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Joined: 11/25/2007
Msg: 775
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Joke of the day !!Page 8 of 36    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36)
LOL, awesome......
 *Migani N Maneda*
Joined: 1/24/2009
Msg: 776
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 4/24/2009 12:36:18 AM
i love your add, keep it up!
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 781
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 5/5/2009 7:35:14 AM

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes .

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least two.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
Joined: 12/8/2007
Msg: 782
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 5/5/2009 9:26:05 AM
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband
is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, he sees them
and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the
little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy: 'I have a baseball.'

Man: 'That's nice'

Boy: 'Want to buy it?'

Man: 'No, thanks.'

Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'

Man: 'OK, how much?'

Boy: '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and
the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: 'Dark in here.'

Man: 'Yes, it is.'

Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'

The lover, remembering the last time,
asks the boy, How much?'

Boy: '$750'

Man: 'Sold.'

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your
glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'

The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'

Boy: '$1,000'

The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm
taking you to church, to confession.'

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit
in the confessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again;
you're in my closet now.'
Joined: 2/8/2007
Msg: 785
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Joke of the day !!
Posted: 5/9/2009 12:54:35 AM
You know you’re from Tennessee if:

-You've never met any celebrities....other than Fred Thompson.
-"Vacation" means going to the family reunion.
-You know all 4 seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer and Christmas.
-You laugh when people from anywhere north of TN tries to say or spell "y'all".
-It's "Mar-vull" not "Mary-ville" It's "Knox-vull" not "Knox-ville".
-A tabogan is a hat, not a sled.
-You butter your hot biscuit by cutting it open, putting a slab of butter inside and closing it back up again.
-Every town in East Tennesse has a "strip" and they're not particularly safe to be in at night.
-Pigeon Forge is not pronounced with a French accent.
-Gatlinburg does have an "L" in it and it should be pronounced.
-You shop at Walmart for groceries, not at a grocery store.
-You don't drive in Knoxville on game-day. EVER.
-You have a "piss on" sticker on your car window.
-You know when Elvis Presley Day is.
-You measure distance in minutes.
-You’ve ever had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.
-You use “fix” as a verb. Example: “I’m fixing to go to the store
-All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
-You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
-You know what a “VOL” is.
-You carry jumper cables in your car…for your OWN car.
-You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday
-You find 100 degrees fahrenheit “a little warm”.
-You know whether another Tennessean is from east, west or middle Tennessee as soon as they open their mouth.
- Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as”goin’ Wal-martin” or off to “Wally World”.
- You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good pinto-bean weather.
- A carbonated soft drink isn’t a soda, cola or pop…it’s a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: “What kinda coke you want?”
- Fried catfish is the other white meat.
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 786
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 5/14/2009 6:46:45 AM

Revenue Canada decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure Revenue Canada finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!!
Joined: 1/4/2008
Msg: 787
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 5/14/2009 2:17:12 PM
Oh my goodness, way to go Grandpa.
Joined: 10/3/2008
Msg: 788
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/1/2009 7:10:09 PM
It's a mega-saur-ass.
Joined: 2/8/2007
Msg: 789
view profile
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/8/2009 9:33:33 AM
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks." The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler," replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender. "Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said. The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said. So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender."That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said. The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 790
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/8/2009 9:46:59 AM
The Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped in the desert for the night. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?'
The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, 'Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole tent.'
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 796
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/12/2009 8:05:12 AM
The Indians finally captured the lone ranger.

Chief says" lone Ranger you have been such a good adversary I' m going give you three wishes before I kill you.
Lone Ranger asks to speak to his horse silver for his first wish.
Chief thinks and say’s well OK.
Lone Ranger whispers in silvers ear and the horse runs off.
A few hours’ later Silver returns with a hot naked blond. Lone Ranger takes her in his tent and has his way.
The next day Chief calls Lone Ranger. I' m very impressed with your horse he says, but you only have two more wishes and then I'm going to kill you.
Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse silver, he whispers in silvers ear and the horse runs off.
A few hours’ later Silver returns with a hot naked brunette. Lone Ranger takes her in his tent and they really make a night of it.
The next day Chief calls Lone Ranger. I really am very impressed with your horse, but you only have one more wish and I'm going to kill you.
Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse silver.
Now lone Ranger is visibly upset with steam about to come from his nose, whispers angrily in silvers ear, listen you dumb a$$

I said bring posse, bring posse!
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 797
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/18/2009 2:19:25 PM
The Fence

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at 24 Sussex:
One from Alberta, another from Newfoundland and the third, Quebec.
They go with a government official to examine the fence.

The Albertan contractor takes out a tape measure, does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900,... $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

The Newfie contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700,:.. $300 for materials,
$300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

The Quebec contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the official and whispers, "$2,700."
The government official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a
high figure?"

The Quebec contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the Newfie to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 800
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/20/2009 9:55:01 AM

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained.

'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

' What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered,

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'
Joined: 5/19/2008
Msg: 802
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/23/2009 3:48:21 PM
Subject: THE GOLFING NUN.......

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -5 40 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight!' 'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!' 'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother. 'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

'You missed the f _ _ _ 'n putt, didn't you?'
Joined: 5/15/2009
Msg: 805
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/24/2009 8:40:14 AM
that is the funniest joke i've heard in a long time, i have a huge friend of mine that has some phobia of midgets and i immediately thought of him when i read it. when i told it to him he got tickled and i started laughing, which made him laugh more and it escaladed for at least five minutes... i cried and my face is sore from laughing so much.. stomach thanks alot, i needed it!
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 814
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 7/26/2009 7:33:02 PM
how many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

one but the lightbulb has to really want to change first.
Joined: 10/26/2005
Msg: 817
view profile
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 7/27/2009 12:30:12 PM
An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, “You’re in charge of sweeping,” to the Irishman, “You’re in charge of shoveling, and to the Chinese guy, “And you’re in charge of supplies. “Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile.”

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, “Why didn’t you sweep any of it?” The Italian replies, “I didn’t have a broom. You said the Chinese guy was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and I couldn’t find him.”

So then the foreman turn to the Irishman and asks why he didn’t shovel. The Irishman replies, “I couldn’t get myself a shovel. You left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I couldn’t find him.”

The foreman is really ticked off now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from a closet and yells: “SUPPLIES!”

(On a side note, like many jokes this joke has several versions floating around. Most commonly the difference is what the workers are doing, i.e. setting up a brick wall, pile of sand, digging a hole, etc. And of course, the ethnicities of the workers changes at random, but the rule of thumb is that the first two workers are European, and the third worker is either Japanese or Chinese. Lastly, where the third worker jumps out from changes frequently.)
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 818
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 7/27/2009 1:25:13 PM
A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he’s sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, “How will I recognize him?” “That’s easy, he’s a midget with a speech impediment.”

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he’s looking for a male or female horse. “A female horth.” So he shows him a prized filly. “Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth”?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse’s eyes the once over. “Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth”?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse’s ears.
“Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf”? The rancher is gettin’ pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth.

“Nith mouf, can I thee her twat”?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget’s head as far as he can up the horse’s twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

“Perhapth I should rephrathe that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit”?
Joined: 9/7/2008
Msg: 820
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 7/28/2009 10:46:00 PM
What do Michael Jackson and caviar have in common???

They both cum on little, white crackers.

*I'm sorry...I heard this one and thought it was hilarious. RIP MJ!
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 7/29/2009 7:33:14 AM
lol thats agood one . . ive got one . . two armish women are out in the field harvesting potatoes , one armish woman picks up two potatoes and says to the other armish woman ," these remind me of my husbands testicles." she replies "why , because they are so round and plump?" "no because they are filthy!"
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 823
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 7/30/2009 6:54:36 AM
Went to my first Radical Muslim birthday party last week.

The musical chairs was a bit slow but pass the parcel was quick!!!

Joined: 5/17/2008
Msg: 827
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 8/1/2009 8:44:35 AM
I work in a nursing home. The staff will LOVE this!
Thank you!!!
 e- mermaid
Joined: 6/25/2009
Msg: 837
view profile
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 10/27/2009 12:36:58 PM
Bed sheets

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for
series of tests, the last of which had left his
bodily systems extremely
Upon making several false alarm trips to the
bathroom, he decided
the latest episode was another
and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed
diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of
gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out
the hospital window.

drunk was walking
by the hospital when the
sheets landed on him. He
started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get
the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled
sheets in a tangled
pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet,
staring down at the sheets, a hospital security0D
guard, (barely
containing his (laughter), and who
had watched the whole incident, walked up
and asked,
"What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring
down replied: "I think I
just beat the shit out of a ghost."

H alloween
Joined: 8/22/2009
Msg: 839
view profile
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 10/27/2009 3:47:44 PM
If I was still with a number of women from my past when I die...that would be an old me

Wonderful! Sending it on to my 87 year old mother to tell her friends!
Joined: 3/2/2009
Msg: 840
Joke of the day !!
Posted: 10/27/2009 6:51:47 PM
Have you heard the joke of the no and me neither?


Me neither.....

....Don't you get it?

"No!" neither...

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