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 AB_Weezy
Joined: 9/17/2007
Msg: 124
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?Page 5 of 13    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)

The people you keep around yourself, speaks volumes for the type of person you are yourself.


What a powerful quote!
 sweetlibrachik
Joined: 9/10/2007
Msg: 125
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 10/9/2007 9:04:45 AM
Some stay cuz of the kids sake til they're full grown. Some stay cuz of fear of wot the guys may do to them to protect themselves. Some stay cuz their friends or family think they are being honest about their partner so they try to make it look good til one or another catches their partner in the act out of range. Some stay cuz they can tolerate the abuse, meaning they enjoy it. If some don't enjoy it why stay in it??

I'm glad I'm out of mine, I got tired of the let downs and the verbal abuse and whining, it kept repeating.
 sweetlibrachik
Joined: 9/10/2007
Msg: 126
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 10/9/2007 9:06:48 AM
Some stay cuz their friends or family think they are being NOT honest about their partner so they try to make it look good til one or another catches their partner in the act out of range.

Excuse the typos I tend to leave some words out.
 Belle54
Joined: 9/6/2007
Msg: 128
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 10/9/2007 10:24:25 AM
My 1st marriage I was in the hospital more than I was at home due to the abuse of a severe alcoholic very rich man.

I would run and he would hire people to find me and bring me back, the police brought me back and he met us with a gun, the police left me with him, him with a gun.

I couldn't take it anymore, one night he had a double barrelled shotgun in my face and I told him to either kill me or get out of my face as I pushed the gun away from my face, the gun went off.

That was when I decided that suicide was a much better option, I almost succeded but he chose for me to live as he put it because HE was going to be the one to kill me that I wasn't going to outbest him. So I had my stomach pumped and after close to another year of living hell I got out.

Thank God my friends finally saw him for what he was and hid me out until I got about a 1000 miles away from him.

Strange, it's been years ago and I'm still scared of him. His family finally woke up and dis-owned him, they finally believed me when they had to come to the hospital to see for themselves what he had done to me and didn't recognize me.

So in some cases it's not a case of low self esteem, its a matter of whether you're going to live to make it another day OR you can get the help of friends who knew how to keep their mouths closed when push came to shove about my whereabouts.

Thank You Dear Friends.

Belle~
 AceBugger
Joined: 11/3/2007
Msg: 131
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 11/16/2007 3:39:21 PM
Lets not just say women its men too. . . People stay in abusive relationships because they include love, emotional dependency, commitment to the relationship, hope, view of violence as legitimate, guilt, fear, economic dependence, & isolation. . . . Now for women "Fear of Loneliness" is why most women stay what studies say. . . .
 NocturnalPrincess
Joined: 8/26/2006
Msg: 132
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 1/4/2008 10:02:41 AM
I have been absent for quite a while, but I felt this was an important story to share, and it will probably be a bit lengthy. I wasn't sure where to put it, or whether to begin a new thread, but this is as good a place as any.
It is easy for cops to become jaded, particularly in incidents of domestic violence. Pretty much everybody lies to the police to protect themselves or to protect the people they love. Domestic Violence takes that to the next level, because the Victims love their abusers, however dysfunctional, unhealthy, and potentially lethal that relationship. I am also rather jaded, but I still have the ability to try to go the extra mile to help someone as a rookie would.
Last night, we got a call for a male beating a female inside of a gas station convenience store. When we arrived, there was a young woman crying and the suspect was gone. I would give their races, except for I want to protect their identies and domestic violence has no race, color, nor gender preference distinctions in its dynamics.
The young lady said that she worked as a dancer, that her boyfriend had no job, and that he dropped her off and picked her up from work in a car she paid for, and that every day when he picked her up, she gave him her money.
He hit her outside but she had learned to shield herself from blows so she was only struck on the forearm, and she went into the store to try to call her mother or someone to pick her up while they tussled and he tried to take their phone away. The young ladies (23 & 20) inside secured her behind the employee counter, and his criminal history was extensive enough that he knew not to cross behind that counter. They called the police and we arrived within minutes.
Before I could talk to her, she was on the cell phone talking to him. Essentially, they were discussing that she didn't wanna be beat no more and that she didn't call the police but the people from the store did. Oh, yeah, and that he told her she was going to be dead.My partner got her information and another car went to the house to look for him (the lights were on but he parked the car elsewhere and did not answer the door).
On the way home from picking her up for work, he was angry that she didn't make enough money and he was drunk, so he accused her of giving freebies, not being good for anything, called her a slut, and accused her of cheating on him.
The story just keeps getting better from here. Normally, I shake my head sadly at people that choose to have pathetic lives, because there is nothing you can do to help them, from my experiences anyway, though I always still write a complete, thorough, and honest police report.
This young woman was only twenty-one years old. Her boyfirend that she has been with for almost five is thrity-four years-old. Do the math, people! She was sixteen when this predator got ahold of her.
It gets better. She got pregnant when she was thirteen, and now has an eight year-old child in foster care, that she is trying to get back. Somehow, she got her GED and intends to go to college next year, which we all know will never happen if she continues to give knucklehead all of her money, pay all of the bills, and most importantly, take steps towards self-esteem and independence.
I predicted most of this girl's answers, but I was gentler on her than I would have been with a forty year-old. I also suspect that if she got pregnant at such a young age that she had been exploited from a very young age.
She cried that she loved him.
I was reminded of a publication from the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children regarding juvenile prostitution and case studies in that booklet, something that I sought out on my own not through my Department
This girl was clearly afraid of this man, and she certainly loves him in her own dysfunctional way. While she revealed some of the abuses, before we shuttled her to the home to try to get some of her property (the girl did not even have on a coat and it was probably near zero with the wind chill), she asked if it was okay if she first used the bathroom. She went to the bathroom to call him and tell him that the police were bringing her to the house to get some things. He told her she could have everything, but that he was leaving, because it was "a set-up."
The plot thickens. About a year ago, he took her house keys away from her and never gave them back. Usually, she could get in the house with some clever use of a plastic card, but because of the cold, the card broke.
She called to warn him to leave. We obtained a picture of him which she steadfastly denied was him. By this time, my partner was completely fed up with her lies, designed to protect him ("If she doesn't want to help herself....???).
I asked my partner if he would let me write the narrative of the report, because he was writing the reports last night. I gave her what counseling I could in the limited time we interacted.
I am entitled to a 30 minute lunch break and overtime if I work late, but I worked through my lunch and then some to try to save this young woman's life. I was able to speak to her as a woman, as a somewhat veteran (does that mean old???) police officer, and as an adult child that grew up in a household filled with domestic violence (before it was ever designated as a crime).
Rather than ask her if she is able to read (she seemed rather articulate), I asked her if she had graduated, which is when I learned about her GED and college aspirations.
I told her that her boyfriend is nothing more than her pimp, except that instead of having her sell her tail and taking all of the money, he only has her shake it. Everytime she was lying to protect her, I made a point of letting her know that we knew.
Yet, when we dropped her off at a relative's for the night, she hesitated and asked about what if she changed her mind about doing something. WhooHoo! I at least reached her a little bit. She also hugged me warmly and thanked both my partner and myself, and I don't think she was being insincere (even though she denied to the end that the photo was that of her boyfriend).
We got a positive ID on this man from the witnesses from the same photo that the girl denied was him. My partner indulged my request to have the witnesses confirm his identity, because he was thoroughly fed up with trying to help a woman that did not want to help herself. Honestly, a half an hour after I could have been home, I was waiting to talk to the Detectives on my own time, actually waiting for the boss, to plea my case to help this girl. Naturally, it was his late day.
It turns out, it was the early day of the detective that would be handling the case! I hand-delivered my report (my partner did all of the fill in the blank stuff, and I provided the flesh per my request) and I filled him in on the details. My report solidly reflects the Victim Mentality of this girl, the Fear, and the obstacles facing indictment and prosecution.
I talked to another one of my coworkers about this, and he says that he would have developed the same level of apathy as my partner of the evening. I told him that this one was a bit different, had potential for a better life, and mentioned womens' intuition (because I do not feel this passionate about every case). My coworker told me in so many words that I was an Idiot, and a better person than him, because every day we see people back together before the ink is dry on our reports.
I yabbered at the detective, telling all of the intangibles that we have all seen too many times, but of the differences in her and why she so especially needed for us to swing the bat for her before she winds up just another statistic in the homicide column.
I had told her about the booklet from Missing & Exploited Children (never asking her if anyone had made her prostitute), since I established that she is able to read, and she was interested in reading it. One can only get one free copy, and since I gave away the copy I had to educate others, I called her to advise her on how to get the information.
I do not sugarcoat things very well, and I do not have a poker face.
She answered her phone! I had her write down the 800 number, the number and title of the publication, and I told her if she had any problems to get in touch with me. I also told her that this was on my own time, that I saw something special in her, and that is why I had not given up on her (which is entirely true).
She told me that she was on her way to talk to the detective about the case I had handed to him. This is a rare, few and far between, potential success story!
She was crying that if she gets away from him she has wasted five years of her life. I countered that if she stays with him for another five, then that means she has wasted ten years of her life!
I gave this young lady my name and promised I will always return her calls. I "gave" the City a free hour of work last night, but you cannot put a price on saving a life, turning it around. When she told me she was on her way in to talk to the detective, I was elated enough to write this post!
She is going to need a lot of support and encouragement to move on, but taking that first step is a giant step!
 NocturnalPrincess
Joined: 8/26/2006
Msg: 133
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 1/4/2008 12:03:04 PM
tommy_26
In this particular case of which I wrote, I think this is a young girl who doesn't know any other way, but craves a way out. I cannot say that means she will be attracted to a Good Guy over the Bad Boyz, but my main hope is to rescue her from The Cycle of Abuse.
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 134
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 1/4/2008 5:04:26 PM
NocturnalPrincess: very good post. More often than not, the victim - especially that young - needs someone else who cares enough to step out of the presumption box and show them how to take the first step safely. Even the older victims don't want to stay victims but with much more history behind them, it is even harder to believe that there is anything else in life beyond abuse. These are the often abandoned ones. What you mentioned about your partner's apathy is the norm sadly and is not limited to law enforcement but also family and friends of the respective victims (especially as it relates to repetitive incidents). Still - ultimately, as with an alcoholic, there has to be a bottoming out before the victim is even willing to take that first step. Great work with that young lady. You gave her a chance which is more than she had before. A chance is a start.
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 135
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 1/4/2008 7:23:14 PM
For allowing herself to be treated that way


Yep - that is part of the dysfunction. So is terror that you cannot possible imagine unless you have been there, not to mention the isolation and mind games that cause one to question their very own sanity at times. It's not about blame actually - more shared accountability but still - when the day is done the bottom line is the victim needs support, encouragement and the ability to leave safely and has to believe in all three - not an easy think to do at all. Remember, blahblah, all these victims know in a majority of cases is the very life they are living. That is all they know.

EDIT: just as it is unfathomable for a victim to remain in an abusive relationship, it is also just as unfathomable to the victim that people actually can enjoy relationships without fear, control, mind games, and all that is part of that vicious cycle of abuse.
 cindy_dc043
Joined: 7/25/2007
Msg: 136
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 1/5/2008 1:41:50 AM
i was in abusive relasionship for years.he was not abusive untill i married him.when we was dated he ackted like he was agensit guys abusing woman.but after i married him and was exspecting our first baby that,s when he got abusive.he would punch me.drang me thourgh the house by the hair.pick me up and though me out the door.call me real bad names and acuse me of stuff.islataed me from my friend,s and family.the reson i went back was because i loved him.and he would cry and beg me and promise to change.and his babies would cry and beg for thare dad.after we divorced every time he would do somthing good for his kids he would cuss me out for it.he died a mouth ago of cancer no chance of him changing now.i never called the laws on him.but a nabor girl did but thay never came.and once my cousion called tham and thay said it sounded like i was asking to be abused.so the cops never did try to help me.
 curiousaboutu77
Joined: 12/28/2007
Msg: 137
view profile
History
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 1/5/2008 2:04:39 AM
There is no doubt that there are so many reasons a person stays in a relationship. I guess to get out of a abusive relationship you need a lot of help and support to get out both physical and money and emotional support. As the person is being controlled they may have lost a lot of contacts and have minor social contacts and probably no money and fear of the consequences of trying. A lot of people are programed to stay out of other families business and support services may not be available to a lot of people to leave these situations. Some of these people find themselves homeless to get out of abusive relationships and there kids as well suffer the consequences of this not only the woman. I think that in australia the support services arent there for these people and it is very sad.
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 138
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 1/5/2008 4:42:46 AM

So needless to say, I tried to offer what comfort I could


Consider that exiting an abusive relationship is a process. While it may feel like you didn't do much, even what you did was a lot to her. As for "saving' her? She has to want to save herself more than she feels compelled to stay first.
 NocturnalPrincess
Joined: 8/26/2006
Msg: 139
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 1/5/2008 5:02:41 AM
Without doing extensive research, only walking through the trenches, I can tell everyone that often domestic violence gets worse during a woman's pregnancy though I do not know why that is.
Isolation is one of the many tools of control that an abuser uses.
Did you ever hear the parable of the boy walking along the beach covered with thousands of starfish, hurtling them back towards the water, one by one? Someone comes along and asks the boy what he is doing, and he says he is trying to save the starfish before they all die. The man says there is no way he can save them all, and the boy says that he is trying to save as many as he can, and even if he only saves one, then that is still one life saved.
The domestic cases that bother me the most are the ones in which a child calls, because back around 1978 I was that terrified child calling. I was terrified of the violence, and terrified to make that call, but the violence had escalated to the point where I was terrified to not make that call. That happened twice.
I will call the twenty-one year old gal that I reached out to my little project. There is a huge liklihood that she will wind up choosing another abuser, unfortunately. Nevertheless, I was able to plant some seeds, and it turns out that the detective gave her some information with resources and a support network, and now it is a matter of if she chooses to use it.
I had told this young woman that I have a dog with four legs instead of two: He doesn't work; I pay all of the bills; When I get home I have to feed him; I have to clean up after him...I told her the only difference between my dog and her boyfriend is that my dog doesn't abuse me!
A lot of the people writing are not the people that are caught up in The Cycle of Abuse. I genuinely hope that this thread is reaching the people that are caught up in it and that they take some steps to get out of those relationships and restore their self-esteems.
 NocturnalPrincess
Joined: 8/26/2006
Msg: 140
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 1/5/2008 5:12:45 AM
Re: Cindy

If the cops had come and asked you to write a statement that he had beaten you, would you have signed it and then watched him get hauled off to jail. Would you have then gone to the prosecutor and gone to court on this matter, or even if he were arrested against your cooperation, would you have been the one who bailed him out of jail?
I know that my Department has a policy that arrest is the preferred option if one can determine the primary physical aggressor, but when you hear an address and know the names before the dispatcher even tells you, that is bad! "Barbara, what is the problem today?"
At some point people have to take steps to help themselves. We as law enforcement can only help a person as far as they want to help themselves. Granted, I am a dork that collects resources to help people. Most of the time, when I do an out of curiosity inquiry, the Victims do not do their parts of the follow-ups and they are right back with their abusers doing the same old same old, hoping that it will get better, hoping the abuse will go away and that they can live blissfully in the HONEYMOON PHASE.
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 141
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 1/5/2008 5:23:07 AM
Victims do not do their parts of the follow-ups and they are right back with their abusers doing the same old same old, hoping that it will get better, hoping the abuse will go away and that they can live blissfully in the HONEYMOON PHASE.


Right on the mark. Been there and done that - barely survived yet I did obviously. And in every intervention for lack of a better word was a seed that took root. Maybe it didn't appear to make a difference at the time, but in the end - it was all a cumulative part of the process of getting out.
 midnight chatter
Joined: 12/28/2007
Msg: 142
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 1/6/2008 11:31:09 PM
sometimes, the devil you know is better than the devil you dont know.
 oregonmeetsmesa
Joined: 9/22/2005
Msg: 143
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 1/6/2008 11:34:29 PM
I think because they are afraid to leave and or always hope he will change
 NocturnalPrincess
Joined: 8/26/2006
Msg: 144
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 1/7/2008 3:32:43 AM
blahblah,
In many ways, I am like an outsider on the inside in the world of law enforcement. It often does become very depressing, because I still tend to wear my heart upon my sleeve.
I have learned to pick and choose my battles, and some people really are pretty hopeless and not worth battling over. When I was a rookie, I came into the job with the idea that if I could make a positive impact on just one person's life, then my existence on this planet made a difference. I have done that, but somehow I have still held onto that idealism even though I know I cannot save the world.
One thing that frustrates me is when a woman says that she keeps trying to break up with a boyfriend, but he won't let her! Obviously she isn't trying very hard, by taking his calls and agreeing to meet up with him.
On the other hand, I have an archive of resources that I have collected of all of the women that wind up dead when they finally make that decision to finally get away.
One man in NYC went to the bar where his girlfriend was a bartender. He had purchased a drink, then jumped over the bar and shot her, and shot her, and shot her. This was in public view and captured on surveillance video.
More often than not, people who are Victims are Victims of their own bad choices, and the help you offer to them that is available, they do not take for whatever reasons (fear, economic, for the children, self-esteem).Children are also Victims in households of abuse, and have a high propensity of becoming abusers or abusees.
Also, I learned that the APL works with animals that are Victims of dysfunctional households, to place critters in foster homes while the Victims reestablish themselves. Family pets also become Victims, and many times abusers of people are also abusers of family pets.
 americaninthailand
Joined: 12/15/2007
Msg: 145
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 1/7/2008 5:14:18 AM
Some people are weak, pathetic and desperate and/or have self esteem issues. There is a relationship for everyone if they want it.
 nycdoctor
Joined: 8/2/2005
Msg: 146
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 1/7/2008 5:31:17 AM
the guy might be HOT and they are too lazy to move to a new relationship
 Coltonic
Joined: 2/29/2008
Msg: 147
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/19/2008 7:06:35 AM
Dance with the devil, the devil does't change - the Devil changes you. An abuser is not going to change, regardless of how many times they tell you..."I'm sorry for hitting you, I love you." - what a lie!!! Some women, are attracted to this behaviour it's sad but true we are all creatures of habit.
 kittenshere41
Joined: 4/16/2008
Msg: 148
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/19/2008 7:14:08 AM
coltonic, It is not an attraction at all..you are dead wrong. I was married to an abuser for 6 yrs. the abuser is very controlling in one way or another, threats and such. alot of woman are scared. some men will hunt you down and kill ya..even tell ya that. You mr coltonic are not the abused so you have no idea what ur talking about when you say its an attraction to some women. now you wisen up and quit saying dumb stuff.
 Sharzi
Joined: 10/6/2007
Msg: 149
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/19/2008 7:37:59 AM
As someone who was in a very verbally abusive marriage for a long time, I would like to answer this.

From the get-go, abusive men are very adept at making you believe you are responsible for their rages or rants. Normally these men are very loving and sweet until they have you, so when the outbursts start and they blame you or something you did, you think maybe it's true because he wasn't like that before.

So, you spend your time trying to be a better person, not *cause* the rage. Your self-esteem takes a dive, and eventually you hate yourself for not being the best person you can be and causing this otherwise loving man to be angry.

Over time you're backed into a corner so much so, there doesn't seem to be a way out. Eventually, your only hope to escape that corner is right through him. You start to realize you were NOT the reason for his reactions. You did NOTHING wrong. And, then you find a way to get out.

But there is a problem that still exists. After so long being told you were bad or responsible, and your self-esteem being that low, it takes a while to ever feel worthy again, and maybe you never will.

It took me a long time to know that I am worthy, that I am a good person and deserve to be loved with a gentle hand.

OP... don't think for one minute that we craved their attention. What we craved was love and never felt worthy of it.

Sharzi
 wwwwwhatever
Joined: 7/6/2006
Msg: 150
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/19/2008 7:41:45 AM

Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?


"Because they like the abuse; awaaaay yea; yea a; yea a a!"
 Coltonic
Joined: 2/29/2008
Msg: 151
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/19/2008 10:13:17 AM
[You mr coltonic are not the abused so you have no idea what ur talking about when you say its an attraction to some women. now you wisen up and quit saying dumb stuff]

Sorry, to inform you kitty-cat...I was married for 6 years, 11 months, and 10 days and I'm a guy that had an abusive, manipulating, controlling wife. I was attracted to her when I first met her and it took 3 years into the marriage to see her real colors. Please do not tell me that I am not the abused. Now wisen up and don't assume you know me.
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