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 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 336
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Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?Page 5 of 32    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32)

(Msg 349) That's because she's not trying to hold onto him, she's trying to see if he leaves... if he leaves and she hasn't had sex with him, she's ahead... If he stays and wants her for a relationship then she wins....and so does he...


I think you may have misunderstood my post. I was not suggesting the gal should go to bed with the guy believing that if she doesn't he will leave. My point is if she wants to go to bed with him and doesn't, believing he will think negatively towards her, why would she want to see him again? If he makes the move and she stops him, believing he will think badly of her, she will never know for sure if he is like that.

I want to repeat I'm not suggesting she go to bed with him if she isn't into it. What I am wondering is if she is into it but declines because she feels he is the type of guy who would think that way why would she continue to see him? Would she want to be with a man who would treat women that way?

Newguy1121, msg 350, sums it up perfectly with,
Waiting around and playing games with your own feelings is a dangerous thing.


All too often people repress their natural feelings and lose out because as they repress those feelings they act differently giving the impression they aren’t really interested. (More on this below.)

Verityone, msg 351, also makes a salient point.
A foundation built on strong "chemistry" is often much stronger that one built on "friendship"quality of the relationship.


Exactly. That’s why Percy Sledge sang,
“When a man loves a woman…..
(He would)Turn his back on his best friend
If he put her down.”

This idea of friendship, of liking mutual activities and holding similar views and other qualities associated with a friendship, results in so many relationships failing. If friendship is the foundation of the relationship then once the friendship qualities change the relationship ends.

As we go through life we befriend multiple people. As we age we change our interests and, thus, our friends. That’s why we hear about couples splitting and remaining friends. That’s all they were, friends. There was no emotional or chemistry connection.

If a conscious, “rational” decision is the criteria used to establish a relationship then the same will be necessary to maintain it. One or both will be constantly evaluating the relationship.

On the other hand chemistry can not be evaluated. The attraction is either there or it isn’t. It’s like trying to evaluate why a person likes a certain color.

Another thing that is seldom mentioned is the postponing of sex does not always mean one feels a strong attraction but wants to be sure the other person is a decent individual. In more than a few cases the person is searching for chemistry or attraction. So when a guy leaves after X amount of days/dates without sex having taken place he's not leaving because of no sex, per se. He's leaving because of what that represents which touches on what Newguy1121 wrote in msg 350.

If one is declining sex without giving a specific reason then it's logical to conclude the person just isn't interested. That means there's no chemistry/attraction. Therefore, the other party leaves. It does not mean sex was all they were interested in. It means they've concluded sex isn't what the other person is interested in.

That's why, as Newguy wrote,
Waiting around and playing games with your own feelings is a dangerous thing.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 342
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Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 10/21/2009 5:18:12 PM

(Msg 360) While I understand what you mean a little better. I still see it this way....
How can she feel "he is the type of guy who would think that way"????
She doesn't know him... she can't "feel" one way or the other about him...? On a first date a man (or a woman) could represent themselves to be ANYBODY!


I was referring more to meeting people from dating sites. The emails. The phone calls. The initial meet-n-greet. Then the first date. Your following example is more like a pick-up.


Example: In some restaurants, the have a small goldfish-type bowl for businessmen to drop a business card. And each month, they empty the bowl and draw one card and offer a free lunch.... I know people who have grabbed a handful of cards from the bowl. They deliberately choose cards with a "home" and "work" number on them and a good "job" to impress the ladies.... Then when they go to a bar, they offer the card to a lady they meet. She sees a home number a name and a decent job... She figures the guy is on the up and up... I've often wondered how many innocent men have been in the dog house when some woman phones after a one night stand and speaks to the wife....


BTW, I could have used that tip 15 or so years ago.


I disagree, at least in my own experience... I've met many 'friends' and I have very few FRIENDS. My girlfriend is my BEST FRIEND. She says I am her best friend... we've been through a lot together and we have a real friendship, a lot in common, and a great sex life....
I've been in many relationship with women who were not friends as much as lovers and the differences in common interests etc, eventually killed it...


My experience has been the opposite. When I met my partner our differences included native language, religion, culture, education, income and a nine year age difference. Just the fact she was university educated with a high paying job and I was a nine year older, blue collar worker should have doomed the relationship before it started. However, the chemistry was so strong those differences didn't matter and they still don't 13 years later.

We've taken the best of her lifestyle and the best of mine and combined them. We're best friends because we like being in each other’s company. We do things together because we like being together.
 thiguy
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 346
Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 11/1/2009 4:11:25 PM
No sex on the first date can also be a possible relationship killer. I met this woman one night and we hit it off immediately and we really were into each other. We ended up talking until the sun came up. She asked me to take her home and during the drive we both agreed that we didn't want sex but she did want me to stay at her place since I lived about an hour away. We ended up talking some more and started kissing. Things got very passionate and she then practically begged me to have sex with her. I stuck to my guns and told her that I really liked her, wanted to see her again, but didn't want to sleep with her out of respect. She hadn't been with someone since her last boyfriend and she said that I was the first guy to really make her feel special so turning her down obviously hurt her feelings. I appreciated the sentiments but I still wanted to get to know her better before we went that route. We ended up falling asleep together and when i woke up she was still sound asleep so I woke her up and told her I was leaving and she basically shrugged me off. I tried calling her the next day and she didn't answer my calls. I haven't heard from her since.
 fullestsunflower
Joined: 5/16/2006
Msg: 347
Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 11/1/2009 4:46:27 PM
I think it kinda does... mistaking sex for love in a way........ but lots do it........ they just want to be loved I think.
 aSydneyMale
Joined: 5/16/2006
Msg: 348
Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 11/1/2009 4:48:09 PM

For a period of about 3 years, I simply did not try to deny my natural sexual urges and if I was harshly judged, I just went with the attitude that the issue with this man belonged to him. I KNEW who I was and I OWNED all my decisions and accepted to consequences of my actions. .. Then, the dust settled and I just went with the flow. I go with what feels right and I simple let the universe unfold as it should. I have no secret recipe but at my age, 48 years old, I'll be damned if I'll pull the stupid virgin act.

Great post. When we begin to OWN our own sexuality we live with ourselves much easier. I've had sex on the first date and gone on to a relationship, I've had sex on the 10th date.


I would like to think that people in our age group, have life experience and can cut through the bullcrap fast enough and sex is just part of the equation along with all the other components, like, affection, friendship, etc... I now see relashionships sort of like a dance. I want to be swayed and wooed and I want to make the man I am with smile and get all fuzzy inside.

The bullcrap happens when 3rd-parties become involved like churches and self-appointed moral guardians. Life-experience is a great teacher. I'd even throw those great oracles of the middle-class, Oprah and Dr Phil, into that basket. So many, women in particular, tune in each day to be told what their moral compass should be.
 Thaddal
Joined: 10/23/2009
Msg: 349
Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 11/1/2009 5:05:49 PM
I say...try it and find out...
 NYCman530
Joined: 7/6/2009
Msg: 350
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Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 11/1/2009 5:20:25 PM
Usually when there's sex on the first date, neither person is seeking a potential relationship with the other person, since each of them are likely thinking that the other makes a habit of playing the field. It's hard to attain mutual respect with a one night stand. If they're both seeking intimate encounters only, that's different. But as far as a potential relationship, first date is pushing things, they should wait until at least the 3rd or 4th date, if not longer.
 the beatles fan
Joined: 3/28/2008
Msg: 351
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Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 11/2/2009 6:31:11 PM
My husband and i had sex on our first date. We were a blind date. Meet in April moved in together in May. He was married to his first wife at that time. We were married a year and half later. And was married for 21 years until he past away
 spunkybum52
Joined: 9/8/2009
Msg: 353
Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 11/10/2009 6:53:00 PM
I have found you can have sex on the first date and still have a loving relationship. I think it depends a lot on the maturity of the people involved. I'm not necessarily talking about how old they are, I'm talking about how mature they are. If you know that the guy or girl is only out to have a good time, then you probably won't have much of a loving relationship whether you have sex or not. If you both are mature and know what you want, and feel you want to meet someone to have a go at it, then sex won't ruin it. There are far more issues that people separate on than sex. If sex on the first date was the only reason for divorce, then we would all take note and learn our lessons and never have sex on the first date. But it's sily to say that. I know people who have had sex on the first date, were married for like 20 years, and then divorced for other reasons that had nothing to do with having "sex on the first date".
 ohio07
Joined: 12/27/2008
Msg: 354
Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 11/10/2009 8:02:47 PM
(370) Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. What can I say, "damned if ya do, damned if ya don't." If not sleeping with you the first time I see you makes you want to ditch me, then your not the one for me, nope.

Did I miss out on something a few times? Maybe. But more importantly did I dodge something... Absolutely! And I don't regret it, one minute!

Is it frustrating saying no to a sure thing like that, you bet... But is it worth it in the long run? I'd say so. Rarely does a one nighter progress to another meaningful interaction. That's just the way it goes...
 BlueEyes1712
Joined: 4/24/2008
Msg: 357
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Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 11/14/2009 5:18:04 PM
No it doesnt kill it, and yes I have, it was my first date but I had seen her a few times at a singles socal club and we knew one another after seeing one another about at three different events. There was an attraction from talking. It got intense and we dated about six months afterwards and I developed more emotionally, I dont think she was as much as I was due to her reasons for ending it. For all I know maybe I was just a good lay.
 Chitownguy40
Joined: 9/29/2009
Msg: 360
Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 11/14/2009 6:27:33 PM
The best relationship I ever had began with a one night stand. We were together six years, and even now she is my best friend in the world. But you're right: my case is rare.

I think the thing to keep in mind is that for many men, having a GF is NOT the ideal situation. Having a FWB is the ideal situation. FWB means a guy gets sex without strings--the ultimate win-win scenario. Many men will try for that rather than a regular GF if they think they can get it. The danger in sleeping with a guy too soon is you've jumped in bed before you've made clear what kind of relationship you want together. If he can maneuver you into a NSA arrnagment, he often will. Sometimes, that's okay. But it seems most women want more than that.
 oneofakind33
Joined: 5/24/2007
Msg: 362
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Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 11/14/2009 7:15:52 PM
I find it interesting that after reading all the posts not one person mentioned that you are giving a part of yourself both men and women to total strangers that you don't even know yet. It takes time and more than one date to really get to know someone, to trust them and appreciate them.
I can bet that most people out there are not having safe sex and are not even talking to the person they are with on the first date about sex before it even happens.
I think that it is very rare but I won't say never that a good relationship ever happens when having sex on a first date.

If you really like the person and want something more than a one night stand then it's best to wait and get to know one another and see if you really have what it takes to have a relationship.
 BlueEyes1712
Joined: 4/24/2008
Msg: 365
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Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 11/14/2009 7:52:01 PM
For every man that has sex on the first date, so does a women. Dont judge others unless you want to be judged, its a choice the two consenting individuals make.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 374
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Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 11/15/2009 8:39:44 PM

(Msg 379) If we have sex with a man early on it doesn't mean we've done that before, or that we do it all the time. It means we really like YOU.



(Msg 383) True, but chances are, you didn't change your dating style just for that one guy... so, the odds are, yes you do have sex early on.... people usually follow the behaviour patterns they've had for a long time....


Yes, a woman may sleep with every guy on the first date but that's relatively rare. I think it's more likely she doesn't sleep with guys on the first date.

As for a dating style I don’t believe in that either. I definitely didn’t have a style. Every lady was different. If one was interested in sleeping with me on the first date my impression would be she found me quite interesting/attractive/ etc.

Also, it depends on ones definition of a first date. It could be anything from a bar room pickup to someone with whom one has exchanged numerous emails and phone calls over a period of time. In the latter case hopefully both people have learned enough to know whether or not they like each other.

As for determining if a relationship will follow that takes months. Or years, in some cases.
 acuddler
Joined: 10/30/2009
Msg: 375
Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 11/16/2009 9:56:39 AM
It's an individual thing. Each case is different, depending on the people involved. Some guys just want the competition of the chase & thrill of victrory. Once they get laid, they lose all interest in the already won trophy, and go off looking for another...so sex-on the first date, or otherwise-ends the relationship with such guys. Other guys want a more long term thing, and sex-on the first date, or any other time-can make the relationship better, or worse, depending on how good the sex was. Lousy sex is reason enough for many people to end a relationship. Great sex is reason enough for some people to keep the relationship going, and growing. I had sex on the first date with one woman, and the relationship went on for 22 years. I had sex on the first date with another woman, and we never spoke again after the date ended...so even with the same person-me-there can be different outcomes. You can't make broad, sweeping, generalizations, and expect any chance of accuracy....so, anything which starts out with: "why do all men....?", or "will sex on the first date cause....?" are doomed to give misleading answers. Are you intersted in forming a lasting relationship...or in writing a thesis for your high school English class? Relationships are more a matter of who is doing the relating than what is, or isn't done by anyone.
 oneofakind33
Joined: 5/24/2007
Msg: 376
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Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 11/18/2009 5:15:15 AM
To verityone,

You are right people do share in sexual experiences whether its just sex or something more. Either way you are still giving apart of yourself to them. It's just the way it is and it has nothing to do with us women buying into the concept of sex as giving.
It is what it is...
But it seems you missed the point of what I said anyway...
 quote28
Joined: 10/24/2009
Msg: 380
Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 11/18/2009 9:02:03 AM
I don't see anything wrong with it. I had sex on a first date. Awesome! We where attracted to each other and we did the damn thing. We still dating now. Its 1yr 4 months.

Some people might think you easy. Especially men think that way. Which is stupid.
 acuddler
Joined: 10/30/2009
Msg: 389
Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 11/19/2009 9:08:28 AM
Like anything else, sex before marriage, and sex on a first date, have benefits,and drawbacks. One of the benefits is that it helps weed out the trophy hunters/double standard guys. Have sex with a guy who only wants the victory, and who will move on once he gets it, and you get to cross one more loser off your list of potential life mates. Even the phoniest people let a bit of their real nature peek through the mask while having sex. Having sex with someone will show you how: giving, considerate, loving, selfish, ignorant, etc, they can be...in ways it would take months/years to discover without the sex. Ditto for guys learning about women. Having sex with a guy who then disappears, or considers you a FWB but not wife material is a good way to separate the jerks from the knights. The jerks who stick around awhile will act a bit differently towards you after the sex. The knights won't act differently. Sex on a first date, or shortly thereafter, is a great personality screening tool. Just keep your mind, and eyes, open and pay attention to the guy's behavior.
 venndiagram
Joined: 10/29/2009
Msg: 390
Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 11/19/2009 9:50:05 AM
Another possibility- I may decide on a first date that there are reasons I won't continue dating the guy, but the chemistry is fantastic. So if I feel like it, I don't see anything wrong with having sex and enjoying the experience, knowing that's all it is. Women enjoy sex too, you know.

If there's no potential for chemistry, I'm not going to have sex OR continue dating. Chemistry doesn't always happen immediately though. I think too many people think it's always instant.
 hotrodius
Joined: 6/15/2008
Msg: 394
Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 11/19/2009 10:33:09 AM
Thats a very hard question i waited years and that did not work months that did not work, days it worked for a long while but still came to an end i guess it all depends. Insanity is doing the same things and expecting different results.
 x_file_
Joined: 9/30/2009
Msg: 396
Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 11/19/2009 11:09:18 AM

m_church:

I've slept with a few women on the first date. I still dated them...sometimes for months or even a year or so... Sure, free sex and they were probably fun to hang out with... I just simply crossed them off the long term list because I was NO LONGER INTERESTED in them... Once I'd had sex with them, it just felt like "Ok... so that's all there is...." There was nothing more to keep my interest accumulating...
I never told any of them it was because we had sex on the first date or so forth... It would always be that I'd dump them for another girl, or tell them it wasn't working out etc...


With all due respect, I think you just made that up. I've read some of your other posts, and I know you are reasonable - unfortunately reason can be used maliciously.

Let me elaborate, for I can't just claim you are lying. There is something that doesn't add up in your claim(s).

The women you slept with on your first date(s) you asked out because you were (at least somewhat) sexually intersted in them, and you had sex with them for that same reason. You wanted to have sex with them, you weren't forced. Is that not so?

You did not dumped them because they had sex with you - that cannot be the reason, not without you looking like an ***hole. I'll explain.

If a woman has sex with you on a first date, and that is something you really dislike and will be reason you will later dump her, then I wonder why didn't you dump her prior to sex, as I am CERTAIN there were plenty of signs prior to sex that sex was going to occur - any woman can back me up on this. You can think ahead, can you not? Besides, you have had more than one "first-date-sex" experiences, which tells me you knew what was in store, what the signs were, but you had sex anyway, and them dump her - knowing all too well you would even before she jumped in bed with you. This must be the case for the second women you had sex with on your first date. The first women, I can understand - you didn't know better.

Also, I find this statement, given the context, some what odd: Once I'd had sex with them, it just felt like "Ok... so that's all there is...." There was nothing more to keep my interest accumulating.

You must have, once again, known ahead of time that there is no real bond, no deeper connection, that there is nothing much to keep your interest other than sex, and that it will be "just sex" and yet you still proceeded forward. Which is absolutely fine, except, after wards you looked back and dumped those women for having sex with you on the first date when you could have, for example, continued on having sex, and develop a bond - which is what many people do if they like the person they had sex with. What better way is there to bond than being intimate with someone? And what's the most intimate act, but sex? My guess is that you dumped those women because you didn't really like them. You liked their body, but not their personality. Which once again is fine, expect you are not honest about it - assuming I'm right.

If you felt "Ok... so that's all there is....", then why didn't try to develop a connection (a bond) after sex, or even prior to sex? You have self control, don't you? I can understand you saying this if it was your first sexual experience, but that's not the case since clearly "I've slept with a few women on the first date" implies "more than one".

And besides, if you say, in reference to sex, "Ok... so that's all there is...." I say you are doing it wrong. You are talking about sex - the very thing that propelled you to ask out those women on the first place. If you feel there is nothing special about sex, or "just sex", what drives you to ask women out in the first place? What's the initial attraction?
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 397
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Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 11/19/2009 11:22:41 AM
Puleeeeeze stop with the double standard, your freudian slip is showing once again..

I never told any of them it was because we had sex on the first date or so forth... It would always be that I'd dump them for another girl, or tell them it wasn't working out etc...
You were a PLAYA, Church.. You would have dumped them for another girl whether she fvcked you on the 1st or the 50th date.. It was who you were at the time..
.you sound like one of those former smokers who berate a current smoker like a nazi in the S.S.. for doing something you, yourself was once addicted to.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 400
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Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 11/19/2009 11:56:05 AM
There are several reason's why in this day and age that first date sex shouldn't take place.. Appeasing the madonna/whore complex of some lame-0 should'nt have to be one of them.

I'll repeat what I wrote from another thread as it seems to apply here as well:

Most women, when the are attracted and there's a connection want to jump into bed right away.. those that are in tune with their sexuality anyway.. Some hold off in hopes of giving the guy a better impression of them.. (Madonna/Whore complex is [
alive and thriving) they feel it will give them a better chance at a relationship.
Some women don't wait (or pretend) because they have enough self-esteem and they realize that having sex won't guarantee them a relationship..however; they're smart enough to own their own actions, causes and effects and won't jump off the first bridge they come to if the guy doesn't marry her.

Secretly we all want to jump into bed right away with who we have a connection and chemistry with and who has a connection and chemistry with us.. Lets face it.. the type of connection/chemistry I'm talking about doesn't come around all too often which makes me virtuous by default.. One can be decerning and have first date sex.. Not all women who have first date sex will jump into bed with every first date they go on you know..
If we're not attracted/no connection.. then it's much easier to reject.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 402
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Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 11/19/2009 12:14:13 PM

kinda like having "clinton" in charge of a girls school) ...
Yes.. where cigar use is not only encouraged it is appreciated and it kills no relationship potential.. .. .. Long live Bill and Hilliary !!



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