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Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 26
Why do Single mothers push men away?Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)

I think a lot depends on pre-existing situations. In many couples that are still together, the mother is the defacto childminder, doing the bulk of the caretaking of the kids while the dad occasionally "babysits" and when they split up, this situation remains.
before I divorced, I paid my niece to watch my kids while I worked and I cared for them at night. their mother spent way less time with them. after separating, it was several monthes before my first 4 hour visit and took a year to slowly 'introduce' the kids to me.
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 27
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Why do Single mothers push men away?
Posted: 2/22/2019 4:45:27 PM
John, you were an involved parent then. Many fathers are not so involved. Back in the day, an involved dad who actually did a higher share of the parenting than the mother, could get screwed over in court because the courts were inclined to decide that the mother was and should be the primary caregiver of the children. Nowadays, court decisions are much different. Generally the courts really want to keep both parents as involved as possible and that means joint custody with equal access. Most guys nowadays who don't see their kids much post-split, are doing so by choice. A lot of guys won't even try to get joint custody. I think one major reason is that many men tend to work longer and more hours so it is more difficult for them to parent the amount they would need to for joint access. But women who work more are treated the same. I know a woman who is a nurse, whose ex took her to court because the kids were with babysitters too much during their time with her (because she was working) and said that he worked less so could spend more time with them. She had asked that a parenting schedule be made which gave him the weeks when she was on evening shifts and for her time with them to coincide with when she was on day shifts but the judge instead told her that she needed to find a way not to work those evenings when the kids were with her. She could not get such a position at work so ended up giving up her permanent rotation and working as a casual relief nurse, making herself unavailable for those evenings she had the kids and giving up working in an area of the health center she enjoyed for years. She's lucky she was a nurse and could do that though. A lot of other jobs don't have that option of dropping to casual.
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