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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > What does "my children come first" mean to you?      Home login  
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 dya91101
Joined: 3/3/2008
Msg: 51
What does my children come first mean to you?Page 3 of 13    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
I have dated guys with kids and I know that the kids come first. That's the way it is and the way it should be. I am not a parent but I understand. You have to have a little bit of patience especially if you are into the person. It can be a delicate situation but well worth the wait, if that is the case.
 scarred_by_love
Joined: 12/12/2008
Msg: 52
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What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 1/12/2009 10:29:57 PM
In order to have a successful relationship time must be sorted out to have a personal life as well as a life with the children. Time management may not be your best gift in the world but I do believe that if someone is serious about a relationship they will do almost everything in their power to make time for their significant other especially in the beginning of a relationship.

It's not that people can't understand you dissing your appointment for your children but it can be a turn off if it happened very soon into the relationship. Reason being is well they aren't getting enough attention and well being a partner in every relationship needs to feel at some point valued. Early on it's ideal that you spend as much time as possible with the person to make sure time isn't being wasted. Also, when single and having no children of their own, people tend to think of not being ready to take on the responsibility of being a father figure. It can be very hard to turn a grown man into a father or role model when they aren't ready to be one. It's also easier to diss someone who just started a relationship than it is to have actual feelings involved and then parting ways. In other words, you might be jumping in a little early to a relationship and not building those feelings. If a person doesn't have this crazy attraction towards you, it's much easier for them to move on to something more convenient for their needs, and desires. It's much harder to separate those when in love or in a long lasting relationship built from friendship.
 Ender330
Joined: 4/23/2006
Msg: 53
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What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 1/16/2009 1:33:23 PM
Really you have ZERO importance in the life of a women with children until she lets you meet her children. Up until that point...she can and will write you off like the alphabet.

Some men without children just don't understand and really you can't expect them to either.

At the same time things happen that can make a guy think again before dating someone with kids. A women should always put her children fist...very true...at the same time she should not cripple her social life or education either. Because the children will grow and take to flight...and live their lives and then you will have more time for dating when you are say in your middle to late 40ies.

Just today I called a girl I had met recently...to find out what her plans are for the weekend. She never said hello...just in a rush said, "hey i'm feeding my kids, i will call you back" and then hung up. She won't call me back for sure and she has no idea who I was. Me knowing how it is feeding kids can understand and I will call her another day. But for a guy with no kids...chances are he wouldn't even bother to call ehr back because he probably thinks that if she did this on my second time calling her...it will only get worse.
 grkboy
Joined: 3/20/2008
Msg: 54
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 1/16/2009 2:06:54 PM

At the same time things happen that can make a guy think again before dating someone with kids. A women should always put her children fist...very true...at the same time she should not cripple her social life or education either. Because the children will grow and take to flight...and live their lives and then you will have more time for dating when you are say in your middle to late 40ies.


I agree with you here, but coming from the standpoint of having a few single moms as friends, I can tell you many of them don't see it as "sure I'll wait".

Many of them are fearful of men seeing them as "old" or "over the hill" when they reach that point they are more free to date. Some are scared they will miss out on the possibility of that nuclear type family and to have more kids...so they are out running around trying hard to find what they call "a good man" in as quick a time as possible.

It's not even a search for a meal ticket, but just the need to not lose what they think is precious time and youth by waiting.

Still, I think if said single parent has such a busy life of work, parenting, etc...that they can't make time for a guy (and yet the woman wants to date) then maybe she should put it all on hold for a while until the kid or kids become less "high maintenance".
 Cogie36
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 55
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What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 1/16/2009 3:09:36 PM
There are alot of single parents these days both men and women......and in my opinion.......any good parent will understand what children coming first means.....and if they dont.....they can keep fishing.....
 grkboy
Joined: 3/20/2008
Msg: 56
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 1/16/2009 4:25:50 PM

here are alot of single parents these days both men and women


That's a funny thing in that the single moms I know, some of them are seeking out a single dad...simply so he understands her life as well as a hopefully guaranteed man who loves kids and family.

However, they go on the dating sites and notice there are loads of single moms, but not dads. So they ask "where are all the single dads? it takes two to make a baby after all!"

Do you think that a lot of the single dads in some ways hide that they have children, since most of the time the children are living with the mother?
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 57
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What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 1/16/2009 9:04:40 PM
Ok maybe I can give you an unique veiw here.

My parents divorced when I was young. Both always told their partners "my children come first". Both meant very different things by it.

My mother meant "you have to be worth introducing to my daughter and understand my $$ goes for her needs first". This meant if I was sick, having a teen crisis, or needed new shoes, that was her priority. She used it to screen dates( she had primary custody).

My father used it as an excuse to not spend a lot on his dates but spoil me on our visits. He used it as an advertisement for his "good guy" status. He used "my kid comes first" as an excuse to buy nice things for the kid, but not go overboard or spoil the women(not a typo) he was dating. He used single parenthood as a lure(he only had custody on school vacays).

Now not saying most or all single parents do this. Just saying that since there is such a difference in how this term is used....... could be why some are ok at first and are not so ok when it effects them personally. If you share custody w/ your kids, they may think you put them first and are shocked when the kids are home and they take second fiddle. Or may have past experience w/ a single parent that has done the above. JME
 ColonelIngus
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 58
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What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 1/28/2009 11:26:55 PM

Just who are they trying to convince that they are good parents?

To me it sounds like they're looking for a pat on the head from their own parents (i.e., the grandparents), like they have guilt issues when considering maybe going on a date when they should be at home helping little Johnny with his homework, or something like that. They certainly don't seem to use the phrase with any inkling of its possible effect as full-strength man repellant.

Back to the search for a woman who says she puts her kids no higher than fifth or sixth on the list...
 TOMic bomb
Joined: 10/5/2008
Msg: 59
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/13/2009 7:03:03 AM
diamond girl says
This is an automatic delete for me. Just who are they trying to convince that they are good parents? Certainly your children are important, but how would you like to be put on a list of importance?


you have a valid point. a very valid point. women who put this on your profile listen up.

i can't for the life of me understand why it's on soooo many female profiles. i don't look at male profiles so i don't know about them.

it's such a huge huge huge cliche'. it's redundant. it's laughable after a while. what is it a law or something that you have to state it? here you are Mr. Right, get at the end of the line and take LEFTOVERS.

it's a given that your children are important to you. but the same ALMOST EXACT PHRASE over and over in female profiles to the point of nauseum. it's like some of you put it on there and it's original. stop please!!!!!
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 60
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/22/2009 1:36:00 AM
Your kids are the center of your universe, good for you, better for them;
 Street King
Joined: 5/25/2008
Msg: 61
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/22/2009 3:30:50 AM
terminallycute,

I think you're so RIGHT.
 Street King
Joined: 5/25/2008
Msg: 62
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/22/2009 3:48:09 AM
magicallaroundme,

Right on. You are dead on. I couldn't have said it better myself.
 anishinaabeikwe
Joined: 3/13/2009
Msg: 63
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/22/2009 9:26:46 AM
My children come first means that my responsibility as a parent - a GOOD parent is to put them at the top of my priorities. They are MY responsibility and I am obligated to care for them, guide them and be a good role model for them.

How much time a parent must spend being a parent depends upon the age of the kids and the personalities involved. Some kids need more time and attention than others, some kids are naturally mature and can handle themselves better and they make better choices.

I could die a rich person, the money I leave behind could be used to build a library with my name on it. But ultimately - the REAL legacy I will leave behind is my children. A building or foundation is a wonderful thing - but humans are the ones who truly make a difference in society and have the power to change the world in both large and small ways. For the short period of time that I am needed as a parent - I choose to raise kids that will be an asset to society rather than a burden to it.

Thankfully - I think this type of value system has made it possible for me to have more time to do things I enjoy, I'm not so worried about my kids because I have spent the time parenting and teaching them respect for themselves and others and responsibility.

It works for me...
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 64
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/22/2009 9:55:47 AM

My children come first means that my responsibility as a parent - a GOOD parent is to put them at the top of my priorities. They are MY responsibility and I am obligated to care for them, guide them and be a good role model for them.

But why would one put that in their profile? That's the real question, as others on here point out.

Personally, I think some women may say it as the cliche that it is with nothing to read into behind it (hey, lots of profiles have cliches).

But as some posters point out, it can be a red flag. You should already obviously have them as your top priority. It's not the exception, it's the rule, so why come out and say it? Did you not earlier, but you do now?

Analogy:
"My job comes first". It does, and for just about everyone, too. I'm not going to screw over a deadline because a gal would want a date at an intervening time. I set a date at the right time, with my current working situation in mind, and it works out. If some emergency comes up at the last moment I'll have to postpone a date IF such a coincidence occurs (usually later in the day or the next; like one who has a kid would do). A sane person's obviously not going to sacrifice their job for dating. A sane person's obviously not going to sacrifice their kid for dating.

But what happens if I say "My job always comes first!" in my profile? One may assume I'm obsessed with it beyond what's healthy for me, dating is just something someone convinced me I should do, and I'll think less of them. Technically, for everyone it does come first - duh. But saying it outright in a profile can mean "look out, dating's 2nd on my agenda if that".

Everyone knows there are such things as over-bearing moms... who will cry if they're away from their toddler for too long (over 10 hrs) and all that. It's not a question of priority for the kid, but their comfort level themselves... and hey, they're not ready to truly date until they themselves get comfortable. Guys will assume that line, unnecessary to say like one's job coming first, could mean that.

And no, I'm not against dating single mothers at all, it's just a point of view to consider.
 anishinaabeikwe
Joined: 3/13/2009
Msg: 65
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/22/2009 11:37:57 AM

azureorb said:
But why would one put that in their profile? That's the real question, as others on here point out.

Personally, I think some women may say it as the cliche that it is with nothing to read into behind it (hey, lots of profiles have cliches).

But as some posters point out, it can be a red flag. You should already obviously have them as your top priority. It's not the exception, it's the rule, so why come out and say it? Did you not earlier, but you do now?


I don't mention my kids on my profile, it's more af a protective measure than anything else. I also think - like you - that children should be (and are in most cases) a priority to a parent. Whether that parent is the custodial parent or not.

Admittedly, people have a variety of different ideas (and ideals) as far as parenting goes. I think people who feel the need to put something in their profile regarding their parental role are people who have experienced or witnessed others who as less focused on the parental role and behave in a more selfish manner regarding their own wants and needs. Face it - the news is rife with stories about Mothers who leave their children to die in the car during the summer so that they can get their nails done. Or stories about children being abused by Mommy's boyfriend for crying too much while left in his care. I'm not saying that this is the NORM - but it is a big fear for most parents.

There are also a lot of people who expect a parent to set aside the kids for the relationship - they may have different ideas about parenting or they may have issues about having to 'share' their love interest with the kids. When kids are involved, even if they aren't really in the picture at that point in the relationship - a parent can't just come and go as they please. There are arrangements that need to be made and if the kids live with that parent, the home may not be open to the new guy/gal until the relationship is solid and the time comes to involve the kids. Some people just don't understand that and it's easier to state it up front so the people who may be interested know where you're coming from before it becomes an issue. Or so that the perspective 'date' has the option of weighing out whether or not they want to become involved in a relationship with a parent.

I think the best way to go about it - especially if some one is interested, is by talking to the person and getting a better idea about how that particular person balances their parental role with their personal/dating life.
 JoeRossman
Joined: 9/17/2008
Msg: 66
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/22/2009 2:31:12 PM
It means he will always come in last place with you. It means, he will usually not have any one on one time with you. It usually means "don't get mad, ever, when I break the date that you bought $80 tickets to tonight."

Yes, your children are important to you! That is a given and more than understandable. But when you make a comment like that in your profile or to a man, you are telling him that he is way down there at the bottom of a pool and that he isn't important.

Let him know he will be important too but to understand that you have children and they may come along sometimes on a dinner or movie date. That simple.
 TOMic bomb
Joined: 10/5/2008
Msg: 67
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/26/2009 9:37:41 AM
children are very important in any relationship. but sooooo many women have the EXACT same thing on their profile.

i see it as a useless annoying cliche'.
it's like if a man puts on his profile "i eventually want to have sex with you and i'll want it quite often". it's a given.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 68
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/26/2009 10:16:55 AM
anishinaabeikwe,

The news is rife with stories about Mothers who leave their children to die in the car during the summer so that they can get their nails done. Or stories about children being abused by Mommy's boyfriend for crying too much while left in his care. I'm not saying that this is the NORM - but it is a big fear for most parents.

It can be -- but society is not rife with it. News is. Women aren't in position to have to prove themselves that they don't do those sorts of things. As much as a kid locked in the car, I hear more about a bank robbery. Should I say on my profile "Not stealing is my #1 priority!"? ;)

Some people just don't understand that and it's easier to state it up front so the people who may be interested know where you're coming from before it becomes an issue.

I think you're ignoring the bigger picture. I understand WHY they say it.

But the understandable reactions from people who read it is what is being ignored and the WHY behind that.

If a woman says "I love and take great care of my kids", and in the interests column have something referring to activities with kids, that's great.

To say "My children come first!" is like me saying "My job comes first!" You'll get the same reactions from the reader: Why did they have to say that? Obviously, they MAY be one of those people who put dating on a LOW priority because they're consumed with thoughts with the other (job or kids).

Hey, I dated a woman before who was obsessed about her toddler. She came right out and said it... and she knew she had a problem and that many mothers have that, but felt it'd be best dealt with after the child grew up some. She saying the "My child comes first" on her profile if she were online, would be a good thing (and an extra sentence or two of more detail).

BUT, many women who think that it JUST means "I take great care of my kids", and aren't one of those "I'll never make 5 minutes of time for my personal life, that's not caring for my kids" or "If my child wants a blue shovel instead of a green shovel, I'm cancelling any date so I can run out to find one", then NO, they shouldn't.

Some mothers aren't ready to date in a healthy way, but want to make themselves available -- that's fine... and I think think "My child comes first", re-stating the obvious would be a good fit. Some mothers have been a mother for a while and have found a comfort zone in their life where they can date and have a personal life -- and in that sense, throwing out the line that DIRECTLY implies "you come last" is unnecessary.

If we lived in a society where MOST mothers didn't care about their kids and left them hanging, that'd be one thing. We don't. In the dating world of course guys dont like dead-beat moms! The concern many guys have is about the velcro-moms, though. Women are putting up profiles for them to view, right? If a gal lived in a town where there were many dead-beat moms -- yes, that' d be the exception.

I think a woman can say "I'm at a point in motherhood where I can make time and happily have a personal life and date, but I always take great care of my kids and enjoy spending my free time with them".
 ForumsGee
Joined: 2/26/2009
Msg: 69
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/26/2009 11:02:15 AM
The question you ask (to me) means that You dont infringe on any time they have with their child/children. It means that they will spend weekends doing things with the children and leave you standing, waiting to be let into the closeness they have even though they tell you they love you and cant remember you ever not being in their lives. It means listening to the vacation plans, going to Italy, France, Hawaii with her and no plans made for you to spend away time together, It means seeing doggy bags from expensive restaurants - where He took the child to eat. It means the child was "dated' more than I was. It means not touching anything belonging to the child or even a frown when entering the child room to admire the new toys and clothing bought for that child. It means having pictures of the child everywhere even at the side of the bed ( at sleep overs)

It means that I never got to meet the child after almost a year of dating....

It means that we broke up !!!
 Out_of_the_Ash
Joined: 3/1/2009
Msg: 70
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What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 1/18/2011 1:48:39 PM
It means that you'll be playing second fiddle.

I don't think I could get involved with a man who has kids. I don't want any of my own (am getting my tubes dealt with in february) and I feel that a man who has kids probably still has contact with his ex which complicates the situation depending on their friendship or lack thereof. If she is a crazy ****, that's just too much drama. If they still hang out for the benefit of the kids (holidays, birthdays etc), that's just not something I really would want to deal with. Too weird for me.

I like a clean slate, and to be the priority in my mate's life, as he would be mine.
 JerseyGirl2008
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 71
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 1/18/2011 4:22:21 PM
Hey - I'm older than dirt and there are men my age with 6 and 7 year old kids. There's no way in Hell I'd get involved with that. My years of "I can't see you tonight because I'm helping junior with his homework" or "I can't go out tonight because I don't have a sitter" are done - and have been for a long time. I don't care to re-live that all over again at 52 years old. I'd expect to do it at 35, but not my age.

Anytime I see that ridiculous, overused cliche, "my children come first," in a guy's profile, I hit the back button so fast it isn't even funny.
 ComplekCity
Joined: 1/17/2011
Msg: 72
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 1/21/2011 2:03:29 PM
Of course a parent's children should come first BUT it's been my experience that the type of woman to write this has translated to :

Be warned : my kids take up most of my time so be content to have only the crumbs .
 SweetnessInFlorida
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 73
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 1/21/2011 2:32:05 PM
I would guess that they prioritise their childrens well-being over other things?
I know i do. I put my children first. Their well-being is my priority.
I dont really WANT to get up at 7 am, but i do because i have to drive my children to school, thus putting them first, if thats a good enough
example.
And amazingly enough i have been married to a wonderful man, had great times dating some great men, and have a wonderful boyfriend, whom i do make time for and is a very important person in my life and just like my children, is a priority in my life.

When i hear of people not putting their children first i think of badbreeders.com.
If you want someone with kids, but that does not put them first, plenty of pickins over there!
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 74
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 1/21/2011 7:01:27 PM

It means I wouldn't dream of distracting you from them for even one second.

Good one.

What it means is if you go on a date, he/she will be phoning or texting the babysitter every 15 minutes, just in case there's an "emergency" and the time spent with you is just time filler. If the date finds out that Bratley sneezed, the date will immediately end and the parent will rush home to take Bratley to emergency at the hospital, leaving you wondering and thinking "what the hell was that?" Too many breeders are totally paranoid about possible emergencies and are totally consumed from the fear. They become placenta-brained.
 xlr8ingmargo
Joined: 1/4/2011
Msg: 75
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 1/21/2011 7:34:29 PM
^^^ Pretty much to me it means Im not ready for a relationship and all you'll be is a baby sitter, house keeper, and FWB~ thats why I dont date guys with kids at home.
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