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 barnabyjames1
Joined: 1/11/2013
Msg: 101
What does my children come first mean to you?Page 5 of 13    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
Meaning= You'll NEVER be #1 in her life, probably not #2 either. Her kids will always come first. I'd pass.
 tirelessspirit365
Joined: 8/6/2011
Msg: 102
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 3/9/2013 11:49:31 PM
I agree...there's nothing wrong with kids coming first! They should and if you don't like it...move on. That's what the guy I'm seeing said...and I said...great! They should ...as should mine! :P
There's kid time though...and adult time people...make time for both! ;)
 afarmenian
Joined: 1/26/2013
Msg: 103
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 3/10/2013 12:08:44 AM
Just means you wont be sending the little monsters to some foster parent until 3rd or 4th date
 NikonGuy007
Joined: 4/1/2012
Msg: 104
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What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/5/2014 1:50:54 PM
It never ceases to amaze me how self-righteous and oblivious a lot of mothers are.

I was in a relationship with a woman with a 5 year -old. She never made any stupid (obvious) statements like the whole, "MY CHILDREN COME FIRST!" nonsense. We never had any problems on that front.

How refreshing it would be to read a woman's profile that read something along the lines of:

I am a mom to a 4 year old and a 9 year old (and everything that that entails). They do have grandparents, and I have reliable child care, so while I am not "footloose and fancy free", I know that I am capable of providing high-quality companionship and attention to a realistic and worthy man............................."

I read something like that, and I am half way to love.

As opposed to:

I have 3 kids and my kids ALWAYS come first, and if you don't like it..........................blah, blah, blah.
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 105
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/5/2014 2:04:05 PM
What does my children come first mean to you?


It means you're children come first, and the BEST a guy can hope for is to come second. But more likely will be 3rd or 4th.


Many men "claim" to not only understand that aspect of my life but even state that they "support" it as well.


People say lots of things they think they mean, or even don't mean , especially when they hope for the best and/or have ulterior motives.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 106
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/5/2014 2:57:05 PM
NikonGuy007...you are absolutely 100% correct illustrating the "alternate approaches" a single parent can take.
Something along the lines of the example you shared would be perfect and shows a person to be well-grounded.
When reading the second screechy one, it typically feels like nails against a chalkboard to me. Ouch!
 drinkthesunwithmyface
Joined: 3/27/2012
Msg: 107
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What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/5/2014 4:40:54 PM
(What does "my children come first" mean to you?)

I would just sensibly take this to mean (not with every profile of course) that she isn't going to forsake or neglect certain needs of her children just for a selfish desire to have a date with you...she isn't going to let you into their lives before she really knows you...she isn't going to begin to organize and plan things according to your preferences if your suggestions show that you don't respect her parenting responsibilities, and certainly if they place the children as a second priority...you do not get any prerogative on matters of her parenting, the children are not your business, at all...

When they state this in their profile (again, not true of all of these), while you might think that they're stating the obvious unnecessarily, there are differences between parents as well as the attitudes of the people that they run across as prospective dates...it is important to set things straight.

Sure, you might suggest that she needs to create some possibility for "doing for herself" and not just her children. But, that's her decision, not yours. Sure, you might not like the fact that a parent is less available, and that you'd need to have more patience and revolve your efforts around her responsibilities in order to date a parent. But, as some of these parent's profiles suggest, if you can't work with that, then move the hell on. You almost don't even have a right to complain about this. You don't like it, then simply move on indeed. Next.

If I were a parent...while I'd need to be trying to find a way to "make it happen" if wanting to date, and I'd need to be considerate of the needs of potential dates as much as possible otherwise...my parenting responsibilities are no joke and the job of a true parent is not easy, and if a woman did not absolutely respect my prerogative as a parent, and just the fact that it is my prerogative and no one else's, then she would need to f-ck right the hell off. Period.
 ryuoki
Joined: 11/15/2013
Msg: 108
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What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/5/2014 5:44:45 PM

I would just sensibly take this to mean (not with every profile of course) that she isn't going to forsake or neglect certain needs of her children just for a selfish desire to have a date with you...she isn't going to let you into their lives before she really knows you...she isn't going to begin to organize and plan things according to your preferences if your suggestions show that you don't respect her parenting responsibilities, and certainly if they place the children as a second priority...you do not get any prerogative on matters of her parenting, the children are not your business, at all...


This is how I like to believe they intend it for the purpose of meeting and eventually dating. I would hope they would not play favoritism. No one wants to be left out in the cold. I certainly don't play favoritism in a relationship and love everyone in the family as equally as possible.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 109
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/5/2014 9:36:47 PM
kiashmiah- Children don't ask to be born, we do that.
Men and woman are different.
Ask a man what it's like to be a father, he'll say that's my boy or that's my girl.
For a woman, it's your heart, living outside of your body.
If you are lucky, very lucky, you will find the one in a million man that gets it.
 the_regency
Joined: 12/20/2013
Msg: 110
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/5/2014 11:10:54 PM
Wow, I just read the first 12 posts of this thread and was seriously impressed with how intelligent the posts were back in 2006, especially #12. Were people smarter back then opposed to now due to the dumbing down of America or did the POF forums have a brighter clientele? Why are the forums cut off from the original site and the greater population? Was this originally a site with brighter daters?
 ryuoki
Joined: 11/15/2013
Msg: 111
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What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/6/2014 10:05:52 AM

For a woman, it's your heart, living outside of your body.


Not every time. Women have been known to kill their own children.



If you are lucky, very lucky, you will find the one in a million man that gets it.


We are out there, we are just over looked for the more exciting drama filled model who doesn't.



Wow, I just read the first 12 posts of this thread and was seriously impressed with how intelligent the posts were back in 2006, especially #12. Were people smarter back then opposed to now due to the dumbing down of America or did the POF forums have a brighter clientele? Why are the forums cut off from the original site and the greater population? Was this originally a site with brighter daters?


They took the forum link off the dating side of the site back in 2012 I think it was. Did it reduce the number of intellectuals, not likely. Maybe you read more into the first 12 posts than you did some of the later. There are 12 pages of posts, I am sure there are golden nuggets scattered through out. In another decade, come back and view these forums. Maybe then, when the current grade schoolers are on this site and possibly able to find the forum then see if the dumbing down of the educational system had an impact. Many here grew up before the "No child left behind" program in place that seems to automatically pass them regardless. Only the youngest posters (somewhere between 18 and 25) fall into that category as having had the biggest chunk of their school lives spent in it.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 112
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/6/2014 10:30:54 AM
It means being single for a very long time-probably the rest of your life, if you give people that warning chant.
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 113
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What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/6/2014 7:29:42 PM
OP, it sounds to me like you just don't have the time to hold down a regular relationship. And that's not ONLY because of your children. Rather it is a combination of things of which your children just happen to be a part of, which adds up to an insanely busy lifestyle that (for the time being) precludes holding down any kind of meaningful relationship with a significant other. It may be that you will have to put off the dating game for a while, until you get an easier schedule that will allow it.
 drinkthesunwithmyface
Joined: 3/27/2012
Msg: 114
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What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/7/2014 2:56:36 AM
^ op is so long gone that the kids are probably grown by now and got their own profiles in here. In fact, didn't I see that one of these response posts are from them?
 chill78
Joined: 10/13/2013
Msg: 115
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/7/2014 6:40:09 AM
I agree that children should be their top priority. However if someone rarely has time to date because of this, perhaps they should stop dating until their life circumstances changes. Such as their kids becoming older and more responsible or having other people watch their kids more often etc.
 Silverhawk_tkn
Joined: 12/3/2010
Msg: 116
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What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/7/2014 7:21:17 AM
It means that her mate will never, ever, become an equal part of her family.

It is a showstopper. Period.
 Eternityboresme
Joined: 8/20/2014
Msg: 117
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 12/5/2014 4:33:20 AM
Children are automatically (or should be) first in a parent's life, because they're minors and they can't fend for themselves, (Well, at least they should be a priority next to themselves, as they have to care for themselves to be responsible with their children).

It isn't really necessary to include this, on a profile, though. It's automatically assumed that they are the parents' priority and their responsibility and that they're doing the necessary things to ensure this. I have, too, declined contact from many contacts with this stamped on their profiles, that, and that they work too much. So, where does that leave time for a prospective partner? I also question people who want long term, who are actively seeking it, yet they don't have the time nor inclination to work on it. I find it more honestly written, when somebody is just merely looking to date and nothing serious. Still, I avoid those profile types, as well.
 Strings6
Joined: 7/14/2007
Msg: 118
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What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 12/5/2014 7:14:43 AM
it means,next....if someone who put that in their profile were to read another profile that said if you have children I realize they are first but please be advised that since I won't be first in your life you won't be first in mine either,they would be offended....and this does not apply to just small children anymore,there are plenty of adult children with drama filled lives that need constant attention and supervision that anyone involved with their parent will have to deal with as well.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 119
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 12/5/2014 8:26:22 AM
First of all, it tells me why they're single. Secondly, if it's a woman who has that in her profile, it means she's after a daddy figure for her kid(s). And if it's a guy, he's after a mommy figure for his kid(s). I'm not into role playing.

Another similar statement I see quite often is "My kid(s) is my whole life". The only thing that tells me is there is no room for anyone else in their life, because whole means 100%. You can't have a higher percentage than 100%-regardless of what athletes say when they say: "I gave it 110%/200%", etc.
 Supersoulson
Joined: 10/21/2014
Msg: 120
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 12/5/2014 8:40:57 AM
When I read this I figure she’s had an experience with at least one man who didn’t understand this so she wants to avoid the same lack of understanding in the future.

I think single parents are better off with other single parents because they are the most likely to accept and understand the possibilities of the cancellation of plans, etc.

I decided to simply not date single parents unless the kids are full grown - but even then I’ll be leery until I see for myself how dependant the kids may still be regardless of no longer living with mom.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 121
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What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 12/5/2014 9:25:18 AM
I agree with super.... Usually I stay away from parents of small children or those with the " dramatic" adult ones....
Kids SHOULD be a priority in a person's life, but I have no children and don't really want to deal with all that goes into dating someone who does....
 Sciencetreker
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 122
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What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 12/5/2014 9:33:45 AM
I have rarely read it.

However, I wouldn't want a relationship with a woman whose children did not come first. It shows she is responsible and has priorities right in life.

'Coming first' doesn't mean neglecting a partner. A good parent tells their 16 year old daughter..'No, I can't pick you up Friday night because I'm going out dancing with John'. A child coming first isn't pandering to their needs. It means being there when it really matters. If my girlfriend wanted to stay home with her sick daughter some evening...good grief, why would that be such a hardship on my life? We can go out the next week and the week after.

There is no conflict between being a good parent and a good partner. I would think that a negligent parent would more likely be a bad partner. A good mother, friend, brother, son, etc. more likely has positive traits. My priority is keeping fit but it doesn't in any way mean neglecting my girlfriend.

I don't have children. My girlfriend has two. She is a very good mother AND a wonderful partner. Of course her children are her priority in life when push cones to shove. She would want to attend their graduation..be there at their wedding. However, in day to day living it is not a negative.
 ThatGirlNamedAlli
Joined: 12/28/2013
Msg: 123
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 12/5/2014 9:39:05 AM
If they have the need to emphasize it in a profile, to me it means I'm just a bed partner and an after-thought.
No need to say it, it's assumed.
 Supersoulson
Joined: 10/21/2014
Msg: 124
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 12/5/2014 10:20:29 AM

A good parent tells their 16 year old daughter..'No, I can't pick you up Friday night because I'm going out dancing with John'. A child coming first isn't pandering to their needs. It means being there when it really matters.


To some parents, pandering to their needs = being there when it really matters.
I’ve been with more than one of these types which is what lead me to the decision to avoid these types like the plague. Been der dun dat.


If my girlfriend wanted to stay home with her sick daughter some evening...good grief, why would that be such a hardship on my life? We can go out the next week and the week after.


Of course, but sometimes the next week is cancelled as well for some other reason and then the week after that and then you ask yourself why you’re even bothering ?
Reminds me of a dog with a homeless guy , looking at the homeless guy thinking “ gee buddy, I can pretty much do this by myself “ , lol .
 activemelaney
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 125
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What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 12/5/2014 11:17:26 AM
^^^
The 'what if', 'what if'.

I agree with science tracker about the distinction between priority and some obsession with children. I'd drop everything in a nanosecond if one my two daughters or granddaughters had some crisis but the reality is it hasn't happened in the last decade. I would also expect a man to cancel out on a date if his father had a heart attack or his dog got hit by a car. It doesn't mean he chooses his dog over his partner the other 364 days of the year. He might have written 'I love animals'.

Some of these statements in profiles are more filler than anything else like Long walks on the beach in the moonlight when they live a thousand miles from the ocean. Filler and more filler. These unimaginative lines were more of a concern to me as they showed a lack of effort or creativity. So many males have a 'blah' final line in their profile that has all the enthusiasm of a dead stick. No hook or emotion in it.
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