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 AUTHOR
 CompletelyDone
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 209
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?Page 4 of 13    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)

angelheart, dont be niave . you dont have to be a man to know a man is by far much stronger than a woman and does not need help to protect himself from a woman. if a man cant handle a woman than he is beyond weak.


Kittenshere... There isn't a doubt in my mind that you know very well that there are many women who are physically stronger than many men. And you also know that there are men who will be very compassionate when they see that their female partner is mentally ill.

I had one client I doubt I will ever forget. He was a tall, good-natured guy who had spent 21 years of his life with a total nutbar. He had taken her to every therapist, psychologist and specialist he could find to try to find some way to get her to stop swiping at him and being so damned ugly with him. When his son attained his majority and moved out, he also picked up his duffel bag and moved out. He filed for divorce and asked for nothing. On his birthday, thinking his son was at the door, he opened it and she rushed at him with her long acrylic fingernails. She gouged him up so badly while he attempted to restrain her. She ripped one of his eyebrows off with those nails of hers and tore strips of skin from his arms and back.

This was only one of her several attacks and she was not above trying to make it look like whatever injury she incurred was his doing. She had taken a run at him previously. When he stepped back to avoid her nails, she couldn't stop her momentum and ran off the top step of the basement stairs. She broke her leg and tried to have him charged with abuse.

This was no "weak" man... He had the psychological strength of Hercules to endure what he had been through with that woman and her nutbar family!

For you to make these comments about men who seek protection being weak is for you to be judging ALL situations by one.. your own. Stop and think.
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 212
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/21/2008 2:06:51 AM
well ms angelheart, why dont u go fight a man and if ur still alive you just come back and tell me who won ok.


I did actually and am a documented "Jane Doe" medical miracle as well as a teaching case in the very hospital that treated me in 1985. There is no medical explanation as to how I even survived the night - none, even today. I died twice actually in the first two days.

I assure you I am very much alive and anyone who has met me since would never know unless I shared that information with that person. As for the man who believed he could kill me so he could spend the rest of his life with our daughter? He still exists but I assure you his mind is quite dead by virtue of his own substance abuse. He's been emotionally and mentally dead for two decades. Has lived on public assistance for nearly two decades and lost the ability to even know what day it is. He merely exists yet I live. So don't have the audacity to assume you know what you are talking about - you're well out of your league here.

For the record, he is 6'5" and I am 5'4". He only directly physically assaulted me twice our entire marriage. The second time, I stood on my toes and looked him spot on in his eyes and told him if he ever laid a hand on me again like that, I'd kill him. I didn't yell it, I stated it calmly and softly to be sure he got the message. I was 21 years old at that time. He changed his modus operandi to pointing a loaded .357 Magnum at my head while he thought I was sleeping. When I fled with my 4 year-old and a tote bag filled with her clothes, he had already changed his modus operandi to tampering with my vehicle. The same vehicle I used to transport our daughter in day after day. Police could do nothing about the tampering as his name was on the title as well as mine. He could do anything he wanted to those vehicles (we had 4 at the time) as they were his property too.

The one morning I didn't check my car (at that point titled only in my name) over, I never made it to my destination. Before I ever reached the ER after being extricated from my car, he was already in front of a judge on an emergency petition for custody. When I by some miracle made it through multiple surgeries and 16 blood transfusions, my family and my employer were informed that I would not make it through the night. The next morning, my ex used his salvage contacts to conveniently dispose of my vehicle while I lay in ICU fighting for my life with no memory, no cognitive awareness of anything and even died a second time that day. It was a week before I even remembered a face and by then, the police previously unaware of any tampering that had been on-going for a year and a half, could not examine my vehicle so he was never charged. Neither driver was charged either for the MVA. To put it into focus - an MVA that was the equivalent of hitting a brick wall at 90 MPH.

It should go without saying - I won. Every year since then, I celebrate my second "birthday" on 2/20. Not too many people survive this kind of encounter with a diagnosed sociopath who has crossed over into criminal behavior. It's a worthwhile celebration every year to me.

As for strength? It's a matter of perception. My last husband who was a former corrections officer had me restrained in a choke hold to prevent me from leaving the campground with my younger daughter as I was sick of his verbal abuse in front of my child. He was 5'10" and certainly technically physically more muscular than I was. Yet I still broke through his restraint, having never had any formal defensive training myself.

Any other questions? Your projection of your own bitterness and subjective as well as demeaning judgments of people you assume are weak serves no good purpose - least of all for yourself. Whatever your experiences were represent your journey and no one else's but yours. If you can't handle the fact that your ex was able to overpower you, then get some professional help - or don't.

In either case, it's long past time you quit your man bashing. If you want to bash anyone, then bash the man who abused you. The rest of the men, regardless of their personal experiences, are not your abuser.

May we now get back to the thread topic? Which, by the way, is not about which gender is stronger but why some women stay in abusive relationships. That the thread topic expanded to some of the men posting their own experiences is in fact relative as abuse is not a gender issue.
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 214
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/21/2008 10:17:51 AM
Thank you, icey43. It's not about applause though, as you know from your own personal experience.

It's about somewhere inside yourself finding the brass to say NO MORE and act on taking your life back. It's about pushing through those shackles of fear by whatever motivation the individual being abused finds to grab onto - that motivator is the life preserver to grab onto that keeps the abused from drowning. It's about focusing forward and not looking at what might be approaching behind you. The empowerment in that last statement is that by focusing forward one can see the doors that open to freedom.

The best revenge, IMO, is to be successful.

It's an "in your face" to the abuser. Never a need to carry all that baggage of judgment, anger and projection on to others. Sure there's anger - nothing wrong with being angry, but plenty wrong when it's used destructively. Anger can also be used productively, as a fuel to light the fire of determination under one's backside towards the life they want to have, rather than remaining powerlessly enslaved by wishing he/she could have the life they want.

Far better to lose one's life than to spend one more second let alone months or years getting sucked into someone else's sickness that sucks the very life we think we are saving by staying, only to find out we have chosen a slow and tortuous death by staying.

Coltonic: Very astute observation in your statement:


“Who really was the victim in your relationship Kitty?”

Her projection in the thread alone speaks for itself.
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 219
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/21/2008 11:56:03 AM

My then six year old daughter came and snuggled against me and said, "It's okay Mommy daddy can't hurt you anymore."


My was 4 when I fled. She was 6 when my MVA happened. Her father took her with him the morning he had my car "taken care of", and showed her my blood all over the inside to prove to her that mommy was dead. When she was 10, he abducted her for 3 months. By the time she was 11/12, she was hospitalized the day I received a phone call from an attentive doctor that her suicide pact had fallen out of her pocket the night before when I took her to urgent care. Her plan was to kill me first and then herself. MPD, now referred to as DID. Her youngest alter is 6 years old and believes her mother is dead. It is my belief that she actually fragmented the morning her father showed her my car. She dropped out of therapy, and in violation of a sole custody order wherein her father was never to be alone with her - ever, and ran to him when she was 15/16 with my grandson. Most of her childhood was in therapy.

Today, no one really knows the full scope of what her father did to her as she still protects him. I know some as I watched her relive it as home was the only place she did relive any of it. Some the presiding judge knows much to that judge's shame, as by the time my cries were heard by the court to please appoint an attorney to represent my daughter, it was too late by the time that GAL brought the evidence of that man's sickness into court. Still - they would not terminate his rights. Nope - they reduced his visitation to 2 hours once a month to be supervised by me in a public place.

She's married and has been for more than a decade (same husband) and I hear pregnant now with number 4. Just before she ran to her father, she had an updated psych eval and psychosis had entered the picture. She functions and does a lot of good in the community where she lives and is on the surface a wonderful mother. But it's all an illusion. She actually has no conscience left. Yet, she is her father's daughter and he taught her too long and too well in his own sickness that I was an obstacle to be removed.

We have no relationship now, by my choice in recent months. Not even my own child has my permission to abuse anyone, even the very mother who set herself aside to fight the war from hell just to keep her daughter safe. She's been derailing progressively over the years. I know her alters very well, especially when she writes which has been our main format of communication over the years. She made her choices, as harsh as that sounds.

She is actually the only reason I lived through that MVA. I remember dying the second time very well. Unimaginable and indescribable. I turned around and walked away because had I died, she would have automatically gone to her father and would have had no one to protect her.

Abuse in all its forms has immeasurable consequences. Not every abuser is a sociopath, but by not taking personal accountability for one's own healing and one's own life dramatically increases the risks of getting involved with one in the romantic type of relationship. This man could literally talk the leaves off the trees. Put him in the ER dressed in doctor's "whites" and it'd be months before any questioned his credentials. I'm dead serious. His own brother was head of cancer research at a very well known university. His father served on the Joint Chiefs of Staff. My daughter's IQ is off the charts it's so high.

We (men and women) stay in abusive relationships for all manner of reasons that seem valid to us at the time. Still, and I speak from personal experience, behind all the justifications, within the pervasive cycle, behind our beliefs and wishful thinking that things will get better and that the person you knew at the beginning will magically be the person you find yourself with is a tiny nudge telling you that the picture is ALL WRONG. That tiny nudge merits listening to and acting upon.
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 222
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/22/2008 12:56:18 PM

Amen to all the survivors. Most of the world will never understand what they survived.

And each survivor has their own unique experience, their own unique barriers that keep them engaged in the situation or coming back, their own stories of immeasurable courage, etc. IMO, it takes as much courage to stay as it does to leave. One of the ironies of abuse.


For those women and men even who are in this situation there should be better solutions. It is a sad reflection on our society that there is not.


It IS sad that there aren't better resources. Most sad of all is the propensity in our society to judge unnecessarily. We are all guilty of that to varying degrees. I do believe that those of us who have survived have a duty of care to pay it forward in a sense. Someone helped us get out, even though it may feel that we had no help - we did. So we should in whatever way we can, however small or big, extend a "hand" to abusees (changing terminology there as I really despise the word "victim") that cross our paths. It's not much, but it's better than offering nothing.

As to the men who have shared their experiences as "abusees", takes great courage to do that as you do face much different barriers than we women survivors do. As to what anyone thinks or judges about your situation? Don't let that stop you from taking your life back. The only opinion that defines you is yours.
 Sharzi
Joined: 10/6/2007
Msg: 223
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/22/2008 2:47:33 PM
bubble boy wrote:

******For those women and men even who are in this situation there should be better solutions. It is a sad reflection on our society that there is not *****

My ex used to be abusive to me in restaurants, stores, at cub scout meetings, etc and you know what, not one person ever came up to him and said, "Hey buddy, that is no way to treat your wife." Instead they turned and walked away or tried to pretend they weren't hearing it.

I truly believe if more people got involved and call out abusers, maybe it would make a difference. Most abusers don't see anything around them except the victim during those times. I don't even know if my husband realized people were standing aroud or could hear him, or maybe he knew no one would ever come to my rescue because as he put it, "Why would anyone care about you?"

How many people call out their friends for lying or cheating, for treating someone they are married or dating, badly? I do... I have given people I know a hell of a hard time about that. I know a couple who actually thought twice about cheating and ended up not because they said that I made them feel guilty.

In our society today, we turn our heads, ignore what's going on around us because we don't want to get involved or think our lone voice won't make a difference, or maybe the victim likes that kind of treatment. But I can honestly tell you, had one person come forward, it may not have changed my ex, but I would have felt a whole world of difference knowing at least one person cared.

Sharzi
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 224
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/25/2008 9:50:10 PM

In our society today, we turn our heads, ignore what's going on around us because we don't want to get involved or think our lone voice won't make a difference, or maybe the victim likes that kind of treatment. But I can honestly tell you, had one person come forward, it may not have changed my ex, but I would have felt a whole world of difference knowing at least one person cared.


Sharzi - I could not have stated it any better.
 Stan Powder
Joined: 12/22/2007
Msg: 225
view profile
History
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/25/2008 10:38:48 PM
When it comes to discussing guys being abusive to their girls, it amazes me how these guys get categorized as tough guys, or bad boys. Let me just say this as a fact, almost all guys who abuse women are the weakest men on the planet, aka real life pussies, losers. Whatever their issues or low self-esteem, bla bla bla, my daddy beat me whatever, it's all irelevant. Men who beat women are physically and mentally weaker than boys. You will never see a wife-beater compete in martial arts, or win a bar-fight. Someone here mentioned them as the Bad Boy? True Bad Boys start alot of shit in the real world but they never lay a finger on their women, you have to give them that.
 Bluesman2008
Joined: 4/2/2008
Msg: 227
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/26/2008 5:59:49 AM

well angleheart my point is proven.


Clueless. Utterly clueless. All she knows is one dance step in life (as the previous most astute poster noted) - "scratch" if they get close which, in this context, is nothing more than exchanging written text to convey our thoughts and ideas and put 'em "out there"; run 'em up the flagpole and see who salutes it, but her, for her it's pay per view cage fighting. I'll pass. The bio, under "SMARTS" says "N/A". Now that's an admission in any courtroom I've ever heard of. QED
 RazzleRoadRunner
Joined: 4/13/2007
Msg: 229
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/26/2008 12:38:57 PM
Both genders are products of the environment they were raised in, and abuse has become a learned behavior. Until they recognize they have a problem, the cycle will continue. To unlearn the behavior will most likely be their greatest accomplishment.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 230
view profile
History
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/26/2008 12:52:04 PM
Nobody stays in a relationship unless they are getting something out of it. This excludes true victims and those unable to leave, like children.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 232
view profile
History
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/26/2008 9:22:13 PM
I excluded real victims, if one is in danger then all things change. But when we see someone in an abusive relationship, they've been offered many ways out, they stay or go back and always have a reason, mostly they just cry on everyone's shoulders and go back for more...yes, they are getting something out of the relationship or they would not stay. I'm not talking about the kind of abuse where leaving might get you killed, that has to be handled in a very different way, I'm talking about enabling the abuser and staying beyond any sane reason. When someone is being abused and tells me, but I love him/her, I know they stay because they want to, no one is forcing them. Often if they do get out of it, they find another one. We are responsible for how we allow ourselves to be treated, we can't change the other person but we sure as heck can change our address.

A person who allows themself to be abused, who stays when they could leave, they get a whole lot of attention from friends and family and organizations geared to help those who really need the help to get away from someone who might harm them or worse. They put those who try to help them in great danger many times. They are many times just as abusive in their own ways, but playing the victim is very attention getting. You see them on message boards like this all the time, seeking attention.
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 233
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/27/2008 6:38:24 AM
A person who allows themself to be abused, who stays when they could leave, they get a whole lot of attention from friends and family and organizations geared to help those who really need the help to get away from someone who might harm them or worse


Darn, I wish someone would have told my family and friends they were supposed to be giving me all of this attention. Of course, back in the day when I finally did get out of the
first one, there weren't organizations that I ever heard of unless they were hiding in the haystack with the needle.


I'm not talking about the kind of abuse where leaving might get you killed, that has to be handled in a very different way, I'm talking about enabling the abuser and staying beyond any sane reason.


As subjective an assumption as I have ever encountered. ALL abuse has the potential to get one killed. No - it doesn't have to be handled in a different way just because the person outside looking in doesn't believe there is a risk of getting killed if the victim attempts to leave. Actually it is precisely that assumption that significantly created barriers to my leaving and not going back in the first place. As for enabling? Even those not at risk of being killed in an overt way enable in varying degrees. Theoretically speaking, it's an inherent vulnerability that attracts abusers to their victims in the first place.


When someone is being abused and tells me, but I love him/her, I know they stay because they want to, no one is forcing them.


No, in your opinion no one is forcing them. There are many ways to force someone to stay in an abusive relationship and the most effective modus operandi is with the tiniest member of the human body - the tongue.

Here's some reasons why people stay in abusive relationships - key word people, as abuse is not gender specific:

1. FEAR: the rapidity of paradigm shifts within the very cycle of abuse in and of itself fosters fear that the victim is losing his/her mind.

2. FEAR: of not being believed, fostered by the illusion that the abuser creates very well outside of the home that he is normal and it is the victim who has "problems".

3. FEAR: of death if the victim leaves. Even if the threats are only issued verbally absent physical violence, i.e. "if you ever leave me, I'll kill myself", "You're my woman and no one else will ever have you so don't even think about leaving me", etc, etc.

4. TRAPPED: by financial worries.

5. TRAPPED: between love for the abuser which is fostered during the honeymoon phase of the cycle and hating the behaviors of the abuser towards the victim that far beyond the scope of overt abuse are covert aggression.

6. TRAPPED: by embarrassment and shame, fostered by the very people in a position to help that horribly judge the victim absent any clue at all about what is really going on behind closed doors as the victim is so fearful and lost, they more often than not can't find their only reality connect that abuse in fact occurring - even in the absence of physical violence.

7. BELIEFS: fostered and nurtured initially in childhood, that marriage is forever. That couples should be able to work through their problems privately, only in the abusive relationship it is not possible.

8. BELIEFS: that they in some way invited the very abuse they are experiencing, fostered by their abuser and validated further by the misguided notion that they are there because they must want to be there.

9. BELIEFS: that by changing their behaviors, they can diminish or eliminate the behaviors of their abuser, fostered by the abuser as well as family, friends and even so far as the church - depending on how much the victim is capable of disclosing. Yes, key word is capable.

10.BELIEFS: that love is synonymous with need. Just as it was taught to be that to the abusers, the victims were also taught the same.

11. CO-DEPENDANCY: both partners. Beneath the fear factor, is the belief that the victim cannot function independent of the abuser. Fostered by the abuser, initiated IMO by personal boundary violations beginning in childhood, yet fostered by the abuser as well as subjective judgments by outsiders who have minimal or no experience with the cycle of abuse. This is the "hook" that keeps victims going back. When they do leave and the reality hits that they no longer have the person they have become emotionally dependent upon, more often than not they simply panic and go back.

12. ENABLING: rescuer syndrome to name one such behavior. Again, roots go to the very first relationship a human ever experiences - that with one's parents. Both partners enable each other. The intent is NOT to seek attention, but IS to validate one's own sense of self-worth. Neither victim or abuser entered the relationship with a sense of self-worth.

13. CONFUSION: the very cycle of abuse by it's very nature is confusing between the three phases. It leads to a reality disconnect that is very disabling to the victim. Male or female victim.

14. BREACH OF TRUST: promises made, promises broken - over and over again.

15: DIMINISHED ABILITY TO TRUST ONE'S OWN PERCEPTIONS AS BEING VALID: again, the impact of the cycle.

...and the list is endless. To varying degrees, the above list applies in all abusive relationships. The very weaknesses and lack of self-identity is what attracts the partners to each other in the first place. It's familiar to them both - they can relate to each other as it's a "language" they both understand and "speak" well. Neither having learned the language of "healthy" because they were not taught that language.

The worst thing anyone can do when a victim reaches out is to judge them on the body of whatever words they reach out with. Listen to what is not being said, more than the words that are spoken.

The first best thing anyone can do when a victim reaches out is to listen without judgment.

As for the victim accountability in abusive relationships, the wrong time for it is when they are in the relationship. They can't hear it because it's comparable to what they hear from their partner all the time - what is wrong with them. To them, it feels like more of the same they are currently living. All it accomplishes is to validate what the abuser is already telling the victim persistently - that it's her (or his) fault.

While they certainly after exiting the relationship need to own their portion of accountability, timing is everything.

 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 236
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/27/2008 7:57:33 AM
the sense of futility.


Spot on.

It's like dancing as fast as you can to music that plays faster than you can dance. The faster you dance, the faster the music plays. The harder you try to make the music slow down, the more it has the opposite effect.

The harder you try to leave, the more stuck you become. The more you try to reach out for help in the only way you can at the time, the more doors slam in your face.

The more you try to control your emotional reactivity, the more swallowed up you become in your emotions, which only makes you less credible when you begin to reach out. Abusers are very adept at sustaining their "public" face of stability, even when it's observably recognized that the abuser has a few "problems". Only his (or in the case of female abusers - her) problems are perceived to be causative by the partner.

The worst element of abusive relationships is the verbal, emotional and mental aspects of abuse. At least with physical violence, whether it is towards objects or person, there's visual validation that the abuse has and is occurring. Not with the covert abuses. Can't touch those, can't see those as the marks are invisible. Can't even prove them to anyone else's understanding unless they have been there. We sound like we're complaining when we begin to reach out, but we're not complaining at all. We're simply crying out for help in the only way we can.

The deeper the pain, the greater our rage. Only we're not as skilled as our abusers at controlling our anger to the outside world. Compounded by the autonomic response of fight or flight when we know we are in danger.

Those of us that do get out successfully and don't go back were blessed enough to have someone notice that we were drowning who chose to throw us a rope to grab hold of, rather than assume we could swim if we really wanted to. We can't swim, as we are functionally paralyzed at that time.

MSG. 253 Thank you. It's been a very long journey and a seemingly lifetime of study for me to learn how to break the cycle that began in my own core family. I fell in the slow learner category, compounded by traumatic brain injury sustained courtesy of the first ex who was later diagnosed as paranoid personality disordered. Heck of a way to begin adulthood, only to have life interrupted while still fighting with every fiber of my being to protect my daughter from her own father.
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 238
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/27/2008 10:27:31 AM

somebody really hurt you now your damaged goods.you stayed thats not love then you take it out on men like me.the burning bed you are just as responacible as the man .remember you let it happen.


Really? According to whose definition of "damaged goods"? Yours? If that post was directed at my last post, you do not have the power nor permission to define the substance of my character or anyone else's but your own.

Sounds like someone is a bit "stuck" on the pity pot and it isn't me! Project as much as you so choose, in the end you defeat yourself.

Sorry, babe - I DO know my worth. Thank you so much for illustrating, for the benefit of the thread, classic projection of blame which is a self-serving behavior at best and a classic modus operandi to defer accountability and ownership for one's own unacceptable behaviors onto someone else.

P.S. It is a bit delusional to even suggest that you have the ability to know how any individual behaves in a relationship that you don't know, will never know in this lifetime and have never even met let alone had a relationship with. Who did you say is "damaged goods"? "Physician - heal thyself."
 llynass
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 239
view profile
History
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/28/2008 5:48:38 PM
To Angelheart3: BRAVO!
 sunnie12
Joined: 10/18/2007
Msg: 240
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/28/2008 7:14:14 PM
It's called battered women's syndrome. My mother was mentally, physically, and emotionally abused for seventeen years. She had five small children, yet stayed untill she ended up in a mental hospital. She is in her eighties now, and I've asked her many times why she stayed...Her answer is always the same...I don't know.
In the beginning women tell themselves, it will get better. He makes promises he will never do it again, and she wants to believe him. As the years go by, her self esteem, and spirit are broken. She begans to feel worthless, and frightened she can't make it on her own...especially, if there are children involved. For some unknown reason, women began to believe they deserve the abuse. That things would get better if she only did things the right way, and are to overwrought to realize no matter what they do, it isn't going to change things. My step-father came so close to killing mom so many times, I honestly don't know how she survived... I believe she stayed out of fear he would kill her, and he convinced her no one else would want her, but him... I think she believed him.
For anyone out there who is in an abusive relationship...whether it's physical, or verbal..please get help. There are women's shelters..abuse hotlines..and many other agencies who will help you. Please take advantage of those facilities... It's not just your life that matters, but the lives of your innocent children. One can't even imagine how damaging this type of relationship can be to your children..and, they will be impacted for years to come...

God Bless..
Sunnie
 sunnie12
Joined: 10/18/2007
Msg: 241
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/28/2008 8:21:42 PM
Don't make a judgement call on abusive relationships, if you've never been in one. You have no idea what you're talking about, my friend.
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 244
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/29/2008 1:01:06 PM

Incidentally, denial is a prerequisite to the choice of staying in an abusive relationship, and the funny thing about denial is that it's like being asleep or insane.
One can't say "I'm asleep" or "I'm insane", because they would have to be awake and sane to recognize it, therefore cancelling it out.
Denial is also what causes well-meant friends & relatives to get disgusted and stop trying to help.


Very well stated!
 StrangerInTheHouse
Joined: 2/9/2008
Msg: 247
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/29/2008 7:22:37 PM
I think that some people validate themselves by their service to a significant other, which is great as long as the "other" feels the same way. By the way, this "other" can be a husband, lover or even offspring...
But when one senses they have all the power in a relationship, they tend to abuse it. This can be women OR men.
 Bluesman2008
Joined: 4/2/2008
Msg: 249
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/31/2008 3:27:05 AM
Yes. It's the past tense of, uh, the other word
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 250
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/31/2008 5:26:45 AM

"because i love him"
Its MENTAL!
how could you possibly love someone who beats you?!

My theory is that it isn't the abuser they love, but more the illusion that was created at the onset of the relationship that they love more than they love themselves.
 InstantKarma620
Joined: 1/11/2008
Msg: 252
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/31/2008 4:10:27 PM
Well this is something I know a little about. Not because I was ever abusive to anyone I was in a relationship with but my mother who was married to my abusive father for over 40 years.

Abusive men are masters at manipulating their significant others. From day one they stratagize to keep the woman at bay. From controlling all the money......to impregnating her......to keeping her from getting an education.....to verbally and/or physically abusing her to the point where she lost all her self esteem and hope. He'll do whatever he has to do to keep her in his world of hell. Three main reasons why women stay is; Financial, children and FEAR! I couldn't tell you how many times my father told my mother he would take her kids and never see them again. Money? He gave her barely enough to buy the essentials. Even after the children are old enough to leave home things don't change much. by that time the woman is so beaten down she becomes numb to it all.

In the end my mother (with help and support of her children) finally divorced my father at 72 years old. The change in her was amazing. She got that hop back n her step and felt 3o years younger. Something she never thought she could get herself to do she finally did and wondered where she got the strength from. Early on in the divorce process I could see her struggling with the idea. It was very painful and difficult for her. As time went on though I saw her getting stronger and stronger. It was amazing to watch. It took my mother over 40 years to rid herself of the tyrant she married but now she's finally happy.

It's difficult to advice a woman who's being abused. All I can say is to find that strength from somwhere and get out! He doesn't love you if he's abusing you. And don't fall for those crocodile tears and phony apologies. That's just part of the manipulation process.

Good luck you you all!
 Cynderella
Joined: 3/8/2007
Msg: 256
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Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 6/18/2008 5:55:22 PM
So true^^^ once you are in you are trapped...lots of mind control...sad
 NocturnalPrincess
Joined: 8/26/2006
Msg: 258
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 4/29/2009 5:45:13 PM
My next door neighbors called the police, because the people upstairs were going at it, and they could hear here screaming and stuff getting tossed around. He is a muscular Hispanic, and she is a rather passive Caucasian female, but my guess would be that she is no saint, either.

When the police got there, she giggled and said there was nothing wrong.

I can write pamphlets on the cycle of abuse, but there is absolutely nothing anyone can do for someone that does not want to take steps to help oneself!
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