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 NocturnalPrincess
Joined: 8/26/2006
Msg: 139
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?Page 3 of 13    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
Without doing extensive research, only walking through the trenches, I can tell everyone that often domestic violence gets worse during a woman's pregnancy though I do not know why that is.
Isolation is one of the many tools of control that an abuser uses.
Did you ever hear the parable of the boy walking along the beach covered with thousands of starfish, hurtling them back towards the water, one by one? Someone comes along and asks the boy what he is doing, and he says he is trying to save the starfish before they all die. The man says there is no way he can save them all, and the boy says that he is trying to save as many as he can, and even if he only saves one, then that is still one life saved.
The domestic cases that bother me the most are the ones in which a child calls, because back around 1978 I was that terrified child calling. I was terrified of the violence, and terrified to make that call, but the violence had escalated to the point where I was terrified to not make that call. That happened twice.
I will call the twenty-one year old gal that I reached out to my little project. There is a huge liklihood that she will wind up choosing another abuser, unfortunately. Nevertheless, I was able to plant some seeds, and it turns out that the detective gave her some information with resources and a support network, and now it is a matter of if she chooses to use it.
I had told this young woman that I have a dog with four legs instead of two: He doesn't work; I pay all of the bills; When I get home I have to feed him; I have to clean up after him...I told her the only difference between my dog and her boyfriend is that my dog doesn't abuse me!
A lot of the people writing are not the people that are caught up in The Cycle of Abuse. I genuinely hope that this thread is reaching the people that are caught up in it and that they take some steps to get out of those relationships and restore their self-esteems.
 NocturnalPrincess
Joined: 8/26/2006
Msg: 140
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 1/5/2008 5:12:45 AM
Re: Cindy

If the cops had come and asked you to write a statement that he had beaten you, would you have signed it and then watched him get hauled off to jail. Would you have then gone to the prosecutor and gone to court on this matter, or even if he were arrested against your cooperation, would you have been the one who bailed him out of jail?
I know that my Department has a policy that arrest is the preferred option if one can determine the primary physical aggressor, but when you hear an address and know the names before the dispatcher even tells you, that is bad! "Barbara, what is the problem today?"
At some point people have to take steps to help themselves. We as law enforcement can only help a person as far as they want to help themselves. Granted, I am a dork that collects resources to help people. Most of the time, when I do an out of curiosity inquiry, the Victims do not do their parts of the follow-ups and they are right back with their abusers doing the same old same old, hoping that it will get better, hoping the abuse will go away and that they can live blissfully in the HONEYMOON PHASE.
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 141
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 1/5/2008 5:23:07 AM
Victims do not do their parts of the follow-ups and they are right back with their abusers doing the same old same old, hoping that it will get better, hoping the abuse will go away and that they can live blissfully in the HONEYMOON PHASE.


Right on the mark. Been there and done that - barely survived yet I did obviously. And in every intervention for lack of a better word was a seed that took root. Maybe it didn't appear to make a difference at the time, but in the end - it was all a cumulative part of the process of getting out.
 oregonmeetsmesa
Joined: 9/22/2005
Msg: 143
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 1/6/2008 11:34:29 PM
I think because they are afraid to leave and or always hope he will change
 NocturnalPrincess
Joined: 8/26/2006
Msg: 144
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 1/7/2008 3:32:43 AM
blahblah,
In many ways, I am like an outsider on the inside in the world of law enforcement. It often does become very depressing, because I still tend to wear my heart upon my sleeve.
I have learned to pick and choose my battles, and some people really are pretty hopeless and not worth battling over. When I was a rookie, I came into the job with the idea that if I could make a positive impact on just one person's life, then my existence on this planet made a difference. I have done that, but somehow I have still held onto that idealism even though I know I cannot save the world.
One thing that frustrates me is when a woman says that she keeps trying to break up with a boyfriend, but he won't let her! Obviously she isn't trying very hard, by taking his calls and agreeing to meet up with him.
On the other hand, I have an archive of resources that I have collected of all of the women that wind up dead when they finally make that decision to finally get away.
One man in NYC went to the bar where his girlfriend was a bartender. He had purchased a drink, then jumped over the bar and shot her, and shot her, and shot her. This was in public view and captured on surveillance video.
More often than not, people who are Victims are Victims of their own bad choices, and the help you offer to them that is available, they do not take for whatever reasons (fear, economic, for the children, self-esteem).Children are also Victims in households of abuse, and have a high propensity of becoming abusers or abusees.
Also, I learned that the APL works with animals that are Victims of dysfunctional households, to place critters in foster homes while the Victims reestablish themselves. Family pets also become Victims, and many times abusers of people are also abusers of family pets.
 nycdoctor
Joined: 8/2/2005
Msg: 146
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 1/7/2008 5:31:17 AM
the guy might be HOT and they are too lazy to move to a new relationship
 Sharzi
Joined: 10/6/2007
Msg: 149
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/19/2008 7:37:59 AM
As someone who was in a very verbally abusive marriage for a long time, I would like to answer this.

From the get-go, abusive men are very adept at making you believe you are responsible for their rages or rants. Normally these men are very loving and sweet until they have you, so when the outbursts start and they blame you or something you did, you think maybe it's true because he wasn't like that before.

So, you spend your time trying to be a better person, not *cause* the rage. Your self-esteem takes a dive, and eventually you hate yourself for not being the best person you can be and causing this otherwise loving man to be angry.

Over time you're backed into a corner so much so, there doesn't seem to be a way out. Eventually, your only hope to escape that corner is right through him. You start to realize you were NOT the reason for his reactions. You did NOTHING wrong. And, then you find a way to get out.

But there is a problem that still exists. After so long being told you were bad or responsible, and your self-esteem being that low, it takes a while to ever feel worthy again, and maybe you never will.

It took me a long time to know that I am worthy, that I am a good person and deserve to be loved with a gentle hand.

OP... don't think for one minute that we craved their attention. What we craved was love and never felt worthy of it.

Sharzi
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 156
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/19/2008 3:31:26 PM

How about a better question; why do some men abuse their girlfriends/wives in the first place?


Even better: Why does anyone abuse anyone in the first place?
 Bluesman2008
Joined: 4/2/2008
Msg: 157
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/19/2008 4:01:30 PM

It is not an attraction at all..you are dead wrong. I was married to an abuser for 6 yrs. the abuser is very controlling in one way or another, threats and such.


Actually, you're wrong but not for the reasons you suspect. You are attracted to an abusive personality but you're simply not aware of it. Few rational women walk out the front door in the morning saying "wow, I really wish I could a find someone to abuse me". It's not quite that simplistic. If that was the case, no woman would be abused. If you were in an abusive relationship for that long, you didn't see it coming, you didn't acknowledge it when you did see it and you didn't do anything about it until it got to be too much to bear. But believe it or not, you DID seek that out without ever realizing it.


Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?


Fear, lack of self-esteem, not appreciating yourself, feeling you deserve it or don't deserve better. There's a variety of reasons women get into and don't get out of those relationships. The abused always enables the abuser. The abuser couldn't abuse if he didn't find someone to go along with the program. Now that fear can be a real factor. But, there are always avenues of escape if you're courageous enough to make the move.


Even better: Why does anyone abuse anyone in the first place?


Their way of relating to women is to control them. They can only do that by verbal, physical and/or emotion abuse or some mix of all of it. But those attitudes invariably come from the way they're raised. If they have an abusive father, that's the way they see a "normal" relationship so, as an adult, they go out and seek women who'll go along with the (his) program. It's a pretty simple dynamic and it's all around in varying degrees.
 Bluesman2008
Joined: 4/2/2008
Msg: 158
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/19/2008 4:02:35 PM

the abuser is very controlling in one way or another,


And you were the one prone to being controlled, right? You must have otherwise you'd have never tolerated it.
 Bluesman2008
Joined: 4/2/2008
Msg: 159
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/19/2008 5:17:19 PM

Family pets also become Victims, and many times abusers of people are also abusers of family pets


Very true. Nothing and no one escapes the effects of abuse. That's one reason I first look to see how people treat their pets because it's a strong indicator of how they'll treat people.


i thought i was in love i was 16[/quote[

Good grief. Getting married at 16? Anyone who marries at age 16 really needs to have their head examined. I've got socks that old. NO ONE is mature enough or experienced enough at that age to know what they hell they're doing. How sad.


And i've still got that guy that helped me as one of my best friends.


You got lucky. Very lucky.
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 162
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/19/2008 7:14:52 PM

Their way of relating to women is to control them. They can only do that by verbal, physical and/or emotion abuse or some mix of all of it. But those attitudes invariably come from the way they're raised. If they have an abusive father, that's the way they see a "normal" relationship so, as an adult, they go out and seek women who'll go along with the (his) program. It's a pretty simple dynamic and it's all around in varying degrees.


Very good points overall in your entire post, Bluesman2008. I'd take it a step further. The women (and in some cases men who become victims) are also impacted from what they learned in childhood. Varying degrees in terms of dynamics, as you so stated. The victims are as controlling as the abusers, yet exhibit it differently. That element of "enabling". Enabling is a form of control yet more covert.

For adult survivors of child abuse, again accounting for degrees, the strategies that were necessary and valid as a child abuse victim to survive then theoretically carry into adulthood. However, in adulthood those behaviors are no longer valid. It's part of the attraction between the abuser and the victim as adults. It's familiar for one thing whereas healthy is not. Familiar in the abstract sense is comparable to "comfortable". In that context, doing the work to become "healthy" is uncomfortable. IMO, the abuser and victim respectively don't know they are "unhealthy" until the consequences of their choices become motivators for the self-work each must do for themselves to have a better life.

The irony, at least in my opinion, between the abuser and the victim is that they are reflections of each other but in reverse. Such as holding up a card with writing on it in front of the mirror and the words are reversed.

Overall, I would say that there are two influences in childhood that define future relationships. The element of what the child is taught by virtue of the environment he/she was raised in plus the reactive strategies the child implemented according to the situation where there is an abusive element on the part of the parents.

JMHO
 Bluesman2008
Joined: 4/2/2008
Msg: 163
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/19/2008 7:31:49 PM

For adult survivors of child abuse, again accounting for degrees, the strategies that were necessary and valid as a child abuse victim to survive then theoretically carry into adulthood. However, in adulthood those behaviors are no longer valid.


Exactly. Those are termed "coping mechanisms". We create them to survive but, as you stated, in adulthood, they're not necessary. The problem is that that is an intellectual evaluation. The problem arises because those coping mechanisms become so firmly integrated into our personalities that they become a part of us. It's familiar and familiarity gives us a kind of comfort zone.


In that context, doing the work to become "healthy" is uncomfortable.


True enough. That's because it's having to learn a new dance step. It's new, uncharted territory and it DOES feel uncomfortable but that's natural until the "new dance step" is also integrated into the personality. After that, it's smooth sailing.


The irony, at least in my opinion, between the abuser and the victim is that they are reflections of each other but in reverse.


Ergo the symbiosis.
 Chagal116
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 166
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/19/2008 10:43:20 PM
Sometimes the relationship starts out really well, then some form of control issue starts to come out from the abuser.....This may be for a variety of reasons that many of you already stated,and it could be from drug or alcohal abuse or bipolar disorder.
The abused may stay because they think that they can help fix the problem but only the abuser can do that. If you love this person in the begining of the relationship ,the abused has a hard time seperating themselves,and may fear retribution from the abuser, you've heard of woman leaving an abuser and it turns violent. Even with peofessional help , I left an alcohalic husband years ago,it was a slow process because even though he was verbally and mentally abusive my gut feeling was he would get violent. I waited untill I knew when I droped the divorce bomb that my child and I would be safe first.......
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 168
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/20/2008 3:48:14 AM

The instinctual and emotional side of the mind can easily take over the logical side of the mind.

I disagree. To even subscribe to this line of thinking implies that one has no control over emotions when in fact how we respond emotionally is absolutely a choice. The autonomic response of "fight or flight" when confronted with imminent threat to one's personal safety, using an example of an "instinct", does not negate the fact that one's response to the "threat" at the time is very much a choice. Sounds like an age-old argument between the psychologists and the behavioral scientists.


HOWEVER, the instinctive attraction (as "Attraction is NOT a choice") has not evolved with the social changes in our times.

Again, I disagree. Attraction is more choice-driven than not. What attracts us to the kind of people we find ourselves attracted to is a learned behavioral driven choice. Values and such are learned ergot not instinctive at all. Even relationship dynamics are learned behaviors, not instinctive.

The only aspect in the context of the topic that is remotely autonomic about attraction is the illusion of no choice, yet within the deeper level of cognition even that element began with a choice at some point in time. It is an illusion consequential to denial and repression (both denial and repression are consciously chosen responses/reactions). As Bluesman2008 indicated in his last post, these reactions/survival mechanisms become an integral part of one's personality, ergot - IMO - most assuredly driving one's propensity towards attraction. However, integration into one's personality of these mechanisms does not negate the factor of choice in the aspect of attraction.

We all begin as infants, with our own distinctive personalities, yet also a blank canvas upon which the picture is painted with what we are taught, what we learn as well as how we choose to react and respond to what we experience. When the "environment" causes us pain, we are either going to react by fighting back, cowering in fear, walking away from the situation, or adapting to it. There are all manner of ways to walk away from a circumstance that causes pain without ever physically leaving the situation - denial being a huge method of "walking away" in that context. Still - it is a choice. Being drawn repetitively to people that in the end hurt us is still a choice, albeit a covert one. In the most generic sense, of course.


Thus, they are attracted to, and put up with A-holes not because it is the best thing for them, but because they have no choice in the fact that they are attracted to them.


It's not about attraction to a person at all, IMO. From the approach that in some manner in childhood there was an "abusive" element, part of a child's coping mechanism is wishful thinking and fairy tale expectations. This mechanism carries into adulthood and is, IMO, emotionally-based escape and denial. It isn't an "instinct" or absence of choice at all in terms of attraction. In that context, when the abuser and abusee initially perceive an immediate attraction, both at the onset are validated that they have found that perfect soul mate. It's what they want to believe. They act on their wants which is a conscious choice.

It isn't an attraction to the person at all, more an attraction to having the fairy tale fulfilled which is comparable to being attracted to an object. The person in this context that one is attracted to is the means to the desired end, not perceived as a real person at all. 'It" alleviates the emotional baggage of pain each carries at the onset and further validates for each of them that there is really a knight in shining armor or that perfect princess who will rescue them from their respective hurts. Only it isn't real, never can be real as they each have to rescue themselves first and foremost.

They put each other on the pedestal so to speak. As no partner is perfect, the illusion inevitably breaks down. Each partner in their own way desperately strives to retain the illusion that the other is their perfect soul mate.

The abuser by overtly (although covertly in the early stages) trying to conform the partner's behavior to sustain the illusion and the victim complies by changing the undesirable behaviors to sustain the victim's illusions of the abuser covertly (although progressively overtly as the abuse escalates). Note the parallel: both begin covertly and progress to more overtly controlling behaviors. Different behaviors, parallel goals. Both perceive themselves as victims and project themselves as such. Both are out of control yet need the derailment of the other to feel in control of themselves.

The victim is just as controlling as the abuser and every bit as manipulative as the abuser. Both have the choice to walk away at the onset, yet choose not to. More important than walking away from each of them is regaining that initial rush that was there at the onset of the relationship and sustaining it no matter what, neither theoretically having the learned ability to see beyond their own individual wants and needs. Both are out of control and need the other to sustain the illusion that they in control of themselves.

While chronologically both appear to be adults, emotionally both are still functionally children in varying degrees. Within that emotionally immaturity, both are very self-involved in that the world revolves around their wants and needs in effect each viewing the other as an object, rather than a person. Neither is capable of recognizing or even sustaining real love as both are so over-focused on their own respective needs at the expense of not only each other, but also themselves.

Theoretically and generically speaking.
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 171
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/20/2008 4:22:10 AM

Because i loved him,we had children, a wonderful life apart from the little upsets that would set him off..which was pretty much anything..because he was a caring,loving man i thought "i" could help him feel secure in my love for him and our family;but the SIGNS WERE THERE..i just choose to ignore them..


Spot on in multiple aspects.


I AM NOT WEAK because i stayed I AM STRONG because i left him..


As valid as being STRONG for leaving:

*You respected yourself enough to rescue yourself...
*Put ownership on him to rescue himself or not, where it has always belonged...
*You chose to see through the honeymoon illusions to the painful reality of truth...
*It took great courage to push though those illusions, as it was a painful choice...
*And loved yourself enough to act in your own best interests, even though your best interests conflicted with what you wanted...

 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 174
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/20/2008 5:10:06 AM

coltonic. your a damn man. you are much stronger than a woman and she cannot control you . she may try but she cannot actually do it. men are not scared of a little woman however when its reversed the man is way more powerful. he is much stronger.


With all due respect, there are ALL manner of forms of abuse and it is precisely this attitude towards men that create all manner of barriers for men who are in abusive relationships as victims to get the support they need.

As far as physical strength between the genders, even that is presumptuous at best. If your perception were true, you just negated the viability of women in the military and even law enforcement to name a couple of professions.

It's one thing to quantify your post within the scope of your personal experience and quite another to be insensitive to another poster's disclosure that he was abused in a relationship simply because he is a man.

Coltonic - I have been active in abuse forums for well over a decade, encountering on rare occasion male victims within these forums. One such experience really stuck with me. He had been washing dishes and his wife was verbally assaulting him to such degree that he handled it by over-focusing on the task of washing those dishes so as not to react to her. When she didn't get the desired reaction, she took a 10-inch cast iron skillet to the back of his head and cracked his skull. That was the first time she had physically assaulted him.

So yes, men absolutely can be and are physically abused by women.
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 178
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/20/2008 6:46:28 AM
You're welcome, Coltonic.

As for this statement of the other poster:

men are the stronger. always have been and always will be. jsut common sence tells you that.


Frankly, I much prefer UNCOMMON sense to "common sence" . Sadly, there are some individuals that prefer to stay quite stuck in their own perceptual illusions. These skewed beliefs actually lack foundation in tangible truth and realistically measurable data, all so one can feel absolved of taking ownership for their own share of accountability, not to mention have someone to blame for their own respective poor choices. Life is so much more enjoyable a journey without hauling all that excess "baggage" around.



men sure can be if they let it happen. but a woman cannot stop it. we cannot hold a man back where a man can easily hold a woman back


An EDIT here, just couldn't let this slip through the cracks.

Both men and women who find themselves as victims in an abusive relationship technically "let" it happen. The indicators aka red flags are always there at the onset. While neither is accountable for the behavior of the abuser, each victim is accountable for choosing to ignore those red flags - which in effect "lets" it happen the first time. After the first time, each victim that experiences a second time has "let" it happen by choosing to stay after the first time. No matter how justifiable the excuses are for staying, no way to pretty that one up. It is what it is.

Not all men can easily hold a woman back and quick frankly, in my overall life experience beyond the scope of romantic relationships, women can be some of the nastiest "fighters" aka abusers on the planet with the tiniest member of the human body - their tongue. While men may in SOME situations have more physical capacity to physically damage a woman's body, a woman with her tongue along can destroy a man's spirit with her words alone.

The most damaging type of abuse short of loss of life is the power of the tongue. I would even go so far as to suggest that even loss of life is better than having to recover from having to live with and recover from a spirit destroyed by words that go to the heart of a man, and yes - even a woman when she receives the same from a man. Women by my observations in life are much more effective and skilled at verbally targeting one's weaknesses for attack than most men IME. The body can heal and life goes on. Shatter a person's spirit, IF they can heal at all, it is a life journey in and of itself to glue it together again.
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 180
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/20/2008 7:37:45 AM
Domestic violence by women is very underreported. Many men are reluctant to admit that they were abused by a woman, and unless the injuries are serious or a third party intervenes, the man may simply put up with it. Studies have shown that women assault men about as often as men assault women. While men tend to cause more damage because on average they are stronger, not all men are bigger than their partners, and women can even the odds with weapons such as knives, high heels, and sharp nails. Men may also fear that if they fight back in self-defense, they themselves will be accused of abuse because of society's assumption that men are always the aggressor.


Sadly, these are all valid statements and are further substantiated even within this thread how men are assumed to be the aggressor. It is precisely that assumption that creates unnecessary barriers for male victims to exit these relationships or even act to defend themselves when assaulted by a partner. There was a time when women had nowhere to turn as it was acceptable for a man to "discipline" his wife so the women had nowhere to go. Now it's a sort of double-reverse in that few options are available to men who are abused. Yet, no less than women victims, men also need validation that the abuse is in fact occurring, no less than women, men are as caught up in the victim aspect of the cycle of abuse. So why make it harder for them just because they are men? They hurt, they love, they feel fear - all of this and more, just like we women feel.

If anything, we women now have a duty of care to diminish barriers for the male victims of abuse rather than create and foster the very barriers that keep many of them trapped in their circumstances. Abuse in all its forms is no respecter of persons whether male or female, child or adult. It's bad enough to be abused by a partner, far worse to be further abused by inaccessibility to the very resources one needs to escape it.

I have yet to encounter a female survivor of abuse who left without some form of help. Even if the only measure of help was words of encouragement or an ear that listened.

 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 187
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/20/2008 9:23:46 AM

never judge until you have walked in my shoes.


That is the bottom line, isn't it? Whatever actions that were necessary for you to get away from your abuser were specific to your situation. No two situations are the same as no two people are precisely the same. For that reason alone, no one but you is qualified to judge your actions and your choices relative to your situation.

Kitten:


If I ever saw a man in a shelter hiding out from a woman I think I would laugh my ass off.


Thank you for so eloquently illustrating my point about the viciousness of a woman's tongue much better than I ever could. Actually, to find humor in anyone else's devastating circumstances on the fact alone that the victim happens to be a man is a classic example of verbal/mental if not also emotional abuse. I have no doubt that the male victims of partner abuse would concur and the female survivors who have progressed through their healing would have the sensitivity and personal memory of how it felt to them when their male abusive partners thrived on their fear and how their abusers laughed at them too.


him in a shelter hiding from woman of all things would make him look like a pu$$y so to speak simply becuase he is so much stronger. my point has finally been made.

No, your point has not been made at all. Yet you have certainly revealed yourself via your own words to be the sort of woman the better caliber of men would be well advised to avoid. In your eyes such a man in those circumstances might be a "pu$$y", but not in my eyes and certainly not in the eyes of many others following this thread.
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 195
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/20/2008 11:00:06 AM
Coltonic - you hit on critical points in your statements below:


Each year there are over 3.2 million cases of men being assaulted by their intimate partner. Advocates have theorized that the increase could be due, in part, to the profession of the male victim. For example, many men work for the federal government, police agencies, military, or other jobs that may require some kind of security clearance. Due to the sensitive nature of the jobs, perhaps they are afraid that protecting themselves physical or legally could cause the loss of their jobs. Male victims are often ashamed that others will perceive them as weak or less of a man. There is also a belief that the police will not take the allegation seriously or that they (the man) will be arrested because "only men" are the abusers. Research shows that men may be more afraid to testify against a woman for fear of being laughed at by his friends, co-workers, and other women.


All valid, Coltonic... Different fears from what we women face, in part I would venture to say due to how the male/female roles in relationship have been defined for centuries. Although the roles have transitioned somewhat, still those former expectations as well as perceptions have not balanced out.


[men]do not need anyone to defend them especialy from a woman.

As you are not a man, how can you possibly speak to what they need or don't need? Actually, thus far the men are doing quite well speaking up on their own behalf about what represents barriers to them when in an abusive relationship. It's unfortunate that even the concept that a man may find himself in a safe house situation is laughable to you. There are many ways to "hit" a person, Kitten. Evidently that point escapes your understanding at this point in your life.
 Miss G
Joined: 5/1/2007
Msg: 202
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/20/2008 3:55:19 PM
its usually better to stick with what you know over dealing with a whole new pile of crapola which might be much larger than your current pile of crapola. Or if you're like me, you just walk away from whoever and hide under a rock so you can think about the idiot you're nuts about and wonder why he's got you wrapped around his little finger.
 painter0070
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 203
view profile
History
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/20/2008 5:02:27 PM
Probably the same reason men do........you dont feel like your worth anything...
 Sharzi
Joined: 10/6/2007
Msg: 204
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/20/2008 5:13:28 PM
beyondhuman....

I guess you've never been in an abusive relationship or you wouldn't be saying that women are attracted to these horrible guys. They aren't horrible at first. At first, they are kind, gentle, loving, caring. You get sucked up into the romance and love and then slowly a little thing happens here or there. You think at first, it must have just been stress or something he's dealing with and went overboard. Then it snowballs and it becomes a crazy roller coaster of love and hate, rage and gentleness. By that point he's already worked very hard to make you believe you are the cause of these outbursts because after all, he's not like that with anyone but you.

In my case, my ex had mental issues that his entire family hid from me. He worked very hard not to show it to me at all. I had no idea that he was being abusive to his mother. On my wedding night I got the shock of my life and the next day, he genuinely did not remember having done what he did. I just kept thinking I must have done something very wrong because for the past 2 years he had been absolutely the best, most wonderful man I'd ever known. So, since he was telling me it was me that caused it, I began to believe maybe I did.

After what I'd been through, any guy now who even smacks of having the slightest temper, and he's SO gone. If I was attracted to that, I wouldn't be turning them away.

Sharzi
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 206
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/20/2008 6:45:16 PM

angelheart, dont be niave


LOL...oh child...you have so much yet to learn in your own journey. Your subjective judgments show the world who is truly naive, and beyond naive even unteachable at this stage in your life. Let's call a detante...shall we?

I find the thread topic immeasurably more interesting than having someone's jaded beliefs divert attention from the topic.
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