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 daveg61961
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 796
Joke of the day !!Page 35 of 36    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36)
The Indians finally captured the lone ranger.

Chief says" lone Ranger you have been such a good adversary I' m going give you three wishes before I kill you.
Lone Ranger asks to speak to his horse silver for his first wish.
Chief thinks and say’s well OK.
Lone Ranger whispers in silvers ear and the horse runs off.
A few hours’ later Silver returns with a hot naked blond. Lone Ranger takes her in his tent and has his way.
The next day Chief calls Lone Ranger. I' m very impressed with your horse he says, but you only have two more wishes and then I'm going to kill you.
Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse silver, he whispers in silvers ear and the horse runs off.
A few hours’ later Silver returns with a hot naked brunette. Lone Ranger takes her in his tent and they really make a night of it.
The next day Chief calls Lone Ranger. I really am very impressed with your horse, but you only have one more wish and I'm going to kill you.
Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse silver.
Now lone Ranger is visibly upset with steam about to come from his nose, whispers angrily in silvers ear, listen you dumb a$$


I said bring posse, bring posse!
 Kaos86
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 797
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/18/2009 2:19:25 PM
The Fence

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at 24 Sussex:
One from Alberta, another from Newfoundland and the third, Quebec.
They go with a government official to examine the fence.

The Albertan contractor takes out a tape measure, does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900,... $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

The Newfie contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700,:.. $300 for materials,
$300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

The Quebec contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the official and whispers, "$2,700."
The government official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a
high figure?"

The Quebec contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the Newfie to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.
 Kaos86
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 800
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/20/2009 9:55:01 AM
THE LOVE DRESS

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained.

'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

' What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered,
sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'
 dddiesel
Joined: 5/19/2008
Msg: 802
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/23/2009 3:48:21 PM
Subject: THE GOLFING NUN.......

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -5 40 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight!' 'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!' 'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother. 'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...








'You missed the f _ _ _ 'n putt, didn't you?'
 snakebird
Joined: 5/15/2009
Msg: 805
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/24/2009 8:40:14 AM
that is the funniest joke i've heard in a long time, i have a huge friend of mine that has some phobia of midgets and i immediately thought of him when i read it. when i told it to him he got tickled and i started laughing, which made him laugh more and it escaladed for at least five minutes... i cried and my face is sore from laughing so much.. stomach too..lol thanks alot, i needed it!
 funbythetoniniowa
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 814
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 7/26/2009 7:33:02 PM
how many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

one but the lightbulb has to really want to change first.
 opticalnoise
Joined: 10/26/2005
Msg: 817
view profile
History
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 7/27/2009 12:30:12 PM
An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, “You’re in charge of sweeping,” to the Irishman, “You’re in charge of shoveling, and to the Chinese guy, “And you’re in charge of supplies. “Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile.”

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, “Why didn’t you sweep any of it?” The Italian replies, “I didn’t have a broom. You said the Chinese guy was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and I couldn’t find him.”

So then the foreman turn to the Irishman and asks why he didn’t shovel. The Irishman replies, “I couldn’t get myself a shovel. You left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I couldn’t find him.”

The foreman is really ticked off now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from a closet and yells: “SUPPLIES!”




(On a side note, like many jokes this joke has several versions floating around. Most commonly the difference is what the workers are doing, i.e. setting up a brick wall, pile of sand, digging a hole, etc. And of course, the ethnicities of the workers changes at random, but the rule of thumb is that the first two workers are European, and the third worker is either Japanese or Chinese. Lastly, where the third worker jumps out from changes frequently.)
 REDDRAGON.
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 818
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 7/27/2009 1:25:13 PM
A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he’s sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, “How will I recognize him?” “That’s easy, he’s a midget with a speech impediment.”

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he’s looking for a male or female horse. “A female horth.” So he shows him a prized filly. “Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth”?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse’s eyes the once over. “Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth”?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse’s ears.
“Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf”? The rancher is gettin’ pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth.

“Nith mouf, can I thee her twat”?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget’s head as far as he can up the horse’s twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.


“Perhapth I should rephrathe that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit”?
 girlie_29
Joined: 9/7/2008
Msg: 820
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 7/28/2009 10:46:00 PM
What do Michael Jackson and caviar have in common???




They both cum on little, white crackers.


*I'm sorry...I heard this one and thought it was hilarious. RIP MJ!
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 7/29/2009 7:33:14 AM
lol thats agood one . . ive got one . . two armish women are out in the field harvesting potatoes , one armish woman picks up two potatoes and says to the other armish woman ," these remind me of my husbands testicles." she replies "why , because they are so round and plump?" "no because they are filthy!"
 Kaos86
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 823
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 7/30/2009 6:54:36 AM
Went to my first Radical Muslim birthday party last week.


The musical chairs was a bit slow but pass the parcel was quick!!!


 Logicrafter
Joined: 5/17/2008
Msg: 827
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 8/1/2009 8:44:35 AM
Superb!
I work in a nursing home. The staff will LOVE this!
Thank you!!!
 e- mermaid
Joined: 6/25/2009
Msg: 837
view profile
History
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 10/27/2009 12:36:58 PM
Bed sheets


An extremely modest man was in the hospital for
a
series of tests, the last of which had left his
bodily systems extremely
upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the
bathroom, he decided
the latest episode was another
and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed
with
diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to
remain
rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of
>bed,
gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out
the hospital window.

A
drunk was walking
by the hospital when the
sheets landed on him. He
started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get
the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled
sheets in a tangled
pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet,
staring down at the sheets, a hospital security0D
guard, (barely
containing his (laughter), and who
had watched the whole incident, walked up
and asked,
"What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring
down replied: "I think I
just beat the shit out of a ghost."

Happy
H alloween
 Flipman61
Joined: 8/22/2009
Msg: 839
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History
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 10/27/2009 3:47:44 PM
If I was still with a number of women from my past when I die...that would be an old Englishman...ie me

Wonderful! Sending it on to my 87 year old mother to tell her friends!
 mymy.ryguy
Joined: 3/2/2009
Msg: 840
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 10/27/2009 6:51:47 PM
Have you heard the joke of the no and me neither?

"No"

Me neither.....

....Don't you get it?

"No!"

...me neither...

 Greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 842
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History
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 11/4/2009 4:55:51 AM
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but the lightbulb has to really WANT to change.

I used to be a huge coke addict. But eventually I had to stop, because the ice cubes kept getting stuck up my nose.
 amos5658
Joined: 9/5/2009
Msg: 843
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:35:05 PM
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper's crack?

If not, you're wondering now aren't you? Have a nice day .




So folks, always remember to wash your hands after handling money

That's my public service announcement for the day.... Thank you
 mike koerber
Joined: 3/13/2009
Msg: 844
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History
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 11/5/2009 9:06:43 PM
what do you call...
five chinese guys
standing next to
one italian guy
standing next to
five afican american guys?

why a sprinkler of course!








chinkchinkchinkchinkchink
wop
niganiganiganiganiga.

ooooooooooooooo
 e- mermaid
Joined: 6/25/2009
Msg: 846
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History
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 11/6/2009 4:05:52 PM
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Harley Biker are all walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie..


The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ' POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.


Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land..' POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.



The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'


The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country.. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'


The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says, 'Fill it with water.'
 e- mermaid
Joined: 6/25/2009
Msg: 848
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History
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 11/15/2009 7:33:23 AM
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."
 stormchaser24
Joined: 11/14/2009
Msg: 849
why parachutes for the cargo in weather balloons are orange.
Posted: 11/20/2009 4:05:15 PM
because all the hunters in this country missed whatever bird they were shooting at and hit one too many of these parachutes instead.
 littlebuck58
Joined: 8/2/2008
Msg: 862
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 1/18/2010 5:56:53 AM
A man walks into a fish and chip shop. He was surprised to see that it was operated by Monks. He asked how much fish do they sell everyday. The Monk replied," Friend, you will need to ask one of the other Monks....I am not in charge of the fish.....because I am the Chip Monk!
 e- mermaid
Joined: 6/25/2009
Msg: 863
view profile
History
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 1/18/2010 9:56:04 AM
The Frog and the Golfer




A man goes out golfing.

He is on the second hole when
He notices a frog sitting next to
The green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."


The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to
Prove the frog wrong, puts the club
Away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!

He hits it 10 inches from the cup
He is shocked. He says to the frog,
"Wow that's amazing.


You must be a lucky frog?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with
Him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!

Hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.

By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas ."



" They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"

The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table,

The man asks, "What do you think I
Should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.



The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel

He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you

You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies,

"Ribbit Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.

With a kiss, the frog turns into a Gorgeous girl.



"And that is how the girl ended up in my room, so help me God, or my name isn't Tiger Woods."
 raxarsr
Joined: 7/10/2008
Msg: 864
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History
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 1/18/2010 7:55:56 PM
One day a Mom was cleaning her son's room and in the
wardrobe she found a bondage S&M magazine.

This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until
his dad got home and showed it to him. He looked at it
and handed it back to her without a word. She finally
asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should
spank him."
 Texas TNT
Joined: 12/22/2009
Msg: 865
view profile
History
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 1/20/2010 5:58:59 AM
That was too good, and so true for so many.
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