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Joined: 11/11/2006
Msg: 461
Joke of the day !!Page 4 of 36    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36)
A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force. "In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared.
(At this point, several of the children giggle.)
I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."
At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh.
The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company"
"That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts."
Joined: 9/5/2007
Msg: 465
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 9/9/2007 8:58:26 AM
Yeh a seal walked into a club.
Joined: 9/5/2007
Msg: 466
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 9/9/2007 9:17:08 AM
Guy gets home from work finds his wife at front door step with bags packed. whats going on here he says. She says i found out to day that what i do for you i can earn one thousand dollors a night in veagas. He goes in and starts packing a bag. She says what are you doing. He says im comming with you i want to see you earn one thousand for the whole year.
Joined: 8/5/2007
Msg: 470
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 9/9/2007 11:07:37 AM
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar .
"What the heck?" he says to himself, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy "What's the name of your willy?"
The cowboy says "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy."
Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan ' Just Do It'.
That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies'.
The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.
So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"
The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX".
The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies "Cause ‘it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellas on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims "FORD, because 'Quality is Job One.'" Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY…..'Like a Rock!'" and gives a wink!
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"
The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"
Joined: 8/5/2007
Msg: 477
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 9/12/2007 9:18:19 PM
Rectum Stretcher

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic

patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my

way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in,

and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?" he asked

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00

Court Costs $45.00

Look on the Cop's Face.............. PRICELESS

For everything else, there's Master Card
Joined: 8/5/2007
Msg: 487
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 9/21/2007 10:07:13 PM
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Lexus convertible out of
the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought, as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him,
blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then
110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for
this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Lexus, looked at his
watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If
you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll
let you go."

The old gentleman paused........ Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off
with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper.
Joined: 3/25/2007
Msg: 492
Posted: 9/27/2007 12:33:17 PM

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over
his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial
sponge bath.
Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to
wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the
covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them,

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
Joined: 3/25/2007
Msg: 493
Morris and his wife.
Posted: 9/27/2007 12:38:49 PM
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year,and every year Morris would say Esther,
I'd like to ride in that helicopter......
Esther always replied ,' I know Morris,but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars,and 50 dollars is 50 dollars,........
One year, esther and Morris went to the fair,and Morris said 'Esther,I'm 85 years old, If I dont ride in that Helicopter,I might never get another chance.......
Esther replied I know , but the ride is still 50 dollars, and 50dollars is 50 dollars......
The Pilot over heard the couple and said,'Folks..I'll Make you a deal.. I'll take both of you for a ride,If you can stay quiet,for the entire ride and not say a word,I wont charge you a penny, but if you say one word its 50 dollars......Ok.....
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.....He did his Dare-devil tricks over and over again...but still not a word......
the pilot carried on and on doing his tricks,and still not a word.....
When they landed,the pilot turned to morris and said BY GOLLY I did everything I could to get you to yell but you didn't ,Im Impressed.......
Morris replied 'well I was going to say something when Esther fell out, but 50dollars is 50 dollars
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 498
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 10/5/2007 12:54:32 PM
How Much Would You Give?

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago. Nothing is moving north or south (never does). Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened, what's the hold up?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton.
They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"

"About a gallon."
Joined: 3/31/2007
Msg: 499
view profile
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 10/6/2007 8:01:21 AM
What do you give a bloke who has everything ?
A woman to show him how it works

I knew this woman who kept empty milk bottles in the fridge incase someone wanted black coffee (evens)
Joined: 3/31/2007
Msg: 500
view profile
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 10/6/2007 8:12:19 AM
Definition of a male chauvinist pig ?
A bloke who hates every bone in a womans body
except his own
Joined: 3/31/2007
Msg: 501
view profile
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 10/9/2007 4:04:40 AM
During a arguement the husband pulls down his trousers removes them and hands them to his wife, telling her try these on , she pulls them on and tells the husband " i cant wear these there 3 sizes to big " taking them off an handing them back the husband says " right remember who wears the trousers in this house " At that the angery wife removes her little g-string hands them to the husband and says " ok put these on ! " husband say " i'll never get into them " wife replies " to right you wont unless you change your attitude"
Joined: 7/10/2007
Msg: 502
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 10/9/2007 4:59:56 AM
> For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find
> ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
> Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
> intellectual way.
> Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer
> magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had
> one son, Jack.
> In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
> produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
> Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
> against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a >>high
> school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
> Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living
> with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe
> Schitt Sherlock.
> Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a
> rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six
> children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout
> childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
> The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens
> nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
> Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently
> returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
> Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
> Sincerely,
> Crock O. Schitt
Joined: 7/10/2007
Msg: 503
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 10/9/2007 5:01:20 AM
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up

leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around

his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely

filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of

cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire

wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly

arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he

had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along

the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle

shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large

a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and

actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she

finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future father my children?' She turns to him and

kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her

in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each

other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more

creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things

she had never done with any other man.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive

guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls

over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?' The

guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes,

and says......................



'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.
Joined: 7/10/2007
Msg: 504
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 10/9/2007 5:03:50 AM
>A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage
> bags, one in each hand.
> There's a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill flies
> out
> of it onto the pavement.
> Noticing this, a policeman stops her.
> "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."
> "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can
> find some of them. Thanks for the warning!"
> "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?
> Did
> you steal it?"
> "Oh, no", says the l ittle old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to
> the
> parking lot of the football stadium.
> Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right
> into my flower beds!" So, I go and stand behind the bushes
> with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingie through
> the bushes, I say: '$20 or off it comes!' "
> "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck!" By the way, what's in
> the other bag?"
> "Well", says the little old lady, "Not all of them pay!
Joined: 7/10/2007
Msg: 505
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 10/10/2007 9:16:45 AM
Chicken Recipe:

> This chicken recipe includes the use of popcorn in the stuffing.
> Imagine that. When I found it, I thought it was perfect for people like
> me who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked,
> yet not dried out.

> Baked Chicken & Dressing
> 6-7 lb. Chicken
> 1 cup melted butter
> 1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
> 1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT)
> Salt/pepper to taste
> Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter,
> salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in
> ; baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the
> popping sounds. When the chicken's ass blows the oven door open and the
> chicken f lies across the room. It's done.
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 506
view profile
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 10/11/2007 1:31:19 PM
This is supposedly a true story from a recent Defence Science Lectures Series, as related by the head of the Australian DSTO's Land Operations/Simulation division.

They've been working on some really nifty virtual reality simulators, the case in point being to incorporate Armed Reconnaissance Helicopters into exercises (from the data fusion point of view). Most of the people they employ on this sort of thing are ex- (or future) computer game programmers. Anyway, as part of the reality parameters, they include things like trees and animals. For the Australian simulation they included kangaroos. In particular, they had to model kangaroo movements and reactions to helicopters (since hordes of disturbed kangaroos might well give away a helicopter's position).

Being good programmers, they just stole some code (which was originally used to model infantry detachments reactions under the same stimuli), and changed the mapped icon, the speed parameters, etc. The first time they've gone to demonstrate this to some visiting Americans, the hotshot pilots have decided to get "down and dirty" with the virtual kangaroos. So, they buzz them, and watch them scatter. The visiting Americans nod appreciatively... then gape as the kangaroos duck around a hill, and launch about two dozen Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter. Programmers look rather embarrassed at forgetting to remove that part of the infantry coding... and Americans leave muttering comments about not wanting to mess with the Aussie wildlife...

As an addendum, simulator pilots from that point onwards avoided kangaroos like the plague, just like they were meant to do in the first place...
Joined: 10/3/2007
Msg: 507
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 10/13/2007 10:58:56 AM
Fantastic. I loved this joke!!
Joined: 10/3/2007
Msg: 508
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 10/13/2007 11:03:22 AM
This is fantastic. I love these jokes! Phyllis
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 512
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 11/29/2007 11:13:59 AM
Football FINALLY makes sense ...

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:

'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!
I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
Joined: 11/27/2007
Msg: 532
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/5/2007 2:56:56 PM
Don't step on a duck!!!!Three women die together in an accidentand go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?".
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
Joined: 6/28/2007
Msg: 536
view profile
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/9/2007 4:54:14 AM
Thought you might enjoy this one.

Ed and Dorothy through Plenty of Fish, and Ed fell head over heels in love
with her when they finally met.

On the third date, the two of them went to dinner and had a
serious talk about how they would continue the relationship.

"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady
friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better
say so now."

Dorothy responded, "If we're being honest with each other, here
goes...........I'm a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, "You know,
it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee

Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 537
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/9/2007 8:44:08 AM
A gas station owner in St.Johns was trying to increase sales so he put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up." Soon Carl, a local Islander pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.
The owner told him pick a number from 1 to 10, if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Carl guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "Bye you were close. The number was 9, "Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, Carl, along with his good buddy, Bill, pulled in for a fill-up and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Carl guessed 2 this time, but again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3.
You were very close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, Carl said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex." Billy replied, "No it ain't Carl, it's not rigged, me wife won twice last week.
Joined: 11/27/2007
Msg: 552
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/13/2007 11:18:07 AM
A lady walks into a high class jewelry shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a salesperson doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam, how may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you'r e going to shit when I tell you the price."

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