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 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 51
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice ColumnPage 3 of 19    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19)
Writer, well hon I didn't even know what a sasquatch was, just thought it was an odd name.
Til someone clued me in, good grief!! And they's even famous and all. I knowed I live in a backwards area, but hoohaa the things that make you go DUH.
This is really somethin I ain't prepared to deal with, maybe some of you all educated people can give this feller a pointer or two. I'm plumb out of idears at this point.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 52
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/11/2006 5:11:04 PM
Well ain't this a moment...I'm actually rememberin something, doesn't happen too often. Too many headbutts from the roller derby days, my brain's usually like Swiss Cheese....holey!
Oh what was I...oh yeah, I think you were the one that mentioned Nair. Don't feel bad, babycakes it was just an idear.
I never thought about trying it and at my age?? Well bless my elastic socks, the idear of putting anythin on my dried up wrinkly skin that could burn the hair off. Not a tantalisizing thought!!
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 53
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/11/2006 6:47:53 PM
Well I don't even know if I can talk to you and you'll understand. Shorts, boxers, whatever are the clothes that you wear to...um...well, just be patient, this may not come out right...it's what you wear to keep from being nekkid.
Whew...glad that's over...and curtains are the cloth hanging over a window so people can't see out and if they're closed noone can see in.
GOODNESS....this is wearing me out....I'm trying to get the childproof lid off my new bottle of Geritol....since when do they think a kid's gonna buy this and drink it!
Welll this old broad is tapped, got my flannel nightgown laid out on the bed, and my bottles of what I got to take lined up on the kitchen counter.
Geritol, Fiberall (I am NOT eating ALLbran, if I can help it) Vitamins A, B, C, D, E, F and G...and the joint supplements, yes for the roller derby injuries. and well other things. And I don't give a yeehoo about nothing umm...well sex oriented. Yes, I read and the female viagra??? Gotta laugh, not for me, sugarcakes, geez, I get lightheaded just bending over to take my elastic socks off. Enough of a head rush for this ole broad.
 windowshopping04
Joined: 3/10/2006
Msg: 54
Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/12/2006 3:32:47 PM
Dear Miz Buttcakes,

I know you're busy tryin' to hep out Mr. Sasquatch an' all, but I gots me a problem...

Seems that despite keepin' my profile hid and bein' real quiet and such here in the forums, some nocturnal animal done found me over here to Texas all the way from Florida... an' now he's bound and determined to make me his'n. He's spent hours and hours a'talkin' at me on the squawk box and he even sent movin' pictures of hisself over the 'puter while he talked at me... He actually wants to climb on a flyin' machine and come see me here an' spend money on me an' take me places and woo me proper-like...

So, Miz B, what do you think I should tell this critter?? Bein' as its long distance an' all???


By they way, Mr. Sasquatch, I hear it's getting darn cold up there - looks like you might need to find you a big fur coat. If'n you had the fur coat, you wouldn't need no underwear, cause no gals wouldn't be able to see under that coat (less'n maybe you got excited 'bout somethin' - then I think that tent-pole thing that Miz B was talkin' about earlier might apply... fact in your case, it might'n just be the circus bigtop effect...) Good luck Mr. Sasquatch and sorry 'bout your pelt...
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 55
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/12/2006 3:55:08 PM
window Long distance, huh? Yeah, I read about them relationships alrighty. I can tell you it won't be as easy as meeting up with him at the Dairy Queen. Sounds like this guy likes to talk a lot, not that that's a bad thing and all. And I'm supposin he's sending you nice pictures not that nasty stuff..ew Lawdy girl, Miss B would get real upset if you was lookin at that stuff.
You in Texas, huh? Well Florida ain't all that far, what with airplanes and all. Tell him to get hisself a ticket and come on down. You're gonna have to check him out real good, he's gotta be extra special now. Okay just won't cut it, no no not with a feller who lives a long ways from ya. Let him take you out all proper like and see if he knows how to behave in them high faluttin snobby places. Knows which fork to use and all that fancy stuff. If he does, then likely he's used to living like a king and woohee, you'd make quite the sweet queen for his castle. Just don't get your skirt all blown up, try to be reserved and not get all bowled over. Let him lay it on ya good, the taking out bit. Make him work for it, honeycakes, if a man ain't workin for somethin he ain't 'specting to get much, I'll tell you that.
Think Mr. Sasquatch done washed his fur coat off with the hose...hehe! Pitchin a tent, good golly almost spit sweet tea all over my blouse!!
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 56
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/12/2006 4:08:31 PM
(best radio voice) Well, butter my grits, welcome y'all to the kick off broadcast of the new radio show. Bea and Red's really really bad advice talk show. My name is Beatrice, but you can call me Bea, Miss Bea, Aunt Bea or crazy ole dame, whatever works. Don't be saying nothin dirty, now. We all decent people here, save that trash talk for Howard Stern. Let me intoduce my partner Red. She's the cutest lil thing and got more spit and fire than a wild horse. So call in and tell us your problems and we'll tell you what not to do, or how to really screw up your life even more. The phones are awaitin....
aw buggers, red, the elastic in my socks just gave out. You take the first caller, I'll catch up with y'all in a few....
 windowshopping04
Joined: 3/10/2006
Msg: 57
Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/12/2006 4:17:34 PM
Dear Miz B,

Thankee kindly for tha advice, but it didn't seem really, really bad to me - maybe cuz I'm out o' practice...

That nocturnal critter has only showed me his bare feet twice - enuf to make me blush! But they was nice feet. An' clean! 'course he ask'd me to put one of them picture makin' contraptions on my 'puter, too... an' he got all hot an' sweaty when he saw me atalkin' to him... almost started pantin' - weren't like i was wearin' nuthin' special - just some ol' rag... 't'ain't like he could even smell my cookin' or nuthin'... can't imagine what got him so het up and bothered... Maybe he got that ague fever - I hear that's bad over there to Florida... you think it's safe to let him come all this way?? What with that fever and all?

Sure hope Mr. Sasquatch can find a big enough coat to keep him warm and dry, what with winter comin' on an' all -- or maybe some she-beast'll find him and keep his poor denuded body warm through the long winter nights -- one can only hope and pray...
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 58
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/12/2006 4:23:24 PM
window Aw crap, I screwed up, that was supposed to be really really bad advice. Don't got lost in my own head, now there's a scary thought for ya!
Listen tell ole purty feet that since he's out of town and all you gotta have some more information. Like bank statements, tax returns, you need to go over his finances and see if he can afford to take dang good care of you. That'll curl his toes!!
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 59
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/12/2006 6:59:47 PM
Well, my beauty, haven't got the slightest idear. Didn't know tonka toys made forklifts. That is one of the dumber thangs I heard of. Reminds me of the time ole Willy Bushpuker wanted to romance lil Sally Millbanks and stood outside under her window, trying to throw rocks, boy couldn't have hit a barn with a car, well he tries singing real loud and all. Seems the dog came, chased him around the yard til he fell down and broked his arm. Found out he was at the wrong house. Good thing he didn't do that at Sally's we all know her pa liked to tip the bottle and was a poor shot. Yeah, ole Willy wasn't never too bright.
Hmm...there was a point to that story, seems my train of thought derailed. I wonder if that bottle of Geritol is past it's expiration date.
writer Naw, it's the radio microphone alright. We are working with some old equipment. Got a good deal on this stuff at the flea market. Oh that reminds me (radio voice) This show, Bea and Red's Bad Advice Talk Show is sponsored by Vern Puklikin's fruit stand. Come by and squeeze his melons sometime, ya hear.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 60
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/13/2006 3:00:59 PM
Now if we could just get Geritol and the elastic sock people as sponsor's I'd have it made. Wouldn't have to be trucking down to WalMart every week. Vern's a nice feller and all, but I can only eat so many bananas. I eat many more, I'll get a hankering to start swinging from the trees. Hehe, now wouldn't that be a sight?
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 61
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/13/2006 4:16:54 PM
Speech lessons?? You kiddin man, why is there somethin wrong with the way I talk? Now don't get me wrong, I can talk all flowery and fancy like I just save that for the right feller. I just like talkin plain and simple so folks understand me, 'stead of using all them long winded $60 words that noone gets. I got me a dictionary, and a thesaurus, they're holding up the end of my couch where the legs got broked.
Now you probably one of them California slick talkers, ain't ya? Bet them fancy words come a slidin outta your mouth like melted butter off a corn cob. Well some of us just plain ole hillbilly folks that like it simple.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 62
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/13/2006 4:23:30 PM
Really?? Maybe you have nice ears..........OHHHH SUCH a bad pun!! Sorry, couldn't resist.

Well, geez, it's not like I can remember what I had for lunch or where the TV guide is. Wait til you get to be my age, and see if your memory ain't like swiss cheese.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 63
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/13/2006 4:36:25 PM
It ain't the age, it's the mileage...wish I'd have knowed that Roller Derby isn't a long time career. Rough on the bod, the head, the knees....whew!! It's good that I can tell when it's gonna rain though.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 64
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/13/2006 4:46:40 PM
You are a slick tongued devil, ain't ya? I'm either blushing or it's time to take my blood pressure medicine. That picture? HAHA that's my high school picture all purtied up with photoshop. Had to pay the kid that mows my lawn to doctor it up, that kid is a whiz at all the technical stuff.
But thanks for the giggle.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 65
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/13/2006 5:02:30 PM
Well fry my chicken, Red!! I done missed that, right in front of eyes. Good catch there, missy. You's purty AND smart!!
Okay, chilluns, here it is Friday night. If y'all ain't going to Dunkersville Drive-In to see Herbie Goes Home or to Miss Dolly's Big Bucket for the all you can eat fried chicken night or to Wankford's for all-night bowling, then c'mon down and sit for a spell. Turn up that radio and grab your phone and dial us up.
Old Buttcheeks and Miss Sassy Red are here to listen to what's happenin and tell you what to do so's you can maybe aspire to make the Springer Show some day.
Tonight's show is sponsored by Wet Wibur's Car Wash and Lumberyard. The place to go for suds and studs.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 66
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/13/2006 7:01:36 PM
Here Red, and here's a beer to wash it down with...hehe.
Where's that Californie slick dude with the silver tongue? Don't tell me he done chickened out on us.
Man, the drive-in must be packed!!
 Fort Garry Dark
Joined: 11/25/2005
Msg: 67
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/13/2006 7:16:52 PM
Well Good evening Bea and Red,

This is my first time here, so please be gentle.

How can I tell when a woman wants to a relationship to another level? We've coffeed and lunched and chatted and e-mailed, even a couple of light kisses. What should my next step be?

Waiting patiently in the cold cold north.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 68
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/13/2006 7:47:39 PM
RED!!! Where are you we got a live one...I mean a new caller!!
(muttering to self....these dang wheels on this walker!!)
Well 'evening there Dark!! And a warm suthern welcome to Bea and Red's Really Bad Advice Talk Show. And don't worry, we're always gentle the first time. (did that sound bad??...oh well). So, you want to know when to tell when a lady wants to take the relationship to the next level?
Or, sorry another level? Well sugarcakes, we live in the south, don't know 'bout you notherners, all our levels here are just one. Yeah, we're just simple folk, this sounds a bit complicated. Next step...light kisses..I'm athinkin...aw, shucks, you're wantin to know when to move in for the big score.
Let me tell ya how it is, forget the moves. Women know all the moves, we know the signals, heck we wrote the book. It ain't up to you, the woman is the one in total control. Sorry to lay it out for ya like that, but that's the way it is. If you wanna move in for more than a peck on the cheek, be prepared. Talk to your accountant or hire one. Time to produce some proof you're worth it or umm...can afford her. Financials are essential at this point.
You could be handsome, studly, and all that, don't mean nothin. Well I mean if you're a handsome one and all, that's nice but we can go out and have some studmuffin at one of them girlie shows rubbin all kinds of stuff, just so we can tuck a buck!! What you men will do for a dollar...amazin!
We women got eye candy, too. So you better be ready to put out $$$ before you expect her to put out.
You're payin for it any way you look at it, so better to know about that. And at least have somethin respectable. Your accountant will fill you in on the details.
edit Hang on red, I'm checkin him out. Civil servant?? What's that ...are you a waiter, waitin on civils??? Well now hang on there a minute..hmm that may not be bad. Just know that a W-2 WILL have to be produced...just to be sure. You ain't necessarily out of the runnin yet.
 Fort Garry Dark
Joined: 11/25/2005
Msg: 69
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/13/2006 9:12:08 PM
Oh Hi Ladies, sorry to disappear, just had to play Dad's taxi for a while, I'm back.

Hmm doin them both, eh. Well I'll have to think about that a bit.

Now Bea, do I really need to have my accountant give some kind of financial testimonial about me? Shouldn't the American Express card put away any doubt?

Hey it looks like Writer can cook too.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 70
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/14/2006 6:06:37 AM
Well, dark I guess for courtin flashin your American Express Card would do. But you was talkin about takin the next step. Taking steps and levels, all that sounds serious, so you need to be prepared for some serious stuff and the money stuff is part of that serious stuff. Like the boy scouts, it's good to be prepared. That's all I'm sayin.
And lookie here, dark you got writer here all twitterpated. I knows this one and she's a dollbaby. Quite the catch for some lucky guy!!
Oh and do be sure to drop by again and let us know how the steps and levels thing is workin out.
 Fort Garry Dark
Joined: 11/25/2005
Msg: 71
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/14/2006 8:36:12 AM
Good morning ladies,

Thanks for the advice, I slept on it and developed a bit of a plan.

Now writer, I'll keep myself shaved (just did actually), but FLA is an awful long way from here, so don't put supper on yet.

Bea, I was raised in Boy Scouts - so I'm always prepared.

Now here's then plan....

I'm going to ask her over for supper tomorrow. My kids will be at their Mum's. I like Writer's menu, but I think, because she's a little spicy, I make her my blacken chicken, with a salad and some kind of starch like rice or even just French bread (do they sell that in the US anymore - j/k). A nice bottle of wine and we'll see where it goes.

Does that sound like it might work?

Still waiting patiently in the north.

Have a good day, eh!
 WATTACATCH
Joined: 5/22/2006
Msg: 72
Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/15/2006 5:27:25 AM
Dear Ms Buttcake's

I have a question…..A good place to pick up chicks that you might never have thought of is the unemployment office. Personally, my benefits ran out years ago, but I still get to stand in line and chat up the ladies for a couple of hours before I get thrown out. And, the babes you meet are generally pretty easy. They’re mostly all down on their luck and feeling vulnerable, they can appreciate an ‘Extra Value Meal’ date, and they all have plenty of time on their hands.

My latest score was a cute blonde, an out-of-work cook. When you’re as virile and handsome as I am most dates end up in the bedroom, this one was no exception. About 45 minutes into the action, just about mid-point in the countdown for my missile of love, she calls for a break and asks me to add her vibrating toy to the festivities.

Strange thing was, she kept it in the fridge – standing there next to the quart of milk. I figure ‘who am I to judge’, so I retrieved the dildo, set it to vibrating, and worked it in & out for a couple dozen strokes before handing it off to her. She applied it to her love button and I went back to what I do best. A rollicking good time ensued, culminating in her near-total collapse in orgas-matic bliss.

We end up lying side-by-side, her making those cooing and purring noises. Then she takes the toy and holds it over the edge of the bed and whistles. A dog comes into the room and licks the vibrator clean, and then she puts the toy on the nightstand. I’m thinking this is all pretty weird. She’s got at least half a pizza in the fridge and never offered me a slice. And, shouldn’t she be storing that thing in Tupperware or something?

So my question is this……..What do you think, friends? Should I forgive her for holding out on the pizza?

W
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 73
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/15/2006 6:44:20 AM
wattacatch Well, that is quite the story you got there. Unemployment office, who woulda thought? As far as holding out on the pizza? Well think you had some fun, so I'd let her off on that one. There just aint' no way of saying that that don't sound like a bad pun.

sasquatch Personally, I LOVE writer's idear:

"If you must talk to her, to apologize, I suggest not going out in curtains or Joe Boxers, but wear women's clothing and a wig. Put on make up, high heels. Hillary Clinton did it, so can you! Then you can apoligize, very sincerely. But she will probably stop bothering you."

Writer I swear, that's just classic.
 Fort Garry Dark
Joined: 11/25/2005
Msg: 74
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/15/2006 9:02:55 PM
Woo hoo lovely ladies,

The plan worked. I've now got a second date coming up tomorrow! Now I get to call her sugar and all.

Anyways I think the wine really helped her get past my cooking a lot. After dinner she wanted to show me a new kind of dance thing. She called it "dirty dancing" Do you all have that kind of thing down there? It sure was a lot of fun.

Now I just took her home. She seems like a combination of sugar and spice. Why Bea, I think I'm feeling a little twitterpatted myself.

Now the restraining order on her being able to communicate here comes off in about 6 minutes I think. So You'all might just hear from her yourselves.

 Fort Garry Dark
Joined: 11/25/2005
Msg: 75
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/15/2006 10:34:00 PM
"Loves cheese nips,"

Now write59r, I'm running into a language barrier here. Up here nips = hamburgers, as in Win"nip"eg.

What did nips mean to Petunia? Well and what did it mean to you?
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