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Joined: 6/10/2010
Msg: 30
Parents who have lost a childPage 3 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
This is a very hard subject...and (((HUGS))) to everyone who has been thru this.

I lost a 16 month old baby in a bathtub mom was babysitting....Long story and it happened 30 years ago. It is very hard on a relationship, and I thought we would work thru it.....but after 27 years it finally took its toll.

You will what-if things the rest of your life....and know it won't change anything. Just know your child is in a better place and God must of needed them more.
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 31
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Parents who have lost a child
Posted: 6/24/2012 6:05:09 AM

Who out there has lost a child, under what circumstances, and how has it affected your life and your relationships?

My oldest daughter, Adele, died June 12, 2006. She was 30 years, 7 months, and 21 days old. I was 6 months through the "1 year" I'd given myself to figure out why I had such lousy taste in men, before I was going to start dating again. (I'd been married for 25 years, divorced..and had just ended a 7 1/2 yr relationship with "the one after the divorce") That "1 year" turned into 3 years because I had become so good at "controlling" my emotions....I was afraid to allow myself to "feel" anything, for fear that the "anything" would turn to "everything". To keep from "loosing" whole days in grief....I learned to "allow" myself only so much time per day to get lost in the memories...and then I "had" to put it away and do something in the living world. Afterall....I have every day for the rest of my life to grieve...I don't have to do it all at one time.

When I decided it was time to date again, I found widowers to be the absolute WORST and most insensitive men on the planet. Unfortunately, at my age, many of the "available men" are single due to being widowed. They have the unfortunate tendency to want to claim some unique hero if, that by their wife dieing, it's somehow elevated them to the level of "Saint". Talked to one widower who's wife had died 5 years earlier, at this point, my "loss" was still pretty recent (2 1/2 years), and even after very sincerely explaing to him that "death" was OFF my list of topics to discuss....he would NOT stop talking about his wifes death. LOL! Well, this definitely violated my daily"time limit" for dealing with grief, so I marked "widowers" off my list of those I'm willing to date.

Then, there are those who think that it's good to compare the loss of their dog, nephew.....nephew's hampster, 2nd cousin on their Dads side to the loss of a child (your child) demonstrate how well they "understand" that there are going to be times when you are simply going to....change the radio station, even though the song playing is a really good one! That's precisely WHY we change the radio station....."she" sang it when she was in the State Youth Choir, and hearing it would send me into one of those "lost moments" which I have to control......lest they control me.
So, there's another "category" of the dating pool crossed off the list of possibilities! LOL!

Let list goes on, but sufficeit to say......I just CAN'T get overly excited about so many of the topics that most people get really insensed over. your girlfriend cheated on you, you lost your job, LOL! you lost a bundle on the Facebook IPO.....WHO CARES???? It's NOT that I'm not very "passionate" about my beliefs, or my relationships, I am. In fact, probably more so now than before my daughter died. BUT, I have put "life" into a wholly DIFFERENT perspective. People are MORE important than "things", and money. Living life and demonstrating affection is more important while those you love ARE alive. Sure, I take flowers to Adele's grave on a regular basis, but NOW....I also take flowers to my LIVING daughters as well. I hug more often, I say "I love you" more often (even when it's in the platonic sense).

Basically....the WORST that COULD ever have happened in my life.....has ALREADY happened, so everything else that happens in a piece of cake by comparison. Many people see that as "arrogance", or a "don't give a $hit attitued", when it's actually the very opposite. I've just learned what the true priorities are in life. LOL!!! And I need to go wake them up to help me clean house.....we're going to the Drive-In tonight to see "Brave" and Madagasgar 3". They are 9 & 12 yrs beautiful grandchildren/children (adopted). THAT is what "life" is all about....sitting in lawn chairs....eating popcorn. (No "dating prospects" can ever seem to get that!!!) LOL!
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 38
Parents who have lost a child
Posted: 1/4/2013 11:15:01 AM
November 1st i got the worst phone call from my daughters dad & stepmom. My beautiful 22 yr. old daughter died in a 1 car accident. I was living up in Illinois for 6 months and now back in San Marcos Texas. She died on impact. It's hard enough when you get older to date and find that " Special someone". Losing my daughter ripped my heart & soul right out of me. I miss her everyday til i die. I don't know what cruel joke the man upstairs was thinking. It was 1 thing to take my parents but not my baby girl. She was amazing. I and hope someday i can find someone that wants me for me and won't leave out of my life. It's a abandonment issue i came to relaize that i have. Everyone i ever loved has died or left. I have a big heart and wish i can get the "Light" back into my life. I don't know what is in store for me and what is suppose to come out of my life with my daughter dying. I guess that will happen in time.
Joined: 1/3/2009
Msg: 41
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Parents who have lost a child
Posted: 1/16/2013 8:01:23 PM
When I saw this thread, I wasn't sure I'd be able to answer it. Next month will be ten years since I lost my daughter. She was only a few hours old when she passed. She had a medical condition called polycystic kidneys. The doctors diagnosed the condition when we went in to have the first ultrasound. They said it would be fatal and asked us if we wanted to abort the pregnancy. We talked and my now ex-wife and I both voted not to do a parent, you never want to give up on your child and you always have hope they're wrong.

The day came when she was born. She was brought into the hospital room and I was holding her as she passed. Even now, there has never been anything that has happened in my life that has brought me to my knees like losing her did.

I have a son before her and one born after. However, like the other parents have said, it's a hole that will forever be in your heart. When I look at my sons when they are together, I sometimes see her face between them for just a moment. You will learn to cope with the grief but you never forget.

As for how it has changed my life, I hope that it has made me a better father. Paraphrasing another poster, I had never had a different thought than that my children would walk me to my grave. Walking your child to theirs is just not something you even want to contemplate, much less endure.
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 43
Parents who have lost a child
Posted: 1/18/2013 6:17:51 AM
Hi yes i have lost a child from a house fire in 1992.I was married at the time in fact it was our first year annavasry when we lost our son.My son was two and a half yrs old.Yes it is a big strain on the marriage with in a yr after we were divorced.It was not the same any more and she could not have any more children at all.Yes it will always hurt about losing my son and as life goes on it gets harder.But i always look up and say LIFE IS GOOD no matter what happens.Dave
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 45
Parents who have lost a child
Posted: 1/18/2013 4:30:33 PM
Timofedm1- Your story and the others shared here touch my heart.
I have never lost a child, but my sister did.
Her first child was a boy. In her 6th month an ultrasound showed that his kidneys and bladder didn't form. He would only stay alive inside her, once he was born, he would pass away immediately.
They offered to deliver the baby, but my sister chose to carry him so that he could live as long as possible.
I've never admired anyone so much.
He passed away shortly after birth.
He would be 21 now, still the saddest thing I've experienced.
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