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 TraveliciousGuy
Joined: 9/17/2011
Msg: 60
STDsPage 3 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
Tell upfront, right away.
Everyone has a right to know about something that will affect their health, so they can make an informed decision on whether they wish to continue or not.
 unme2011
Joined: 12/17/2010
Msg: 61
STDs
Posted: 3/19/2012 4:37:18 PM
Herpes?! that should written clearly in your profile, no exceptions. You don't just wait to bring that stuff up until someone has messaged you or the first date.

"Hi, thanks for coming to meet me....Oh...and I have a confession, I have herpes". or god forbid right before you're about to have sex for the first time. I would leave immediately and be very angered at the person for not telling the truth upfront and wasting my time.

And you don't exactly want a guy that's going to be OK with it in the heat of the moment, because that indicates a high level of carelessness and irresponsibility, not to mention they themselves could have a much more dangerous STD they aren't telling you about. Even if they're OK with it, infecting an irresponsible person is just going to result in more people being infected by their irresponsibility if you don't stay together forever. You might do the right thing and tell them, but in the future they might not do the right thing with someone else.

Condoms do not stop the transmission of herpes in any meaningful way. Once you have herpes, there's no going back, you have it for life. No one can be that sure about spending their life with someone to take that kind of risk. So not only will you be giving herpes to someone else, you'll be ruining their sex life, or the sex life of anyone else they might come into contact with in the future. This is just very irresponsible.

It is not fair to try to attract people and then break the news of a life altering STD on them once they've dedicated any amount of time in pursuit toward a relationship.

If you're upfront in your profile, maybe you'll find someone else with herpes and then you won't have to worry about infecting someone. And yes, I'm sure they do have dating sites for people with herpes, and I suggest you try that out first because most people on here will pass you over, and for good reason. And the ones that don't pass you over and don't have herpes, are generally very irresponsible and careless people that no one wants to be with anyways.

I find it VERY immoral and irresponsible for a person with herpes to even be trying to have a relationship with people who don't have herpes, even if they do disclose it at some point before sex.

You shouldn't even be letting people make the decision for themselves of whether or not they will sleep with you knowing you have herpes. You're walking around with a 'loaded gun' and giving that 'loaded gun' to other people, and expecting them to act responsibly after they've contracted that 'loaded gun'. This makes you directly responsible for every person they might infect in the future.

I am not attacking you OP, I'm just trying to be stern to convey the seriousness of the situation.
 redhead00507
Joined: 12/27/2011
Msg: 62
STDs
Posted: 3/19/2012 5:04:31 PM
"unme2011"- That is the MOST naive message I have read in a long time. You clearly know nothing about herpes. It can be controlled and you can easily have a healthy sex life and be safe. You should really do some research on this. I have a sister that got herpes from her husband. He had cold sores on his mouth...and in the begining of their relationship he managed to give it to her through oral sex. I personally find it sad how many people are ok with people who have "cold sores" twice a year or whatever on their lips..but as soon as my sister got it down there everyones like "OMG!" . Like she did something horrible. She doesn't sleep around, she was in a comitted relationship. What if she wasn't still with him? She would basically have to plan on living her life alone unless it was with another herpes person? You make it sound like all of these people did something horrible..or that you can't live a fantastic life with this person even though they have this. Getting to know the person for who they really are is more important. If you have feelings for someone then maybe you will realize this is something you can work with. There are medications that make it so theres maybe 1 outbreak a year. I can't believe for maybe 1 outbreak a year she would have no right to try to date...that just boggles my mind.
 unme2011
Joined: 12/17/2010
Msg: 63
STDs
Posted: 3/19/2012 5:39:12 PM
redheat00507, I know everything on the subject.

herpes is not life threatening, but it's still an STD nonetheless, and can be a painful one. It's not something to be taken lightly.

***you don't have to have an outbreak to give someone herpes***. you can give a person herpes at any time if you have it. sure it's not 100% guaranteed, but it's still a high chance either way. and the amount of outbreaks depends on the person. you might not have an outbreak except once or twice a year, but the person you gave it to might have a continuous outbreak or have it much more often, which means more suffering for them than you.

if someone is willing to have sex with someone who has herpes, they are most likely careless and irresponsible. let's say someone is dating someone for 6 months, and they finally have sex. she breaks it to them before sex that she has herpes and in the heat of the moment basically says "that's ok I love you", so they have sex regularly and now both of them have herpes. then 6 months or years later, they break up for one reason or another. now two people have herpes, and that person she gave herpes might not be willing to tell their next partner that they have it, so it spreads again.

like I said before, allowing someone to make that decision for themselves of if they are willing to sleep with someone who has herpes is not the best route unless you're absolutely sure you're going to stay with them, and most people can't be that sure, and even if they think it will last forever, doesn't mean it will. they are giving a possibly irresponsible person a disease, which they can then spread carelessly to others in the future.

And that's the issue, it IS irresponsible to give someone herpes who might in the future, give it to other people without telling them they have it. So disclosure is only half the issue, the person you gave it to possibly infecting others in the future is the other half of the issue. If I give a kid a loaded gun, am I not responsible for what that kid does with it and who it might affectr?

You can't just say "oh I told them I have herpes and they chose to sleep with me, so I'm not responsible for who they might infect in the future". It doesn't work that way, that doesn't make your hands clean of the consequences.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with what I've said here, this is a very mature and responsible assessment.
 redhead00507
Joined: 12/27/2011
Msg: 64
STDs
Posted: 3/19/2012 5:52:27 PM

if someone is willing to have sex with someone who has herpes, they are most likely careless and irresponsible.

This statement is a joke. I see how in the heat of the moment this could be true. But if someone sat down in a normal setting when things weren't heating up and talked about this topic like two grown adults and the person without herpes thought he felt comfortable with all the knowledge and so forth still moving forward and having sexual relations does NOT make that person irresponsible. And to be quite frank, it makes them a very kind and understanding person whom after a detailed convo knows the consequesnces that "could" happen. You can't guarantee ANYTHING in life...not even if a relationship is going to work out. You are making herpes sound just like AIDS. If I had herpes and everyone was like you I would just shoot myself now. Cause their would be no point in life. That's pretty much what you are telling people with herpes. They have no chance at a relationship and anyone willing to do so must be careless and irresponsible. You are trying so hard to sound mature and responsible but sometimes that can also be heartless and cold.

You can't just say "oh I told them I have herpes and they chose to sleep with me, so I'm not responsible for who they might infect in the future". It doesn't work that way, that doesn't make your hands clean of the consequences.

No one said they would think like that.
 IronBelle
Joined: 3/13/2012
Msg: 65
STDs
Posted: 3/19/2012 6:22:30 PM
Most of the time people do not even know they have Herpes. Many people do not ask to be tested for it as it is a different panel test to be taken. And, most people do not have symptoms . So for the people talking shit, maybe they should go get tested for it first.

Do people go out of their way to get herpes ? No. However what people I do know who have it rarely have any issues once on anti virals, and people still date them fully aware if the risk. There are worse issues out there than Herpes. Some of the things I see in the pharmacy world, Herpes is nothing !!!

Go get tested some of you. You might be amazed to find you have it. You need to ask for the test to be done. It is NOT on a regular STD panel. And for those sexually active, you may as well have it done every 6 months. I am willing to bet most of your sex partners have not been tested either. Condoms do not prevent this either, it is contracted skin on skin. Not Semen.

Ask all the people you date & have sex with to show you the current paperwork stating NEGATIVE too, because STD's checks are like bank checks. Good today and bad tomorrow. And yes, Herpes can be transmitted from cold sores on the mouth. Mouth to mouth, mouth to genitals.

A lot of people come into the Rx for Valtrex or Acyclovir DAILY. And again, it controls the Virus not cures. But I will state this again, Herpes is nothing compared to other issues people have. Don't be ignorant about it. So many people say NO they do not have it but probably have not been tested. Shame shame.

I would rather date a good man with herpes, than a dumb ass or a know it all.

LMFAO @ Unme2011 knows everything on the subject? Please then, find a cure and come teach Pharmacy College, we need know it alls, because even researchers and dumb asses who are not tested every 6 months, do not know everything about the subject. Good God. Where people claim to know it all on things like this?? Really? Wow.
 Jaimes004
Joined: 8/18/2011
Msg: 66
STDs
Posted: 3/19/2012 6:25:40 PM
@unme2011

Hey Bro,
There are a lot of scary things in the world since I got marred, 20 years ago. Now that I have been back in the dating scene for the last 2 years, I took it upon myself to perform a great deal of research, including discussing certain facts with my doctor regarding such issues, just so I am educated.

As far as herpes goes, once I was thoroughly educated on the subject, I began to notice more and more people that have this, via 'fever blisters'(type 1), including very close friends and family members too! There is a topic that someone dreamed up called viral shedding that has yet to be proven. They believe it exists in theory only(per doctors report). If you believe what you type, then you should NEVER kiss a woman (or guy) again for fear this theory exists, until you have them tested. End of story!

I think you should educate oneself before typing such narrow minded jibberish.

Hell, we all have to die of something, but this wont do it!
 horses44
Joined: 9/10/2006
Msg: 67
view profile
History
STDs
Posted: 3/19/2012 6:49:47 PM
Redhead, Ironbelle and Jaimes - thank you for your WONDERFUL and well thought out responses.

I found out 5 years ago I had herpes, not the fun oral one, but genital - I was destroyed...I had been with a gentleman and I will freely admit I knew he was a player, but doggone it he was just a charmer. After a while things got a little peculiar and relationship ended. I was NOT careful during out encounters and decided to get checked out, belle is 100% correct, this is NOT something that is drawn during routine labs, you must request it. And while it may not be true for all health insurance plans, I "believe" you may have to pay for this out of pocket and it is a bit pricey. Back to my story, when I received the diagnosis, based on my immune system the little bugger had probably been with me for YEARS, just dormant for many.

So I agonized for a while, put dating on hold....and thought how do I broach this subject with a possible suitor? Now bear in mind if I met someone BEFORE I got this joyous news I would have been out the door so fast...but now that I know I have it...it is an entirely new ball game. Most of the meet & greets I go on are just that...we meet, I like him/he doesn't like me, vice versa, you get the picture. Now if I meet a gentleman and there is attraction, and we go out a couple of times (just kissing, no funny business) then I will have the talk, it goes something like this "I like you and I am attracted to you, now "generally speaking" when a man and woman like each other it may become intimately physical, before we go there I want you to know I have herpes. If you choose not to continue our relationship I completely understand, however if you are still interested I strongly advise you to look into it on REPUTABLE websites (something along the lines of WebMD) it will provide you with more facts and figures so you will have a better understanding of this rotten little virus. This gives them an "escape" if they decide they don't want to stick around, BUT if they are interested they will be informed
 qualityl
Joined: 10/16/2010
Msg: 68
STDs
Posted: 3/19/2012 6:57:47 PM
I think I need to stop dating! Go into a bubble and hide.
 IronBelle
Joined: 3/13/2012
Msg: 69
STDs
Posted: 3/19/2012 7:02:52 PM
No, Qual, you just need to be aware a lot of people carry this virus, even you may have it ( unless you have been recently tested ). I am more worried about the nut jobs who cannot hold a job, live with mama, lie, been in and out of prison, child molesters.

Herpes is honestly nothing compared to other crap out there, trust me. Heck I meet Diabetics who have WAY worse issues than someone with Herpes who takes their medication.

Educate yourself. What is going in a bubble going to do? Not a damn thing. Just do not listen to people who lie, claim to know everything, and who do not even know about their OWN STD status. Most people do not know. And it is not covered by most insurance plans. I believe it is a good $ 50 or more, depending on where you get the test done.

I had it done ( testing ) yearly, as I was married to a cheater and just wanted to always know my stats. Anyone should. Not just for dating, but for themselves.

Horses, you are welcome. I do not know it all and never would make such a lame comment, but I am pretty Educated and getting smarter, and am in field of College and work that I learn daily about Disease, drugs, treatment, etc. And I LOVE it. It is interesting, and meet some fascinating people in the process. I meat people with Cancer, HIV, every STD in the book, MS, FM, you name it. And most of these people are just everyday people. Even people from POF stand in line to pick up STD meds as well.

Way more than may ever admit or tell anyone. People should not fear being honest about it, they need to fear being a liar.
 unme2011
Joined: 12/17/2010
Msg: 70
STDs
Posted: 3/19/2012 7:07:41 PM
so you're basically trying to justify the purposeful spread of herpes and lessen the actual seriousness of it. if you would notice, my comments are not self-serving....yet others are. I have not reduced myself to petty insults, yet I see a couple.

if anything, it makes it look like any or all of you 3 could have herpes and know it, and want to shed a positive light on it to feel some sense of acceptance for having it. i.e. self serving. that, or just not taking it as seriously as it should be taken, which is *irresponsible*.

You're condoning nondisclosure of an STD until you're close to them or about to have sex. that is wrong any way you try to twist it.

as I said before, ***It is not fair to try to attract people and then break the news of a life altering STD on them once they've dedicated any amount of time in pursuit toward a relationship.*** it's selfish. it's baiting them into that decision after they've built an attachment and feelings for you, making that decision much harder than if you told them from the start. that is not something a responsible and caring person should condone.

the reason why people don't tell them until they're involved is because they know if they told them outright, they probably would have said no. but now that they're attached, that decision may lean in their favor. again, selfish.

sure there are worse things than herpes, but that doesn't mean you take genital herpes lightly one bit. just because a lot of people have it doesn't mean you justify it with, "oh a lot of people have it, so I guess it's not soo bad if I get it since I won't be the only one!". In africa, they use this exact same logic with AIDS, many even treat it like a right of passage. of course, AIDS and herpes are very different things, but the one thing they have in common is they are with you until the day you die.

I feel sympathy for people who have herpes, I really do, especially if they caught it without being informed. but that doesn't mean you just go on with your life acting like you don't have it or like it's not a big deal at all. herpes is a big deal that affects you for the rest of your life and your partner, and their potential future partners. so that one decision between two people could affect dozens of people or more for the rest of their lives.

if someone held me down prison style and said 'OK, which STD do you want?', I'd choose most of the ones that were curable before I would choose herpes, which makes herpes high up on the STD ladder simply because it's with you for life. there are for more deadly and damaging STD's than herpes if left untreated, but many of those, if treated, ARE less serious than herpes in the long run.
 IronBelle
Joined: 3/13/2012
Msg: 71
STDs
Posted: 3/19/2012 7:20:06 PM
It has nothing to do with having it, it has to do with having an education. And I would NEVER claim to know everything. That is absurd. Come work with me a day, you will shut it big time. You would not make it a full day though, not with that attitude.

Like I said, since you know everything, we need you in Pharmacy College and Medical schools. Hurry up, apply now...operators are standing by. Especially since you are trying to now diagnose over a forum. Good God, where have you been all of people's lives??? lol
 IronBelle
Joined: 3/13/2012
Msg: 72
STDs
Posted: 3/19/2012 7:28:29 PM
It is Callwilliam but a lot of people do not do it or ask for all the tests. Some of the people that come into the Rx even say it...* if they had only been tested *. And all the time. This is a dormant Virus.
 coderedjulia1
Joined: 9/8/2011
Msg: 73
STDs
Posted: 3/19/2012 8:32:59 PM
It should be notified before you get intimate with someone. If its oral herpes, like cold sores, I would still say something. I don't understand people who think cold sores are no big deal. I certainly don't want them. Just any kind of touching should be discussed.
 TKO38
Joined: 3/6/2012
Msg: 74
STDs
Posted: 3/19/2012 8:37:34 PM
Courageous, its a great thing to bring up.

I think there are alot of people here, everywhere, who are not fully educated on STD's. I think people need to start reading, and asking questions when at their doctors.

There seems to be no set time to talk to someone about this. I think you will end up knowing when it is the right time. You pointed out that some were upset it wasnt earlier and some were upset you said something too soon. I think thats just how its going to be. Its not like there is a rule book on this topic.

As for some people who are really rude, wholly! It is a good question, and I wish there was something on here that people could add to their profiles. As long as of course they were actually honest. Which we all know some people are not. But it is something good to know. Thank goodness I have never had anything. But I have met people who have gotten that 'surprise' call from their doc.

Best thing is to just be you, honest and truthful.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 75
STDs
Posted: 3/19/2012 9:01:18 PM
^^^
Some GP-type doctors need to do some reading too, and they rarely have time to stay current with the latest Sti information. A health nurse at an actual STI clinic may have more knowledge and expertise in providing information and advice.

http://www.herpes.com/hsv1-2.html
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 76
STDs
Posted: 3/19/2012 9:04:07 PM
I definitely agree with Ironbelle. Educate yourself on STD's. If there is chemistry people should tell the other person that doesn't have it upfront, if there is not chemistry there's no need to explain themselves to another person because things are not going any further.
 OCRebellion
Joined: 2/8/2011
Msg: 77
STDs
Posted: 3/19/2012 9:07:13 PM
I worked for an R&D Pharmaceutical company and one of the research lines they do is on herpes and now work for the world's leading diagnostic company in R&D. Here are a few more things:

1) Approximately 70% of the U.S. population over the age of 35 has herpes; it goes up after 40.
2) Even if you get tested for herpes, you can test negative, because you only test positive when you are in an active outbreak (which differs in symptoms from person to person)
3) A person with herpes can have it, not know they have it and pass it along to someone else completely without knowing. Depending on your own body and diet, you can be completely symptom free. It's why the frequency and severity of outbreaks differ from person to person. Diet heavily affects how one controls this STD.
4) A condom will protect you from herpes during intercourse.
5) Herpes is spread more easily and more commonly through oral sex than intercourse.

To the idiot who claimed to know everything about this STD...REALLY? Doubtful.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 78
STDs
Posted: 3/19/2012 9:22:25 PM
^^^^^^^^Thank you. A little reason-ability added to a whole lot of ... well ... crap above.

~OT~ For those who are not quite as knowledgeable as they'd like to think, maybe add influenza to your list of "must disclose before I meet you" list because that can kill you. Personally ~ I agree with iron above. Full disclosure when it's determined there is a reason to disclose. We're all aware of the infamous one-n-done's that go along with meeting/dating today ~ seems only logical to keep some things private until there is a need-to-know. JMO
 Radiculus12
Joined: 3/3/2012
Msg: 79
STDs
Posted: 3/19/2012 9:37:32 PM

1) Approximately 70% of the U.S. population over the age of 35 has herpes; it goes up after 40.


Yea, oral herpes (cold sores). Not genital herpes. The % of adults with genital herpes is far smaller.

I don't think there is a need to advertise this in your POF profile. But, I would definitely want to know someone's STI history before engaging in any kind of sexual activity with them. Chlamydia and gonorrhea can be eradicated relatively easily with antibiotics but you will never get rid of herpes no matter how much Valtrex you take. Same with HIV. You can control it but you can't cure it (at least not yet).
 redhead00507
Joined: 12/27/2011
Msg: 80
STDs
Posted: 3/19/2012 9:40:24 PM

if anything, it makes it look like any or all of you 3 could have herpes and know it, and want to shed a positive light on it to feel some sense of acceptance for having it. i.e. self serving. that, or just not taking it as seriously as it should be taken, which is *irresponsible*.

When you have a close family member who has been through this, yes...I get a little feisty. No, I do not have it...just standing up for what I believe in. No ones trying to say "hey, go get yourself some herpes..it's not that bad!" WE are trying to say first and foremost to educate yourself about it..not just you, everyone! But also, it's not the end of the world. It does NOT affect having a relationship like you think. And if you knew anything you would understand that. Now for some who aren't on the meds, and don't tell their partners when they are having a break out and dont' use protection and all that, tis a different story. But for someone on the meds, you tell your partner when you have a breakout and refrain from sex, and use protection(it's clearly not completely helpful depending on where you get the breakouts but can help) it is not something that would prevent you from having a wonderful and healthy sex life and relationship with someone who doesn't have it.


You're condoning nondisclosure of an STD until you're close to them or about to have sex. that is wrong any way you try to twist it.

NO ONE said anything about condoning nondisclosure. Maybe you should learn to read. And NO it isn't wrong to wait till you see the relationship going somewhere. Anyone with herpes is still a person and still deserves to be seen as who they are..not just as someone with herpes.


the reason why people don't tell them until they're involved is because they know if they told them outright, they probably would have said no. but now that they're attached, that decision may lean in their favor. again, selfish.

And what is wrong with this and how is it selfish???? I didn't know it was selfish for wanting to be seen for you you are as a person..not what STD you have. I'm starting to feel like I'm having to repeat myself.


I feel sympathy for people who have herpes, I really do, especially if they caught it without being informed. but that doesn't mean you just go on with your life acting like you don't have it or like it's not a big deal at all. herpes is a big deal that affects you for the rest of your life and your partner, and their potential future partners. so that one decision between two people could affect dozens of people or more for the rest of their lives.

Yes, you do...you go on, living your life acting like you don't have it until a relationship starts and you have that discussion. Herpes is not something you let weigh you down or something you should feel like shit about everyday. People who have herpes I'm sure know what a big deal it is...they don't need to be reminded on this forum by some idiot about how serious it is. You know you have it, you move on and live your life and take precaution when you are suppose to.


if someone held me down prison style and said 'OK, which STD do you want?', I'd choose most of the ones that were curable before I would choose herpes, which makes herpes high up on the STD ladder simply because it's with you for life. there are for more deadly and damaging STD's than herpes if left untreated, but many of those, if treated, ARE less serious than herpes in the long run

Well isn't that nice you would have the choice.....cause I really don't think anyone who has it had the choice. Now some could have not slept with strangers and so on...but some people have contracted it innocently and mearly by accident or because they knew nothing about how it transfers. I'm sure if they had a choice they would have chosen a curable one as well...wow..if only the world worked like that! Pick your STD....

"unme2011"- final thought, like another poster had mentioned...do you plan on making every girl you make out with get tested for herpes first as well? Do you honestly think people that have herpes on their lips tell everyone before they make out with someone if they don't currently have a break out? NO, they usually don't. You could share a drink with someone, and get it. Then you are only one small step from a genital STD. If people realized how easily innocent people can contract it maybe they would be more understanding like I am or some of the others on here. But you go live in your box where there's zero chance of you ever getting it...



 OCRebellion
Joined: 2/8/2011
Msg: 81
STDs
Posted: 3/19/2012 10:02:02 PM
Radiculus - no, those statistics are for genital herpes; sad, but true.
 XtiBrad
Joined: 2/12/2012
Msg: 82
STDs
Posted: 3/19/2012 10:36:30 PM
I agree with keeping some STD matters temporarily private. However, I believe the carriers responsibility is to monitor themselves when they run the risk of spreading their disease. Aside from that, I'd be displeased at enjoying many dates or whatnot, only to find halfway down the road the girl is a carrier.

If it's a disease that really turns me off, than I'd feel quite displeased for investing so much into the relationship when the disease runs a risk of completely killing the mood for future bonds.

I'd be okay with maybe 2 - 3 dates in or whatever. However, it depends. Don't "accidentally" spread a disease, because it's really your job to monitor yourself. Please research your STD, and protect fellow members of society from obtaining the disease unknowingly.
 Jaimes004
Joined: 8/18/2011
Msg: 83
STDs
Posted: 3/20/2012 7:10:00 AM
This does not affect me. All I promote is to gain knowledge of whats out there, be cautious, ask questions, and just be aware with an open mind, nothing more. The facts are, that there are more people than we think that are affected with some type of disorder, and they don't even realize it.

Some of the comments made here are quite demeaning to some, much like a racial slur. No one needs to hear that. If they are affected, they already feel enough turmoil without the stigma emitted from others. Because it affects some of my loved ones, my outlook has somewhat evolved.......

That's all I have to say about this.
 tlcme1964
Joined: 8/28/2009
Msg: 84
STDs
Posted: 3/20/2012 8:00:38 AM
Even if they knew I don't think many would check the box. Most meets & or dates never become sexual. A need to know basis would be prior to doing it I guess. You have to be self aware though since most don't even know they have them. I've had a few women want me to forgo using a condom because their tubes were tied, which is kind of a silly request nowadays.
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