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 flowerforce
Joined: 9/6/2006
Msg: 49
Mentioning the ex: avoid it or be open about it?Page 3 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
It has been a long time since my ex and I parted. Sadly he died several years ago. If I am asked I talk about him. Why not he was a big part of my life for several years and I loved him at that time.
I think it is ok to talk about your ex S/he is a part of your history as a human being. Dissing an ex is another thing. We are all human beings and we all make mistakes our ex's and us as well. I get turned off when the man I am dateing talks disrespectfuly about his ex or when he blames. This is not the kind of man I am interested in being with. We all have our truth about why a relationship ends but it is seldom THE truth in my opinion. The truth lies somewhere in between.
So as long as I and he is respectfull I am happy to talk about ex's . It will often give me some insight into the fellow I am dateing.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 53
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Mentioning the ex: avoid it or be open about it?
Posted: 3/5/2007 7:31:27 AM
"Widows and widowers will have many memories and something precious that was taken from them. Natural they talk about their partner."

I think that it depends on how long a person has been widowed as to whether they talk about their ex spouse. If it has been many years since the death of their spouse, and they don't have children, and they have created a happy single lifestyle for themselves - then what they would be talking about is what they have done with their lives over the last decade.

Sure, a new person in their lives might ask: what did your spouse die of?, did you have a good marriage?, why didn't you have children? These questions can be answer with just a few words. To expect a widowed person years later to spend a lot of time talking about their late spouse might be boring for the widowed person. That doesn't mean that we didn't love our late spouses. It just means that we have talked about for a number of years, and then moved on with our lives.
 whitesburgwade1
Joined: 4/20/2006
Msg: 54
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Mentioning the ex: avoid it or be open about it?
Posted: 3/5/2007 9:50:54 AM
speaking of an ex on the first few dates is a no no in my book. It will come up if a frienship developes down the road. I've never even thought about my ex while on a date. Why would I ?
 ny_lady_13601
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 56
Mentioning the ex: avoid it or be open about it?
Posted: 3/5/2007 4:51:35 PM
Sometimes you just can't help bringing up an ex, afterall, they were a part of your life and you can't just erase it from your memory. Though wouldn't it be nice if there was a switch where we could erase things from our memory, especially if it involves bad memories. Talk of an ex will probably come up more often at the beginning of a new relationship and hopefully overt time the ex will be pushed to the back of the memory and you'll be making memories of each other together to replace the past ones. So there's nothing wrong with the occasional mention, as long as they don't use the ex name in regards to you...that hurts! During the last 6 months of my 6 1/2 yr marriage, my husband called me by his ex-wifes name....after 6 1/2 years he still didn't know who I was!
 botcher
Joined: 10/31/2007
Msg: 59
Mentioning the ex: avoid it or be open about it?
Posted: 12/18/2008 5:40:07 PM
Complaining about your ex to a date or potential date is dumb. Why burden them about your baggage. That's what friends are for!!!!
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 61
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Mentioning the ex: avoid it or be open about it?
Posted: 12/18/2008 6:29:13 PM
How about just getting over it! and moving on. You know you want to.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 64
Mentioning the ex: avoid it or be open about it?
Posted: 12/18/2008 9:29:13 PM
My second Ex really got twisted up when my kids would come up (they were grown, out of the house, but part of my life experience). For *him* they were evidence I'd been in bed with another man. . . . once upon a time, lol!

That said, everyone I've ever loved is part of who I am. I'm damn well not going to edit. It's been a good sorter, actually -- those who git twitchy about my having had others nearly never last long. Those who are easy and accepting -- good deal.

 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 65
Mentioning the ex: avoid it or be open about it?
Posted: 12/18/2008 9:56:39 PM

That said, everyone I've ever loved is part of who I am. I'm damn well not going to edit. It's been a good sorter, actually -- those who git twitchy about my having had others nearly never last long. Those who are easy and accepting -- good deal.


...You are a remarkable woman miss wooby...you're wisdom and intelligence amazes me.

...maeflowers
 blondblueyed
Joined: 8/23/2005
Msg: 66
Mentioning the ex: avoid it or be open about it?
Posted: 12/19/2008 6:37:51 AM
I agree with Star and Woobs, at our ages how in the world could an ex or exes not come up?? I would be a little interested in how someone has handled their past "loves" and how they talk about them. Just as I would about their family and how they grew up.
 theforumfiend
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 68
Mentioning the ex: avoid it or be open about it?
Posted: 12/19/2008 4:19:51 PM
"How about just getting over it! and moving on."

This thread is over 2 years old. There is only one person that has visited it every year. Maybe you are the one that needs to "get over it".

There have been some very good things said about how our past is part of what made us who we are today. I am the sum of the good and bad in my life. When the ex appears to dominate the present is when to be concerned.
 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 71
Mentioning the ex: avoid it or be open about it?
Posted: 12/20/2008 5:17:59 AM
I don't have an ex-husband to discuss, nor would I feel the need to discuss any men that I have dated in a negative light, but then I have not lived with anyone or been married, so I know I am in the minority for persons my age. I see red flags when someone dicussing his ex on a first date, since I do not think I have ever met a man who said anything positive about her (although most have said they are still in love with her and wish that she would dump the man or men she left them for and return to them). I really understand why dating can be such a nightmare.
 stevelfun
Joined: 10/23/2005
Msg: 72
Mentioning the ex: avoid it or be open about it?
Posted: 12/20/2008 5:48:28 AM
Occasional mention of an ex is fine.

HOWEVER, if every time you get together there is 'my ex...' this and 'the ex did...' that and talk of melancholy feelings... it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that they are not 'over' the ex.

My thoughts - if someone one is not ready for a relationship - they should not be using others as a proving ground.

It is one thing to hand out with friends and work/wait 'til you are over the ex - it is quite another to use some poor unsuspecting person as your personal plaything to get over the ex.

If you are honest and up front about it, tell the other and they are okay with it - that is something else. However, don't use someone to 'get over' someone else.
 tallyover
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 73
Mentioning the ex: avoid it or be open about it?
Posted: 12/20/2008 6:23:48 AM
After spending 30+ years with someone it has to come up. I try to stay away from comparisons, but the ex is part of my life story.

Anyone can figure out that past holidays, vacations, home purchases and more were done in partnership with an ex.

There's no need to mention specifics but I'm not in denial either. I find it uncomfortable to be with someone who divulges nothing about their past.
 Hechizos
Joined: 6/30/2006
Msg: 75
Mentioning the ex: avoid it or be open about it?
Posted: 12/20/2008 6:46:23 AM
You right ROB SA, besides talking about the ex is not such a big deal. Most people that stay away from the issue maybe are insecure about past relationships and don't want the other person to know that.

I personally have an amicable situation with the EX and the ones that are happy about it are the kids, makes their life easy in many ways.
 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 77
Mentioning the ex: avoid it or be open about it?
Posted: 12/20/2008 7:25:40 PM

I take as much meaning from what a person DOESN'T say as from what they DO say. I, personally, am curious about a person's ex, or at least their role in what went well and what didn't. If they refuse to say boo about it, I wonder what is being covered up. Not to say I harp on this, but I do want to know the backstory and what I get, even fragmentarily, better hang together, or I worry.



...I feel the same way. Ex's will come up in conversation initially, it's only natural. I have no problem with someone asking questions....and of course I too would have the same curiousity regarding his history....I certainly would not be giving him the third degree but on the other hand, red flags would go up if he was reluctant to speak of his past relationships.

When children are involved, there is bound to be some sort of interaction with an ex. Fortunately, I was able to maintain a very positive relationship with my ex husband's parents (my daughter's grandparents) even though I was divorced from their son prior to his passing. Even after 12 years, they still include me in all the family functions. Such wonderful people, it's no wonder my daughter adores her grandparents.

...maeflowers



 Sniper308
Joined: 10/21/2004
Msg: 78
Mentioning the ex: avoid it or be open about it?
Posted: 12/21/2008 2:29:30 AM
I take as much meaning from what a person DOESN'T say as from what they DO say. I, personally, am curious about a person's ex, or at least their role in what went well and what didn't. If they refuse to say boo about it, I wonder what is being covered up. Not to say I harp on this, but I do want to know the backstory and what I get, even fragmentarily, better hang together, or I worry.


Well, gee... maybe it's none of your ________ business. How's THAT?! If I wanted to hear about some woman's "ex" I'd bloody well ask about him. I don't, however, "want" to hear about him. Likewise, what happened in MY marriage or any other previous relationship is between me and that person. Get it in your head, you're JUST A DATE! You're not "entitled" to jack squat. I don't work for you, I don't owe you anything, and MY PERSONAL LIFE WITH SOMEONE ELSE IS "MY PERSONAL LIFE WITH SOMEONE ELSE." Private things are "private" for a reason; I realize we're living in a Godless society which lacks all sense of decency and morality... but, color me old-fashioned, what happened in my personal life before our first or 20th date or whatever is NONE OF YOUR __________ BUSINESS unless "I" choose to do so at a TIME of MY choosing. Got it?

Also... get over the _______ JFK-conspiracy "Well, he won't talk about _____, so 'something must have happened.'" Until you EARN "personal," you don't get to HEAR "personal."

God, I HATE nosey women! First chat, E-mail, phone call, meeting, whatever... EVERY time... "Sooooooooo, why did you divorce?" First, I think it's a STUPID question, since it ought to be clear you get divorced when the marriage isn't working out. Second... and once again, though I'm being redundant... IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS AND IT SURE AS HELL ISN'T "OPENING" CONVERSATION MATERIAL. It's not a matter of being "sensitive" about it, it's a matter of it being private and not open for discussion and CERTAINLY not in the early stages of getting to know someone!

You want to get into the personal aspect of a man's life? EARN it!
 Sniper308
Joined: 10/21/2004
Msg: 84
Mentioning the ex: avoid it or be open about it?
Posted: 12/22/2008 2:35:46 PM
Well, shucks howdy, bodypro8, I'm much obliged for the nice words.

I simply believe there ought to be (at a minimum) a modicum of decency during courting. For a stranger... or even someone you've only gone out with a few times... to start asking personal questions... I find invasive, uncalled for, and out of line. I know we live in an age when someone you've JUST met is suddenly a "friend"... but I don't operate that way. You have to earn friendship; at best, right off the bat, you're merely an "acquaintance." However, people have cheapened "friend" to the point that someone who has only said hello to you and perhaps engaged you in a conversation or two... is now your friend. I can't live that way; I can't stand it. I'm also damn particular about whom I choose to share a drink.

Anyway... I just think there are a LOT of OTHER things open for discussion, that aren't nearly so invasive and delving, that could be discussed in the early portion of the courtship process.

Merry Christmas, sir.
 canyunflyer
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 86
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Mentioning the ex: avoid it or be open about it?
Posted: 12/22/2008 3:11:26 PM
No need to go gettin' all specific about this. Its not in the 'what', but the 'how'. When any two (or more) people are gathered and interacting... I don't believe in making any subject taboo. I do believe there are always boundaries and good taste when it comes to behavior, though. thats really what we are all talking about.. behavior. Mentioning the (ex's) in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing. Its really about how and perhaps why we do it. For one thing... If anyone is still in the "hatey things" part of their process, they are not ready to be back in the game anyway. So they have allready made a basic violation before even opening their mouths. People who feel compelled to talk about their ex's (for whatever reason) are probably not ready for new relationships. We should be thankful for those who are so eager to reveal this fantastic information to us! Look how helpful it can be in simply ruling them off of our lists of potential candidates. ha ha! No need to feel angry, aggrivated or offended at all. If somebody is interested in my past I have no problem revealing it to them. I have nothing to hide. I am not the person who was in those old relationships anymore. Its been a long time since I have felt the compulsions to share all this, however. I am so grateful for that.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 95
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Mentioning the ex: avoid it or be open about it?
Posted: 12/23/2008 5:50:50 PM
"How totally boring. Is there nothing else people can think of talking about? "

Having been single for 16 years, my late husband hasn't been in my life for a long time. I have done lots of thing in the last 16 years. Please don't expect me to go back further and bore us both. I have thought enough about my marriage to last me a life time. I don't need to share especially with some I might never see again.
 Wh1te_Rabb1t
Joined: 7/3/2010
Msg: 105
Mentioning the ex: avoid it or be open about it?
Posted: 11/21/2011 8:07:24 AM
Since this discussion is old and moldy, I'd like to ask the Mods if we can resurrect this for some new feedback, since the shortened threads fill up with 21 replies in a couple days.

My spin on mentioning an Ex in anything - profile, e-mail, or otherwise...

One reference is NOT an 'Obsession' - anyone who thinks it is, has their OWN problems getting over someone. If you are truly 'over' someone, you can talk about them casually without pain.

Personally I don't carry any significant baggage with my Ex, but I do carry a lot of life experiences. We shared 15 years, 11 married. I can talk about her matter-of-factly without having an emotional reaction. I'm over her and consider her a big chunk of my past. My divorce wasn't fun, but it wasn't full of nasty things like restraining orders or dishes being broken - it went pretty quietly. I really don't have a lot of dating experience outside of that relationship.

She was the youngest of a large family, so I've experienced nieces and nephews growing into college, IN-law parents dying or cancer, discussions and plans for retirement, relatives in tax and legal trouble, all kinds of things from an extended family that is older and more mature.

I am the oldest of my family, so many of my life's experiences from my side are just staring out - weddings, babies, kids starting little league, all kinds of things that you'd experience with a younger generation.

How do you basically deny or ignore that huge part or my past? You don't. But apparently just mentioning 'The Ex' - those two little words - ANYWHERE - is a reason to break contact and run away. How do you talk about life experience with someone new by dancing around those two words? It seriously sounds like you're avoiding or hiding something when you do avoid them, and freaks people out when you DO use them. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
 yabunchabums
Joined: 11/12/2011
Msg: 106
Mentioning the ex: avoid it or be open about it?
Posted: 11/21/2011 10:31:45 AM
Mentioning exes is okay if the other person is okay with it. If they are not, then keep the thoughts to yourself or find a way to say what you want to say without making it about the ex. "once when I went to vegas, I..." rather than "once when --- and I went to vegas..."

I agree with others that the past should stay in the past, so don't make the other person feel like you would prefer to go back to it rather than making new memories with them.
 lotustemple
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 107
Mentioning the ex: avoid it or be open about it?
Posted: 11/21/2011 10:55:53 AM

How do you basically deny or ignore that huge part or my past? You don't. But apparently just mentioning 'The Ex' - those two little words - ANYWHERE - is a reason to break contact and run away. How do you talk about life experience with someone new by dancing around those two words? It seriously sounds like you're avoiding or hiding something when you do avoid them, and freaks people out when you DO use them. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.


Dude nothing kills romance faster than talking about your ex on a regular basis. Like sweetheart above says, learn to say "I" instead of "we". Oh and when you do feel the need to speak of her, refer to her as your "ex" not by her name.
 Wh1te_Rabb1t
Joined: 7/3/2010
Msg: 108
Mentioning the ex: avoid it or be open about it?
Posted: 11/21/2011 12:39:48 PM
Domo - you have a perfectly decent reason to avoid talking about your Ex. I'm sure others do, too. I know some peoples' past relationships were nightmare-ish, but not to the quantity of people that over-react as often as they do to the mention of the Ex.

What I mean is talking about the Ex in an abstract way - like vacationing with them - not saying when, where, or DEFINITELY not their name, but saying vacationing in general - it seems perfectly fine to say 'traveling with a woman', but it is horrid to say 'traveling with my ex'. If I already established that I was married for 11 years, how the hell does 'traveling with a woman' sound ANY better whatsoever?
 palmer f
Joined: 4/3/2008
Msg: 109
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Mentioning the ex: avoid it or be open about it?
Posted: 11/22/2011 10:03:05 AM

Not sure how Im supposed to talk about him. Mine was so abusive to the point that I have burn marks on my legs. Its like who is going to want me ? :( How do I tell someone that)


When it gets to that point Domo, you just tell them the truth. I would think that the guy you are with would be more than understanding of what happened with your ex.

I hate to think that you would be with someone that would be turned off by know what you went through with an abusive ex. If guy is, then he isn't the right guy for you.
 lotustemple
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 110
Mentioning the ex: avoid it or be open about it?
Posted: 11/22/2011 10:26:43 AM
Domo go talk to a therapist about what happened and how self-conscious you feel about it. When you get over it you are ready to date. Also talking about your ex's is bad form, whether you are bragging about them or complaining about abuse.

It's none of your new dates business. Tell them it was an accident and you don't want to talk about it. Period. Thats no different than the woman who feels the need to tell all her new dates that she was molested as a child. Once again get therapy and let your past be your past and learn from it. Good luck!
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