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Joined: 1/11/2013
Msg: 100
Dating a woman who has been abused in the pastPage 13 of 18    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)
^^^^That describes a number of women here(&elsewhere), many love to be treated like garbage for some reason, despite claiming they don't. We've all gotten the "you're too nice" bs from women. Never understood that.
Joined: 12/11/2012
Msg: 101
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 3/17/2013 7:35:58 AM
Being in an abusive relationship, whether it's physical or mental abuse, it takes a toll on a person, and impairs judgement in making a right decision.

When i was 19, my ex had a record of being violent with his wife. He had a criminal record of domestic violence. Although when we were together he was never physical with me. He was however emotionally abusive to me. I tried to leave him but he was like a friggen boomer rang. Always kept coming back and I was basically stuck and didn't know what to do.

Eventually things ended and I was free of him but the scar he left me with took a long time to heal. I enter a new relationship shortly after that abusive one and although the guy was wonderful to me, wanted to marry me, I was scared. What if he had a temper that I didn't know about, what if this, or what if that.

I ended things with him and was single for 7 years. I couldn't sleep at nights cuz I had nightmares that my ex had somehow found me and was harassing me again. A co-worker's voice over the phone would scare me everytime he would call cuz his voice was exactly like my ex's. This went on for years. I needed to feel safe in my own environment and that it took time for me to deal with. I finally stopped being afraid and I told myself, if my ex really wanted to hurt me or kill me, he would have found me by now. But he didn't and that gave me a sigh of relief.

We don't have feelings for our abusive partners, we just haven't dealt with the issues.

If u want things to work out between u and her, u need to make her feel safe, make her feel wanted, loved and make her realize that ur different than her ex. And although it will take time for her to heal, but she will get there.

And NO I am not damaged goods! He was the only guy I ever dated that was mentally abusive to me. It did get into a physical altercation at one point but luckily for me, his brothers were there to stop him.

So for guys to think that women are damaged goods once they have been in an abusive relationships, that's like saying a woman who was raped, well then that was her fault.

Joined: 10/15/2012
Msg: 102
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 3/17/2013 9:56:22 AM
If the first few minutes you talk and the EX'S come out of her mouth then please believe that won't be the last time that you will hear that... That basically means they are far from over them ,,I met a lady just the other night we talked no BS 2mins in the conversation the EX can out and I proceeded to hang up I'm no Dr Phil or even one bit interested in hearing that...
Joined: 1/24/2013
Msg: 103
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 3/17/2013 4:48:17 PM
wow i was with a women for two years and she was treated lke shit her x would whistled to call her for 21 years ,she could not understand why i treated her like gold .i loved her. she would talk to me then would not talk to me for two or three days then she would say sorry and i would go back,
we moved in together and it was a mess well she went back to him because that was all she knew ooo it helped he has alot of money and she did not have to work for 21 years and going back for money is not the answer
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 104
view profile
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 3/17/2013 9:33:07 PM
OP, let me put a psychological bent on your situation. If a woman has been abused (let's say sexually), then here's what happens in a nutshell. She meets a new man. She really likes the new man. As long as they are just friends, she goes along fine. In fact, as just friends, she is likely to even fall in love with the man. Then she has sex with the man. Now, in her mind (most likely sub-conscious), a love/hate relationship begins. This is due to the fact that sexual abuse, is "sex with the enemy". Her mind twists this around to mean any time a man has sex with her, he becomes the enemy. So now she has an internal conflict she is in love with the enemy. And the relationship becomes stressful at best, and downright psychotic at worst. Either way, the first thing the woman needs to do is confront and vent her rage at the sexual abuse she endured, before she can escape its effects, and have a truly enjoyable love life. Physical abuse by a love is no different, just where the effects are reversed.
Joined: 12/9/2007
Msg: 105
view profile
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 10/29/2013 6:59:57 AM
Wow , I dated alot of women that have been abused and emotionally damaged, for some reason I was very very attracted to these women. i wanted to be their hero , remove the froms, make them smile, clean the tears make them laugh, turn dispair into hope and resentment into love. Boy no matter what, ex con women, almost homeless women, sad women with no hope or just one with negativity , or scars of physical abuse.....

Virtually never ever anything positive for both of us ever came of a relationship, usually starts from a pleasant or neutral dating experience to a very problematic and drama filled relationship. The ones beaten blue and black get back with the same type of abuser, the unfortunate still seeks unfortunate experiences, the homeless go back to the streets the ex con goes back to the slammer, the damaged single moms go back to the hole they were in and no one really cared about me they just cared about projecting the abuse to the one that loves them.

At this time I am working on another abused woman hahahaha the repair is not quite completed, I overinflated her sel f esteem so far, awaiting retaliation....
Joined: 8/5/2013
Msg: 106
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 10/29/2013 1:49:02 PM
We all get abused in life to some degree, so to reject someone who was abused just on that basis alone would be wrong. Some mental abuse is almost as bad as physical abuse, so while women tend to be victims of physical abuse more, mental abuse is probably more equal. It should depend on many factors, how long ago did it happen, how long did the victim let it go on, were there any non abusive relationships since then. etc.
Joined: 10/27/2012
Msg: 107
view profile
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/1/2013 1:58:31 PM
To view all women who have been abused in the past the same way, is the same as viewing all black people the same.
It's stereotyping and everyone is different.

Now based on this thread, it's obvious there are some general categories though. People can be abused violently, sexually, or emotionally(And I'm not talking about, "omg he broke my heart", I'm talking extreme emotional abuse. I've seen some of you equate life problems to this, and that's just stupid). There are some people who recover fully, and are normal people save the memory. There are some people who keep a severe distrust, and borderline hatred, if not full hatred, of men. Then there are some who overcompensate, and act super-confident all the time. Then some just go full on crazy. There are some that still have some problems but are more than capable of forming a healthy relationship. I'm sure there are other ways people cope, but those are what I think are the big ones.
I have to say, if you're going to avoid any, avoid the ones who overcompensate. That's in my experience, dated someone who was physically abused by an ex, and she definitely overcompensated. They didn't really fix their problems, they just glossed over them, and they will come up at some point. They're the ones who will compare you to the abuser at some point, when you've done nothing wrong. The relationship may seem great at first, but it will spiral....and what may seem like small problems will just get worse and worse.

Let's not judge people differently if they were abused in the past. Judge people on their character and actions. But let's not pretend that some people aren't "damaged goods." Based on my past experience, I'm going to be very cautious if someone tells me they were abused in the past, I know I won't be able to help it. But you should do as I say, not as I do.
Joined: 11/22/2013
Msg: 108
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 12/21/2013 8:10:36 PM
While being compassionate is noble, I would be cautious. I don't want to be in a position where I'm having to prove I'm better then that jerk that gave her grief.
Joined: 8/31/2013
Msg: 109
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 12/22/2013 7:56:35 PM
[quoteDo not do it. There are few absolutes in life, however, this would be one I would live by, whether for me or if I were advising a young relative who came to me for advice.

"NEVER, EVER, EVER deal with a woman who has been abused (physically, emotionally, verbally, whatever), do NOT do it!" In your mind, you will 'fix' her and she will be forever grateful.

Not gonna' happen. Human beings do not like feeling "gratitude". What she will feel for you (sooner or later) is "hate".

Adults who have allowed themselves to be abused (and ultimately, they did allow it), are hollow, broken people.
The only person suitable for a hollow, broken person, is another hollow, broken person.

Few people have the resources, self-reflection, discipline, and initiative to get the professional help that they need. So, (especially if they are physically attractive), they just wait for some good hearted, sucker to come by, offering to 'help' them.

The good hearted sucker may or may not have good intentions. Either way, do not be that good hearted sucker.


Biggest crock of horseshyte I've ever read. From first word, to last.
Joined: 1/8/2014
Msg: 110
view profile
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 6/3/2014 10:51:50 AM
Hello, everyone.

This is a very interesting and touching subject. I have recently met someone that I care for very much. We finally shared intimate things about our past and she told me what happened to her, all I could do was hug her when tears ran down her eyes. She has been through a lot ( both sexual and mental abuse) and I can see how confused, scared and frustrated she is. I wouldn't trust what a guy says either after all that. So, its tough to me because I know im being genuine but it doesn't really matter what I say, she has to believe it. I just want to be there as much as I can and not think about what I want. I cant save anyone that's for sure, but I can be passionate and hopefully see her find some peace.

It must be so hard for her to know who's feelings are genuine, who's telling the truth, and who's are bullshit. I believe she does like me but she is scared and has told me, she just doesn't want to fall in the same trap. She has a lot on her plate and getting out of a 6 year relationship when we met couldn't have been worse timing. Needless to say, I do care for her but I want to see her heal and have time to figure herself out. I realize that, that is crucial for her to move on and rebuild herself and identity. So, all I can do is keep doing my thing I guess and check in on her from time to time. I just hope she doesn't go back to something that is familiar and thinks that that's what she deserves.........I really hope not........=/ I hope I am looking at all this the right way.........any thoughts ladies?
Joined: 4/14/2014
Msg: 111
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 6/10/2014 6:46:11 AM
All that I have to say is be prepared to earn the trust because she was very trusting in the other relationship(s) without it being earned and she got burned bad by being naive.
Joined: 8/11/2013
Msg: 112
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 6/10/2014 9:56:07 AM
any thoughts ladies?

It's good that you're there for her like that. I'm a victim of abuse myself, and I don't tell men about it at all. Perhaps you could get to know her and not focus on her history of abuse. The brain is plastic; when exposed to new, better experiences - we do heal.
Joined: 4/1/2012
Msg: 114
view profile
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 7/27/2014 7:07:17 AM
This thread is very old. The sentiment is not.

I find NOTHING attractive, intriguing, or interesting about taking on this type of project (a woman who has endured ANY level of physical, mental, and/or emotional abuse). I am NOT in any way qualified to help her and, of the guys I knew that tried to take on projects like this, it NEVER, EVER worked out well.

And, this is why (for ME), substantive conversation is SO VERY important. Until I get to really know a woman, I could not care less about who her favorite celebrities are, what her favorite color is, or her opinion on global warming, what I DO want to know is, "What kind of childhood did she have?" "What kinds of guys has she dealt with in her life?" "Is she a 'relationship-minded' female?" "What types of men excite her?" If she is evasive or I get the gut feeling that she is holding back or being less than candid, I lose interest.............with a quickness. Unfortunately, in America today, there are TONS & TONS of men & women who have been through all manner of abuse and horrors that I cannot even imagine.

Yes, it is possible that a person's abuse could have started when they were only a child, by a father or other relative/adult...............that is unfortunate and there are plenty of professional resources available. However, for cases of ex's and whatnot, I am NOT looking to pay the price for the types of men that a woman (and her 'woman's intuition') have selected and chosen. I have heard about some abused women, saying and doing some of the most cold-blooded things, to guys who seemingly had done NOTHING but try to treat these types well. She couldn't exact revenge on her abuser, so, whatever other guy is available and in her orbit would suffice.

No, thank you.
Joined: 2/19/2014
Msg: 115
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 7/27/2014 7:26:44 AM
I think people who are that arbitary (ex. "won't date anyone who's been abused", "won't date anyone younger/older than them", "won't date anyone outside their race, etc") are setting themselves up to miss out on a lot of possibilities.

I think it's a lot better to actually have at least 1 conversation with a person and get a feel for who they are, than just set up arbitrary criteria like that. No 2 people are exactly alike
Joined: 2/19/2014
Msg: 116
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 7/27/2014 7:27:40 AM
As a rule I don't date people who have criteria such as "I don't date (insert random demographic here)" because I think this makes them look narrow-minded and not very intelligent.
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 117
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 7/27/2014 8:02:22 AM

Until I get to really know a woman,

"What kind of childhood did she have?" "What kinds of guys has she dealt with in her life?" "Is she a 'relationship-minded' female?"

Until you really get to know a woman,I don't think she has any obligation to delve into these topics with you.

It is of course your perfect right to make whatever rules you want to for yourself when it comes to whom you date, but when first getting to know a guy,(unless they are staging a debate for some reason) many women will not get into a lot of deep stuff about their psychological history, their relationships with parents, siblings and detailed descriptions of past relationships/marriages.

Me, I don't DARE breath a word about my life between 1974 and 2001 because it very likely would involve my late husband, and EVERYBODY KNOWS that widowed women have enshrined their late spouses!-so any mention of my life with him would make any prospective new relationship partner fear that he would have to "compete with a ghost".

Believe me, TONS of women-and men!- DO heal and get past a history of "abuse", emotional injury, socioeconomic adversity caused by relationship failure.
It isn't what went on in someone's PAST, it is how they deal with their world going FORWARD.

I do not disagree with you that there is a subset of PEOPLE who seem to be dating for vengeance. It is not something just done by women. I see lots of men who seem to have let a grudge take root in their soul, because they feel hard done by when the relationship ended... I will NEVER understand why being required to contribute to the subsistence of children ad the woman who gave birth to them is seen by so many men as some kind of legally-condoned abuse.

I guess I would be equally as appalled as you are if you were talking about women who were killing off the men they date,but I would be appalled at ANYBODY who inflicted physical violence or severe psychological abuse on subsequent partners due to an abusive experience.

If you are talking about "cold-blooded" as being somehow "using" men for money or whatever, or deciding to end a relationship for reasons a man can't or won't understand-canwe then also call it "cold-blooded" on the part of men who seek to mislead and use women, or men who date a woman and then dump her because she spends too much time( in HIS opinion) with her children or other obligations?

I think you may find that many women will say "no thank you" to a man who comes at them wanting to immediately know details of family-of-origin life, past relationships, etc and also immediately presuming that any negative/adverse experiences( or the presence of minor children) is going to make the women say and do "cold-blooded things".

I hear it time and time again, women are in the wrong because they come into dating with a "list of requirements". So please, how does expecting to find a woman with no past adversity in her life any different than that?
Cindy O
Joined: 4/1/2012
Msg: 118
view profile
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 7/27/2014 8:58:47 AM
@ brainiacs, smart alecks, rocket surgeons, and amateur psychologists:

By all means, you and the rather inquisitive fellow above you (who is "curious" to know why women won't give out their phone numbers), do what works for you.

I try to learn from the mistakes that I have seen other men make. I am not going to live long enough to make all the mistakes for myself..................nor do I want to.

"Everyone is different......................" blah, blah, blah, but, "MORE OFTEN THAN NOT", some random guy with a "hero" complex, riding in on his white horse, is NOT in any way qualified or equipped to take on this type of project.
However, "hats off" if he wants to try.

I play the odds.

The interesting thing about forums like this, is that they are ALL about "opinions", yet, people get their panties twisted up, because THEIR opinion is not in line with another person's. I come in, type MY opinion, and get out. "I like chocolate ice cream (I don't give a d@mn what flavor the person before OR after me prefers). You (not, "YOU" personally), think chocolate ice cream sucks, INSTEAD of just typing, "Butter Pecan is my favorite", ALL the brainiacs, amateur psychologists, and 'rocket surgeons' come running, "Anybody who likes chocolate is stupid." "People who like chocolate suck." "Your mother wears combat boots." Woo, woo.

Reading comprehension being what it is in America today, I will type it again, more slowly this time,
"I have zero interest in dating or attempting to date a woman who has endured any form of mental, verbal, emotional, or physical abuse."

That's what works for ME. I STRONGLY encourage EVERY ONE else to seek out people who have been abused.

There are many reasons for MY choice, not the least of which is, "I enjoy treating a woman that I am interested in, very well. My best experiences were with women who were accustomed to being treated very well. I like a woman who ENJOYS treating me very well, NOT a woman playing an endless loop in her head of, "I don't trust him, he's probably like my ex." "I am scared." "What if he........................, like my ex did?" "Uh oh, we are having a heated discussion, and he raised his voice, let me get my cell phone.............9-1-............

Blind trust is NOT wise. I am talking about a woman who has never 'needed' someone so badly, that they would not walk, the very first time a guy was that disrespectful in conversation, much less, resorted to physical violence. There is something I have always found very attractive about a woman who is NOT afraid to walk (and KEEP walking), if and when a man is, "off the chain". I also have found that I am attracted to women who have consistently demonstrated finely tuned 'instincts' and 'women's intuition' about men.

I am wholly unaware of any women in my immediate family OR in my dating past, who have suffered verbal, mental, or physical "abuse". So, this is just the type of woman that I am used to dealing with.

Again, if others like to date (or find out more) or whatever, abuse 'survivors', I strongly encourage them to do it.

I am looking to date, relate, and chop up substantive 2-way conversation with undamaged, emotionally available, 100% single women, NOT play camp counselor, hero, and, NOT to PROVE myself to someone, that I "am not like an abusive ex." I am realistic enough to know, that that may very possibly mean that I am single for the remainder of my days on this earth. I would prefer that that not be the case, however, I lead a 100% drama-free/stress-free life, and I want to keep it that way. Call me crazy, judgmental, or just plain, mental, but I KNOW exactly what I want. I want to meet a woman who ENHANCES what I've got going on, NOT a (long-term) project, which has a very high likelihood of NOT ending in a loving, long-term, monogamous relationship.
Joined: 2/19/2014
Msg: 119
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 7/27/2014 9:10:01 AM
I can read people better in conversation than arbitrary statistics.

If a woman seems overly needy or clingy I detect that in conversation, body language etc and that's a warning sign for me. I wouldn't just arbitrarily end contact with a woman because I heard at one point she'd "been abused". If she wanted me to "be her therapist" or I got a vibe that she's paranoid and not trusting then that'd be the dealbreaker.
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 120
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 7/27/2014 9:37:21 AM

NOT play camp counselor, hero, and, NOT to PROVE myself to someone, that I "am not like an abusive ex."

You don't think we women aren't having the same experiences with men who think they got "took to the cleaner" with men who claim their ex-wife "didn't like sex" or men who got "blindsided" when their (untreated symptoms) menopausal wives filed for divorce the minute the last kid left the nest?

Or men who just plain got damaged when their short marriage ended? Men who are out there trying to rationalize
their relationship failures and their difficulties with finding a woman who is a total blank slate?

Oh, they are out there-the unscarred-or, more likely at this stage of the game-the completely recovered, the "equilibrium regained"-but it takes spending time with that person to determine this.

If one heads for the door the second a failed relationship or an adverse social experience is mentioned, or if one demands that new relationship prospects immediately provide a complete previous-life autopsy, I think one is expecting way too much "instant answers" . But again, that is just my thoughts, my contribution to the discussion.

OF COURSE we have to give some consideration to the past life of a dating/relationship prospect, but I'm more interested in how they've handled their experiences and how they relate to the world they live in TODAY, rather than standing there with a checklist ready to dismiss someone-or what's worse, IMO- trying to manipulate them into an involvement that predominantly benefits ME, using their past life experience as a weapon.

I think maybe we ALL are a bit guilty of behavior that resembles visiting a used car "economical transportation" lot, and having a hissy fit because a brand new Lamborghini is not on offer there.

I also feel that online daters - especially the forum participant subset of that group!- tend to be quite idealistic.
Whether that is good or bad doesn't matter, it's simply a factor that exists.
Cindy O
Joined: 4/1/2012
Msg: 121
view profile
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 7/27/2014 11:05:57 AM
Now, Cindy we are singing from the SAME hymnal.

If I had a female relative or friend who asked me for advice about a specific guy, and that guy had been the 'victim'/'survivor' (whatever adjective is in fashion nowadays) in any type of (emotional, physical, verbal) relationship, I would not offer her advice, because adults ALWAYS do whatever the hell they want anyway
In my own head, I would be thinking, "DON'T DO IT!!! It's much easier to walk away after date #3, than "year #3".

the odds are decidedly NOT in that woman's favor.

Maybe, she gets the 1 in 10,000 lottery ticket. The question is, "Do you want to put yourself, your happiness, your future on the line for those kind of odds? And, equally if not more so importantly, "Why?" When there are so many single men out here, who aren't bringing that kind of stuff with them, into your life.

I believe that people in general (and specifically women), are attracted to "types". My belief is only reinforced reading forums RIGHT here, about "chemistry", "sparks", and "attraction". More women than not, wrote in these very forums (pick ANY one of the dozens on the topic), that they meet a guy, and, "it's either there right away, or it's not". MOST women do not SEEM to thinking to themselves, "You know what, I have always dated 6 foot tall, dark, blue-collar guys who are really into sports, but I really feel on the same wavelength with this 5'8", blonde, attorney, who doesn't know a flea flicker from a flea collar. Nope. It TENDS to ALL be a subconscious, emotional decision. "The heart wants what the heart wants." All of these people who have these horror stories about ex's, also have a shoebox full of smiling photos, in an attic somewhere, depicting 'the happy couple', in the throes of love, with this VERY same person, ........................and your parents, friends, Mother Theresa, the Pope, and God herself, could NOT have talked you out of your "love" for this person. I typed all that to mean,............................MORE OFTEN THAN NOT, it is MY opinion, that there is something about her perception of masculinity, that she finds attractive/alluring, about a guy who is predisposed to that type of behavior.

However, we are in FULL agreement, I think it unwise for an undamaged, emotionally available woman to initiate, pursue, continue, or to escalate a relationship with a man who has a whole, "She done me wrong", "she got the kids, the house, the boat, and half my pension" saga that they regurgitate to anyone who will listen (or pretend to). For ME, I like the idea of the damaged people seeking out professional help and/or dating and relating with others who have been in their same (or similar) situations, and can relate 100% to each other.

An ex once accused me of having lived a sheltered life. At the time, I kinda' took offence to it, however, now, all these years later, having listened to the stories of strangers, coworkers, and acquaintances......................and now reading through these forums, and comparing what I am reading to MY experiences, the experiences (that I am aware of) of immediate relatives, and the handful of people that I am close to, and, while I don't know about, "sheltered", I have led an extremely fortunate life (so far, to this point), and I am extremely grateful for it. I do NOT take it for granted. I like to think that PART of it, is just pure luck, but PART of it is imposing some kind of personal standards on what I will and will not deal with (even though it has resulted in MANY Saturday nights driving, reading, attending social events, or watching TV, alone). No, I do NOT have women throwing themselves at me, never have. I have had to "put in work" to meet and attract women, ALL my life, however, the difference between me and A LOT of people (ESPECIALLY young men), is I have NEVER been afraid of being by myself. I do NOT prefer it, but I will walk away from situations where the odds are not in my favor. I do not need to touch the stove, I will take your word that it is hot.

My oldest sister said to me 20 years ago, when I got divorced, "NikonGuy, you are a rare breed, there are not many 20-something guys who will initiate a divorce, when there is no other woman in the picture or even on the horizon. Most young guys will NOT leave a relationship until/unless they have another woman waiting in the wings." I could be wrong, but I am pretty sure that I have heard multiple statistics that go into how divorced men very often remarry within like 2 years of a divorce (significantly faster, in general, than divorced women). TONS of men like the idea of having a woman to, "take care of them", physically and emotionally. Again, I LOVE being in a monogamous, exclusive relationship with a quality woman. LOVE it, want it, willing to travel, bend, sacrifice (within reason), etc. but, for ME, 'any old available, interested woman will NOT do.'

I am a tremendously flawed human being. I know this and I type it, with a very realistic personal inventory going on, (I have NEVER heard any other human admit to this). However, as I said to someone just yesterday, no woman can take me on as a "project", ("If only I can get NikonGuy to stop drinking, keep a job, dress better, get an education, get over his ex, treat women better, woo, woo................."). There is nothing for an amateur psychologist to "fix". Now, a licensed professional? That's another story.

This is MY story and reality, and I'm stickin' to it.
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 122
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 7/27/2014 12:15:13 PM
generally speaking, if a fellow ignores how hot a woman looks, and focuses on how much respect she gives him...he'll easily know if there's abuse in her past she's still suffering from (b/c she won't have a healthy relationship, due to, duh, things in her past she's still dealing with) or whether she's ready for a healthy relationship..regardless of what's happened in her past.

some fellows are looking for a damsel in distress, so they run towards the signs others see as red flags. as always, if you want a healthy relationship, you'll look for a healthy relationship, and therefore, ye shall find one--b/c everything else looks a whole lot like an unhealthy relationship.
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 123
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 7/27/2014 1:57:54 PM
"there'so many single men oout there"
And that's all very fine if just any passable single male will do.
NO, I'm not taling about "the one" or "types", or "sparks".
I am saying that if one has any semblance of wanting a serious relationship, I don't think you can reach a decision in one or 2 dates based on an "interview" of the candidates narrative about' family and relationships.

As far as spark-whatever-I really think that its more about women-and men!-having a small set of encounters where "oh this is so NOT going to happen"-but mostly it takes a few in-person interactions to determine the potential for genuine multi-level chemistry. As far as the "this is SO NOT gonna happen"-for me, anyway-it may be a statement or action that reveals a fundamental and unbridgeable rift between our worldviews and values, and have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with a guys height or looks.Maybe you guys will forgive a "hot" woman almost anything, and I'm sure that there ARE women who will overlook huge issues if the guy is goodlooking and (surface) charming enough.

"it's either there right away, or it's not".

Some women and men do feel this way, but I think for a lot of us, there is a small set of "oh this is not gonna happen" and a whole lot of "well, lets see where it seems to want to go". For those who are so fixated on instant chemistry, what do you expect anybody to do about that? We can't FORCE people to start choosing their dates the way WE think they should.

As far as all that "predisposed" stuff? It might surprise you to find out that not all women who wind up with abusers do so because of her misguided perception of his aura of masculinity. Women DO get involved with men as "rescuers", women do make relationships/marriages on the basis of convenience or "makes sense". Women do get involved with men based on compassion, and they do get involved with men because they are bored or seek to escape a present set of circumstances.
It AIN'T always all about "looks" and "perception of masculinity". I also suspect that there are still a lot of women getting into relationships and marriages where the chemistry is all on the guys' side and she's listened to one too many lectures about how its'"foolish" to base a relationship on actually being attracted to the guy/loving the guy.And YES, I think tons of women take on husbands/Significant Others as a "project".

Then there are the women who truly did love an abusive man, until his abusiveness finally hit a tipping point. Not ALL abusive relationships start out with all kinds of "red flags" flying. From what I've witnessed and heard, a lot of times substance abuse or the onset/progression of mental illness is what causes a relationship to turn abusive.

I dunno about a sheltered life, I think you just have not,as yet, had your high ideals tempered with compassion and realistic understanding. I started out with too much compassion/realistic understanding and an over-dependence on relationships that "made sense". I wouldn't trade those experiences for ANYTHING, because when good men and good things came into my life afterward, I think I was/am more appreciative.

I will say one thing about respect, it has to go both ways in equal amounts. If there is disrespect, condescension or insult to intelligence based on gender,then I don't see a relationship succeeding, regardless of who is involved or from which direction the disrespect is comeing.
Cindy O
Joined: 4/1/2012
Msg: 124
view profile
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 7/27/2014 2:47:17 PM
Cindy, I do agree, 777% that men & women will very often "forgive anything short of 1st degree, premeditated murder", if the man or woman is HAWT enough. Fully agree.

One of the greatest quotes that I have ever read, goes like this: "When a person shows you WHO they are, believe them..............the first time."

I think 95% of us are guilty of NOT following this very wise counsel. Maybe it's our arrogance, insecurity, desperation, hubris, childhood, something else, or a combination of a bunch of things. I KNOW that I have been guilty of not following this advice (and, in the past), it was very often because she was HAWT.

Looking back on MY life, I cannot say that, any woman was, "perfectly fine, but, overnight, she all of a sudden, changed on me......................" I am NOT saying that this is not possible or that it does not happen, HOWEVER, I think the more truthful thing, in a lot (but certainly not ALL, cases), is that ALL of us, chose to ignore the "warning signs" (for whatever reasons). The controlling behaviors, the insecurity, the rude comments, the disrespect, the poor treatment of people that they felt could not do anything for them, the disregard for your preferences, the flirtations, the lies (big and small), the sexual history, the evasiveness, indirectness, and all-around lack of transparency about major AND minor things and questions, the unstable early home life, the unstable work history, the lack of 'friends', the explosive anger, the inability to cope with life's daily minor irritations, the selfishness, the warnings from friends and family, on and on and on and on.................etc. etc. etc.

I was NOT in any way ready to be married. I was far too young, did not want to do it, and was not in love with the woman, however, I (ME), allowed myself (for a variety of reasons), to go down a path that I know that I should have never gone down (and certainly not with her). I was NO "walk in the park", by any means. However, there were behaviors and history that I was fully aware of, yet chose to ignore. She did NOT "change" on me. She was always, EXACTLY who she was. I simply chose to ignore it. I have to own that.

For a very short time (about 6 months), I dated a woman who was very possibly bi-polar and borderline schizophrenic, and was most definitely an alcoholic. I am not a psychiatrist or a psychologist, but I very quickly could tell that she had problems; yet even she could not hide her issues/problems from me for more than a month or two. Once AGAIN, I had no other woman waiting in the wings. I had to voluntarily decide to forgo regular sex and intimate, female companionship, and to be alone, for the sake of my own dignity and self-respect. Not to mention, logically, every second that I was with her, was another second that I was unavailable if/when I met someone who was bringing to the table, the same things that I was/am.

In my profile AND in my posts, I have been very consistent in writing that, While yes, there needs to be some basic level of physical attraction, looks are not all that important to ME. I am much more about certain character traits, communications styles, and thought-processes than anything else.

As an adult, I owe it to MYSELF to always go with my gut (or some may prefer their head), over my emotions.

I believe that VERY, VERY, VERY few people change (their fundamental character or personality), 1 inch, from the time they are born, to the day they die.

Just MY opinion. That, and $1.25 will get you a small coffee at a coffee chain retailer.
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