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 magicsongirl
Joined: 10/26/2005
Msg: 5
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Question for fellow sex abuse survivorsPage 2 of 2    (1, 2)
Hi Knytesprite!
Thanks for all you said. I was raped by my wasband too. It is such a betrayal, beyond words. The irony is it was when I was dealing with the sexual abuse in therapy and just needed a break, needed to initiate contact. He came into therapy and did this good guy thing..."Oh, anything for you. Of course." Therapist says I am so lucky to have such a caring guy. Came home and he raped me on the lawn. Looked me in the eyes and said, "I don't care." Then, later he tells me he is carrying a resentment that I would even ask for a time out.

After that, it happened frequently and my therapist wanted me to go to a shelter. But, gee, I'm middle classed, we don't do that. LOL

But, yeah, that is such a betrayal.

I've been on both sides of the eating coin, mentioned it somewhere. I got so thin the doc was talking about intervening, and my mother and wasband were still telling me I was fat.

Oh well. I've had tons of therapy...just in a bit of a spin and wanting to get past this not feeling safe crap once and for all. I've done lots of creative things trying to fix this one, but it comes back.

Great advice, thanks!!
 magicsongirl
Joined: 10/26/2005
Msg: 6
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Question for fellow abuse survivors
Posted: 7/30/2006 9:37:41 PM
Thanks, Tanner!

Yeahhhh...I had two bad experiences with men who called themselves Christians...one was dressed like a minister and offered me a ride when I was caught walking in the rain, the other was a youth minister.

Ohhhhh, to think what you went through in the ER, etc. What a heartbreak!!!!! So not right.

It doesn't necessarily work, you're right, and I had trouble being heavy as well as thin...it's been a hoot trying to convince myself that's the case. Logic doesn't seem to cut it. And I've had tons of help from very good people/professionals, etc. Not like I"m new to this stuff. Just never have gotten past this and enough already.

Oh well...things are shifting.

Love to chat privately. I've been away for a week, and have so much mail it's driving me nuts! So, if you don't hear right away, that's why. I'm deleting five hundred offers for free business cards. lol

Thanks@!
 magicsongirl
Joined: 10/26/2005
Msg: 7
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Question for fellow sex abuse survivors
Posted: 7/30/2006 9:43:16 PM
Awww, monilove, thanks...means a lot. People that haven't been there just don't know, you're right. It's not about making sense. LOL

I'm with you, talking helps. Just saying something out loud has power, which is why I said something out loud.

I had a teacher tell me there are laughers and whiners, and to try to hang out with the laughers.

So, hey, whatever works for you, but glad you're a laugher, personally.

magic
 magicsongirl
Joined: 10/26/2005
Msg: 8
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Question for fellow sex abuse survivors
Posted: 7/30/2006 9:45:16 PM
How sweet and beautiful. Thanks, Cynderella!
 magicsongirl
Joined: 10/26/2005
Msg: 9
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Question for fellow sex abuse survivors
Posted: 7/30/2006 9:48:49 PM
I've known several men that were abused, Wolf. It was so hard for them to open up and not laugh it off and play stud muffin, etc. I"m glad you're here talking about it.

I'm also glad you're happy and in a great relationship.
 magicsongirl
Joined: 10/26/2005
Msg: 10
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Question for fellow abuse survivors
Posted: 7/31/2006 7:29:15 AM
Thanks, KH,
Sounds like you are turning your scars into stars.

I keep thinking of the 12 step promise, "We will not regret the past. Neither will we wish to shut the door upon it."

False memory syndrome is pretty rare, last I heard. Has that changed?

Working on your stuff is not wallowing. Being open about your past, and your healing, is not defining yourself by it. It can be, and I appreciate what you say here. You sound like a cheerleader for Life, and that's wonderful.

I worry about seeing a moment in someone's life, a few minutes where they post something, and thinking I see the whole picture. You don't know how I define my life, KH, or how I live. You saw one glimpse where I was wondering if others would share their experience, strength and hope.

Personally, I am grateful to Oprah, and Maya Angelou, and Roseanne, and John Bradshaw, and everyone else that made it safer for people to be open and honest and heal. I look at my parent's generation, all the secrets, all the healing that didn't happen and how others had to pay for that.

I'm just trying to make the buck stop here so my kids don't have to do the work for me.
 rossal
Joined: 12/5/2005
Msg: 11
Question for fellow abuse survivors
Posted: 7/31/2006 8:52:54 AM
Hi, sweetie: have you considered getting some counseling?

I am (also) a survivor of verbal, physical and sexual abuse....I like to think of myself as an overcomer and wounded-healer, (instead of survivor), because overcomer denotes action to me.....oh, I forgot another kind of abuse (I'd never heard of until I experienced it); spiritual (abuse)......

You sound like you have done a lot of work, and 'get it."

Yes, secrets "kill" families. One of my favorite words is --authentic........if we could only be that.....and say at least one nice/healing thing to at least ONE person every day....

The world........would change!

With hugs and love and the brush of an angel's wing for (continued) healing.......

Rossal

P.S. I've been able to make "beauty from the ashes"----from a lifetime (except for 3 years in the army) living with abuse......written my memoir; on internet radio (regarding verbal abuse), etc., etc.....I'll quit here; rarely toot my own horn, so hope no one is offended....my friends tell me I don't give myself enough credit, so I was starting too............when I quit, LOL, LOL!!
 magicsongirl
Joined: 10/26/2005
Msg: 12
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Question for fellow abuse survivors
Posted: 7/31/2006 3:10:01 PM
Loved the angel's wings, thanks, Rossal!

I've been in therapy several times, I was just sitting here counting five therapists...maybe an even half dozen would be fun...and have done energy work, many complimentary modalities which I love and treasure it all.

Just sitting here thinking, though, that maybe what I need is a self defense course so I can feel like the next time some big lug of a man looks into my eyes and says, "I don't care" when I ask, tell, beg him to stop, I can kick his raunchy behind.

I've dealt with this issue in therapy, though that doesn't mean it won't be helpful to try again, maybe the time is right.

I just don't feel safe. I just had a date, heavy as I am, that scared the crap out of me...another not taking no man...and I just thought it was a friend situation, not even a date date. Anyone else just shut down when this stuff hits the fan? Man, that makes me mad!!

But, I was told that might always be an issue for me. I had to shut down so much. And there are times I haven't, but not sexual abuse. I'm getting better there. I'm sure getting tired of it already!!

Keep shining and keep tooting, Rossal!
 u found me
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 13
Question for fellow sex abuse survivors
Posted: 7/31/2006 3:36:25 PM
I fortunately have not had the same experience as yourself. the abuse i suffered was usually with a fist or really harsh and downgrading words. I am no longer with that person, thankgod, and I feel great. I feel like I am finnally able to breath and make my own choices. But I'm real nervous. Who knows if I'llever fall in love again, and if I do, will I ever feel safe again. Will the next person treat me better?

As for yourself, I think recovering from your experience is definitely not easy. I'm sure you've been through therapy, as have I. and I am glad you are feeling better.

About the self-defense thing. I went down that road, and it gave me a lot of confidence. I won a board breaking contest and I was the only girl. Guess I had a lot of regression. I think it is a great idea and it will boost your self esteem. I stopped taking the karatee classes due to financial reasons, but I will go back, trust me. I met a lot of great people and I was not the only girl. There is a man out there who does great seminars, contact him....William Gibbs Nelson. He wrote a book, "Your weapon within, How to lower the risk of sexual assault" I went to one and it was very informative.

William Gibbs Nelson
Potzer Productions,
223 7th Avenue south
St. Cloud,MN56301 Best of Luck, Connie(a friend)
 Oldenburg
Joined: 7/27/2006
Msg: 14
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Question for fellow sex abuse survivors
Posted: 7/31/2006 5:10:18 PM
There are as many differnt was to deal with abuse as there are types of abuse' in this case your talking about sexuall abuse and like the other guy I too was sexually abused, and the there are a few things that I learned through counsling...1st you have to beable to realizes that what you went through wasnt your fault you did nothing wrong (harder to do than just say it takes time to convince your self). 2nd you have to forgive the person or persons who did it to you inorder to heal your self...(you can never for get but you can forgive)...I have done a lot of soul seraching over the years and the two biggest thing have do or have done is I dont let it control me any more, and the other thing I have done is joined and organization called Bikers Against Child Abuse I have found so much healing when I help a child who is going throught the same thing i did. and because I have been through it I have a gift of being able to help the chilfren open up and understand it a little better..
You have to remember that the people who do this are not right in the mind and here is a sad statisice to think about 1 abuser in his life time will abuse 260 people and of those 1/2 will become abusers them self unless they get help.
Now to the lady who lost her rights to her children you need to talk to someone because if you had no knowledge of your ex doing this and they gave your child to his parents your daugther could be in a stciky situation no one just becomes an abuse it it starts somewhere and in most cases its in the home...you really need to find a lawyer who is willing to do this Pro Bono (no cost to you)....I have a law degree and this sounds to me like you might live in a small town and if you do you need a lawyer from another county and you need a change of Venue for a new trial to get your daughter back because if your in a small town you are dealing with what is known as the Good Ol'Boy theory where everyone knows everyone and money talks.....and to the guy who thinks women wanted him as a thropy man are you full of your self or what I dont give a crap if you were abuse onnce or more than once NO ONE EVER THINKS THAT WAY YOU MUST THING YOUR GODS GIFT TO WOMEN AND GUESS WHAT PAL NO ONE IS THAT DAM GOOD!!!!! NOT EVEN YOU!!!! I have spent to many years dealing with abuse children and i have never in my life met anyone talk as dumb as some of the stuff you are saying and just so you know one of my abusers was a 32 year old woman and i was 15 years old they didnt want you as a thropy you just filled a need at that time and if it wouldnt have been you it would have been anyone so dont blow your horn so loud and proud
 magicsongirl
Joined: 10/26/2005
Msg: 15
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Question for fellow sex abuse survivors
Posted: 7/31/2006 7:04:29 PM
Boy, thanks, Connie!
That does sound like the ticket!!!!

I could sure chop some boards. hahahahahhaha

I used to have a second hand business and one day I was fuming about something and my partner was away with the dolly, etc. and I unloaded a huge truckload of appliances.

Anyway...I could sure relate to everything you said. I hope you find a decent, wonderful partner soon!!

Your Friend,
Pati
 magicsongirl
Joined: 10/26/2005
Msg: 16
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Question for fellow sex abuse survivors
Posted: 7/31/2006 7:13:26 PM
Thanks. I've studied Tai Chi but it doesn't feel like what I'm looking for.
In fact, there is a course that a woman started, a black belt in karate that got assaulted, that is more geared to self defense. Sounds similar to that other suggestion.

I've done a bit that direction, I worked in the mental health field so know how to fend off a lot, but could use more training.

You know, I hear that a lot...the it isn't about sex, it's about power. I just don't care. Rattlesnakes bite because they're protecting their territory not because they have a grudge against red heads. I don't care.

If I live in rattlesnake country, you'd better believe I'd wear protective clothing and act defensively. I could care less if that means they win. I don't need to be bit twice.
 magicsongirl
Joined: 10/26/2005
Msg: 17
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Posted: 7/31/2006 7:19:14 PM
Wow, Shark. My heart to you and yours!!!!!

Big HUG
 chicgurl1974
Joined: 6/27/2006
Msg: 18
Question for fellow sex abuse survivors
Posted: 7/31/2006 7:26:25 PM
I've had my share of stalkers etc. It does help to take Martial Arts as I have. While I had an acl injury that prevented me from finishing - it does help to have some of that background. Unless you become a blackbelt, it's not meant to give you total security, but in the event something should happen, it's the element of surprise that wards off your attacker - like that kick in the nuts or the face when they least expect it!

You need to accept yourself and be more confident. God gave you your package, stop abusing yourself. That' s a sign of low self esteem. Please talk to a counselor because that's what they are there for.

I'm not saying that it doesn't bother me to be leered at or stalked. I'm just saying we have the right to walk anywhere in this world, don't let people control your feelings. Stay in control by knowing you can be skinny and just thank people for nice comments to you. Any nasty comments, just piss them off and say, "thanks, you're not so hot yourself!" and walk away. That's being confident with a higher self esteem. Just remember god gave you that gift, accept with his blessings and don't dwell.

Just be aware of your surroundings, remember the element of surprise, should you be attacked, and allow yourself the freedom to walk anywhere on earth without someone intimidating you.

If it's a constant intimidation with one person, definitely report it. Those short term incidents are bound to happen, but don't let your guard down either. Follow your instincts! That's what they are there for!
 magicsongirl
Joined: 10/26/2005
Msg: 19
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Question for fellow sex abuse survivors
Posted: 7/31/2006 8:02:55 PM
Listen, I am going to be graphic here, I apologize. Leered at and stalked is not the same as raped. I've had both, I know. Unless you have been tied up all night long with someone doing absolutely anything he felt like doing and laughing at you, you have no right on this earth to tell me how to live my life. And if you have had that happy experience, you would know better than to tell me what to do and just do this or just do that. It doesn't work that way. I honestly wish it did, and I know you had good intentions.

I've had therapists. That's not the answer to everything on this planet any given moment.

I'm less interested in martial arts, though that's an option, but a self defense course. Martial arts is usually part of that, but I'm looking for something simple that is more geered to "get er done" than form. I know they're out there. It sounds like one was mentioned.

Nasty comments? This has nothing to do with nasty comments. Perpertrators don't go around acting nasty most of the time. They are the nice guys that build up your trust until the last moment. (Or nice women that bake brownies...lol...)

I apologize for being so abrupt. I believe I asked if people had this experience to share their experience, strength and hope.
 magicsongirl
Joined: 10/26/2005
Msg: 21
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Question for fellow sex abuse survivors
Posted: 7/31/2006 9:06:28 PM
I'm not minimizing a thing. You had whatever experience you had. You said you were stalked. That is not raped. It is scary, horrible, but... I am going by your words.

Maybe you should reread what you wrote to me. It was rude as well. Telling me I have low self esteem, I need therapy, I need this, I need that. Do this, stop doing that.

I'm sorry, you are qualified to make this armchair assessment because you read what book? I have never found it helpful to be talked to that way. I'm sure you said what you did with your whole heart, and I honestly appreciate that. It would have been helpful to me to hear about your experience instead of your analysis of me and what I need to do. I asked what did YOU do to overcome this situation. You don't sound like you were in that situation at all.
Even if you were, you certainly didn't say much about how you coped, moved on.

I am just tired of people thinking they have the credentials to analyze anyone else here. Where in anything I said to you did I tell you what you are and what you need? I said all you mentioned was stalking which doesn't count in my eyes as someone who has the experience to give advice to someone dealing with multiple rapes. You sprain your ankle, you can't tell me a whole lot about how you cope with a migraine. One isn't worse or better, just not the same. A migraine suffer probably wouldn't say, "Oh, just stop having the pain, and live your life. You're letting the headache win! Just grow up and stop whimpering."

I asked for people that have had the experience of not feeling safe being seen by men, and perhaps with an eating disorder in there, what did they do to get to a feeling of safety, if they were ever able. I asked if anyone else had that experience. Nowhere in your post did you say you had that experience in any way...yet you are full of what's wrong with me and just fix it.

It's not just you. There are a lot of people here making just leaps and bounds of judgement calls based on a few paragraphs of information. It is annoying to me, and I think it would be to most people on the receiving end. I asked a question. I didn't ask for unqualified people to play fix it I should be a therapist...
 magicsongirl
Joined: 10/26/2005
Msg: 22
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Question for fellow sex abuse survivors
Posted: 7/31/2006 9:09:44 PM
Oh sheesh, Smiley,
Sorry...no...that wasn't aimed your way...sorry. I should have been more clear.

Second wasn't aimed at you either...LOL...I got confused and thought you were the first person that hit my pms...oh...none of it was aimed at you, okay? I give up. hahahahahahahhahaha

Apologies
 magicsongirl
Joined: 10/26/2005
Msg: 23
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Posted: 7/31/2006 9:12:05 PM
Awww, Christy....you sound like such a sweet soul.

Best of luck on your journey!!!

magic
 magicsongirl
Joined: 10/26/2005
Msg: 24
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Question for fellow sex abuse survivors
Posted: 8/2/2006 11:45:09 AM
Hey Guys,
Just wanted to let you know I talked to a friend in Vic's Assistance and she is giving me a bunch of names for people that teach self-defense. I'm also organizing a class for our local home learners.

Wahoo!!

Thanks for everything.
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