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Joined: 5/11/2006
Msg: 59
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Dating a woman who has been abused in the pastPage 3 of 18    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)
You know, if this wasn't such a serious topic, some of the mud slinging would be funny. Any labels that stereotype anyone for anything is ignorant, but to argue a point that isn't even valid is truly sad. Yes I was in an abusive marriage. Gee, I must hide from the world until I die I guess! Get real. I'm mentally healthier than a lot of people I know, just physically I am a mess. Oh well! I may not be able to outrun you but I'm not even going to get into the chase so who cares LOL

Joined: 4/29/2006
Msg: 60
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 12/4/2006 3:25:23 PM
I am a therapist who works with abused women, many with PTSD...One thing I want to make clear is that PTSD can cause permanent brain changes, even damage to the brain...that does NOT mean women are "damaged goods" but PTSD can change the body permanently if it is persistent enough and occurs early enough in the persons life...So she is struggling to adjust to a sane normal life on a physical, emotional and psychological level...struggling with a brain that reacts differently than those who have not been abused..its called hypervigilence...Veterans who have experienced combat can have this also, it is NOT just all in the head but involves the body...Thats why the physical grounding and sensory calming is important...She/he may need to do that to some extent the rest of her/his life....Ive observed both personally and professionally that there are alot of men out there who want to be "rescuers" of these women..Somehow these vulnerable women seem especially feminine and attractive to certain men ,,,until they get more involved with them before the woman has done some healing for herself.. ..Personally, its frustrating to see a man you are attracted to and would like to get to know better turn his attention to the sicker, needier person and turn to you only as the more stable, healthier friend when he needs advice and support, but not the girlfriend he seeks romantically...Ive had this happen twice and had to end or put some distance around these friendships because it was too painful to just be the friend when I wanted more..Any of you who saw the 80s movie Some Kind of Wonderful know what I
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 61
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 12/4/2006 5:47:42 PM
Gothy ~ as usual, well stated.

~OT~ Well, I can't believe I'm about to admit this, but ceno does make a point here.

Aphrodite59, you're living in an altarnative reality, just like many posters here. You simply preach abused women to get out of the situation, but at the same time, want us (men) to stay with an abused woman and go through that hell. Most abused women get as abusive as their first abuser. So why would men stay?

I was the victim ONCE. After that, I was a participant. He beat the hell out of me, making me a victim. I stayed, making me a willing participant. When all was said and done and I took over my own life, I was damaged. I was then a problem to others. There wasn't a man on earth, at that particular point in my life, that could have done much right in my eyes. Nor would it have been fair for me to involve someone in my life during that time. I had a small child to raise, and a load of issues to deal with. Like many others, I had PTSD, GAD, and a slew of other things that simply were not condusive to a healthy relationship. It was time for me to take control, live alone, learn how to be healthy, how to cope, how to be self-sufficient, self-confident, etc. Basically, to re-learn how to be a productive, mentally sound adult.

I don't believe all survivors were/are as damaged as I was nor do I think that I was the most severely damaged. But I do believe that all too often, we look for men to fix what another man has done. (Or I should say, what another man was allowed to do.) Women need to be empowered in their own right. It does no good to play victim and it does absolutely NO good to venture into a relationship with the intent that someone is going to kiss it and make it all better. That just doesn't happen. Support from friends, family and the appropriate counseling avenues are the only route that will break the cycle. JMO
Joined: 3/9/2006
Msg: 62
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 12/4/2006 9:31:08 PM
A lot would depend on the type of abuse and how long it was between the time she got out of the "relationship" and entered one with you.

I have done a lot of dating -- I'm 60 years old -- and have found the many women that were victims of abuse just take longer to give their trust to someone new. Some appear to feel that they did something to bring it on, so they distrust themselves more than the new guy.

When you run into one AND can see that she is worth some EXTRA work -- take it slow -- NEVER make promises that you may not be able to keep -- and bide your time.

As strange as it may sound, they can be some of the most loving women you will ever encounter.

VBS in Arizona
Joined: 10/23/2006
Msg: 63
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 12/5/2006 5:28:05 AM
I have no clue where cenos latest post went but its gone lol. Anyway Ceno if you see this read up. I visited your profile to see what type of person you are. You say if someone hurts you you never forgive or forget. Hmmm isn't that what your up in arms about with women who have been hurt??? Its okay for you to put up a wall but if a woman does they are mentally ill. Second from reading everything about you I find you to be one of the most disturbed mentally challange individuals on pof. You have more hang ups and unrealistic expectations than anyone I have ever met. I think its you that needs the therapist. Talk about ridgid and and narsistic. At least people who have ptsd have a good reason. Whats your reason for being so narsisitc?

Joined: 10/23/2006
Msg: 67
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 12/9/2006 5:23:01 PM
Valis I wanted to reply to your post. You seem very wise for your age and at least you realize what alot of women have been through. I was abused and took the time to get intense counseling to heal from the abuse and move on. But in counseling we are taught to make sure we do not fall back in the same trap of dating and or marrying another abuser. Abusers come on very kind, sweet and caring in the begining and fool us into thinking they are a good person. Then wham they turn from Dr jeckle to Mr hyde and turn our world upside down. Thats why we have to be on guard at first but if a true man is not abusive and I am talking about verbally, mentally,(which is worse than physical abuse) and or physically, they will take the time to show a good women that they truely are not out to hurt her. I for one would love a good man who loves me for who I am and does not try to control me or belittle me or even worse hit me. I would feel like I died and went to heaven. I would be so happy I would be on cloud 9. I would treat this man like gold. And do everything to not lose such a gem.

Joined: 10/23/2006
Msg: 68
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 12/9/2006 5:36:52 PM
Ps here is a poem sent to me and I want to share it here as I think some need to understand the mind set of an abused person.

He sent me flowers today.
> I got flowers today.
> It wasnt our anniversary or any other special day. Last
night he threw me into a wall and started to choke me. It seemed
like a nightmare. I couldnt believe it was real. I woke up this
morning sore and bruised all over. I know he must be sorry.
> Because:
> He sent me flowers today.
> I got flowers today.
> It wasnt Mothers Day or any other special day. Last night he
beat me up again. It was much worse than the other times. If I leave
him what will I do? How will I take care of my kids? What about
money? I'm afraid of him and scared to leave. But I know he must be
> Because:
> He sent me flowers today.
> I got flowers today.
> Today was a very special day. It was the day of my funeral.
Last night he finally killed me. He beat me to death. If only I had
gathered enough courage and strength to leave him.
> I would not have gotten flowers today.
Joined: 7/20/2004
Msg: 69
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 12/10/2006 1:15:24 PM
Everybody deserves a chance. I was sexually abused as a child; so yeah, I carry some baggage from that. Does that disqualify me from dating? I hope not. In fact, the horrible experience did in the long term get me to want to learn a great deal about human needs and interpersonal relationships. Yes, I'm still 'damaged' in one way, but gifted in another. I suppose there will be some women who are the same. I just hope to find them. Not that like always attracts like, but we would understand each other, and maybe be more tolerant of each others personal demons.
Joined: 12/6/2006
Msg: 71
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 12/10/2006 4:19:11 PM
I married one and although I was told of the childhood abuse I didn't know it was going to bite me in the a*** later. My wife is now a control freak and is inhibited in sex, so that I am getting to the point of planning an exit strategy. The abuse was suppressed and after I married her it started to affect my wife. 14 months ago I pointed out the abnormal sexual responses after putting up with it for ten years and the need to get counselling but it is like talking to a brick wall.
I am thinking actions may speak louder than words and when I leave her she might start to think about fixing the mental damage. I am sick of being passive and putting up with it. I really know what they mean about damaged goods and walking away from it sounds like the only way to press home that I have needs that are being ignored.
Joined: 10/23/2006
Msg: 72
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 12/13/2006 4:55:39 PM
So basicly your cheating on your wife discrete rider? Why don't you just leave her if your so unhappy? the last 5 yrs of my marriage there was no sex at all because my husband didn't want sex. I asked him to go to counseling but he refused. I stayed with him out of respect for our marriage but the abuse was too much so I left. I never cheated on him once. I could have but I didn't. Its just not cool to cheat on people. How would you like it if she was cheating on you?

Joined: 10/23/2006
Msg: 73
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 12/13/2006 4:58:44 PM
I know most will not read this but I think this will explain all the different kinds of abuse.


Jealous of time or resources you give others:
Gets angry if you spend 'too much time' with friends, family, or children.
Always insists that it is 'a bad time' for you to talk to family/friends on the phone.
Feels that resources are wasted if given to children.
Gets angry if you do favors for other people or give them things.
Would rather throw something away than give it to someone else.

Is possessive/obsessive:
Demands to know where you are/who you are with at all times.
Insists you wear a beeper/carry a cell phone at all times so you can be summoned when 'wanted.'
Feels threatened/becomes angry if someone smiles at you or gives you a compliment.
Tries to sit or stand between you and others who speak to you or give you attention.
Is obsessed with pornography or sex.

Is disinterested in or feels threatened by your personal desires or goals:
Finds your hobbies boring, pointless, unproductive, or a waste of time.
Is perpetually uncooperative about attending parties or events that interest you.
Often picks a fight or creates a crisis just before an event that is important to you.
States or implies that your interests should never interfere with spending time with him/her or doing things for him/her.

Is rude or inconsiderate toward you in a self-centered way:
Frequently insists on discussing something with you while you are trying to read, watch television, or talk on the phone.
Expects you to always be the one who answers the door or telephone.
Expects you to drop whatever you are doing whenever summoned.
Interrupts you on a consistent basis while you are talking.
Will rarely, if ever, act to accommodate your convenience or comfort.
Won't go outside to smoke if smoking physically distresses you.
Will not turn down TV or radio while you are talking.
Is unconcerned and unapologetic if rude behavior is pointed out.

Does not respect your right to make your own decisions:
Insists that all of your decisions affect him/her and, therefore, should always be joint decisions.
Gets angry or hurt if you don't always take his/her advice.
Criticizes or questions your intelligence and the wisdom of decisions that you make without his/her input.

Considers his/her own logic or intellect to be superior to all others:
Insists that his/her way is always the right way.
Claims that his/her arguments are based on logic or sound evidence and that yours are not.
Places no value on decisions you make based on feelings or intuition.
Believes that any opinion you have is invalid, illogical, hysterical, or selfish.
Is completely intolerant of any criticism of his/her own behavior.
Is confident that his/her employer and/or employees are all defective somehow.
Considers all of your friends to be idiots.

Extremely opinionated and critical of others:
Racist or sexist.
Dogmatic about behavior in others.
Unwilling to tolerate opinions that differ from his/her own.
Has double standards for behavior.
Is rude to all of your family/friends.
Dislikes all of your family/friends.

Has chronic trouble at work:
Is chronically unemployed or changes jobs frequently.
Explains employment setbacks as some sort of victimization.
Always believes that his/her boss treats him/her poorly.
Always believes that his/her co-workers are working against or out to get him/her.

Disregards laws or social customs that interfere with his/her own goals or pleasure:
Sees no point in ever observing holidays or giving gifts, even if these are important to you.
Is disinterested in following family or religious customs, even if these are important to you.
Believes that people who work hard for a living are "suckers."
Is scornful of the government or the "system."
Uses illegal drugs.
Is a heavy drinker.

Is very concerned about his/her public image:
Treats you better in public than in private in order to impress others.
Gets angry at you if he/she believes that you have somehow made him/her look bad to others.
Brags about you or your accomplishments to others, but never compliments you in private.

Attempts to make you jealous or insecure:
Constantly threatens to leave you.
Hints or states that he/she has other lovers waiting on the side.
Compares you to previous lovers.
Admires strangers and compares you to them.
Tells you that no one will ever care about/love/want you the way he/she does.

Is jealous and suspicious:
Falsely accuses you of infidelity.
Insists that friends of the opposite sex are trying to seduce you.
States or implies that you got a job offer or interview because of your appearance or a sexual 'favor.'
Doesn't want you to take part in an activity or outing without him/her because you might meet someone else there.

Rushes the relationship:
Pressures you to move in together.
Pressures you to have sex before you are ready.
Proposes marriage too early in the relationship.

Does not respect your privacy:
Reads your diary or journal.
Opens your mail.
Listens in on private conversations.

Manipulates others to achieve his/her goals:
Frequently uses guilt trips.
Says/does things that are dishonest or illegal.
Attempts to coerce you into doing things that make you uncomfortable, that you don't want (i.e., sex), or that are against the law.
Threatens suicide or homicide if you don't cooperate with him/her or if you leave him/her.
Lectures you endlessly until you agree.

Is easily angered at others who interfere with his/her activities:
Engages in "Road Rage."
Has angry reactions/outbursts which are out of proportion to level of inconvenience.

Is intolerant of children or animals:
Will not get up to feed or change the baby.
Is unwilling to have pets or children because of the mess or inconvenience, even if pets are important to you.
Shows preferential treatment between children (especially "natural" vs. "step" children).
Believes that children don't deserve the level of treatment or support as adults.

Insists that HE/SHE is the victim in the relationship:
Accuses you of being selfish, rude, self-centered, uncooperative, etc.
Claims that you are the one undermining the relationship.
Accuses you of not loving or not caring about him/her.

Lack of empathy:
Inability to put him/herself in another's shoes.
Unwilling to provide comfort to you unless "blame" clearly lies elsewhere.
Makes minimal effort to care for you or others when sick or injured; all the while complaining about the inconvenience.
Cruel to animals.
Murders animals.
Considers donations to charity/volunteer work a waste.

Unable to acknowledge or respond to pain in you that is not clearly visible:
Turns up TV when you have a headache.
Insists on spicy food when you have an upset stomach.
Expects you to help with chores when you are feeling sick.
Ignores you when you attempt to explain an ailment.

Lack of personal responsibility:
Blames you/others for problems.
Denies saying/doing hurtful things.
Refuses to apologize for wrongdoing.
Apologizes but then repeats hurtful behavior.
Avoids duties, obligations, and debts.

Tears down your self esteem and erodes your confidence:
Tone of voice unreasonably deriding or scornful for the situation.
Questions your ability to do simple things.
Asks you to make a decision and then rejects your decision. Often asking you to decide over again.
Accuses you of being overly sensitive to criticism.
Calls you names.
Repeatedly swears at or in front of you.
Criticizes you openly.

Interferes with or attempts to control your career:
Pressures you to quit or change your job.
Thinks that your employer interferes with your marriage.
Thinks that your co-workers/employer/employees are defective somehow.
Attempts to resolve conflicts you have at work for you.
Seeks to "help you" with your career, and is upset if you don't cooperate.
Attempts to choose your job or work projects for you.

Punishes you or threatens to punish you for "misbehaving":
Strands you somewhere.
Gives you the "silent treatment."
Yells at you.
Lectures you.

Believes that a "discussion" about your relationship is more important than any other obligation or activity:
Makes you late to work or social activities because he/she wants to discuss something.
Picks a fight with you at bedtime and then won't let you go to sleep for hours.

Beyond verbal abuse - physically acts out:
Throws items or breaks things in anger in front of you, whether at you or not.
Threatens you with or uses a weapon on you.
 lyin eyes
Joined: 6/11/2006
Msg: 74
view profile
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 12/13/2006 5:12:06 PM
dANG,speaking of someone who was abused growing up by a kin,andthen moving into abusive relationships.I cant beklieve you would try and hand that bull around.There is a thing called breaking the chain of abuse.And there is a thing called healing.And as for your damaged goods who of us isnt damaged in some way.Its ones like you whoo want to say damaged goods,without caring to look.I hate to say it but being abused help make me the strong lady I am today.I took the one who abused me and took care of her,it was the best healing,therapy.That one can have.It helped me break the chain of abuse.And who are you to know wghat or who an abuser is when you meet them.There can be certain things that can stand out.But more often then not there is nothing to show us how they really are.So if you want to blame the end on a woman cause she is damaged goods,take a long look inside yourself.
Joined: 10/12/2006
Msg: 75
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 12/14/2006 1:30:48 AM
yeah talking about guys who abused you in the past is the kiss of death. it's only going to make you angry i mean what does that have to do with me? i mean it's good to be sensitive to her but it really builds up resentment because you end up paying for their misdeeds
Joined: 1/12/2007
Msg: 76
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 2/3/2007 8:21:26 PM
To Blonde Melody... I am with you girl.. I also got my ass with because he did not like the way my clothes looked on me or for talking to his father..His father always screwed around on his mother a& he knew it.. or I would get my but kicked because his other women(whores) did something to piss him off, but at this time I was 800 miles away from home & at the age of 19. It got to the point I hid my birth control pills at work so I would not get pregnant by this man, and if those other women made him happy I could ccare less if he came home at night or not.. NOT one time did I step out of my marriage.. I can honestly say I was true. It took me 5yrs of ass whipping, hair pulling, black eyes before I had enough and faith in myself that I could survive..... But i dont anymore compare men to him.. I really think there are some good men & women out there.. But there have been times it would flash back when my partner would raise his hand at me... You see never again will I allow a man to ever hit me again.. I think too much of myself and I have discovered that I can survive on my own, that I am not as fragile as I thought I was. i am a compassionate woman who I know one day will find that right man for me.. He will accept me for me and I will accept him for him, the good and the bad...I cant wait for that day to come..
Joined: 11/30/2006
Msg: 77
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 2/3/2007 10:19:05 PM
you can not udge all women alike when it comes to getting out of a abused. i was abused and i work through it..and there is soe that don't....but i am ok...and you have to take a day at a time...just like relationships...but you can not judge one man...all men are all ways
Joined: 1/12/2007
Msg: 78
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 2/4/2007 6:46:02 PM
Thanks blondemelody... he's out there just waiting for me... I can feel it, and he' to hurry and find me. I just found out in another forum there is a time limit on sexal peak... heck I did not know that.. so he got to hurry
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 81
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 2/19/2007 3:46:12 PM
I don't guess there are many people here, male or female either one, who don't have some scars from past experience. Significant others have left, behaved in ways that forced us to leave,died,or we're in a relationship that's dying( or we're trying to kill it)
So how about the difficulties of dating a man who's exwife ran him into bankruptcy? The woman who's hubby ran off with the neighbor woman? The man or woman who has a deceased Significant Other? Any person you date,other than the very young,or unless they JUST fell down from Heaven, is going to have some kind of less than positive experience with the opposite gender. In fact even the very young might have a history of an abusive parent, or molestation, or poverty caused by divorce or a parent's addiction or criminal behavior.
So if y'all are coming here looking for "undamaged" goods,( I use that phrase with GREAT sarcasm) I'm sorry to tell you you're on a fools' errand!
Cindy O
Joined: 11/30/2006
Msg: 82
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 2/19/2007 3:58:36 PM
Joined: 12/20/2005
Msg: 83
view profile
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 2/20/2007 5:11:56 AM
I married a woman who had an abusive relationship and she NEVER fully recovered and NEVER fully trusted me and infact on two occasions she told her family I had hit her then retracted when confronted... She became distant and turned to drinking which ended our marriage.
I now will not date a woman who still lives in her abusive past. Of course she has to be careful whom she dates. As in any relationship there has to be trust built on mutural respect and acts of kindess... If there are any signs of possible abuse, and I am sure there are, the woman should run for the hills but on the flip side she should also realize that not all men are abusive and give us a chance.
I hope things worked out for you GOOD LUCK

Have a nice day...
Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 84
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 2/20/2007 8:07:15 AM
I dated a girl WHO was in a abusive relationship . So it takes a while for them to learn to trust again . BUT it is well worth it . SHE was abused sexually . Then one day she tells me " I going with someone else " well , so much for waiting on her . THAT guy demanded her to put out the same night . I must be the joke for waiting 2 years .
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 85
view profile
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 3/12/2007 9:37:30 PM
If she has overcome it, then sure. If she still has deep issues from it, then you might want to pass.
Joined: 12/22/2006
Msg: 86
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 4/17/2007 8:54:46 PM
Lady you are so wrong. Everyone is damaged goods. So that means that you are saying no one should deserve to find love after surviving something traumatic that happened to them that may have been out of their control at the time. It's like condemning someone to an emotional hell for all time if there is no chance for them to find happiness in the future. To the guy with the gf that went thru abuse - just keep reminding her how wonderful she is. After going thru a bad guy she's going to have trouble believing she deserves you but all she needs is constant reassurance that she is a wonderful woman.
Joined: 6/27/2006
Msg: 87
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 4/17/2007 11:50:33 PM
Fly away like the wind.
Joined: 11/8/2006
Msg: 88
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 4/18/2007 5:56:08 AM
It truly saddens & angers me when I read ignorant remarks such as a woman who has been abuse is ''damaged goods''.

1st of all, yes, it is true that having been abused can, & often does, create many emotional issues, however, with time, introspection & proper help it is possible to heal the emotional wounds & to rekindle high-self esteem. It is, indeed, possible to live a healthy life & have healthy relationships regardless of having been a victim of any type of abuse.

2nd, calling survivors ''damaged goods'' only perpetuates the idea that women are sexual objects, which re-victimises all survivors, victimises non-survivors, & causes more emotional harm for all women.

3rd, any man who calls a survivor ''damaged goods'' has no respect for women be they survivors or not. It also says loads about how these men view women in general. Thus these men should be avoided at all cost.

4th, 1 in 4, or 1 in 6 men (depending on which stats one is looking at) have been victims of sexual abuse when under the age of 18. Are we women to begin treating them & thinking of them as ''damaged goods'' as well? I would suggest that these men try imagining themselves as a survivor of abuse to see how they would feel & cope & heal.

5th, try showing some compassion & empathy, it goes a long way in helping survivors heal. Read up on the subject to educate yourselves instead of shunning these women. Furthermore, you might actually be able to eduacte other men on the high levels of all types of abuse existant in our society & this would help change such ignorant views about healing from any type of abuse.

6th, many men could also be viewed as damaged goods because of bad past relationships, should we women run because of this? Should we view them as ‘’damaged goods’’ as well? Nurturing goes a long way … Try it, it might make a big difference in everyone’s life, women's & men's included.

7th, it is said that we all come from dysfunctional families, as a result, should we view everyone as ‘’damaged goods’’?

Some say that ‘’Ignorance is bliss’’. In this case ignorance is simply ignorance. This ignorance helps promote re-victimisation with such low based comments. Men who make such comments should be truly ashamed of themselves.
Joined: 11/8/2006
Msg: 89
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 4/18/2007 9:45:26 AM
atlast wrote: ''Just get over it!''

Here are the comments of another man who is ignorant of the trauma & effects that any type of abuse may create. ''Just get over it'' is another way that re-victimises survivors. It is not all that easy. It is not a boo-boo that can be healed with a band-aid or by simply trying to forget it or push it back into the subconscious.

Many male survivors enculturated in the tough & non-emotional male model have serious emotional issues, which they never deal with & which has serious repercussions in their ability to trust & love, men & women alike. The same is true for female susrvivors.

Furthermore, your saying ''just get over it'' completely negates the quote you highlighted: ''It's not my job to fix anyone, it's my duty to be kind and caring to those around me. ''

I agree, it’s not ones boyfriends or life partners ''job'' to fix anyone’s as healing is dependent on the survivor working through the trauma & emotional effects. An attitude of ‘’just get over it’’ is certainly not caring or kind. In fact, it is the complete opposite.
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