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 dauchsie
Joined: 12/15/2005
Msg: 126
Should depressed People date?Page 6 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

It will really be unfortunate if I lose some friends from this site because I am bipolar. Those would be the people who thought I was a warm, caring, witty, fun individual until they found out that I suffer from a chemical imbalance that is not through my own doing but rather through birth and heredity. It is something that is controlled by medication and had I not told you that I am bipolar, you would have thought I was "normal".


Tink
I have followed a great deal of your forum posting and would not change my view on how I perceive you. You shine girl.

I was married to a bipolar man who DID NOT take drugs. It was a disaster from the beginning to the end. It was an ever changing wind and I did not know which way it was blowing at any one time. Needless to say, all the taboos associated with bipolar were apparent in his behavior.

I have not seen him now in over 6 years, but have heard that he is still the same(his mom calls once in awhile).

So would I date someone who is depressed? My answer would be, only if he was taking medication on a regular basis and watching carefully for all the signs. I cannot group everyone in this category, as each and every individual has a right to be who they are.
 tinkerbellcgy
Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 127
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Should depressed People date?
Posted: 8/14/2006 6:33:08 AM
dauchsie, I tried to e-mail you but because I am a female, you don't want to hear from me! j/k LOL

I thank you for your very kind remarks. I think it is time that the veil which covers mental health issues be lifted and, hence, why I am vocal and speak out about such issues.

I truly thank you for your support.

Tink, Calgary
 backontrak
Joined: 7/5/2006
Msg: 128
Should depressed People date?
Posted: 8/14/2006 7:46:27 PM
Maybe someone could share how a person gets past the depression and out the door. It's so hard to feel able to be vulnerable and let ones guard down when one feels hurt. My thread would be not should depressed people date but how do depressed people date? I get out there, enjoy meeting people but just shy away from anything that feels like a date. I don't want to be open, I want to keep that smile pasted to my face and have a good time. Yet it's so nice to see couples together, sharing. What if I break someone's heart? Then I would feel so responsible and helpless to respond. Guess I'm a little off track just now.
 LadyDancingAlone
Joined: 7/7/2006
Msg: 129
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Should depressed People date?
Posted: 8/14/2006 8:47:14 PM

... but how do depressed people date?


It is challenging. But no one should lump everyone with depression into one category, we are all different. No one would know I deal with depression, regardless of whether I'm taking meds or not. The biggest killer for me is the lack of motivation, which I suspect you are dealing with. Which is completely opposite of how I am when I'm not having a bout of depression.

All I can say is how I manage; I make myself do it. Doesn't matter if I'm talking going to work or going out with friends, there are times I dread going out. But, I go out. I think of the potential consequences of hiding out at home, and decide to deal with it. Odd thing is, I find when I force myself to get out there, it's better. I find myself having fun, and often on the way home again I chide myself for considering not going.

Not everyone gets depression at a young age; mine didn't hit til my mid-30s. Not everyone who deals with depression needs meds 24/7; I actually manage mine mostly without. I'm to a point where I know when I can't handle it anymore I will call the doctor, and the doctor will call in the rx for me. Not everyone who is on the meds is a zombie; most likely if they are like that they are still on the wrong meds. Been there too, that really sucks. Some people manage well with herbals and diet changes, some require meds. It is most certainly a disease that hits everyone differently, and everyone handles it differently. The important thing (for me) was learning how to distinguish what 'thoughts' and aches were generated by the depression, and which weren't. When in doubt, I push my way through it.

I find myself dreading coffees and first dates most. If I get past those and am still interested, it gets easier. It's that first step that is the hardest.

It sounds like part of what you're doing is what I call 'borrowing trouble'. There isn't any actual real trouble there yet, so you're worrying about things that may or may not even happen. Don't worry about breaking someone else's heart, go in with the assumption that you are a nice, honest person and they are too. Believe that you two will be able to talk and have a good time, if only for one dinner. Don't let yourself get so overwhelmed with potential outcomes that you don't let yourself experience the now. Recognize when your thinking is taking off on some bizarre track, and laugh about it. Don't be so hard on yourself.

There's an exercise you can try that actually helps. When you find yourself thinking, "Why bother, it probably won't work out", run with that thought a minute. Let yourself imagine every potential 'bad' outcome - but to the extreme. "Why should I go to dinner, we probably won't like each other." "Well, them we'll end up having a big fight over dinner" "I bet he has horrible table manners, and I'll have to argue with this meanie with broccoli stuck in his teeth." " I'm sure the fight will make so much racket they'll throw us out." " Then I'll be stuck in the parking lot with this messy, mean man who hates me - and have to ride home with him!" See how ridiculous it gets? Go with it, then laugh about it. Realistically, you know it isn't going to happen that way, but the depression has already tried telling you it will.

You can do it, just take one step at a time and you will amaze yourself.
 backontrak
Joined: 7/5/2006
Msg: 130
Should depressed People date?
Posted: 8/15/2006 8:49:51 AM
Your response is so full of kindness and insights that I have tears in my eyes. It's reassuring to know that this path, which feels so lonely at times, is shared by others who are wonderful and worth loving. I like your strategy too - helps to laugh at how silly the thoughts and worries get when one is "borrowing trouble".
Yup, fake it 'til you make it is a good way to get out the door. Once I'm out there, the kindsness of people and their friendly ways just helps so much. It always amazes me how many great people there are out there - folks I meet can really get my heart back on track.
Broccoli stuck in his teeth?! That is hilarious. I'll use that visual to remember to laugh when I am trying to get a date happening. Kind of puts it all into perspective.
LadyDancingAlone - it's better to dance alone than to refrain from dancing, eh? Even when I'm dancing with folks, that connection between my body and the music is a solitary and very magical feeling.javascript:smilie('')
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 131
Should depressed People date?
Posted: 8/15/2006 9:32:34 AM

"Always maintain a healthy balance. But, when push comes to shove, always lean a little more towards homicide than suicide"

Oh I LOVE IT!

Is that like "51% sweetheart,49% b*tch, DON'T PUSH YOR LUCK" ?

@backontrak;
Girl you will be JUST FINE!
I don't get the "dread" thing about 1st meeting...how in the world will you know what direction your connection with this is gonna go otherwise? Even if it sinks like a ROCK,well you hadda find out...
Lemme tell ya what, since I quit getting my hopes up before each 1st meeting, that this guy was gonna be "THE ONE" , I've had a helluva lot more FUN and actually have a better "retention" rate as far as having more dates, staying in touch, at least maintaining a friendship.
I will once again state MY position that depression is no different than any other health condition,if we start a "should not be dating" list and put those who are coping with depression on it, then we are also obligated to add people with diabetes, heart conditions, hypertension, ulcers, arthritis/chronic pain conditions to that list,because pain, fatigue, inconsistent blood sugar levels, side effects of meds, all of those might at some point affect the person's level of functionality, level of energy, and MOOD, just like depression!
Cindy O
 Hegadil
Joined: 7/1/2006
Msg: 132
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Should depressed People date?
Posted: 8/15/2006 8:30:46 PM

LadyDancingAlone - it's better to dance alone than to refrain from dancing, eh? Even when I'm dancing with folks, that connection between my body and the music is a solitary and very magical feeling.javascript:smilie('')


Very fine, but it doesn't work for men.
 Hegadil
Joined: 7/1/2006
Msg: 133
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Should depressed People date?
Posted: 8/15/2006 8:36:03 PM

I will once again state MY position that depression is no different than any other health condition,if we start a "should not be dating" list and put those who are coping with depression on it, then we are also obligated to add people with diabetes, heart conditions, hypertension, ulcers, arthritis/chronic pain conditions to that list,because pain, fatigue, inconsistent blood sugar levels, side effects of meds, all of those might at some point affect the person's level of functionality, level of energy, and MOOD, just like depression!


Well, what is more important on a date than MOOD? Romance is ALL about mood, from getting out the door to making multiple attempts at contact. Those suffering from a mood disorder are simply going to find their romantic life DISORDERED. Lotsa luck on finding people who have the patience to work with us on this.
 bobby7
Joined: 3/22/2006
Msg: 134
Should depressed People date?
Posted: 8/15/2006 8:47:18 PM
"when push comes to shove, always lean a little more towards homicide than suicide"

That was, indeed, priceless...

The problem I ran into is that my S/O would tend to medicate herself, and/or alter the doses recommended my her doctor.

I found it very confusing when I went to the store for something she needed, got a kiss at the door on my way out, and returned to a stranger, who was screaming at me..

Sometimes, love and patience are not just enough.

On the other hand, I have met many bi-polars at meetings and group sessions I attended with her. Some of them became, and remain, good friends..

For me. the rule of thumb is this..If a person manages their medication well, they manage bi-polarism well..and should, most definitely date...Bob
 Hegadil
Joined: 7/1/2006
Msg: 135
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Should depressed People date?
Posted: 8/17/2006 6:14:37 AM

Oh dear lord ... are we sure it wasn't the dating that made them depressed to begin with?


A very good question. I'm thinking of withdrawing from the whole process. It is no fun, and chances of success seem to be diminishingly small. Time to focus on other things.
 backontrak
Joined: 7/5/2006
Msg: 136
Should depressed People date?
Posted: 8/17/2006 9:48:26 PM
Ladyc4 thanks so much - that is a much more balanced perspective and you are quite right so I'll just wade into this pond with an open mind and my water wings fully inflated.
Keiran(sp?) Sorry if it doesn't work for men that I like to dance alone. I think it's good that men and women have some different interests - makes it that much more interesting to be together after each has been on their own adventure(s) then come together to share the best of both worlds. My ex used to hike up mountains to shoot a sheep for the freezer. Not my idea of a grand weekend but I sure enjoyed helping to freezer wrap the roasts and help host feasts all winter long. Each to his/her own, eh?
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 137
Should depressed People date?
Posted: 8/18/2006 10:01:31 AM
@Tierran52

I was pointing out that If we were going to isolate people with depression from dating, then we might as well also withhold dating from those with many other illnesses,because sometimes pain, fatigue, med side effects could also have a negative effect on mood. Therefore we are saying that only those who are young and in extreme good health should be dating and the rest of us should what? go crawl under a rock someplace?

It sounds like you are like about 3/4 of the way to giving up on dating/romance,and of course you have a perfect scapegoat...depression.

I can only relate my own experience, and yes I had a strong SO relationship when I experienced major depression. But it sure seems to me that having someone in your life,"watching your back" so to speak, would make dealing with depression a little bit easier.
It may add another layer of difficulty to the proceedings, and if you've let dating becomes more of an ordeal than a pleasant experience, it might well be time to step back and clear your head but I do not see it as a reason to just give up and resign to being alone.
Cindy O
 zentral
Joined: 10/30/2005
Msg: 138
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Should depressed People date?
Posted: 8/18/2006 12:28:36 PM
Based on personal experience, I would not want to date someone who is depressed. I found it very physically and emotionally draining. There is recent research that explains this phenomenon, and it is real.

Link: High-maintenance Dynamics At Work May Affect Subsequent Performance

http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/medicalnews.php?newsid=49676&nfid=rssfeeds

Excerpt (that applies more to dating than workplace interactions):

Yet another experiment in the five-study paper shows how high-maintenance interactions with individuals exhibiting the hopelessness characteristic of depression impairs a person's ability to perform physical stamina tasks afterward. And Finkel's upcoming research on speed dating shows similar effects of high-maintenance coordination in romantic relationships, suggesting that certain people act as "emotional vampires" toward almost everybody they encounter, even in a romantic context.
 Ninki
Joined: 4/11/2005
Msg: 139
Should depressed People date?
Posted: 8/18/2006 1:00:41 PM
Sure! Why not? I suffer from clinical depression, but have not been on any medication for the last seven years. I took Zoloft for about four years prior to that, but stopped because of undesirable side effects. I struggle with my condition every single day. I have better days and worse days. For me right now, the number one source of unhappiness in my life is my job. I hate it, but am unable to find another. If any man would choose not to date me because I'm depressed that's okay, he has that right. No hard feelings...

N.

 chaswhatif
Joined: 4/30/2005
Msg: 140
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Should depressed People date?
Posted: 8/18/2006 2:42:44 PM
Depresed folks should date affirming,understanding,compassionate folks who won't take advantage of them.
Same for most folks.
 Hegadil
Joined: 7/1/2006
Msg: 141
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Should depressed People date?
Posted: 8/19/2006 11:59:26 AM
As someone else put it: HOW should they date? would be a better question. Even with meds, dating takes a great deal of dynamic energy to remain upbeat and witty. I guess go slow and don't make contact too soon.
 Hegadil
Joined: 7/1/2006
Msg: 142
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Should depressed People date?
Posted: 8/19/2006 12:03:32 PM

Depresed folks should date affirming,understanding,compassionate folks who won't take advantage of them.
Same for most folks.


Indeed there are those who will dismiss you as a wet blanket or self-pitying or weak because of your illness. They will tell you to "snap out of it," or some kneejerk cure-all as "go out and help the elderly." That may be a very good idea, but does not cure anything.
 backontrak
Joined: 7/5/2006
Msg: 143
Should depressed People date?
Posted: 8/20/2006 9:58:04 AM
Well now, there's an old saying, "When I got busy I got better" and that has helped me to keep my depression in perspective. I also found that, when I was in a helping profession working the high risk teens, it really helped me during a dark time in my life. Seems I was not able to help myself but I found in very rewarding to help others. In doing so I healed quickly and strongly. Go figure. Also, their very pointed questions helped me to sort out some of my feelings and thus put me back on track about dating. I really had to examine some of the notions I held and had not examined. They sort of helped me sort out my baggage by trying to sort out theirs and asking me questions. Just my 2 cents.
Sometimes the cure is found along the path we took by chance. Remember, most of the best medicine in the world grows wild in nature.
 Zain.
Joined: 9/20/2005
Msg: 144
Should depressed People date?
Posted: 9/7/2006 6:40:24 PM
My depression is actually what's crippled me from finding a girlfriend or keeping a job and I'm not afraid to admit it right now I'm taking cipralex for my depression and anxiety. and I''ve started going to counciling Personally, I just don't think I'm in a good place to be dating. I'm focusing on bettering myself then finding a gf I'm open to meeting someone but getting a gf just isn't very high on my list of priorities.
 Zain.
Joined: 9/20/2005
Msg: 145
Should depressed People date?
Posted: 9/7/2006 7:04:29 PM
"Indeed there are those who will dismiss you as a wet blanket or self-pitying or weak because of your illness. They will tell you to "snap out of it," or some kneejerk cure-all as "go out and help the elderly." That may be a very good idea, but does not cure anything".

I couldn't have said it better myself a lot of people are ignorant and don't understand that depression is an illness.
 omg wtf
Joined: 9/3/2006
Msg: 146
Should depressed People date?
Posted: 9/7/2006 7:36:19 PM
Yes, depressed people should date of they want. Then they will find someone and feel better.
 claypot
Joined: 3/7/2006
Msg: 147
Should depressed People date?
Posted: 9/8/2006 5:06:14 AM
WOW, with all the education now a days on depression, some people still don't get it.

Sorry trying REAL hard NOT to be a smart a$$, but if someone is depressed, another people can't change that, if has to happen within the depressed person.

I'm living proof of this.
 pilen1968
Joined: 1/3/2006
Msg: 148
Should depressed People date?
Posted: 9/8/2006 7:30:47 AM
I say, depressed people can date. The word "depressed", gives individuals the illusion and assumptions, that a depressed person is mental, crazy, and a psycho one. Depression and anxiety disorders share the same traits. 12% of the population suffer from anxiety disorders, and I am one of them. I have been on anti-dez for 8 years. They have changed my life for the positive. So, my take is Sure, why not!.
 pilen1968
Joined: 1/3/2006
Msg: 149
Should depressed People date?
Posted: 9/8/2006 7:36:50 AM
Well spoken. I agree 100%.

Since depression & anxiety have the same courses on ones life, that means that a person with an anxiety disorder shouldn't date either. As a result, 12% of the whole countries population shouldn't date.
 derailed
Joined: 5/24/2006
Msg: 150
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Should depressed People date?
Posted: 7/2/2007 8:55:46 PM
I can't beleive I'm actually gonna post on this subject.I know I don't have the answer as to whether or not they should date,I know I can't(want to so badly,but can't).I don't think I could put this EVIL onto anyone,including family.In my humble opinion,depression or whatever it is is worse than any hell I could imagine.Starts off with having just a few bad days a month,and before you know it,it turns into just a couple of good days a month,then it spirals into total darkness with no hope of any good days.I feel for anyone who go'es through this improperly diagnosed(for some)disease.My best place is to be alone,it makes me feel a little better knowing I'm not putting this on anyones shoulders but my own.They don't deserve it.7 years and counting.Hope I don't delete my profile due to the embarrassment of my post,I enjoy the forums.
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