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Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > Are all single-mom scenarios the same?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 11
Are all single-mom scenarios the same?Page 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Carol27,
Great response. People will make time when they're interested, and sometimes it's all timing when meeting someone. I believe her problems with me playing a role with her child, and offering my concerns and 2 cents about her child, were the things that started things downward. Making time is difficult for her, and the timing wasn't right, because with no dating experience on her part and having a child, all it took was a post-honeymoon phase.

Funtastic!,
Thank you so much for your post! The relationship was about as serious as a relationship can be in the short-term -- one of those where you feel like you've known the person for a long, long while. I did have a lot of patience, and I can't get on myself for not handling a few events in a mistakable fashion -- but I did more than enough. However, I never thought it would end like this, in a cold-hearted manner on her part. I didn't ask for much, except total open communication with two people adjusting -- I guess that would just cause her stress. Thanks again, cutie!

BUBBA FUDD,
You're jumping the gun, not having the whole story, but you do have a point. I have had set desirable parameters that would be feasible -- and have had similar talks with her more in the beginning, as you proposed. Problem is, near the end, I did have a gloomy tone to my description of feasabilities, and it was more just me talking -- but much of that was due to the fact that the relationship and she herself was a little strange, too. This caused me, combined with me not seeing her during the week, to be "not that into her" -- more of a natural result and just a temporary bubble. But whether we were really meant for each other, would be decided with real, open communication -- like any couple of any sort should have. And yes, I started and pushed for communication with her, significantly. Obviously, the lack of desire on her part to do such a normal thing says a lot -- essentially, that I was a rebound.

I can tell ya that I'm not that into her anymore, and I really don't want to talk with her. I have lost a lot of respect for her, moved on, but I guess I always have curiosities about relationships -- even my own! :)
 Huggablehottie
Joined: 8/3/2006
Msg: 13
Are all single-mom scenarios the same?answer:No!
Posted: 9/12/2006 11:41:17 AM
Regarding the first post,
No, not all single moms are like the person you described.
I hardly spend much time with my family.
I spend most of my time with my kids.
That woman has to realize that if she wants a man in her life,
she can't expect him to just hang around the family. She should
give the guy some of her time.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 14
Are all single-mom scenarios the same?answer:No!
Posted: 9/12/2006 4:06:52 PM
Huggablehottie,

Thanks for your input. What I didn't put in my first post was that after the argument in the car, I left, as she negated any opportunities back at her place with family members there, to say that I could stay or to walk me to the car alone to talk and say goodbye at least (she brought her child in her arms outside to wave goodbye, after I've already said goodbye to the daughter). I called her once where I left a voicemail, and she's never returned my call in nearly a week, and it happened over a week ago. I assume, by logical standards of course, that it's broken up.

I guess what I wanted, is not to "win her back" by any means necessary, but for her to realize how cold it was to do that, and that it wasn't "picky" of me to want her to at least *want* to spend time outside the company of family members or to genuinely show it... Breaking up the right way is what it's about. If it were a 2 week relationship, it'd hurt but just be a pain in the ass for a bit of time. This one was a lot more than that. In many situations, the way you break up is a reflection of what you have thought of that relationship and person as.

Todd
 Huggablehottie
Joined: 8/3/2006
Msg: 15
Are all single-mom scenarios the same?
Posted: 9/12/2006 7:17:20 PM
You know a lot of single moms complain about men not wanting to date them,
or only wanting sex, blah , blah , blah,
You hear of Todd, who sounds like a good guy with feelings, and wanting
to be with a mom.
There is nothing wrong with that at all!
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 16
Are all single-mom scenarios the same?
Posted: 9/15/2006 12:56:58 PM
Thanks for your posts guys -- again, regardless of your opinions. I know me writing about it in detail can imply I'm needy at first glance... or replying to people's posts to fill them in on it can imply that I'm not "letting go". :)

It was a really intense relationship, went too fast, and I was biting off more than I could chew, and so was she. Just a rare shame that she refused to talk with me without warning, after an argument and no talk about breaking up. I guess after leaving a voicemail 2 days later, flowers 3 days after that, and a voicemail 3 days after that -- I did more than my part to let her know that I was a caring & dependable guy, and she'd be hard pressed to label me as anything different overall.

I've moved on -- and no, I don't think all single mothers are like that! Just ones who have issues with men, relationships, and/or other things! :)
 MrGordonGecko
Joined: 6/29/2006
Msg: 17
Are all single-mom scenarios the same?
Posted: 9/15/2006 1:17:39 PM

But basically, are single mothers like this? Is it just me? Did she just want a guy for a while, but it wore off??


I don't know if you can categorize single mothers all into one group.

However I do think you can make some basic assumptions about supply and demand.

The single parents, both men and women, who have the most to offer in a relationship ( good looks, financial stability, educated, a true career track, social networks, family support, etc) don't stay single for very long. They have enough to offer to offset the obvious issue the come with bringing a child into a new relationship.

Then there is every other single parent out there, with varying degrees of problems and pluses like any other person. But just having a kid in the first place is such a legal/financial/emotional/social minefield for the average single person that you would need alot of upside to counteract the obvious disincentives to date most single parents. Most people don't have that level of upsides.

So are many single mothers like the problematic situation you had? I don't know. I do know that the single mothers who represent the very best catches don't stay single for long. Sorry bud, it's like going into the bakery. You come in late in the day, all you have left are plain bagels and day old bread. Maybe some women will be pissed that I said this, but even in dating, you cannot deny the reality of supply and demand.

There are some single mothers out there who are good catches and have good situations for dating and mating, but like anything else in life, they are probably few and far inbetween. Might be best for you to keep looking man. Looks like the woman you were with, she'd sit on the bakery shelves for a while for most. Life is too short to waste on those who represent no future for you.

Good luck to you.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 19
Are all single-mom scenarios the same?
Posted: 9/19/2006 4:57:48 PM
ilovebali,

LOL!

I will not date a guy that need "strangers" on the internet to make a "lifetime" decision I think u need to have more friend, social life and grow up to be able to make your own decision instead of asking silly question like this. Please take this as an advice no hard feeling, k?


And what question was that? What lifetime decision was I asking for? Getting feedback from others on how common or uncommon scenarios are with people who are divorcing or are just dating with a child isn't exactly a lack of a social life or dependance on strangers for attention, sorry.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 21
Are all single-mom scenarios the same?
Posted: 9/20/2006 12:37:00 PM
ilovebali,

The reason I put up a post about 2 weeks ago, was because I was wondering if that's how single moms were, and from a single mom's perspective, would there be anything I'd be missing, in terms of what she'd be thinking. Additionally, I never was able to get ahold of her -- otherwise I never would have posted. But yes, it is over (one of my later posts pointed that out). I guess me still posting to responses implies that I don't consider it over or anything! lol

And I think the forums are a good place to exchange ideas, and I wasn't afraid to get other people's input! :)

Todd
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 22
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Are all single-mom scenarios the same?
Posted: 10/8/2013 1:52:24 AM
I don't think it would be appropriate for us to psychoanalyze her for you. Doesn't matter what issues you think she may or may not have. She didn't like YOUR interactions with her child, which says a lot about how she feels about you.



The reason I put up a post about 2 weeks ago, was because I was wondering if that's how single moms were, and from a single mom's perspective, would there be anything I'd be missing, in terms of what she'd be thinking.


That all depends on what your fight in the car was about and how you tried to disciple her child. All we know is you were (your words) “frustrated” with her child and said “no” to her child.

Given the fact we know nothing about her side of the story and only a fraction of the details, from what you have written so far, she sounds like a regular concerned and responsible mother.

So the answers MOST posters have given you is:
1. No, not all single moms are the same
2. Why should a single mom be any different when she is dating someone like you
3. Yes, you are missing a whole lot. Most posters addressed what you are missing.

It is a parents job to be protective of her child; whether she is single or not is irrelevant.
Two months is a fair amount of time to get an idea about someone and to decide it's not working out.
 CharminC
Joined: 2/19/2011
Msg: 23
Are all single-mom scenarios the same?
Posted: 10/8/2013 7:45:37 AM

I was wondering if that's how single moms were



Yes, It's how all single moms who you've kissed at a bar, has a 2.5 yr old, going through a divorce after leaving the ex 8 months prior to you meeting her, and lives 2 hours away with family members are.
Does that answer your question?
 lookinfouryoutoo
Joined: 7/31/2012
Msg: 24
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Are all single-mom scenarios the same?
Posted: 10/9/2013 9:16:11 PM
Let's keep this thread alive! Single moms haven't been bashed enough lately. I kid. Kinda.
 Bachelorette.Number1
Joined: 4/18/2013
Msg: 25
Are all single-mom scenarios the same?
Posted: 10/10/2013 9:07:50 PM
I might be able to help answer your question.

She's freaking out some. The single mom.
So in that regard you are correct. It's her divorce and child custody that are doing it.
However, she seems committed to her child. Some single mom's aren't. So in that regard she's ok.
You don't want one that's not committed. period. You'll be raising the kid.
She has a two year old - a two year old is way demanding. It will change, so will she.

Alot of single moms (my kids are in their 20's now) find single childless men to be rather selfish and decide rather quickly that said men are not at all worth any effort - we liken it to having another child. And we're tired, from all the single mom-ness. So we don't have time nor energy for it. Deleted.

Something that I don't think alot of men get, is this - we are women. In our womanly heart we want to be protected and feel we would like someone else to help provide (in a perfect world). Alot of us have been taught to be nice girls, and to be a good wife and mom.
When the dad leaves, we are forced to be a mother and a father, but we're not the father, we have to develop that side of us. So sometimes what you'll find is decisive, strong, non crap taking women who are single moms. Because that's what it takes to be the mom and the dad all rolled into one. We're not always sure about that line, so sometimes we guess.
Really, it's all kinda broken our hearts, but we're also good moms and so we're dedicated to making sure our kids will NOT fall through the cracks of this world, which means, that nurturing our own broken heart is out of the question. No time for that. Single moms learn to stand up because it's all riding on her.
It can get a little dicey. She wants to be a woman and she has to be a man at times.
Most of us secretly wonder, where are the men?

So my advice to you is to tell her everyday, she's doing a good job. In that way you will provide for her. Your needs will be second mostly, sometimes first. As are hers. You are a consultant not a manager unless she asks you to be one. Patience is paramount. If she's a good woman, she'll love you for understanding this and respecting the position she now has.
 sddude
Joined: 12/9/2007
Msg: 26
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Are all single-mom scenarios the same?
Posted: 10/29/2013 3:38:48 PM
Well ,

I had the same experience several times, I am childless and not selfish as some stated about childless men.

I have dated more than several quite alot of single moms and universally the children and her closest family support are much more priority than men. I have never used women for sex, I date to find a serious relationship leading to marriage kids family etc... most seemed to preocupied with their problems to deal with another element in their lives, what seems to be dreammy hope to them wears off due to situational burn out. My sister is that way, I could never let her understand that men are people too not children like some women here have mentioned, yes we men and women want attention, we want love, is that so difficult to understand ? The original poster mentioned all of this in other ways, he wants to be loved , feel loved as the woman does.

Most of you defend women doing this, does that mean a man has to give more love and understanding to his future partner while she does not seem to act to care? Women would not buy that either, I still date women with children but the emotional dynamics are usually not in the mans favor. We are expected to be eternally and profoundly understanding with rock solid patience and infinite love. We are not angels , we are human so we move on like he did,

Yes there are two sides of the issue we only hear his, I can only say my experience has been similar more than several times. i see nothing wrong as others see it to just back away when feeling unwanted.
 Bachelorette.Number1
Joined: 4/18/2013
Msg: 27
Are all single-mom scenarios the same?
Posted: 10/29/2013 8:37:55 PM
I think, this is one of those situations where, if you don't have your own kids, there's a lesser chance of understanding
the depth of devotion/love that comes into play.
So perhaps, selfish isn't quite the description.
Single parents are over-busy. I'm not entirely sure most childless people could understand.
I know if I didn't go through it myself, I never would have.

When you're at a nice hotel for a night of crazy sex and your 8 year old calls and has a 101 temperature and is barfing all over the house and crying for you to come home....if it's not you that's the parent ....there's really no other
answer to a call like this. Plus how is the remainder of the night going to progress anyway?
Then the next day, there's missed homework, doctor visits, and the next day there's sports and homework and laundry
and dinner and grocery shopping, and baths and discipline and on and on...

If your childless and expect all the attention on you maybe just stick to dating childless people...
My kids are finally grown and gone. Which is probably the reason why I have time to explain it.
 5150Rivergirl
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 28
Are all single-mom scenarios the same?
Posted: 11/12/2013 6:57:01 PM
OMG! This post was resurrected and I posted in it (from an old account) from 7 years ago! Damn. Ive been single that long???? :( hahahahahaha
My POV is still the same :)
 lookinfouryoutoo
Joined: 7/31/2012
Msg: 30
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Are all single-mom scenarios the same?
Posted: 1/3/2014 1:20:03 PM

I've found that single mothers put their children first (duh, right?), themselves second, family third, friends fourth, pets fifth, and then boyfriends last.


Ha, true! Now, here we have a guy with some experience in this scenario. I have run into quite a few that put themselves before their children though.
 DiezelPhoenix
Joined: 5/15/2013
Msg: 31
Are all single-mom scenarios the same?
Posted: 1/17/2014 12:03:47 PM

I've found that single mothers put their children first (duh, right?), themselves second, family third, friends fourth, pets fifth, and then boyfriends last.


Ultimate Catch-22. I don't want to be last on the hierarchy, but god forbid I tell anyone with kids that.
I've dated some single mothers in the past. Bad and good experiences. Some were excellent with time management, others expected me to step into the father role. In the end, I finally decided not to keep trying. On the one hand, obviously their kids are more important, but if that becomes a problem for me and I want to date someone with no kids... I get chastised for it.
Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 32
Are all single-mom scenarios the same?
Posted: 1/20/2014 1:53:03 AM
CR-
Been a long time since you posted this. With your own field research since then, what do you think now?

Yeah, wow. 7+ years ago! And I haven't even bothered to look at the thread at all -- I figured it was essentially dead! Anyway...

Looking back on it, and with experiences with single moms -- essentially, it was her Situation. She was a "velcro mom". I remember her crying at an annual cottage camp-out with a bunch of friends, because she wasn't with her 2 year old, even she lived with family & her sister with toddlers, etc too. And going thru custody stuff + her separated husband who was upset upon hearing about me (thru their toddler saying my name) -- was really bad timing... and living 2 hours away while she was living with family, too. She had a Lot going on in divorce & custody process + no real dating experience + 2 hours away = no shocker it wouldn't work out for a Relationship. :)

In essence, one shouldn't have high-expectations in situations like that, and should only begin with expectations only after the honeymoon phase has solidly passed AND things are looking good.

So no, it wasn't merely being a single parent. Those vary a lot -- on the kid's age, custody issues, problems resolved/unresolved in relation to the kid, and lot of other things. BUT from what I've learned in other situations though -- if a Serious relationship is the aim with someone who's a single parent when you aren't -- you want to err on the side of not starting something with someone who's a velcro-mom or has too much to handle with the kid(s) or has custody/visitation issues. Keep it casual or in fling mode without expectations if that seems to be the case, and stay single.

But there are a number of single moms who have babysitters through family, their kid(s) are grown up enough, they have every other weekend off etc, all while they have a level, cheerful head about things. I wouldn't define that as a single mom, but there some who are -- you just have to look at the specifics if you're going to be aiming for Relationship.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 33
Are all single-mom scenarios the same?
Posted: 1/22/2014 9:25:32 AM
Posted by SmileyFunGuy:
"...I've found single mothers put their children first (duh, right?), themselves second, family third, friends fourth, pets fifth, and then boyfriends last...I've tried it a few times (and even got to the point of having real, exclusive emotions for one of them) but over and over and over again being treated like a 6th-class person finally drove me off it..."

My recent experience is somewhat like that of SmileyFunGuy and DiezelPhoenix.
A woman I dated nearly a year would drop everything for her children and they were 17 y.o. and 16 y.o.! I am talking like arriving dressed to take her to dinner...and she was still in her yoga gear because her younger child needed a ride to a sleepover party two miles away or something equally ridiculous.

She would then ask me to call the restaurant to cancel our reservations and could I buy us takeout Chinese food instead? Really? Meanwhile, the older child would be playing video games in the basement...whom I feel should have been INSTRUCTED to take her younger sibling to the nearby party in the 2011 car her parents had GIVEN to her.

Use caution swimming in those waters.
Use lots of care if the parents have tragically raised brats.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 34
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Are all single-mom scenarios the same?
Posted: 1/27/2014 12:52:14 AM
^^^^^
Eric...Imagine how her kids' father felt being put aside for the kids. This seems to be too common. What's the incentive for the guy to stick around? I wouldn't have lasted a year.

RockabillyPaGirl has a balanced and sensible approach.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 35
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Are all single-mom scenarios the same?
Posted: 1/27/2014 7:02:57 AM

I wish more women had this mindset, although I'd prefer 22-25 instead of 30.


At the younger age, it is probably more difficult for her to have that balanced and sensible approach, as the children are younger and far more dependent. Women closer to our age generally have grown or almost grown kids.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 36
Are all single-mom scenarios the same?
Posted: 1/27/2014 4:05:55 PM

She would then ask me to call the restaurant to cancel our reservations and could I buy us takeout Chinese food instead? Really?

Yeah, I'm not a fan of those who boast "My children come First!" What does that mean, exactly? Like, from tending to in the basic Needs of a child, or canceling plans to have to drive across town to return a green shovel she bought the child in exchange for a red one they really wanted, and all the while pick up some new clothes for herself or the child since she's out there? :)

IMO, if a parent doesn't know the difference between a Need and a Thneed (see Dr Seuss) and they have difficulty discerning the two, then they're not ready to actually DATE yet. From my experience, dating women with young kids who have full custody or pretty close to it, many will want you to conform to how they roll, take it or leave it. And if you don't due to how they roll, they get pissed if they liked you. Too one-way-streetish much of the time. But not all are like that, however, one should expect it being kinda common. :)
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