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 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 26
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice ColumnPage 2 of 19    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19)
blazered Dang, girl. You sure he ain't on parole or something? Ask what the name of his parole officer is and if he stammers or his face gets red, well....then you know.
He may be one of them nice that can't umm USE their equipment, if ya get my drift. Trust me, no matter how great he is there's some woman somewhere who got tired of him. HAHA Okay, well I'll try to be nice...it's nice he's all entertaining and all, just make sure he's got some bucks he's willing to blow on ya. If he lets you into his wallet, that shows he really cares!
It's just as easy to have an entertaining conversation in a four-star restaurant as it is in a park. You gals gotta make sure you're making a good investment here, now. You are all just gems and if ya let these guys get off cheap, they'll just take ya for granted.
The quickest way to a man's heart is to get your hands on that gold card.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 27
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 9/29/2006 3:48:39 PM
Well I would say he looks like a ding dong kind of man, but that would just be WRONG!!
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 28
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 9/29/2006 3:52:01 PM
Figured you'd pick up on that one. Yeah they can ring the chimes without using their hands!! HAHA
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 29
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 9/29/2006 3:58:05 PM
What's a hoho, is that twin hookers??
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 30
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 9/29/2006 4:28:27 PM
Guess he really WAS trying to push the sausage, huh??
Aw, girl don't waste your time with neither of 'em. Find you a NEW guy who can give you what you want. Money and the time alone to enjoy it!
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 31
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 9/29/2006 4:32:37 PM
Or the guy who raisess roosters. Bet he's got a big.............. umm personality!!
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 32
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 9/30/2006 6:52:45 PM
gabby You got a male friend who's posting a pic of him squeezing his nipple? And you're telling your mama that? Good Lord, sweetie, well I know you're smart so I'll just assume he thinks it's funny. Set the poor boy straight, if he has so much fun playing with his own nipples, what's he want with a woman? 'Cause that's the mesage he's sending out. Lucky guy, he needs a friend like you to set him straight. Tell him your mama said so!!
 peter-256
Joined: 9/19/2006
Msg: 33
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/1/2006 2:29:17 AM
Dear Beetroot Buttflakes,

I have this lovely 20 year old barmaid flirting with me. How do I get past her 6'2" boyfriend, the town gossips and, more importantly, her parents?

Please, please help me !!!!
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 34
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/1/2006 5:34:04 AM
Peter That's sweet that you got a cute little bartender flirting with you. That's their job, they flirt with every Tom,****and Peter that comes into the place. That's how they make their money. Plus, unless you done lost your last marble you ain't getting past no 6'2" boyfriend. Unless you got a big gun or can run real fast.
If some woman's flirting with you that ain't in the hospitality industry, then she might actually like you.
Sorry to break the news, sugarcakes, but that's just how it is.

littleredtruck Well if that don't beat all!! I think I heard everything now. Honey child, you are just TOO good a friend. Tell this man to stay out your drawers, change the locks on your house or get a locking bedroom door. Or you could always threaten to tell everyone in the whole daggone town about his little secret. Yeah, think that may work the best. That oughta keep the panty snatcher outta your drawers.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 35
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/1/2006 10:01:10 AM
littleredtruck Well thanks, babycakes, tell you what. A radio show, hmm well bless my soul, you get me the gig, and I'll make you my agent.
Whoa wait a minute here, when he's not in your bedroom. Gotta clean my specs again...hmm. Is this friend a special friend. Maybe I was wrong about which set of drawers he was getting his mitts into. Whewie, well either way, they're your drawers and he can only get into them if you let him. If he's a persistent little bugger, (aren't most of them) well you can introduce him to your bodyguards, Smith and Wesson. Or just grab a baseball batt and smack your hand on it. Dumb as some fellers pretend to be, they're smart enough to know they don't want their head flying sailing over the fence.
Let me know about that radio gig, ya hear.
 peter-256
Joined: 9/19/2006
Msg: 36
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/2/2006 2:54:14 AM
Dear Beatrice, I have a problem that I suspect even your planet-sized brain can't solve. In fact no man has had this problem for hundreds of years.

I met a mermaid on here. She is beautiful, intelligent, charming and she has invited me over to her lake.

But here is the problem. She is a mermaid - half fish - no legs ! so, what if we "really" get on, how do we, you know, do "it" ?

I have watched several TV programs about fish mating rituals, and to be honest, it doesn't seem like much fun to me - especial as most of the male fish died soon after !

Please, please help me
 Ticketoride
Joined: 6/3/2004
Msg: 37
Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/2/2006 3:12:33 AM

It's been 3 years since i had sex...should i keep holding out for my soulmate or go to the local bar and pick up the town sleaze and be done with it?

I think one leads to the other, but I'd be inclined to suggest to start at the Bar first ...

 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 38
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/2/2006 2:52:09 PM
Well bless my bloomers, blazered you got it bad hon. Now just splash some cold water on your face and calm yourself now, hear? Do I believe in love at first sight? Only if it's a gold card, sweetie.... Hell fire, girl, just 'cause a guy's all pretty and all don't mean squat. Oh sure, he's nice to look at, but what's he gonna do for ya? Well guess if he makes your shorts damp, that's a good thing..hehe. Just remember, if he can't afford ya, well someone else can.
Yeah, well I'd definitely go with the glasses pulled down and a hat and wig at least. If he shows up and looks like a horse's hind end, you can always start babblling in some foreign language when he walks up to you and run away. Just act wierd, noone wants to make no scenes at the airport, you know.
And tell him if he don't take care of you, that you've got an Aunt Bea who's meaner than a three legged billgoat.

Planet sized brain, Peter now that sweet talkin only works with them young chicks, this ole broad ain't falling for no schmooze now.
What in tarnation you drinking there? A mermaid? Yeah, right and my support hose don't have no elastic either. C'mon hon, I may be old but ain't senile. Yet.
All I can say is her mouth works, don't it? She got hands, don't she?
If I gotta draw ya a map, I suggest you set down the bottle and sober up a bit.
Mermaid..oh Lordy, I done heard it all now.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 40
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/4/2006 2:55:00 PM
Ain't seen a man?? Oh as in dating, I get it now. It's recycled virgin, I believe is the term. I never heard of the cake thing kinda kinky though, like my elastic stockings when they come outta the washer...kinky.
I'd quit eating all that cake, though. I'm gonna have nightmares, I swear a cake shaped like a ......! Good Lordie sakes, hmm you gotta set a trap for a man. Back them in the corner and don't let 'em out. May have to get a little more agressive, trot your cute little self out and just start winking at the guys. May even have to go up and talk to one. Well, heck it is modern times so you gotta be a modern woman. Show them you got what it takes and you ain't scared of no man.
That oughta work just fine. I'd stop short of stapling my phone number to the telephone poles, ole Wanda Willdangler tried that in high school and her parents nearly had to move. I digress, just put a little move on and let them do the rest.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 41
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/4/2006 3:47:37 PM
Look in the mirror sweetcakes!! That's your trap.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 42
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/7/2006 5:23:13 AM
sasquatch Gulp!! Hmm...well, big guy, I think this may be beyond my realm of expertise, ain't had noone where I grew up that had that umm well situation. Not that some of them guys didn't act like they grew up in the woods.
I'll give it my best crack or shot. Shaving and waxing, all that hair removing stuff, well it just ain't fun. Us girls know that, we gotta shave legs and well all sorts of stuff. It's just something you gotta do. Now there is them fancy laser things that remove hair permanently or so they say. I ain't tried that waxing stuff, I seen it on TV and wooha, that's gotta hurt like the****ns. I'll just stick with the razor, but I digress....
Well seeing as you've got a rather large area to ummm well have taken care of maybe one of them laser people'd give you a volume discount. Don't never hurt to ask. Make a heck of an advertisement, they could do them before and after pictures, ya know?
As far as the bald strip running down your chest...I'm stumped, I guess just don't take your shirt off. I got a feeling a big feller like you ain't got much problem with people making fun of ya and all.
Let me know if that laser thing works out. If not, you gonna have to lay in on them shaving supplies.

 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 43
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/7/2006 8:39:35 AM
trophy Seems like you got it all figured out. All you gotta watch is your housecleaning budget, may need to do a paper route or some other lucrative enterprise for some extra spending money.
May want to even consider a regular maid service, the kind with their tops on, that way you may actually get your place clean. If that's what you're really wanting here, Bea ain't no mind reader.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 44
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/7/2006 2:05:05 PM
Yeah, out of the paper route business, can't figure out how to carry around my walker on a bike. But I got a new enterprise, I'm stuffing envelopes, got boxes all over and am so excited. Can't wait to get my big fat check!!
I'm too wobbly on my feet, knees finally gave in from the roller derby days. I get my kids to come help me clean my own house, I just point with my cane and tell them what to do.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 45
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/7/2006 2:10:23 PM
Well thankfully still able to take care of my personal hygiene. Well my kids are thankful for that, too.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 46
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/7/2006 6:40:31 PM
Well what a surprise to hear from you again, Sasquatch! So glad you wrote back. I didn't realize just who you were, was raised in a one horse backwoods town. We never studied urban legends before, imagine a famous one come to me for advice. Ohhh I'm just so nervous never had a famous person write lil ole me before. All this excitement is making my joints fire up with pain, can't handle the endorphin rush anymore since I had to retire from my roller derby career. But I digress...
Well hon, shaving is removing hair with a sharp ummm edge. Gotta be real careful like, it can knick the skin and cause you to bleed like a stuck pig (whatever that means!!). Anyway, the sharp thing they call a razor. Now a laser....(don't feel bad, had to google this myself) well apparently it's some light beam that burns things. Don't worry, won't light you on fire anything, they do surgery all sorts of things with it. I know couldn't believe my own tired eyes.
Sooo just have to ask, what's it like being famous and all? Well if you want to say, that is and I'd be tickled pinker than pigs' feet if I could have your autograph sometime. And goodness knows I heardt this is how Oprah and Heraldo and all them talk show people got started. Had famous people on their show and all. Now this is just a lil ole column, got someone working on a radio gig ( I'm a hopin). But this could be a career move for me. Well just knowing you and all. Sorry to be ambitious, but stuffing all them envelopes just has my old knuckles plum worned out. Ohh just the thought nearly gets me so excited I'm nearly overdosing on geritol. Yup, no kiddin, went to the Super Walmart and bought out the whole shelf!!
Well enough about me, (just keep the famous talk show thing in mind) and I hope this helps.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 47
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/9/2006 3:08:56 PM
sasquatch "Assuming a 'radio' is one of those noisy talking boxes you humans sometimes bring into the woods, shattering the peace and tranquility within, I'm sorry, I want nothing to do with any 'talk show'. Well dang it all, sure enough, just when I get a crack at someone famous, they don't wanna cooperate. Oh well, guess I'll have to find another celebrity. Anyone know any? Any help would be muchly aprpeciated.
Sorry there, sasquatch, just got a little carried away with my own career ambitions. *sigh* Okay, what the question now? Oh yeah, hmm well there ain't no fun way to take hair off. Just ain't! Don't know about that moth thing, but hey whatever works. Seeing as you probably got more than most, I'd talk to them laser people. May be able to work something out where they give you a bulk discount or somethin.
Well writer explained the toy car thingie, so guess until you decide what you want to do bout that hair, you'll just have to put up with that strip until it starts growing back. Think of it as a clearing in the middle of a forest, I reckon. Or maybe a landing strip in the jungle. Oh, Lawdie, sometimes I just roll my own elastic sox up and down..wohee!!
I sure ain't no expert on the hair removin thing, I'm just thankful I didn't get the female genes thing whatever it's called where I'd have to shave a beard and mustache like poor Aunt Fern. Us younguns almost got skin rash from her giving us a kiss on the cheek at the family picnics. Seems she had permanent razor stubble, I swear her chin could've taken paint off a car!! Well here I go sharing my family memories.
Maybe you got some forest friends that'd help you with some shaving or something. Maybe you all could like take turns or something. I swear this one's got me in a pickle trying to figger it out.
Well done gave it my best shot, there sasquatch. If you figger out something, please do come and let us know, will ya?
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 48
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/9/2006 7:13:01 PM
Mr. Sasqutach well ain't one of you not so shy? If so, send them here, I could use the promotion.
Oh and Nair is foamy junk you spray on yourself and makes the hair go away. Never used it myself, though.
So you got an Uncle Sasquatch, Brother Sasquatch, Mother, Cousin??
Sorry, just trying to further my dubious career.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 49
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/10/2006 3:28:09 PM
Well Mr. Sasquatch if you'ses got the amount of hair I'm athinkin you may just do best to go out in the back yard and hose yourself off. At least when you're done you can rake it up. Save ya cloggin up the drain anyways.
You got a horny cousin? No thanks, don't think I could handle anything near your size. Whewee, we gals got 'nuff problems with the leacherous old coots at the bingo hall. Even with their bad knees and all, seems they thing bingo means jump the women. No kiddin, we all carry mace, I tell ya, it's that bad. And I always got my trusty cane.
Well, red, you pretty lil thang you!! You ain't got to cook. But if you insist, just try to make a cake and leave out the sugar and baking powder. You'll have a flat little concrete block you could use for a doorstop or somethin. You can always whip up dinner and get some stank bait from the tackle shop. Ain't used it myself, but heardt from ole Jeff Foxworthy that it's pretty potent. Probably just use a little bit and like to run the poor guy plum out the house!! That'll fix 'em. Then just relax and let them cook for ya. And don't let them get dessert, either. Save yourself for the one with the biggest wallet, us girls gots to take care of ourselves, now ya hear. Unless you want to join me when you get to be my age stuffin envelopes in my latest business venture. Now I know it sounds glamorous and all, but trust me ain't what it's cracked up to be.
I think bucs done got herself a rug rake in case they can't get enough cases of Nair. Sounds like a plan to me.
Well if that's all, think I'll make myself a geritol****ail and take me a nap. *yawn* All this thinkin and typin got me plumb wored out.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 50
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/11/2006 3:25:58 PM
Well Sasquatch, this shore is some situation you've got yourself into. I may have contributed, when I suggested hosing off outside, I meant to keep your shorts on. Good golly, man I can only imagine (well trying NOT to) what this woman's peepers may have taken in. Must've been SOMETHING, you shore got her all fired up.
I have to admit that your problems in trying to fit in with humans are a bit beyond my ummm area of expertise. Now if you had a youngun who came home dressed like either an army ranger or a hooker, well Aunt Bea'd know what to say.
I guess all I knows to say is don't answer the door and stay inside as much as ya can.
You got you a horned up woman next door, Lord knows what she may do. And don't open the curtains either.
Wish I coulda helped ya out more, maybe you need to call an expert.
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