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Joined: 8/6/2006
Msg: 744
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Joke of the day !!Page 7 of 36    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36)
Single vs Engaged vs Married:

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'"
Joined: 12/21/2008
Msg: 745
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 2/13/2009 7:33:46 PM
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied 'It's not talcum powder ... it's 'Miracle Grow'
Joined: 12/21/2008
Msg: 746
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 2/13/2009 7:37:32 PM
A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy
carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy,
"Where did you get that turkey?" The boy replied, "What turkey?"

The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm.

The boy look down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted
under my arm!"

The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so
what ever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break
his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break
your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna
do with him?"

The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!!
Joined: 12/21/2008
Msg: 747
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 2/13/2009 7:39:46 PM


Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........

Well, Shit Happens!!!
Joined: 5/31/2008
Msg: 748
"IT" happens.
Posted: 2/13/2009 8:36:08 PM
RE: Sr.Laughalot: I've always wondered:

Why, when someone dumps a load in the toilet and flushes it, it's called "taking" a sh!t? You obviously don't want it or you wouldn't flush and leave. And conversely: Why, when you care, is it called "giving" a sh!t? Are there people who ask for sh!t? Or want sh!t? Who are these people? I can give them plenty of sh!t if they really want it...

Oh yeah, is there a "Jr." Laughalot? Inquiring minds want to know...

Joined: 12/21/2008
Msg: 749
IT happens.
Posted: 2/14/2009 5:41:25 PM
Y's you asking?
Joined: 5/31/2008
Msg: 750
The Spanish Inquisition.
Posted: 2/14/2009 6:23:07 PM
Why am I asking? I asked about all that sh!t because you seem to really know your sh!t. Perhaps you could say that I give a sh!t, or simply that I'm curious.

And if you are Senior (Sr.), one assumes that it is caused by a Junior, or you are the cause of him. *wink* Get it? A play on your play on words. Well, maybe you had to be there... Wait, if there is a Jr. you were there!

Joined: 12/21/2008
Msg: 751
The Spanish Inquisition.
Posted: 2/14/2009 7:21:28 PM
What I mean is Sir Laughtalot Sorry forgot the "i" lol
Joined: 5/31/2008
Msg: 755
Spansh Inquisition.
Posted: 2/14/2009 9:40:19 PM

Why, when someone dumps a load in the toilet and flushes it, it's called "taking" a sh!t? You obviously don't want it or you wouldn't flush and leave. And conversely: Why, when you care, is it called "giving" a sh!t? Are there people who ask for sh!t? Or want sh!t? Who are these people? I can give them plenty of sh!t if they really want it...

The first post remains as a question, while the second was humorous/facetious, as the poster lists "no children". I'd still like to know what Sr.Laughalot replies to the first question.

Joined: 12/21/2008
Msg: 756
Spansh Inquisition.
Posted: 2/15/2009 5:07:33 AM
Well I dont really know what u'r implying But this guy has no kids. Sir.To me meant like night in shining armour( kinda lol)
As far as people wanting and giving shit well That is the question... I wouldent know....
Joined: 12/21/2008
Msg: 757
But anyway I got another joke for today....
Posted: 2/15/2009 5:12:55 AM
A white guy and a black guy are standing at urinals lettin' it go.... The white guy happens to glance over at the black guys peker and notices he got a tattoo...He says to the black guy Hey you got the same tattoo I got you ol' lady's name is Welma too!...
The black guy replies "no man" he grabs the foreskin and gives it a stretch... Mine says "Welcome to Jamaica" .......
Joined: 12/21/2008
Msg: 758
But anyway I got another joke for today....
Posted: 2/15/2009 7:50:02 PM
The Wongs

Su Wong marries Lee Wong.
The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents.
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...

Are you ready for this?

Sum Ting Wong

You know you laughed and are going to send this on!!!
Joined: 5/3/2008
Msg: 760
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 3/10/2009 5:18:02 PM
An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Joined: 5/3/2008
Msg: 761
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 3/10/2009 5:21:13 PM
Working people frequently ask us retired people what we do to make our days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a 'Dumb A**'. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So Jeanne called him a 'S*** Head'. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Then, our bus arrived.
Joined: 5/3/2008
Msg: 762
IT happens.
Posted: 3/10/2009 5:24:00 PM
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
Joined: 5/3/2008
Msg: 763
IT happens.
Posted: 3/10/2009 5:48:53 PM
Late one night at the insane asylum, one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"

Another patient asked, "How do you know?"

The first inmate said, "Because God told me!"

Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"
Joined: 5/3/2008
Msg: 764
IT happens.
Posted: 3/10/2009 6:05:09 PM

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:

"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say:

"You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.
Joined: 5/3/2008
Msg: 765
But anyway I got another joke for today....
Posted: 3/10/2009 6:48:27 PM
To match Sir Laughalots joke: A white guy and a black guy are out on a bridge late one evening fishing. Both had to pee at the same time. The white guy flips it out and it falls to hit the surface of the water. "Gee, the water is pretty warm" The black guy says "ya, its deep too"
Joined: 5/3/2008
Msg: 766
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 3/10/2009 7:20:34 PM
ONE of my all time favorite jokes, which is very likely scattered somewhere in this mess also:
A man says to his wife "I bet you cant say something that will make me happy and sad at the same time"
She thinks for a couple of seconds and says "your c*ck is bigger than your brothers"
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 770
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 3/11/2009 8:05:06 AM
The World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!'

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles
and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and
drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up and
farted whenever he wanted.

Joined: 5/3/2008
Msg: 773
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 4/11/2009 5:00:48 PM
From Drew Carey:(not as he said it)

When its raining I like to purposely get cops to get out of their cars. I would run a red light the cop will get out and ask "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
I say "Do you know why I ran the light?"
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 774
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 4/13/2009 2:06:00 PM

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits
Mexico .
Two million Mexicans die and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start and is asking for help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.
The European community (except France ) is sending food and money.
The United States , not to be outdone, is sending two million Mexicans to replace the dead ones.

God bless America
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