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Joined: 8/17/2005
Msg: 76
Verbal Abusers Page 4 of 10    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
exactly...forgiveness does have it's time.

This isn't about's about not alowing negative stimulus to continue...simple as that!

Christ would argue that to strike someone is just a bad as not forgiving the person who struck you once they've stopped...wouldn't you agree???

He would say both parties have work to do...not just one as both are negatives...

Try being a little more open minded and less self'll get there : )

Forgiveness does NOT excuse bad accepts it and moves on. Negative is still negative!
Joined: 4/21/2006
Msg: 77
Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/11/2006 7:58:39 AM
Hi, well physical abuse is awful, and you can see the bruises people try to hide them and make excuses for them,, unfortunately verbal abuse is worse in my eyes b/c the person always tells themself oh well they aren't hitting me and that would be much worse. ....but the effects of long-term verbal abuse can lead to alot of problems and the fact that verbal abuse is hard to prove b/c you can't see it....and also the person who is experiencing it finds it hard to escape b/c of the fact that they can't prove it or if they tell someone that someone might say OH NO forget it he/she would never do such a thing...wrong is a hard thing to prove and verbal abusers always make sure that no one is around while they do it.....just like physical abusers usually will not hit in the face........

Scary thought but any type of abuse has its long-term effects and I suggest anyone who suspects that this is going on with a friend or anyone who is experiencing it ..... telling yourself its all your fault....usually an abused person has little or no self worth or self esteem left and feel that they cannot move on b/c no one else will want them......

Any abuse can escalate into uncontrolable outbursts and this is what we are always reading on the front of the paper...when a spouse kills a spouse........!!!!!!! Eventually just like any sort of deviant behaviour the person doing it needs more to feel satisfied so it gets worse every time until one time it goes too far..... If this is you my friend get out now.....
God Bless and Good Luck
Joined: 1/13/2006
Msg: 78
Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/11/2006 8:10:44 AM
i am sure we all been thru some type of abuse...but in the end...why let them have our power. take charge of our power and your life an do something bout it. dont hide it cause eventually it will come back to haunt you in the near future....this will stop you from havin a good life...that you deserve to have. this is why so many are still single...think bout it...something inside stops you from lovin again....which is it? i am dealing with an issue and that ok...i'm not ashamed nor do i think less of msyelf....infact i have the courage to change it. least i am aware of it an doin something bout it. its not an easy thing to do or admit too...but we are only humans. i am tired of carring the burden an bein afraid of some i am puttin an end to this misery once an for i can live a peaceful life an be happy in the end with someone special. in the meantime...i remain single for its not fair to bruden someone else with my issue...i wouldnt like it. we all have problems but its how we bring it in to our future. i've come along ways...not to brag an i am proud to say..i am glad i am here today...lifes to short to let others take over our power....time to stand tall an take it back. so whats it going to be?? its your choice to make...your life. if your not ready for a relationship then its best you dont enter one...bein with someone isnt going to make things better and it wont change your will only affect the relationship in the long run and destroy it. i dont want to be alone for the rest of my remaining life...but i want to be with someone knowing my past has been dealt with an live happily together making a new life ahead of us by building our foundation as we grow together inlove with one another.....thats what important to me.
sorry i got little carried away. kookies
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 79
Verbal Abusers enjoy Hot Dogs
Posted: 11/11/2006 12:12:21 PM
The problem with verbal abuse is that it's subjective. Yes, there are obvious textbook examples of what verbal abuse is, but emotional and pschyological abuse can happen on more subtle levels.

The problem with human beings is that it's human nature to push the boundaries--in fact, it's encouraged in many aspects of society. Business is one of them.

I believe each individual is the master of their own destiny and has to take responsiblity for the situations they find themselves in that lead them to believe (many times rightfully so) that they are being subjected to abuse. Some people might not even be aware that you are interpreting their actions as abusive. It's up to you to either tell them so they can correct their actions or to disengage if you feel that they are not willing to respect your boundaries.

However, it's scary for someone in a vulnerable position to escape an abusive relationship. There are shelters and crisis lines and community support for those who get "sick and tired of being sick and tired". Please don't understand what I'm saying to mean that I am blaming the victim, because that's the last thing I would ever do.

One of the sad truths of life is that there are people out there who believe it's perfectly acceptable to dominate and abuse others--they want their targets to be in a a vulnerable position (and will seek out people who are vulnerable in some way); aren't going offer any help and will even blame you for their actions. The only way to end this is for the abused person to reclaim their personal power and move towards a healthier life.
Joined: 8/17/2005
Msg: 80
Verbal Abusers don't need to recieve forgiveness, you need to give it
Posted: 11/11/2006 1:00:06 PM

There is no such nature – these are merely habits. I can prove it. We have free will over all actions we take in every situation – whether we fly, fight, or even just stand there. To believe otherwise is to deny free will, and that would make this conversation impossible because otherwise the universe is just one giant machine and we are but tiny subcomponents with no moral impulse at all.

You don't have to prove's been done. You're simply mistaken. How many ferrel (sp?) children have been found throughout history??? While they did pick up some behaviours from the animals that raised them...they still ultimately retained all of the emotional responses you say simply don't exist.

The CHOICE to be free of this response comes AFTER the response has taken place. If I watch a scarey movie and get frightened by startling scene... I still jump and scream...then I remind myself that it's just a movie.

Ultimately...within the context of the original post...I believe Christ would argue that the two parties would have work to do before there could be harmony between the two. One is no more responsible than the other...and I don't recall seeing anything in that quote regarding actually FORGETTING either. To further illustrate my point...what does christ actually mean when he says "they know not what they do..."???

That statement implies that their negative stimulus comes from does not say that there is no negative stimulus.
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 81
Verbal Abusers Enjoy Hot Dogs
Posted: 11/11/2006 3:28:32 PM
^^^Is he arguing with me or agreeing with me? Not sure..

A person could choose to interpret another's words or actions in a different way, but they don't have to. If I feel uncomfortable with someone, I let them know. If they have offended me I let them know. That way they are aware of my disagreement with their behaviour. If they continue to do it, I don't believe that it's up to me to interpret it in a different way. At some point, I stop giving graces.

Physical and sexual abuse have concrete evidence. Some verbal abuse is clear within an established relationship (i.e. swearing, put downs, stonewalling, ignoring..etc.). Other power-abuses are not cut and dry and they are arbitrary and subjective. That's why I reserve the right to my own abitrary interpretations.

If the relationship feels good, hippy boy, do it. If it doesn't it's a bad trip, man.
Joined: 7/10/2006
Msg: 82
view profile
Verbal Abusers enjoy Hot Dogs
Posted: 11/11/2006 3:30:40 PM
hmmm, Jesus was a carpenter right?

If I had a chunk of wood for everytime my ex abused me mentally/physically...I would have built a house.....a very large house...

but where was jesus, while I was being abused?....

but on a second thought, where were my brains, when I was dating an abusive man....?

I think if Kids were taught more about abuse and how to deal and get help, what signs to look for, I think I would have never gotten myself in a possition, that took me over 3-5 years to get out of...afterall I was a 13 year old....and had this relationship until I was 18....from a horrible Ex, but still nobody taight me anything, so I was really just blinde does this make sense?

p.s. I think that it was Jesus that brought us here, but it was for us, to decide how we were going to live our lives....the man can only do so much, afterall, he takes care of us after we all have passed on!

P.S.S. In a weird way, I feel asthough I will never escape those abusive moments, I think in a strange but true way, they will stay with me throughout life, not to harm me, but to keep me on my feet, and it will caution me to make better choice's with whoever I fall for next!;0)
Joined: 10/7/2006
Msg: 83
Verbal Abusers take back the day
Posted: 11/11/2006 3:38:14 PM

A person could choose to interpret another's words or actions in a different way, but they don't have to. If I feel uncomfortable with someone, I let them know. If they have offended me I let them know. That way they are aware of my disagreement with their behaviour. If they continue to do it, I don't believe that it's up to me to interpret it in a different way. At some point, I stop giving graces.

Is that how that works? I always thought if you let someone know they made you feel uncomfortable, or have offended you, etc, that you are simply being a nag, and insulting!

Is that when I should have stopped giving graces?

Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 84
Verbal Abusers Enjoy Hot Dogs
Posted: 11/11/2006 3:50:21 PM
If you politely tell them (i.e. without a confrontational tone) that you are not comfortable or feel offended and they counter with accusations of being a nag or react with anger, that says something. Especially if this happens on repeated occasions.

I could say that yes, that's when you should have stopped giving graces, yet I would be a hypocrite if I said that. I gave my ex-boyfriend far too many graces. Ultimately, this drags you down....that's where the sick and tired of being sick and tired comes in.

And I don't think a relationship should be about kabbitzing (sp?) over power. Yes, there is a phase where the differences of each individual will collide, but with mutual respect and healthy communication, these things can be overcome. For that to happen, there has to be love and caring and conflict is different than abuse.

Life's too short to be dragged down or feel sick and tired all the time.
Joined: 10/28/2006
Msg: 85
Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/11/2006 6:58:43 PM
Verbal abuse..
Well i have been in two relashionships where i was verbally abused on a daily basis.
I didn't relsie how much it was affecting me until, I started one getting down on myself, and two started getting angry...
If someone calls you name, puts you down every single day it starts to take it's tole on you..
It hurts you just as much as Physical abuse, the only difference is you don't have the physical scars or bruises..But you do end up with emotional scars..
I was smart enough to eventually relise that the way I was being treated was wrong..
So the first guy I left over night..Packed my bags and furniture got a van and left him, never looking back..The weight on my shoulders was lifted within a day I could feel the difference.
The next guy was a few years later..It didn't take me long..he was sweet at first but turned into a dirt bag once we moved in together..A real jerk, Everything I did was wrong, I was concidered a whore when I talked to friends on the phone or on the computer..I was a **** if he didn't get his way..I was cheating constantly in his eyes, It was driving me nuts..So after a month of it I started to get fed up..So he whent to work and came home and found his stuff packed and out the door he whent..
Ya I kicked him out.
No one I mean no one should be verbally abused it's just not right.
So if it happens again I know what to look for now.
Why settle for a man or a woman that do nothing but hurt you.
I rather find someone that makes me smile.
You get sick of crying after a while

Joined: 8/17/2005
Msg: 86
Are you going to the pants party?
Posted: 11/11/2006 9:35:09 PM
A person could choose to interpret another's words or actions in a different way, but they don't have to. If I feel uncomfortable with someone, I let them know. If they have offended me I let them know. That way they are aware of my disagreement with their behaviour. If they continue to do it, I don't believe that it's up to me to interpret it in a different way. At some point, I stop giving graces.

Amen is too short. The extension that I'd add is that my door is always open...just take the time to knock.
Joined: 8/13/2006
Msg: 87
Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/12/2006 4:30:51 AM
I've been married to a verbally abusive person for nearly 5 years. We're getting divorced now, but I just stuck with her because of my children. It's certainly not a fun ordeal to provide 95% of the income, and do whatever your spouse asks pretty much only to be dubbed a selfish, pos, loser when they're in one of their moods. Pretty much this, and a lack of sex drove me to finally ending it.
Joined: 8/23/2005
Msg: 88
Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/12/2006 11:20:49 AM
Hey, all:

Except for the troll, a very good, honest, helpful thread.

Some current thoughts of relationship have brought my past up, so it seems appropriate to review my own history.

I was in a verbally abusive marriage, which fortunately only lasted a total of 3 1/2 years, and we actually only lived together 2. She was a teacher and everyone I ever spoke to said she had a great persona in school. Well, jus' lahk Messrs. Jekyll and Hyde, it weren't the same at home. While some endure grinding soul-destroying years of abuse, mine was so intense I guess it became unbearable much sooner than in others' experience. I suspect if many people had the flesh verbally ripped from their bones, they would have bailed even sooner.

I never had and idea of her behavior until a month after we got married (met 1 year previously). From then on it was a up and down, but overall downhill psychic and emotional rollercoaster ride. Why did I stay?--ah, stupid pretty much covers it. It also expains why I stayed as long as I did. I can only say I didn't stay until it killed me--either emotionally or physically.

I have learned an awful lot since then (17-18 years) so I feel redeemed now. In fact, I split up with someone I was going to marry because the hair on the back of my neck started standing up. When that phenomenon, whatever you call it--inner voice, gut, back-of-the-neck--happens to you, say "sayonara, adios, goombye" and run like the wind.

The absolute last thing anyone should do is try and put up with it because you love them or you think they will change. Run--don't look past your shoulder--get a new life. You are too worthy not to. Hire some great big sumb-i-t-c-h to put 'em in the hospital if they bother or threaten you--or call the cops. Simple slow escalation ('oh, but I don't want to hurt 'em') seldom means anything to them. People like this need a FIRM lesson taught to them. The only approach they understand is a very harsh direct one. Learn self defense and if they come at you give 'em everything you have learned.

Counseling, groups, such as Codependents Anonymous, individual efforts with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) books that you can get and read and practice, all will help you be the person you wish to be. It all depends what you put into it. Good luck!


Messages done with sustainable energy, with Wind and Sun!
 Light Storm
Joined: 5/23/2006
Msg: 89
view profile
Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/12/2006 1:44:02 PM
Dear geriberry

I personally chalk people that resort to verbal and physical abuse as people that are really upset with themselves and need to vent their own frustrations out onto the world. I also don’t understand why people get mad, angry or pissed off at things out side of their control, I personally see that as a total waste of energy. Keep a level perspective and try to understand everything with an open mind, when someone starts using harsh words or actions… ask yourself what that person might be thinking in their own mind so that you can get a better idea of how their feeling and understand it and from that point help them move forward in overcoming it.

Joined: 10/6/2006
Msg: 90
view profile
Verbal Abusers -- what is the answer ?
Posted: 11/12/2006 8:26:53 PM
Dear SoTexMan ,

Thank you for your helpful post . Do you think verbal abusers can be rehabilitated (or is divorce always the answer) ? If they can , what criteria should you use to make that judgement-- objectively speaking ( seeing you are a scientist ) ?

I would be interested to read your observations as you have "been there done that " .
Joined: 9/7/2006
Msg: 91
Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/12/2006 9:13:06 PM
yes it can be just as damaging. i speak from distant past experience. the relationship started out fine, then slowly he became verbally abusive - just a little at first. it built. once it got to a certain point, he added physical abuse to the mix. after all, i was still there, wasn't i? i let him treat me like crap, why not let him beat me too?... the person in question needs to get out of this relationship as fast as possible, if not sooner. you don't have to take it. you don't deserve it. you have worth, you have a brain. you are a human being. no one should be allowed to do this to someone else. they do it for power. they have power over their victim. once the victim takes that power away though, the abuser will often be very very pissed. my advise is to get a gun, take lessons, and learn self defense, in case he catches you without the gun. it's about the power - not love.
 Light Storm
Joined: 5/23/2006
Msg: 92
view profile
Verbal Abusers enjoy Hot Dogs
Posted: 11/13/2006 12:20:46 AM
Dear Prettypicky

If you read the forum rules located here "" you will see that PoF has it's own defination for trolls :) and I quote

"* Troll noun, adj., verb (discussion board slang) 1. can be someone who is "trolling" for responses, the way a fisherman trolls for fish - he puts a baited hook in the water and sees how many nibbles he gets on it, often 'hijacking' the topic completely. 2. an off-topic post to see how many people he can catch responding to it. 3. Any series of messages from a poster who is set on causing conflict or provoking other posters. Also called "Troll Post or Posting"."

 I love hockey
Joined: 8/30/2006
Msg: 93
Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/13/2006 12:30:40 AM
Verbal abuse is just as bad as any other kind. Just go ask the kids that hear it from their a$$hole parents. Doesnt matter what age you are or what relationship you have with the abuser... it damages the person receiving it.
Joined: 5/30/2006
Msg: 94
view profile
Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/13/2006 12:57:43 AM
does calling unknown people a$$holes count as verbal abuse? or do you think you actually have to know them? i don't believe you do...but i think physical proximity and/or a specific target are necessary ingredients for verbal abuse. in nyc, it is a frequently observed occurrence. an irritated businessman gets in a store owner's face, or yells at a waitress, or a cabbie. people use vile names at the drop of a hat. does that hurt the abusee? probably does, to some extent. and if a person called me an a$$hole directly, in writing, here on a forum, i'd probably think that was a self-description...but someone else might be hurt by being called a name. (i'm glad to report that i do not see this type of name calling on the pof forums very often.)

purplemarbles - now you have to explain "killfile". (and, i absolutely your pup.)
 I love hockey
Joined: 8/30/2006
Msg: 95
Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/13/2006 1:06:34 AM
does calling unknown people a$$holes count as verbal abuse?

I'm sorry but there are no other words for parents that belittle their children by calling them stupid, or ugly, fat, useless... and a whole sleuth of other names. I get to hear my neighbour do it all day and then see their little ones cry. To me, thats an a$$hole. The name fits the crime.

And I wasnt calling anyone on here an a$$hole... just for the record.
Joined: 10/6/2006
Msg: 96
view profile
Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/13/2006 1:17:16 AM
the_humormonger :

Ah a fellow animal lover

Now to answer your query , to "killfile" someone is internet slang for a way of deleting all the posts of a user that annoys you .

Also , I would agree with you about NYC . Verbal abuse is extremely common to the point of being an identifying feature of the culture overthere . I've copped a lot over the years .
Joined: 8/1/2006
Msg: 97
Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/13/2006 1:24:02 AM
Dear geriberry,

I hate to repeat myself but you asked for it! I am a victim of abuse after growing up in a home where is was allowed and again by my ex. I would have to say that verbal abuse is the worst because it leaves scarrs that never go away. They echo in your head, the after effects come back in the form PTSD and it takes a good therapist to get through it.
So F.Y.I. here goes:

limited or no eye-to-eye contact during conversations
nervous energy, tension, always on edge, paces
angry gestures (snorts, points, commands)
angry, threatening faces
towers over you, using body as a weapon
invades your personal body space/boundaries
destroys property (especially of emotional value)
shoves, pushes, kicks, pulls hair, punches, etc.

crude, sexual innuendos, jokes
constantly depressed
emotional child, learner
hasn't dealt with an abusive childhood
disrespects all women, mother, strong women
puts down sensitive men
insists on doing things he knows you detest
tells you what you want, need, enjoy
puts down your ideas, dreams, feelings
puts you down if you if you don't go along with his ideas
treats you like a child
doesn't consider you in major family decisions
poor listener and communicator
tells you how situation is - no choice
superior attitude
tries to make you feel guilty (look what I've done for you)
critcizes you intelligence, ability to cope, appearance, sexuality, weight, etc.
lies, tells half-truths
makes inappropriate sexual advances
listens but will not expose himself
sees self as victim, acts the martyr, poor me
appears to need "fixing,"
wants to be mothered
abuses alcohol, drugs
always "sorry"
very moody, roller coaster existence
super charmer, Don Juan
no friends or many you don't like
values "no disagreements" in family
discourages your growth (school, job, etc)
does not take responsibility for self
very articulate, master of words
brags excessively
very defensive
low self-esteem, controlling
uses children as weapon against you
thinks of self as center of universe

tense, on edge, feel like you're "walking on eggs"
stomach problems
tension in back, headaches
asthma attacks, high blood pressure
eating and sleeping difficulties
drinking and drug use
tightness in throat
feeling of weight on chest

paralysed, scared, terrified
feel like you're going crazy
feel suicidal, homicidal
very anxious
distrustful, uncomfortable (s0mething's not right)
feel incapable, stupid, ugly
very confused
resentful, vengeful
fed up
dead, trapped
sub-human, unimportant
neglected, very low self-esteem, powerless
guilty, conflicted
defeated, hopeless, frustrated, bitter
hateful, shaky, paranoid
sad, lonely, off-balanced
bored with others self-centered talk
make excuses for other's abuse
avoiding social interactions (scared/embarrassed)

possessiveness, jealousy, over-protectiveness
excessive charm
offers to "take care" of you
periods of depression, general emotional isolation (no friends, minimal socializing)
rigid ideas about male and female roles
high frustration level, little flexibility
tendency to minimize, deny, lie
always blames you or others for problems in relationship or life
negative recall of past relationships, tells you of past affairs
negative talk, jokes about women
yelling, name calling, repeated insults (emotional abuse)
neglecting physical needs of dependents (animals, children, parents)
past history of violent behavior
physically violent with pets, animals, property
threatens violence to victim, self, property
shoving, shaking, jerking, pulling, throwing objects
no conflict resolution process as a couple that works
substance abuse (alcoholism, drug dependency)
selfishness, monopolizes attention, need to always be "right," ignores your feelings

Not all abusers exhibit all of these characteristics. If you can identify a cluster of these warning signs, you may be getting involved with someone who will abuse you in the future.

Please copy this, post it where you can check it from time to time and good luck!

There is life after abuse.....I am living proof!
 to venus and back
Joined: 11/8/2006
Msg: 98
Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/13/2006 2:15:32 AM
i think once you have been with someone who is really verbally abusive you know you dont ever want someone in your life like that again...the rollercoaster is the worst.........i love, adore you/now i ****ing hate you you slut.the constant demands of the insecure person as the posts always change and always your never know where you stand with them and you start to feel insecure because if they go out and keep mentioning women you think of all the nasty things they have said like your no good in bed etc and start to feel that you are always under threat of being "replaced" was the worst time of my life and i became suicidal and withdrawn and then they had the cheek to say i was unstable..........funny that since then i have become very calm and enjoyed time with my friends,dates etc and get on well with others no prob..also i found that id start to become verbal back as it was rubbing off on me being filled with someone eles poison they drag you down with them.they are also the biggest hypocrites to advice pls for your own sense get out.stay out and enjoy life......ppl like that dont change it gets worse as the pay off for them is high.
Joined: 9/8/2006
Msg: 99
view profile
Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/13/2006 4:43:19 AM
I was verbally abused big time almost right from the start of my marriage. I was very young and naive and knew no better. Words cut sharp and deep. I was reduced to feeling that I wasn't worth the life I was living. Oh, he NEVER struck me...but he yelled in my face, he spit on me...(I can't understand that one)...he threw plates of food across the room and insulted whatever I did. The food wasn't good enough or not done on time..criticism on my hair, clothes etc. I could go on but you get what I am trying to say.

It didn't stop there. Going to see his family was even worse. At his family's home in Nova Scotia, (I live in Ontario), not only did he continue treating me badly, ignoring me, commanding me to do things etc...his sisters and mom were no better. They degraded me with their words, insulting me. All the while I was there they let me know without a thought that I wasn't pretty enough, didn't dress correctly...I wasn't thin enough or smart enough.

Believe me, I know better now since we've all parted ways seven years ago, that I AM very intelligent and only felt stupid by the way they made me feel. I know now that it was their insecurities that made them feel that they had to degrade me and to bring me down to their level, to make themselves feel better.

I wouldn't wish what I went through all those years on my worst enemy...(in which I don't have any). Of course, he didn't treat me that way in front of my family but they saw the changes in me and how introverted I had become. I felt like I was a prisoner in my own home.

I've come a long way and have still retained my sense of humor and my zest for life. Even though I won't take any BS from my ex or anymore else anymore, I live a good life and from the experience I went through only made me a better person with empathy for all. I don't carry baggage from what I went through...I feel it made me a stronger person. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

I know all men ARE NOT like my ex. I have my self confidence back and my intellect has kicked in. Although I had it all along, when someone demeans another, it reduces one to a menial puddle of a person.

I have a successful business that I own and love. I've taken back my life. NOW my ex often says that he is proud of me, who I've become and how I have grown. His words make no difference to the way I feel now. It took us parting for that to happen.

I had the honor of meeting a fantastic guy who turned everything around for me, gave me my confidence back, my self esteem and gave me space with patience to find out who I really was. We are no longer together due to circumstances beyond our control...but now I feel I am who I was all along and missed that person for many years and I will never look back.
 Smiles a lot
Joined: 10/22/2006
Msg: 100
Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/13/2006 6:01:59 AM
I was both physically and verbally abused as a child and the verbal abuse sticks with me longer.
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