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 Sweet Euphoria
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 13
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dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.Page 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I agree with Tee...the only thing I disagree about is the point the OP has made about being number two. The way I look at is, sure, my children are number one...I have two boys that share that spot. Why can't a significant other share that spot with them also? I've got alot of love to give and there is more room for that number one spot. I love my kids whole heartedly and would give the same to a man that returns that love. It's a different love of course, romantic and not maternal. Just look at it this way, once you find that love of your life and have children, do you think you'd be any less loved than before children? To me, that's the same thing, the man in my life will be the love of my life - It's called unconditional love. That kind of love is not just for children.
 Sweet Euphoria
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 15
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dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 7:27:45 AM
It's hard for everyone in the dating scene. Being a single mom, in the earlier years yes, I only had every other weekend free. It's not just hard on the person you're dating, it's hard on you too. Why do you think I'm still single after being separated from my ex for 8 years? We all make sacrifices. I'm not saying anyone should change their personal preferences on whom to date. Just pointing out the fact that dating is hard for everyone, single with or without kids. Myself, I do prefer men that have children because they know where I'm coming from. My boys are at the age now where they're practically pushing me out the door ...lol. I can leave them all night if I so choose. I can't be totally spontanious with trips, I do have dependants but, there are ways around that, they DO have a father..lol. I think everyone can agree it's not easy to find a significant other nowadays. I was fairly young when I married and had kids...alot of people wait until their 30's now. So here we have it...older singles having a hard time finding the same..and people such as myself that started early and things didn't work out and yes..we have children,still looking for that Mr. or Ms. Right we didn't find the first go around. I don't take offense to anyone's personal preferences because I will forever be the optimist that one day (hopefully), I will find that Mr. Right, or he'll find me. It's not easy staying optimistic. Lately it seems everyone around me has found that special someone except for me. It can get a person down and I will admit I can hit the lows where I feel like my lot in life is to be that crazy old lady down the street with 100 cats. So if that is my fate, so be it. I've already started my collection...I have two cats....98 more to go!
 sillychick
Joined: 9/26/2005
Msg: 17
dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 7:45:39 AM

it is not in the kids lives it is 2nd on the prioridy list of the mom. and i did not say i really had a problem with it. i mearly said it makes thing much more difficult.


Sorry to inform you that even if you marry someone and they have a child or children with you, you will be 2nd on the list of priorities as well because a mother always puts her kids first even when she's with their biological father.
 VainH
Joined: 3/7/2006
Msg: 19
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dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 8:08:52 AM
From the opposite side, I have dated a woman or two with children, and yes, sometimes there were stresses related to the ex. However, there were a great many rewards as well. I have no children of my own, not because I'm immature and unable to handle the responsibility. Quite the opposite, actually. I haven't met the woman I'd like to be the mother of my children yet, and I wanted to be a little more settled in my own life before I even considered the possibility.

I don't want to be shallow and call it "instant family", but the description is not completely inaccurate. I found it very rewarding being around children again (I'm a good deal older than my siblings, so I was fairly involved with their raising). Outings as a "family" to places like the zoo were a blast. Just having a child look to you for guidance or support, or just to giggle at your silliness, is more than compensation for the occasional stress over the ex.

I would have to say that until you're ready to handle a little stress, maybe you're not ready for children of your own, either. Just something to think about.
 Sweet Euphoria
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 22
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dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 8:23:56 AM
I must disagree with Habs....that's probably one of the reasons there are so many single parents today. We put the marriage second after having children. I have come to realise in my years as a single mom, had my ex and I kept our marriage number one priority next to the children being number one...maybe it would have survived. We've got to remember when in a relationship and having kids (whether the family readymade or not), if you don't keep "dating" and you lose sight of why you fell inlove in the first place, the relationship is doomed. As humans, we have an abundance of love to give. As I state before, there are many types of love, romantic, maternal/paternal, friend etc. When you love someone, you aren't taking away from others you may love. The more you love, the more you have to give. I love both my sons equally, so why is it so difficult to comprehend that I can love a man equal to my sons? Food for thought.
 VainH
Joined: 3/7/2006
Msg: 28
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dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 9:47:59 AM
The notion that men without children around "our" age are immature is flawed. When women in their mid-30's don't have children, it's a conscious decision to have other things take priority in their lives until they're ready. When men do it, it's because we're unable to handle responsibility.

It's the latter notion that is immature.
 Sweet Euphoria
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 42
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dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 5:51:26 PM
I think my posts have become invisible..lol. Being a single parent myself..I think I stated the fact that both children and significant other should be number one priority. I look back at all the posts and why is it always the negative ones get more response. I was hoping more would agree with my way of thinking because I think on a whole it makes sense but hey..again........it's only my humble opinion.
 Diggy03
Joined: 4/7/2005
Msg: 49
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dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/30/2006 7:36:04 AM
I would be more apt to pity the children the OP may one day have with the "love of his life" and it doesn't work out.. and his children end up raised in a single parent home. Perhaps then he would eat his words and not be so selfish as he would have no choice but to see the world through the eyes of a parent.

Sure life isn't always sunshine and roses and yes there are pressures when one has children whether your own or someone else's. So what if a single parent has an ex to deal with. I think it's also important how they deal with it and allow it to affect them (or not). With their reaction shows maturity of the individual. Some people can make it work others can't.

OP... because you mention the children and single parents everyone is going to jump on the fact that they have children and how they are not the reason for this or that.

Fine you have an opinion. You only have to justify it to yourself. Not to me or anyone else in cyber space. I really do hope those blinders come off eventually and you see life for what it truly is. Don't live your life in the negative... as that is all you will get.

Edit: So if he does have a baby with a woman who doesn't have children will he be just as jealous when she puts their child before him?
 Leeanne
Joined: 10/14/2005
Msg: 50
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dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/30/2006 7:46:33 AM
Well here's my take on this......
Just another barrier to say I can't deal with this relationship and things can't progress, because an ex or the kids may become an issue - if you truly want to be with someone nothing matters - you get into it with both feet, love and support each other. Deal with the BS quickly and effectively and surge along!! Mature, intellectual and proactive adults make it work, regardless of any influences.
BTW stress only comes when you allow things to become stressful - deal with the crap and push it aside - move on!
~JMHO~
 Danteslnferno
Joined: 12/12/2005
Msg: 51
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dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/30/2006 7:51:54 AM
Ok,

I haven't posted in awhile but I had to post on this thread. For some people, the thought of dating a woman/man with children from a previous relationship is a big deal. They won't even consider dating someone who has kids from a previous relationship for a number of reasons. They would come second to the kids, having to share time for the affection of the person they are with, sometimes not being able to see the person because they can't get out or find a babysitter, a notion that the single parent is looking for their partner to become the childrens new parent, etc etc etc .....

These concerns are valid for some individuals. I'm not writing to belittle their stance because that is how they feel, and in some instances, their feelings have validity. However, I also feel that by limiting oneself from people who have children from previous relationships, an individual may be missing out on meeting a wonderful, amazing person. Personally, I have no problems being with someone who has their own kids. Is it a bit more difficult than to be with someone who doesn't have children? Yes, in a sense it is. Mostly it's a time issue. However, if you are interested in someone and really do care for them, you make the time to talk or get together. You put in the effort and meet the kids and spend time with the whole family. It's a package deal folks.

Sometimes, by meeting the kids and getting to know them, you fall even deeper for the person you are dating, because the kids are so cute and wonderful!!! Yes, kids are kids. They act up, they get temperamental sometimes, and they want attention. Instead of feeling that to be a hinderence on the attention you wish to gain from the parent, use it as a benefit by helping your 'hot mommy' give the attention to the kids that they want. I look at it this way. Not only are you getting a wonderful relationship with one person, but you are also growing a relationship with a wonderful person and their wonderful kids.
 Firmbear8
Joined: 2/12/2006
Msg: 52
dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/30/2006 8:02:15 AM
Well I WOULD AGREE TOTALLY WITH LEEANNE !
And you all know she is right on with her reply to this .
LOOK if you are not willing to give your 100% in a relationship then you'll not likely find a mate other then just for a hot date.

Only way something can cause you stress is if your not willing to deal with it.
 bluedew
Joined: 12/30/2005
Msg: 58
dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 11/3/2006 12:37:56 PM
I see where the Op's coming from, seen the very relationship he's talking about, coming second because he's not Dad. The child won't listen to the step-parent, the ex is difficult to get along with and the new parent always feels left out or the kid feels left out.
An instant family, you bet, and it will take lot's of work, and Op, don't bet on not wanting any of your own!
You meet the right woman and all of the above shouldn't happen, you need to compromise and be mature enough to handle the whole situation.
Also understand, at the beginning of any relationship, the kids should not be involved, they can get attached to the new friend and if the relationship doesn't work out, the kids can get hurt, especially the younger ones, they've already lost one parent and to lose another can be painful to them. So have patience if you really like your new date, and no, it won't always be like this, having to wait for a free weekend.
 jaxoxo
Joined: 7/18/2006
Msg: 63
dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 11/3/2006 6:57:32 PM
Ok i need to reply to this one.. kids have harts filled with love, so there enought to go around... And who knows what the future holds, we all try to give are kids the best including a stable family, but it doesent always happen this way...And if you pretend to fall in love with someone and dont want to be with her because she has kids,well then you dont love her that much cause you would love her kids to and would mind doing the exta effort...Kids are a wonderfull gift no matter who,s they are and we can all learn from them...but if the relationship with the ex as normal ups and down thaen it should'nt bother you unless you are dealing with a wacco...
 Double-Double
Joined: 8/12/2006
Msg: 71
dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 11/4/2006 7:44:16 AM
I've been watching this thread, kinda steering away from putting in my 2 cents because it requires an explanation.

But I'll go ahead and throw my answer to the initial thread:

To each ther own, everyone is entitled to having a standard that they feel is right for them. Yes, single parents have multiple challenges when it comes to dating. Time and priorities are just 2 that skim the surface. Jealousy or resistance from the children at times mean you need to have thick skin and sometimes you or both are going to have to be stonger in your own character ... I know this from first hand experience. The additional quasi-relationships and dealings with exs, quick exits from dates for children, phone calls from your sitter or children at inopportune times, committee meetings on holiday logistics, inability to runn of to the trooics for a weekend on 3 hours notice, lack of privacy or a vacant house without planning in advance ... and on and on and on. Dating a single parent isn't for everyone. I, as well as most single parents, can accept that.

It can have it's hidden rewards. Your interests match the childrens, buying a large pizza means there could be a thank you from the child for leaving next day's lunch after a great date, Christmas could be that much more special in meaning, secretly you've jut found a reason to play video games again, braiding hair and playing dress-up again is fun, Kids eat free at Hooters on Tuesdays, you don't feel out of place watching cartoons Saturday morning, an open invitation to become invoved in sports again, group hugs, multiple people curled up on the couch to watch a movie and there's more and more and more. People are missing out if they think it's all time and priorities, there are positives.


Random thoughts:

Vamp made mention why some use the "prefer not to say" on more children, I'll just get it out and say it here ... I have "prefer not to say/undecided" in the more children question. You can't put up there you're unable or had a vasectomy 3 years ago as in my case. That leaves 2 options, reversal (and that is not cheap as well as not guaranteed) or adopt (but that also means that you aren't having more children in the accepted traditional sense). The question of "would I" or "do I" in that sense is something that would be situation specific and I couldn't decide in advance. It also doesn't allow for the option that if I met another single parent that I'd be very accepting of a blended family situation. All are valid points to me, none of which could be answered with a simple YES or NO answer.
 babygirl3796
Joined: 4/13/2005
Msg: 72
dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 11/4/2006 9:23:53 AM
I think these two men have said it all

Steph

Well OP, there are a lot of stresses AND rewards to being in a relationship with someone who has kids from a previous relationship. However, if you're a guy without kids going into that, it's highly likely that any negatives you experience will be far less than those of the woman you're with. She's already gone through a lot, trying to rebuild her life, raise her kids, and now is introducing another man (you) to the situation. All while trying to remain sane, and keep everyone who matters to her happy. I don't envy that, frankly.

Also, you talk about being second to the kids, and having to schedule your life around someone else's. Isn't that how it would be anyway, if the kids were yours? Their well being would take priority, and you'd make sacrifices, if you were their biological father, right? So, what's the difference? Looking beyond the possible specifics, the outcome is the same. Every relationship has stress, and times where plans fall through.

And, if you don't get along with her ex, you're probably not alone. He's her ex for a reason, primarily because their relationship didn't work out. The only reason why he's still in the picture - if he's in the picture - is likely solely because he has a legal responsibility to his kids, until they're no-longer considered minors. He might actually also love his kids. I suspect you'll agree that a father should take responsibility for and have access to his kids, and that his ex-wife/girlfriend shouldn't get in the way of that, because I do realize that's not the point of your gripe.

The point of your gripe as I read it is that you wish there were more single, available women who are of the age you're looking for and who don't have kids. To your way of thinking - which is reasonable enough - you want to build a relationship with someone as a couple, without distractions or intrusions or extra responsibilities. Something "boy meets girl" simple. The problem with that, is that your wish and the obvious reality live in two different worlds. Since you're not a teenager dating teenagers anymore, wanting what you want doesn't happen as easily. Life has somehow happened to everyone since then. So, it seems clear that a compromise needs to happen if you're unwilling to remain single for the rest of your life.

If you go one way, you'll need to accept that this is the way things are, and change your mindset in order to adapt to dating single mothers. Go the other way, and something else in your list of wants will need to change regarding the types of women you're interested in, so that you can have the opportunity to date to your liking.

Either way, good luck.


and Ont buck

I am curious if the complaintents would feel the same way with a professional woman with heavy repsonsabilities. Would you feel the same if the lady you were interested in was say a doctor or politician and had a very demanding schedule? (No I don't consider the 2 professions equall in importance, but that's another post.) If you care for someone and want to be with them, then you need to accept the whole package and accept them for who and what they are, NOT who you would like them to be. I believe being a parent of a child , is the most frustrating and rewarding thing I have ever experienced, be it my own child or my step children (well now ex step children- though I still get to spend time with them). But that is simply my opinion, and does not mean anyone else has to agree.


I woud like to add that ex's can be a problem even if no kids are involved. Some people, be it men or women, seem unable to accept the end of a relationship and will cause all the problems mentioned in the original post, and more.

Finally, I think to many people want to be first in the relationship and there in lies the problem. NO 1 person should be first in a relationship. It is the RELATIONSHIP itself that is. if there are children, then the relationship becomes bigger and possibly harder, but also more rewarding.


I like vamp and some of the others have been wanting to vent..........scream almost........but unlike some of the lucky ladies, my x is not one of the nice xs........and continues to cause more harm than good.........even with the children.......I know I am not alone......that is for sure....and when we left, I had this same attitude........of taking the time to get to know myself and my children.....work thru our issues....and learn how to live in the today here and now...Three years later, and divorced the ex who has remarried, and had more children, still is angry and continues to cause problems.....for the family as a whole.........so I could see how it could be difficult to let anyone in to our family, and for sure I safe guard my kids from someone who only wants me........or wants to come into thier lives with a superior attitude....never mind a selfish man, or someone who demands my time..........It surely would take a very special person, who has the patience of a god.....to enter into my time warp.....

Please keep in mind thou, all single parents(male or female) most of us never really planned on the single parenting thing.........life happened.......sure we made our choices.....for better or worse........and maybe love blinded us........but we are in the here and NOW.......and we all have our issues........no matter single or parenting.......the key component is workin them out........before you can move on.......to a new relationship......get to really know yourself, learn to be honest to yourself FIRST>......and when entering into a new relationship....share honestly from the start....it is only fair........That way both parties are aware that there will be time slots allowed.....and viarances to dates and gatherings.....

I just recently met a new fishy.........and dam.......that is when shiiiiit hit the fan with the x again........and our son.......seems like that is just good timing........lol.......almost was goin to give up before we even got the chance to know each other........which would of been too bad........since we have so much in common.......other then kids.....lol......I just thought that he would not relate, or care to be stuck in the middle of domestic bliss with an x.....so I took a risk....and honestly gave him the family history....telling him I do understand that he would not want or need any of these stressors.....but to my delight.........he said he was not going anywhere.....and we would work around the time stuff, and that he respected me more, for being the awesome single mom that I am............So ladies...........and gents...........there is all types out there.......If your a single parent........I honestly do hope you find one of these rare fishies..........that is willing to stand tall beside you.........and not crawl away.......

GoodLuck........and Stay Strong
 babygirl3796
Joined: 4/13/2005
Msg: 74
dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 11/4/2006 4:53:42 PM
I could not agree more phat..........good for you in making your decision.........just hope you do not regret it........
 bluedew
Joined: 12/30/2005
Msg: 77
dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 11/5/2006 1:57:51 PM
If your not happy with this lady and your just looking for excuses, let her go!
Better to find the one you'll be happy with, you'll know when it's right and good luck to you!
 Lint Spotter
Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 86
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dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 9/10/2009 1:13:52 PM

This is the thing. We managed not to have kids. We did most everything right (at least I can say that).
Not much offends me on these forums, but this does in a huge way.

Coldblk, you're alluding to my having children and now being single as something I've done in life that is wrong? How incredibly narrow of you to think this way.

There are many, many women in the same or a similar situation as myself that had a significant other pass away after we as a couple started having children. If not for this unfortunate occurrence, I might not be single today... I honestly don't know as the opportunity for that life was removed and not by the design of me or my former s/o.

I do however understand when a man chooses not to date a woman with children, but I don't understand the reasoning behind thinking that it is something we did wrong with our lives.
 lhasafan
Joined: 9/6/2009
Msg: 88
dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 9/16/2009 9:57:46 AM
We just have to do what we feel comfortable with. I know that there are lots of fantastic women out there with kids. For me, I'm just too much of a free spirit to live a life dictated by school schedules. I want to be able to go off somewhere in the world with a partner whenever we feel like it rather than just during school holidays, etc. But that's just me. There are pluses and minuses to all scenarios. If you can have a relationship with somebody (male or female) with kids, that's great. You can get all the associated benefits. But if you don't feel comfortable with this situation, there seems to be a lot of individuals out there who don't have kids. It's a big ocean out there. Just target better.
 curious2bhere
Joined: 3/28/2008
Msg: 89
dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 9/20/2009 6:43:50 AM
I have dated women with and without children, the only difference I found is that children come first, which I wouldn't want it any other way and never found anything wrong with that, it would raise a question in my mind if a women would put me ahead of her kids, I wouldn't put my kids on the back burner for any women ever!!!

G
 lhasafan
Joined: 9/6/2009
Msg: 90
dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 9/21/2009 10:03:24 AM
Now as an added twist, would people feel different if a woman's kids were in the 18 and older category, ie., college age and above? I have to admit that I personally have not explored this option yet.
 spamcannon
Joined: 5/28/2009
Msg: 91
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dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 11/2/2010 4:05:38 PM
Wow. This puts things in a whole NEW perspective for me. I just got this girls phone number today. We were laughing our asses off the whole time we were together. Then I asked her what she was doing this weekend and I immediately got shut down because of the kids. That was a huge reality check for me. I knew she had kids when I asked for her number, and the chemistry was definitely there, but I guess I wasn't mentally prepared for the reality of dating a woman with kids. It really does all revolve around them, rightfully so, but not sure if this is for me.
 eurosteve
Joined: 9/24/2009
Msg: 92
dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 11/4/2010 6:49:32 AM
I have dated a few women with kids and yes. Its stressful, I am a 32 year old single man, have never been married, almost engaged once and no kids. I have watched the movie "BUCKET LIST" a few years ago and have decided to make my own and I am looking for a lady that is a few years yonger and wants to explore the world with me and do things with me that are on my bucket list. I find women with kids are unreliable, its not their fault, their kids come first, and thats the way that it should be, BUT, with that being said, its impossible to plan ahead and even when that is done, things always come up so for that reason I had decided to stop dating women with kids or at least women that have nobody to help them with their kids. If the dad is still in the picture and takes them once every other weekend that is great because at least once every other weekend plans can be made.


Cheers everyone, I love POF :)
 Preemo13
Joined: 12/31/2010
Msg: 93
dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 2/21/2011 10:28:14 PM
uhhh...ha ha huh...not gonna happen. Can't see a single man and a woman who have kids make a relationship work, unless they were both planning for marriage.
 NewnCurious7588
Joined: 2/21/2011
Msg: 94
dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 2/25/2011 11:58:34 AM
I was once a married man with a woman who had two kids from two different fathers....I can't have kids so...I was always the type of guy that didn't believe that you should penalize a woman with kids just because the las guy was an idiot. I raised her kids for 14 yrs and made them my own.

The problem that most women have and don't realize is when a woman decides to leave a relationship with a man who then spent some time looking after not only someone elses kids but having to put up with another man in the picture as well...if you decide to leave us....as a step parent ( so I found out) we have no rights that are as strong as biological rights. If you leave us...we don't just lose you, we lose a family.
Think about that for a second. We lose an entire family not just you.

Now what alot of men don't know but are now finding out that as of 1998 the new law now states in Canada that any woman can now go after any man living with her for more then 3 yrs for child support for her and her ex's kids...that's right guys!...listen to this...If a woman is getting child support from her ex...and you stay with her for more then 3 yrs you too can be liable for paying the full chart amount just like him. EVEN if she's already getting child support. A woman can actually do this up to 3 different men. UNBELIEVABLE!!...I just went through this and it had nothing to do with me being married...I decided to really look into this...and yes it's true. Go to your City Hall and pick up the FAMILY LAW book and READ IT!...I ended up having to sign over my house to her in order to not pay the next umteen years in child support for kids that were not even home every other wknd and were not even mine biologically.
Because the law also has changed where its not until they are 18...it's when they are out of school permanently.

Let me tell you....it has damaged the way I feel now about women with kids...and it's too bad...because it was not the men that pushed this...it was you, the women...going after dead beat dads and in return now has penalized the good ones for taking over a dead beat Dads responsibilities.....until this law for step Dads is wiped off....I feel sorry for any woman who has kids.
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