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Joined: 6/9/2006
Msg: 8
Have you had to BURY one of your kids?Page 4 of 10    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
i have never had to bury a child i couldnt imagine how much pain that must be. im so sorry. i was pregnant with twins 3 years ago, and lost one at almost 5 months. that was really hard. but nothing compared to what u have gone thru. i hope u can find someone to talk to.
Joined: 7/18/2006
Msg: 12
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Have you had to BURY one of your kids?
Posted: 7/22/2006 9:33:51 PM
not yet....I know I will outlive my child though...he is 7, severely affected with CP (cerebral palsy)...he is past his life expectancy...I can't relate to the loss yet...but the anticipated loss haunts me every day...He is all I have and have had...I had him 2 days before my 19th bday...been a single mother since he was 9 months old....I understand your anger and what haunts you in a different is not accidents that will kill my is life...a cold someone doesn't contain or tell me about...or someone leaving the door open and letting in a hobo (poisonous spiders around my house) or a mosquito...yes, believe it or not...they've caused a serious infection...I get angry at the medical system....they wait a year to approve needed wheelchair parts...allowing his spine to sag, giving him scoliosis....and holding him straight all night couldn't fix it.....I get so mad sometimes I can't see straight....but know that I can't fix it...feeling helpless is the most angering...I can't fix it, I can't stop the inevitable, and I can't make others "see"....I go from moments of rage over it, to moments of grief that seem to never end...I am aware that somewhere in the middle...I still have my son so I still have the joy in the midst....I don't know how to tell you to cope....I can't even begin to cope with the fact that I will see my child die....and therapy?? yeah, right, I am one sequence away from getting my BA in psychology...I've seen em....some people just hurt deeper and longer than others
But I can tell you that not all mothers that sleep with thier children in bed with them can't hear them...when I became a mother, especially of my son....i can bolt up from across the room if his respiratory rate changes...when he sleeps in my arms...I wake up if I feel his heartbeat increase....i am tuned into him in a way that defies mortal explanation.....this said...i still completely understand your feelings on the matter, I would have them as well....
Joined: 6/29/2006
Msg: 13
Have you had to BURY one of your kids?
Posted: 7/22/2006 10:47:46 PM

if so, how did you cope? My first son was killed by his mother. While I was at work on 1.1.2000. Im not doing very well, my patience is extremely short and I do not smile nearly as much as I once did.

I knew a young 14 year old kid from a troubled home a few years back though one of his relatives that worked for me. Well the kid was big for his age, and looked alot like his father. I guess the divorce was not amicable between the husband and wife.

The mother of the kid was a pretty heavy drinker. A borderline alcoholic actually. The state gave her custody anyway. One night she was drunk pretty bad, saw her son, and since he looked like his father, she must have thought, in her sauced out mind, that her son was actually her husband.

She stabbed him in the neck with a kitchen knife a bunch of times when her son's back was turned.

I went to the funeral. Talked to the father some. The big thing I noticed was how he kept saying how he should have been there. How if he had done one thing different or one thing faster or slower that day, maybe his son would still be alive. I could tell that that kind of thought, that burden, would haunt him forever. I could really tell that if he had a gun in his hand that day, he would have eaten his gun gladly.

So yeah, if your son was killed by his mother, I can totally see how you would replay that entire day in your head. Minute for minute. Thinking about each thing you did that day, and thinking about how each moment could have been a chance to make a different decision or a different action, that might have changed the course of the days events. I mean that must an incredible amount of guilt to carry day after day after day.

Theres a saying, that a man dying before his child is just the natural order of life. But that a child would die before his father, and that the father would have to live with it, was the greatest tragedy a human could endure.

All I can say is, you've probably had some dark days in your life the past half decade, and maybe the pain became too overwhelming. I'm sure the desire to eat a gun was there with you too. Maybe if its too much to bear, you might consider admitting yourself to a psychiatric facility. Sometimes the pain is greater than our ability to cope.

Like I said, sorry for your loss, the guilt you must carry everyday, about the things you could have done differently that day, must be quite a load to shoulder alone.
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 14
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Have you had to BURY one of your kids?
Posted: 7/24/2006 12:57:53 AM
Yes ... just lost the baby of my four ... Oct 2005. He was 22 years old. The pain is indescribable. It seems it can be crippling at times. You find yourself suddenly sad and you know you have to cry. You look for a discreet place to engulf your sadness, grab a cold washcloth or paper towel and wipe the sadness from your face and go out and continue.

For those of us who have to be there for many ... it can be a distraction ... but often it's not a distraction that one wishes for. Sometimes we just have to have time to ourselves to deal with our feelings. When that time overtakes you it's not always convenient.

The one thing I want to emphasize here is that although we have lost a loved one, we should not be considered "damaged goods" or "mental cases" ... we have lost our child, not our minds. I have actually encounted gentlemen who question my ability to become involved in a relationship once they hear I have lost my son so recently. I don't understand why they would do that ... I'm still a human being, a viable woman and I still want companionship in my life.

My son was involved in alcohol abuse ... it's a genetic thing in his father's family. His father also has alcohol problems. My son was also ADHD and easily distracted from making good decisions about his life. I found out after his death that his father had contributed to the problem by furnishing him with alcohol long before he was old enough to buy it himself.

At one point, he got caught in a DUI. He lived out of state from me. He called me and asked me if he could come live with me ... I asked him what was going on? I knew he was buying a Condo. He told me of the DUI and I told him he had to stay there and clean up the mess he started there, but then he could come to me and we would then take the necessary steps to help him get his life back in order.

He went to detox, then started his rehab program. I wanted him to do in-house, he chose to do the rehab 3 days per week ... 4 hours per day and went to live with his sister while that was going on. He couldn't go to his father's place ... alcohol available, couldn't go to his condo ... roommate was also a "drinker". So big sister took him in and told him he could stay as long as needed.

Due to the DUI, he lost his job, so he spent his time away from rehab searching for a job. Walked in one day to find big sister on the computer looking for another place for him to stay ... I anticipate that was a real kick in the teeth. He was found dead in his bed a couple of weeks later. He died from "Huffing".

I know he did not purposely kill himself because we had been making plans to take a trip to Hawaii and he was going to move there with me. I have very limited information about what went on before his death as his sister and father will not speak to me. I know only that he had a very restless night the night before he was found dead and when they found him he was in a fetal position in his bed still cradling the can he had been huffing from in his hands.

My theory is that he craved the buzz from the alcohol and wanted to remain compliant with the program and not prove positive for alcohol at test time. So he turned to huffing ... it's a mementary high and the effects generally wear off after about 15 or 20 minutes. He must have been doing it all night.

The only other thing that I ask of anyone who has not lost a child personally is that they do not pat me on the back and mindlessly say ... "I know what you must be going through." Please do not do that. Unless you have lost a child, you cannot possibly fathom the pain ... the emptiness ... the loss. There simply are no words to describe the feeling.

For all of you who have lost your child or children ... I know what you're going through and my heart truly goes out to you. I'll never forget my son as long as I live. I'll never forget the last time he hugged me with his strong arms and told me he loved me.

I miss hearing his voice, I miss his wonderful hugs, I was not done with him yet, and I want him back.

Edit: I want to thank all my wonderful friends on here who flocked to my side when they heard of my loss ... I honestly don't know what I would have done without your support. I don't know what I would do without the support you still minister to me. You all are wonderful and I'm not sure I could have gotten through it alone.
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 18
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Have you had to BURY one of your kids?
Posted: 7/25/2006 8:46:42 AM
@YEAIDD ... related to message 44 & 45
COTTER-What is 'huffing'?

Thank you for asking ... the more people who are informed about this dreadful habit ... the more I hope it can be prevented.

The Abuse of Inhalants

Abusers, primarily adolescents, inhale chemical vapors from a variety of substances, many of which are common household products. These young people abuse inhalants in order to obtain a euphoric effect and are often unaware of the potential risks, which include brain damage and death.

Inhalant abuse, commonly called huffing, is the purposeful inhalation of chemical vapors to achieve an altered mental or physical state, which for most abusers is a euphoric effect. Abusers inhale vapors emitted from a wide range of substances. In fact, chemical vapors used as inhalants can be found in over 1,000 common household products.

For most users, inhalant abuse results in a rapid euphoric effect that is similar to alcohol intoxication. Users experience initial excitation, then drowsiness, lightheadedness, and agitation. Inhalant abusers also report feeling a loss of inhibitions.

Death from inhalant abuse can occur after a single use or after prolonged use. Sudden sniffing death (SSD) may result within minutes of inhalant abuse from irregular heart rhythm leading to heart failure. Other causes of death include asphyxiation, aspiration, or suffocation.
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 20
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Have you had to BURY one of your kids?
Posted: 7/26/2006 3:23:32 PM
^^^^^ ^^^^^^


Wonderful happy ending! .... great pictures of you little guy! You go girl!
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 25
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Have you had to BURY one of your kids?
Posted: 8/6/2006 1:06:06 AM
^^^Yes ... compassionate friends ... worked with them briefly in Hawaii and have now contacted them. They have groups here in Arizona but the web site does not offer telephone numbers and addresses! Still doing the research to find one close by.
Joined: 8/6/2006
Msg: 29
Have you had to BURY one of your kids?
Posted: 9/21/2006 10:33:11 AM
I still am hurting daily...My only child, a son, died in November 2001 of Pancreatic Cancer. It is an older persons disease and he died of it in his 20's.
He was diagnosed in March and died 8 months later. The doctors said it would happen between 6-12 months.
How do you cope ? What do you say to your son when you know his time is limited ? How can you be strong when you know hope is useless ?
I live each day as if it were my last ...I tend to appreciate the smaller things that I used to ignore...I, on the other hand, do have more patience and understanding, but I do understand what YEAIDD is saying...It is so frustrating to realize how helpless I was....
Little things, now make me cry, a smell, a sight, a sound...Sitting at home, seeing his pictures....
I know it will never get any easier, the pain has somewhat eased, but I never stop missing my son......It a terrible and never ending.....
If you know someone who has lost a child, NEVER tell them "I know how you feel", because if you haven't lost a child, you have no idea of what they are going through....
I love you Brandon and miss you more than you will ever know...................
Joined: 10/4/2006
Msg: 43
Have you had to BURY one of your kids?
Posted: 10/22/2006 6:07:13 PM
YEAIDD...I am very sorry for your loss and now the custody battle.....

I am very confused here with the way things have been dealt with in you rsituation and others I have read here......

I am from canada and when anyone passes away in the home there is a automatic investigation and autopsy is not requested, it is just done.....I know of 3 cases personally where this has happened......

Also the judicial aspects of child custody regarding both you and .csimonds....even though you are not married to the mothers, you are named as the father, the child carries your name, are the legal father of this if, and's , or buts......if you have any proof what-so-ever that the mother is un-fit any judge in his right mind should give you custody....and if not I would fight my hardest if i were you......

didn't think the laws differed so much between the two countries

I did not loose a child myself but was there for two of my sisters who did......

the first one was 9 yreas ago, she was 16 and was killed in a drunk driving sister and her other children were devestated as was the rest of us.....this girl was more like a baby sister to me than a niece.....and since this has happened I have become even closer to my sister because I am someone she can still talk to about her daughter without trying to avoid the discussion......

The second one was only two years ago when my sister found her 21 year old on his apartment floor in a position where she thought he was just asleep but when she checked he was already cold and blue. her and her husband are having a very difficult time...expecially the husband......they are still griefing profusly.......

I feel grief counsoling is the best way to deal with it....this way you have an outside person looking at it and can give you a different perspective.....I even went to deal with my niece because I was so angry at the driver os the vehicle she was in.....

Eventually the anger and pain will turn into good sweet memeories of your child.....

May God Bless you and may your healing journey be a positive onel.....
Joined: 8/27/2006
Msg: 47
Have you had to BURY one of your kids?
Posted: 1/3/2007 7:30:46 PM
I have not buried any of my children but I have lost 6 to miscarriage so the pain of that loss is still there. I had a friend who was also a single mom, 3 years ago dec 6 her car was hit by a semi, her only 2 children were killed instantly. At 16 I attended the funeral of the sister my b/f she was 7 when she passed from a severe disability. Just last month a friend delivered her stillborn son at 7 month pregnant. I have watched so many people go through that pain of losing a child, it's not right. No matter what the circumstances of the death no one should have to go through that.,

I can understand why you would be against cosleeping after the death of your son. I am the opposite. The dr's attribute my co-sleeping with my son, to be what kept him alive and not dieing while he was still in the hospital and once coming home. You see my eldest was born 1 month premature, with severe apneas, meaning he stopped breathing EVERY minute for 20 seconds or more. I was so smitten with him I couldn't put him down so I slept with him on my chest in the hospital bed. 3 days passed and they were getting ready to discharge him, no one knew he wasn't breathing properly. They did a test to see how well he would breathe scrunched up in his carseat like they do for all preemies out here. That's when they discovered he had been living without proper oxygen for 3 days. The dr said the fact I co-slept with him is what likely kept him alive. WHen he came home after spending 4 more days in the nicu he coslept for 2 more years as did my other children. I can hear the pain and angry in your posts about cosleeping and the circumstances of his death, but please do not condemn all mothers who cosleep for we are doing what is best for our children. Of course the difference is I don't drink so I never went to bed drunk or hung over with a baby, nor do i keep extra pillows etc.
Joined: 3/7/2006
Msg: 49
Have you had to BURY one of your kids?
Posted: 1/18/2007 5:37:05 AM
yes i have, killed by a drunk driver. Its been 13yrs and i still cry at holidays and the anniversary. i think any drunk driver that takes a life should be charged with murder
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 51
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Have you had to BURY one of your kids?
Posted: 1/23/2007 2:21:30 PM
These words are written with reference to my msg. 44 on this thread.

To all of you who have had to BURY a child ...
I know your loss, I know your pain, and my heart goes out to you.
Let us embrace each other, let us give comfort to each other.

My son would have been 24 years old today.


January 23, 1983
Oh what a day
Just as we had planned
You were on your way.

The labor had begun
Many days before
Nothing new to me
I knew what was in store

The pains were getting closer
Things were coming to a peak
I knew in my heart
This one too would be unique.

Illness had left me weak
But I had no fear
My only thoughts then
Were just to hold you near.

Your father on my left
The doctor on my right
The midwife said, "Push"
Oh dear, what a sight.

First there was a head
And no time to spare
Then came the whoosh
And you were there.

Yes there you were
You were just minutes new
As I held you in my arms
And gazed down upon you.

And as you grew
You took all in stride
Another small goal achieved
Then you beamed with pride.

Life is a mystery
Challenges you had
Sometimes things got awkward
But it wasn't all bad.

With so much life in you
And the love you gave
Oh what a difference
You certainly made.

Time marched on
As you made your way
And then came the call
That ominous day.

And of all the things
Through the days, months, and years
So it came to pass
Every parent's foremost fears.

As I sat there listening
Trying to comprehend
I knew my broken heart
Would just never mend.

A day doesn't go by
That I don't think of you
Some more sad than others
Happy ones are still few.

I'm crying now
And I let my mind wander
As I write these words
My thoughts just grow fonder.

To have you near me
Is just a thought away
You give me strength
When things begin to fray.

These few lines
I dedicate to you
Forever in my heart
My dearest Andrew.

My Andy died October 6, 2005.
Thank you everyone ... who has been there for me and who continues to be there for me.

Joined: 8/16/2006
Msg: 53
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Have you had to BURY one of your kids?
Posted: 1/23/2007 4:59:44 PM
My heart truly goes out to you and yes I have been through it my daughter has been gone for 20 years now and I had a really bad time of it at first but I depended on God to see me through and He has. Do you have other kids? I do so that also made me realise for their sakes I had to continue living never mind that for the longest time I just didnt understand why she had to go. Just remember the time you had together and treasure it. God Bless you. Sandra47ok
Joined: 8/27/2007
Msg: 62
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Have you had to BURY one of your kids?
Posted: 9/9/2007 2:00:43 PM
My heart goes out to you....

I lost one child to stillbirth...14 years ago. I still think of her often, and get teary. She will alwways be in my heart.

It would be disrespectful for me to say I understand, that is a very personal pain. But I do know for me it is one of the hardest things I have had to experience. I hope you are getting grief counselling and other support.

Many bright blessings and comfort to you.

Joined: 9/7/2007
Msg: 68
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Have you had to BURY one of your kids?
Posted: 1/2/2008 10:28:15 PM
YEAIDD, you need to talk to a professional (counselor, psychiatrist, something like that). What you went through is one of the toughest things to deal with but you can't continue to let it eat the rest of your life away. You have other children to think of and family that loves you. Forget the embarassment or the worry or whatever is keeping you from getting help. Do what you need to do to start healing. It will eat you alive if you don't deal with it (constructively). Each day is a new day. Each day is a new start. My favorite quote is "I will not merely endure, I will prevail".
P.S. I haven't lost a child. My son has a severe birth defect and will eventually die (at a very young age). I deal with feelings like you everyday. Get help now before you can't.
Joined: 4/22/2008
Msg: 74
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Have you had to BURY one of your kids?
Posted: 10/14/2008 10:53:45 PM
You have my sympathy. While I have never had to bury my child, thank God, I understand loss. Have you talked with a grief counselor or therapist? What about antidepressants to get you over the hump?
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