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Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 383
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Joke of the day !!Page 3 of 36    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36)
Why we split up!

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.

Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up.

And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.

She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.

I told her that's what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 384
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 5/3/2007 7:13:27 AM
"The Blind Man"

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He
finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After
sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna
hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep,
>husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that
joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind --
that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt
in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell
that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 392
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Joke of the day !!
Posted: 5/4/2007 5:52:31 AM
Cinderella is now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The Fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Bob, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.

Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother". The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again". At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. A long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you have?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says,"I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man".

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a man, so beautiful the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen,so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke, "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life."

And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered,
"I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"
Joined: 10/11/2006
Msg: 400
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 5/8/2007 4:53:39 AM
Subject: FW: A Quickie
Date: Sun, 06 May 2007 1201 -0300

A Quickie
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude
woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a
hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and,
with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them,
"As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers
and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to
do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and
giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, "Would you
care to do it again?"

He asks her. "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But
let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and
you shit on its head."

Joined: 10/11/2006
Msg: 404
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 5/10/2007 5:18:48 AM
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his
mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any
breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little ticked off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and
kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes
to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry
cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have milk in my
cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick the chicken,
so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you
don't get any bacon, for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so,
for a week you aren't getting an y milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the ****cat
as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says :

"Are you going to tell him, or should I? "
Joined: 1/11/2006
Msg: 406
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Joke of the day !!
Posted: 5/10/2007 4:47:31 PM
Caution!!! For those with a twisted sense of Humor ONLY!!!

What did the deaf, blind & handicap kid get for xmas?

Joined: 3/25/2006
Msg: 407
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Joke of the day !!
Posted: 5/10/2007 5:00:36 PM
A woman is in the hospital in a coma. One day, a nurse is giving the woman a sponge bath and when the nurse reaches the woman's genitals and begins cleaning them with the washcloth, she notices the an increase in the beeping of the heart rate monitor. The nurse backs off for a minute and the woman's heart rate returns to normal. The nurse begins washing the woman's genitals again and, sure enough, the heart rate monitor begins beeping faster.

Later that day, the woman's husband comes to visit. The nurse who had bathed his wife earlier in the day tells him of the earlier incident that occurred while she was bathing his wife. The nurse says to the husband, "I don't want to get your hopes up too much, but what happened earlier is a good sign. I think a little oral sex may help her out of the coma." The husband agrees and the nurse leaves the room and shuts the door to give them some privacy.

A few minutes goes by and the nurse, who is waiting outside the door, suddenly notices the steady tone of the woman's heart monitor. The nurse rushes into the room and yells at the husband, "What happened!". The husband says, "I think I choked her."
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 410
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 5/12/2007 4:20:00 PM
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
Joined: 10/11/2006
Msg: 413
My favourite joke of all time...
Posted: 5/17/2007 5:47:26 AM
Little Children Believe What They Hear!

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day,

picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the

checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy,

"Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued,

"Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for

me. They're for him. He's my brother & he's four.

We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able

to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."
Joined: 5/10/2007
Msg: 417
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 5/18/2007 9:01:49 PM
i have a joke for the women, and i hope its not here already, but i dont have time to go down through all of them... lol

Q. Why do men snore when they are laying on their backs?
A. because their balls cover their a$$hole and they get vaporlock.

heres another one i remember:

Q. there are two tampons walking up the road, they see a friend which one waves?
A. Neither, They are both stuck up C*nts!

Q. Did you hear about the newfie that went to Toronto?
A. He seen the sign "Toronto Left" so he turned around and went home!

* 16 years later*
~ a woman had just gone in labour with her triplet when her husbend realized he wanted nothing to do with her or the kids and left them in the family car,
~panicking she stumbled out of the house and started to walk towards the nearest hospital.
~getting so far down the road she noticed a alley and decided it would be best if she ran through there to get to the hospital as quick as she could.
~once she had entered a man jumped out around the corner holding a gun and shot her in the stomace 3 times.
~finally she reached the hospital and the doctors declaired she and her three babies were fine. and she gave birth to three healthy babies, 2 girls and a boy.
(16 years later)
~suddenly without warning her first born daughter rushes up to her and cries out "mom, mom guess what?"
~her mother, a little confused, looks at her with confused eyes and replies "what?"
~without warning her first born child cried out, "i pissed out a bullet"
~so without question she explained to her daughter what happened 16 years before.
~a couple days later, her second daughter rushes up to her as well and starts yelling dramatically "mom, mom guess what?"
~more aware of what was coming she simply said, "what?"
~frightened, her second daughter also stated that she too has pissed out a bullet!
~so, a little more cautious of what was going on, she explained what happened 16 years before.
~a month later, her third born child, her one and only son, stumbled up to his mother and looked at her with confused but fasinated eyes, and said "mom, guess what?"
~this time she replied with a simply and hopefully quick reply, "what? you pissed out a bullet?"
~looking confused, he looked at her and yelled. "NO! I WAS WACKING OFF AND SHOT THE DOG!!"

and one more, that my grandmother absolutly loved when i told her, she laughed so hard at it she cried, although personally, i didnt think it was funny, but hopefully you guys will...

during a weekend at the convent 7 nuns decided to go out for a ride on peddle bike around the property, the preist however stayed inside to cook supper while they were enjoying there time out.
after they had been out there a little over two hours the preist went out and called them in for supper, but each of the nuns yelled back to him that they would be in in a moment.
waiting another hour or so the preist returned outside and yelled again that it was time to come in for supper, and again they replied they would be in in a moment.
finally after waiting another hour, the preist stormed outside and yelled out : "if you nuns dont get in here right now, i am putting the seats back on all of them bikes!"

anyways, i hope you guys all enjoy these, i have alot of them, because i am a joke kind of person, just not good at telling them... so, i hope atlest a few of you got a good chuckle of of these...

Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 418
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 5/19/2007 3:24:25 PM
Subject: Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a
day roaming around in Mexico . While sipping his tequila, he noticed a
sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter,
"What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have
excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from
the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy said, "What the
heck, bring me an order." The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor.
There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight
each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to
save you this delicacy."
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed
his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy
of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the
waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller
than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."
The waiter shrugged his
shoulders and replied, "Si,Senor.
Sometimes the bull wins.
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 421
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 5/21/2007 9:15:16 AM
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip

that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

The i-Boob will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always

complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Joined: 10/11/2006
Msg: 422
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 5/21/2007 5:15:23 PM
Two women talking in heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I Froze to Death.

2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
Began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What
About you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
Husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that
I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic
And searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer --- we'd both still be alive.
 truth and beauty
Joined: 5/2/2007
Msg: 423
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Joke of the day !!
Posted: 5/21/2007 9:59:03 PM
Hope no-one's posted this ...

St Peter finds a little group of four nuns waiting to be seen. They explain that they are all from the same convent. When he hears its name the Saint hesitates. "I have heard some disturbing reports about that place," he says. 'I'm afraid I wll have to ask you some questions before I can let you in...."

He draws them aside and asks in a serious tone:

"Have any of you committed the sin of Fornication? The youngest one speaks up tremblingly. "Yes Father......... I looked at a man's penis."

"Go to the font and wash your eyes" he commands, and she goes over to the font and starts washing her eyes.

Turning to the other three he asks again "Have any of you ever committed the sin of Fornication?" and another nun speaks up. "Yes Father," she says. "....... I touched a man's penis."

"Go to the font and wash your hands" he orders, so she goes over to the font as well.

He realises that things are looking even worse that he suspected. Fixing his gaze sternly on the eldest nun, he is about to question her when the younger one interrupts him:

"Can I wash my mouth out before she sits in it?"
Joined: 12/1/2005
Msg: 429
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 5/26/2007 8:11:35 PM
proud to be a man here, and i want my chips back
Joined: 12/1/2005
Msg: 430
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 5/26/2007 8:18:05 PM
usually i get jokes i dunno, either i am really screwed up or that joke was...
lemme loof again..
Joined: 12/1/2005
Msg: 431
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 5/26/2007 8:20:47 PM
umm, ok i kinda get it,,, i guess..
not really
Joined: 12/1/2005
Msg: 432
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 5/26/2007 8:23:12 PM
crap. i don't get it... i was lookin at your tits... sorry...
tell another one and i will ignore them....
i feel like such a dumb ass now
Joined: 12/1/2005
Msg: 435
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 5/27/2007 8:43:08 AM

Mark, you wouldn't be Irish would you... way back even?
;-) ;-) ;-)

Scottish on my dad's side, English on my mom's, Tennessee ridge runner on both..
I am so white, I think John Denver has soul...
I like Al Greene, Sly Stone, and even James Brown, so maybe there is hope for me...
Thanks for sharing the joke, I get it now... must be the Sunday morning vitamins in my bloody mary
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 437
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 5/29/2007 9:26:49 AM
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl
in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the
world." Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in
the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have
their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy.
"It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the
smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and
says."Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell ?
Joined: 5/12/2007
Msg: 439
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Joke of the day !!
Posted: 5/29/2007 9:49:40 PM
Ewugh. Took me a minute but......... Ewugh
Joined: 6/1/2006
Msg: 440
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Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/9/2007 1:54:56 AM
A fifty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watched her for a while and asked, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continued to bounce on the bed and said, "I don't care.
I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says,“I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."
The husband said, "What did he say about your 57 year old arse?"
Your name didn't come up," she replied.
Joined: 5/24/2007
Msg: 448
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/12/2007 5:36:49 PM
Hey Keanooo,
if that was really an Aussie joke they would have been ANZAC biscuits.
Joined: 5/16/2007
Msg: 454
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 7/14/2007 8:08:58 AM
this gynaecologist decides to shange profession.
he wants to be a auto mechanic.
at the end of his course he has the final exam.
he has to completely dismantle an engine and put it back together.
he gets his final mark 150%
hes hows that possible.
instructor says you took it apart put it together and runs better than before 100%
guy says and the other 50%
well he says you did it through the tail pipe 150%.

Joined: 5/16/2007
Msg: 458
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 7/16/2007 8:27:06 AM
thats likeWhat did the guy say when he walked into the bar?

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