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 4601
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 660
Joke of the day !!Page 6 of 36    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36)
"A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always count
on the support of Paul."

Of course, Paul's support is obvious, but it is equally
obvious that to rob from Peter to pay Paul will make Peter
very, very angry.

My question is this: "How can you run a good government
with a sore Peter?"
 Happy4life67
Joined: 3/14/2007
Msg: 661
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History
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 8/2/2008 3:50:47 PM
>>>
A guy fell asleep on an Aussie beach for several hours
and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted
after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in,
the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding
with Saline, Electrolytes, a Sedative and a Viagra pill
every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked,
'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do a thing for his condition,
but it will keep the sheets off his legs.'
 Ayrshireman
Joined: 10/3/2006
Msg: 662
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History
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 8/2/2008 4:16:07 PM
How many Partick Thistle supporters does it take to change a light bulb?

Och he'll manage fine his self
 Ayrshireman
Joined: 10/3/2006
Msg: 663
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History
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 8/2/2008 4:16:59 PM
Is that why he had his enemies hung drawn and quartered?
 rep69
Joined: 4/23/2006
Msg: 677
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 8/14/2008 4:18:16 AM
Thank God for angry old drunks
 Kaos86
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 682
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 8/15/2008 1:35:55 PM
Amish Father and Son

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?
'The father (never having seen an elevator) responded: 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.

'While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son.....'Go get your mother.'
 Kaos86
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 685
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 8/21/2008 9:15:17 AM
Two Blondes

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One
would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole
in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one
girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what
they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the
effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do
you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up
again?'

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably
looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'
 rep69
Joined: 4/23/2006
Msg: 688
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 8/23/2008 1:47:35 PM
no need for the G..D word there splat
 sweetkisses1970
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 697
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 9/7/2008 11:03:21 AM
why that one was so not funny
 bigshrek
Joined: 11/15/2007
Msg: 699
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 9/7/2008 9:56:43 PM
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww ^^^
 Kaos86
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 700
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 9/8/2008 7:52:16 AM
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... a new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see...size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

' Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see...size 36.'

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second opinion - PRICELESS
 deepsouth3
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 705
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History
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 9/30/2008 6:50:29 PM
boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 713
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History
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 11/10/2008 6:23:43 AM
A guy and a gal meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, 'You must be a dentist.'

The guy, surprised, says 'Yes....how did you figure that out?'

'Easy,' she replied, 'you keep washing your hands.'

One thing led to another and they make love

After they are done, the girl says, 'You must be a really good dentist.'

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, 'Well yes, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?'

'Didn't feel a thing'
 tjliddell
Joined: 10/13/2008
Msg: 714
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History
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 11/10/2008 5:43:41 PM
GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)


To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own, grandchildren,
nieces, nephews or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to Hi s own children.

After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was
' DON'T !'

'Don 't what ? '
Adam replied.

'Don't eat the forbidden fruit.'
God said.

'Forbidden fru it ?
We have forbidden fruit ?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit ! '



' No Way ! '
'Yes way ! '

'Do NOT eat the fruit ! '
said God.




'Why ? '

'Because I am your Father and I said so ! '
God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants

A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked !
'Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit ? '
God asked.





'Uh hu h,'
Adam replied.

'Then why did you ? '
said the Father.

'I don't know,'
said Eve.
'She started it! '
Adam said.

'Did not ! '
'Did too ! '
'DID NOT ! '

Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children,
what makes you think it would be
a piece of cake for you ?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !

1. You spend the first two years of their life
teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
the next sixteen telling them to si t down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward
for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why
some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you.
In fact, they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
is to remind yourself that there are children
mor e awful than your own

6. We childproofed our homes,
but they are still getting in.



ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your
nursing home one day

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

'TAKE TWO ASPIRIN'
AND 'KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN'!!!!!

Quick,
send this on to ten people
within the next five minutes.
Nothing will happen if you don't,
but if you do,
ten people will be laughing
 lil_leprechaun
Joined: 7/27/2008
Msg: 715
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 11/12/2008 6:40:21 PM
thats who we needed in the white house !! yee haaaaaaa
 mascot1
Joined: 5/3/2008
Msg: 719
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 1/27/2009 6:06:58 PM
How many emos does it take to change a lightbulb?


None. They would rather sit in the dark and cry.
 Kaos86
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 721
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 1/30/2009 10:27:30 AM
LIAR CLOCK

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Obama's clock?" asked the man. "Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
 REDDRAGON.
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 722
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 1/30/2009 11:09:49 PM
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still busy cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the @ss and having the balls to say: "You’re next fat @ss!”
 Kaos86
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 724
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 2/1/2009 9:06:08 AM

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome
since both ultimately result in death


Now Thats Funny!

 shawnscmc
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 726
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History
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 2/5/2009 1:14:24 PM
Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was
still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house,
she was very nervous.

Her mother reassured her;

'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care
of you.

Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'

So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and
exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says,
'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'

'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests..
Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again.. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off
his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her
mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy l egs!'

'Don't20worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man Go
upstairs and he'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and
on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she
ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!'

Her Mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.'
 curvytomboy
Joined: 6/2/2006
Msg: 727
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History
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 2/5/2009 8:11:00 PM
FROZEN SKUNK
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'
He says, 'O. K., Get in the car with it.'
'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'
He says, 'Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.
'But what about the smell?'
'Just hold its little nose.'
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
 nonsensical
Joined: 8/20/2006
Msg: 732
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 2/7/2009 2:25:34 PM
Betty was supposed to go out with Joe on Friday night.
On Friday aftenoon Joe called and said he didn't think it was a good idea, because he just wanted to be friends
Betty hung up on him and called him back.
He said Hello?
Betty said, Hey friend, it's me.
Want to hear what this jerk just did to me?
 magikkal
Joined: 11/17/2007
Msg: 735
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History
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 2/7/2009 8:55:51 PM
the best!!!!hahahahahaahahaaha
 jelydonut
Joined: 7/27/2006
Msg: 743
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 2/13/2009 10:49:06 AM
Why do women close their eyes during sex?




Because they hate to see you enjoying yourself..

BADUMCHING!
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