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 iceaxe
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 551
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POF LimericksPage 7 of 31    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31)
(repost from the fable of Mable)

There's a new blow up doll named Mable
that's what it says on the label
the likeness is uncanny
especially her fanny
so I threw my money on the table

Now dollies really aren't my thing
I would much prefer a fling
with someone real
but this doll made me feel
like I could recapture Mable's zing

When I got her home all alone
I swear that I heard her moan
my knees got weak
but it was only a leak
and my insidious plans were blown

til I found my trusty duct tape
and put some on her scrape
then I reinflated
while she fellated
which got us both back in shape

Well you all know the end of the story
I am now feeling really sorry
to tread on her memory
is not too exemplary
and Mable was never so boring

But they'll market anything to make a buck
and I fell for it like such a schmuck
Mable had that effect
to get men erect
then their large brains self-destruct

I hope the proceeds went to Mable's estate
then I'd feel better but still not great
it should be a crime
to make a dime
off of anyone past heaven's gate
 iceaxe
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 553
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Posted: 6/20/2008 9:10:22 AM
is this nun now a priest
still sworn to celibacy, but at least
she traded in her habit
and now can grab it
and the alter boys are soon to be greased

(they just cleared a spot in hell for me, I reckon)
 iceaxe
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 556
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Posted: 6/23/2008 2:27:36 AM
Lorraina Bobbit could reverse it I think
she's good with a knife, have it off in a wink
he'd be back to a she
but I think he's happy
being able to play with his dink

and since he's kicked the habit
he's been fvcking like a rabbit
from burrow to burrow
like there's no tomorrow
and ten times on the sabbath

making up for lost time at the nunnery
now he's equipped with the latest gunnery
lavishing in sin
every time he logs in
to the POF forums of punnery
 iceaxe
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 558
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Posted: 6/23/2008 2:36:12 PM
All that trouble so he could bless bread and wine
and not even use it for a real good time
that is true devotion
to the weird notion
that on Jesus' flesh we dine

I mean to get a new set of glands
and not give in to the demands
that a penis puts forth
when pointing north
he took gods work into his own hands

guess he wanted to be created in the image of God
but is God a man? would a woman God be odd?
does a god even have sex
and with what effects
perhaps the whole thing is a god-damned fraud
 iceaxe
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 559
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Posted: 6/23/2008 4:37:11 PM
George Carlin was very complicit
When he spoke seven words too explicit
he always questioned authority
and spoke for the silent majority
when he said "sh*t piss fvck cvnt coksvcker motherfvcker tit"

They are only words he said
until they take form in your head
FCC calls them bad
tries to play your dad
and bleeps them all out instead
 iceaxe
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 561
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Posted: 6/23/2008 6:24:23 PM
George Carlin was a comedian who died yesterday
quirky old coot in his own special way
he made us laugh
and his epitaph
should read "I'll watch society crater from far away"
 iceaxe
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 564
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Posted: 6/24/2008 7:16:32 PM
Back before she became known as the transistor
a priest from the rectory snuck up and kissed her
she blushed so bad
cause the priest was her dad
with a bad habit of making new sisters

and all the alter boys looked like him
right down to the cheekbones and the squared off chin
he wasn't no saint
he showed little restraint
and the parish was full of his sin

so transistor concocted a plan
that's how her new life began
revenge would be sweet
when the change was complete
and she could give it to him like a man
 iceaxe
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 565
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Posted: 6/26/2008 9:27:17 PM
Is it true the hand is man's best friend
never refuses and doesn't require you spend
a wad of money
to find a honey
and can go the entire weekend
 iceaxe
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 568
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Posted: 7/7/2008 11:21:17 AM
I know I'm evil, I'm bad to the bone
and bondage is something I shouldn't condone
but its the only way
I can make them stay
so I am not left here sitting all alone

I learned how to tie the bowline and hitch
so I could bound and gag that hot little bytch
I fancied her fanny hot
but tied a granny knot
so she escaped and ran off not wearing a stitch

So come to my place for dinner
I said to the little spinner
whether we're compatible or not
we'll tie the knot
and both come out the winner

well she detected the glint in my eye
and said you're not my kind of guy
so go away
with your macrame
my hands and legs you will not tie

well I felt like such a dope
so I got rid of all my rope
its safe to say
there's a better way
to cope with the need to grope
 iceaxe
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 569
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Posted: 7/10/2008 10:28:26 AM
I was once with a witch who concocted a brew
from her steamy cauldron a cup she drew
when I started drinking
I was not clearly thinking
and ended up with warts on my tool

she had the most crooked nose on her face
to be seen with her would be a disgrace
but she cast a spell
under which I fell
and she said my warts hit her in just the right place

so now I feel cursed with an STD
but that is not all that she gave me
when she lit a candle
and greased her broom handle
I knew I really had to flee
 pelmary
Joined: 2/16/2008
Msg: 574
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Posted: 7/27/2008 6:29:02 PM
There once was a clock named Ben
Who didn't have much of a chin,
But as tall as he is
and with eyes like his
Who cares if he doesn't grin
 iceaxe
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 575
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Posted: 10/21/2008 9:38:22 PM
what a wonderful witty tirade
for which no accolades were paid
but you cut to the chase
with limited space
a liberal beach bum, nuf said
 iceaxe
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 576
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Posted: 12/23/2008 1:09:47 PM
There once was a man named St. Nick
whose white pubic hair was so thick
that Ms. Clause would exclaim
without laying blame
"My dear do you even have a dyck?"

"Now what would I do with that?"
He harrumphed with the shaking of fat
"life spent on the skids
and I got plenty of kids
besides the cold would render it flat"
 iceaxe
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 577
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Posted: 12/31/2008 10:55:04 AM
There once were a couple of swine
who screwed up by design
seeming hellbent
to prove government
was inept and out of line

go ahead, call me a cynic
but it all really makes me sick
it may sound crude
but we were screwed
appropriately by a Bush and a Dick
 Druid59
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 578
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Posted: 1/3/2009 4:50:42 PM
hmm...

do you think that when god designed nipples
he'd had just one too many communal wine tipples?
as their function's not clear
occasionally dispense milk and not beer
and can prove to be terribly fickle

Was this his idea of a joke
as he disappeared out back for a smoke
cos the quality control is so bad
all different sizes can he had
which makes them a pig in a poke
 Druid59
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 579
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Posted: 1/4/2009 8:35:03 AM
hmm...

One wonders when the double-entendre
managed to jump itself over the pond
The french like to play it
whilst the english just say it
and therein, I expect lies the bond
 Druid59
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 580
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Posted: 1/4/2009 8:40:26 AM
Hmm...

the once was a crime committed on the strand
to****ey rhyming slang old man
He found his wallet had been plucked
leaving him quite firmly stuck
and he said I am donald ducked, yes I am
 Druid59
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 583
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Posted: 1/6/2009 9:28:03 AM
hmm...

The mother in law you must abor
she aims to make you obscure
while you stand there and parlez
she could suck start a harley
she's out for your blood I am sure
 Druid59
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 584
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Posted: 1/6/2009 9:37:23 AM
Hmm...

there was an old codger with glee
who off the rooftops would pee
the folk below who did not like that
caught him and and called him a prat
then hung him till dead from a tree
 Druid59
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 585
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Posted: 1/6/2009 12:40:15 PM
Hmm...

Sant Claus got knocked off course and hit Venus
when a meteor struck him in the p.enis
all the worlds kids could only stare
as their stockings were bare
with hardly a present between us
 Amazin2u
Joined: 9/2/2008
Msg: 586
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Posted: 1/6/2009 2:51:59 PM
I once had a boyfriend name Wesley
Who liked to eat chocolate especially
He didn't dive on muff
Which I found to be tough
Until I simply covered it in Nestle
 Druid59
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 587
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Posted: 1/6/2009 5:58:16 PM
amazing....you made me laugh!!...rock and roll

whenever did muff get too tough
that you could ever get enough
when you open the wrapper
its the colour of Red Snapper
and tastes quite the same, sho' enuf....
 Amazin2u
Joined: 9/2/2008
Msg: 588
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Posted: 1/6/2009 10:44:19 PM
Another boyfriend named Chin
came to the house for din din
had a fondue made from velveeta
became a cheese covered little peeta
and I soon had a big ole orange grin
 Druid59
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 589
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Posted: 1/7/2009 7:02:43 AM
hmm...

there was a soldier name of Hank
who whilst on guard duty often drank
this was because his heart had sank
He would rather be in his tank
with hatches closed having a .........................sleep......
 Druid59
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 591
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Posted: 1/8/2009 11:17:14 AM
Hmm...

A young lady with deft repartee
exlained all about her third mammary
her complicated triple bra
engineered from afar
was plainly open for all there to see

A round of applause like a ripple
was gained at the site of a nipple
but the crowd cried with glee
at the sight of all three
and all had but many a tipple

A poor lad could only but stare
at the sight of this wonder quite bare
amidst hoots of derision
he doubted his vision
but in truth he just really didn't care

The local vicar who thought eminently
that a blessing was needed praise be
thought it right that he oughta
spray them with holy water
and annointed them also for free

when the local baker this he did spy
cried "I best put them into a pie"
so he pastried her nicely
absolutely precisely
a piece of which everyone wanted to try
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