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Joined: 10/10/2005
Msg: 101
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Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?Page 5 of 13    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
I've seen people who've stayed in abusive relationships because they were afraid of the alternative. Some who fear for their financial well-being or they would simply rather be in an abusive relationship than be alone. Fear of being alone is very real and powerful. I feel for those in abusive relationships, and wish they would find a way out of them, but won't judge them because I'm not in their shoes.
Joined: 3/4/2006
Msg: 102
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Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 6/21/2007 4:21:35 PM
Smart observation....maybe we're all just waiting for our knight, on his big white horse? I'm not sure why people sometimes feel...stuck. I can speak for myself when I say that these types of relationships are very common and I'm in one. Always looking and afraid to be alone in the simple explaination, but many complex ones...
Joined: 5/9/2007
Msg: 103
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 6/22/2007 2:57:13 AM
One word.."FEAR"
because he is verbally abusive,
probably threatening,
and either she is in fear for her life and family
in fear to be alone.
Joined: 5/28/2007
Msg: 104
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 6/29/2007 3:02:29 AM
some stay in those relationships yes because of love but sometimes more out of fear fear that if they leave they will get hurt physicaly my cousin and his wife bought a house where the husband shot his wife in the yard and killed himself in the garage because she was leaving him the neighbours who still ive beside the house this happened in knew the couple and said the husband was abussive so yes some stay in fear some stay for love or some are just suckers for punishment i know i was but finaly left him after 2 years he was mentaly and emotionaly abussive to me but i got the courage and left him and better off with out him
Joined: 6/22/2007
Msg: 105
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 6/29/2007 5:09:26 AM
From my personal experience...
It's the fear of being alone. If things were good in the beginning you always have that hope that he will one day be like that to you again. He changed me completly - I had no confidence, he got rid of all my friends and was trying to turn me against my family. Thus he had all the power and could say whatever he wanted cuz he knew i had no where to go and i was not strong enough to say i deserve better. Luckily i got all that back in the end!
 Spoken For
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 106
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 6/29/2007 6:16:53 AM
They stay because of any number of things. (Warning: past experience speaking)

Start with a woman who thinks little to nothing of herself anyway. Add an abusive prick. Soon, you've got a verbally abusive relationship that may very well lead into a physically abusive one. Often, these creeps convince the woman that she's wortheless, no one will ever love her but them, they're the only ones who can possible protect her from herself and the world because she is nothing.

That plainly isn't true, but the woman will believe it because she has no self-esteem. It can be VERY hard to get out of these relationships, particularly when one is married to the abuser (often can't afford to divorce because he controls the money, too, even if both of them work), when there are children involved (man will threaten to track her down and take the kids away), and when the woman feels like she has no rsources (after he's cut her off from family, friends, and even neighbors who might help).

Sometimes it's a guilt thing, too. He'll say things like, "you just don't understand how hard things are for me," and "if you leave, I won't know what to do... I'll kill myself if you go!" She'll stay to keep him from committing suicide, and will be committing mental and emotional suicide herself by staying.

Sometimes it's fear-- she's scared to be alone, without finances, without connections. Or she's scared of what he'll do to her if she tries to leave.

Most of them don't "crave" it. They're simply trapped and don't have the self-esteem and will to get out. That beign said, some women are just crazy and DO actually like that kind of thing... why, I'll never know.
Joined: 4/11/2007
Msg: 107
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 6/29/2007 7:09:38 AM
I am the face of the survivor of marital abuse.

"I will kill you and leave your body in a ditch"
"If you leave me and take my children I will hunt you down"
"You fing **** you cant do any better than me... its all your fault"
and any other number of threats when being held off of your feet by your throat seem pretty damned real at the time.

One who has never been choked, punched, slapped, screamed at, threatened, or otherwise abused cannot begin to know the fear, the pain and the guilt associated with it.

When you are trying to escape but your spouse has one of your children in his care AT ALL TIMES and you know that if you leave without that child, you are essentially saying that your spouse is considered a trusted caregiver and thus you give up to a great extent your rights to that child in the eyes of the law, you stay until everyone can leave... its everyone or no one. When you are completely seperated from all friends and family out of shame and fear, you have no access to financial resources and you fear the reprecussions of leaving you stay until you can leave in safety.

How does one decide between the father that you can call to get you out but you know would not hesistate to take any measure necessary to do so or staying and having your children see the abuse until it is safe to leave?

I waited and now I have all of my children AND my father with me - I didnt have to sacrifice one for the other. Whether I made the right decision remains to be seen. He beat me, he mentally abused me but he did NOT kill me and he did not destroy who I am.

I am stronger than him, smarter than him, and better than him... and I will prove it every single day that I am free from him.
Joined: 6/23/2007
Msg: 108
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 6/29/2007 10:17:29 AM
In my State in Australia 13 women and children have been murdered this year after leaving an abusive relationship. The ultimate reason for not leaving? One of these women was a dear friend of mine and a fellow worker in the sector. It can happen to anyone.

These stories are often focussed on by the media and abusers have been known to use then to stop women leaving. Leaving the paper on the kitchen table, "see what will happen if you leave?" and even more frightening, the abusers who tell women - "I'm not that bad, I haven't killed you yet".

It is a sad statistic that women are more likely to be murdered in the first week they leave the relationship.

As another poster said - we should not be asking "why doesn't she leave?", we should be saying"why doesn't he stop?"
Joined: 4/17/2007
Msg: 109
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Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 6/29/2007 3:49:59 PM
Sarenity....they do have places to go now for women in abusive relationships....You can choose to leave and ti live, but that choice has to be yours. Your right..if you stay one or the other will end up dead..and where does that leave your child? With the abuser? When I went through the abuse..they didn't have women's shelters and it took me 7 yrs to save up enough money to live on for a month. But I knew I would end up dead if I stayed..and I didn't want that. I wanted my child safe over anything. If you ever need to talk, just message is too short to live in hell from an abusive spouse.
Joined: 8/26/2006
Msg: 110
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 7/1/2007 9:10:26 PM
My shrink told me that people stay in negative situations because however warped or dysfunctional they are, they want to be there in some warped way. I agree with that in some ways, but not in the way of abusive situations.
There is what I refer to as an Abuser's Handbook, that they all seem to study and master, and this is also true in same sex relationships. After eleven years of handling domestic violence calls, I feel somewhat qualified to make this claim.
Just yesterday, a thirty year-old woman came into the police station for some advice, really. She was about seven months pregnant with twins. For some reason, abusiveness worsens when a woman is pregnant? I think this is because the woman is more vulnerable, so it adds to his power and control over her.
I am on restricted duty due to a back injury and completely hating my assignment, but I was glad I was there to help this young woman, at least with information and a solid report.
They have been together for nine years and have a seven year-old son together. Her family is in Puerto Rico, except for one relative in Florida (ISOLATION).
This tiny gal is going to have to have a caesarian delivery and will be bed-ridden for weeks (FINANCIAL CONTROL & FAMILY ISSUES).
He has told her that he will take her son away from her and she will never see him again, and that he will never ever pay her child support. (FEAR).
iIn the meantime, he has spent the years whittling away at her self-esteem. Everything she does is her fault, everything he does wrong is her fault, so she can do nothing right! If he hits her, it was because she made him do it and/or because she deserved it.
She is lucky to have him, because no one else would put up with her or want her.
Abuse is an escalating phenomenon, that just keeps getting worse. Yelling escalates into threats and/or a raised hand. Once you can take a slap, then it becomes a punch, and so on.
Then when the Victim wants out, the Suspect charms her with the "I love yous" "I'm sorry's and the "It will never happen again's" even if it has happened before. This is the Honeymoon Phase of an abusive relationship.
It is called THE CYCLE OF ABUSE.
Some victims believe that they can save/change/rescue their abusers, so every time the abuser begs her not to leave (or tells her she is tearing the family apart), she loves him and wants to believe him. Then it happens again.
Every time I get called to a DV incident, I will ask the victim: "I am sure this is not the first time he has hit you?" I have never had anyone say that it was.
An old stat: the average abused woman will flee from her home with only the clothes on her back FIVE TIMES and return to the abuser before making an attempt to get away from him.
Over the past three days, I fielded three phone calls from people that wanted to know if there were any papers that they could sign that they did not want to press charges to get a loved one out of jail that was arrested for Domestic Violence.
The other night, I was working on a report for some folks, and I hate for people to sit in there if they do not need to be there, so when someone walks in, I tend to glance over and ask, "What brings you here?" in a friendly tone of voice. This woman said that she needed to talk to someone. Then, I looked at her, and she had a major, serious black eye. Perhaps they were first, but her situation was clearly more important than a simple traffic accident. I excused myself, and I took her back into the office area for privacy.
She had done everything on her end, filing for Posecution, getting a Protection Order (only a piece of paper), making a statement to detectives. Now, the man who had beaten her was threatening to KILL her. Something in his actions against her also involved Arson, though I did not see the report.
The pregnant girl told me that she doesn't know why he just won't let her leave! Getting into an abusive relationship is often much easier than getting out!
Google "Dorothy Stratten" if you want another high profile story of abuse ending in death, but the ending is horrific!
Joined: 6/24/2007
Msg: 111
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Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 7/1/2007 9:28:28 PM
Did I metion Self Esteem?
If you never had a shred of self worth, for whatever reason, to begin with. (too numerous to mention); have developed a "crap load" of negative garbage that rattles inside your head.
"I'm not good enough, Noone loves me, I'm worthless, etc........."
2. Enter a guy who has as much or even less selfworth than you do. He however, thinks he's smart by deciding he verbally/physically abuse you to make you "think" he has it all together.
3.He has beaten your last bit of "will" to mush, which makes it nearly impossible to break free of his hold on you.
4. He knows that if he let's up for even a second, there's always that possible that you may break free of his hold on you.
5. Being as that you are both equally scared, it comes downs to that all important question; snaps first.
6. If you're lucky, you finally say enough, and leave him. (unforntunately in most cases you will probably wind up in the arms of yet another abusive partner, unless you break the chain.(write me in private if you want more details).
7. He finally loses it, and you wind up in the hospital or the morge, or if you're luck in jail.
My point is, this can all be avoided if you take the time, ASAP, to leave the loser, get some much needed help(how or where is up to you), and learn to establish and more importantly enforce boundaries that keep you from putting up with future losers.
Even a little bit if self esteem can make the difference between being alone and scar free, or being in an unhealthy relationship that leads to hospital bed or worse.
I hope I've helped anyone who needs it. Best of luck
Joined: 4/23/2007
Msg: 112
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 7/1/2007 9:37:39 PM

It is a sad statistic that women are more likely to be murdered in the first week they leave the relationship.

True. Which is why for the first month or more they should have no contact with the abusive spouse except through a intermediatary (male is best). The abuser tends to react violently or use self harm or harm to others as a threat. Women are better off being away from the abuser too. The month or more separate will give her enough time to see the world though better eyes -- perhaps giving her the strength she needs to move on. The survivors of abuse need more shelters and more gov services to help them in transition. The lack of that now is shameful.

It is difficult to understand why women make such bad choices in mates. The jury is still out on whether self-esteem, personal experiences, or some kind of primal hard-wiring is the end cause.

To those of you that did get out and survive -- I salute you. You made a good choice.
Joined: 6/6/2007
Msg: 113
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 7/1/2007 10:08:48 PM
Well when you think that you are in love with someone and you think the only reason he is saying the most horrible things to you is to make himself feel better, you kinda become immune to it. Until one day that verbal abuse turns to physical and you almost die, and you think "I've done something to provoke him" and you give him another chance, and then you almost die from the hand that swore he would always protect me it is a vicious cycle that you can have a very very hard time getting out least until you grow some balls like me and other abuse survivors. Then you develop a back bone and dont take any s h i t of ANY man!!! So i guess through all this rambling they stay thinking he will change or that they can change them and the sad thing is.....they dont want to change for her or anyone!!!!
Joined: 8/26/2006
Msg: 114
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 7/1/2007 10:20:45 PM
Hey, fellow Princess!
Domestic Violence is the most difficult of crimes because the victim does love their abuser. If a random stranger beat a victim like the one they love has beaten them, they would want that perpetrator to endure the maximum penalty possible!
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 115
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 7/2/2007 6:57:37 PM
Well Dan, I was one of those women that stayed. I'll let you know why I did. But first of all....I don't want any one's pity...I stayed and thats my fault that I wasn't strong enough to get out. But I do ask that people don't judge me for staying in that kind of don't understand until you have been in my shoes or others. Secondly, you speak of women staying in abusive relationships...well there is men that are in them too. Why do they stay? I would think it is for the same reasons us women do.
I was a very smart and intelligent the top 10 of my class of 126. I went to college and earned a degree. I was a strong and independent woman before I met my ex. I didn't take no crap off of anyone and I swore that I won't ever let a man hit me. Then I met my ex who was very charming, manipulating and always had the right words to say. Made me feel like a princess but at the same time he was learning to control me and my feelings. He would be ever so sweet and then be the devil himself...but always ready tell me he was sorry and wont' do it again. I was young and wanted to make my marriage work. I took those vowels that I made at the alter serious. I watched my parents and grandparents work at their marriages and they are still married today. I would do anything to make it work because I was in "love". Through my 19 year marriage I was told that I was stupid, dumb, called degrading names, told that I was ugly and that no one would ever want me, etc. At first, your soul fights it and tells you that he is wrong. But eventually you start believing him because it's all you have heard. Every once in awhile you try to fight back and then the monster comes out of him. He threatens to hurt you, your family or in my case he would tell me that he would take my son to the indian reservation. On the indian reservation the United States laws have no power. I would have lost my son forever or until he could run away on his own to get back to me. He kept me caged. Did you ever hear the song by Keith Urban "Stupid Boy"..thats what I felt like in my marriage. So Dan, I went into autopilate and just survived for my son and me. Finally, I was able to divorce him when my son was 16. Thanks to friends and family that didn't give up on me and knew that I was still inside of my body. They gave me the strength to see that I could do it on my own.
Do I regret staying.....HELL YES!! Do I wish I would have given my son a better life...HELL YES!! Am I happy today...HELL YES!! I've went through all the stages with my couselor...the only stage I have left to deal with is the guilt and maddness that I have for myself because I wasn't strong enough to get out. This stage will take me I deal with it every day. I now am watching my son graduate from high school and getting ready for college. He is a great young man...he doesn't drink or smoke or party with the wrong crowds. I'm proud of him. Did I do wrong in staying...I'll never know...he turned out okay..thanks to me making sure I was there for him always. I am a firm believer that everything happens when it is suppose to happen. So life goes on and so do I...happier than I ever have been except for when they laid my son on my chest when he was born. Do I regret my got the greatest gift from that marriage...MY SON!!
So, please don't judge us that stay in abusive relationships...instead...see how you can help them or just be there to support them!! Thats what they need to know that there is someone outside of the marriage that cares enough to be there for them no matter what and won't judge them. You don't have to understand the situation or relationship. JUST THEM!! This is the biggest reason that we won't get help or tell anyone is because of judgement from others. We are humilated, beat down, scared, and feel all alone. So, we don't need people making us feel worse than we already do...are partner does that very well.

p.s. I went back to college and I'm working on my RN nursing degree and I have a wonderful man in my life....LIFE IS GOOD!!!
Joined: 6/11/2007
Msg: 116
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 7/2/2007 7:29:03 PM

Older children may be hurt while trying to protect their mother.

Approximately 90% of children are aware of the violence directed at their mother.

Children are present in 41-55% of homes where police intervene in domestic violence calls.

Children in homes where domestic violence occurs may experience cognitive or language problems, developmental delay, stress-related physical ailments (such as headaches, ulcers, and rashes), and hearing and speech problems.

Many children in homes where domestic violence occurs have difficulties in school, including problems with concentration, poor academic performance, difficulty with peer interactions, and more absences from school.

Approximately 15 states have passed legislation recognizing that domestic violence should affect child custody hearings.

Boys who witness domestic violence are more likely to batter their female partners as adults than boys raised in nonviolent homes.
Joined: 6/11/2007
Msg: 117
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 7/2/2007 7:30:59 PM
Domestic Violence and Suicide

One in three women is victimized by domestic violence at some point in her life.

Only one in five victims with physical injuries seeks medical treatment.

Only about half of domestic violence incidents are reported to police.

Almost all of the perpetrators of domestic violence say that they will stop. But most don't. The violence usually gets worse.

All women who are victims of domestic violence are at risk of being murdered by their abusers.

And one out of every four women who are the victims of domestic violence attempt suicide.

Domestic violence is always wrong, and it is a crime.

And there is never an excuse for domestic violence. Never.

All perpetrators of domestic violence are cowards and criminals.

The women who are victimized by these heinous crimes feel trapped and confused. The abuser not only physically attacks the woman, but also psychologically attacks her. The verbal attacks are meant to control the victim, and to try to strip her of her self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-love. The perpetrator also often wants the woman to believe that she is at fault for the violence and the verbal abuse.

Many domestic violence victims try to change their behavior (even though they are not doing anything wrong) because the horrible attacks leave them hopeless, helpless, and confused. But there really is nothing that the victims can do to stop the violence, because they are dealing with a selfish, cruel criminal who does not have a conscience. All of the blame is on the criminal--the cowardly perpetrator of the domestic violence--not on the victim.

The horrible crime of domestic violence often results in a woman isolating herself and becoming clinically depressed.

Many women feel trapped and powerless, and do not receive treatment for their depression, and thus believe that suicide is the only way out.

Also, many children who are in households where domestic violence occurs attempt suicide. Children are deeply affected by the physical and emotional abuse; they too feel powerless, and oftentimes become depressed. They may seek to end their own pain and escape from the horrors of domestic violence with dying by suicide.
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 118
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 7/2/2007 7:35:10 PM
Mine saw me coming from miles away ... there was an invisible ? neon sign hanging over my head that said f*cked up 19yr old with mega hang ups ... looking for the same in a man. He was 14years older than I, and I was his 4th wife. I think, at the time, I just needed someone to listen to me, someone that could understand, someone that had walked a similar path to my own. He was the charmer, the listener, all the things that I thought I needed in a partner. Which is what he wanted me to think. Believe it or not, the abuse began before I married him. Yet I was already so broken down, by life as much as by his abuse, that I did not believe that I deserved better.

He was physically abusive, emotionally abusive, verbally abusive. It took years for me to get the strength to leave ... once I started leaving him, I began to believe that I deserved better. Of course, the abuse got worse. It took awhile, but I finally got out, as the poster above stated, I left running with the clothes on my back and no shoes or socks. It was the dead of winter, my heart was pumping too fast to even notice how cold it was.

I went into hiding, had to quit my job, quit whatever social life I had - which wasn't much. He found me and stalked me to two years. I had girlfriends who wouldn't even allow me to step outside for a smoke, or go to the corner store alone. Because he was always there. He never tried anything with my friends there, he was too much of a coward. They knew it, I just had to come to that conclusion myself. He came through the windows, threatened my family ... we pressed charges against him, yet that did not help matters, it only made them worse. And it did nothing to helping me stay free of this @sshole.

So it wasn't the fear as much as the fact that I did not believe I deserved better. It took years to get over that one, and a whole lot of therapy.
Joined: 6/11/2007
Msg: 119
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 7/2/2007 7:35:50 PM
There is no way to tell for sure if someone is experiencing domestic violence. Those who are battered, and those who abuse, come in all personality types. Battered women are not always passive with low self-esteem, and batterers are not always violent or hateful to their partner in front of others. Most people experiencing relationship violence do not tell others what goes on at home. So how do you tell?

Here are some signs to look for:

Injuries and Excuses:
In some cases, bruises and injuries may occur frequently and be in obvious places. When this happens, the intent of the batterer is to keep the victim isolated and trapped at home. When black eyes and other bruising is a result of an assault, the person being battered may be forced to call in sick to work, or face the embarrassment and excuses of how the injuries occurred. In other cases, bruises and other outward injuries never occur. When there are frequent injuries seen by others, the one being battered may talk about being clumsy, or have elaborate stories of how the injuries occurred. The truth about the source of injuries will not usually be told unless the one told could be trusted and/or the one being battered wants help to end the relationship.

Absences from Work or School:
When severe beatings or other trauma related to violence occurs, the one being battered may take time off from his/her normal schedule. If you see this happening, or the person is frequently late, this could be a sign of something (such as relationship violence) occurring.

Low Self-Esteem: Some
battered women have low self-esteem, while others have a great deal of confidence and esteem in other areas of their life (at work, as a mother, with hobbies, etc.) but not within their relationship. In terms of dealing with the relationship, a sense of powerlessness and low self-esteem may exist. A battered woman may believe that she could not make it on her own without her partner and that she is lucky to have him in her life.

Accusations of Having Affairs: This is a common tactic used by batterers as an attempt to isolate their partners and as an excuse for a beating. It could include accusations of looking at other men, wanting to be with other men, or having affairs with the man bagging groceries at the local supermarket. Friends of the couple may observe this at times, but what is seen in public is usually only a small fraction of what the battered woman experiences at home.

Personality Changes: People may notice that a very outgoing person, for instance, becomes quiet and shy around his/her partner. This happens because the one being battered "walks on egg shells" when in the presence of the one who is abusive to her. Accusations (of flirting, talking too loudly, or telling the wrong story to someone) have taught the abused person that it is easier to act a certain way around the batterer than to experience additional accusations in the future.

Fear of Conflict: As a result of being battered, some may generalize the experience of powerlessness with other relationships. Conflicts with co-workers, friends, relatives, and neighbors can create a lot of anxiety. For many, it is easier to give in to whatever someone else wants than to challenge it. Asserting one’s needs and desires begins to feel like a battle, and not worth the risks of losing.

Not Knowing What One Wants or How One Feels: For adults or children who have experienced violence from a loved one, the ability to identify feelings and wants, and to express them, may not exist. This could result in passive-aggressive behavior. Rather than telling others what you want, you say one thing but then express your anger or frustration in an aggressive manner (such as scratching his favorite car, burning dinner, or not completing a report on time for your boss).

Blaming Others for Everything: The abuse, which usually includes the batterer blaming others for everything that goes wrong, is usually targeted at a partner or ex-partner. For example, a simple drive somewhere could turn into a violent situation if the batterer blames the partner and/or children for getting them lost. Co-workers and relatives may observe this type of behavior, and it may be directed at others as well.

Self-blame: You may notice someone taking all of the blame for things that go wrong. A co-worker may share a story about something that happened at home and then take all of the blame for whatever occurred. If you notice this happening a lot, it may be a sign that one is taking all of the blame is being battered.

Aggressive or Care-taking Behavior in Children: Children who live in violent homes may take that experience with them to school and to the playground. Often the class bully is a child who sees violence in his home (directed at mom, or at some or all of the children in the home). Children who seem very grown-up and are sensitive and attentive to others’ needs may see violence at home as well.
Joined: 8/26/2006
Msg: 120
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 7/2/2007 7:54:24 PM
Okay, since there are many speaking from the voice of experience here, why don't you go through the steps to help yourself? I understand the love, fear, and isolation, and so on. However, when someone gets arrested for domestic violence, I think 95% of the victims must not follow through with prosecution.
In some of the more severe cases, I have followed up and gotten papers issued.
One woman got p*ssed off because I had her nine year-old daughter sign a statement as to what had occurred, and then she refused to sign the statement herself! I GOT PAPERS ISSUED!
I am sure that the victim was uncooperative. I understand that the victim only wants the violence to end. The police can protect you only as much as you help to protect yourself. I understand that there is also some guilt and and shame involved, as well as fear.
One man grabbed a shotgun, and his wife ran to a neighbor's house barefooted in 3 feet of snow for safety, and then she did not want this man arrested?
How can we help you, then?
Here in Ohio the first conviction is a misdemeanor, which generally requires anger management classes and probation. If the classes are not attended then a stint at the Workhouse is imposed. A second conviction is a felony. THAT is why the first conviction is so important, because it is gonna happen again!
Joined: 6/11/2007
Msg: 121
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 7/2/2007 8:21:48 PM

Okay, since there are many speaking from the voice of experience here, why don't you go through the steps to help yourself? I understand the love, fear, and isolation, and so on. However, when someone gets arrested for domestic violence, I think 95% of the victims must not follow through with prosecution.

Gosh I have so much I want to say to this... but I can't find a good way...

Fear of the unknown, there is consistency in abuse. After a while it becomes a way of life. It isn't sudden in most cases, but gradually becomes to what it is... Most women before anything becomes physically just feels something is wrong, and they can't quite put their finger on it. Most women want the white picket fence, especially once kids get involved... maybe they want their kids to have what they didn't have as a child themselves, or maybe they are in a marriage similar to those that surrounded them as examples as a child. But there are NO consistences between the women/men being abused, according to the research. It crosses all socioeconomic boundaries, domestic violence is NOT racial, domestic violence isn't a poor man's quandary, domestic violence isn't just for the uneducated.

I am not sure how to explain it better...

The best thing that anyone can do for the woman/man in a domestic violence relationship is to assure them of three things:

1. There is HELP out there.
2. They are NOT alone.
3. They are NOT crazy.

Joined: 6/15/2006
Msg: 122
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 7/2/2007 10:13:08 PM
they secretly like it, being submissive, or the drama or they can't leave.
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 123
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 7/9/2007 9:48:08 PM
[The police can protect you only as much as you help to protect yourself.Here in Ohio the first conviction is a misdemeanor, which generally requires anger management classes and probation. If the classes are not attended then a stint at the Workhouse is imposed. A second conviction is a felony. THAT is why the first conviction is so important, because it is gonna happen again! ]

I don't know what part of Ohio you live in but it's not the same in my area. Certain departments of our lovely "protectors" doesn't want to deal with this kind of problems. I tried and tried to get protection and I was told OVER and OVER that I didn't have enough paper trail to get protection. I was looked in the eyes and told the only way I would get a protection was if I was severally hurt and in the hospital or I was DEAD!!!! I didn't finally have the nerve to turn him in until after he moved out of the house and in with his online girlfriend. I layed in my house at night fearing that he would come and kill me and either kill our son or take him. He would call and leave messages, would come to the house and try to steal things or abuse me and my son more....but no one wanted to get involved. I never felt so alone in my life as I did when the sheriff's department didn't want to talk to me or send an officer out. They gave me some hotline to call and I get a girl on the phone that didn't know what the hell she was doing and couldn't help me because it was the weekend. All she could do was give me numbers to call on Monday....I FELT REAL SAFE!!!! My son and I slept with loaded guns in the with him and one with me. Where was my so called protection???I felt the only way they would get involved was if I let him beat the hell out of me and put me in the hospital...then I might get my protection!!! I did finally talk with one of the town cops and he did start to help me and protected me and my son. But by that time...the damage is done mentally and physically on myself and my son. I feel what you speak of is "fantasy world" of the court system. It looks good on paper and good coming out of politicians's mouthes but it doesn't happen in the real world. They almost made me feel like I was the "bad" person and here I was the victim!!
Joined: 8/26/2006
Msg: 124
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 7/10/2007 2:38:57 AM
I am speaking of the Ohio Revised Code (2919.25). The first CONVICTION is a misdemeanor, not the first arrest. Prosecution must be involved.
I am saddened that you encountered so much frustration. I am neither justifying nor making excuses, but just trying to find an explanation for the apathy you encountered when I ask this next question. Were you one of the households that have called the police frequently, or where there have been third party calls, and you got the reputation that the cops will be there again tomorrow and she isn't going to do anything.
I insist that domestic violence is a progressive disease, and I wonder how many times the police were called where you did not follow through.
Yes, the law is reactive rather than proactive, meaning that a crime has to be committed before a person can be arrested.
I have taken the time to talk extensively with many female victims of abuse. ALWAYS, they say at the time, THIS TIME I am going to prosecute. I ask them what makes this time so much different than the previous 50 times, and she cries and says she is tired. Whenever I follow up, she never follows up with the prosecutor. Above everything else, this is so unfair to the children involved!
CRIMINAL PROSECUTION is your "protection" but the victims normally do not follow through, for all of the various reasons previously discussed on this thread.
Joined: 10/23/2005
Msg: 125
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 7/10/2007 3:30:53 AM
They DID make me feel like I was a 'bad' person.

Took me a year or two after I walked away before I could look in the mirror and not think that I was some terrible person.

This is part of their 'skill'.... They manipulate you with their words and constantly battering you into submission. They brainwash you.

It amazes me how many people out there are/were in such situations.

Hope all see the light and get the courage to seek help and get out of such a situation.

Best to all.
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