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 Bikeman_
Joined: 10/8/2005
Msg: 82
Dating men who have never been marriedPage 4 of 24    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24)

I do have a thing about not dating someone who does not have children. I opted to have my tubes tied after my second child and am adamant about not having anymore. Therefore my getting involved with someone who has not yet had children does not make much sense to me.

Well this makes no sense. Why ASSUME a man without children desires to have children?? This is a common mistake many women make. Why not just pose the question to the guy "do you want to have children with your partner?". If he says no and seems disingenuous, then your reasoning makes sense. If he says yes, then your reasoning makes sense. If he says no and you sense frankness and honesty, why couldn't you date him? It seems many women prefer to make knee-jerk decisions instead of thinking. Who's to say a guy with kids will say "no more kids" and then change his mind??? Much better to use your thinking cap--that would increase your likelihood of finding a suitable partner, don't you think???
 Bikeman_
Joined: 10/8/2005
Msg: 83
Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 1/15/2007 8:47:01 PM
drg1301, I run into this often with internet dating and women with children, or older women incapable of bearing children. They do the thinking for me instead of asking the question "do you want to be a father one day?" Personally I want the best relationship I can have first, then the children issue will answer itself. Getting into a relationship with the thought of bearing children is the ABSOLUTE WRONG reason to get involved with anyone. That's putting the cart before the horse. Can't make this explanation any more clear than that.
 DonInVictoria
Joined: 12/24/2006
Msg: 84
Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 1/16/2007 8:15:23 AM
OP "What are yalls thoughts on dating someone who has never been married?"

I don't think it fair to make such generalizatios. Sure, be extra cautious if you wish, look for signs of being overly self-centered and controlling, but, there's a downside to choosing the other type, those who've married and split up (which is suggestive of different types of character flaws at work).

There are many reasons why men don't marry, and it may have little to do with being selfish. My own reason was my parents' marriage was starting to break apart in my earlier adolescence (when they did split, they remained friends & neighbours). By my early twenties my perspective on getting married had become 'no way, what's the point?'.

But, thirty years later, after my Dad passed (a very traumatic event for me), I did a 180, and now want a life partner. I could manage without, but would definitely rather not.
 Bikeman_
Joined: 10/8/2005
Msg: 85
Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 1/16/2007 9:27:50 AM

Any man who would ask you to choose between your child, especially one who is as young as yours, is not worth your time and effort.

Duh. Only an idiot would do this.

The logical problem with your thinking is that you ASSUME that ALL MEN OVER 35 NEVER MARRIED will do this.

I wouldn't. In fact, if I am considering dating a single mom, and if I felt like she would put her relationship with me as a priority over that of her child, I'd find that very unattractive, and I would not want to date her.

Can you divorcees explain why you seem to stereotype never-married people as being selfish? There is no logic to that flawed conclusion.
 Saiyuki_Reload
Joined: 11/21/2006
Msg: 86
Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 1/18/2007 4:54:49 AM
Well... There is uber-selfish as in... "choose between me or your kid..." (as if any mother would even consider choosing some guy over her own kid!)
AND there is normal-selfish which most people have a small (or large) dose of. Whether we like to admit it to others or not, most people like to think of themselves at some time or another. We like to take the bigger slice of cake and hope no-one notices, we like to hold onto the TV remote so no-one else can mess with the channel. We like to have the airconditioning a bit higher than others in the office might like.
Selfishness is ok if its done in moderation. (However UBER-selfishness is not ok.)
 Selkirk
Joined: 7/15/2006
Msg: 88
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Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 1/18/2007 5:29:56 AM
I hold marriage and a loving relationship with the utmost honor and value, and therefore have not been light with whom I choose to be with... although I've been trying a little harder to date and "get out there" lately - by joining these dating sites.

I spent my 20's in the military, and the time between my 20's and 30's on the career track - working long hours and weekends. I had a long-term/long distance relationship that didn't work out - it was intense but a waste of time. I had another live-in relationship with a single mom that lasted 5 yrs., wasn't right for either of us, but it was loving... also a good template for having a family and child rearing.

After all of that, I look up and I'm 39. I've been "ready" for several years now... I feel like I'm always getting closer to the goal - as a person, I feel more developed and confident in who I am and what I like... some can negatively describe that as "set in my ways". That doesn't alway have to mean that someone is inflexible, either.

I feel that I'm the perfect age for settling down - a lot of my running is out of my system, but I'm not a quite an old fogey yet... lol. I am ready to have a household, and I want to share more now than when I was younger. Please come move your stuff into my house! Add that feminine touch (we'll have to limit the AMOUNT of kitschy knicknacks though!)

As we all get older we benefit so much from living life, learning lessons and our good and bad experiences... just because we've waited doesn't mean there's something wrong with us. It could just be that with all the divorces and single parents amongst our friends that we're just being a tad more careful about this very important decision and phase of life.

Please don't overlook a lot of good prospects because you think there "must be" something wrong - many of us do have experience in a long-term relationship - just never got married, and even some child rearing experience too!

There's a funny joke going around about being older and still single - at weddings, the older aunts keep telling me "you're next", so to get them back I say the same thing to them at funerals!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 89
Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 1/18/2007 11:06:04 AM
I wouldn't. In fact, if I am considering dating a single mom, and if I felt like she would put her relationship with me as a priority over that of her child, I'd find that very unattractive, and I would not want to date her.

Thank you bike man. Why is it that people won't date a person with children because they don't want to come second? Any sane, normal single parent should always prioritize their kids over a newcomer - it's not a competition. People who would view your kids as competition have some serious issues. Granted if two people are married and parents together, yes the marriage has to remain important after the kids. But dating new people is different.

I once dated a guy who had a 15 month old daughter. Her mom had died recently of a terminal liver disease. I finally had to break up with him because he wouldn't stop dragging this poor child out at all hours to meet me somewhere after her bedtime. He'd never tell me he was bringing her at all, he'd just show up at a restaurant with her snoring and dead asleep. I told him to PLEASE take a raincheck and stay home and take care of her if he didn't have help, after all it was his freaking kid. He needed to be with his child at that time in his life, not dating people.
 CropFever
Joined: 12/20/2006
Msg: 90
Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 1/18/2007 1:54:17 PM
If a man has gotten past 35 and headed to 40 and not been snagged, that's a pretty good indication there's a problem - whether it be committment phobic or just plain issues. Now, all you single men can right and protest, but I'm in a field where I know this to be a truth.

There was a post that said that being divorced should raise a red flag more so than someone older not being married. Totally wrong. You can assume from the person that may have made the wrong choices that they could commit to something, something that cannot be assumed with someone who hasn't. As for having children and dating someone like this, be prepared for the me or them ultimatum. They have never had children, so they cannot fathom that relationship, nor can they discern between the love for one's child and the love for another adult. It is not and cannot be lumped as the same. They have never dealt with having to be responsible for someone other than themselves, let alone have to perhaps have plans cancelled or changed because you do. It will always come down to "you love them more than me." Sorry guys or gals, it is what it is.

As for the excuse that they have never met "the one". "The one" doesn't exist because they have either set their standards so high there IS noone out there to fill it, or even if they did, they wouldn't be able to recognize it. These people normally never even stay around long enough because when they realize that it's not "all about them" they turn and run. There are exceptions to all statistics, and this is no different. However, the exceptions are far and few in between.

It is what it is and there have been many studies that have shown it.
 rob red bob
Joined: 10/13/2006
Msg: 91
Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 1/18/2007 1:58:49 PM
i know my ex just left me for a guy that has never had kids.. she has two of her own.. i'm not bitter anymore.. i just know that she's going to regret it.. i know a few men that don't have kids and they seem to have a hard time coping with children.. it's hard enough for a men with kids to handle other peoples kids... and we have been there done that .. as far as the marriage part is concerned.. that is a different issue.. maybe the right one just hasnt come along.. or .. just don't believe in marriage ?
 frenchbearman
Joined: 9/11/2006
Msg: 94
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Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 1/18/2007 7:15:11 PM
I am over 50 and never been married. Thank god, I think of all the women I could have married and didn't. I would have been one of those guys that's been married 5 times. I am uncle Barry to many kids and been an influence in their lives. There is a big difference between giving to your own kids and giving to kids that you care for that are not yours. The stigma of never being married has nothing to do with what kind of person you are.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 95
Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 1/18/2007 7:26:13 PM

WOW!

So it was his "freakin" kid, but I'm sure you knew he had the freakin kid when the 2 of you started dating.

Yes I did, he mentioned it to me. I knew him for about a week at the time. I had no problem with that. I not only date men with kids, I prefer it - keeps the pressure off me, as I won't be having any. I do however have a problem with someone bringing kids around me too soon, because it's not good for the kids. I am sensitive to that, being as I dealt with it, but since you seem to know more about me than I do, why don't you explain the rest to the thread.

There was NO possible meet me half way and a date during decent hours with the guy?

Probably. But in my opinion he was avoiding having his daughter full time since her mom had just died. Shouldn't he have maybe, oh I don't know grieved her loss for a minute? Her daughter needed time too, 15 months old is old enough to notice a death of a parent.

How rude of the guy to take into consideration of WANTING someone to date and more, yet take into consideration the 15 month old daughter.

No meet half way and make dinner at his place, where the kid isn't dragged out at all hours of the night?

The suggestion was made by him to meet out, since his fiance died, he lived with his mother (who I don't imagine would be too happy to see strange women coming around her family), and would never tell me when he couldn't get a babysitter. In those cases you don't date, you take care of your child. It was selfish of him to drag the poor girl out at 10 and 11 pm. I would never have expected him to abandon her to date me, and I would have gladly taken a raincheck. It's not about me, it's about the child - I should hope.

I think I'll go look to see if there are any threads on good old fashioned family values! Give me hope that some single parents aren't giving up hope that because they are a single parent, they will never find a decent single guy or girl to date, and maybe fill the void of being single. Not step into the shoes of the missing parent, but lend a HAND to help raise the child TOGETHER some day down the road even. Dang that could actually be fun. Teach the child how to play basketball, swim, ride a bike, life lessons, and other stuff.

Dude, relax - the guy was dealing with a very recent death, not a divorce. I think he was dating prematurely. Don't make a villain out of me over that. He was clearly choosing me over his daughter, and I don't like a guy who does that. His child was the priority.

What would possess a single person with no kids to think that could be fun? Maybe the way they were raised and learned from their parents? Maybe they themself would love to be a parent some day, but since they don't fit in with all the cool kids today, they are getting left out?

Let's see modern day mysteries # 1,256!

Sorry, if you think it's ok to bring your kids around a bunch of people you're dating before you know them real well, you're wrong. That screws your kids up quite a bit. Take it from me, I know - makes for some serious attachment anxiety. But I guess that's ok as long as you get a date and maybe a piece of ass right?

Pffft.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 96
Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 1/19/2007 5:34:05 AM
^^^Neither one of us said anyone was trying to. I suspect the guy I was dating was going for that very thing, what else would cause him to ignore the care of his own child? And yes, I like a piece of ass, but it generally has nothing to do with dating. LOL

Yes I see your humor. Actually, "freaking" was originally said in frustration as in, "it's your kid for Gods sake. Take care of her."

P.S. If you can point out where I said I was an expert on anything, please show it to me. I'll be more than happy to clear it up.
 mystery24
Joined: 10/12/2006
Msg: 97
Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 2/6/2007 6:53:56 AM
kindacute! Not all guys are divorced and bitter, or never been married and selfish.

I for one fully understand that a single mom has to put her child/children first and wouldn't be put out by this. If anything I would do everything in my power to help out if needed.

Do agree though that some poor unfortunate nieve single mom does suffer from some guys being hurt previously.
 SthrnButtrfly
Joined: 10/17/2006
Msg: 98
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Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 2/7/2007 6:46:53 AM
WOW~~ this post is still going? I am the one who started it way back when...glad to see yall are getting something out of it...since I posted it I have dated 2 more men who have never been married nor have any kids....one was really nice but had alot of "mental" issues and the other played me & my child really well, emotionally. Not that I am going to stop dating men who have never been married...but I am that much more self conscious about it....good luck yall in your search and POF is great for making friends....just got to weed out the thorns amongst the rose bushes.

PS both men were over 35
 HottieScotty
Joined: 6/9/2004
Msg: 99
Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 2/7/2007 7:26:18 AM
I'd like to comment about all this.
I'm 44.....never married.no kids......and yes....selfish.
When i go on dates....i dislike the ex father(s), calling to see if the kid(s) are o.k.....
Or the kids ranting and raving cuz mommy is going out.....
Or the thought of having to buy dinner for my date....AND HER 3 kids.
Now....lets talk about christmas..
Yes.i am selfish.....not wanting to buy 3 gifts for each kid.....then a wack of gifts for the "date".
Un married men....(batchlors) are use to ONE on ONE!!
(speaking for myself)....I enjoy giving my full attention to ONE SPECIAL LADY...
Gifts ..travel....or shared housing.....I'm ALL GOOD with spoiling that one special one.
This could be why older batchlors hope to find a lady with no kids.
If she's been married before .....NO SWEAT.....
But throw someone elses (young) kids into the mix.....well.........yes.....i'm selfish.

NOW....a woman with 1, ...2, .... or 3 kids.....i'm thinking she's selfish if she thinks her new boyfriend should take her kids under his wing.....and treat them as his own..but with NO say in the actions of these kids.(but god forbid if we don't buy them christmas gifts).

As a woman.....Us batchlors like the oppertunity for a nice 1 on 1 relationship.
I treat my new relationship as #1....and would hope we get the same treatment.
But usually what happens..is we get treated as # 6 or so......after the kids...after the ex(s)...ex inlaws....

Selfish.....??? or just selective??
 SthrnButtrfly
Joined: 10/17/2006
Msg: 100
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Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 2/7/2007 7:40:07 AM

I'm certain this has been brought up already but you're 43 and never been married. Does that mean we can assume you have 20 cats?


hey dorkie, you need to read either A} my profile or B] the ENTIRE thread, its been going on for 3 mos now....and I have 3 cats tyvm and a dog!
 SthrnButtrfly
Joined: 10/17/2006
Msg: 101
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Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 2/7/2007 7:44:35 AM
Well said, but did you read all the way thru the post and see my latest add on? As for me I am both Mom and Dad to my daughter, her dad has another family in another state by his choice....as for the holidays...I was dating a 48 yr old who never had been married with no kids...he hadnt had Christmas in a long time. We did everything in our power to include him in our little family Christmas ( and NO he did not bring any gifts to our humble home) his prescence was enuff....so if this is called selfish on my part, "sigh" back to the drawing board...

I am just that much more selective on the men I meet and date from now on....single, divorced, never been married, doesnt matter...its the PERSON inside that should be important...take it from this wayward lass who flubbed up a post...LOLOLOL
 HottieScotty
Joined: 6/9/2004
Msg: 102
Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 2/7/2007 8:43:07 AM
Don't get me wrong....I love kids....wish i had some of my own...BUT......
Getting into a relationship with a woman that already has kids.....
A man like me has learned that I have absolutly NO CONTROL or SAY on how these kids should behave.
If they were my kids....i could have a chance to "mold "then into what my thoughts and beliefs are...
someone elses kids.......well....I have NO say.
If a woman's kids are all grown up....and out of the house.......
Let the relationship begin.
One on One.!
 aspiring_angel
Joined: 1/25/2006
Msg: 103
Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 2/7/2007 9:10:03 AM
My bf is 39 and has never been married. I am 38 and have never been married. Neither of us is selfish or has any 'hang ups' we had just never met the right person before. Maybe it was timing? Maybe it was being overly cautious? Who knows, but I know you're way off base with your assumption regarding selfishness.

Is it selfish to know what you want and to keep looking until you find it? No, IMHO it's being honest with oneself and others. Not making a promise that you can't keep.

I would be more leary of a man who had been divorced (especially mulitple times). That isn't to say that divorcees are any worse off than NBM, but it is something I'd look at pretty close. (it could have been a divorce he didn't want afterall).
 SthrnButtrfly
Joined: 10/17/2006
Msg: 104
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Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 2/7/2007 12:50:29 PM
Your so rite smiley, but then now comes the
have children when the time is right
part...for some of us divorcees w/children such as myself, I have been "fixed" and can no longer have children.( Altho, if the right man were in my life and we both agreed I am all for a tubelar reversal or adoption.) As for morals and values, I instill the best in my daughter, but I am also open to someone who also has morals and values and can teach my child something new. Afterall, wouldn't that be one of the reasons we are getting married? Guess what I am saying is that for me, its hard sometimes to date those who have not had their own bloodline children because I can no longer produce...and on the other aspect, the older ones w/no children don't seem to relate very well with kids....this is just my experience here of late...
 SthrnButtrfly
Joined: 10/17/2006
Msg: 105
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Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 2/8/2007 12:30:46 PM
YALL NEED TO READ THRU THE FORUM...THIS WAS A FLOP OF A POST I MADE MONTHS AGO AND YET JUST FROM THE FIRST PAGE YOU STILL JUDGE ME....EVEN THE PREVIOUS 2 PAGES HAVE MY RECENT ATTITUDE CHANGE....LOL GEEZ...
 SthrnButtrfly
Joined: 10/17/2006
Msg: 106
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Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 2/8/2007 12:37:14 PM

For the record....I can be attracted to a woman regardless of her age. Some people learn from life and grow, and some have been burnt and carry their bitterness. I like the happy learner group.
first off read further into the forum to include the last 2 previous pages of this flub of a post I wrote....and 2ndly this statement is a lie on your behalf, since I tried to contact you and you dont take email from women older than 40....

For the record and the 3rd or 4th time I have posted this...since this post I have dated 2 other men who have never been married or had any children...both were great guys, but had a hard time relating to my "parenting" skills or to my daughter...I feel I am good at sharing myself with another person as well as spending QT with my child. But sadly, some men don't like to share their woman with a child or children, and it becomes a hassle to appease both....I am better off finding someone who realizes and accepts that I am a package deal....
 techgirl27
Joined: 9/5/2005
Msg: 107
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Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 2/8/2007 5:16:52 PM
I admire a man that prioritizes his job. There isnt enough of that today IMHO. Now after work, thats the time to dash home to relax with the one you care about. In the right circumstances, i would stay home and raise the kids. I relish the chance to not have to trudge to work AND do the housework for once. I would do it for the man who had my heart.
 JustCallMeMike
Joined: 5/29/2006
Msg: 108
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Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 2/8/2007 5:36:09 PM

I disagree. I don't think it's idiotic at all. Now, I wouldn't say someone would have to have been married by this point, but if they haven't had any sort of a long term commitment with someone (say common law or engaged or whatever), then YES it is a red flag. Specifically for some of the reasons you listed. "Work schedule" If someone has already spent this much of their life putting work before relationships, what is the chance that they will change? Not good. "Lack of dating opportunities" Ummm...maybe their standards are so high that no one can meet them, or maybe they find the dating pool undesirable. There are plenty of dating opportunities for people. What was stopping them from trying? Anyways, that's JMO.


Or maybe, there are too many women out there with TOO high of a list for a simple man to reach? Maybe such silly notions that I am not a suitible partner because I have placed where I live and how much I have ahead of who I am (I AM NOT MY MATERIALS, I AM MY MIND, HEART, AND SPIRIT). Maybe it is because I can happily get around even though I don't have a car. Or maybe, my strong opinions and challenge to the ways of this world is a threat to you. Or maybe, the same things that women complain that men perpetrate on them in thing they are perpetrating on me.

So before you judge a man's capability to love you based on his relationship track record look at yourself...What do you have to offer us to make us want to be with you long term? Or better yet? Should we judge you women who are divorced? Especially if you were only married for a few months or years? It is parent that something is wrong because you are divorced.
 Kyndhart27
Joined: 3/8/2006
Msg: 109
Dating men who have never been married
Posted: 2/8/2007 5:50:09 PM
I came close to getting married,twice,but wasn't really in love.Did not think it fair to the ladies or to myself to marry when not in love.
Besides I'm too good looking the for ugly girls and too ugly for the pretty girls!
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