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 wpg.man
Joined: 10/19/2006
Msg: 51
Dating men who have never been marriedPage 3 of 24    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24)
I wasn't going to say it cause then I would be considered conceited.
 davedave951
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 52
Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 11/4/2006 10:00:39 PM
Soooooooo, going by this mentality, it would be safe to say that ALL people who HAVE been married with/without children who are NOW divorced are:

1: Incapable of communication
2: Incapable of going the extra mile to work things out.
3: Are never selfish in any way.
4: Do not have relationship issues
5: Do not have intimacy issues
6: Never make bad decisions on who to marry.
7: do not stereotype.
8: Are now single again because ???
9: Make perfect mates because their marriage failed.
10: Make their childrens life wonderful due to a split and torn apart family.

Look...... either way...divorced, never been married, etc. etc. ALL people, men or woman have to be judged on their own individual merits, character, morals and values. To stereotype and paint all people simply by their relationship status with one quick stroke of a brush is just downright wrong.

Its all quite elementary my dear Watson !
 singleguy64
Joined: 5/27/2006
Msg: 53
Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 11/4/2006 10:20:55 PM

Incredible,
you've jumped to the conclusion that I'm selfish even before you've seen my pic.

Now that you see my pic what other narrow minded conclusions will you jump to ?


Heh, well, that falls to the other topic... you're a man, so you're a "jerk"

But, obviously you're not a woman, otherwise you'd be a gold digger!

Now can we stop generalizing? Please?
 Steven02151
Joined: 10/18/2005
Msg: 54
Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 11/4/2006 10:44:05 PM
Dont worry about it is my answer. I was pressured into two marriages, probably would not have married them otherwise. I ended an engagement to someone else I should have married and broke up with someone I was engaged to that, thank God, I had no business marrying. And I loved being married, despite the shortcomings of those relationships, and feel I am very well-suited to it, too ...but just never really found the right one at the right time, etc. Its a crap shoot. Some people have been in miserable, hurtful marriages for ages ...decades ...and no better suited for a good marriage than someone who never did.
 METALLlC BLUE
Joined: 5/17/2006
Msg: 55
Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 11/5/2006 5:16:51 AM
I just don't know where to begin with this train wreck of a thread.
 zooom
Joined: 10/27/2006
Msg: 56
Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 11/5/2006 5:28:47 AM
selticar: I thought raising kids would be a lot of work but it turns out to be fun. It's the best time I ever had. Don't be afraid of it. You'll find you do very well, and that you enjoy it. They grow up fast and then you hope for grandchildren so you can have kids around again. But being the Uncle is fine, too. I'm just saying the fear of failing and misery is unfounded.
 zooom
Joined: 10/27/2006
Msg: 57
Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 11/5/2006 6:03:26 AM
That would mean we are all perfectly suited for one another. Logic to the rescue.
 Blossom65
Joined: 9/26/2006
Msg: 58
Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 11/5/2006 6:07:19 AM
I love guys with no kids and no ex wife!!!!!!!!


Ive went on dates with several guys in their 30's never married, no kids and its great!!!!! An absolute blessing!!

This means I dont have to co-ordinate with them when on what weekends or nights they have their kids and I have mine, and also, it usually means that they have their shit together because rather than settling down in their 20's and are now divorced paying child support, alimony, etc, they spent their time in college and University and now that their older are established and know exactly what they want in life. YUMMY.

For me, I see a bloody red flag in my face if the guy has 5 kids, 2 ex wives and a ex girlfriend that all hate his guts and want some money right now!
 kindacute!
Joined: 6/1/2006
Msg: 59
Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 11/5/2006 6:13:02 AM
never married and selfish

vs

divorced and bitter

hmmmmm

tough call

 SthrnButtrfly
Joined: 10/17/2006
Msg: 60
view profile
History
Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 11/5/2006 6:30:05 AM
[ kept trying to give the OP the benefit of the doubt in the post. I re read it over and over again....but it is painted with such a BROAD BRUSH, with such a general point of view mixed with slant, that it wouldn't surprise me if there was more to the issue than the guy just being selfish because he's 'never married without kids'. I see a picture of somebody sitting at a computer camera WHILE on the phone, and then stating she's got a business AND a child...and I'm thinking to myself, "maybe somebody is just spread so THIN that it isn't the issue of the child at all".....maybe the guy just decided he needed more than just to be told the relationship is based on whether he can be 'squeezed in' to accomodate the needs of 'the daughter'....when maybe he's in the position of being told...."I'll pencil you in".......AFTER everything else is done......and then my daughter comes first......and then wants to pretend to ask for a 'quality relationship'....IT AINT GONNA HAPPEN]

Sadly you only read part of the post...there is more to the story that I left out...if you really must know...the picture was taken in Feb by my kid playing aorund w/the web cam. This guy drank ALOT...I myself am a recovering alcoholic....I work during the day, while he was at work (by the way, he had no vehicle, so I took him 25 miles to and from work every day) oh, and did I mention he had no liscense either? He came home to a clean house and dinner on the table...I attend AA mtgs on a regular basis...my daughter who is very unselfish, gave up her Fridays nites w/mom time so he and I could do something ( mustnt forget that he was with me just about every nite of the week and Sat & Sun) Bottom line is He told me that I needed to choose between my daughter AND my sobriety over him...So piano man, judge not lest you be judged.... I only asked a simple question...
 AREALANGEL
Joined: 2/5/2006
Msg: 61
Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 11/5/2006 6:31:09 AM
I have met up with three confirmed Bachelors who have never been married but have been in various relationships through out their lifetime...

I have come to the conclusion....yes your right...not only selfish but very FRUGILE..

This where they call you a golddigger if you expect a dinner and movie date..

I spent a year with a guy that found free festivals as entertainment..don't offer refreshments during these festivals.....we went to a taste fest and not one time did he offer even a bottle of water..he sought out water fountians...free parking..anything that was free. I offered more than several times about going out to dinner..I would pay my way..he said he was not hungry . So I just let him go..
 Manumit
Joined: 5/16/2006
Msg: 62
Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 11/5/2006 7:24:07 AM
A single mother with morals, how quaint. Your post includes the pushing of your daughter at him. Red flag for a male. Preferring divorced men over a man that have never been married is the most self-seeking kind of woman. The most dangerous type. If he fell once (divorced), he could fall again. Predators are always attracted to the vulnerable.
 singleguy64
Joined: 5/27/2006
Msg: 63
Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 11/5/2006 8:11:47 AM
This guy drank ALOT...I myself am a recovering alcoholic....I work during the day, while he was at work (by the way, he had no vehicle, so I took him 25 miles to and from work every day) oh, and did I mention he had no liscense either? He came home to a clean house and dinner on the table...I attend AA mtgs on a regular basis...my daughter who is very unselfish, gave up her Fridays nites w/mom time so he and I could do something ( mustnt forget that he was with me just about every nite of the week and Sat & Sun) Bottom line is He told me that I needed to choose between my daughter AND my sobriety over him.


You're a recovering alcoholic, and you were trying to date a guy who "drank ALOT", with no car, no license, and who wanted you to choose your daughter/sobriety over him??

Sure hope you talked to your sponsor on this one, because it most certainly is *not* "all his fault". I know a lot of sober people, and a few that have struggled over and over, *precisely* from getting into relationships like that. You need to take a good hard look at *yourself* and the fact that you'd invite this guy into your life, your house, and your daughters life, beyond the first time you knew this about him. What about *you*, "trying to do something with your life", would attract you to someone like that???

So you dated an "unmarried/selfish" drunk (go figure, like selfish doesn't go along with an alcoholic or something)... what would have made you think otherwise? Methinks that it was less of a "him being selfish" issue, than your own self-esteem in even *wanting* a guy like that in your life.
 anth28
Joined: 9/28/2006
Msg: 64
Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 11/5/2006 8:17:10 AM
This thread is a great example of how retarded online dating can be at times...really, if we are going to judge people on such petty details such as wether they have been married or not, then we deserve to be single. I mean, how does a person win in this situation? If you are divorced, people wonder why your marriage broke up. If you are not married, then people wonder whats wrong with you...picky picky people...here is an idea, how about chatting a bit, meeting for a coffee and then, and here is the wild part of this concept, getting to know them!
 singleguy64
Joined: 5/27/2006
Msg: 65
Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 11/5/2006 8:56:14 AM
Agreed Anth28. Somewhere's post made me laugh:


The perrenially single people are undesirable and unwanted because they're obviously selfish and there is new past relationship history proving that they can be a good partner.

The divorced people should be avoided, because they've proved that their marriages fail.


When someone comments that, because I've never been married, I'm "afraid of committment" or "don't understand committment", I wonder, because I've almost gotten married several times...and in hindsight I'm glad I didn't because I *know* we'd be divorced by now, not that I didn't put a lot of effort in, but any relationship is about compromise, and most of them had been divorced and somehow had more of a "no compromise" attitude about things than I've ever had in my life.

Yet, somehow, someone who has been divorced twice... *they* know about "committment"!!!

I mean lets get real here. I've always wanted to get married, or at least find a relationship that would really last... I just haven't met the "right" one. Wait, I'm on a *dating site*, isn't everyone here who is looking for "long term" here looking for "the right one" and a "relationship that would really last"???

I met a woman on here I've been chatting with, and mentioned it to one of my ex's I'm still friends with, and she was giving me crap because this woman makes a good deal less money than I do "watch out for someone after your money" (I make a good living), "you should find a woman who makes as much if not more than you do." Hell, I thought it was supposed to be about finding love, not someone who is "financially up to par" (then again, thats why that ex - is an ex ). If I was to hold to some silly rule that she has to make "as much or more" than me, I'd be severely limiting my prospects... and agreed, I don't want an unemployed welfare mother, but money itself is irrelevant to finding love (although I do look for financial "stability").

I look at some of the restrictions people have.. I mean, ok, no cheaters/liars/abusers/drigs, thats a given. Then its, oh, no-one over 35 thats never been married, must have had kids, must be over 6', must have a full head of long dark hair (ooh, the bad boy image!), must have a good job but be willing to drop everything for me, must own a Harley, be between 35-40, thin/athletic, no pets... and then sit here posting "why can't I find a good man??" (I used the female side, but the same holds for the men, some do the same). Good god, I mean, you've just restricted yourself to 1/100th of the dating population in your area, and then wonder why you can't find someone???

Everyone is different. There are selfish married/divorced people (maybe thats why they are divorced?), and selfish single/unmarried people. There are also good people in those categories. There are married people that cheat on their marriages, and single people that cheat on their relationships. But there are married/divorced people that have never cheated, and single people (like me) that have never cheated. There are people who love their work and are happy and finanically stable and get by just fine on $30K/yr, and people who hate their jobs and struggle continually because they've put themselves heavily in debt, on $100K/yr. The more arbitrary limits we set one whole *classes* of people, without seeing them as individuals, the more we limit ourselves.

I don't always agree with 'sparticus', but one of his comments has always stuck with me, change:

"All never-married men over 35" are selfish.

to:

"All black men" are selfish. (no offense meant, pick a class, "Italian", "Jewish", the idea is the same)

And watch the sparks fly, and get accused of being bigot. The *only* difference between those statements is the group of people being judged. *BOTH* are bigoted statements towards some class of people.
 anth28
Joined: 9/28/2006
Msg: 66
Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 11/5/2006 9:18:16 AM
You see, the whole problem stems from how impersonal online dating can be. It is simply a catalogue. Many people bring their unrealistic expectations here and dont feel any accountability since they are just staring at a photo and some words. They often forget there is a human being on the other end! Its easy to lay out all these crazy requirements in the hopes that you may get lucky enough to find someone so perfect, because it doesnt cost anything to do so. Put someone in a social situation, where they have to sit face to face with someone and watch the difference. Its easy to act like you are perfect when you are behind a profile. True, some people have attitude no matter where they are, but for the most part, I think alot of people think the internet is going to give them what they are unrealistically seeking in real life, hence why they are single in the first place.

I do understand that we all have our preferences and such, but I think when someone who is 5' 5" and average build post restrictions seeking a man who is 6' and up and athletic, should have their priorities checked. If your going to make demands, you better be sure you are up to snuff as well.
 Midwestrebel
Joined: 8/30/2006
Msg: 67
Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 11/5/2006 9:33:38 AM
Hi! Another guy over 35 thats never been married checking in...
After reading the posts and stereotyping of the women here I am quickly reminded of why I have never married. I am reminded of why I have never married whenever I meet a divorced person, either sex. I have helped to raise other peoples kids, another reason why I have never married, I couldn’t do that to my kids If I were to ever have any. I have seen way to many people rip each other apart in a divorce, I have seen way to many kids tore up in a divorce. I have always been treated with too little respect when it comes to women to ever have wanted to been married.
I have asked the question in my younger days, I was never given a yes answer. Today I don’t want to be married and I probably never will. Selfish? Yes on some plane of existance that some women think I probably am. However I have yet to meet anyone that will tell me that marriage is a good thing and I should probably do it. With the exception of my parents, Aunts and Uncles, Grandparents, all of which have exceeded there 50th wedding anniversary's. I just consider myself unlucky to never have met the right person. Today I am over it and happy as can be....
 The_Champ_Is_Here
Joined: 10/12/2006
Msg: 68
Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 11/5/2006 9:48:58 AM
Wow I never thought in this day that being anyone, man or woman, and never been married or have any kids being over 35 would be such a bad thing. I mean look at all the men and women who have kids out of wedlock over the years, or a guy who has 4 kids with 4 different women. Or even women who will tell you they got married at a young age and it was a mistake. How come those people who marry, have kids, get divorced are acceptable? I would think that raising a child by yourself, or having support payemnts each month, having your kids every other weekend, those would be things that would get in the way alot more than someone who does not have that.
Nothing against anyone either, as my mom raised me alone, dad just took off and never came back. So I feel for those single parents BUT to actually say we all are the same because we have not walked a mile in your shoes, give me a break.
Has nothing to do with experiencing what you have gone though because if you have been married and have kids, now divorced that means you more or less have had it pretty hard and your life has been pretty demanding. And so a guy should experiece that to be dating material?

Example, you don't have your kids next weekend but he has his. Then vice versa. No time for the two of you to enjoy a nice weekend together without any kids. The guy who has no kids, hey he is more flexible on his free time.
And if us single guys without kids or an ex wife are all the same then are is it fair to say that all single parent women are wanting someone to be a father to thier children? Come on why look at these irrelevant things when dating. Why nitpick those small things. You may toss away a great guy who is looking at how so many women have married, had kids and divorced and thought he would not want to put his own kids, if he had them, through that. And wants to not rush into getting married.
I have known quite a few people who rushed into getting married and then after the fact they realize this was not what they wanted. People like me see the mistakes others do and learn from that. Why do I need to have already been married and already have kids to be accepted as dating material? Should I have just married anyone and got any woman I dated pregnant for this fact that it would be to my benefit in the future for me to be dating material?

And Cotter you know I have been single a long time. And for various reasons, and it does not mean only men get set in thier ways. I find all people do have thier life a routine somewhat by the time they are 35. Sure seems most will not admit that because others frown upon them and have to have this "energy" to say others can't keep up with them. But the majority of people work, come home, eat, sleep, do laundry, shop. On weekends people usually hang out or do things with the same people week in and week out going to the same places. Be it coffee, shopping for clothes, eating at a restaurant, going away for the weekend. All shows a routine. And the majority of people are this way and well then it is set in thier ways. Are you to live your life based on other people's accord or on your own terms?
What you have said I can tell you I have known many of women who when dating someone take over thier man's apartment and change or add things to thier liking BUT would never let a man do that to thier place. See it works both ways.

I
 zooom
Joined: 10/27/2006
Msg: 69
Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 11/5/2006 9:59:15 AM
Sometimes I see ads specifying men who have never been married, and sometimes I get asked what's wrong with me that I never got married. What's wrong with me has nothing to do with being married or not, c'mon. I agree with the logic that divorced women are more likely to quit next time, too. But since there are always exceptions, that doesn't mean much in any individual case. I always wondered how poeple could make such a promise then go back on it. In each of my relationships so far, which have all been with women who were previously married and divorced, I got to the point of wondering about getting married. I asked myself if I thought they would stick around. They didn't seem likely to, and after that the relationship seemed like it was headed nowhere. I was prone to give divorced women the benefit of the doubt on account of how my parents divorced, but over the years I have come to see it was my mother's fault, too, even if my father's actions left something to be desired. At this point it seems like that train has left the station. It's for young people starting out to make a life together. Old people like me have already lived that part of life. Now the idea is just to see if there is someone who prefers a lasting relationship to the occasional hook up or a less romantic friendship with lapses of sex. I don't know any women who never married. I expect they would be happy by now remaining single. I have a fantasy about finding a younger wife and raising a family. Then I think she should be with someone her own age. No regrets, just muddled thinking and wistfulness.
 Sombient
Joined: 9/29/2006
Msg: 70
Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 11/5/2006 11:53:39 AM
Msg# 86: Learn how to type without the caps lock key, dear. There's a 12-step program just for your type of addiction.. Complete sentences are useful for making yourself understood, so is punctuation.

I look at some of the restrictions people have.. I mean, ok, no cheaters/liars/abusers/drigs, thats a given. Then its, oh, no-one over 35 thats never been married, must not have had kids, must be over 6', must have a full head of long dark hair (ooh, the bad bad / Brad Pit image!), must have a good job but be willing to drop everything for me, must own a Harley, be thin/athletic but not muscular, no pets... and then sit here posting "why can't I find a good man??" (I used the female side, but the same holds for the men, some do the same).


Hahahahahah!! That quote is pure gold!!
 Smjle
Joined: 9/19/2006
Msg: 71
Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 11/5/2006 1:49:26 PM
What you think is find with me. I doubt it should be written in stone, but it may have some basis.
 Altered_Ego
Joined: 4/26/2006
Msg: 72
Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 11/5/2006 2:20:46 PM
I come from a family where my Dad has been married 3 times. I've felt the pain of living with the knowledge that I was pushed further and further from the family's "Inner Circle," with each new marriage.

I'm also quite shy. I never dated much in high school. I was always afraid of rejection too.

Over the years, far too many people have asked why I was not yet married, and made some stupid speculations as to the reason.

Screw it.

I finally married when I was 49. Now I'm getting divorced in a couple days.
 SthrnButtrfly
Joined: 10/17/2006
Msg: 73
view profile
History
Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 11/5/2006 4:02:57 PM
[So you dated an "unmarried/selfish" drunk (go figure, like selfish doesn't go along with an alcoholic or something)... what would have made you think otherwise? Methinks that it was less of a "him being selfish" issue, than your own self-esteem in even *wanting* a guy like that in your life.] He was in recovery when I met him, had 5 yrs sober...He chose to go back out....and by the way, he ims me from time to time wanting me to come "rescue" him from his current dilemma so that HE can get sober again...and My SPONSOR knows the whole deal....geez you people judge so quickly....
 GeminiTwin
Joined: 10/27/2006
Msg: 74
Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 11/5/2006 5:44:44 PM
Well, I'm 39 and never married and only because I've choose not too. I am certainly not selfish. I do however have a 16 yr old and I've met men (who have been married and not) who prefer I put them before my daughter..and so I did, on the tip of my toe as I booted them out the door..haha.

Anyways..it has nothing to do with married or not married in their years, by far. Less and less people are NOT marrying today. It's not like one HAS to marry. At one time I suppose it seemed like the norm, but today I'd much rather meet someone who's never married then someone divorced three times ..and if I never marry, so what..certainly doesn't mean I'm selfish. ;)
 The_Champ_Is_Here
Joined: 10/12/2006
Msg: 75
Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 11/5/2006 5:58:28 PM
Still when commenting about a stereotyping it usually means that is how someone views all people like that. Being she experienced a guy who has not been married and has no kids be selfish and that he fits the stereotype of how men in that group of viewed. But who is it that views a "group of men" in that way? And why even mention that he fit that stereotype if you do not view all men who are unmarried and kidless as selfish?
I have experienced many selfish women who judged me on my looks, income, living accomodations, type of job, no kids, never been married but that to me does not represent all women, maybe a lage portion but not all and I sure do not have that in my mind about women as I just look at it as it is thier loss not mine.
She will sooner or later feel the same. Just look ahead and not back, because I have been there, done it. Your confidence and self esteem takes a big hit, not a good feeling. Besides you may pass up someone awesome basing your judgement on something irrelevant in my eyes.
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