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 Fort Garry Dark
Joined: 11/25/2005
Msg: 101
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice ColumnPage 5 of 19    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19)
Okay, I have to remember, don't lie about the financials, bless your heart.

Dusting of snow - well actually it's melting on the sidewalks, but piling up on the trees and the lawns - they are turning white - maybe the lawns will all have 1 inch (I'm not lying about the size) by morning. Before you know it - it'll be snow for as far as you can see up here.

Snuggled in with sugar sounds pretty good.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 102
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/19/2006 8:48:19 PM
Well packleader welcome to the show. Now it's way past my bedtime, geritol bottle's been sucked dry...bengay tube done squeezed out. Not a purty picture at all!
I'll give ya a quick answer, give ya a better one tomorrow, when I got both eyes open.
From what I saw...if you're talkin about a romance wagon, a mule and hay? Who you foolin hon, women ain't into wagons. Nuhha, they made of wood and wood means splinters and all. Women like shiny thangs like BMWs, Mercedes, now that's a romance wagon. And horses? Good Lord, man they stank and are cantankerous and scary. Forget mules, if women liked mules, then men wouldn't have to flash the cash. If ya get my drift. Mules are horses gone bad...not like horses got anythang goin on for women anyways.
If you wanna snag a woman, sell the farm, the ranch, the barn all of it. Get some good credit, much as ya can. Get one of them flashy plastic cards, gold is good platinum's better. Now don't go gettin upset or nuthin, Bea's just tellin it like it is.
If you could get a woman with a mule and romance wagon you wouldn't be here now, would ya?
And bless your heart, thanks for visitin and come back and please be shore to let us know how the sale goes and what you got for you farm. I'd throw in the mules, you'd be lucky to rid of 'em.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 103
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/20/2006 2:41:24 PM
Well I'll be a horned back toadie, don't you people ever sleep? Sorry but this ole gal gotta be hittin the sheets before 10 or I ain't worth a lick of good the next day. Wait til y'all get my age. Anyway, I digress, time to get down to bidness.
Red, thanks for steppin in hon, don't know what I'd do without your purty, smart self.
And welcome back to spice, always nice to see the purty girls show up for a visit. And a howdy to writer, speaking of purty...girl, you got the leg thang a goin on. I got me a pair of legs like that, 'course theys in the drawer on the package of a pair of stockins. I see we got some people to welcome, a big grits howdy y'all goes out to kap and shylala. Glad to see you droppin by for a spell.
On to bidness...kap, you know what to do, dontcha? Some gal wants to tell you to give up the suthern gentleman's right to hunt and fish? Tell her if God didn't want us to hunt and fish he wouldn't have made animals out of meat. It's doin good to eat some of them critters, if we didn't they'd be all over the place and drivin the humans nuts. And I'll give up eatin meat and bein a daggum vegetararian when they can grow lima beans that taste like steak.
No huntin and fishin....pfft Dan'el Boone must be rollin 'round in his grave, I sware. You can still be buddying up to her uncle though, like be he probably thinks she got a few nuts loose anyways.
shylala Hmm, well now Ms. Bea is a woman of the world, ya know. Just a smaller one than most, I reckon. I heard 'bout them vampires, but ain't got no personal experience to share. I reckon I'd just be a feared to go out at night, and keep your winders locked up tight.
Think that catches me up, time for my evenin dose of Geritol and guess I need some more bengay. Got my lawn boy next door to run down to Walmarts and stock me up. I'm gonna go get some shuteye, but I'll try to keep one open casein y'all need somethin.
 WATTACATCH
Joined: 5/22/2006
Msg: 104
Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/20/2006 3:26:08 PM
On Moving to The South

If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:

The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes, the South has 'mater samiches.
The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses.
The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives, the South has Lee Press-on Nails.
The North has double last names, the South has double first names.
The North has Ted Kennedy, the South has Jesse Helms.
The North has an ambulance, the South has an amalance.
The North has Indy car races, the South has stock car races.
The North has Cream of Wheat, the South has grits.
The North has green salads, the South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters, the South has crawdads.
The North has the rust belt, the South has the Bible Belt.

If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly.
Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store....Don't buy food at this store.
Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?"
You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all ought not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.
The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," as in "big'ol truck or "big'ol boy". Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.
Do not be surprised to find that many 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits!
Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Georgia.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Georgia, plus a couple no one has seen before.
If it grows, it sticks. If it crawls, it bites! .
It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.
"Fixinto" is one word (I'm fixinto go to the store).
Sweet Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're 2 years old.
"Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 105
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/20/2006 3:36:06 PM
The above public service message is sponsored by your local U-Haul dealership.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 106
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/20/2006 4:22:08 PM
When you stop and ask a sutherner for directions in the south, we like to give directions by pointing out landmarks. Can't use stoplights or stop signs, as we don't have that many and usually if you go past one or two, your past where you wanna be.
Our landmarks are usually the Dairy Queen, Hardee's, the feed store, the gas station or bait and tackle shop or a church. If you're in town, it's the bank or post office, course they usually the same place along with the dry cleaners and car wash and sometimes the drive-in theatre. Don't matter they all in the same block anyways.
So now, go down to the Dairy Queen and make a left. Foller the dirt road til it wanders off right then bends around to the left. Up ahead you'll see the Baptist Church, then the house with a white front porch. Keep going til you see the red barn, turn right there.
 WATTACATCH
Joined: 5/22/2006
Msg: 107
Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/20/2006 5:07:50 PM
Florida.

When you arrive at the airport, two Adventures, inc. representatives will meet you. You will be issued a bulletproof vest, a 12-guage shotgun, and a .44 Magnum. You will then be issued a car. You can choose between the armored van, or the car with a rent-a-car sticker on the back for the truly daring. When you arrive at you hotel, you will find a sniper rifle in your room. You will be shown a short video on hunting and killing the Florida Street Criminal, the dreaded FSC. After that, it's off to the bad neighborhoods for some excitement! With luck, some hooligans will rear-end you within a matter of hours. Wait in your car. They will come to you, in anticipation of killing you. At this point, pull out your gun and fire away! With luck you can get two or three kills in one day.

But the adventure doesn't end there. Although it would be illegal to keep any portion of a human anatomy as a trophy, you do receive all gang-related paraphernalia your prize owns. When you return to your hotel for the night, if you have selected the vigilante option, you will have a beautiful overview of a freeway. While you sleep, one of our representatives will be watching the freeway for carjacking or robbery. He will then wake you up. At this point, the sniper rifle in your room allows you the thrill of hunting with the comfort of your bed. After you make your kill, our representative will go down and collect your trophies. You can return to sleep.

At the end of your adventurous vacation, you get the climax. You will be given a car with less than one gallon of gas. You will drive around in a bad neighborhood. When your car runs out of gas, you will begin walking. At this point, you are open to muggers. We will even have a representative from our company trained in your native language to talk loudly to. It is only a matter of time before the FSC strikes.

If you are the sort of person that thinks this would be fun, write today for more information.

Note: Adventures, Inc. does not endorse the killing of human beings for pleasure. Any legal obligations arising from your visit are your own.

Well that was how it felt like after hearing all about the car jacking that was going on? But I must say my arrival was peaceful.
 Jackie1954
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 108
Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/20/2006 7:14:03 PM
Just ran across this... it's about the funniest thing I've seen on here!! Ignore this post, I'm just marking it so I can come back and read the entire thing! If I could figure out how to talk the way yall are, you would understand what this says a whole lot easier!
 Fort Garry Dark
Joined: 11/25/2005
Msg: 109
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/20/2006 7:40:55 PM
Well welcome Jackie.

I think we are all on the edge of our seats looking for problems here. Got some?
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 110
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/21/2006 10:28:26 AM
Morning folks....is there such a thang as a geritol hangover? And no I wasn't chasin it with beer, well not this time. Enough with my problems.
Hey there jackie welcome to the suthern corner of the pond. And bless your heart, just talk like you talk, sweetcakes, don't matter none to us. Just come on back whenever your lil heart desires, pull up a chair and visit a spell. You don't have to talk suthern to be a grits sister, just be a good woman who respects herself and don't put up with no crap from nobody.
Well, Red think you got some bad advice, no need for me to toss mine in. But I will anyway, just can't resist.
If you want a torrid affair, save the ammo and just make sure his rifle barrel ain't limp....aw shucks, well tryin to say it ladylike but think you get my drift.
Yeah, dark you produced anything other than a nice dinner and some silver tongued purty talk? Sugar ain't gonna be fooled now. Forget 'bout your drawers and get them financials all purtied up.
Well snugglin is snugglin and sleepovers is somethin else. You got it sugar, once you get under the covers with a man, well gotta be sure thangs don't get outta hand. Blek, sorry couldn't escape the bad pun.
 WATTACATCH
Joined: 5/22/2006
Msg: 111
Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/21/2006 11:10:00 AM
Florida's fire ants.

Almost the first thing that happened to me when I purchased my condo in South Florida was that I got attacked by a fire ant. This was my own stupid fault: I sat on the lawn.

I thought this was safe because I had come from Montreal, where lawns are harmless ecosystems consisting of 93 percent crabgrass (my lawn was, anyway); 6 percent real grass; and 1 percent cute little critters such as worms, ladybugs and industrious worker ants who scurry around carrying objects that are 800 times their own weight. (They don't USE these objects; they just carry them around. That's how industrious they are.)

Your South Florida lawn, on the other hand, is a seething mass of predatory carnivorous organisms, including land crabs, alligators, snakes ranging in thickness from “knitting needle”' to “thigh of Anna Nicole Smith,” lizards the size of small dogs, and giant hairy spiders that appear to have recently eaten small dogs, and are now wearing their pelts as trophies.
But the scariest South Florida lawn-dweller is the fire ant, a quarter-inch-long insect that can easily defeat a full-grown human in hand-to-hand combat. That's what happened to me. I sat on my lawn, put my hands down and YOW a fire ant -- let's call him Arnie -- injected me with his Special Recipe fire-ant venom, and then watched, with a merry twinkle in each of his 5,684 eyes, as I leaped up and danced wildly around, brushing uselessly at my hand, which felt as though I had stuck it into a toaster-oven set on “pizza.” I'm sure the other ants had a hearty laugh when Arnie got back to the colony and communicated this story by releasing humor pheromones (“Then this MORON puts his HAND down! Yes! On the LAWN! Ha ha! Must be from Montreal.”)

That happened 7 years ago, and my hand just recently finished healing. So I am not a fan of fire ants. This is why I was excited when I read a story by Jennifer Maloney in the Miami Herald about a U.S. Department of Agriculture program, to control the fire ants right where I was Living near Naples, by releasing a wondrous little creature called the decapitating phorid fly. This is an amazing fly that kills fire ants via a method that, if insects wrote horror novels, would have been dreamed up by the fire ant Stephen King.

What happens is, the female phorid fly swoops in on a fire ant and, in less than a tenth of a second, injects an egg into the ant's midsection. When the egg hatches, the maggot crawls up inside the ant, and -- here is the good part -- eats the entire contents of the ant's head. This poses a serious medical problem for the ant, which, after walking around for a couple of weeks with its insides being eaten, has its head actually fall off. At that point it becomes a contestant on The Bachelorette.

No, seriously, at that point the ant is deceased. Meanwhile, inside the detached head, the maggot turns into a fly, and, when it's ready, crawls out and goes looking for more ants.
You can see an amazing video of phorid flies in action at www.cmave.saa.ars.usda.gov/fireant/news1.htm. The video, which has a soundtrack of wild, jungle-style drum music, shows female flies zipping around fire ants like tiny fighter planes, giving the ants FITS. The video also shows how, when a fly isn't fast enough, it gets turned into Purina Ant Chow.

On a recent Friday I went to watch University of Florida Extension Agent Adrian Hunsberger, and Miami-Dade County biologist Ruben Regalado, release phorid flies on the grounds of Baptist Hospital in Kendall. To start the procedure, Ruben stuck a shovel into a fire-ant mound and turned over a bunch of dirt. Immediately, fire ants charged out and began scurrying angrily around.

“They're looking for whoever disturbed their mound,” said Adrian.

“I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH DISTURBING YOUR MOUND,” I shouted at the ants. “RUBEN DISTURBED YOUR MOUND. I AM HERE AS A TOURIST.”

It's important to maintain your objectivity.

While the mound was swarming, Adrian opened a vial and released a bunch of phorid flies. The flies, which are almost invisible -- little swooping specks -- immediately went after the ants. At least the female flies did. Presumably the males, observing the Universal Guy Top Priority, tried to mate with the females.

Anyway, I think it's a terrific idea, using natural enemies to attack fire ants. To the Department of Agriculture, I say: Good work! To the female phorid flies, I say: You go, girls! And to any fire ants that happen to be crawling on this E-MAIL, I say: REMEMBER, I DID NOT DISTURB YOUR MOUND.
 Fort Garry Dark
Joined: 11/25/2005
Msg: 112
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/21/2006 4:25:03 PM
Why Ms Butttcakes! Bless your heart, I don’t agree “we gotta be sure that thangs don’t get outta hand”. A little out of hand hardly ever hurt anyone. In fact I’m kind of fond of it.

I haven’t really had much of an opportunity with sugar, so far, to produce much more than a nice dinner and some purty talk. Give me some time, I’m working on it, but us northern men believe in a little decorum too.

That sugar sure is purty. And given all her accounting training I’m not real surprised she’s so interested in my financials. Thanks Bea for keeping her focused on what is most important, but after all you did pick the name of the thread. I’m doing all kinds of data entry just to get them financials right up to date for the right time - then I can show her the whole thing.

And sugar, I ain’t misleading you about the size of nothing. ;-) Promise.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 113
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/21/2006 5:38:31 PM
Hey opie welcome to the best of suthern livin!! Goodness sakes, sweetcakes, we got nursin homes on every other corner down here. If you're lookin for an older man, this place is a goldmine...um I mean this place is the mother lode. Whoee, just got to make sure he ain't go no livin relatives. And gotta get him to marry you real quick like and not to worry sugar, ole Bea's a notary, so I can grab my stamp and get you married all quick like.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 114
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/22/2006 4:03:23 PM
Opie Naw, hun don't waste your hard earned money on a PI. Just bribe the nurses!! They know who's got the relatives and who ain't. Now you may need an accountant to do the financial checkin up and I knowed me a good one. I'll fix ya up.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 115
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/22/2006 5:13:54 PM
blue eyes "in a normal healthy relationship, the woman has 99 % of the control over when sex happens, but men usually have 99 % of the sex drive" Well I sware, must never have had a normal healthy relationship myself, maybe you haven't either if them's the criteria. I also think if god were a woman, she'd a made the man's umm well thang look like somethin other than a one-eyed snake, ya know what I mean? It could been somethin that looked friendlier and all and maybe a little less scary. Women like purty thangs so that's the premise of my argument that god ain't a woman.
 Fort Garry Dark
Joined: 11/25/2005
Msg: 116
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/23/2006 1:40:04 PM

you may need an accountant to do the financial checkin up and I knowed me a good one. I'll fix ya up.


Dear Ms Buttcake,

I may just have to take you up on that offer to find me an accountant. I printed out all your advice and took it and my shoebox of receipts and went to visit mine. But now he’s recommending I should hire even more high priced advice.

He’s saying that I should see a lawyer and get myself a, now I’m not sure I heard this right, a pro-nuptial agreement with sugar. Do you, or the rest of you folk; know anything about those kinds of things? On the plus side I should have my financials by next week.

Red dear, I figure if you like that “tall drink of water” you ought to get yourself ready to take a deep sip.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 117
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/23/2006 3:28:53 PM
dark I think it's pre-nuptial but what the hey. Y'all Canadians say things a bit different anyways, eh? Lawyer! Don't go wastin your bucks on some slick big city feller like that. Ain't no need, you can get you one of them do it yourselfers kits. And not to go a tootin my own horn, but I AM considered the financial and legal expert here in Buckwild Corners. Yup, ole Ms. Bea took that Sally Struthers Mail-In Course and got me that certificate and everything. I framed it up all fancy-like and hung it on my wall under my picture of Dan'l Boone. Just get the kit and fill it in, keep it all simple like. I'll be sweet and give ya a sample.

Pre-Nuptial Agreement
I ______(fill in your name) do hereby agree that upon entering into marriage with _______that we will be govenered by these here following conditions as legal and binding:
Upon the date of marriage, we submit full financial disclosure of all our assets and indebtedness, hereby attached and made a part of this document.
If either party withholds disclosure of said assets, then by default they will become the property of the other party.
Upon separation or institution of divorce proceedings, said assets and debts will revert back to the original owners. If said assets should be disposed off, any profits will become the property of the original owner after discharge of any debt thereon.
Any and all assets or debts acquired or entered into during the marriage will be split equally upon separation and commencement of divorce proceedings. (Other than children that may be born of the marriage that is. I threw this one in myself, pretty smart, huh? oh yeah, and umm pets, too.)
Each party hereto agrees not to hold the other liable or seek damages for any reason for initiating separation or divorce proceedings.
If at any time during the marriage either party withholds any marital privileges from the other, (that means sex) then said aggrieved party shall be able to initiate separation and divorce proceedings without being held liable or the other party seeking damages.
Should either party seek to initiate separation and divorce proceedings, each party agrees herewith to full cooperation to settle said division of assets in a timely manner.

I think that's about it, I usually get a fee, but what the hey, I'm feelin generous today.
 WATTACATCH
Joined: 5/22/2006
Msg: 118
Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/23/2006 4:03:39 PM
Hi Dark.....Get her to sign this pre nup.

I, THE UNDERSIGNED, AGREE THAT...

1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one. And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "Ooooh, do me slow; you're so good, you're the best so THIS is screwing!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a compass.

2. Should your mother show me any photos of you as a child, like those ones taken at your auntie's wedding where you've got a velvet bow tie and a Pudding-bowl haircut, I shall make no comment. Ever. Or even look at you in a way that suggests they are at all "funny".

3. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team lose, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there. To demonstrate my understanding of this principle, I will prepare your favourite meal or, in the event of not being able to cook, take you out for a few pints at my cost.

4. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak. And that you have discovered, contrary to popular belief, that size does matter.

5. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

6. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face. Under no circumstances will I attempt to start a conversation as you are dropping off to sleep.

7. I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname. Any references to this hallowed appendage will be prefaced with words such as "mighty", "huge", "strapping" or "the thunderstick".

8. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

9. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.

10. I understand that video footage of such incidents is an indispensable part of the experience and in the event that you do not already possess one, I will acquire a video camera for you at the earliest opportunity.

11. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men".

12. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of the lot. Except for the iron and the washing machine, of course.



Signed ____________________________________

Date ____________________
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 119
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/23/2006 5:54:31 PM
Tarra Welcome to the show, hon. Always nice to have a new listener. Like anal? Dang, child, almost choked on my geritol readin that. Listen, tell your daddy that your cuzin is sniffin round acting like a dang piggie. Here's some good bad advice. Unless he's a proctologist ain't noone got any right gettin near your hind end. That's your anal, sweet child, since you probably didn't have anatomy.
I'd get a gun or a baseball bat handy next time you go to a family reunion. And for God's sake, don't ever bend over if he's around. Next time someone asks if you like anal, tell them 'bout as much as you'd like me makin a necklace outta your private parts.
That'll fix 'em.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 120
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/23/2006 6:21:09 PM
tarra Smells like possum? BLEK!! Get ya some mothballs or somethin and wrap it up in a garbage ball with them moth balls or hang it outside til the smell settles down.
Get your ma to show you how to make your own dresses. Ain't all that hard, just takes a little patience and a steady hand. Neither of which I got no more. I have to buy my clothes at the WalMart. They got plus sizes now.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 121
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/24/2006 3:03:54 PM
Well, kap my favorite philosopher Robin Williams says men got two heads and only enough blood to use one at a time. Now if that don't make plumb good sense don't know what does.
Red's got it right, hon, quit tryin to date your family. Cuzins ain't datin material, now. Quit thinkin about tryin to get laid at the family reunions, that ain't what theys for.
As far as happy pants, don't know right how to advise you 'bout that. Just don't look at women when they's bendin over, ain't good for ya. You gots to learn to control that monster in your shorts or it's gonna control you. And third cuzin, pfft, don't make no matter, it's still family. You already in that family, go find someone else to haul in or soon y'alls family tree won't fork. You'll all be wearing coveralls sittin on the front porch eatin applesauce hummin the theme song to Deliverance. Not a purty site, I reckon.
Lawdy, Red, you're gonna have to start numberin these fellers. How do you keep track? I mean I heard about taggin and baggin 'em but goodness sakes. Just don't let 'em get ya horizontal until you check out the money thang. Ain't no use givin it away when you can feather your nest, if you know where I'm comin from. Women need security, now, we don't wanna be workin at the diner or Dairy Queen when we're 75, slingin hash and ice cream 'round. Again, not a purty site. Find ya one or two that's got something in the bank, get your hands on it then you can see what they got goin on in their drawers.
From what I can remember from so long ago, ain't no big difference anyway, 'cept in the hydraulics.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 122
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/25/2006 3:25:25 PM
sugar You don't have to sign nuthin you don't want to, sweetcakes. A pre-nup is usually just for financial and legal reasons to protect assets in case of a split-up. You can write your own pre-nup and put in anythin your little heart desires. People just don't wanna end up with a suthern divorce, like a hurricane, it's a lot of howlin wind and someone's gonna lose the house. If there's no pre-nup then the marriage is governed by the laws of original jurisdiction. Sorry to use them five dollar words, thankfully I kept my book to my Sally Struthers course. Knew I'd be able to use them fancy schmancy words sometime. Almost worth the $39.95 plus shippin and handlin and I did get a nice purty certificate.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 123
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/25/2006 3:54:38 PM
tarra Hmm..well you sure in a pickle, ain't ya. No marryin in the family, it just ain't right. Maybe you can get you a catalog and send away for one of them mail order husbands. No wait, nix that. You just gonna have to git yourself into town and hang out where the menfolk do. Bait and tackle store, gun shop, feed store, gots to be a man attractin place somewheres.
Maybe ask your cuzins if they got friends?
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 124
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/25/2006 6:50:30 PM
Hey folks, a new listener. Welcome commonsens to Bea and Red's Really Really Bad Advice Radio Hour sponsored tonight by the charity Dictionarys for Blondes (sorry no offense to blonde listeners) kinda like the Gideons and their Bibles.
There once was a thread posted to guys bout being proud of their size. And lawdie, kids, we had some fun with that. Seems the ignorant youngin didn't know that men who talk about it and are proud of it, well usually ain't got much other than their braggin. Don't imagine you'll see them here, commonsens, not the threesome anyway, as theys probably in time out. Plus this thread has words longer than 3 letters.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 125
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Beatrice Buttcake's Really Really Bad Advice Column
Posted: 10/25/2006 7:10:38 PM
Red Accent's somethin you put on food so it has some taste to it. Suthern women don't have accents, that's for them northerners, suthern women got the twag thang a goin on. When he hears your sweet twang, that man's gonna melt like butter on hot cornbread. All the men do, I got offered a good payin job on one of them phone thangs but I don't talk that nasty stuff. Good money, though hard to turn down, but I turned it down like the sheets at a Motel 6.
Honey, men will drop like flies at a bug zapper convention when they hear a woman with the suthern twang thing a goin on. Bet on it, shuga.
Yeah, I heardt that there's something like one woman for every well bunch of men in Alaska. Wouldn't work for me, with the knee problems I got from Roller Derby. I just wonder with all that snow and stuff how they get nekkid and well, you know..have some personal enjoyment and stuff. I'd be frozen like an popsicle, have my elastic socks pulled up round my neck and wrapped up like a mummy, myself.
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