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Joined: 4/24/2010
Msg: 101
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STDsPage 5 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
Well, I will admit I have herpes, I've had it since I was in my mid-20s. I've had several long-term relationships, disclosed it every time in advance of sex. Have passed it to one person who knew I had it, knew I had an active outbreak and insisted on having sex - I mean as in physically insisted, it wasn't like 'asking'. That was the first instance of physical force in that relationship, and later he tried to use that I'd given him herpes to guilt me into continuing to date him. I'm sure his story to subsequent girlfriends is that I never told him.

In every other relationship my partner has never contracted it from me even though we didn't use condoms for most of the relationship - I get signs in advance of the outbreak, so would just cease having sexual intercourse for a while. After 25+ years, I rarely get outbreaks and they are much less severe. At the time I got it, the doctor who diagnosed me told me that about 30% of the population had it, some didn't know and that I shouldn't feel obligated to tell others - I'd suffer from the stigma, and apparently what people didn't know wouldn't hurt them. I don't know what his motivation was, but I ignored that 'advice' anyway, and I can't say I've really suffered. I think maybe two guys in all those years were ever put off by it.

I would not put it on my profile; it is my business and the business of potential sexual partners, not for general information.
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 102
Posted: 10/13/2011 10:10:38 AM
People shouldn't be saying it out loud in the public that can definitely scare off a lot of people who don't even know about the kinds of std's. However it does need to be addressed if you are dating someone and things are getting to a sexual point or before that.

Personally I suffer from cold sores and it's very rare that I get them, I had one cold sore and never had any since mother's day this year.

Mind you I got test in June 2011 and I'm clean on everything else, except cold sores. And when you do get tested you get tested on everything else except herpes. Herpes you have to asked for that test separately.
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 103
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Posted: 10/13/2011 11:23:08 AM
I have always appreciated those women that had herpes, telling me in advance of any sexual activity. They are high on my list of those that I respect and admire for not thinking about just themselves first!...........

It should be a mutual choice with how the two of you deal with herpes, and/or any std. I am one of the lucky ones, and never have contracted any std, and god knows there were times when I was young and reckless, it could have happened, and I want to stay that way.

Even if you know when an outbreak is going to happen, and even if you take medication for it, herpes can shed itself without your knowledge and your partner could contract it, if their body is such that it could enter their system. Wearing condoms will not prevent skin to skin contact in many areas, so that will not be the way to prevent it.

I have lost some potentially awesome lovers and relationships because they had herpes, but I have gained some really good friends because they told me, explained their situation, and allowed me to decide if they were viable as sexual partners or not.

Joined: 5/22/2009
Msg: 104
Posted: 10/13/2011 11:32:21 AM
It is my understanding that anyone can have herpes and not know it. My doctor said the way most find out they have it is by an outbreak. She also said that most only get one outbreak and if there ever are more, they will never be as bad as the first.

It is interesting, but if you educate yourself on the topic, it is a lot less scary than it seems.
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 105
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Posted: 10/13/2011 11:55:09 AM
In the past, some years ago, the only real way to know was with an outbreak, and some are always bad, and some are less, and some stay dormant for years and years. I have some friends with it, and they had it bad enough that they had a C_section for child birth, in order to not pass it on to their child.

I have some friends that take medication for it, and feel the outbreaks coming and will isolate themselves until over. Some with significant outbreaks, that can be very painful, choose other ways to deal with it, but one thing for sure, it can be much worse for far to many to consider it lightly, like they do a cold sore on the their lips or in their mouth.

Now, saying all of this, they have a blood test that you can take, and it will tell you if you have herpes, what type, and what they suggest you do about it. It is just a part of the overall std blood testing that one should get before enjoying sex with a new relationship, and one that many of us have done often, to make sure that we are clean and healthy for not only our partners, but for ourselves, and this include HIV too!

Joined: 7/20/2011
Msg: 106
Posted: 10/13/2011 12:52:56 PM

I was on aSTD dating site but there isnt much to choose from lol.

You're exactly right --it's definitely another dating resource, but as for myself, it's quite difficult to find a guy with HPV by in looking to date someone with the same STD as me, it can be quite difficult to find someone who fits that description and THEN also have the relationship work out with them. I haven't had much luck with that so far. So I don't restrict myself from dating others without HPV -- I just have to prepare for rejection with those that don't already have it.

Those of you who make fun of it or critize you better becareful it only takes one mistake and you have it yourself.

Another good point -- people should definitely use protection to dramatically lower the risks, but even that doesn't completely guarantee that you won't get STDs such as herpes or HPV.
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 107
Posted: 10/13/2011 1:09:54 PM
Exactly RotationAxle

I've always used condoms and still practice safe sex but it is still not guaranteed that you won't get an std. I got cold sores from someone I was dating and had safe sex with her. People can still shred Herpes virus and not know it condom or not. Now if people don't practice safe sex they're more at risk of getting an std/ HIV compared to someone that uses a condom it reduces the risk of catching those.
Joined: 8/14/2011
Msg: 108
Posted: 10/15/2011 7:41:10 PM
She can smell sweet as cherry pie and still have herpes. Herpes is odorless. Anyone can have herpes and never have an outbreak. An individual can have herpes, not know and still transmit it. Condoms do not protect from herpes. You can have any type of herpes anywhere on your body, i.e. eyes, feet, and anus. You can't cleanse yourself from herpes if you have come in contact with the virus which is extremely virulent. Hence the 60% statistic. You can't pee it out either. It is a virus and once it is in your bloodstream through some microscopic lesion in your skin, it is there to stay until you die or they invent a cure, which is not likely to happen any time soon in the mega capitalist society we live in. Herpes generates gazillions of dollars in revenue for the pharmaceutical companies and it is not fatal. Great combo for those making the gazillions.
 Lil Brooker
Joined: 6/17/2008
Msg: 109
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Posted: 10/15/2011 7:55:36 PM
1) how did you get STD in the first place? ......says it all.
Im thinking sex

Duh. Your remark smacks of judgement.
Your facile answer does not say it all! More in depth:
A cheating partner who brought it home???
Multiple partners, no protection.
One time sex, no protection.
Blood transfusion.
"Dirty" needle.
Bad medical practise. At the moment, NS is informing clients of a certain clinic from which they may have been infected with HIV.
Joined: 8/7/2009
Msg: 110
Posted: 10/16/2011 8:19:44 AM
Well i hope people upfront will be honest about it if they have an STD that is not curable. but if you had one in the past that was curable by antibiotics there is no need to bring it up. no one needs to know. honestly with herpies you need to tell it up front, do not wait till your a few dates in and emotionally involved
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 111
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Posted: 10/16/2011 11:24:19 AM

but if you had one in the past that was curable by antibiotics there is no need to bring it up. no one needs to know.

It depends a lot on what you had and what your age is...
For example, you could have had an STI that was cured but may have done enough damage in the time you had it to render you infertile... So if kids are a plan for the future, that needs to be dicussed...
Hepatitis, can lead to liver problems later in life....
Also, HPV, can lead to death from cervical cancer years later...

So just because it's gone, doesn't mean it can't have lasting effects...
Joined: 9/27/2011
Msg: 112
Posted: 10/16/2011 12:58:16 PM
I agree with MrGordonGecko. The best way is to only have sex with a condom. When it get "real" serious, you must tell him. Or you can just continue using a condom. But that would be dishonest.

I would tell a person quite early in the relationship. But I always use a condom, anyway. Even when married, or have a live-in lover. I will never again fail to use a condom. I just want to be safe and I would hope my partner would feel the same. Relationship or not, use a condom. Married or not, use a condom.

Bottom line...tell him early "Listen, I don't know how far we are going to go, so I need to tell you something right now, before we go any further, I have herpes." Or some simular statement,

Good luck whatever you choose to to.

Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 113
Posted: 10/16/2011 1:37:48 PM
Pretzel I agree with you but I would say it early when there is enough chemistry to know weather your going to be sexual with them before a relationship might blossom out of it and see where it stands.
Joined: 8/7/2008
Msg: 114
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Posted: 10/23/2011 12:15:30 PM
Oh yes, I had an attorney that gave herpes to his wife...she took him to the cleaners in their divorce. I also had a high school chum whose mom left his father after he gave her VD! It is really scary out here with people not being honest about something this important, when they can go on dating sites for those with STDS. People need to understand that you don't have to sleep around to contract something, all you need is an unfaithful spouse or significant other. When I found out about my now ex husband's cheating, I stopped having relations with him on the spot and got myself checked out and threw his ass out! I divorced him and would do it again. Cheating is very dangerous; downright life threatening. Since I was not willing to risk my health and life by staying with him, I was GONE! I the nearest court and filed. I didn't want any spousal support or anything, all I wanted was for him to be OUT of my life.
Joined: 10/20/2011
Msg: 115
Posted: 10/23/2011 2:57:18 PM
I have a very close friend who ended up with an STD while we served together in the Army. He was emotionally devastated by it; for him, his life was over and he went on a rapid downward spiral for about 2 years. I felt bad for him; but, what can you really do, you can't make it go away.

He eventually did meet a woman though and they fell in love. His life went a complete 180 after that. He graduated from college and became a teacher and no they have a child together.

Having an STD can seem incredibly demoralizing; but, there is hope out there. Be honest about it; but, I feel it's one of those personal things you save for when you are having a serious conversation with someone; or maybe right in the middle of a funny one, to make it really awkward.
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 116
Posted: 10/23/2011 4:38:59 PM
I really wish there would be a "coming out" of STD's for everyone's sake. I think it's wrong that people are stigmatized for having a disease. Who cares if you got it from sex? You can have only had one partner and get an STD, or you could have had many and never had anything. Of course it's undesirable, but it's the same thing as having a regular disease and just passing it onto someone without any shame - WRONG. I am completely for a checkbox for STDs on POF or anything for that matter. If that would happen we could get closer and closer to eliminating some of these diseases, why is that a bad thing? How can people justify not saying anything about it, for one time of sex, when they can have the STD for the rest of their life? So I think of course we should make people aware, even on the out front. Anytime people have a contagious disease at school, it's obligatory to let others know.

The majority of people dating, eventually want to have sex, and as someone who does not have an STD, I would want to know before I even go out with the person so we don't waste each other's time. Do I think they're a bad person? No. We could still be friends. But if I'm looking for someone to be with, I'd rather not contract something that is going to be a nuisance to me and my sex life for many years. I'd applaud people who are honest about it, and I feel bad for anyone who is shamed because of it.
Joined: 8/21/2011
Msg: 117
Posted: 10/23/2011 5:12:49 PM
If anyone has an STD, then they have a responsibility to tell the person before they ever have sex with them. --PERIOD- with any one of std's, not just pick and choose. Then the person has the ability to protect themselves by not having sex or by their choice.

Joined: 11/2/2010
Msg: 118
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Posted: 10/23/2011 8:17:51 PM
Sometimes I just get scared to have sex because of all this. I am going to ask for a clean bill of health from now on with anyone that i am serious with. I do not have anything and I would like it to stay that way. I mean even something like HPV can cause cancer in guys and girls. In guys it causes throat cancer from oral sex. WTF??
Joined: 11/10/2008
Msg: 119
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Posted: 10/23/2011 8:41:35 PM
What year model?....I've had an XLT, GTO, and a GTX...........................................................
Joined: 7/13/2008
Msg: 120
Posted: 10/24/2011 1:17:48 AM
I've often worried about this kind of thing myself. I've always used protection, but sometimes that's not even 100 per cent. My doctor tells me first of all that herpes and cold sores are entirely different diseases and cold sores are only contagious when present. Also, you would definitely know if you had herpes, because the first outbreak is especially painful.
Joined: 1/24/2011
Msg: 121
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Posted: 10/24/2011 10:05:11 AM
A number of years ago, a man visited New Zealand from Kenya who had AIDS and passed AIDS to a number of young women, without letting any of his sexual partners know that he was infected and without protection. He gave them a slow death sentence. HE was convicted and sent to jail for a number of years...then he was deported back to Kenya and died. His death was reported in the newspapers. The deaths of those young women were never reported. Only one case...twelve young ladies infected. Lesson number one, don't put your hand in the fire...lesson number two....don't put your hand in the fire...lesson number three...don't put....well the picture is clear. Yet there is love and compassion in any relationship and those folks with an STD are surely entitled to that. A lady somewhere on POF has on her profile a note that she is HSV is there for all to see...and that courage is worthy of respect and all dignity. That aspect of honesty puts her a cut above the masses who claim beauty and humour and all of the other personal characteristics of wanting to be in relationship. Claims to honesty need to be backed up with truth.
Joined: 11/15/2011
Msg: 122
Posted: 11/20/2011 3:20:51 PM
that would be great if ALL dating sites had such a box. As someone who doesn't have any STD's, that is one of the single biggest scary things to me about dating. I think the honorable thing for people who have one to do is bring it up right away, though there are many who will not, and in fact, hope you won't ask. It's not fair for those who have one to expose their dates to their disease, assuming it's 'no big deal'. The ones already infected and coming to terms with it are always the ones who treat the issue so cavalierly and give the speech about how 70-80% of the population already has it to justify their lack of conscience about infecting the uninfected . You can't even kiss someone without risk of exposing yourself to herpes, and once someone has that, it can never be cured! Knowing this definitely makes me not in any hurry. It's awkward to ask, but absolutely necessary to know! To be safe, one needs to see those labs, not just take someone' s word for it, especially bc sometimes the infected person doesn't even know that they are carrying something .
Joined: 9/17/2011
Msg: 123
Posted: 11/20/2011 3:27:08 PM
Tell upfront, right away.
Everyone has a right to know about something that will affect their health, so they can make an informed decision on whether they wish to continue or not.
Joined: 12/17/2010
Msg: 124
Posted: 3/19/2012 4:37:18 PM
Herpes?! that should written clearly in your profile, no exceptions. You don't just wait to bring that stuff up until someone has messaged you or the first date.

"Hi, thanks for coming to meet me....Oh...and I have a confession, I have herpes". or god forbid right before you're about to have sex for the first time. I would leave immediately and be very angered at the person for not telling the truth upfront and wasting my time.

And you don't exactly want a guy that's going to be OK with it in the heat of the moment, because that indicates a high level of carelessness and irresponsibility, not to mention they themselves could have a much more dangerous STD they aren't telling you about. Even if they're OK with it, infecting an irresponsible person is just going to result in more people being infected by their irresponsibility if you don't stay together forever. You might do the right thing and tell them, but in the future they might not do the right thing with someone else.

Condoms do not stop the transmission of herpes in any meaningful way. Once you have herpes, there's no going back, you have it for life. No one can be that sure about spending their life with someone to take that kind of risk. So not only will you be giving herpes to someone else, you'll be ruining their sex life, or the sex life of anyone else they might come into contact with in the future. This is just very irresponsible.

It is not fair to try to attract people and then break the news of a life altering STD on them once they've dedicated any amount of time in pursuit toward a relationship.

If you're upfront in your profile, maybe you'll find someone else with herpes and then you won't have to worry about infecting someone. And yes, I'm sure they do have dating sites for people with herpes, and I suggest you try that out first because most people on here will pass you over, and for good reason. And the ones that don't pass you over and don't have herpes, are generally very irresponsible and careless people that no one wants to be with anyways.

I find it VERY immoral and irresponsible for a person with herpes to even be trying to have a relationship with people who don't have herpes, even if they do disclose it at some point before sex.

You shouldn't even be letting people make the decision for themselves of whether or not they will sleep with you knowing you have herpes. You're walking around with a 'loaded gun' and giving that 'loaded gun' to other people, and expecting them to act responsibly after they've contracted that 'loaded gun'. This makes you directly responsible for every person they might infect in the future.

I am not attacking you OP, I'm just trying to be stern to convey the seriousness of the situation.
Joined: 12/27/2011
Msg: 125
Posted: 3/19/2012 5:04:31 PM
"unme2011"- That is the MOST naive message I have read in a long time. You clearly know nothing about herpes. It can be controlled and you can easily have a healthy sex life and be safe. You should really do some research on this. I have a sister that got herpes from her husband. He had cold sores on his mouth...and in the begining of their relationship he managed to give it to her through oral sex. I personally find it sad how many people are ok with people who have "cold sores" twice a year or whatever on their lips..but as soon as my sister got it down there everyones like "OMG!" . Like she did something horrible. She doesn't sleep around, she was in a comitted relationship. What if she wasn't still with him? She would basically have to plan on living her life alone unless it was with another herpes person? You make it sound like all of these people did something horrible..or that you can't live a fantastic life with this person even though they have this. Getting to know the person for who they really are is more important. If you have feelings for someone then maybe you will realize this is something you can work with. There are medications that make it so theres maybe 1 outbreak a year. I can't believe for maybe 1 outbreak a year she would have no right to try to date...that just boggles my mind.
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