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 AUTHOR
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 99
FWB versus relationship. What's the difference?Page 3 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)

but if you don't want to creep into couplehood, ie outside of merely FWB, you have to watch the potentially -key- actions that may occur -- not the label you merely gave it a while ago.

If the two FWB end up migrating to look like a couple, act like a couple, spend as much time together one-on-one like a couple, they become one. That's my point. It's both people's responsibility to be on the same page, and the key thing is to NOT creep into that if you don't want that.

Precisely. It's a situation that I call "relationship by default" and I've had to dodge that a couple of times when someone I was dating or in a FwB with, wanted to come and "live at your house awhile" ostensibly to "help" me. And I have SAID to men's faces that I appreciate the thought but I don't want he and I to find ourselves in a couple by 'default' scenario.
Yeah yeah I know...it's not that I TRY to be the most difficult bwitch on the planet, I just AM.
Cindy O
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 100
FWB versus relationship. What's the difference?
Posted: 4/22/2010 4:41:42 PM
^^^^^

What about when sometimes its friendship, sometimes you can't keep your hands off each other, sometimes they are as cold as ice and wot come near you, and then they go back to being sexual again-but it's always them that-as I like to say-change the goalposts of the relationship?

You've never been a couple then ("relationship"), just by putting your hands on each other off and on, sorry. When you can't keep your hands off each other, you've defined the "benefits" of that friendship. Maybe a FWPB (friends w/ potential benefits).

It's a situation that I call "relationship by default" and I've had to dodge that a couple of times when someone I was dating or in a FwB with

Yep, so true! Some people don't like the "default" thing, and over time, like to turn a blind eye to what they end up agreeing to partake in, day in, day out and stammer that "hey, we said it was casual/fwb/just-friends" when the actions clearly end up in the opposite direction.

A good example would be if you go out on a first date... you tell them you're not looking to be "dating" anyone right now, just want to take things casual/laid-back and all that. They agree.

Then they call you the next day and say that they SOO adore you and really like spending time with you... and see if you want to come over right then and spend the day together, and if on Saturday to meet their parents -- oh, but "it's no big deal". They obviously are not looking to take things casual/laid-back and out of the couples realm. If you agree to go along with that, you're redefining your previous talk, because that isn't taking things casual.

But with those obvious situations aside, I'm not saying one has to look at things with a microscope -- it's just paying attention to how things (potentially) unfold. What you do reflects how 'serious' things become, not a sticky-label by itself.
 kailania
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 101
FWB versus relationship. What's the difference?
Posted: 4/23/2010 3:03:58 AM
i never did fwb
they didnt have that when i was growing up. (lol)
i just found out about it this past year or so.
dont think i could do it. i might end up in love with my friend.
usually i have been in love first...before the "benifits" so to speak.
so it was a bf/gf relationship first.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 104
FWB versus relationship. What's the difference?
Posted: 4/23/2010 11:30:46 AM

In your case Georgie, and don't think it was a relationship..Sorry.. I know YOU think it was , but me thinks he was just coming around when there was nobody else for him.

I agree! See? I'm not about relationship-just-because-there's-something.

Your example is clearly a women who has a plan "B" in her head.

Yes, OR she's not thinking about it. Say it was the next week. She's just amping things up quicker than you'd anticipate. Or yes, she does have a Plan B. But when it's that obvious (no romantic dinners required), you do gotta have an understanding.

Oh, cool, guess she wants to spend time with me, get to know me, and I get to meet her parents..Sweet..It isn't a big deal to me, so I'll go along, and if she thinks she can trick me into us being a couple, well, how is that my fault?

It's your fault for "getting too involved" if that's not what you wanted. You are what you do in life. The label will clear up any gray areas... but spending tons of time together and meeting the parents is NOT taking it casually. What's more casual? Someone you see once a week at a bar or someone you see 3 times a week and are getting to know their parents? No analysis required!

If I don't go, she might think, well, it's not a big deal why did he say no?

If it wasn't a big deal, what's wrong with saying "no, I'm busy"? That's the real question. If it's not a big deal, then it doesn't matter if you go or not. Being "casual" or "nothing serious" or "not dating" can be highly interpretive + feelings/emotions sway away or closer. If a gal becomes "busy" and you only see her twice a month, would you say that's the same casual-level as a gal you see twice a week and crash over and have met parents? No... that's MORE casual. More distance and less intertwining of lives, more casual. Less distance, more intertwining of lives, less casual. Pretty simple.

There are many thread about how FWB, or other FRIENDS misread signals, thinking something was/getting serious, when in reality it wasn't. Simple communication could have solved 85% of those threads..

Well, first, no tricks or lies have to be put in play. Honestly. Many times people don't know it themselves, they're just going with the flow (they define that as casual). However, they begin to really like them kinda quick, so that flow becomes a rapid stream in short time.

To resolve the communication problem to describe the vague "casualness" of things, what you DO or decide not to do can tell the story more clear. If a girl wants to meet my parents, and I'm spending good amounts of time with her, I know things are amping up and she wants to amp it up more.

And of course, I'd bring that up if things were like that. You can say "Well, I'd like to take things a bit slower down relationship road. I like to wait until things have been more solified over time before anyone meets my parents." Or if we were in a more FWB-type situation and the girl wanted to to start going out a lot one-on-one, I'd slow it down by occupying my time more in other endeavors. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know where that's going!

A vague label's not going to override how things unfold in action over time and what they mean. You can't spend every day with a gal, kissing in public, holding hands, having great sex, crashing at each other's place half the week, then say "Oh no, we're just FWB", even if you both communicated through WORDS agreeably on that.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 105
view profile
History
FWB versus relationship. What's the difference?
Posted: 4/23/2010 2:38:18 PM

A vague label's not going to override how things unfold in action over time and what they mean. You can't spend every day with a gal, kissing in public, holding hands, having great sex, crashing at each other's place half the week, then say "Oh no, we're just FWB", even if you both communicated through WORDS agreeably on that.


Some of us can!! Well......part of that.
Most FWB's don't hold hands and kiss in public like bf/gf. But the spending alot of time with each other and crashing at each other's place half the week......sure done that many times. And......GASP.......most times we don't even have sex!!
If you can't........then don't get into a FWB situation.....but don't assume everyone thinks the same as you.

And all my Friends (male and female) have met my parents at some point in time.
Whether I've had sex with them or not.......they are still my friends.....and are introduced as such.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 107
FWB versus relationship. What's the difference?
Posted: 4/23/2010 3:46:57 PM

Most FWB's don't hold hands and kiss in public like bf/gf.

That's the point though. IF you end up holding hands, kissing in public -- or do things like a bf/gf, that's when whatever label you had before is re-defined.

But the spending alot of time with each other and crashing at each other's place half the week......sure done that many times. And......GASP.......most times we don't even have sex!!

Sometimes a bf/gf don't have sex most of the time. ;) Of course, the stipulation is, one-on-one. Not necessarily within a group of friends you end up crashing at their place. IMO, being one-on-one half the week as a -routine- (no sex required every day), that's as couple-hooding as holding hands or kissing in public.

And all my Friends (male and female) have met my parents at some point in time.

Again, it's the context. If you bring them to meet your family -- not amongst other friends as a group, but you're spending one-on-one time, you have them meet your family, etc. -- and you do have a sexual relationship (sex all the time isn't a requirement), you're not necessarily serious or anything -- but you're in a casual relationship... open relationship if you swear that it's soo FWB.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 109
FWB versus relationship. What's the difference?
Posted: 4/25/2010 12:35:49 PM

I enjoy holding hands..Not worry about re-defining things all that much. If she does, well...

I think the point is knowing how OTHER people in the world tend to see things. They MIGHT more right-on-track than your own view, but if not so much, you still don't want to send the wrong idea to them. Not about splitting hairs, even though any worded debate can be split to sound silly no matter which side one's on... but I like hand-holding, but I do not like to do it with someone in which I do not want a dating relationship with (ie FWB or strictly casual), because it demonstrates the opposite if done routinely.

What? You saying meeting family is NOT serious?? You said different before

No, it is NOT a casual endeavor, if pre-planned. I was just saying that IF you do do things like meet the family, hang out a lot, hold hands, etc, at BEST it's just a casual relationship, not FWB. A 'casual relationship' is more grounded ("serious") than something best described as FWB. If you do the above too much, then it becomes less casual.

And yes, as I said before FWB IS a relationship...Open, casual, whatever

Well, I don't define them all the same, but they can blur into each other, no doubt. Of course there's a relationship in anything, even among family members or platonic friends. So to clarify, I mean 'relationship' by itself to mean a sexually-oriented, consistent relationship established between two people.

IMO, it's pretty simple:
A girl you meet --> FWB --> Casually Dating --> Dating --> Relationship

IMO, an Open Relationship would be a grounded, important sexually-oriented relationship that's also open. An open dating-relationship would be where there's not a pre-established relationship (yet), you're Dating (an item), but you're open to hang out/date others. I think in FWB, it's open by default, and at least in the beginning part of casually dating it is too, but a little less open than FWB. Of course, when two people have a "talk" they can determine HOW open something can be. If you can't see anyone at all, I would say that it wouldn't be a casual situation... just "not serious" at the least.

I know, it sounds complicated, but IMO, it's easier to process by looking at a particular situation than drawing it out without having it 'sound' complicated.
 jupiterztear
Joined: 4/2/2007
Msg: 110
view profile
History
FWB versus relationship. What's the difference?
Posted: 4/25/2010 10:18:12 PM
FWB = NSA

No strings attached gives the freedom to move in and around. But it can also lead to hurting someone else’s feelings.
 euphoriaholic
Joined: 1/6/2010
Msg: 112
FWB versus relationship. What's the difference?
Posted: 6/2/2010 11:08:48 AM
FWB means you're a "friend" until someone better comes along, relationship means that they want to commit to put time and effort to get to know you BEFORE you have sex. FWB is just a way to put a "respectable" name on being used for sex.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 113
FWB versus relationship. What's the difference?
Posted: 6/2/2010 12:13:55 PM

FWB is just a way to put a "respectable" name on being used for sex.


As long as both parties agree and adhere to whatever rules are agreed on...it's perfectly okay and no one should get hurt...assuming both are being honest to each other and themselves...
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 114
FWB versus relationship. What's the difference?
Posted: 6/2/2010 12:55:07 PM

FWB means you're a "friend" until someone better comes along,

Well, I don't know as "better" is the right word...one of the reasons a FwB may rescind the 'benefits' is because they met someone more right for them. Not everyone can remain unattached and celibate until " Mr or Ms Right" comes into the picture.
And that's only ONE facet of the FwB experience. Some people choose, because of transitions, lifestyle factors, a future momentarily unclear, or just returning back to dating and relationships from divorce/breakup, or loss of the SO to death. Should these people be DENIED the comfort of companionship and sex, just because they are not at the moment in a practical or emotional position to structure a full-fledged relationship? Indeed, I have heard some people describe a noncohabiting,non"progressive" relationship as "FwB".
One cannot ascribe just one meaning or one motive to FwB. There are MANY reasons why FwBs occur. And yes, I do acknowledge that there are people(mostly women) who've been used for f*ckbuddy/booty call that the perpetrator labeled "FwB". I think that's where the "FwB means getting used for sex until the user finds something "better". Yes, from all I've heard, there are people who do try to "prettify" their stopgap booty source,because they don't care for celibacy and they don't want to do one-nighters from closing time at Joe's Bar and Grill and Bar.
It's a shame that this intentional mislabeling has caused so many to think of "FwB" as "getting used for sex." But if someone sold you an apple they claimed was an orange, don't blame the apple or fruit sales in general, blame the dishonest seller.
Cindy O
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 116
FWB versus relationship. What's the difference?
Posted: 6/2/2010 5:48:08 PM
Let's call a spade a spade shall we?

If someone is portraying themselves as something more but using someone just for sex then THAT person is a LIAR and probably a player....let's not make the term FWB out to be the bad guy here....The term and relationship is as valid as any other.

Should we say married or BF/GF status is bad too just because some allow themselves to be in those relationships even though they are still just using/playing?


FWB is just a label for two consenting adults to get their groove on without exposing themselves to multiple partners while they look for "the one". ...nothing more.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 117
FWB versus relationship. What's the difference?
Posted: 6/2/2010 6:26:13 PM
A friend that you already have (thus, the "F" in FWB) that you add sexual benefits to (thus, the "WB" in FWB) because you don't want a relationship but you don't want to give up your sex life and you know and trust them. They are attractive to you but not relationship material - obviously if you wanted to seriously date them you would have considered it already.

Both agree that they will have sex if/when it's convenient for them as they don't want more, and if one decides they do want more, then the relationship is discussed and discontinued if it's not mutual/recategorized if it is.
 Want_You_2010
Joined: 8/31/2009
Msg: 119
FWB versus relationship. What's the difference?
Posted: 6/3/2010 8:10:11 PM
Also not all of us are FWB material in the opposite sex' eyes.
I have never had the pleasure of experiencing a FWB let alone a One Nighter and I am 41. I have met and have and had lots of women as friends BUT they never viewed me in any sexual way.
There has to be a sexual attraction from the getgo in my eyes. And I am sure that most times a FWB situation, the guy is most times quite good looking I am sure and the women are just sexually attracted to the guy. As for women, any woman can get a FWB, not any guy can.
 x_file_
Joined: 9/30/2009
Msg: 120
FWB versus relationship. What's the difference?
Posted: 6/3/2010 9:06:36 PM


My definition of a friend is someone you enjoy spending time with, talking to, hanging out with, someone you can call when you need help or advice, etc. Basically you have developed a platonic relationship with this person then at some point you may add the benefits of having sex with this person. How is this different from a romantic relationship?


Your definition is right on. Except, many women hear fwb and think "F*cking some total stranger who has 8 different types of STD's and is fugly"

Most normal relationships ARE fwb relationships + some additional perks.



Is FWB just a way of saying we can hang out and have sex until someone better comes along that I want to have a relationship with?


Does it really matter?

There is absolutely no guarantee that even a married person won't simply walk away in order to be with someone better even.

I know at least five people who have left their marriage to be with someone better - not because they were looking for someone better, but because when they came across someone better "the heart wants what the heart wants" and they followed their heart so to speak.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 121
FWB versus relationship. What's the difference?
Posted: 6/3/2010 10:27:06 PM

let's not make the term FWB out to be the bad guy here

I think some (more often it being women) people think of FWB as a guy being a player and a woman being used stems from something I've rambled on about before. I believe most people who've been active in the dating scene over a number of years have been in a FWB situation, albeit not the classic 'flavor' they may have in mind when using the term. It happens when you're in a dating process where you kick things off with the casual approach -- emotionally taking it slow. What "are you" in that case with someone and how you'd define it when you're periodically seeing them but nothing's fused together? You're not an item or a couple... you're not JUST friends... but you are more than friends. Okay, great. During this limbo period, if you start to hook up, you're not just more than friends, but friends w/ benefits to be exact... until something fuses together in terms of being a couple of some sort, or you just part ways.

The reason I lay that out is because it's a recipe for disaster when a particular type of gal really likes a guy who likes to take things emotionally slow, but not necessarily physically. She ends up hooking up with him, expecting that by itself to mean there's going to be a commitment. He'll want things to continue slow, though -- nothing fusing together, and she gets frustrated... that may result in the guy seeing that she is frustrated and wanting to be a couple real quick, scaring him off... then she thinks "Gawd, I'm just being used for sex... he just wants a FWB!" In other words, if someone has little patience than the other person, in terms of going from more-than-friends to a couple, they're going to have a bad taste in their mouth about the FWB concept, if during that time they were open to hooking up and see hooking up as automatically bridging that gap -- when the other person didn't see it that way and wanted to still ride things out for a while before settling down.

Most normal relationships ARE fwb relationships + some additional perks.

I wouldn't classify them as 'perks'... I think a normal relationship would be a romantic, close FWB w/ exclusivity. I think there's a thin line between a close FWB situation and an open relationship.

IMO, if there's any level of romanticism in the FWB situation, and you find yourselves bonding as couples do, you're forming into a relationship, whether you like it or not. Upon doing so, it would beg the question as to whether it's still an open situation or not... ie to be a full-on couple. I find it hard to believe that two people becoming closer FWB and spending more time, more days a week together, doing more things that couples do, to be lacking any level of romanticism outside the physical aspect.

That's why in my earlier posts in this thread, I point out that just because you kick things off as a standard FWB, doesn't mean it's going to be JUST a FWB regardless of how your activities with them evolve.
 KingRomanticRebel
Joined: 4/5/2010
Msg: 122
FWB versus relationship. What's the difference?
Posted: 6/4/2010 9:34:27 PM
My own personal experiences; a friend with benefits would be a girl that really digs the hell out of me, but I don't feel the same about her. When I have the urge, she is always there to satisfy, however, she is always hopeful that one day I will fall for her too. Unfortunately for her, that day never comes. This type of situation is usually short lived and when I finally meet someone that I truly want to be with, the FWB is cut-off rather quickly.
 JP1111
Joined: 4/13/2008
Msg: 123
FWB versus relationship. What's the difference?
Posted: 6/4/2010 9:45:18 PM
Without having read all 6 pages of replies to your question, I hope I will not be repeating the same information to you.

Your question does not have a concrete answer to since, if you ask 1000 different people, you will surely get many, many, many similar but different answers. What you described did seem to a FWB but in a relationship, you may want to make it exclusive to the two of you (unless of course you are into swinging) and build on that relationship by living together and being together by sharing each others life's together and perhaps even starting a family.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 125
FWB versus relationship. What's the difference?
Posted: 6/5/2010 6:38:57 AM

I call this a USING big time.


Gotta agree with THIS one! For a FWB relationship to work you gotta discuss and BELIEVE that the other person doesn't really want more... I've passed up many potential FWB's because I detected that they were either lying to me or themselves about wanting more...instead of jumping right into the sack spend a few days/weeks discussing the terms, In that time you'll know if they want more.

No man of integrity will go into a FWB situation knowing she's hoping/waiting/wanting more...and no self respecting woman should be in a FWB situation if she is hoping/waiting/wanting more...
 Want_You_2010
Joined: 8/31/2009
Msg: 126
FWB versus relationship. What's the difference?
Posted: 6/5/2010 7:39:31 AM
Interesting, after reading some of the posts here, it sounds like it is easy to find a FWB. Where do I sign up? LOL.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 127
FWB versus relationship. What's the difference?
Posted: 6/5/2010 8:39:43 AM
^^^Wherever one of your female friends agrees to add benefits to your already established friendship, naturally.

FWB's ARE best when mutual. When one wants it and the other doesn't but hopes it'll get them more, that's a good way for that person to get hurt. And yep, they're asking for it when it happens and can blame no one else for it.

There are people who can do this and people who can't - the problem is people who can't trying to make it work, and people who can that may take advantage of someone who can't. One should know whether or not they are emotionally wired for something like this and if they aren't, they should just avoid it.
 KingRomanticRebel
Joined: 4/5/2010
Msg: 129
FWB versus relationship. What's the difference?
Posted: 6/5/2010 12:37:40 PM

That is not friends with benefits ...

This is not what YOU consider FWB and if this is not what YOU consider FWB's, than 'I' have NEVER had FWB's.


if both people don't know EXACTLY what is going on.

If a woman needs to be told 'verbally' what is going on, and can't read into the situation, she must be a nitwit!


This post is a pretty good example of how a person uses another person's emotional attachment to just get sex. When ever the itch needs scratching.


See, now I have not even presented all of the circumstances as your post is a pretty good example of being judgmental and quick to jump to the wrong conclusion without knowing all of the facts.


I call this a USING big time.


And this is your 'opinion' based on your 'understanding' or 'interpretation' of what I actually mean.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 130
FWB versus relationship. What's the difference?
Posted: 6/5/2010 2:00:17 PM


When I have the urge, she is always there to satisfy, however, she is always hopeful that one day I will fall for her too. Unfortunately for her, that day never comes.



I call this a USING big time.


What else COULD it mean? you say you KNOW she wants more and you use her when you have the urge...



And this is your 'opinion' based on your 'understanding' or 'interpretation' of what I actually mean.



We'll when you speak in the first person what else is anyone gonna think?... You gotta be CLEAR when writing.
 KingRomanticRebel
Joined: 4/5/2010
Msg: 131
FWB versus relationship. What's the difference?
Posted: 6/5/2010 3:56:11 PM

What else COULD it mean? you say you KNOW she wants more and you use her when you have the urge...

I never stated that I use her. You did!!! Now you are putting words in my mouth. This is my original statement, "When I have the urge, she is always there to satisfy".
Now lets do a play on words using my above statement.
Let's change the above to,
1. whenever I am in the mood, she is always available, or
2. whenever we're in the mood, she is always free
ok - same meaning just a little more tact?

We'll when you speak in the first person what else is anyone gonna think?... You gotta be CLEAR when writing.

Clear? If I stated, "I am so hungry I could eat a horse" how would your imagination respond?
Next time, before you view your opinion, ask a few questions, so you can formulate a more valid and accurate rebuttal!
Now, just use your imagination and paint the worst case scenario, using your minds-eye!
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 132
FWB versus relationship. What's the difference?
Posted: 6/5/2010 4:41:09 PM
My own personal experiences; a friend with benefits would be a girl that really digs the hell out of me, but I don't feel the same about her. When I have the urge, she is always there to satisfy, however, she is always hopeful that one day I will fall for her too. Unfortunately for her, that day never comes.

this is EXACTLY why so many people-especially women-think "FwB" is just a thin coat of whitewash over having a woman as a "handy boinkhole".
This type of situation is usually short lived and when I finally meet someone that I truly want to be with, the FWB is cut-off rather quickly.

In a genuine FwB, it's well understood by both parties that this interaction is not going to "progress" to some "higher level", even if it continues for quite awhile, or tends to re-occur as curcumstances permit.
The fact that you somehow think that the scenario you've outlined is perfectly fine, and is a real FwB, makes me doubt the "unfortunately for her" part. How is losing someone who is only PRETENDING to be a "friend", so he can use you, "unfortunate"?
FwBs are for GROWNUPS.
edit to add a "litmus test"
Next time you do your idea of FwB, tell the girl right up front, clearly and concisely, that this is never going to go to "the next level", that you are not going to "fall for her". If she DOESN'T let the door slam on your d*ck on her way out, it's a real FwB.
Cindy O
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