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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Dating a woman who has been abused in the past      Home login  
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 Woodstar
Joined: 2/16/2006
Msg: 59
Dating a woman who has been abused in the pastPage 2 of 18    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)
The point, my dear Ceno, is that not all abused are whack jobs. Yes, they are out there...abundtly so "out there".

I am so happy for people who have managed to be in nothing but healthy relationships throughout their lives. That relationship does not have to be one of two supposedly inlove...sickly so.

Any relationship has the potential of being one that helps to grow or to demoralize. I'm talking a teacher/student, employee/employer. Any relationship where one is in a supposed position of power.

I can also say I have been with some whack jobs...thats part of life. I don't recommend bonding with someone who has not dealt with their issues...I have also tasted from that bitter cup.

But I see alot of judgement calls...which is also part of life, I know. I just see alot of uneducated judgement calls being made.

My dear grandmother always used to say: "If you can't stand the heat...stay out of the kitchen".

So, once again...all you beautiful people who have never had an abusive moment slung at you on this road of life...HIP HIP HOORAY and may you continue on your merry way.

I am more of a realist than most can comprehend.
 robyn67
Joined: 10/29/2006
Msg: 60
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/26/2006 9:48:54 PM
geez, that has to be the most selfish, narrow-minded response ive heard on here.what are you saying? just because a woman has been abused, she's no longer worth loving? I am a childhood & adult abuse (physically & sexually) survivor, and there arent too many of us out there that arent in one form or another. I happen to be an awesome woman, has worked & fought very hard my whole life to deal with the bullshit that a few ignorant ***holes felt they had the right to do to me. It doesnt mean I am baggage, on the contrary, I am capable of loving deeper than a woman who hasnt been there.All my emotions run very deep bacause of my experiences, but thats better than being a cold-hearted fake ****. I have always been an excellent, loving & caring partner when Im with a man, Ive just learned from experience to not take any shit from them.and...I NEVER compare a new relationship to old, abusive ones. sure, it takes a little bit extra to earn my trust, but what do you expect? It comes with the 'baggage' as you so ignorantly put it. you sound very shallow....
 p911gt10
Joined: 11/17/2006
Msg: 62
READ THIS FROM NOW ON:Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/27/2006 9:43:22 AM
dayum Ceno, you're gettin mad luv in here

Just to clarify what I've read here, in his original post, he said women that HAVE NOT dealt with their abusive pasts are damaged good.

HAVE NOT

Ladies, in future posts, please bear that in mind. I've seen a couple dozen replies of "I had this (insert abusive thing here) happen to me in the past and i've turned out fine, I'm not damaged!"

He didn't say that. You've dealt with it, moved on, been better for it. For that you should be applauded.

His warning of caution(or in his case the 100m sprint) is for those women who still have open wounds and have done nothing to better themselves. You've all read the stories of men being attacked unprovoked by women who are still suffering. The laws these days are widely stacked against men when it comes to domestic disputes and for the most part, they work well, but as you have seen here, innocent men get marked for life for playing defence.

And personal attacks, people?? C'mon, lets be grownups here. Insulting Ceno only makes your posts appear less knowledgeable, stop give it a rest.
 p911gt10
Joined: 11/17/2006
Msg: 64
READ THIS FROM NOW ON:Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/27/2006 2:28:00 PM
"I wasn't attacking Ceno in my last post, in fact, I conceded to one of his points. Perhaps you need some reading glasses? "

Who says I was talkin about you specifically? *hands you some glasses*
 ~blue eyes~
Joined: 11/16/2006
Msg: 66
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/27/2006 5:51:39 PM
WOW. i haven't posted anything on here before but i couldn't help it at this point. how dare you judge someone who has been abused? do you have any idea how hard they had to have fought to get through and past it. the one that it didn't break are prolly some of the strongest people you'll meet. this is aimed a ceno by the way cause i have no idea where it will pop up on here. thanks for the rant.
 Woodstar
Joined: 2/16/2006
Msg: 67
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/27/2006 6:52:48 PM
To all who have been calm and respectful and nonjudgemental...thank you.

To all who believe anyone, male or female who has been abused...and are damaged goods...please reconsider.

To all who believe anyone, male or female who has been abused and has dealt with their issues could possibly have a little more insight...hello, I love you.

To all who would swear before anyone's god that they have no baggage...step to the back of the room.

I think we need a facilitator here....Ceno is starting to yell. I visualize blood vessels bursting.
 p911gt10
Joined: 11/17/2006
Msg: 68
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/27/2006 7:24:54 PM
dayum dude, after six pages and still people are gettin it wrong. The flammers can't resist such a juicy topic.
 Whitetigeress
Joined: 8/3/2006
Msg: 72
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/27/2006 9:30:20 PM

I CAN NOT BELIEVE HE CALLED ABUSED WOMEN DAMAGED GOODS
See message #47.


msg#47....
No damage goods...ok


as long as I dont have to deal with one....I have no problem. Been there Done that. good luck to your future bfs/husbands etc...


nice Ceno.. take back the comment and then add another assault lol



the real conclusion here is that YOU yourself Ceno just aren't compatible with women who have an abused past because... well.. you just dont have compassion

solution; stay away from them
 frenchbearman
Joined: 9/11/2006
Msg: 74
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Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/27/2006 9:41:15 PM
I have been threw that and you think because you are a good guy that you can heal that, you can not! It takes time and you cannot do it. They have to do it on their own, you cannot do it for them. If you want to be a friend they can use that, a relationship will fail!!
 Silent_Cowboy
Joined: 11/14/2006
Msg: 77
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Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/27/2006 10:12:17 PM
The man has to have patience and understanding, and most of all be kind...not hard to do at all. I dated a terrific lady who's ex saw fit to give her a knuckle sandwich...now she has perfect teeth...full dentures.
 p911gt10
Joined: 11/17/2006
Msg: 83
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/28/2006 5:56:59 AM
Finally! Nicely said Vixen!
 Lady~Gurl
Joined: 9/5/2006
Msg: 85
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/28/2006 7:52:41 AM
****WOODSTAR****...WELL SAID...applause to you SISTER...I couldn't have said it any better..
 Lady~Gurl
Joined: 9/5/2006
Msg: 86
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/28/2006 7:54:14 AM
**OH.. By the way people.. that was ^^^^^message 107..
 Lady~Gurl
Joined: 9/5/2006
Msg: 87
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/28/2006 8:23:09 AM
**havebait**.. Your post touched me..i too have been there..i have had to do the running..with 2 children in tow..one just 3 weeks old..to escape..many years ago...& i found much help..and utilized ALL my contacts..i AM HEALED...and altho i will NEVER forget the red~flags..i am ready to move on..There are some AWESOME men out there...
 Lady~Gurl
Joined: 9/5/2006
Msg: 88
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/28/2006 8:31:58 AM
***The sweetest Vixen**..i do agree..i have experienced this scenerio.. first hand..myself...when gurls are actually calling it on...with thier SO..and you know what?..i have also seen...were its gotten to the point...of no return..(in drunken stupors usually)..i am the FIRST to defend my sisters...however..i have also witnessed my sisters doing and pushing FAR too HARD..!!& then after...wondering.. why??
 With What Porpoise?
Joined: 11/20/2006
Msg: 89
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/28/2006 12:53:39 PM
Hey Chip4U,

Sounds like you've received allot of feedback on this one, and I'm no expert on this but I do have an opinion.

By saying "was dating" I'm understanding that you two are no longer together. But if you still care about the person (am I right that you do still care or is this to help just you understand her confusion?) and she hasn't done anything in your experience with her to send you running, then it might be helpful for her if you keep in touch and be her friend.

Good people can find themselves in bad situations, and can sucked into things that drags them into a downward spiral that is hard to break free from. Even afterward, when not in an abusive situation (and don't they all have similar effects depending on the length of time?) a person can get confused about what action to take with the right person (perhaps feeling like they don't deserve to be treated so nicely) so they run from the healthy person, but that doesn't mean we should abandon them or run away from them and their problems.

Yes, abusive relationships can be very confusing and require some sort of dealing and healing process. Good friends can be invaluable to this process in a way that boyfriends can't because the expectations are different among other things. They can be a role model to show her the respect she deserves (and how she should treat others) without the expectations, and can help the person rebuild their self-esteem and true identity at the person's own speed.

But no one is coward for what they do or don't do in these types of situations. It really comes down to the individual and what they are capable of doing. Just use your intuition. It could be awhile before she is really ready for a healthy relationship so having a friend to be there for the journey is likely what she needs more than a boyfriend right now (and you may have to bang your head against the wall a few times while watching her fumble). It is really up to you (and her) to decide if you can be one of those friends.

In very simple terms it's like buying a home that looks great but after you take possession you find out it needs allot of work. Do you scrap it or work on it in your spare time to turn it into a real gem, even if you don't plan on living there? The same goes for horses (the movie Seabiscuit would be a good example), an so on, and so on ....

I hope it works out for you.
 lyin eyes
Joined: 6/11/2006
Msg: 95
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Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/29/2006 12:05:15 PM
Well you must be pulling all your answers out of the air.Cause oi for one who was abused as a child did not ask for it.But from being treated in this manner it became a learned behavior.Meaning its what I was around and knew.I f you are ignorant of domestic violence then why comment.And it not only happemns to women but men too.And yes Im speaking from experience here. I WENT INTO ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS ONE AFTER THE OTHER AND YOU SAY WE SEEK THEM NO IT SEEMS THEY SEEK US.An abuser cant be pinpointed even after declaring this abuse its own name you still cant pick up on who is and who isnt.And yes it is always scary for us who were battered ,because we have to give ourselves over to open up.To maybe what a slap,kick,punch.W hat we will need is understanding its like a casulty that is never forgotten.It plays over in your mind some not always.I am a survivor.But I ALMOST DIED ATT THE HANDS OF THE VERY ONE WHO SAID HE LOVED ME.i WORK WITH ABUSED PEOPLE MY PHONE IS ALWAYS ON.i F i am needed I give back like this.We didnt ask to be beat or almost killed.And all we asked for was love but we got it in a message no one should ever get.Im hear to listen and I will always carry a place in my heart for anyone that has ever been thru this.Stand up get it out never hold it in ,cause it is like a poison going thru you.And I have heard it said we are damaged goods,no the abiuser is damaged for good .There is no cure for them. God bless you,if you are out there.Be strong and know it is never right raise your hand to another.No matter what the excuse is.
 Woodstar
Joined: 2/16/2006
Msg: 97
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/29/2006 7:00:50 PM
Hey, is he really gone??? Job well done and all that???

To Eaglescry and to Armyguy and Handyman...and any other guy I may have forgotten to mention who are supportive...thank you

Now I feel I can say something without having "someone" attack...I was only in one physically abusive relationship. I married a man I met at a church dance (back when I claimed to be a christian). We married far to soon, but he begged me and my son was thrilled to finally find a dad. My sons dad died when he was only 2 1/2 years old and at the time I married this man he was 14. This man wooed my son, brought him gifts and visited with him alot. Shortly after we were married the abuse began. He started on my son. I was surprised at what was going on as I worked night shifts and did not know until it was to late.

Soon, I was being abused as well. We went to family counseling and he manage to convince me he was trying. We were in counciling for far to long. Our councilor finally had a private moment with me and said I needed to leave, as he was incurable and my life would be in danger. After 5 years in that hell hole, I ended up in a women in jeopardy program and my son had grown up missing out on the teen years I had envisioned. They said I would have to agree to counceling. My response was that well I picked him...I must need it.

That era ended twenty six years ago. I have had several relationships since. Two of which will always be priceless to me. My son and I are good friends now. He has forgiven me for that horrible decision so many years ago. There have been men who have come into my life since then who have tried to manipulate and control me. Believe me, I know how to get up and walk away. I do not feel like damaged goods. I feel incredibly strong and healthy.

Oh, those two wonderful powerful relationships I have under my belt since then??? One died with his family appreciating the love and strength their father and I shared. The other, unfortunately had his own baggage and left me stating he was afraid he would drag me down. I hear from mutual friends all the time about how he loved his time with me.

Forgive me for the long post...this is the longest one I have ever done.

I have a wealth of life experiences and love and compassion to share. I may have scars, but I assure you, there are no festering wounds on me.

Peace
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 98
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Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/29/2006 7:04:24 PM
WOW!
I miss Molonel about right now!

My one and only question here....
Ceno? Do u have any clue as to why these strong independant women u pick turn into psychos?

Cuz the rest of us learned why in the last 8 pages.
 *mandrake*
Joined: 9/19/2006
Msg: 99
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/29/2006 7:18:08 PM
If you date a woman who has been abused, make sure she has dealt with her issues. If she hasn't, you could become a victim of her past.
 69cobra
Joined: 7/28/2006
Msg: 100
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Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/29/2006 7:20:18 PM
She probably doesn't feel that she's worthy of love. It sounds strange, but it's true. I know...I dated a girl like that....

And PLEASE REMEMBER: "You can't fix an unstable person with affection & love".

 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 104
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Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/30/2006 4:20:53 AM
what is pissing us women off isn't our past. It's being told we have no future.
And being lumped into one category of "damaged goods".

Sure...there are women who will not let go of their past. Just as there are men who won't let go of their's.
It is when we are condemned for the actions of other people that we get riled up.
Some of us "abused women" have moved on in our lives. Hell, I don't even mention that fact when I start dating. I have to be very comfortable with a man before I feel the need to mention what happened 20+ years ago. I do not assume he will treat me the same way. But I do know what signs to look for now.

My point in all this babbling....do not assume all women or men are the same.
I don't assume all you men are insensitive b*stards just because a few select are.
 dentwebb
Joined: 6/11/2005
Msg: 107
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/30/2006 5:34:04 PM
Sure she has issues! She goes back to an abusive old relationship because it is a counterfobic relationship! She is drawn to that which made here feel bad and cheap prior to you. What she is going back to makes her feel SOMETHING even if it hurts! It is better than feeling nothing at all, in her mind. I am sure you kinda understand, from the time you two spent together!

Good luck, but I suggest you just walk away!
 Whitetigeress
Joined: 8/3/2006
Msg: 109
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/30/2006 8:36:56 PM
Ceno.............your ex wasn't damaged.. she was abused


simple as that


if you went thru what she went thru then be called "damaged" how would it make YOU feel? You'd then have no hope in hell to recover any amount of human dignity in order to survive in a cruel world.

But I will say this... men are a "fix it" gender and you can't just fix it.
Sex wont fix it
companionship wont fix it
etc etc

I think healing from abuse involves a total different scope then what relationships offer.. only thing that having a significant will do is be a support network
 itsallinthesoul
Joined: 11/22/2006
Msg: 111
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/30/2006 9:24:45 PM
RE Message 8: "In the end your ability to bond and communicate will help allieviate issues from the past...i think its kinda why we get in relationshps in the first place...two is stronger than one..loving someone helps to put issues in the past...where they belong.."

What a concept....one I totally agree with! Well said.


Note to CENO: I've read your comments throughout this thread.....is it your opinion then that anyone who has been abused in the past and is therefore "damaged" goods is not worthy of another's love, respect, consideration or comfort? Are they to be damned to a life without a significant other?
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