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Joined: 10/29/2004
Msg: 26
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What does my children come first mean to you?Page 2 of 13    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
Well, guess I am the only one who believes it takes a village to raise a child. I will correct anyone's and everyone's child when there is any threat of danger or destruction of property. If my son is in danger, I would hope someone would step in. If my son is spending time at another parents house, they have the right to correct him, as does as babysitter, teacher, adult friend and yes, my boyfriend. You can guarantee I trust my boyfriend as much as I trust a babysitter.

Since when does significant other signify LOVER? according to Merriam-Webster it is "a person who is important to one's well-being; especially : a spouse or one in a similar relationship" I would never have a "lover" around my children. I would have a long term boyfriend/significant other around my son.

Wether or not I am married to someone does not make that individual person more or less likely to abuse my child. There are real threats out there, but the media makes a mockery of every incident making it seem like it is widespread. There is also abuse in daycares, schools, homes, churches everyday, but because my boyfriend helps my child stay safe does not mean he is more likely to harm my child.
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 29
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/19/2006 4:11:30 PM
Kiashmiah (OP),

The truth is that I am not interested in the "dating scene."

Whenever I meet someone new, my oldest daughter (13) becomes emotional and always says "the same thing will happen to you as it did with dad" meaning that they will become non-existent in my life, and the "man" will be my only interest.

I think this does answer your original question. "Children come first" -- is an over-used cliche... what the heck is that supposed to mean? Getting to work supercedes going out on dates, just as tending to a child's fundamental needs does too!

Yes, many guys come to realize that they'll have less time than they thought with a woman they're starting to date, because of her children. I'm not ignoring that... but many single mothers aren't ready to date, either.

If you have issues with the dating scene, and feel pressure from your children about dating anyone, then definitely take that into consideration in how it's affecting you, which I think you are. I think those issues may lead you to not call a guy to let him know what's going on, because you are busy with children and other issues, and due to that -- your heart isn't into dating -- not that some guy's trying to SOAK up your time away from your children.

The guy was probably left hanging, but someone working 70 hours a week, or working and having kids, doesn't mean the other person "doesn't understand" -- sometimes, you're just too caught up in other aspects of your life that you're too mentally exhausted to "deal" with the dating scene.
Joined: 8/12/2005
Msg: 30
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 11/2/2006 3:10:55 PM

I think.....

the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with,

grow old with,

share everything with..

Should come first

I agree 100%. Yes when children are young, yes thier needs come first, but it doesn't mean they come first in your heart.

I really think that this idea of children always come first is a big reason people end up divorced.
Joined: 8/12/2005
Msg: 31
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 11/2/2006 3:14:02 PM

boyfriends husnbands etc they come n go
ur babies are forever tho

A boyfriend and a husband are worlds apart.

A husband or a wife is meant to be forever and should be treated that way.

If I were to ever marry a man with young children, I would expect their needs to come first, but I would also expect to tie for number 1 in so far as who was important to my husband.
Joined: 9/23/2006
Msg: 32
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 3/28/2008 10:34:42 AM
It would be a terrible world if parents didn't take care of and guard their children from harm. I don't think anyone wants to support a world like that, but that's not the point. Obviously parents feel that way about their kids and a profile is not the place to make such statements for those seeking a long-term, loving relationship.

If they state anything about their kids in a profile, women seem to write either "my children are the most important thing in my life" or "my children come first."

I am so sick of seeing this. It is a huge turnoff and I won't respond to a profile with statements of that ilk. In fact, it is starting to piss me off. I'm not upset that they feel that way: any good parent would. It’s that they are so out of touch with the rest of the world that they actually think this helps their situation.

Yeah…I want to enter a relationship where from the get-go I'm being marginalized and told that I will never be as important to her as other members of her family. The children come first statement insults the intelligence of all men. Ladies with kids: unless you are trolling for utterly stupid or emotionally defective men, you need to stop including such disclaimers in your profile. Disclose the fact that you have children and nothing more. You are reducing your prospects to men who either have problems or will be emotionally unavailable to you, in which case, you might as well advertise for an intimate encounter only. Think about it: you are putting up boundaries so huge from the onset through your infatuation for your children, any man who gets with you knows he’ll be such a low priority in your life that he only expects a relationship of convenience and probably won't become emotionally attached to you. Why should he? You are indicating up front that he will be distanced.

I’ve had some good relationships with women with kids who were realistic and didn’t approach it this way. If you are seeking a serious relationship, you need to be able to open up to a man in your life as a partner. As your love emerges, his love for you will expand to include love for your children. Men are protectors and they will eventually guard your children as an extension of you. If you are going to be in a relationship, you have to take this risk. He didn’t make your family, you did that with someone else, so it is even more imperative to breathe a little, live a little and create a space in your heart to welcome another on the same deep level that led to you being a parent in the first place.

Women, if you are not ready to be an equal partner with a man, be open to loving equality, drop the pretenses. Stop stating the obvious feelings you have for your children in your profile. If you truly want a long-term, focus on the man. The rest will follow.
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 33
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What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 3/28/2008 12:01:44 PM
To me it means that unless we get married the kids come first. I cannot ignore school projects, sporting events or dance recitals because I might have a date. Nor do I expect the man to miss anything his family or children have going on because of me, I am not jealous of any-one's kids. Being a parent does not work that way.
But since most males my age have children, it has never been an issue. If they cannot handle it then they are either not that interested in me or completely self absorbed.
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 34
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 3/28/2008 3:31:22 PM
My children come first means that if you have a HOT DATE, with a guy, and you spend all day getting your hair done, buying a new outfit, getting your make-up on right, getting the tickets, making reservations, and the kid gets sick, or the X-wife has to work, unexpectedly, or the kid gets into trouble with the law..... you will need to forgive him, because HIS KIDS COME FIRST, AND YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE. So, always have a back-up plan, just in case you are stood up.
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 35
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 3/28/2008 3:36:03 PM
I hope that guys are reading this also, because there are a lot of guys who write this in their profiles, too.
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 36
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 3/30/2008 5:25:14 AM
It means that she's laying the foundation for an excuse to get out of a relationship.
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 37
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 3/30/2008 10:16:37 AM
I think any reasonable man would expect his date to put her kids first, that goes without saying for any parent... BUT if she puts it in the headlines that's your first hint that her kids will be first, second, third etc and any guy that comes into the picture will have to wait in line forever.
 Reel Tyme
Joined: 7/16/2006
Msg: 38
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 3/30/2008 6:26:49 PM
it means your children are first period. now its up to the man to figure out if he is willing to deal with that. if he does he will find a way to spend quaility time with me on that one. he will get creative!
Joined: 3/20/2008
Msg: 39
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 3/31/2008 1:26:50 PM
If a guy can't handle a single mom or children, then he should totally not contact, message, or deal with single parents.

It's that simple.
Joined: 2/23/2008
Msg: 40
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/22/2008 1:37:25 AM
I agree........Kudos too you.....You are right!! Everyone is making a hugh deal over this and basically you have it RIGHT on the nose!! It is all balance and being there for your responiblities to these kids if they need you (when they do), But you can still have a ADULT life. Yes, your not completely single but it is not that you are saying you are second!! Sometimes the kids will be second!!
Well enough because this is a subject that is very simple, that has been made to be "way out there". I have done it and am doing it again. It is not easy , but it is very possible for every body to have a great life in balance.

Joined: 12/12/2005
Msg: 41
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What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/22/2008 3:19:47 PM
As a single dad who spends alot of time with my little girl I worry about that too I worry about taking time away from her for someone else but I also worry about winding up alone because i gave all of my time to her. I also wonder if I use it as a safety fence to keep from putting myself in a situation where I could get hurt. I dunno
Joined: 5/20/2007
Msg: 42
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What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 6/6/2008 10:07:46 AM
I have a feeling I'm going to get flamed on this one... I am one of the few who do NOT believe children should come first. True, children are a part of your life from the moment of conception, however, once they grow and leave the nest, if you've neglected your s/o, then they too will eventually end up leaving as well.

Children learn from example. If the parents focus on them All the time, and put their spouses second or later, then the children learn to do that, and often have poor relationships, and don't respect their mates, when they become adults. We all understand that things come up; sickness, activities, emergencies, and such, but thats where both partners should be supportive equally.

I prefer to find a mate who puts their s/o first, and partners evenly with caring for the kids. And I suppose that is why I either look for a partner with older kids, or none at all...

If you don't have the time for your s/o, because of your kids' events, sickness, sports, and such, maybe you need to put 'finding a mate' on the back burner, until you can get your own life in order. Otherwise it's not fair to the other person, always getting left out. Eventually that left out feeling will grow into resentment and un-support, and then you are back to fishing in the pond for a new one...

Men and women each need to feel important and wanted. I've found that Men don't necessarily have a problem accepting someone else's children, but they have their own emotional, physical, and mental needs as well. If one's life is too 'busy' to share with someone else, then perhaps you need to focus on what is most important to you at the time, and look for someone once your current priorities and obligations are not so much of an importance...

Chapman, Kansas
Joined: 7/26/2006
Msg: 43
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 6/6/2008 10:27:31 AM
I honestly think they're hiding behind their kids when they make such a statement. You've chosen that option "kids" in your description and maybe even written that you have a couple or whatever number and given their ages. That's enough!!!! I get it! To say more means I'll likely hear many excuses about how you can't do such and such because of the kids.... I'll probably get some of that anyway, which is to be expected but by making the "comes first" statement I'm thinkin' I'll get a whole lot thank you.
Joined: 6/26/2007
Msg: 44
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 6/6/2008 11:58:16 AM
My children, three all over eighteen, one still at home, do come first.

I want to spend time with them, I want to share experiences with them, I want to
hang out, goof off, watch movies, go climbing with them... they are my children
after all, and really cool, loving, intelligent beings also ...

I have a giant capacity for love ... I have enough love to share with all of the people
in my life ...

Seems to me that loving your children does not equate to loving someone else less ...
those that may think that may also see the glass of life as half empty instead of half full ....

Just my thoughts here ...
 dead account
Joined: 4/13/2007
Msg: 45
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 6/6/2008 12:03:38 PM

What does "my children come first" mean to you?

Any man or woman with half a brain understands that a sick child or a crisis needs to be handled, HOWEVER... When I see that quote in a woman profile, I just move right along because to me this clearly is stating ( too me ) that the man will always be second seat. I've seen too many cases where a man marries into that situation only to find himself beside the dog and the cat in the pecking order of things. .. No body, man or woman should be second seat to a child. Again I will state that any person with half a brain will realize and understand that a the welfare of a child comes first but beyond that...
 dead account
Joined: 4/13/2007
Msg: 46
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 6/6/2008 12:08:41 PM
I do want to add to my previous post that I'm not speaking about school functions, activities and the everyday responsibilities that goes along with raising children...

In fact the last lady I dated had two children and I went along to the school functions and activities... loved it and the children appreciated me for being there.
Joined: 8/7/2008
Msg: 47
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What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 8/27/2008 5:38:30 AM
i think that your children should come first. single parents area package deal. the man i met here and since went on a date with has 12yr old. daughter. no way would I remotely feel first in his life no matter how long we date or have a relationship.
Joined: 5/2/2005
Msg: 48
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What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 8/27/2008 9:20:28 AM
to fishbill
show how much you understand his disappointment because the date was cancelled, a good blow job really helps.
Joined: 3/1/2008
Msg: 49
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 8/27/2008 10:37:51 AM
it is not a wonderful solution but it works. make plans to watch a movie and have some take out during the children's sleeping hours and invite them over. if you don't feel comfortable then you shouldn't be dating them anyway.
single mom of an autistic boy who still wears diapers at 5 years old and a 2 year old girl.
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 50
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 8/27/2008 2:20:04 PM
"My children come first" means that the kid(s) come first, as well they should. I've dated a couple single fathers. The first was narcissistic and didn't make his children the priority that he should have; the second was a fabulous father. If a crisis came up with his daughter, which it did on rare occasions, then that naturally took precedence over whatever plans we had (though it also helped that his daughter and I got along great--she still e-mails me sometimes since I've moved).

Part of the reason that worked out so well for us in the latter scenario is that he had half custody of his daughter; I can't imagine trying to date someone with near full custody, since it would involve constantly planning around the kids. Some people can handle that, some can't; as long as you're up front about it, and explain exactly what it means to your relationship with someone, I don't understand why it would become an issue later.

Dating a parent is a really quick way to see where someone's priorities are, too. One of the reasons I felt good when starting to date the really good father is because he prioritized his daughter properly, and never whined about "having" to do things with her. He truly enjoyed their time together, and someone who treasures his time with his child is likely better equipped to appreciate and commit to me as well.
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