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 Little Lady
Joined: 4/2/2005
Msg: 101
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You know you're old when...Page 5 of 17    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17)
When you still own three commadore 64s and they all work.
Joined: 12/17/2005
Msg: 102
You know you're old when...
Posted: 12/25/2005 8:01:03 PM
When you roll over and you hear snap. crackle, and pop in the morning before you get out of bed.

Also when your legs hurt after being apart to long for sex.

When you drop something in the floor, and look at it a min, like great, now I got to bend over and pick it up.

When you smile, and and you have none of your own teeth, are maybe just a few left, and still think your sexy for your age.
Joined: 6/14/2005
Msg: 103
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You know you're old when...
Posted: 12/26/2005 9:32:15 PM
When I turned 52, I told the people at church that now I can do things I could not when I was 22.
I now appreciate every hair on my head, and
I still have all my hair - some is in my hairbrush and the rest in the bathtub drain!
I can walk into a bar or the liquor store and never be asked for ID.
And I can find 42-year-old women attractive.
 Little Lady
Joined: 4/2/2005
Msg: 104
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You know you're old when...
Posted: 12/26/2005 9:36:31 PM
When someone is to old to remember if they are 52, or 49 posted in their profile.
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 105
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You know you're old when...
Posted: 12/29/2005 2:35:48 PM
macygirl wrote:

5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.

I was told you look bad in your drivers licence photo because that's the way the police offcer sees you when you get stopped! I have always looked bad in any picture taken of me. I come from a long line of unphotogenic people!
Joined: 4/17/2005
Msg: 106
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You know you're old when...
Posted: 12/29/2005 8:33:34 PM
You tell your friends you're staying home New Year's Eve
with your favourite drink in hand
...they can join you or not
....either way it sounds like fun.

Of course I say this every year and
every year I end up going out...
so I guess I'll know I'm old when
I actually stay home
Joined: 7/17/2005
Msg: 107
You know you're old when...
Posted: 12/30/2005 10:07:47 AM
NOW - What is male mid life crisis? It's when you look at your life and accomplishments and ask "Is this all there is?" It's when us guys decide that, in spite of everything we have, it isn't enough. In spite of the home, car, family, decent job and caring friends, we feel trapped, and there must be something more we can do, something we will call, for want of a better term, "making a fool of ourselves."


Women, you need to understand something - this is all perfectly natural. It happens to all males, including members of the animal kingdom. Think of the caterpillar. He spends lots of time munching shrubbery, but one day, out of the blue, he tells his wife "Dammit, Louise, I'm sick of shrubbery."

As is always the case with a wife, she does not understand him - in this case, because her brain isn't much larger than an electron, but also because he seems like a complete stranger now - he's a totally different insect. Soon he leaves to live in his own cocoon, and emerges with a whole new "look" - fast mode of transportation, bright colors, and gold jewelry. He soars into the sky, feeling free, and Louise watches from far below, and feels conflicting emotions - sorrow, because she may have lost her mate, but also a strange kind of joy, because he is about to be eaten by a bat.

Fortunately - this rarely happens to human males. Unfortunately, what DOES happen is worse - there is no end to the humiliating activities (see "Hair Transplants" and "Unbuttoned Shirts") that a man will undergo while in the throes of this phase. He will give up a promising career in law to be a white water rafting guide. He will start wearing designer fragrances (e.g.; Ralph Lauren's "Musque de Studde Hombre: for the man who wants a woman who wants a man that smells vaguely like a horse"). He will encase his pale, porky carcass in a "pouch" style bikini swimsuit the size of which makes Victoria's Secret teddies look like a parachute. And if it's a really severe case of mid-life crisis, he will run for President of the United States.

Mid-life crisis is triggered when one morning, about 2:30 a.m., a male realizes he has spent his entire life doing something he hates. Let's take lawyers for example, since I can speak to that. Your average middle-aged attorney did not become a lawyer overnight. He worked hard for many years, studied for thousands of hours and made many sacrifices - such as drinking mass-produced domestic beer - to become a lawyer. Then, one day he writes his client a standard letter with standard prefab phrases such as "please be advised, with reference to the aforementioned subject matter" but discovers after he's re-read it that it says "Please be advised to stick the aforementioned subject matter into the most appropriate personal orifice."

Then he realizes it. He hates being a lawyer. He hates his clients. He (needless to say) hates other lawyers. He hates that when he tells people what he does for a living, they react as if he said "Nazi medical researcher." He hates Latin phrases. He hates his briefcase. He wants to be a hang-gliding instructor.

Is there any method for dealing with a mid life career crisis? Putting that question to a group of psychologists, they didn't bother to answer - they hate being psychologists and are sick of dealing with our pathetic little problems. They want to be test pilots.

Sex After 40 (or - Sex?? After 40???)

All this is complicated by the problems that arise when you start dealing with sex. Younger people don't have a problem - they have sex a little more often - like, when they stop at each traffic light. People our age, are much more dignified about it, saving sex for certain special occasions, such as the installation of a new Pope.

Does that mean that as a middle-aged man, we're no longer capable of feeling the lust that we did as a 20-year-old? No! We're just as attracted as we ever were toward 20-year-olds! The problem is that everyone our own age seems repulsive.

I blame this on the advertising media, which works itself to death making middle age appear to be as attractive as death by slow maggot consumption. Today's ads show young people writhing all around a product, looking as if they are going to have sex with each other (or the product) any second. Whereas, when you see older people in advertisements. They are usually having demeaning conversations with cheerful doctors about their swollen hemorrhoidal tissue or incontinence problems.

The image of aging created by the media is not what you call glamorous. But physiologically speaking, there's no reason why we middle-aged types should become less active sexually. Our role model should be biblical stud muffins like Job, who, if I remember correctly, remained sexually active for a couple hundred years. I also vaguely recall him getting boils all over his body, though, so maybe the first hundred years is enough. On the other hand, latex was not available in biblical times, so there you are.

But there is nothing to prevent us from remaining sexually active until our golden years, except the ever present possibility that when old people are Doing It, "It" will cause sudden death. This has been known to happen. In the interests of common decency I won't name names, but this probably happened to a billionaire who was once VP of the United States and whose name rhymes with "Pelson Pockefeller." He was allegedly "working late" one night with an "intern" or "research assistant" and all of a sudden, probably right in the middle of an important footnote, bang (so to speak), he's gone.

But this probably won't happen to you. For one thing, you don't even have a research assistant, much less a White House intern. But you should nevertheless follow these common-sense rules:

- Use only low-sodium aphrodisiacs
- No whips, chains or appliances requiring more than 200 watts
- No poultry
- No playing "Mr. Johnson Goes to the Circus".

If you bear these rules in mind, there's no reason you can't have an enjoyable sex life - unless, of course, you're a middle-aged guy. In which case you may be all ready to have sex, and your S.O. has happily agreed and is ready to go - but there is no "pop in your pickle" so to speak.

If this happens to you on a fairly consistent basis, you may begin to think that

If that happens, try not to dwell on the idea that

Because, odds are, it's purely psychological, in spite of the fact your subconscious is telling you

over and over again, like a broken record, hammering home the message that

Psychiatrists agree that, if this happens, the best thing to do is

No! Shut up! Stop! Psychiatrists say that the best

Sorry, but it's no use - I just can't finish this paragraph.

Ha, ha! Just a little impotency humor there. There's really no problem, here, because there's all kinds of things they can do now. These involve surgical implants, valves, switches and remote control devices that will ensure you can get an erection not only when you want to have sex - but whenever someone dials their cell phone or turns on their microwave oven.

Ha, ha! Couldn't resist, sorry.

Changing the momentum slightly to cool off a bit, to the Point, this Fencing is the Stuff of Soaps

If you want to see a sport that combines the element of fast-paced action with the element of people screaming in French, you should check out Olympic fencing.

Actually, there are three Olympic fencing events: the "ipie," the "sabre" and "the third type of Olympic fencing event." The object in all three is to touch your opponent with your weapon; the winner is the first fencer who, within the allotted time, swings across the room on the chandelier.

No, seriously, they score by touching the opponent in the Valid Target Area. The touches are monitored electronically via wires coming out of the fencers' backs, similar to the technology used to control Dan Rather. The fencers also wear face masks, so that they'll have something to whip off in a dramatic fashion when they want to complain to the referee.

They complained on almost every point in the bout I watched, between a Russian and a Frenchman. Here's how it went: The referee would give the traditional command of "En garde!" (literally, "Start your engines!") and the two fencers would rush together, and instantaneously, before your brain could register anything, various lights would go off, and the referee would make some incomprehensible hand signal, and both fencers would whirl toward the ref, yank off their masks and scream a noise that sounded like "AUUUGGGHHHHH!!!!" (literally, "Wipe the mayonnaise off your eyeballs!!!"). At the same time, in the audience, clots of French persons would scream and hurl garlic. Then one of the fencers, apparently selected at random, would be awarded a point, and the entire process would be repeated.

In between points I read the media guide put out by the U.S. fencing team, which contained these two Amazing Fencing Facts:

1. Neil Diamond attended New York University on a fencing scholarship.

2. The sport of fencing - this is a direct quote from the media guide - has been "included in dialogue" in the TV soap opera "As The World Turns." The media guide doesn't say what, specifically, the dialogue was. Probably it was something like:

LANCE: Oh Tiffany! I want ... I so much want to ...

TIFFANY: What, Lance? Tell me! Say it!

LANCE: I want to touch your Valid Target Area!

TIFFANY: I knew that, Lance, the moment I saw your epee.
Joined: 4/17/2005
Msg: 109
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You know you're old when...
Posted: 12/31/2005 4:40:01 PM
Dekinyo says something that cracks you up and the laughing really does break ribs.
Joined: 2/27/2005
Msg: 110
You know you're old when...
Posted: 1/1/2006 12:16:31 AM
You bend down to pick something up and make that "Ungh!" sound for the first time...
Joined: 8/8/2005
Msg: 111
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You know you're old when...
Posted: 1/1/2006 3:53:29 AM
You know you're old when you have AIDS. (walking aids,nurse aids,bathing aids,hearing aids)
"No offense to the older generation,I love you people"
Joined: 1/7/2006
Msg: 113
You know you're old when...
Posted: 1/9/2006 8:41:11 AM
something you did 10-15 years ago still seems recent
 Little Lady
Joined: 4/2/2005
Msg: 114
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You know you're old when...
Posted: 1/22/2006 2:53:30 PM
The hour of getting ready to go out for the evening takes you two hours of thinking and a quick nap.
Joined: 12/30/2005
Msg: 115
You know you're old when...
Posted: 1/27/2006 6:34:10 PM
Bus tickets, 5 for a $1
Joined: 1/5/2006
Msg: 116
You know you're old when...
Posted: 2/1/2006 4:47:23 AM
when one day some teenager refers to someone barely older than them as old. (ie a 17 yr old referring to a 22 yr old)
Joined: 1/5/2006
Msg: 117
You know you're old when...
Posted: 2/3/2006 8:13:17 AM
...your complaining about "kids these days"
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 118
You know you're old when...
Posted: 2/21/2006 4:06:27 AM
when your cute little cape wearing, superhero kid that liked to be with you all the time isn't that cute, little loving person anymore and is roughly the same size as you and alot more distant than he was (ie a teenager)
Joined: 11/9/2005
Msg: 119
You know you're old when...
Posted: 2/23/2006 7:53:33 PM
...when you were around on the site when a 13 page thread was first started
Joined: 1/5/2006
Msg: 120
You know you're old when...
Posted: 2/28/2006 6:15:15 AM
boys get whiskers as soon as they get in adolesence, around 13-15. Part of that raging hormone thing. :)
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 121
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You know you're old when...
Posted: 2/28/2006 7:40:30 AM
your kid text messages you and you realize not only do you not know how to text back, but all you can think of "how much did that just cost to read?"
Joined: 1/5/2006
Msg: 122
You know you're old when...
Posted: 2/28/2006 9:10:10 AM
...when you start spending money "practically" rather than for the heck of it or without thinking if you really need the thing.
Joined: 12/21/2005
Msg: 123
You know you're old when...
Posted: 3/2/2006 6:51:09 PM
ehwn you can finally understand why your parents did something way back when
Joined: 9/5/2005
Msg: 124
You know you're old when...
Posted: 3/19/2006 9:35:16 AM
Taking viagra so you don't roll out of bed at night.
Joined: 3/1/2006
Msg: 125
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You know you're old when...
Posted: 3/26/2006 10:52:31 AM
You mention Woodstock, and someone says they just love that little bird in "peanuts"
Show ALL Forums  > humor  > You know you're old when...