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Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 2
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Imagine 34 years later a ghost of a parent appears...Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)
This grown up child has a choice.

This grown up child could ...

*keep things the way they have been for decades ... no contact.

*meet with the dying old man and tell him in a tactful way how life has materialized without him.

This grown up child needs to realize that many will recommend professing forgiveness ... and yet others will recommend not forgiving him.

This grown up child has to decide what is right and comfortable for themself and then follow through with it.

This grown up child also has to realize that there is not way to get back any lost time ... and that whatever is done until the day the dying old man dies ... will also not be able to be changed after he dies.

 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 11
Imagine 34 years later a ghost of a parent appears...
Posted: 9/17/2006 8:16:03 AM
...It is true that he has not shown any remorse for what he has done to you all these years and you certainly deserved better but remember, it is you who will have to live with whatever decision you come to. He has probably regretted what he has done and has had to live with that decision for 34 years. We all make mistakes, some bigger than others and have regrets
that remain with us no matter how much time has gone by. Don't let bitterness and hurt mask your feelings, be the forgiving party. At least you will know in your heart that you let him go in peace and you will feel better for it.

Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 31
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Imagine 34 years later a ghost of a parent appears...
Posted: 7/10/2008 7:12:39 PM
Well, as far as I know my father didn't kill anyone, but he did disappear for 32 years of my life.

I came home from a camping weekend (I was 41 yrs old) and I saw his name and a phone number laying on the counter. My 17 yr old came out and said....your "Dad" called. LOL! I said.....yeah....I recognize the name...but are you SURE?" LOL! Soooo, I called him. He still lives pretty far away, but I do try to visit him at least twice a year. No, we don't exactly have a "parent/child" relationship...but we have a "friendship".

You NEED to forgive him...if not for his sake....for your own. I know it's a hard concept to get hold of....but the seriousness of the offense isn't the issue. The fact probably is, that you're still hurting every day because of something that he did 34 years ago as a selfish and irresponsible act.

Forgiveness doesn't mean denying that you've been hurt. Forgiveness is NOT saying...."ohhhh, don't worry about was nothing!" NO!!!!! If his repentence (sorrow) is sincere then as painful as it may be for him to hear just how much and in what ways his action hurt you, he should be willing to bear the weight of your pain (that he caused). Think of it as a "debt" that he wants to pay. Well, there is NO WAY he can do that. He can't jump into a time machine and go back and restore your family or your childhood. So, you have 2 can forgive (cancel) the debt, or you can carry the upaid invoice around with you, despising him for what he took from you and can't every pay back. Hating someone....especially a close member of your family can make YOU sick. (I know a thing or 3 about father only abandoned me....other family members did things FAR worse than that) Hate won't destroy the object it's directed only destroys the one who feels it.
There's nothing wrong with tellling him exactly and specifically what things it is that you lost because of him. How else will he KNOW what he's asking to be forgiven for? ( and how else will YOU know the the debt that you're cancelling)

People get really confused between "forgiveness" and "restoration". Many times, people who aren't terribly sorry about what the DID...but are mostly sorry that they have to pay for their deeds will say.....well....if you don't let me back in your life to mess with you some more...then you didn't really forgive me (making you the bad guy).
This simply isn't true. You can forgive without being "restored"......restoration is not always possible. You can't jump into the time machine either and go back 34 years and be a kid playing ball in the backyard again.

Like I father was absent for 32 years, and the restoration is only such as was possible. We can't go back and live those years and develope the relationship we would have had if he had not been absent. What we DO have is a partially "restored" relationship...where I think of my father and his wife as....older friends.

Forgiveness is also something that can't always happen overnight....particularly when it's a great deal to be forgiven. You have to renew it daily...."Today....I forgive, today, I won't hate you, today....I cancel your debt to me". After a'll find yourself being quite surprised actually MEAN it.
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 33
Imagine 34 years later a ghost of a parent appears...
Posted: 8/24/2011 11:00:59 AM
I'm with Mae Flowers. He's done his time,lived with this horrible memory of taking other's no doubt haunts him ALL the time,to this day. No,MOST of us (hopefully!!) don't make THAT kind of a mistake......but NONE of us are perfect. We ALL goof up;make faus pas,fall on our faces.....we make mistaks? ,.....misticks??.......MISTAKES!!The One and only Perfect One died on the cross,so we could be aquitted of our sins. The dying old man,even if he doesn't actually say the words "I'm sorry," no doubt feels them. He may even think he's unworthy of such an act. as forgiveness. The adult child needs to step up,put on his/herBig-People panties,and be the bigger person.He /She's allowed to feel however way they want to,but forgivness NEEDs to happen. Go on...toss the old fella an olive branch........guarenteed EVERYBODY will feel better for it!
 little bit dizzie
Joined: 10/7/2006
Msg: 34
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Imagine 34 years later a ghost of a parent appears...
Posted: 8/27/2011 5:39:29 AM
You don't owe him a thing, you were cheated out of a family growing up, and he waits til he's sick, probably scared and dying to contact you. Live your life as best you can and be the best parent you can be when and if you become one or are already one. I lost my step-dad of 25 years to a drunk driver on Oct.1,2008. the drunk killed two innocent men that night by making the choice to drink and drive. Over double the legal limit. Plus had only been out of jail for 1 month and 4 days after serving only 1 yr and 4 months of a 5 year sentence for yup, drunk driving, and that one was his 4th or 5th drunk driving offense. If I lived in the same state as it happened in, Part of me would want to go to him face to face and tell him exactly what he did, and how it's effected our families. My 80 yr old mom is now alone, in poor heath, and heart broken. Yeah, drunk ended up getting 2 25 yr 2nd degree murder charges, which will put him around 70ish when he is eligible for parole, and they say he will die in prison because of his health and is in constant pain, I say good, I hope he lives with what he's done for the rest of his wreched life, cause I know my family sure is going to have to. Sorry this is so long, and I know it's not the same as what you went thru in the fact that I'm grown, and got to be raised by my own parents, but people need to quit saying drunk drivers just made a little mistake and deserve forgiving. They didn't make a little mistake, the delibertly got drunk, then drove, then murdered...
Sorry, just knowticed that this was a 2006 post and the op is no longer a member, I just read it some of the responces made me so mad as I said above, I'm so tried of people thinking that a drunk who delibertly drank and drove and murdered just made a mistake and it was just an accident..There is nothing accidental about a drunk driving...period..It was a choice they made. Make arrangements before you get drunk to have someone sober drive you where ever you need to go ...Even tho op won't be reading this, and it's to late to help him decide, if even one person reads this, and then makes the decision to NOT drink and drive it was worth writing..I hope this isn't deleted for maybe straying a little from op's question. but feel what I said is still connected to subject and worth leaving on if it makes people think before they drink and drive.
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