them because they are additcted to drama, emotionally programed or co-dependant...
They stay in them because they fear for their life, and quite often they fear for their childs life as well.

I stayed in an abusive relationship, because the first time I tried leaving I had been married for a year and I was 3 months pregnant, and when he promised to get counselling, I thought ok... I owe it to my marriage... I owe it to my unborn child to try again...

As soon as we got in the car to drive home, he looked at me... and with a large sly smile on his face, said, if you ever try and leave again, I'll slit your throat.

The abuse continued, although never physically again, it turned to financial, emotional, and phsyocological. Before I left I was convinced (after him telling me how incapable I was at being a parent) and that my child really didn't need me... that is the kind of thing that rocks your very being. It got to the point I would BEG him to hit me... that way I would at least have proof for the cops that yes I was being abused.

I tried going to the police a number of times, they were nice enough to say it was my word against his word... even when they could see the red marks on my neck from when he had held me up against the wall by my throat... luckily the neighbours heard my screams that time, called the cops, and threathened to break the door in if he didn't open it..

What got me out?? He threatened to take my child to another country... I remember crying trying to figure out how I could fight him (his parents are wealthy)... And I remember my daughter who was 2 at the time, taking me out of the room, leading me away from his yelling and abusive talk, she sat me down looked in my eyes, and wiped my tears... I prayed to God that night... to keep us safe...

The next morning, we left to get my daughter a hair cut... and we never looked back... we left with the clothes on our backs.

I applaude all of the other brave souls (men & women both) who have gotten out and have stayed out... to those of you in abusive relationships... it's not too late... it's never to late to get out... get out and stay out... it's not worth staying.
 NocturnalPrincess
Joined: 8/26/2006
Msg: 258
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 4/29/2009 5:45:13 PM
My next door neighbors called the police, because the people upstairs were going at it, and they could hear here screaming and stuff getting tossed around. He is a muscular Hispanic, and she is a rather passive Caucasian female, but my guess would be that she is no saint, either.

When the police got there, she giggled and said there was nothing wrong.

I can write pamphlets on the cycle of abuse, but there is absolutely nothing anyone can do for someone that does not want to take steps to help oneself!
 BeachCutiepie
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 259
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History
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 4/29/2009 5:59:59 PM
Some women are codependent meaning they feel like they have to be with someone to survive or be happy. Others just can't "see the "light because they are "blinded" by "love".
No matter how much someone tells them they are being treated badly, they won't listen until they discover it for themselves.
 oncebtntwcshy
Joined: 4/25/2009
Msg: 260
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 4/29/2009 8:05:07 PM
totally agree with this post, after so long you believe their controlling bs, you had to raise your kids, you didn't make enough money to make it alone, hard as it is to believe, low-rent housing used to be really bad places to raise your kids alone. So you stay, hoping they'll change hoping it gets better. But it doesn't. Most of these abusers are self-centered, self-serving, spoiled individuals that were never told no. Or never had a good example set for them by one or both of their parents. For a lot of women it is a major self-esteem issue, like they married him cause they believed no one else would ever ask. It is sad, sad, sad. I stayed for my kids, I stayed cause until they were older I couldn't support them, I stayed because I was stubborn and wanted to prove my mom and my sister and my brother wrong, that I hadn't made a bad choice from the beginning. Thinking it would eventually work out. After 30 yrs finally gave up and moved on but not without severe hurts and wounds to me and to my kids.

Big time insecurity and not feeling good about yourself gets women in this kind of a relationship. Get counseling, get help, get out. You are better than you give yourself credit for. No one should be abused physically or mentally. Life is really too short and the damage will be with you for a long, long time.
 scottsvb
Joined: 3/24/2008
Msg: 261
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 4/29/2009 9:17:13 PM
anyone who stays in a abusive relationship is a idiot...and I dont want to hear the excuss..."hes the father of my kids"!
 MeNmyshadow
Joined: 12/16/2006
Msg: 262
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History
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 4/29/2009 9:40:36 PM
I stayed because he threatened to kill me and our children. I was in fear of my life and my children's. I was not allowed access to the phone or vehicle. I was beaten half to death in front of my 2 yr old. I finally contacted a center that assisted women in planning an escape from a abusive situation. After I finally got out he tried to burn my Dad's house and my Dad is a cop. He killed my 11 yr old cat that he left on my Dad's lawn along with my childrens and my belongings. He took my kids hamsters, put them in a plastic bags and he threw them from his moving vehicle. As simple as some may assume it's easy to leave that's not true alot of times.
 MeNmyshadow
Joined: 12/16/2006
Msg: 263
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History
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 4/29/2009 9:46:39 PM
I have concluded that someone that would reply that the abused women is an idiot is either
A) an idiot
or
B) an abuser
 barbee1970
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 264
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 4/29/2009 9:55:00 PM
I know someone like that at work "she needs the ex felon" she says.

But, then she goes around begging for food, clothes, asking people for phone #s and addresses. I would not give mine. Other people think I'm cruel, but I am not an enabler. I don't want him, the kids, the dog, all the drama around, sorry. I won't even have a guy like that.

He should consider himself lucky to have a gf whom he could treat any old way.
 NocturnalPrincess
Joined: 8/26/2006
Msg: 265
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 4/30/2009 1:51:02 PM
How do women get involved with men like this anyway, and get in so deep that they cannot get out?

It boggles my mind when I see some women jump through hoops to get their Babies' daddy out of jail for a felony, decline to prosecute after he has just beaten her to a pulp, and the reason is that she loves him. This is a very perverse form of love!
 deer209
Joined: 4/18/2009
Msg: 266
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 4/30/2009 2:18:58 PM
They have esteem issues.... and in many instances their parents were abusive or violent. They are living in darkness and isolation.. feeling trapped ...it's like brainwashing...It's so difficult to convince some of these women to pack up and go.... and then again they fear for their lives.
 MeNmyshadow
Joined: 12/16/2006
Msg: 267
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History
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 4/30/2009 5:25:12 PM
In my situation my ex husband was prince charming. Never did he abuse in any way until we were married. We did not live together when we dated. I have gained alot of knowledge on how to prevent falling into that same position. I do believe that alot of women that become abused is due to being abused as a child, which entails brainwashing.
 stealth122148
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 268
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 4/30/2009 5:25:16 PM
I sure don't know the answer to this.

I was just remembering the other day about a man who, when he got mad at this wife would take off his belt and beat her with it.
I was a child and witness to this as was their 5 children.

She remained with him.

I heard the phrase one time. " They stay with or go back to the devil they know best."

Now this was years ago . Today there are to many organizations out there for anyone to have to take abuse.
I remember someone saying " your only a victim as long as you allow it." I think they might just be right.
 good guy75
Joined: 3/25/2008
Msg: 269
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/1/2009 6:56:26 AM
yea but bye then your damaged goods.then you meet a good guy like me and you think something is wrong because i live a drama free life.hey if a women likes this leave us good guys alone.
 NJgirl116
Joined: 7/3/2015
Msg: 270
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 4/10/2016 10:05:45 PM

Why do some women stay in verbaly abusive relationships? I know guys who will purposly treat their girlfriends as bad as they can and say horrible things to them... yet... these girls still stick around. What's with that... are they really that weak that they can't pull theirselves away, I'm not talking about physicaly abusive.. but verbal. It's like they crave the attention of an ***hole and just love it when they get shat all over.

Would like to comment on this. I invite everyone to share my joy. My mom has done this... stuck around. Not weak, more of a rut, long history, age and lack of energy for fresh drama... but it's been a week that she's been sleeping at home. A major accomplishment - she's not under his watch 24/7. She's allowed to be at home alone! with me! Because being with me alone was not allowed. We went to church and he followed us there and back. We had to go to Verizon store, so he drove her separately, even though I drove my car the same direction.

So today I'm happy. It's a late night Sunday, don't feel the greatest yet, but change is coming. Here is what I just posted in my thread at the forum for abused women:

"Just wanted to let you ladies know that things are better. She sleeps at home now. We have quiet mornings together, just the two of us. Grandma's picture is there, and her parents' pictures. There are all with us in spirit. It's so new and so nice. We talk, smile and have breakfast together, and talk about our day. Such simple things, but for the first time since I can remember. We cleaned the house. I paid for the window washing, she is paying for the sofa washing. We discuss things, plan meals and shop - all like a normal adult mother and daughter. Before it was just silence or fights, total alienation.

Now, I thought we could now go have coffee, like I always wanted - she said she is still "not allowed." Well... I'm happy I get as much as I do these days, though.

I'm more motivated to change my life. I joined a yoga studio that I really, really like. It's more challenging and fun than a basic yoga studio. They have heat that they can turn up and down, burn oil, use weights and other equipment. There is some meditation, something healing there too. I'll definitely keep coming back.

Giving up the bars is still painful, but I think I can allow myself some of this joy, just more regulated... and do other things as well such as meetups, concerts, all the things I always wanted to do if I wasn't so darn sluggish and tired from the alcohol. It's about time I wrap up this habit, but it has served its purpose in the past few years when Grandma started going down, the abuse began, and the job issues were serious. I had no one to talk to me, or laugh with me, or be interested in what I had to say - I found it at the bar, and the money was not wasted. I could have had more expensive clothes, but not had that emotional pick-me up? I have money, but tend to buy used clothes on ebay and do just fine with those.

I feel a new life coming, although it's not yet here. Both me and mom are making our lives healthier in small steps.

It would be nice to meet someone, although with my background I harbor abandonment issues and memories of rejection by men, that still hurt. I don't quite want children; I'm not sure if I want marriage; I do like the idea of meeting a good looking man with intelligence and a deep soul, and dating him; I should sit and think about what I want.

Thank you, ladies, for the support I have received here. I don't want to be a stranger."
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 271
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Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 4/10/2016 10:08:46 PM
If it is verbal abuse and the girls love the guys for some reason I guess they feel they will just put up with it.

It is a complex issue and stems from early days and childhood. Low self esteem is at the heart of it all and perhaps fear. Even worse is when physical abuse occurs.

However we don't really know what goes on behind closed doors and do not know both sides of the story.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 272
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Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 4/10/2016 11:39:05 PM

I stayed because he threatened to kill me and our children. I was in fear of my life and my children's. I was not allowed access to the phone or vehicle. I was beaten half to death in front of my 2 yr old. I finally contacted a center that assisted women in planning an escape from a abusive situation. After I finally got out he tried to burn my Dad's house and my Dad is a cop. He killed my 11 yr old cat that he left on my Dad's lawn along with my childrens and my belongings. He took my kids hamsters, put them in a plastic bags and he threw them from his moving vehicle.

WOW. Thankfully, a vast majority of women who've been in an abusive relationship aren't in that deep. That's crazy!

I have concluded that someone that would reply that the abused women is an idiot is either A) an idiot or B) an abuser

Even though what he/she wrote was hasty & rude without further explanation, to be fair, he said one who Stays in a Relationship of abuse... where, I'm sure he/she implied was that it was one they could get out of (as many are and implied the type implied by the OP), and certainly not one in the ballpark range of what you had to go thru.

Unfortunately, many girls (and fewer guys) will be in abusive relationships but they stick in it when they can get out. But, even in really bad relationships in general, people unfortunately stay for far too long.
 LAgoodguy
Joined: 8/21/2008
Msg: 273
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 4/11/2016 7:01:22 AM
There is no one reason why people stay in an abusive relationship. Some times its a combination of reasons.
Its so complex that you cant really talk about it here.
I set in court where a very smart pretty woman who does well for herself. Got the shit beat out of her by her BF. The judge tried to get her help, people talked to her. She wont listen she wanted him back she loved him she said.

I had a friend who always ended up meeting abusive guys. She figured out that she was attracted to some of there behavior, take charge kind, how they seem to talk with confidence things like that. Which is common as many of the women would keep moving from one abusive relationship to the next. Same thing just different guy. As you must say on this forum not all women are like that.
She finally did meet a good man. She had to give a chance to a guy that she would normally not be attracted to. No idea if they stayed together or not as I lost contact with her.

Many of the abusive men out there are really good at treating the woman good at the beginning and what some people would call COURTING. Some of those guys would one day beat her up and the next have a romantic dinner. Women don't know what to make of the him and stay . Before they even know it they blame themselves for when ever he beats them. You would often hear the men say that she made him do it.
 rockstartrucker82
Joined: 11/22/2015
Msg: 274
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History
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 4/11/2016 7:51:45 AM

I have concluded that someone that would reply that the abused women is an idiot is either
A) an idiot
or
B) an abuser


I know. I think we should work on fixing this. There should be some phone number that you can go to a neighbor's house and call, something easy, 3 numbers max, that will connect you directly to police who are capable of either arresting the abusive BF, or getting you out of there and bringing you to somewhere safe, where he's not going to find you. But we might need to get some safe places, like shelters or something, built.

Then we should start giving guys classes... Like, if you're going to be abusive, teach them how to show signs of it early, like being verbally abusive, talking down to the girl, acting like an ***hole. Too many times, you can't tell if the guy is acting like he's a jerk because he's a jerk, or if he's being a jerk because he's genuinely nice. It's very confusing. If we get some universal way of acting, like limiting acting abusive to only the abusive people, this might give women some warning early on that maybe this guy isn't the perfect boyfriend she thinks he is.

Now the women who really do end up with someone that snaps, and ends up to the point where it's reasonable to assume he's a threat to her life, that's a really huge deal... But 9/10 abusive relationships you see the girl stuck in, it's as simple as calling 911 the next time she goes to work. Or she can just leave. Drive to her parent's house and problem solved. She makes a choice to stay, because she loves him and he cares so much about her.


I tried going to the police a number of times, they were nice enough to say it was my word against his word... even when they could see the red marks on my neck from when he had held me up against the wall by my throat... luckily the neighbours heard my screams that time, called the cops, and threathened to break the door in if he didn't open it..


Depending on how long ago this was, I'd looking into talking to a lawyer. ANY domestic violence claim is supposed to be taken very seriously. Police aren't supposed to just send you back home.
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 275
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History
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 4/11/2016 8:12:38 AM
WHY?

!. The day to day life, in an abusive / dysfunctional environment, as one remembers from their past/ most often childhood /makes one believe ALL is NORMAL .

(The word NORMAL is misused when referring to healthy situations or emotionally/physically healthy circumstances.
NORMAL refers to: As things ARE/ as they usually are, on a day to day basis.)

2.It is all we know, it is normal. We don't realize it is UN-NORMAL./UN-HEALTHY.
3. Fear of abandonment
4. Fear of being alone
5. Strong religious back ground, religious beliefs.
6. FEAR



.................really good at treating the woman good at the beginning and what some people would call COURTING. Some of those guys would one day beat her up and the next have a romantic dinner. Women don't know what to make of the him and stay . Before they even know it they blame themselves for when ever he beats them. You would often hear the men say that she made him do it.


GASLIGHTING ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ at it's best.

I have written of this in the Forums in the past. It is easy for those on the outside to judge /place blame on the victim.
My turning point came during my first marriage to a man ,identical to my father. I mustered up enough courage to attend a support group. When it came time to introduce myself, I stated, "My husband thinks I'm crazy".
Everyone in the room laughed at me. I thought, as I burst into tears, OMG WTH have I done?
The woman next to me put her arm over my shoulder, "Honey, she says, We are not laughing AT you. We are laughing because everyone here in this room, IS crazy! Our husbands/wives, BF's, GF's have ALL told us, Nothing wrong with me, YOU are crazy!"

Left my abusive husband 6 months later, dealt with my mother and her abusive marriage, read books, sought professional help, went to therapy, and joined a support group. And did all of the above as though my very life depended on it. I vowed to not raise my children in a dysfunctional home. Gave my mother the encouragement she needed to LEAVE and STAY AWAY from/divorce my father.YES, I have been to hell and back.

That was 23-32 years ago. Life is good!

EDIT:

I tried going to the police a number of times, they were nice enough to say it was my word against his word... even when they could see the red marks on my neck from when he had held me up against the wall by my throat...


Police in the ER, snickered as they told me, "Go file on Monday, his word against yours, and good luck with that." 13 stitches in my neck, broken beer bottle. At that time the law required the victim to file a complaint. The law has since then been changed. The state of Michigan now files the charge/s
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 276
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 4/11/2016 10:24:51 AM
funny, I saw Cynderellla's profile pic, and thought that some physical attractiveness doesn't change with age, it can be universal. Congrats NJ on the accomplishment. My general take-a-way is people do what they do for a reason...we might compare that reason to our reasons, and judge it. label it. its how we "understand" it. but why do we need to understand it? what ramification does it have on the reasoning process we employ in our own lives? if what we do works for us...isn't that enough?
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 277
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 4/12/2016 4:05:40 PM

In my situation my ex husband was prince charming. Never did he abuse in any way until we were married. We did not live together when we dated.


In cases like this, I have to wonder if the abuser was "Prince Charming" to everyone else as well, or just to the eventual abused person. It is difficult to believe that so many people can hide such a dark side from EVERYONE in their life, in ALL instances, for years upon years, and then undergo such a radical change all of a sudden.


Many of the abusive men out there are really good at treating the woman good at the beginning and what some people would call COURTING. Some of those guys would one day beat her up and the next have a romantic dinner. Women don't know what to make of the him and stay .


I know what to make of him.
Loser.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 278
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 4/12/2016 4:28:59 PM
FWIW, I met a fellow back at university, raised in a physically abusive home. His sister married a wife beater, they got divorced, she picked up a second one who was Prince Charming, including to the nurse mom who ignored her husband beating anyone within reach. Abusive husband would buy parents-in-laws all sorts of gifts and the like, and they apparently enjoyed selling out their daughter. Meanwhile the fellow I met, taking all sorts of social courses in school to figure out what happened to him, met a woman he suspected was beating her daughter, but he needed a place to stay. So he took in what he suspected she was doing, and thought, "I know how to handle this, I learned how to defuse my father" rather than thinking,"wow, this is nuts, i'm going to avoid this situation and find someone else to live with."

he went with what he knew from childhood, and she nearly choked him out one night in bed. Far as I know, they're still together.
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 279
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 4/13/2016 8:24:05 AM
Sad stuff.

Even kind people who are not abusive will tolerate abuse if that's all life has shown them.

I met a gal once that couldn't accept my kindness and would result to shaming, belittling me and making fun of my past.

Apparently, her ex was a Prince Charming that cheated on her.

Now she's got this faulty script that says kindness is bad.

So, she's stuck in a vicious loop and will only take serious the men that are a$$holes to her.

I never did become the a$$hole she wanted and walked away.
 rockstartrucker82
Joined: 11/22/2015
Msg: 280
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History
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 4/13/2016 7:56:23 PM

In cases like this, I have to wonder if the abuser was "Prince Charming" to everyone else as well, or just to the eventual abused person. It is difficult to believe that so many people can hide such a dark side from EVERYONE in their life, in ALL instances, for years upon years, and then undergo such a radical change all of a sudden.


There's a reason I keep sticking to these two thoughts:

If he seems like he might be a jerk, he is.
and
Dating a genuinely good guy is as simple as just dating a genuinely good guy.

Everyone I know that's ended up in these situations, it was pretty much only them that he was such a great guy to. Everyone else saw him acting like a complete****to everyone, and her.
 NJgirl116
Joined: 7/3/2015
Msg: 281
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 4/13/2016 8:12:55 PM

Everyone I know that's ended up in these situations, it was pretty much only them that he was such a great guy to. Everyone else saw him acting like a complete****to everyone, and her.

Ain't that the truth.
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